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Question:

Oh great and wise Swami Monkey of the Great Enlightenment, If a man with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, can it be counted as a hostage situation?

James E.

Answer:
Dear James,

Quite possibly James. If this act were committed within the continental United States, the man could be tried under the Verner Amendment of 1982. This amendment allows a State government to prosecute anyone who threatens heinous actions toward another persons pet, or imaginary friend. Although it may be a bit of a stretch to convict a person using the Verner Amendment, there is surely enough leeway to constitute a valid legal case. .

Question:

Oh great Swami Monkey. Since Aaron Zane's name isn't on Derek's kidney donation list, does that mean Derek is trying to say "Screw you Aaron! Find your own kidney" ? ?

Retail Manager

Answer:
Dear Retail Manager,

While I cannot foresee the future, I believe that Mr. Greenwood would not withhold his kidney from a true friend in need. But, in the short time that I have known him, he has surprised my with his erratic self-centered behavior more than once. If a kidney were to be donated to this Aaron Zane, the recipient might have to agree to have the phrase "I live for Derek's organ" tatooed upon his forehead as a display of gratitude.

Question:

O' Wise and Wonderful Swami Monkey of the Kingdom Animalia, the Phylum Chordata, the Subphylum Vertebrata, the Class Mammalia, and the Order of Primates :

If Blonde is to Dumb but they have more fun then what are little Aliens made of?

signed,
the huddled masses.

Answer:
Dear mass of huddles. Before I enlighten you with the knowledge that you seek, I feel that one must explain the complexities of blondicity. Since you appear to be a man of great scientific wisdom, I will refer you to the collective works of my colleagues. The following information is provided for reference only and should never be used to gather, collect, or intentionally herd blondes. The term "blonde" derives from the Latin word blondius, which means "attractive but unintelligent trollup." Most blondes are cheerful and enthusiastic. They tend to rely on luck because they generally lack any talents. The survival of the blonde species is a miracle of nature, as their low intelligence places them in severe danger of extinction from natural selection. To compensate for their lack of brain cells, they have an over abundance of breast cells.

It is widely known that blondes tend to be sexually promiscuous. They seem to sleep with whomever they want, whenever they want. There are two widely accepted theories that have been developed in an attempt to explain this behavior. The first theory comes from Dr. Buster Hymen of the BRF (Blonde Research Facility) in Bangkok. After ten years of intensive research, Dr. Hymen has concluded that this behavior is genetic. He believes that many thousands of years ago, blondes were nearing extinction, due to their inability to learn the skills needed for survival (such as building a fire, hunting, etc.) To compensate for their sparse population, the blonde Cro-Magnon species began to mate with anything in sight to ensure the survival of their species. To this day, these genes are present in the blonde species, having been inherited through-out the generations. The second, and most widely accepted theory, was developed by Joel Phillerbust of Branson MO. Although Mr. Phillerbust holds no actual college degree, he has slept with well over three-thousand members of the blonde species. His theory, states that he brain of a blonde is actually larger than that of a normal human, due to an extra lobe located at the center of the brain. This lobe, known as the "dizzy lobe", is where the blonde's actual thought processes occur. The remaining two lobes are used primarily for the storage of air. This is why many people refer to blonde women as "air-heads".

Now, to answer your question about what little aliens are made of: Little aliens are made of hicks and sconce and old herringbones. That's what little aliens are made of. Oh, and carbon. Lots of carbon.

Question:

Swami Monkey,
If I go to the zoo monkeys can do what ever they want to, but the second I start throwing my poo around I’m asked to leave. Why is there is a double standard for different primates.

J.P.

Answer:
Your assumption that there is a double standard is correct. Just because our species share commonalities such as opposable thumbs and a deep hatred for Charo, we are not necessarily imbued with parallel laws which govern our societies.

You cannot throw poop without being ostracized by your fellow humans because it is unacceptable. It is wrong for you to hurl your feces just as it would be wrong for chimp to mate with your girlfriend. Remember, just because something is possible, doesn't make it right.

In the event that you do not heed my advice, please make sure to wash your hand immediately upon leaving the zoo.

Question:

O Dear Mister Swami - I am wondering - for no particular reason - just out of curiosity. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

L.T.

Answer:
This depends. If your intentions are to simply kill the mime, then there is no reason that a silencer must be used. If you are seeking to murder the quiet clown and make the least amount of noise possible, then I believe it would be necessary to use a silencer.

But this question leads to the true dilemma of the action itself. Every culture views murder as criminal act . But we also know that mimes are inherently evil, and that their existence will undoubtedly cause much suffering. So does the murder of one who causes much pain and suffering justify itself as an act of kindness? Hmmm... The monkey must reflect on this a while.

Question:

Oh great and wonderful Swami Monkey. Is Derek Greenwood really my bitch?

Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes, please say yes.

Thank you oh wise monkey of the ages.

A.Z.

Question:

Dear all powerfull simian, I seek your guidance. I have a mystical power over eggs! Should I use my power over eggs to help earthlings? P.S. Why is
my dad so weird?

From me, 2 u .

Answer:
Your rare power over eggs is a gift bestowed upon you by the almighty creator and should thus be used to aid mankind in its hour of need. Look to the times when there is a problem that only your glorious gift can remedy. As for your second question, you must realize that you father is not weird, but merely a misunderstood genius. The day will come when this becomes apparent to you. Remember; the success of the entire human race has always rested firmly on the backs of freaks and weirdos.

Question:

OK . . . if you really had your choice, what would it be??? Chimp or Pimp??

From C. James.

Answer:
That depends upon the circumstances, my homosapien friend. If you refer to living as either a chimp or a pimp, then I would prefer the chimp. And while I would mourn the loss of my prehensile tail, the loss would not compare to the agony caused by wearing a purple leisure suit and having to run all of them ho’s.

I think that the answer can be summed up in the words of the venerable Big Daddy Kane when he said “Pimpin’ ain’t easy.”