Terrorists often booby-trap computer monitors, telephones, and stereos that look like ET.
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Handkerchiefs make better "bandit masks" than do T-shirts or folded underwear.
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Use the "L" phone in dire emergencies.
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Spray a coworker's stinky ass with Lysol whenever their back is turned.
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It may be hazardous to bug-bomb your crotch to get rid of crabs.
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Donating blood in three different cities, will pay enough for one helluva' weekend bender!
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When on fire, hold burning body parts to the rear as to not spread the flames.
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During crisis situations, stop and study one of these ridiculous evacuation plans before getting the hell outta' there.
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Before entering a booby-trapped door, use your Kung Fu Smash® to destroy the evil ninja's orange arrows.
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Always wash hands before calling a 900 dateline to avoid any recurring yeast infections.
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If your midget coworker refuses to ride you like an alpaca, don't roll around on the floor weeping like a nancy-boy.
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If you see dead fish laying on the floor next to a dead bird, you have bigger problems than radiation. It sounds like a voodoo curse to me.
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Never use the YMCA shower that is directly adjacent to the one containing Ricky Martin.
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Slamming the tip of your anti-terrorist arrow in the door will void its warranty.
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Use small children to shield your private parts during a terrorist attack.
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Support all rubble using only a single knee and your forehead when signalling for help.
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Remember!!! No standard door can stop the wrath of a dragon!
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Marking your briefcase with a big red cross will always get you to the front of the line.
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Always aim for the bullseye when you throw radioactive darts!
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Ward off chemical attacks by eating a carrot or karate chopping a skinhead in the mouth.
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Ignore giant orange signs warning of bio hazards! Just follow that damn arrow, it won't lead you wrong.
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Hide under a cheap computer desk in the event that Devil-tails crash through the roof.
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Do these simple wrist exercises to pass the time when waiting to be rescued.
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Its perfectly acceptable to look at radiation through a glass pane.
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Colors are for your eyes only. NEVER, EVER ingest them , especially in bright combinations!
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You can reset your testicles at 5:12am by utilizing the signals from the US Naval Observatory's Master Clock.
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Even if you are a serial killer, you can still cry. Think of the victims while you wash the blood off of your hands.
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Deadly radiation isn't all bad. You can cook a complete meal in just a few seconds.
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When trying to pop out the belly button of an alien, one can get a better grip if sitting in a chair.
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Senior citizens should always remove the non-skid rubber stoppers before attempting to use a chair as a walker.
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Keep your fingers away from the Ghostbusters sign at all times.
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Never pick a fight with a circus freak. Timmy the three armed wonder is just too much for you to handle.
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If you find yourself being sodomized by Bill Clinton, it is best to choke yourself until you pass out.
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When witnessing a stranger with a bleeding head wound, stand still until he rolls over and dies.
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This drawing is highly disturbing and quite possibly illegal if shown out of its medical context.
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Kids: Liver transplants are easy and fun and require no special training or tools!
Submitted by Jason G.
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