Thursday, December 13, 2012

Finally! A PMS Barbie.

I swear to god that this is real. A little joke for the graphic designers out there.

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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Uhhhhhhhh....yeah.

When I think about comfort, support, and absorption, I think about a little nunn bush.

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Monday, December 10, 2012

Just the tip.

Cellphone SPAM? Really jenny.bangz? Seriously? Have you ever even seen my facebook profile pic? It's a picture from the haunted Attraction that I design. I attached it below!

Okay, I take it back. I am kinda' sexy in this pic.

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Thursday, December 6, 2012

Just the tip.

Sometimes it's better to not start shaking the bitch tree.

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Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Toilet ponderings.

Ever sit on the toilet so long that you feet are asleep when you stand up? I bet that's how paraplegics feel all the time.

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Monday, December 3, 2012

Office banter.

Lainey: Hi! I see you and Aaron decided to match today...so cute!

Me: hardy har har. it's creepy, like that movie, single white female......

Lainey: Haha! Watch out, next thing you know he'll be cutting his hair like yours...oh wait.

Me: he already bought a thermos like mine. that's why I stopped bringing mine

Lainey: does he have a fan like yours too? I though I saw one on his desk

Me: WTF? OMG!!!!!!!

Lainey: Seriously, that is freaky. If he comes to work one day with a mustach and glasses, I would be very careful.

Me: one time when I was sunburned, he walked up behind me and peeled off some dead skin and ate it before I could stop him. Then he laughed and said he was taking all of my power.

Lainey: What a twisted mf. (you for thinking that up, I mean!)

Me: seriously? I hadn't even told you about how he chews on my neck hair and sucks the wax from used qtips!

Lainey: I just puked a little in my mouth

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Thursday, November 29, 2012

Atypical office email banter.

Of course the Egyptians were smart enough to build the pyramids. Their king had the body of a lion, fer crying out loud!

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Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Atypical office email banter.

Rachel: Could you create a pdf version of the letterhead for [insert vague reference of a subsidiary company here]? I see an eps file but not a pdf.

Me:Yep. it's in their folder.

Rachel: Great! Thank you!

Me: Yelcome!

Me: That's a contraction for "your welcome", but cooler because I was all like "Screw you, apostrophe!"

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Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Derailing the Facebook.

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Monday, November 12, 2012

The Glow Tree.

I captured this shot in the parking lot when I was leaving work. I think the back-lit tree is stunningly beautiful.

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Saturday, November 10, 2012

Not really dirty.

Wow! This combination resturant/spa really puts it out there!

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Monday, October 22, 2012

FAIL!

Google Ad FAIL! Saw this today and about fell out of my chair.

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Sunday, October 14, 2012

Behold, the power english!

Uhhhhhh..... Mitt, you might want ot rethink how that pararaph is worded.

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Thursday, October 4, 2012

Atypical office email banter.

Aaron: If we were 8 years old, we'd totally be blood brothers! Were you ever blood bothers with anyone growing up?

Me: No but me and my friend Chuck were scab brothers.

Aaron: Scab brothers?

Me: Y'know! When you and a friend each burn an arm with a cigar, wait a week, pick off the bloody scabs and switch them with the other person – then put a band aid on it for another week.

Aaron: That's nasty!

Me: But after a week, you each have to re-pick off the scabs, lick them, then stick them to a disinterested third party's nipples until they naturally dissolve.

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Friday, August 27, 2012

Atypical office email banter.

Zach Attack: How was your vacation?

Me: Awesome! Killed 2 Elk with my bare fists, swam across Nigra Falls and overthrew a small European dictatorship. Other than that it was pretty ho-hum.

Zach Attack: Only 2 elk? I thought it would have been more. But proud of you for overthrowing the small dictatorship.

Zach Attack: Just kidding. lol

Zach Attack: I don't know whether to take you seriously.

Me: When I said "bare fists" it was a typo. I meant "Bear Fists". They've got sharp claws and such.

Zach Attack: Now that makes sense.

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Thursday, August 26, 2012

Graffiti.

Can you friggin' believe it?! Even Canadian graffiti is polite!

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Wednesday, August 25, 2012

Noms.

What's the first thing a tourist should do when entering Canada? Why, eat a little beaver burger, of course!

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Saturday, April 21, 2012

No comment needed.

Can you believe it? For my birthday, Wendy and my friends got me a lapdance from two strippers!

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Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Shout Say it out loud.

A friend referred to "rape" as the "R-word." I told him that is still socially acceptable to say "rape" in public. But not to scream it.

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Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Beware the grays.

Why do aliens enjoy probing sweaty farmer rectums so much? Anybody get that?

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Sunday, March 11, 2012

Uncaptionable.

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Saturday, March 10, 2012

Starstruck.

Yep. That's Becky Ingram from Faceoff Season 2 with me. Wendy and I met her at the Transworld Haunted Attraction show this weekend. What a super-talented and friendly gal!

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Friday, March 9, 2012

Beautiful.

Forget cellar door. The most beautiful word in the English language is acetometaphine.

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Thursday, March 1, 2012

Tube Terrorism.

Why do the same 4 actors play every terrorist on TV? It creates this weird continuity where you think "shouldn't he be in jail already?"

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Monday, February 26, 2012

Just the tip.

Life lessons form old man Derek: A few quick beers before bedtime trumps insomnia.

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Friday, February 23, 2012

The boat.

Life is but a dream. Who knew growing up, that "Row, row, row your boat" was so damn existential?

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Tuesday, February 20, 2012

Boggety bog.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Swamp Thing was the best movie to come out of the 80's. Kidding, folks.

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Monday, February 19, 2012

Cat fap.

Never really noticed this before, but when our cat drinks water from the bowl, it makes the same sound as someone furiously masturbating.

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Friday, February 16, 2012

Stupid people.

Isn't the universe awesome in how it made stupid people unable to realize that they are stupid in the first place?

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Friday, February 3, 2012

No comment neccessary.

Submitted by Reverend Ed.

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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Not so fast there, partner.

If you can't even fake what red-eye looks like in your photography ads, how do you expect people to believe tha toyu can fix it using your stupid app?

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Monday, January 16, 2012

Pain Relief?

Youch! Looks like Kris Kringle is being introduced to Frosty the Snowman's red-nosed reindeer.

