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Tuesday, March 28, 2007
One Sore Eeyore
Last night Wendy and I were trying to print my brother Kaleb’s senior pictures at Walmart, but we got questioned before they’d give us the prints! (Jon said that it’s really a compliment, since they think that they’re professional photographs. I suppose I can see his point, but its still annoying. ) After reviewing our prints, the photo-lab boy (obviously nervous) stammered and stuttered when he said “Ummm, I have to ask you this; Did you take these?”
I simply replied, “yes, I did.” I guess that was good enough for him because he never mentioned it again. But thinking back on it, I should have snapped a picture of him with my cellphone. Then the next time he asks me “Did you really take these photos?” I could reply with “Yes. And here is a photo of you in a leather codpiece spanking a donkey.” I bet that’d shut ‘em up!
Unfortuanately, all of our prints weren't ready so we stopped in this evening to pick them up. I was expecting another "Did you take these photos?" , but was surprised when they actually made me sign a copyright form stating that I, the copyright owner, gave myself permission to make prints of my own photos.
"You're kidding, right?" I asked. "I have to write down that I give myself permission to print my photos?!"
"We have to do this for any professional photos."
"But they're MY photos. And I'm not a professional." I laughed.
"They look professional, so yes you have to sign it."
So begrudgingly I signed it......
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Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Love Stinks! No really, I think it does this time
Spring must officially be here. The air is warm and gentle, birds are chirping in the blossoming trees. The sun basks down upon the earth like a loving mother, cradling her child in a warm, loving embrace. Love is in the air.
You can feel it, taste it, and hear its whispers on the lips of young lovers. You can find love all around us if you take the time to look.
Case in point; this endearing little heart which appears in the middle of a glob of bird shit in the parking lot. Isn't love grand?
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Sunday, March 25, 2007
We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher!
Today was the first real day that it was in the upper seventies. We had a cookout at Her Majesty's parents and The Brat and I got in some good softball practice in. The field was a bit marshy from yesterdays rain, but we trudged through it and played catch. The brat is playing on the same team this year, but is hoping to play third base this summer. She'd played third for the last two years in her previous league, but got moved to right field when she moved up into this league. She was pretty upset because she loved third base and was pretty damned good at it. I think she was more upset ant the reason that she couldn't play third. The coach told her that she was the only girl who could fire the ball into home from was back in the field and that she was more valuable back there.
So just in case she's out there again this year, we practiced the long distance throws. And as embarrassing as it is to say, I think she's got a better arm than I do this year. She was firing them to me with no problem today. Luckily for me that she was too far away to hear me grunt and grimace every time I threw the ball back to her. My shoulder feels like its been through a meat grinder!
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Tuesday, March 20, 2007
The following is a snippet of an email correspondence between the Reverend Ed and I.
Quoth The Revered: ............if you were starting a band in today's world, a really bad choice of names for your band would be 'Renegade Muslims'
Me: Yeah, I think that's why “Cat Stevens and the Bombers” never went back on tour with their “Sheikh Your Booty” tour.
The Revered: ............
Me: As a matter of fact, That whole “Rockin’ the USA” tour has Been Laden with problems……..
The Revered: Jesus, what did I start?
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Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Letters, we get letters........
Bdahnke sent in this letter about my insensitive remarks in the March 17th post.
Derek, Derek, Derek,
When will you learn to be politically correct. As a mother of a child who is handicapped, and by the way quite a good bowler. ( He earned a gold medal at both district and sectionals for Special Olympics) I take offence to your retard comment. Can you beat his 144 game or his 118 average?
Lucky for you I also have a sense of humor. So yes, once again you made me laugh.
bdahnke
Reply:
Sorry, bdahnke, but I don't know if I'll ever be politically correct. Of course, that doesn't mean that I intended on being hurtful or offensive by what I said. I was just trying to point out that I suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck at bowling. There's no doubt in my mind that your son could beat me at it!
Back to my lack of political correctness; I guess that's something that I need to work on. My family always gets mad at me when I refer to the “cripple parking” at store entrances or “flaming faggots” that wear girls clothes and makeup. But that doesn't mean that I'm a hater of either. I have both handicapped and gay friends (but no handicapped gay friends. Hmmmm....something to shoot for???)
Anyway, I never meant any harm with my words, as I'm sure that you realize. Glad to hear that my idiotic ramblings still entertain you once in a while.
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Monday, March 19, 2007
Have you ever wondered where all of those plastic bags that you get at Wal-mart come from? Little do most people know that they are grown right here in the heartland of America! Within the past five years, bag farming has becoming increasingly common in our state. Where as in the late 1990's, it was difficult to spot a field of bags, it's now a common site in rural Illinois. These fields become heavenly white during harvesting season (early July) and you can hear the soft rustle as the bags crinkle in the autumn breeze. "Bagging", as it has become known, has become a successful farming venture for many, especially since this hearty crop has only one pest. Yes, I'm speaking of bag worms. But with proper care and pesticide, bag farming is bringing the farming profession back into the black ink.
