Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Discovered - My Childhood

I’ve written before about Erv Coppi, the guy who used to host “Horror Nights” on the local PBS station when I was a kid, and how he unwittingly influenced my life.

But what I probably didn’t mention is that every week, the show would begin with a creepy organ music that announced the coming of Erv and his descriptions of the upcoming movie. That creepy organ music meant that good times were coming, and when I would hear it as a child, I knew that it was time to grab the popcorn, plop into the couch and watch Erv.

I loved that creepy organ music. Growing up, I could always hear it in the back of my head whenever I thought of those old scary movies! And as I grew older, I wished I had it to take me back to my childhood days.

I wanted the music so bad that every time I found a Halloween CD, I would buy it in hopes that the mysterious unnamed organ music would be on it. I must have bought more than a dozen cds over the years, but I never found the music. Eventually I gave up on ever finding the tune.

But the other day I was surfing the internet and heard it as a midi music file. I couldn’t believe it! And the site actually listed the name of the music, too!!! So after a few minutes of research, I was able to download the entire song!

The song is called Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor by Bach. You have to make sure to get it in D Minor or it doesn’t sound right. So any of you old Erv Coppi fans out there can find the music too. You know you want to.

The messed up thing about the whole ordeal is that after listening to the whole song, I realized the middle of it is actually the music to my favorite 1980’s video game, Gyrus! I must have played that game a thousand times when I was a kid, never knowing that the music I coveted was literally right beneath my nose.

Go figure.

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Saturday, August 23, 2008

Letters. We get Letters...

The Reverend Ed sent in this photo and the following comment:

........This is whey they don't televise wrestling at the olympics. One for your wrestling moves page.

Yeah, we'll name this move the "Beijing Drain Cleaner", but it's also known as "The Shanghai Surprise".

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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

It's the race of a lifetime, literally.

Google does one hell of a job modifying it's logo to reflect holidays and special events. I always enjoy checking out what strange and wondrous themes, their designer comes up with.

I thought today's to be especially strange, however. Is it just me, or does that look like a giant sperm cruising through the water? Yeah, I know it's just not me....

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Friday, August 15, 2008

What were they thinking?

I don’t understand what this Alaskan brewery was thinking when they developed this display. I would think that any guy would reject a girl who is walking around with giant crabs - even if she’s hot and carrying beer.

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Thursday, August 14, 2008

Evil Plans.

One of the unfair things about liking Halloween so much is that you can't really decorate like the people do for Christmas. I mean, you can go crazy with halloween decorations, but you can't really leave them out and expect them to be there in the morning, at least not in one piece.

So every year I have to take off work to set up the decorations which take all day to prepare, and then tear them down later that night. It's a labor of love, I tell you.

It sure would be nice to leave the decorations for a few weeks, but that privilege is reserved for hokey light-up snow men and spiral christmas trees. It's not even safe to place jack-o-lanterns outside!

The neighbor's children were disappointed last year because the morning after they carved their jack-o-lanterns, they found them splattered on the road. Not cool! Although it's probably something I would have done in my heathen days - So maybe I should just shut up.

But this year I have a plan. After we carve out our pumpkins, I'm going to sit them on the very end of our sidewalk. Yeah, it's inviting trouble, I know..... It's like putting a bottle of gin in an alcoholic's cabinet. Like sending a rehabilitated crack-head to party with Snoop Dog. Like sending Michael Jackson to a dark room with that little kid from Hanson. Okay, Okay, you get the point.

The point is, I want to create the ULTIMATE temptation for the prankster. I want those pumpkins to be irresistible. Why? I want to do a two-step prank on the pranksters themselves!

First, I want to coat the entire jack-o-lanterns with a thick coat of gooey petroleum jelly! So much that there's no way to lift them without getting it all over your clothes. And to top it off, I want to add a bunch of orange food coloring to the petroleum jelly. So not only will they be impossible to pick up, but they will immediately stain the skin and clothes of any little jerk who messes with them.

I mean, it is TRICK or treat after all, isn't it?

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Thursday, August 14, 2008

Another quick sketch from lunch time.

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Wednesday, August 13, 2008 Going Green - WW2 Style Here's a scan of a 1940s wartime poster urging consumers to "Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without." It looks to me like the lady is practicing "wearing that ass out" through spanking.

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Wednesday, August 13, 2008

A quick sketch from lunch time.

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Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Letters. We get letters.

My old college pal Ernie sent in this comment regarding transvestites, his pet cats, and the dreaded chupacabra.....

Derek,

I was thinking of you today. And no it did not involve a midget, three transvestite prostitutes, and lubricant.

Generally I check out your site a couple times a month. Good entertainment. I remembered you had a made a chupucabra sculpture.