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Friday, January 6, 2012

Daily WTF?!

Yes, now you too can put you Hairy Balls on your iphone and your ipad.

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Thursday, December 15, 2011

Wait for it...

I was showing off a new fancy pen that I had gotten as a Christmas gift. This is no ordinary pen, mind you - it is an exquisite precision instrument! The pen is large, heavy, and probably the nicest pen that I have ever owned. That being said, I was bragging to Aarzan that it even has my name engraved in it.

Aarzan: Man, that really is a nice one. I wish I had one of these pens!

Me: Yeah, they gave them as gifts to management. Too bad you'll never get one.

Aarzan: ….…

Ignoring my insult, he looks at the area on the pen where my name is engraved.

Aarzan: Hey.…. Just how many "O's" are ing "greenwood"?

Me: As many as there needs to be, friend.

Aarzan: ..….

Me: Wait fooooooor iiiiiiiiiiiiiit..……….

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Saturday, December 3, 2011

I love to play "Draw Something" with my friends

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Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Wrongness personified!

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Friday, August 12, 2011

Sonogram Time!

Attention friends. If your sonogram comes back like this one, please take action and call in an excorsist. It may look like a cute little fetus to you, but even though no one will tell you, it terrifies the sh@t outta' us. There is a demon child in your belly and it looks like it will usher in the apocalypse.

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Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Daily WTF!

I found this while persusing the Apple app store for books today! I wonder why no one has bothered to give it a rating???

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Sunday, July 17, 2011

Daily WTF!

Snarky comments withheld. Will someone please explain to me what the hell this is supposed to mean???

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Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Marvelous.

Uh... anybody who thinks comic books are for children needs to take a serious look at the apps that Marvel Comics are licensing these days! Iron Man indeed.

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Sunsday, July 3, 2011

How not to lift a baby.

Thank god someone finally had enough sense to put it down on paper!

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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Random Thoughts.

Todays random thoughts involve one of my favorite actors, Michael J. Fox and his terrible battle with Parkinsons Disease!

1) I wonder if Michael hasn't acted lately because the shaking messes with the camera's auto focus?

2) I bet everything Michael J. Fox types comes out like this:
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Nulla convallis sodales nisl et molestie. Praesent ut turpis at odio dapibus rutrum id nec elit.

3) It's a good thing that he still has his voice, because after asking him a question, it'd be hard to determine whether he is nodding "yes" or "no."

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Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Morning Haiku.

The following banter occured between the Reverend Ed and I over lunch.

Me:
Early morning drive.
Why must I follow Red Hats
En Route for coffee?

Lainey:
What’s with the Haikus?
Greenwood, you a crazy man
That’s why I like you

Me:
Haikus are poems -
Five syllables, then seven,
then five once again.

Hotdiggety:
So you think I must,
Creative is not my name,
But I will play too.

Me:
Happy that you play.
Even if your poetry
sounds like Yoda.

Hotdiggety:
Don’t make fun of me,
I will quit and call you names.
Have a happy day!

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Friday, November 11, 2011

Armed Forces Terminology - just sayin'.

Military definition of "Securing a building." How we all can say the same thing and mean something different.


Marines “secure” a building, they attack the building, capture or kill all enemy combatants, and defend the building until relieved.

Army “secure” a building, put up sand bags, reinforce entry points, and defend the building against all attackers.

Air Force “secure” a building, obtain legal and financial rights to a building by negotiating a contract.

Navy “secure” a building, take out the trash, turn the lights out, and lock the doors as you leave the building.

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Friday, October 22, 2011

Short Lunch? It's time for a quick fish critique!

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Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Irony.

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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Daily Observation.

You know you're becoming an old man when a trip to the bathroom to pee become part of your "pre-meeting planning."

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Friday, September 9, 2011

Daily Observation.

Ever notice when you are hanging out with friends, that most of their blatantly racist statements begin with "Now I'm not a racist, but…"

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Thursday, September 8, 2011

Daily WTF?!

First thing this morning I was searching for "junk car clip art" for a project and this came up.

I mean, c'mon --- Really? Why did a picture of a girl grooming her dog while peeing come up? At least that better be what's going on! And come to think of it, why would this clipart exist at all?! OMG..……. That might not even be a dog! Maybe she's a Sasquatch that’s shaved everything except her right leg!!!

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Thursday, September 1, 2011

Things one should not ponder.

I bet most necrophiliacs are also murderers. I imagine its way easier to just make your own dead hooker than to find one laying around.

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Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Daily WTF?!

So I added some internet coupons on the Nashville site today and noticed this! Read the coupon next to our last one!

So you're saying that somebody gets paid to smash around on fat chicks? Helllllloooo dream job!!! Where do I sign up?

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Thursday, June 16, 2011

Wokka wokka wokka

Apple should name it’s new cloud backup service the “Highlander,” since it’s a Mac Cloud.

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Friday, April 27, 2011

Daily WTF?!

A coworker actually said this to me during an office conversation! “Derek, you really bring us up professionally but down morally.”

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Letters, We Get Letters...

An email chain regarding the above post:

Hotdiggetty: Was it Axxxxx? Or Axxxxx? Was it before, after or during the flipper baby conversation?

Me: It was Axxxxx, and everything is after the flipper baby. If you ever meet one you could compliment it by saying. “Your lil’ glow worm might not be able to pick up a toy, but he sure as heck has an awesome wave hello.”

Friday, April 27, 2011

Daily WTF?!

A coworker actually said this to me during an office conversation! “Derek, you really bring us up professionally but down morally.”

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Thursday, April 26, 2011

Gas station arguements.

I was getting coffee at the gas station this morning and passed by a group of friends from high school. They work mostly in the factories or in auto shops. After a small barrage of insults from them regarding the dress pants and tie that I wear to work, one of them says “It must be nice to have everything in your life be perfect!”

Me: “Whatever, bitch! I’m the one who has to wear a *#@#ing tie every day!”

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Tuesday, April 20, 2011

Office Conversation.

Another Designer: Did you see that so-and-so brought their baby in to visit?

Rythmic: Yes, but I haven’t had a chance to see it. I bet it’s cute!

Me: I’ll give you a heads up. It looks exactly like every other baby.

Rythmic: Derek!

