Sunday, September 27, 2009

The weekly WTF?!

Earlier this year we took a family trip to the St. Louis Zoo. It's a top-notch zoo that is still somehow free to attend, but after years and years of visits, it has began to be a little bit less interesting with each visit. So on this trip, KG3 and I spent less time looking at the animals and more time noticing strange things in the scenery.

Case in point - the merry-go-round. I'd always noticed the scenes of children interacting with animals that decorate the wheel. But it wasn't until this trip that I took note of this obviously disturbed Korean child slowly squeezing the life out of a defenseless Guinea pig. WTF? She looks like a serial killer in training in this painting!

 

 

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Thursday, September 24, 2009

Daily Observations and Ponderings.

1) I bet if modern-day ninja clans stocked up on supplies, they’d all carry iPod earbuds as grappling hooks. Those damn things snag onto everything.

2) The ironic thing about Photoshop is that if you do a good job, nobody ever knows.

3) What happens when a ghost dies?

 

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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Another reason why I was scarred as a child.

Is there any logical reason why a mother would let her son buy a comic called "Giant Sized Man-Thing?" I sure as hell can't think of one.

Think this is funny? Then check out more scarring comic books from the past at my Inappropriate Comic Pages 2. Or visit the original Inappropriate Comic Pages here.

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Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Secret is Out.

On discussing the book "The Secret" with some co-workers. One of the other designers was explaining how the book preaches how you can control your destiny. The following is a brief dialogue that ended the conversation.

Another Designer: "Positive thoughts bring positive occurances, and negative thought bring negative things. It goes for everything in life. If you think about something enough, you'll cause it to happen.

Me: "But it doesn't work for everything, right?"

Another Designer: "The authors of the book say it does."

Me: "I dunno..... when I was in third grade I thought about dinosaurs all of the time and I never got one.

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Friday, September 18, 2009

Freefalling.

As the department was leaving for lunch, the group noticed a small, yellow finch laying face down on the steps. It was obviously injured, suffering the brunt blow of flying into the window at full speed. I remember this happening all of the time when I worked in this building before.

There must be something about the combination of glass buildings and the stupidity of birds that causes them to ram into the glass at full speed. And our building in particular seems to drop them like a hot bug zapper on a damp July night.

But this little bird was still alive and flipping, and obviously in pain. We all felt sorry for the lil’ feller, but what could we do at this point?

Lainie was obviously disturbed by this, and found a stick. She was worried that someone would step on him and wanted the little bird moved. So I took the stick and tried scooting him to the side of the steps, but he fell off the side to his death instead.

It was awful, and we felt bad. Instead of helping this small creature, I had unintentionally sent it to it’s doom. I just hope Lainie never sees anyone stranded on wheelchair ramp, and hands me a stick.

 

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Friday, September 18, 2009

Not so deep thoughts.

The coolest thing about wearing heavily starched shirts is when you move your arms really quickly and it sounds kinda' like Batman’s cape.

 


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Thursday, September 17, 2009

1,000 watts of ear molesting sound.

 


I can’t begin how to explain how frustrating it is when technology doesn’t work like it’s supposed to. This was the case with our home entertainment system. I guess we wore it out over the past two years, and although it was a cheap system to begin with, I imagine dvd players simply wear out after a few hundred showings of “10 Things I Hate About You.”

Like I said, our old system was cheap, I think the player and speakers hovered around the $45 range, but they served their purpose I suppose. The speakers were horrible, and eventually I hooked up new ones from an old boom-box. Yeah it was ghetto, but that’s how we roll in the Greenwood household.

So when we finally broke down and spent the money (Wendy’s Christmas Gift from last year), we went for the player with a decent sound system. We didn’t go crazy and drop $500 or anything, we just got a middle of the road system, but one that fit the upper tier of affordability in our budget.

After throwing the old system away, I noticed that the sticker on the reciever said that it had a 45 watt output. Yes, 45 watts! I could pass gas louder than that! Don't make me prove it.

But the new system is an astounding 1,000 watts of clear heart pumping goodness. So loud and clear that I haven’t even tested it’s upper limits for fear that it will shake all the hair off our cat! So now when John McClain blows up a dumptruck, Jason Bourne snipes a villain, or Wolverine rips open a helicoper, I’ll feel it in my teeth.


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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Do I even need to comment on this???

 

 

Yeah, I ate the Big Jimmy for breakfast. Wanna' make something of it?!


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Saturday, September 12, 2009

Puppeteer.


I've never built a puppet before, but I've wanted a puppet version of my man-easting venus flytraps for quite some time. So when I stumbled across these crocodile caps at the Dollar Tree, a little light went off in the Mad Scientist section of my noggin.