In the photo below. You can see the fresh fields of plastic bags before they are harvested.
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Saturday, March 17, 2007
Maybe we needed heavier balls!
We went bowling with Sioux and Stu this evening. Her Majesty and I are what you'd call experienced bowlers. We bowled a few games last summer in Indianapolis, but we'd been in a bowling slump since 1989 prior to that. I enjoy bowling, but I suck. I imagine that I bowl about as well as a retarded 10 year old quadriplegic with gout. It seemed like my first turn ALWAYS went into the gutter no matter what I did. It was if some strange, mystic force pulled my ball into the gutter every time. The more that I tried to compensate for it, the more that I did it. It was embarrassing!
Wendy and Sioux did pretty well, considering that Wendy hasn't bowled often and Sioux has a fetus in her belly. I think Stu may have been playing us though. He was bowling pretty decent in the beginning, but towards the end he released and onslaught of strikes and spares. I think he may go pro! Good thing I didn't bet any money on the game, or they'd own our truck, house and maybe even my “Where the Wild Things Are” toy collection!
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Thursday, March 15, 2007
Driven...... to the poor-house
I've been driving Wendy's truck to work ever since the wreck. It's ridiculously expensive to drive this thing to work! The all-wheel drive behemoth only get about 15 miles per gallon and is quickly eating away at our pocket book. So maybe I need to think of other ways to save money until we get a new vehicle.
I could always quit smoking, but that is a difficult, arduous journey that makes everyone around me live in hell. I need easier ways.
I could quit eating lunch. This would probably save around twenty dollars a week.
And that's about it. I don't spend a lot of money outside of nicotine and sustenance. So maybe I need to focus on ways to earn money.
I could sell a testicle to science for 250k in Mexico, or so it's rumored. But it's illegal here in the U.S. So if the deal went bad, there'd be no way to recoup the money -- or the testicle.
I could have a massive eBay auction and sell all of my antiquated zip discs, book, and home made Halloween decorations.
I could start mowing lawns, but my mower isn't working right now and the grass hasn't really started growing yet.
I could beg for money outside of Wal-Mart on my lunch break. But who'd believe a that a clean shaven chubby guy in dockers needs a hand-out?
Maybe it's time to break down and buy another car.
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Wednesday, March 14, 2007
The following is a snippet of an email correspondence between the Reverend Ed and I
Quoth The Revered:
"The letter W is the only letter that really sounds like what it looks like.....although, it should be called a double V not a double U. And then that got me thunkin' about the other ones, the alphabrothers as I like to call them. We don't call a P a one legged R or a broken R now do we? I, as well as anyone, am well versed in the Greek alphabet and the origin of our modern letters and know full well that the letter T comes from the symbol for Taurus the bull (and the conservative family car) and the cross at the top of the letter is simply the bastardization of the symbols depiction of the horns on the bull..........but going by it's name, shouldn't it look like a tea bag?....or at least the act of tea bagging?
B does indeed look like boobs seen from the top (which, in that regard would make a 'P' look like a one boobed person from above ala' radical mastectomy...) but it's called 'B' not boobs and in any case it doesn't look like a bee.
H does indeed look like an H-Beam but I believe that's the old, 'the beam is named after the letter, not the letter named after the thing....' just like an 'S' Curve or 'I' Beam or a 'C' clip.
The letter 'O' is an interesting paradox. The human mouth does indeed make the 'O' shape when saying the sound for 'O' but is that where the letter came from ..............the world may never knOw.
X does mark the spot but 'M' don't look a thing like Dorothy's auntie......Y I wonder?"
Me: And did you ever notice how the letter “V” fits so comfortably up the letter “W’s” butt?! The letter “W” also looks like Madonna’s ta-ta’s from above. The singer, not the messiah’s mamma......... And speaking of Jesus, the letter “T” looks like, oh nevermind. (Bet you thought that I was going to say a cross didn’t you? Nope, I was going to say a hammered in nail.)
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Monday, March 12, 2007
I consider myself to be a pretty good guy. I always try to lend a hand to people in need, I donate to charity throughout the year. I'll pet stray puppies and kittens alike. But sometimes you just get the urge to be a dick.
That urge struck me today at lunch. It was a beautiful, warm afternoon and there are lots of parents and children frolicking on the playground. There are dozens of empty parking spaces in the park, but I chose to park directly in front of one of the only open picnic tables. I'm not going to use it though, instead I'm going to sit in the SUV and listen to the radio while I eat and write this. The table is still free to anyone who wants it, but they'll have to eat about 5 feet in front of me and be self conscious while I look out from the truck.
Sometimes it's fun to be a dick.
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Sunday, March 11, 2007
Now he's a court jester with a broken heart.