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Tuesday, April 17, 2011

Daily WTF?!

I walked up to the urinal this morning and it was filled with white foam! WTF?! What have these guys been drinkin?

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Friday, April 13, 2011

Predictions.

Economists keep predicting a rough summer for America. As gas prices rise, America as a whole nears bankruptcy. It just may be Armageddon….

But then again, the summer can’t be too bad! There are three new Marvel movies coming out, after all….

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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

just sayin'...

I bet Anna Nicole Smith finally reached her goal weight by now.

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Monday, February 21, 2011

Random Thought

Should I be worried when I go to the restroom and there is a 4’ long section of clipped Ethernet cable in the trash?

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Tuesday, November 12, 2011

Random email banter

The following is a bit of email banter between Reverend Ed and I regarding lunch plans.

Reverend Ed: South town ranch at lunch today about 11:30 if you're interested (it's chicken chimicanga day)....
If not, I'll hollar another day.

Me: I would, but we are having a snazzy lunch meeting today, and the whole “cloning myself so I can hang with cool people” idea hasn’t worked out yet. Damned clones never end up right. It’s like they either have an extra part, or are missing a part. – and then there was that whole “a fly got stuck in the cloning machine” incident... Howzabout Friday or sometime next week?

Reverend Ed: Yup, no worries, I'll catch you another time....the whole, 'puking on my food to predigest it first' thing doesn't work to well at the ranch anyways cuz the food already looks like it's been puked on..........more chip amigo?....sausage to drink?

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Friday, November 11, 2011

That's my name...

Just how many times do you actually have to say a person’s name before you “wear it out”?

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Thursday, October 6, 2011

Observation of the day.

You know that you are going to take a journey in nasal horror when you walk into the bathroom, and see someone’s feet in the handicapped stall, but have no handicapped people working with you.

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Friday, October 22, 2011

Pizza Hut Banter.

The following banter occured between the Reverend Ed and I over lunch.

Me: I’m thinking about changing my name to Wendy.

Reverend Ed: Why?

Me: That way we can have insurance. I can’t afford medical insurance on her right now, but if we were both named Wendy, we could share the insurance card.

Reverend Ed: “I guess, but then they’d get the bill and be like “A prostate exam and a pap smear?”

Me: “Well, not at the same time! That’d be insane!............... Yet somehow arousing.”

Reverend Ed: “They could call it a prostate smear.”

Me: “Eeeew!”

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Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Inappropriate Lunch Conversations

The Reverend: “They really need to find some way to recycle diapers into something useful! They should set the guys at NASA down and tell them that they can’t leave until they find some way to build shelters for the homeless out of used diapers. Maybe something like lego blocks that you could snap together.”

Me: “It couldn’t be too hard to make bricks out of them. And hell, they already have their own mortar.”

The Reverend: “Yeah, and used diapers are almost indestructible! You can’t destroy them. You can’t even burn them!”

Me: “I know, every time I’ve tried, the baby just burns right out of them, it’s crazy! And then your just left with some bones and a diaper.”

The Reverend: “Yeah, that’s the best way to dispose of a baby. And it’s easy because you don’t have to worry about the teeth.”

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Saturday, February 12, 2011

Random Thought

Does anyone else find it funny that if you order an American Flag , it will be made in China, yet if you order a set of China, chances are that it will be made in Mexico?

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Friday, February 11, 2011

"Smileys"

Me: Angry dictator?      D| :<@

Charboh: Actually it kind of looks like those weird faces people put on trees. Try again.

Me:      D|:<

Charboh: Closer. What about      >:,<(

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Tuesday, February 8, 2011

You gots to be kidding me!

Sent to me by Reverend Ed.

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Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Old!

I’ve finally reached the age where the only parts of me that still grow are my gut and my bald spot.

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Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Attention!

Your and You’re
There is a difference:
Your is about yourself as in “You did not retain your basic lessons in grammar school.”

You’re is a contraction of the words you and are, as in “You’re an idiot.”

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Thurssday, October 13, 2010

Work today wasn't nearly as fun as one would think.

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Tuesday, October 11, 2010

Observation of the day.

Hey redneck in the pickup – we are still in a recession. You might want to remove the decal of Calvin peeing on the word Work from your back windshield.

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Sunday, October 10, 2010

I'm Back

It's been nearly two months since I've had the time to post anything on here. I can't tell you how many times I almost sat down and typed out what was going on.

Usually when I take one of these massive Blogging-breaks it’s because nothing is really going on in my life, but this time it’s because my life has actually been quite hectic. lately I've been working more hours than a crack whore on welfare paycheck day, but I think things are abut to slow down for a while.

Since my last post, my Dad had heart surgery, we had our car broken into, BP has plugged it's oil spill, an embarrased woman in Britain shaved her chin for the first time, and somewhere a homeless guy named Jack was sodimized behind a dumpster by the guy he thought was his best friend.

So I am back, and intending on posting regularly. I hope I can get the momentum going again!

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Thursday, October 7, 2010

Astute observations.

1) Ever sit on the toilet so long that you feet are asleep when you stand up? I bet that's how paraplegics feel all the time.

2) Why do I get nervous when the police dog randomly sniffs my car at the park during my lunch?

3) Ever notice that old-school 80's rap sounds more like cheerleading rhymes than actual rap?

4) Dear teenagers, most of you are stupid. That is all. You may now resume your normal day.

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Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Random Office Conversation.

The following is an abridged version of a random office conversation that occured today when one worker was dicussing her disappointment that the book she ordered from Amazondotcom didn't come in.

Chiquita over the wall: "Did you know that my book didn’t come in from Amazon dotcom yet? Maybe it’s because I bought it used."

Me: "You bought a used book from Amazon?!"

Chiquita over the wall: "Yes. I'm trying to save some money and help the environment. There's less wasted paper when you buy them used. Isn’t that good?"

Me: "I guess, but do you know how many people read while they are on the toilet?"

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Monday, October 4, 2010

Logo observation

So I was working on this breast cancer awareness flyer and I thought…. “Wouldn’t this logo be more appropriate to the subject in the second option?”