I'll keep posting through the stages of development.

And below are a few photos of my homemade static prop Venus Flytraps I built earlier this year.

 

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Thursday, September 10, 2009

The most erotic fortune cookie in existence.

 


 


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Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Facebooked again, starring Richard Dawson.


Another little example of a twisted mind colliding with a questionaire from The Facebook, this time in the style of Family Feud...

 

Name something you use in the shower?
Balance

Name a product for a man?
Scroll Saw

Name something people hate to find on their windshield?
Blood from a Pedestrian

Name something a man might buy before a date?
Probably prunes, but if they are out of stock I guess I'd go for dates as my second choice.

What is another word for blemish?
Dermascab

Something you cook in the microwave?
Food

Name a piece of furniture people need help moving?
I'd think I'd need help moving any furniture. But I imagine passing a coffee table would hurt the worst, with it's square edges and all.

Name a reason a younger man might like an older woman?
Her Cookies

Name something a dog does that embarrasses its owner?
Tell Lies

Name a kind of test you cannot study for?
A Conjunctivitus Test

Name something a boy scout gets a badge for?
His shirt, right?

Name a phrase with the word home in it?
Home(y) Don't Play That

Name something a teacher can do to ruin a student's day?
Poke him in the eyes with chalk.

What is a way you can tell someone has been crying?
If you have been yelling at them.

Name a bird that you wouldn't want to eat?
I'll name it Polly.

Name something that gets smaller the more you use it?
An alpaca (Taking the wool off it, you wierdo)

 


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Monday, September 7, 2009

Facebooked.


When I first got my account on The Facebook, I spent a lot of time filling out the questionaires that are circulated around. You know the type, they're the "let find out about you through a series of meaningless questions. But what happens when noral questionaires encounted the twisted mind of a Greenwood? Read on to find out...

 

1. Worst feeling in the world?
I think I'd have to go with pain on that one.

2. How many rings before you answer the phone?
I dunno, however many it takes for the answering machine picks up.

3. Future child's name?
Depends on how far in the future. If it's 3510ad, lets go with Merimlblscridon.

4. Favourite colour?
The only "colour" that I know of is grey.

5. Sleep with a stuffed animal?
Uh, no thanks. But I bet there's a website out there for people who do, if that's your thing.

6. Who is the person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to?
Geez, I should say Jesus, Nicoli Tesla, or Abraham Lincoln, but I'm gonna go with Jim Henson -the Muppet Show guy.

7. Favorite alcoholic drink?
Salty dog! Half vodka, half grapefruit, and a rim of salty goodness.

8. Glass half empty or half full?
Okay, this conundrum has angered me for years. There is a difference! If the glass was full and you pour half of it out, then it is now half empty. If the glass was empty and you fill it half way, then the glass is now half full! Why can't you people seem to grasp this?! Sheesh!

9. Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?
Yes I do. If I didn't, my answers would look like this: twd o fr, og o fof;my. Nu smdertd epikf kppl kol yjod.

10. What's under your bed?
Creepy little monsters that smell like frito corn chips. (get it Chuck, get it?!)

11. If you could build a house anywhere where would it be?
Definitely not inside another person. Nor underwater. I'd have to say somewhere on the ground would be best.

12 Technology or art?
Ooooooooh a tough one. I love art, but I'd have to say technology. If there weren't technology, we'd be living in caves. And cave art isn't really that exciting to me.

13. Favourite physical feature of the opposite sex?
I'd have to go with the face. A gal could have a smokin' hot body, but if her face had been eaten off by a chimpanzee, she wouldn't be the least attractive to me.

14. What's your favourite place to be massaged?
At home.

15. What's most important, strong in mind or strong in body?
The mind. Think about it: what's the last thing a strong person built to better mankind?

16. If you were stuck on a desert island, what one person would you choose to be with?
I'd want to be all alone. Why in the heck would I want to force someone else to be stuck on a deserted island? I'm not that mean.

17. Is there anything expired in your refrigerator?
Expired as in dead? I certainly hope not!

18. What were you doing the last time someone video taped you?
It was either during the massive Croatian Valkyrie Mud Wrestling Tournament in 1996, or at my Grandparents 60th Anniversary party earlier this year. I'd say the latter.

19. Do you usually get a "to go" box at restaurants?
Nah, if we need one, I usually make the waitress go and get it for me.

20. Do you or did you ever hang posters on your bedroom walls?
Did I or did I? What the hell kind of question is that? I guess so.

21. If so, who or what was on them?
Motley Crue or some other over rated hairband that was around them. No Queensryche though --- a guy had to draw the line somewhere.

