Thursday, May 27, 2010

Random Thoughts

1. I wonder how people at nude beaches discern if a guy is really rubbing in the suntan lotion on his jimmy, or if he's "flogging the dolphin"?

2. They really should change the scientific name for humans. I'm sure that it made sense at the time, but I bet students giggle every time the teacher brings up the term homo erectus. I know I would.

3. Nothing smells more like summertime that the smell of ozone mixed with coconut suntan lotion.

4. Can you imagine how scary it would be if you woke up in the middle of the night and there was a clown standing beside your bed just staring at you?

5. If foxes are really members of the cat family, why do they look so much like a damned dog?

6. If I was a geneticist and really wanted to wreak havoc on the world, I think I'd engineer some sort of mosquito that could lay snake eggs in the skin of it's victims.

7. I think it's crazy that teenagers drink so many energy drinks these days. I remember being that age and having unlimited energy to begin with.

8. I wish Dr. Suess would have written his own transcription of the bible before he died. I so would have read that a million times over. I can hear it now:

"On day six God made woman - all big breasted. Then on day seven, he only rested."

or: "I must fit them on this boat! Noah said while herding goats.
Why me? Why me? Noah scorned, as he gave up catching unicorns."

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Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Another Random Daily Conversation

Coyote: I have attached a C3PO form for you who didn’t get to pick one up. Anyone can sign up……..even pregnant people.

Me: But not their babies, right? I mean, little Cletus the Fetus has a say in it too.

Coyote: Actually no he doesn’t.

Me: Whaaaaaaa???? You can’t be serious! Fetussess Feti Fetuses have rights you know. VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!!!

Coyote: I am anti- abortion, however some of those little guys are bassturds you know.

Me: Oh no you didunt! You went tooooooooo far this time! I shall rally the fetuses of the world against you and your tyranny! Sigh… okay, no I won’t. It could never happen anyway. Even if I organized a revolution, there’s no way to get all of those stupid fetuses in one place to rally. I surrender.

Coyote: I am pretty sure it is because you are talking to a fetus apartment and you all know that their powers are week without the apartments that house them.

Me: Yeah, and I bet I’d get arrested before I could liberate more than three or four of them.

Coyote: Yeah, and that is a really sick visual. Yuk!!! Thinking of a happy place!! Yuk!!!

Me: Man, don’t act like I’d be mean or anything! I’d be nice and coax them out with a rattle or something. It’s not like I’d go yanking them out with salad tongs and a spork from Hardees.

I’m trying to help them! Remember?

Coyote: Yes another great visual. Derek G’wood shaking rattles at random women’s va jay jays. Nice. You will surly go to prison for that.

Me: Va jay jays? I was talking about storks. You are sorely misinformed, lady. But that’s okay. Derek Greenwood is a forgiving soul, if nothing else.

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Tuesday, May 25, 2010

A Rural Town Observation

Only in Louisville, Illinois - the town where I grew up, can you see a teenage boy in tall, green gunboots riding a skateboard in the gas station parking lot.

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Monday, May 24, 2010

Conversations with a semi-abandoned boy

I went fishing the other evening at the lake. It was nearly sundown and the fish weren’t biting, but I enjoy the solitude of being alone outside with nature. Just me, mother nature and a bunch of steel hooks – and my iPod.

I was standing on the dam when a lone small boy rode up on a battery powered four wheeler. As he neared, the battery gave out and he came to a slow, whining halt. The child slowly got off, slinging his leg high over the side, like an old salty cowboy from generations gone by.

I continued casting my line, trying to ignore this little kindergarten intruder as he walked closer.

He stopped beside me and rocked back on forth on his heels. His hands were in his pockets and had the drawl of an old farmer.

Boy: “catchin’ anthing?”

Me: “Not yet.”

Boy: “I saw you fishin’ and rode my four wheeler up up here.”

Me: I saw that. Did it run our of power?

Boy: Yeah, Dad never charges it all of the way. He makes me mad because he knows it won’t last too long.

I nod, laughing a little. Partly because I remember being out at the lake at his age, and partly because he’s trying to act like a grown up when he talks. He watches me cast my line, and spits in the water.

Boy: “That sure is a fancy looking fishing pole you got there. (long pause) I ain’t never seen one that looks like that before.”

Me: “It’s a spin cast.”

Boy: “Can I throw it out?”

Me: “No. It’s for grown ups.”

Boy: “Why?”

Me: “Because they tangle so easily.”

Boy: “Well why do they make them tangle easy?”

Me: “To keep kids from using them.”

Boy: “Oh.”

He begins to shake his arms and wrists furiously. His little hands flopping around at a crazy pace.

Boy: “Look how fast I can move my arms!”

Me: “You better be careful, you’ll hurt yourself!”

Boy: “I do this all the time, watch!” He said as he put a little more effort into the spasmodic flapping.

Me: “My brother used to do that - and one day his arm fell off.”

Boy: “Did not.”

Me: “Yeah. For real. Every time you do that, your skin gets weaker. Then one day it’ll just fall off. That’s what happened to my brother. He used to flap like you are, and one day his whole arm came off at the elbow.”

Boy: “What happened? was he okay?”

Me: “No. He died.”

Boy: ................. “Hey, did I ever tell you that my favorite color was red? Like your fishing pole. It’s red.”

Me: “Oh Really? Hmmmm....”

Boy: “Can I reel your line in? It sure looks like fun!”

I cast the line and hand him the pole. He reels in the line as furiously as he was shaking his arms earlier. There was no way a fish could catch that bait;. It was skimming across the top like a crazed water skier. I took the pole back and casted again, then began to reel it in.

Boy: “Hey, I want to reel it in everytime.”