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Sunday, October 3, 2010

Fairies

Ever since I built my mumified fairie a few months back, I wanted to try and improve on the process. This led to the creation of the project shown below. These fairies are larger and more detailed than the original. I wanted to represent 3 different type of fairies, hence the differing colors and wing styles. The orange one actually has wings that flap thanks to a battery powered motor concealed in it's back. Overall, I am toroughly pleased at the way it turned out.

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Saturday, October 2, 2010

20/20...

In hindsight, testing to see if I am allergic to spirit gum by glueing a mask onto my entire face may not have been the best idea.

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Friday, October 1, 2010

Just a thought...

Why is it that grown women still get to have printed designs on their underwear? If you glance around any clothing store, you’ll notice they have everything from hearts, to robots, to dinosaurs! That’s really messed up! If a grown woman can have panties covered in stupid Betty Boop cartoons, then someone should make adult-sized Spiderman underoos for men!

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Tuesday, September 29, 2010

Random thoughts...

1) In retrospect, perhaps it’s not the best idea to listen to the band “Cradle of Filth” as you fill out job evaluations on your peers.

2) Sometimes I wish that I could talk to animals. But then I remember how stupid animals are.

3) Noir. What a stupid, pretentious word. It's only used to describe a) a novel b) a movie or c) a perfume. I for one, say we get rid of it.

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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

My wrinkled bag

It's amazing how a single wrinkle in a cat-food bag can turn a nice picture into something that looks like it came from P.T. Barnum. No fancy photoshop here folks, just an honest to goodness wrinkle.

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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The .001% of germs that germ-X doesn't kill...

are totally pissed-off, bad-ass germs!

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Monday, September 20, 2010

Derek's jaw-dropping quote of the day.

Said in a conversation about someone else who says innapropriate things:

The Innocent One: "That was a totaly inapropriate thing for them to say."

Me: "I agree! That’s as wrong as a furnace company using a caricature of Hitler as a spokesman."

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Sunday, September 19, 2010

Did I ever tell you that my Grandma's chair is an alien?

Well, it is.

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Friday, September 17, 2010

More Office Email Banter.

Me: I was just thinking……. I wonder how many children’s dreams have been shattered because they wanted to grow up to be midgets?

Hot-Diggety: Really? From where/what did that thought stem?

Me: I had lunch at the park and it was full of kids.

This was the flow of thoughts…..
Watching the kids got me to wondering if one would be president some day. Or a doctor. Or a farmer. Or a midget wrestler.

Just by looking at them, I’d say that the odds one of them growing up to be President is greater than the odds that one will grow up to be a midget wrestler!

Coyote: OMGosh Derek, you crack me up. Thank you for the random thoughts.

Rhythmic: Maybe Derek is trying to tell us that he wishes he was a midget.

Me: And another weird fact.

BEFORE you give birth, you have greater odds to have a midget wrestler than a president.
But AFTER you give birth to your normal baby, you have a better odds that it’ll grow up to be a president, than a midget wrestler.

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Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Sacrifices.

If you know me very well, you probably know that I harbor a not-so-secret abhorration of glitter. Glitter is the stuff of nightmares. It spreads like the flu and sticks around like ghonnereah. It is a tool of the devil, and isn’t allowed in the Greenwood household. Until today. Yes, today is Wendy’s birthday - and it’s a big one. So to show my undying love, I forced myself to buy a sweet little card from hallmark that was encased in, you guesed it, glitter! I shuddered as I bought it! I sooooo hate glitter! And that hated is what spurned this jaw-dropping conversation.

Another Designer: "You bought her a glitter card?"

Me: "Yeah! She’ll appreciate it. She’ll understand the self sacrifice that I went though to get it."

Another Designer: "Because you hate glittery things, right?"

Me: "With a passion! I can’t even stand it now. I have little sparkly remnants on my hands! God, this is awful! I need to go wash off. I just feel dirty."

Another Designer: "Dirty?"

Me: "Yeah.........I bet this is how women feel after they have an abortion."

Another Designer: "Whaaaaaaaat?"

Me: "Y’know, like ‘I didn’t want to do it, but I had too.’ kind of deal. ‘I really wanted this baby, but there’s no way I could raise it!’ I didn‘t want to buy a glitter card, but I knew she’d know what I went though to get her one."

Another Designer: "I...... don’t think that’s even close to being the same thing."

Me: "I do. Aaaargh! I’m gonna’ go wash off this filth."

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Thursday, September 2, 2010

Random Email Banter.

Some random office banter between Coyote and myself.

Coyote: Derek, do you like history?

The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Me: I dunno if I believe your “Fact”. I think they had testicular guards waaaaay before that.  As a matter of fact, whenever a king had a smoking hot daughter, he’d lock her in her room and place two testicular guards at the door.

Coyote: I don’t know if I believe your “fact”.  Do you have documentation to support your fact?

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Thursday, August 26, 2010

Email Banter.

Coyote:  This can also double as a depends when little Johnny gets older. Or you can just throw him over your shoulder like a grocery bag.  WOW the possibilities.

Me: Meh. Not impressed. You could do the same thing by cutting little leg holes in a plastic bag from Wal-mart.
 
Coyote: I don’t think I would use a plastic bag but maybe one of those new fabric shopper bags.

Me: But those aren’t waterproof. They’d be awful in the rain. You’d have a shriveled up lil’ mess of a baby after walking a few blocks in a storm.

Coyote: Yes and the plastic bag that would hold water would be awesome.

Me: Babies float, y’know.

Coyote: Sure, “baby floats” like rootbeer floats?

Me: Root beer doesn’t float, it just kind of hovers in the middle of the water.
 
See?
 
Archimedes Principle: "When a solid body (ie, NOT ROOT BEER)  is partially or completely immersed in water, the apparent loss in weight will be equal to the weight of the displaced liquid."

Formula for Density of immersed object relative to the density of the fluid object is immersed in:

Relative Density = Weight / (Weight - Apparent Immersed Weight)

Coyote: Derek, let’s face it you are a designer not a scientist.  The Archimedes principle is not a “root beer float”.  It is saying if you have a root beer float and the ice cream melts then your cup will not over flow.  I think an actual root beer float would be better described as gravity.

Me: I so am too a scientist! Look, I even have my very own “Death- Ray.” You know what it shoots? Death.

Coyote: Just because you're creepy doesn’t make you a scientist…Dr Kevorkian

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Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Derek's jaw-dropping quote of the day.