22. Describe your shower curtain:
Both of our showers have sliding glass doors. Yeah - we're like city folk now.

23. Do you always try to play matchmaker with your single friends?
Sometimes I'd like to. Not that I'd expect it to work out or anything. Sometimes I think my friend, "Ugly Billy" just deserves to get some action too! Right? And he sure as heck can't get a girl on his own! Especially with a name like "Ugly Billy."

24. Do you prefer dangling earings, hoops or studs?
Am I the only one that sees the joke in this question involving dangling studs?

25. Have you ever used a Polaroid camera?
What do you mean by "used"?

26. What is your favorite stuffed animal?
I used to have a stuffed tiger cub when I was a kid, and I slept with it so long that all of the fur came off of the material. I think my mom still has it. (the animal, not the fur.)

27. On clothes do you prefer polka dots or stripes?
Are you kidding me?! The last time I saw a guy in polka dots, he was holding ping pong balls and helping kids play "The Grand Prize Game!"

28. Have you ever driven a moving truck?
Uh, is it really possible to say that you've driven a stationary truck?

29. Do you read the gossip magazines in the check out line?
Of course! One has to stay up with the babies that Angelina and Brad adopt. Did you realize that they are the 14th largest nation in the world now?

30. What shape of diamond looks best on your ring finger?
I was going to say Niel Diamond, but the more I think about it, the sicker it becomes.

31. Can you name all 7 Dwarfs?
Is this some kind of entrapment trick.? I don't discriminate on little people.

32. Last thing you bought in a vending machine?
A lottery ticket as a Christmas gift. - yeah, that's how I roll.

33. Does your mom still keep your baby teeth for memories?
That's silly on her part if so. Everyone knows that memories are stored in our brains, not our teeth.

34. If eating live cockroaches made you loose weight instantly, would you eat them?
I dunno, do people really want loose weight? If they'd make you LOSE weight, I would if they tasted like chocolate!

35. Do bikers in big groups wearing all leather scare you?
Only if they showed up in my bedroom.

36. If no one is home, do you close the bathroom door to pee?
I do now that we have a cat! I don't want any of those "dangling studs" that were brought up earlier in this questionaire.

37. What flavor Kool Aid was your favorite?
I always thought Kool Aid was for poor kids. we always had Coke or Country Time Lemonade

38. Can you do push ups?
Absolutely, but I do more "Sit Downs", than "Push Ups."

39. Do you have A. D. D.?
What was that? I'm sorry, I got distracted and started counting the floor tiles.

40. Do you wear glasses/contacts?
Not at the same time

41. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
Julia Roberts looked hot in that polka dotted dress. Grass grows through dirt. Jesse Helms finally died.

42. Current hate right now?
Nazis, and flavored coffee

43. How did you bring in the new year?
I invited it in for a drink, drugged it, drew a moustache on it's face with a sharpie, an then dropped it off at the Free Clinic.

44. Favorite boy's name?
I don't have a favorite boy.

45. Last thing that made you laugh?
Telling my friend Ed that I was going to wear a Tshirt that says "Born to Buff" at an interview for janitor position.

46. Do you use sarcasm?
Oh, hell no. Never.

47. Do you still have your tonsils? Last time I checked.
Wait hold on...........................Gag..................Hack........... Yes, yes I do.

48. Would you bungee jump?
Depends. If it was a five story bungee-cord and I was on a four story building, then no.

49. What is your favorite cereal?
It’s a toss up between honey bunches of oats, and frankenberry. I guess they’d have to fight to see which one came out on top.

50. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
No, I’m very efficient, even when I am getting dressed.

51. What is the first thing you notice about people?
Probably any kind of physical deformity is the first thing I would notice. Like “Hey, that guy doesn’t have a nose!” Aside from any disfigurements, I’d have to say a person’s eyes.

52. Red or pink?
That’s it? No other info? I guess red, unless the question is prefaced with something like: “You are burning alive, but the fire is extinguished. What color do you want your skin to be?” then I’d go with pink.

53. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
How would I know? If I was a crayon, I wouldn’t have free thought - so it would be impossible to know. That question is just plain ol’ stupid.

54. Scary movies or happy endings?
Unless you're talking about messages, then scary movies are the way to go.

55.. Summer or winter?
Summer. Winter is for idiots and penguins.

56. What is on your mouse pad?
Mousepad? Lol! That’s so 20th century!!!

57. Where were you born?
Right out of my mothers punanni and into the doctor’s hands.

 

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Saturday, September 5, 2009

Thoughts of Veggies


I think that cabbage is the only vegetable that has a separate meaning to it. Not only does it refer to the vegetable, but it is also synonymous with the work “take”, as in the following sentence:

“Mr. Johnson was throwing away this old sprocket, but I cabbaged on to it in case we need it later.”