Me: “Heh, sorry buddy, that ain’t gonna’ happen.”

He stood beside me in silence for a few moments, staring out into the water before speaking again.

Boy: “Do you know my dad? He’s CRAZY!”

Me: “Oh really?”

Boy: “Yeah. He’s always out here watching Nascar and drinking beer. He drinks too much beer and is always backing the truck up into the trees! He’s crazy.”

I stayed silent for a few moments, trying to hide the smile on my face. I passed the pole to the boy.

Me: “Here kid, reel this in.”

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Saturday, May 22, 2010

Partaaaay

We spent the afternoon socializing with my old friends Lisa, Aaron, and Loretta today. It was a good time for all, filled with hamburgers, cold beer, and laughs, culminating with an impromptu tap dancing performance to Britney Spear's song "Womanizer" by Lisa's new girlfriend Jessica.

It was the first time that we had spent visiting with them in almost two years, and it was good to see how everyone was doing. Hopefully we can have more get togethers like it in the future because I truly had a blast.

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Wednesday, May 19, 2010

An office conversation

The following banter between That One Guy and I regarding a photo of a girl that I provided to him.

Me: There is a large, transparent girl (just like you like ‘em) in the transfer folder.

That One Guy: Umm you forgot the club foot, AND the peg leg, Did I mention the peg leg?

Me: Sorry pal, no club foot. But if you look, you’ll notice that she has a club “arm stump.” That’s gotta’ count for something.

That One Guy: Ahh yes good ole transparent stumpy arm girl, well life is full of compromises, I'll take her!

Me: There’s only two bad things about her.
1) She can’t really help with the dishes.
2) If you are drowning and she jumped in to save you, she’d only be able to get to you by swimming slightly growing concentric circles.

That One Guy: Well Derek, a thinking man would not see this as a deterrent. One of those hook grabber arms with proper buoyancy solves both problems in one fell swoop. Granted she might be a little slow helping with the dishes, but they would get done. Now she might not pull through the water rescue attempt, but the hook grabber arm would serve dual purpose as a life preserver as well as fighting off sharks - should the near drowning happen the ocean. Plus, sharks always go for the flailing and thrashing body first.

Ole stumpy isn't quite so bad after all now is she?

Me: No sir, she isn't.

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Sunday, May 16, 2010

Random Thoughts

When you have bald tires on your car, even driving to work in the rain is like playing an adventurous video game.

It’s a good thing babies aren’t born with moustaches. I mean, who could take a baby with a moustache seriously.

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Tuesday, May 11, 2010

She's Just As Black

I stopped Coyote in the hallway at work to say hi today. she was carrying a box of copy toner with her.

Me: "What the heck are you carrying that thing around for?"

Coyote: "I'm going to the bathroom."

Me: "And your taking the toner with you?"

Coyote: "Yeah, why? I always take toner with me."

Me: "You are so weird."

Coyote: "Well.......hello, Kettle!"

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Monday, May 10, 2010

Haunted

The haunt itch has bitten me since I've wanted my basement workshop. I don't really have any grandiose plans for this season yet, but I've been toying with building some sort of spider victims. Now when I say "victims" I'm talking about full-sized people who are all wrapped up in spider webs., possibly hanging upside down for the ceiling. Ideally, I'd like to have some sort of built-in motion sensor which could cause an internal motor to make the bodies twitch and shake.

I've never really delved into the realm of motorized props, but this seems like the kind of project that would be good to get my feet wet with motorized prop building.

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Sunday, May 9, 2010

Cleaning up the cobwebs

For the last two days I’ve been knee-deep in the annual cleaning of the basement. It’s a not-so-fun tradition where I spend all of my free time downstairs sweeping up my shop floor, vacuuming cobwebs, and essentially making our basement into a habitable area again. It’s been a long time coming this year though, since I usually complete the task in the beginning of November after I put away all of my ghoulish Halloween decorations. But for some reason, I didn’t do it last year, so the dust bunnies have grown out of control.

It doesn’t help matters that my workshop is in my basement also! Eventually the floor becomes littered with sawdust, plaster and other assorted remnants of projects constructed long ago.

So far in this post, I’ve only focused on the negative side of things though, and surprisingly plenty of great things arise from this massive clean-up too.

Like all of the new discoveries that came out of my cleaning adventure! Imagine how surprised I was this year to learn that I had two routers! Yes, two of them! Don’t ask me why, but for some reason I had forgotten that I had the second one. And you can’t even understand the joy that overcame me when I discovered a brand new sawzall on my shelf! So new in fact, that it’s still in the box!

Yes, my friends, the annual basement cleaning is a wonderful thing indeed.

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Thursday, May 6, 2010

Lissen' Up, Men!

Okay, I'd like to take a few moments of everyone's time to address a very important issue. An issue which not only effects me, but countless thousands of other people daily. I'm speaking of men's cologne.

Listen up men! I know that we all want to smell all nice and clean for the lady-folk, but enough is enough. If you walk past me in your button up shirt and blue jeans, and I can still smell you for five seconds after you are gone, then you are no longer a man.

You sir, are a bitch. Or possibly a cowboy.

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Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Waxed

Kaitlyn and her friend left early Sunday morning to pay a visit to a wax museum over an hour away. She'd never been to one before and was excited to see the creepy wax statues. but when she came back earlier than expected, we asked her how it was.

Me: So was the museum creepy?

Kaitlyn: "Yeah, it was pretty creepy. Especially since it wasn't a wax museum."

Me: "It wasn't? Then what was it?"

Kaitlyn: "Well, we didn't know it, but it ended up being a holocaust museum named Candles."

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Sunday, May 2, 2010

As it occurs to me...

When you really think about it, snakes aren’t much more than little dinosaurs with no legs.

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