Sometimes I forget that everyone doesn’t see the world the same twisted, humorous way that I do. When discussing the weather as seen through the office window.

Said at lunch: "Yeah, it looks a lot prettier on the outside than it does on the inside. Kind of like a kitten."

Jaws drop. Silence ensues.

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Friday, August 6, 2010

Aaaaaawkward.

Most awkward quote of the year comes from the Effingham, Illinois Fair Queen Pageant held earlier this week.
When questioned as to what the cover of the Fair Calendar should be and why, the second contestant states : “I think the Calendar should big a big photo of all of the rides at the fair. And the caption should say – Ride me. I like it!”

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Thursday, August 5, 2010

Overheard at the Office.

And I quote: "I do not like big nuts in my ice cream."

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Wednesday, August 4, 2010

There's an App for WHAT?!

I couldn't believe my eyes when I randomly stumbled upon this iPad app in the Apple Store! What kind of sick people need an application like this?! I mean, I can count on one hand how many times I thought to myself "Gee, I wish I could find a sex offender for free!"

So what is this app? Some sort of new social media geared towards kid-touchers? A place for them to meet online, hook-up and have a night out on the town, cruising the school zones in one of those creepy, black conversion vans that doesn't have windows?

That's sarcasm, folks.

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Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Office Banter!

The following abridged banter occurred over an email about a baby deer that is show below.

"This tiny deer was delivered by Caesarean section at a Wildlife hospital after a car killed his mother. Little Rupert, who is so small he can fit in an adult's hand, was born after vets failed in their battle to save his mother. At just 6" tall and weighing just over a pound, he is now in an incubator in the intensive care unit at Tiggywinkles Wildlife Hospital in Buckinghamshire. He has only recently opened his eyes.

Can we all say Awwwwww ?"

Coyote: "He is so stinking cute."

Me: "It’s like the Cornish hen of venison. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm……"

Another Office Worker: "Oh now that is just bad."

Lainey: "There is something wrong with you."

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Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Warning - this post is super-dirty!

If there was any toy that played a major role in my childhood, it was probably the most simple thing on this planet. Dirt. Yeah, dirt. The same compound that can be found anywhere.

Because I grew up in the country, it was the only toy that I could find, no matter where I was. Dirt was everywhere. Whenever I was really bored, I could always find it.

I made pottery out of the clay in our back yard. Sometimes I would spend all day digging what seemed to be massive holes in our backyard using my mother's silverware. I would build elaborate dirt tracks, complete with hills and canyons for my matchbox cars. And I could lose entire weekends climbing on massive dirt piles that our neighbors bulldozed.

And then there were the dirt clod wars. Ah, the memories of the greatest, most painful of all children games. Nothing brought so much simultaneous joy and pain as a good old-fashioned dirt clod fight with friends. There were no good guys, no bad guys, and no rules. It was like war in some manners, except a war that would always stop for dinner time and the setting of the sun. Aside from those two factors, the game didn't stop until someone bled, and everyone apologized through smiles of a gritty sand/clay mixture stuck between our teeth.

Yes, if there is one single thing that city children truly miss out on, it's got to be the joys of dirt.

That age old fondness of the gritty earth is probably the reason why I stop and look at this pile of earth across the parking lot every night en I leave work.

It's so inviting looking. My brain tells me that I'm too old to climb it, but the dirt pile itself seems to beckon me to climb it and become King of the Hill.

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Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Not bad, just old-school teachers.

Okay, this may be bad, but it made me laugh my ass off! I was at the park over lunch, parked by two women teachers who were attempting to control a whole gaggle of children about twenty strong. It was incredibly noisy as you can imagine, with little rugrats screaming, yelling, and scampering around like the bothersome little primates they are.

One little girl went up to the teacher and said "Randy hit me."

The teacher, clearly stressed, stood up from the picnic table and announced "You all need to behave, or I'm hitting everybody!"

The other teacher chuckled and said "We'll probably get a lot of calls tomorrow for that one."

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Monday, August 2, 2010

Misaligned!

I just noticed this today. Micro$oft needs to learn how to use their own spell-check.

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Sunday, August 1, 2010

Pixie and Sticks, but no pixiesticks.

Halloween prop building is in full swing again at the Greenwood household! Remember back in January when I posted the sketches of my version of a mummified fairy? Well, the vision has finally come to fruition! Here it is in all of it’s yucky glory!!!

Technically it’s not a fairy, though, it’s a wood nymph!

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Saturday, July 21, 2010

Spooky Stuff

As many of you know, this site I used to have quite the following from Halloween enthusiast community. But then in 2007, I discovered that some jerk was selling my tutorials on ebay, so I took them down in a fit of supreme-pissed-offidness. (Yes, I just made up that word, but it really fits!)

So now that I’ve had a few years to calm down, I’ve decided that it’s time to share my dev with the world once again. But this time, I’m going all out! Yessiree Bob! I even dropped a whole $9.00 and bought an entire url for it. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you madhauscreative.com’s sister site…… (insert mental drum roll here.) Hauntology101.com!!!

It’s not quite up to snuff yet though. I imagine it will take a week or so to get everything working smoothely.

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Friday, July 30, 2010

Why so sexual, tomato?

Coyote sent in this amorous little veggie...

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Thursday, July 29, 2010

Sleepy Dream Time

Warning – do not read this if you are pregnant, or a silly little nancy-boy. If you, don’t say that I never warned you.

I had a dream this morning that I was trying to see Doc Nar (the old corpsman from H 3/12) because I had went fishing and gotten a bunch of chiggers on my calves and feet. But they weren’t chiggers, because the sores were growing big and long, like pencils were stuck underneath my skin. It hurt really bad to move my legs at all, but I forced myself to walk through a crowd of Chinese people towards Doc Nar. I had to stop midway because the sores were burning so bad, and when I looked at one, I could see little antennas coming out. I pushed down on the “chigger” and felt that it was hard, but kind of shifted painfully under my finger. I pushed harder, squeezing it like a pimple and pushed out a little 1” crawdad from the wound.

I stared at it disgusted, as it flopped on the floor in a pool of yellow pus from my leg. I knew what had to be done, but I was dreading it. I knew that I had to push out the dozens of crawdads that had been incubating in my legs. It really, really hurt.