Then today on CNN news was this story. This police department in Cuero, Texas claims to have filmed a chupucabra. Awesome. Then I thought of you. It lives. You are the master of all knowledge. How could I have ever doubted you creative intuition of mythical creatures.

Check it.
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2008/08/12/pkg.tx.chupucabra.kens

Minneapolis is good. I still teach. Make stuff. Sell stuff. And pet my cats.

All the best to you and your family,

Ernie

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Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Groovy!

Afternoon office banter that occurred when "Groove is in the Heart" was playing on my computer:

Me: "Groove is in the Heart." Now that's an awesome song!

Mr. M@: Mhmmm

Me: I'm serious, I love that song!

Mr. M@: .......

Me: Does that make me gay?

Mr. M@: No, I don't think so.

Me: Thank God! Otherwise I'd have to get a new wardrobe. I ain't picking up any guys dressed like this.

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Monday, August 11, 2008 Fist of Iron I was always a fan of comic books and amassed a collection of hundreds of them when i was a kid. I was never really into Iron Man, but since the blockbuster movie came out this summer, I've noticed that he's everywhere. I found this clipping of an old Iron Man comic to be especially disturbing....

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Sunday, August 10, 2008

Disappointed.

We went to the zoo yesterday and I got excited when I saw this sign. But once we were inside I found out it was just a bunch of stupid nocturnal monkeys and a opossum.

Bummer.

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Thursday, August 6, 2008

Letters. We get letters.

Mrs. Timaay sent in this letter regarding the July 29th post:

I've read the first sentence in that article about 5 times, and I still don't understand why the poor guy was cited when "an Indiana State Police trooper barreled down a state road in his Chevrolet Corvette at more that double the speed limit." Hoosiers...I tell 'ya.

~ Mrs. Timmaay

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Thursday, August 7, 2008

The July Search Results are in!! NOW WITH COMMENTARY!

Well here they are again; all of the strangest, most bizarre searches that brought people to my webpage for the month of July. I added my comments after each search term just like last month.

How did dawn micelli lose all that weight?
I don’t know.... shouldn’t you ask her instead?

crazy glue and seizures
Go together like a horse and carriage...

John travolta grease jung
Quick, name a movie star, a lubricant, and a famous psychologist!

Old grandmother’pubic hair
Man, this keeps getting weirder and weirder doesn’t it?

wwww.dog semen com
Say WHAT?!

Screams
I really liked the first movie, but the last two Screams were a waste of film.

Insects circadia
Hey, that KINDA’ rhymes with Lawrence of Arabia.

Put your flame in this box
You first!

Thats gross
If you’re referring to one of my Halloween projects, thanks! If you’re referring to a picture of me, then piss-off!

Richard and karen carpenter secrets revealed
Quick: Name a title of a book that wouldn’t ever sell.

Can you sell a testicle to science
I suppose so. It’s got a lot of mileage on it though - probably wouldn’t get much out of it anymore.

Free clip art window decal of calvin
Piss off!!! Oh, wait.... Piss on!!!

How to look after alien babies
Keep them warm, moist and clean. Pay special attention to the antennae.

How to make my face not appear so round
Try pulling on your skin a lot.

quasimodo “i am not an animal”
You insensitive jerk! that’s Mister Quasimodo to you.

schizophrenics diapered
That's still better than facing undiapered schizphrenics, isn’t it?

“studio audience” legal disclaimer
For ages 30+: Speaking about events which occur during filming is strictly prohibited. Violators will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
For ages 13-29: Don’t talk about dis shit to nobody, yo! Lessen’ you want my boyz all up in your sass!

“rectal clip photo”
Sorry, no comment. Just a looong, blank stare.

“would you still love me” jokes
I dunno.....would you still love me riddles if I talked like Popeye??

kevin bacon , fonzie
If Fonzie and Kevin were stranded for weeks after an airplane crash in the Himalayas, what would be eaten, and by who.

what happens if you pull on the skin on your face a lot
Mom always told me that it might stay that way, but I have my doubts.

what is the difference between a pr program and and pr campaign
Three Consonants and one vowel.

paper made of apple skin
If you’re taking about the fruit, that’d be neat. If you’re referring to Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter, you need to seek help, right now.

marvel comics mastectomy
What would happen if Jennifer Garner really fought all of those ninjas like she did in the Elektra movie.

what to do with wire coat hangers
I use them to make bats, but some people use them to abort babies. But most of us use them to hang clothes in the closet.

where is plooble
Daddy flushed it.

reggie’s motorworks
Thank god! You need to keep that motor running reggie.

how to make brown paint painting
I don’t know knowledge of this

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Thursday, August 6, 2008

Of Gray Cats

Email banter between Reverend Ed and I regarding a replacement feline that he may have for me.

Me: Jesus...... I can’t believe I’m saying this, but if your grandson doesn’t want the gray one, I’ll take it. Our 17 year old gray cat just died last weekend, and Wendy and KG3 are still both upset.