I can hardly believe it, but Marvel comics killed one of the most iconic star- spangled characters in all of fiction. In case you haven't heard, Captain America was assassinated by a sniper this month. Was this a political statement by the comic publishers? A reaction to the publics' anti-war sediments? Or was it just a money making ploy that would finish of the meager comic sales? I don't have the answers, but I don't agree that this is the time to be killing off our super-patriotic heros. There are so few fictional characters for our kids to look up to. In a world filled with violent fictional characters and games like "God of War" and "Grand Theft Auto" where the heroes act more like villains, I think it does the country good to have some wholesome, traditional heros in the mix.
Read the whole story on CNN by clicking here.
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Well, its been a month or so since I hit that deer with the Oldsmobile, so I guess it was time for the Fates to smack me down again. This morning I was hit in the front end by another car while I was turning in to get fuel. Luckily the airbags really worked this time (unlike when I hit that deer). I emerged pretty much unscathed from the event except for a sore sternum, a twisted ankle, and a failure to yield ticket. Hopefully the people in the other vehicle came out okay also.
This is where I got hit. Right smack dab in the right front fender! KAPOW!!!
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And here is the view from the other side. I know that the car is all smashed and beaten, but doesn't it kind of look like it's smiling at the camera?
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The photos above let you see the extent of damage that was under the hood. But notice how well the tire held up. I believe they are Futura Touring tires from Pep Boys. Durable indeed!
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And here is the freaky thing about the wreck. Notice the impact in the passenger side window. I can't explain how anything could have hit the glass there. It's as if someone else had struck the window with their head.
I'm just glad that I didn't have a "Jesus is my copilot" bumper sticker because Jesus would have one heck of a headache!
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Wednesday, March 07, 2007
I overheard this conversation at a nearby table during my lunch. The people were talking about weight loss and someone in their circle of friends who apparently wasn't around at the time.
Person 1: Wow! They should be really proud for losing so much weight.
Person 2: But there's a point where you might lose too much. If you lose too much too quick, you start looking like a corpse.
Person 1: Maybe they'll need surgery to tighten up their loose skin like on television.
Person 2: "They should be made to have that surgery. Its just plain old gross to have 40lbs of loose skin for one thing. And its just plain selfish too! "
Person 1: "Selfish? Why?"
Person 2: “By donating that 40lbs of loose skin, I bet they could save 3 burn victims."
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Tuesday, March 06, 2007
They reported. I decided.
I read this weird headline the other morning and couldn't believe it. Not only is it bizarre, but it mystifies me as to how someone would even think of this! What would have entered this guys mind to even conceive sexually abusing a person in a Superman suit? How did this guy come to the realization that he would even get off on that? Was he like, “Well, I'd really like to force my way on this man standing here, but that's not very exciting! Wait a minute......... if he were only dressed as the most powerful man alive! Nah, where would I ever find a Bill Gates costume anyway. Ah, but wait, maybe a Superman costume would do.....”
I guess I don't understand the whole role-playing games in general. Why on earth do you need to dress up and play out a pretend scenario just to get your rocks off? I'd think it'd get expensive, especially buying all of those costumes. And what if you invested in a costume and then found out that it really doesn't work for you? I wonder how many people have unused French maid or Tarzan costumes lying dormant in the closet.
If I ever even considered the role playing thing to spice up a marriage, it'd have to involve more than some cheesy scenario and a cheap costume. It'd have to be creative, and worth my time. It have to have an elaborate plot and cool characters. Nothing run-of-the-mill.
It'd have to be like: “Okay, so tonight you'll be the one armed android mine worker, and I'll be the Velocaraptor! Go ahead and put on your helmet why I roll around in this mixture of honey and almonds.
”Remember to watch out for my sharp third toenail! And don't forget that you can only speak in Armenian.”
Read the entire Fox News story here.
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Saturday, March 05, 2007
I finally got around to taking some photos for my brother Kaleb's senior pictures. You'd think that by having all of these friends who are photographers, that some sort of picture taking skills would have rubbed off on me. Sadly though, my photographic skills are still meger at best. But I think I came up with a pretty cool compostition that will set his photos apart from everyone elses.
What do you think?
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Thursday, March 03, 2007
Shooting pigs
My Dad left for a hunting trip in Arkansas the other day. He and some other bow-hunters that he met online got together and organized a bow hunt for wild boars. There were about twenty of the bow-hunters all together. It sounds like a good time, it’s not very often that you get to hunt boar with a bow and arrow, especially if you live in this area of the country.
But that kind of got me thinking about things you here on the news and in the plethora of modern urban legends. Stories of people who meet someone online, only to find out that they aren’t what they pretended to be. Stories like the young college student who goes to meet the girl of his dreams only to discover that the “girl” is actually a forty year old man from Tennessee! The next think the student knows is that he wakes up in a pit that smells like ass and puppy chow. Oh, my god! What if this whole thing was a set up to lure my father into a trap!
What if he arrives at the cabin only to discover that this group of “bow hunters” isn’t all that they claimed to be. What if its actually a group of twenty diabolical college girls instead?!
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