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Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Random Thoughts

Nothing delivers mid-day excitement like noticing you’ve wet the front of your pants by leaning on the bathroom sink. The navigation back to your desk is akin to what a cat burglar must feel when trying to smuggle diamonds out of a museum.

Don’t ask me how or why, but when I was a child, I thought an orphan was some sort of sea creature, like a sea lion. Oliver Twist really, really confused me.

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Saturday, July 24, 2010

Shopping for wheels

Wendy and I have been car shopping to find a suitable replacement for the Cadillac over the weekend. This brought about the realization that we have totally different priorities in life. We both want something that gets good gas mileage of course, since I commute 80 plus miles to work daily, but beyond that, there’s not much in common.

She’s focused on the mileage, comfort, usability, and cleanliness.

But me, I’d like a vehicle that would allow me to haul things like my “Art”, and fishing equipment, but outside of mileage, my number one concern is whether or not the vehicle is compatible with my iPod.

Yes, I am that much of a geek, and it puts me in a precarious position. If I want my ipod to work, I need one of two things, neither of which seem to fit into our budget. One – an relatively new model car with an actual iPod jack, which typically outs it out of our price range. Or, two – an older car with a cassette player so that I can use an iPod adapter. This second version is typically in our price range, but comes with high milage. Most of the vehicles only come with cd players. How ridiculous! Who listens to cd’s anymore? That’s about as useful to me as shipping it with a gramophone. And don’t give me that whole “they make FM transceivers for iPods because they don’t work worth a crap.

So what is a podcast junkie like me supposed to do?

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Friday, July 23, 2010

Not to worry

My Grandpa has been in the hospital for the past few days because of an infection that hasn’t allowed him to pee. And even though he was obviously in pain, he never lost that twisted sense of humor that people who know him have grown to love. The following conversation occurred between him and the young nurse who was tasked with giving him a cathader.

Nurse: “Okay sir, now this is going to be a little painful. So I want you to take deep breathes and try not to stiffen up, okay?”

Grandpa: “Honey, I don’t think you have to worry about that.”

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Monday, July 19, 2010

The saddest Toilet to ever be sad.

Oh, c'mon, you'd be sad too if everybody tried to pee on you!

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Sunday, July 18, 2010

It's that time again

Wendy and I finally got to go out and do something together for the first time in several weeks. So like all good Americans, we chose to shop for things we don't really need. We had a good time and managed to keep our spending in check — which is way easier for her than it is for me!

But I noticed something special this time. Something which heralds in the season that I love so much.... Yes my friends, today marked the first day of the haunting season, which was ushered forth with the sight of this year's first Halloween purchase. A gloriously cheap tombstone from the Dollar Deals! All hail the Pumpkin King! Halloween is on the way!

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Saturday, July 17, 2010

No thank you ma'am.

My friend Kelli from the Nobodies Show snapped this photo on the go. Something is seriously wrong with anyone who'd go to this place.

Kelli says: "I saw this place offering an awfully odd service. Anyone up for one?"

Me: "Assage acupuncture? No thank you ma'am, no one punctures my assage!"

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Friday, July 16, 2010

The Life of a Little Grandma.

If any of you are fans of the old show "Little House On The Prairie", then you may be intersted in reading the story of my great grandma's life. It's amazing how much life has changed in only a few generations.

Here are a few excepts:

"I was born on April 20, 1910 in Hoosier Prairie, IL, southeast of Louisville. I was the seventh child of Hiram and Mary Cooper. Two boys and four girls were older than I. The oldest was Nelly Mae, then Olie Ethel, Nora Rina, Pansy Belle, William Alexander, and Joe Sirus.

Most of our meals were cornbread. Mom would dig frozen potatoes from the ground and fry them up for all of us. We had sweet milk most of the time, that she put in a bucket and kept in the well to keep it cool. We also had lots of wild onions in the summertime. Sometimes she would carry laundry down to the river, build a big fire to heat the water, and fish while waiting on the water to get hot.

The school was only one large room with a large wood stove in the back of the room. I attended the 1st grade to 8th grade. The final exam was held at Sailor Springs, but I didn’t have a new dress to wear, so I didn’t go take the exam.

So I was born poor, stayed poor, and am still poor – thank God!

My dad used to go to Louisville for groceries once a month. At Christmas, we were lucky to have a stick of peppermint candy. At Easter, the big boys would cook eggs in the woods.

My mom would cut a grape vine and put a container under it. She’d then use the juice or drippings in my hair. She also rinsed my hair in coffee to keep it dark and help get the tangles out."

You can read the entire story here.

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Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Vans

I was talking with the other designers today about the possibility that we might replace our broken down Cadillac with a mini-van. I don’t know why everyone reacts so strangely to this, but for some reason people seem to enjoy laughing at the idea of me driving a mini van. Unbeknownst to me, the radar like ears of Hot-Diggety had picked up the conversation, and let to the following banter.

Hot-Diggety: "Did you just say you might buy a van??!!?!?"

Me: "Yep, I might….. but it would have to be painted like the A-Team van. Why? You selling one, or just going to make fun of me?"

Hot-Diggety: "Just making fun."

Me: "My van would be so pimped out, that I couldn’t even park it here at work because people would be wanting to hang out in it. I’m talking disco balls, a mini roller-rink, and the muppet show streaming live from the internet 24/7!"

Hot-Diggety: "Ok then. That would be one hell of a van. I wouldn’t dare make fun of you or the van."

Me: "Hah! I knew it. Chicks dig the muppets, man!"

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Monday, July 12, 2010

Framed!

Sometimes I feel like the world is out to get me no matter what I try to do about it. Even when I try to do good things - things to better myself – it feels like the universe smacks me back into my place. Case in point, my adventure with the Evil Empire known as Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart and I have had a love-hate relationship for the past decade or so, but I always seem to go back to her. Why I keep going back is a mystery even to myself. Perhaps it’s akin to an abused child who has been whipped into submission by an alcoholic mother holding a wire coat-hanger. Or the abused wife who keeps returning to her overbearing, heavy-fisted, mouth breather of a husband. But then again, maybe it’s because I live in rural Illinois and Wal-Mart is about the only choice I have to buy things at a decent price.