Reverend Ed: I'll pass the word along to the 'cat jugglers' at home. I think they said they've got 3 weeks or so till they're weened yet.......... or maybe that was 'winged'....... I'm not sure on that..... do they grow wings?

Me: I dunno. If it grows wings, I’ll give you $10 for it.

Reverend Ed: Cool, and we can throw it off a bridge or somethin...........

Me: You mean gliiiiiiiiide it off a bridge.

Reverend Ed: Oh yeah.....

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Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Alice in Wonderland?

Afternoon office banter:

Office Girl: Hey, that’s Alice Cooper on the radio!

Me: It is?

Office Girl: Yeah, listen. School’s out for Summer!

Me: Yep. I guess it is him. You know, it’s hard to believe that parents hated him in the 70’s and now he hosts his own golf opens!

Office Girl: He does?

Mr. M@: Yeah. He’s a really good golfer too.

Office Girl: Really?

Mr. M@: I think he’s even written a couple of books about it.

Office Girl: But isn’t he the one that drank blood at his concerts?

Me: Yeah, but in the seventies, everyone drank blood.

Office Girl: They did?

Me: Yes, but most of them only did it because they had syphilis in their mouths.

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Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Mean Ass

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Monday, August 4, 2008

Old horses - new tricks

I had to run and pick up some medical supplies for my Aunt today. Little did I realize that this little lunch-hour jaunt would turn into a tremendously frustrating journey to hell.

Yeah, I said it. H-E- Double Hockey Sticks. And do you know exactly what hell is my friends? Hell is Walgreens at lunch hour. Walking through the parking lot is akin to the Running of the Bulls! It takes a bit of skill and bravery to navigate through the asphalt lot at noon. Grandpa can't see for anything, yet he somehow manages to drive the car at warp speed going the wrong direction!

Once I made it inside everything was okay - at first. I found exactly what I was looking for and headed for the checkout. And here's where the fun began!

I'm going to go out on a limb and make a blanket statement here. Are you ready? Old people don't like techology. There. I said it. They don't.

The old lady in front of me was arguing with the teenage check-out girl over her debit card. (Hint to old people : If you don't know what your pin number is, don't keep guessing until you can't use the card at all. And then don't bitch at the cashier about needing to use one in the first place. It's not the girls fault that you can't remember a four digit number! You're just making everyone else in line hate you, old lady!)

I know that this new mystical, magical universe of debit cards and cell phones is confusing to them. And that it probably seems like black magic to them, but they have to learn to adjust. Technology is like Merlin's wand to them.

They don't know how it works, and they don't like it because of that reason. Look lady - I don't understand how the doctor is checking your colon, but I'm pretty sure you reap the benefits of the doctor's technology, right?

So the lesson of today is to stay away from Walgreens during lunch hour at all costs. Because we know that the old people aren't going to change for me, after all.

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Sunday, August 3, 2008

Letters. We get letters.

The Reverend Ed sent in this page from the local county fair. Pay close attention to RULE #5!!!

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Sunday, August 3, 2008

But will I have friends?

I hate to do it, but I'm starting to think that I need to set up myspace and facebook pages. I've resisted for two years now, but the damn things are so prolific through our culture that I'm finding it hard to communicate with people.

I've been trying to contact people and businesses regarding a niche market I am trying to exploit.....er...break into, but I can't do it. Why? Because of the accursed social networking sites! These things are so ingrained that businesses don't bother setting up normal websites anymore.

Want to contact the owner of a company? You have to do it though their myspace account.

Want to view company information or photos? You have to do it on their myspace account

Want to see naked midgets spanking german grandmas? You CAN do that without myspace, but lets not get off the subject.

My point is, if I'm going to have any success dealing with these companies, I'm just going to have to break down and succumb to the lowest form of website drudgery; myspace.

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Saturday, August 2, 2008 Sad Day Twas a sad day in the Greenwood household today. Our cat, Storm died today at Wendy's parents house. We're not sure if he was hit by a car, or if it was just his time to go. He'd been in the family for a long time, after all. We'd found him underneath our trailer when we were living in North Carolina back in 1991. He was a cute little fuzzy thing back then! (as shown in the picture) And now, 17 years later, I had to put him to rest in the ground. Sad day.

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Friday, August 1, 2008

Googled!

Every so often I like to google my name and see what results show up. It's neat that I rank the first couple of hits, above both the musician and the Scientologist. Me, little ol' Derek Greenwood, son of Karen and Tom. Internet Supastaaaaaar!

Unrealistic delusions of grandeur aside, I like to see what Google says. But sometimes the abbreviated content from the pages turn out to be something really, REALLY bizarre. Case in point, today's search results. Check out the abbreviated contents on the second listing! Yuk!

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