Predictions.

I guess it's that time of year for me to gaze at my crystal balls and make some predictions for 2008. So here we go:

Insurance premiums go up, insurance coverage goes down.

This will be the first time in history that a Black American Presidential Candidate will lose the election, but on the bright side - he'll have come closer than any other African American ever has before.

George Bush's popularity will fall in proportionate relationship to the rising cost of oil, and rising body count in Iraq.

Unable to find any more controversial topics to exploit, Marilyn Manson will gain 250 lbs, then record an album of nihilistic rage against the evils of Fast Food.

Andy Rooney still won't die.

The Global Warming trends will continue, yet somehow I'll still get cold hands after playing video games on my Playstation 2.

Scientists will finally accept the existence of ghosts. Jesse Jackson will appoint himself as their spokes person, fight for their civil liberties, and try to reclaim decades of unclaimed social security benefits.

The Discovery Channel will air a program showing lemmings that jump off cliffs aren't really brainless. Some lemmings just have really, really bad lives and alcohol issues.

The world as we know it will end on April 4th at 4:44pm. No one will be surprised though as we will be warned by FEMA of the impending disaster on March 3rd at 3:33pm.

In an attempt boost their lagging sales, McDonald's will open a chain of seedy “massage parlors” in the Asian market. The tagline will be “We're Mclovin’ you”.

In a cruel act of fate, Casey Kasim and Dick Clark’s limosines will collide at an independent music festival. The resulting accident will leave both men deaf after they are revived by Andy Dick.

Out with the old and in with the new.

Sometimes it doesn't feel like I've been out of the Marine Corps for 15 years. But when I hear news like the following from Military.com, it reminds me just how much the world has evolved. The following article features a new Howitzer that is taking the place of the ones that were used when I was in the Marines.

Marines Receive New M777
Marine Corps News | Lance Cpl. Richard Bioluminescent | December 21, 2007

The M777 also has a display that allows the fire direction center to send text messages to cannoneers riding in vehicles or manning Howitzers. The M777 also reduces the amount of time it takes for cannoneers to respond to indirect fire requests, Baters said.

"When somebody requests artillery support, every second counts," Baters said. "We can have this gun ready to fire in literally three to four minutes."

Because each M777 has the equipment to communicate with the fire direction center directly, the cannoneers can cover a larger area since they no longer need to be grouped together to receive coordinates, according to Sgt. Matthew L. Higgins, a field artillery cannoneer with L Battery.

"Instead of having all our guns in one spot, we can divide them up and cover a larger area," Higgins said.

Field artillery cannoneers with L Battery, arriving from Twentynine Palms, Calif., inspected the M777s before accepting the new guns from the Camp Pendleton, Calif.- based E Battery, 2nd Bn., 11th Marines, 1st MarDiv.

The 31st MEU's artillery batteries rotate in and out about every six months to a year as part of the Unit Deployment Program on Okinawa.
Copyright 2007 Marine Corps News. All opinions expressed in this article are the author's and do not necessarily reflect those of Military.com.

Vroooooooooooom.

KG3 got her student driver’s permit (aka the “white-slip”) on Friday, so we went on a couple of excursions over the holiday weekend to test her driving mettle. She did rather well, in truth, and we only had one really stressful “nail-biting” moment. I think that adults get so used to driving that we forget how stressful it was when we were learning.

It’s not until we are removed from our comfort level do we remember all of the nuances involved in driving. Nuances that we do instinctually, but are difficult to explain to a student driver. Don’t believe me? Well, lets brake down the elements of stopping at a four way stop sign and making a left hand turn:

1 – Begin braking
2 – Turn on signal .....remember to flip the lever down to go left
3 – Stop behind the stop sign
4 – Check all four lanes, if cars are present, remember the rules of right-of-way
5 – Accelerate into turn and smoothly turn the steering wheel

See?! That’s a lot of thinking for a simple left hand turn, huh? But we’ve got to work at it until it become second nature to us. Because when you think about it, a car is nothing more that a 3,000lbs death cage that moves incredibly fast. I think kids realize it when they first start learning to drive, but the realization fades away as their comfort level grows.

I think we have nearly 200 more hours of driving to go before she’ll have enough behind-the-wheel time to take her driver’s test next year. Surely she’ll be ready by then.

Just Plain Wrong.

I almost ran over a small dog today on my way to work. I managed to slow down just enough for the little buger to jump out of the way, but he died anyway, as luck would have it. upon dodging the Cadillac, he was slammed into by a blue mini-van. Que sara sara - or how ever you spell it.

I was relating this to Captain Alex and it reminded me of an urban legend that i heard in high school where I guy went on a drinking binge. The man swerved all the way home, drunk as all hell. After pulling his company car in the garage, he stumbled into bed and passed out. Needless to day, the guy was hung over the next day and running behind for work. he had drank so heavilly that he didn’t even remember how he got home! As he was leaving, his wife noticed that In his rush to get ready, her husband had forgotten his briefcase. So she opened the front door to meet him in the driveway as he backed out of the garage.

The man saw his wife approaching the car, and then fall to the ground. He jumped out of the car to help her and when he revived her, she pointed to the front of the car. And what the man saw was a horrible sight indeed. The body of a small girl - all broken and battered was stuck inside the grill of the car.

Captain Alex: Thats horrible.

Me: But I don’t know if it’s really true. I heard it a long time ago. Hey! That’d be a good one for MythBusters!

Captain Alex: It would?

Me: Well, not to find out if it really happened or not, but if a little girl could really ever get stuck inside a cars grill.

Don't tread on me!

Upon taking a bite of my Mcdonalds cheeseburger today, I had to put it down immediately. It tasted fine, but something about it didn't feel right.! That's when I noticed this strange tire tread going across the side of the lower bun. I really don't have any idea how it got there, let alone what would have made that kind of tread print in the bread. Maybe it's time to get CSI involved.