But I digress, let me get back to my story of woe. I’d went into the eye doctor section at the store to get the nose pieces replaced on my glasses. It’s not that they’d stopped working or anything – my nose supported them quite well actually, yet Wendy and my mother complained about the gorgeous shade of emerald that the pieces were turning.

I disagreed since I personally liked having green nose pieces, even if they were formed of sweat, funk, and lingering insect repellant from days of yore. Besides, it was a rather beautiful shade of green, not unlike the shade of antique glass. And that makes it valuable, right? Wrong! So even though I didn’t see eye to eye with Wendy or my mother, I decided to get the nose pieces replaced.

The optometrist said that it would only take a few minutes for her to change them, and I reluctantly handed them to her. I stood in the room, almost taking joy in the blurred masses of things that surrounded me. The confusion reminded me of my days in the Marine Corps, where many a night overseas ended looking like this, even with my glasses on.

And time passed.

And Passed.

And passed. Until a blob of white and green floated towards me, slowly taking the shape of the optometrist.

“Ummmm….. I’m sorry, but I broke your glasses. But don’t worry, We’ll give you some new ones for free.”

I guess that was the least they could do. So she set out to find a replacement frame. But the only frame that they had in stock was made of plastic, and was surely a top of the line model priced at $39.

So I accepted my punishment from the universe with a heavy sigh. “You got me again!” I though. And it’s not like I could drive home with one functioning eye and another that is being poked with busted metal. So I took me whipping, lost my $250 frames, yet got new plastic $35 frames.

Life is good. Life is good.

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Thursday, July 8, 2010

The baddest nachos in Vegas, baby!

This is a picture of the Las vegas themed sign that I built for our Relay For Life team. The event theme was "Vegas" of course. I think it turned out pretty well since it is essentially just a bunch of cobbled together scrap. I have about a dozen hours or so in the build, but am pretty happy with the results.

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Sunday, July 4, 2010

Napkin Noir.

Kaitlyn left this mysterious napkin for me after dinner this afternoon.

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Saturday, July 3, 2010

Quite possibly the creepiest sign ever made.

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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Short office email banter

Coyote: Can you send me the new one? (shirt design)

Me: Yorp!

Coyote: Shanks!!!

Me: Yelcome!

Coyote: I got nothing. Darn it. :(

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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Trash Magnets

What is it about public parks that seems to attract trash? I go to the park every day over lunch, and it never fails to amaze me how much trash is there. No, I'm not talking about soda cans and candy bar wrappers, I'm talking about the two legged, cut-off jeans wearing kind.

They show up in their old beat-up cars, with rap music thumping away so loud their speakers are cracking. They shove their dirty little kids out of the car why they lean on a tree smoking cigarettes to watch them. And don't get me started about when the rest of their family shows up witheven more dirty kids.

After their cousins arrive, the volume of speech is amplified ten-fold. Suddenly the entire park erupts with curse words and "Yeeehahs." The parents of normal, clean children look at each other in disbelief. But they don't dare say anything because the trashy people undoubtably have a pair of nunchucks in their pocket.

No, none of the parents want to face off with a drunk dad wielding a butterfly knife. So the looks go on, disdain and anger felt is by every parent except the white trash ones. Until ultimately, the normal families leave the park, thereby giving the entire playground to the inbreds.

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Monday, June 28, 2010

Random Thoughts

1) Now that I think about it, it seems like 97% of things in plastic bottles are made to either go into your car, or on your hair.

2) It seems to me, that the only real purpose for the Number Lock key is to tick me off three times a week.

3) Is it weird that I sometimes shave my knuckles with my X-acto knife at work?

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Comments:

From Coyote
Yes, that is gross that you shave your knuckles with your x-acto knife at work. Remind me never to borrow your x-acto knife if I need one. I don’t want knuckle pubs on my stuff."

Monday, June 28, 2010

Should I?

I’ve been working this tattoo design for the past couple of days that combines many of my favorite things. It’s basically a stylized Bride of Frankenstein posing in like a WW2 pin-up model. Like I said, the design combines a lot of my interests and rolls them into one. Halloween, old Universal Monster movies, 1940’s style pin-up cheesecake, science, and comic books (via the energy balls in the background using “Kirby Crackle”, a technique developed by the late Jack Kirby.)

My biggest fear of the piece I that it won’t translate to a tattoo at a smaller scale, and I don’t think I’m willing to commit financially (or physically, for that matter) to an enormous tattoo. I guess we’ll just see how things develop.

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Friday, June 25, 2010

And Time Passes On

Can you believe that today marks exactly one year since Michael Jackson molested a boy?

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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Blind Side = Gran Torino

I think I frustrated some of the people at work when we were discussing Clint Eastwood’s movie “Gran Torino”. I don’t know what the big deal is – all I said is that Gran Torino is the same movie as Sandra Bullocks’ movie “Blind Side.”
I bet you just reacted the same way – thinking ‘No it’s not!’ in your head, right? But you are wrong! Once you strip away the machismo from Gran Torino, and the estrogen laden emotions of Blind Side, they are the same movie!

To prove it, here is my comparison.
In Gran Torino – Full of guns
In Blind Side – Full of estrogen

In Gran Torino, Clint Eastwood’s character and his friends are racially intolerant.
In Blind Side, Sandra Bullock’s characters friends are prejudice.

In Gran Torino, Clint Eastwood’s character befriends a young oriental boy, inviting him into his house.
In Blind Side, Sandra Bullock’s Character befriends a young African American boy, inviting him into his house.

In Gran Torino, the young oriental boy is being recruited by a gang.
In Blind Side, the young African American boy is being recruited by a gang.

Both characters publicly stand up to the gangs, stating that the child is under their protection.

Both characters teach the children better work ethics.

In the end, both children end up going to college.

Viola! Strip away the subplots of cancer, swearing, and football, and you are left with the same plot. Your honor, the prosecution rests it’s case.

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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

WTF Archie Andrews?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again - Something is seriously wrong with the guys who draw Archie Comic Books.

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Friday, June 11, 2010

Sleep like a baby!

The following banter took place regarding a baby product called "The Nap Cap."

Coyote: "Encouraging kids to be like racing horses since 1999. All you need to do is slip this simple nap cap on their head and after they fall asleep pulling the blinder down. When they wake up the will think that they have gone blind and fall right back to sleep. Great invention."

