I should have known better than to open the envelope. From the moment I saw the messages scrawled along the outer envelope, my skin began to crawl. Was it a cult, was I being targeted by some crazy-assed secret society? Perhaps I was the chosen one, sent to deliver the message of God to the masses? It sounded too much like those sea-monkey ads from the comics when I was a little kid. Nah, it couldn't be true! It had to be junk mail. Some really creepy, disturbing junk mail.

The letter was frought with messages like: "Send in your contribution to Saint Matthew's Church and receive over ten-thousand prayers for you and your family. Jesus will heal your sickness, cure what ails you, bring you good luck, blah, blah, blah. The text claimed that upon receipt of your funds, the church would begin a chain of prayers that cured everything with no side effects. Everything has side effects nowdays, so why would prayers from a cult be any different. Maybe it should have this in small type: Possible side effects include headaches, sudden changes in sexual orientation, spontaneous combustion, and rampant militarism late at night

I marveled at the prayer "rug" included with the letter. It has to be the thinnest rug that I have ever seen! I wondered what culture it was that actually called a piece of paper a rug? But nothing surprises me about the translation of the English language from foreign cultures. Especially since Sioux, of Italian descent, once told me that her family refers to spaghetti sauce as "gravy." With this in mind, I suppose it could be completely logical that some strange culture kneeled on paper and called them "rugs."

The mesage in the letter says: "Just stare at Jesus and you will see his eyes open!" Just the thought of it creeped me out, especially when the messiah looks curiously like a poorly drawn rendition of a Rob Zombie album cover. Is it just me or do they look uncannily similar?

Click on the image of Jesus to see ta larger, creepier version of the "prayer rug". maybe you'll even see his eyes open.... (He's the one on the right - for all of you heathens out there!)

I mean, I’m quasi-religious! I don’t go to church anymore, but I believe in God and have faith in Jesus. And I was even baptized when I was a teenager, so I KNOW Jesus already, and I don’t think he would appreciate this dude trying to sell prayers through the mail! But what if I’m wrong? What if Jesus really did need the cash? What if I died tomorrow?!

Would Jesus be like "No man, you ain’t coming up here. You horded your funds dude. Stingy people go to hell and are forced to watch old Full-House reruns for eternity."

So before I sent my cash to the creepy guy selling Jesus’ blessing, I decided to investigate this Saint Matthew's Chruch.

Here is what I found out. This information was gleaned from serveral major news sources:
In the world of Saint Matthew's Churches, Heaven is a bank and God is the bank president. The organization mails more than 1 million letters across the country each month seeking money from recipients and promising a spiritual and financial windfall in return. The letters list a Tulsa post office box but no telephone number, street address or names of individuals behind the operation.

In 1999, the last yearthe church made its tax records public, St. Matthew Publishing Inc. reports $26.8 million in revenue. Of that, the organization spent $4 million on salaries, $989,140 on legal fees, $817,000 for housing and rent and $649,000 on travel.

Once a traveling tent-revival preacher, the Rev. James Eugene Ewing built a direct-mail empire from his mansion in Los Angeles that brings millions of dollars flowing into a Tulsa post office box.

Ewing's computerized mailing operation, Saint Matthew's Churches, mails more than 1 million letters per month, many to poor, uneducated people, while Ewing lives in a mansion and drives luxury cars.


You'd better enjoy your life here on earth mr. Ewing, because I'm sure that there is a special place reserved for you in hell .