See? It doesn’t work with asparagus, carrot, potato, or even celery. Only cabbage, the loneliest of vegetables.

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Friday, September 4, 2009

Simply Marvelous

 


When I heard that Disney purchased Marvel Comics for 4.5 billion dollars today, I was really bummed out. Marvel was the coolest thing in the world when I was growing up, and Disney stories were always so watered down and lame.

Sure, Disney had well written, epic stories, but Marvel was always about action. BAP!! BAM! SNIKKT! FOOM! It was sad to think of my childhood heroes becoming diluted and pulled into the Disney fold. Will Wolverine still be the loose cannon that kills his enemies with claws, or will his stories be relegated to only using his claws to bust through walls, cut down trees, etc? It sounds stupid, but nobody wants to see their childhood hero transformed into something they weren’t before. It happened before with O.J. Simpson, and I hope it won’t happen with the Marvel characters. So will Disney leave Marvel alone and let them continue the tradition of making action filled comics? I doubted it.

But then I remembered that Disney owns Miramax. And Miramax once created this little, artsy movie called Pulp Fiction. And then a warm feeling slowly came over my heart. Things are going to be alright.

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Thurday, September 3, 2009

5 Things....


This was my attempt at starting up my own viral "time killer" for people to fill out on The Facebook. No one else ever did it.

5 THINGS YOU NEVER WANT TO HERE THE DOCTOR SAY:
1. "Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Greenwood! We're pretty sure it's a boy."
2. "Huh, I didn't know that Hedgehogs could fit in such small spaces."
3. "Nurse Crochet, bring me another shot of scotch, this one is gonna' take a while."
4. " take two of these and call me once it falls off."
5. "Relax, this will only hurt for the first few inches."

5 THINGS YOU NEVER WANT TO HERE YOUR GRANDMA SAY:
1. "You're the spitting image of your grandpa. You kiss like him too."
2. "You know I love you, just not as much as I do the other grandkids."
3. "Remember when i used to clean your diapers? Well, now it's your turn."
4. "This is your new grandpa, Andy Rooney."
5. "The depression was a rough era. Your grandpa used to pull 2 shifts at the steel mill, but I still had to work the streets to make ends meet."

5 THINGS YOU LEARNED FROM WATCHING CARTOONS:
1. Muppet Show - Bears aren't really mean, they just tell corny jokes and say wokka, wokka, wokka!
2.Bugs Bunny - ACME must be the biggest company in the world since they sell EVERYTHING.
3. GI JOE Catoon - Terrorists shoot lasers instead of bullets, but it doesn't matter since they never really hit anyone.
4. Road Runner - Coyotes make a very distinct "poof" sound after falling from a cliff.
5. He Man - No matter how strong you are, you should fight your enemies by throwing large rocks in their direction.

5 THINGS YOU THAT YOU LEARNED ON THE PLAYGROUND THAT WERE WRONG:
1. Girls pee out of their butts.
2. There is an alligator living in the lake at Charlie Brown Park
3. All girls have cooties.
4. Firecrackers are harmless
5. Things that get written into your "permanent record" will follow you for your whole life.

5 THINGS THAT YOU LEARNED FROM YOUR GRANDPARENTS:
1. Grandpa - A single head nod and eye contact, can be substituted for an entire conversation in most cases.
2. Grandma - If you want to find any of the good stuff at yard sales, you have to wake up early.
3. Grandpa - Always cover the tip of the hook with part of the nightcrawler
4. Grandma - Your parents used to be little kids, just like you were.
5. Grandpa - Some of your more "endearing" personality traits were inherited.

5 THINGS THAT MEN SHOULD LEARN FROM WOMEN, OR WOMEN SHOULD LEARN FROM MEN:
1. Men become one with the television! When a television show is on, all conversation should stop. Conversations should only occur during commercials.
2. Your look fine. If you didn't, we wouldn't be taking you anywhere.
3. Men need time alone in their garage/workshop. It's our Fortress of Solitude - the place to go to relax and think.
4. No matter how much your husband or boyfriend tries to assure you to the contrary, all men like looking at naked women. End of story. It doesn't mean that we don't love you, it just means that we like boobies.
5. Even though you don't understand it, men have certain "needs" that have to be fulfilled. Like bench grinders and reciprocating saws. You don't understand it, but men need these.


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Saturday, September 1, 2009

Today's WTF...


Just when you thought Burger King's commercials couldn't get any stranger, they released this ad proclaiming that the King's Seven incher will "blow your Mind.". The inuendos don't really get much more blatant than this.

Want to read more thing that look dirty but really aren't? Check out my Not Really Dirty Page.

 

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