Me: "I think it’s a pretty clever idea, but I bet it’s not as effective as the Baby Nap Filing-Cabinet Drawer of Darkness……"

Coyote: "Probably not as effective. LOL"

Me: "Yeah, once the oxygen starts getting a little thin in the cabinet, it’s usually “light outs” for lil’ Billy. Works like magic! I really should get the Shamwow guy to sell them on infomercials!"

Filing Cabinet Drawer of Darkness, apply directly to the baby!
Filing Cabinet Drawer of Darkness, apply directly to the baby!
Filing Cabinet Drawer of Darkness, apply directly to the baby!

Coyote: "Please don’t he is scary enough as is, we don’t want him around children."

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Thursday, June 10, 2010

BP - Problem solved!

Deep down in my heart, I know that if I took the time to do it, I could single-handedly solve the world's problems. But, as you can imagine, that would take a lot of time. Time that I'd rather spend fishing, or reading books on the toilet, or watching Last Comic Standing. I can't be expected to do everything, but this BP oil problem is really starting to bother me.

So I decided to devote 10 minutes of my lunch our to straighten this whole damned mess out! I guess I'm just sick of BP pumping their sludge into our oceans. Maybe the company should bring in some creative minds to ponder solutions instead of just a bunch of engineers. There has to be a whole slew of creative geniuses out there that can dream up a Rube Goldbergesque method of plugging that pipeline!

Then, only after after ALL of these crazy ideas have been generated, should the BP engineers be turned loose to make the invention work.

Well, I said that I would devote 10 minutes to it, and it looks like four have already passed by. I better get to solving! Here are a few ideas that have just now sprung from my noggin'.

One word — Hair. Think about it, even a small amount of hair will clog a drain. And it isn' t easy to get out either. It takes some mighty-powerful chemicals to eat through a hair-clogged drain! Chemicals that are undoubtedly more powerful that crude, unrefined oil. So how about rounding up a massive hair-ball BP?

Beanie Babies — Not that they'd be the particularly absorbent. Nor would they necessarily plug it forever, but there must be hundreds of thousands of unwanted ones that people would sacrifice for the good of all mankind. And if it didn't work, at least the oil spill would be nicer to look at with millions of cuddly little beanie animals floating on the top.

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Monday, June 7, 2010

This just In....

Fox news just broke the story! Apple unveils the newest iPhone design! And to me it looks a lot like an ugly, pissed off old British woman.

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Monday, June 7, 2010

A whopper of a tale tail

The right place at the right time

I had the best fishing experience of my life this weekend! I'd spent the afternoon at the private lake I belong to and despite my most valiant efforts, I didn't even get a single bite. There was something strange going on though, as I noticed the the top of the water was filled with tiny catfish, schooling together and swimming in tight little formation. I just assumed that the warm weather had caused eggs to hatch and these tiny fish were merely the newborns swimming en masse. It was strange to see, but I just assumed that this was a natural phenomenon that i'd never seen before over" before, but had never experienced it.

But as it grew darker, I noticed that more and more fish seemed to be coming near the surface. I gave up and was leaving when I ran into my uncle Duck (his nickname) and he told me that he thought the lake was "turning over." I'd heard of this "turning over" before, but had never experienced it first hand. What basically happens is that the water is depleted of oxygen, forcing fish to swim to the top, where the water is more oxygen filled.

Knowing this, I foisted my dad and borrowed a heavy-duty spotlight and returned to the lake with my brother Kole. What happened over the next few hours was nothing short of spectacular! We walked around the lake, shining the light in the water to find these giant catfish swimming around. The low oxygen in the water made them more lethargic than normal. So we would walk out and wrestle them to the bank and then toss them on land.

It was fun, amazing, and i'm sure it was a once in a lifetime experience. We did this for a few hours and ended up with a load of monstrous fish, as shown in the pictures below. The largest one I caught weighed in at 37 lbs, and Kole's came in at 28 lbs. After it was all said and done, we ended up with 45 lbs. of catfish fillets, and a fishing trip that i'm sure that neither one of us will ever forget!

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Friday, June 5, 2010

Random Thoughts

Want to really upset your neighbors? Walk out to the street in front of their house and spend a few minutes standing there writing in a notepad. It doesn’t matter what you write. Just stand there and glance at the property every once in a while.

If your neighbors come out, just put the note book in your back pocket and engage in small talk. If they ask what you are doing, just vaguely tell them that you are “taking notes.”

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Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Complexities of a Simple Mind

I wonder why we experience time in different lengths. I've been at work on. Days where it seems that the last hour of the day seems longer than the previous three hours. I've also been in car wrecks where time has slowed down so much that the entire wreck, which lasted mere seconds seemed to be playing in slow motion. This means that somewhere, buried deep within our brain, is the ability to change our perception of time. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could unlock the ability to use this to our advantage? Imagine coming back from work after lunch and feel like you have had an entire weekends worth of time away from the job. Imagine being able to do something that you really enjoy and being able to stretch the time out until you were ready to finish. And on the flip side, wouldn't it be nice to make daunting tasks appear to fly by in what would feel like mere moments. If it could feel like hours of yard work could appear to pass in a few fleeting minutes? It would be amazing.

But I doubt science will ever be able to tap into that part of the brain that is so full of complexities.

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Tuesday, June 1, 2010

RIP - The Gooch finally got to him

The following is an abridged version of the bizarre office conversation regarding the passing of TV icon, Gary Coleman. Every sentence I spoke got further from the truth and more disturbing.

That One Guy: Did you hear that Gary Coleman died?
Me: Yeah. I heard he died in an altercation with Gary Busey.
That One Guy: What?
Me: Yeah, Gary Busey chewed through his arm, and he died.
Office Worker: What are you guys talking about?
That One Guy: Gary Coleman died today.
Mac: Whatchoo talking ‘bout Willis? Did he really?
Me: Yeah. Gary Busey killed him by chewing through his arm. Then Busey ate all of his hair to gain his power.
Another Designer: What the heck are you guys talking about?
Me: Gary Coleman died today because Gary Busey was eating through his endocrine system.
Another Designer: Huh? Who the heck is Gary Busey?
Me: You know him. He’s like Cain from “Kung-Fu”, but with the head of a horse.

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