It surely makes me question just how they kill the cows......

The Strangest Card

I got the strangest Christmas card ever from Captain Alex today. It involved the tale of, and a photo of Albie the Elf. The card went as follows:

Dear Derek,
Whenever life hands you lemons and you are stressed out, remember the old tale of Albie the Elf. He only had 5 minutes, a Miller Lite, a cig, and a prayer to complete the wishes of millions of bratty-ass kids. Did poor Albie complain?.... Well, it's had to say. Albie passed out shortly after this photo was taken and he was fired due to his strange attraction to sheep and a guitar playing monkey toy (as seen in the photo). But Albie's spirit lives on this Christmas and many to come!

Merry Christmas - Alex N.

Printed in the newspaper

Sioux sent me this strange ad she had to make for the newspaper where she works!

Sioux: I thought you of all people would appreciate this ad that I just made. Somebody is actually paying to put this in our paper!

A fungal snowman.

KG3 made salads for lunch today, and added a little holiday cheer to them as always.

Letters. We get letters.

The following email came from Ernie Miller, artist extraordinaire and possible future owner of one of my kidneys. Ernie sent me a message regarding the artist action figures in the December 2 post.

Derek,

I am damn happy there are no Ernie Miller action figures out there. Though the idea of you thinking of me is very heart felt and makes me feel a little dirty.

Hope you and the family are doing well. I am making stuff as usual and doing my best to infect every household in the nation with it.

Happy holidays,
Ernie

Letters. We get letters.

My mail bag was full of stuff today, so let's get to it. (And no timmaay, I didn't say my "male bag".)

First off, I got this comment from baument regarding the December 3rd post and the 'best friends' locket for Dawn and Drew.
Quoth the reverend Ed: "If a locket that says 'Best' on one side and 'Friends' on the other is combined wouldn't it be 'Bends'?"

And here's another from Ed regarding the December post:
"Interesting that you didn't get the bottle of Dickens Cider and instead you got a Dickens Cider Can."

And Timmaay sent me some mail about the December 9th post:
"Actually I think I like that Satyr drawing the best of your last few posted. You went to town on that background...you were a stippling fool!

Rules of the Road

KG3's birthday is quickly approaching and she is getting ready to take her Driver's Education. The State of Illinois provides the students with a "Rules of the Road" booklet to use as a study guide, but it's written rather confusing. It's been so long since I've looked over these "rules" that I'd forgotten how crazy this book is. Now I'll be the first to admit that my sentence structure can be totally messed up. I'm not the best writer by any means, but holy cow, deciphering the sentences in this driving book is like trying to put together the Da Vinci code!

I never expected it to be crystal clear though; Anyone who's ever read a government publication knows how confusing these documents are. But it wasn't until I began reading this "Rules of the Road" book did I recall just how confusing it is.

How could I ever forget the beautifully crafted sentences like this one:

A big Dicken's Cider can

I picked up a couple of cans of Dicken's Cider Energy Drink the other day! What a product! The cans are HUGE!!!! Although I think it might be a women's drink when I come to think of it. I guess a woman would get more energy from having a huge Dicken's Cider than I would.

Also take note that it includes 4.8mg of Horny Goat Weed Extract!!! Geez... talk about a thankless job. I assure wouldn't want to the guy who had to extract the weed from a horny goat!

Doctor's orders

I went to the doctor over my lunch hour and he gave me a clean bill of health for the ol’ elbow. I guess it's healed enough that I don't need therapy anymore; which I bet some of you would argue about, but I'm talking about therapy for my elbow.

He told me to be easy with it for a month or so. When I asked him what he meant be easy he said, and I quote:

“No heavy lifting, such as trash cans, Christmas trees, or large/heavy casserole dishes. And definitely don't do anything overly repetitive like loading a dishwasher or vacuuming.”

“So is there anything that I can do?”

“Sure. The thumb and finger motions of a Sony Playstation will help build up your elbow strength over time. It wont be immediate, but after a few hundred hours you'll begin to notice a difference.”

That isn't what he said verbatim, but I think it pretty much sums it up. It's funny how the only time that Wendy didn't come with me, I got so much information from him. I guess I'll just have to buckle down and follow his advice.

A brand new game!

An emailed conversation between Captain Alex and I:

To: Captain Alex
Subject: New game

Restaurant Names that sound like they should be in the adult movie industry! I'll go first:
Western Sizzler
The Red Lobster
Fudruckers
Long John Silver
Jack in the Box

--------------------

To: Derek
Subject: New game

Taco gringo
Texas Roadhouse
Smokey Bones
Boxza
Carlos O kelly’s
Fazolis
Crackerbarrel

--------------------

To: Captain Alex
Subject: New game

You win, you win, sheesh!!!

Spotted in Costa Rica!

Surprise, surprise! Drew (of the beloved Dawn & Drew Show) sent me an email saying that I would “enjoy the photos” from their recent trip to Costa Rica. So I checked out their Flickr account and saw that Drew was wearing the t-shirt I sent them! Way cool!!! Both Drew and Dawn are VW bus enthusiasts I've been trying to get them to come down for the VW show that I work every year. Hopefully they'll be able to make it this year.

That way we can be bestest friends forever. I'll have a locket engraved and give them half! I don’t know if they should get the side that says “Best”, or the one that says “Friends.” Maybe I could split it in 3 sections by adding one that says “Forever.” Yeah, how cool would that be?! I heard that Dawn really likes that sorta; thing! Then they could move to a farmhouse near me and I could help them start a Chinchilla ranch.

Okay, okay – so maybe I'm going over board. But I still hope they can make it down to hang out a bit.