Thursday, December 24, 2009

This weeks WTF award goes to...

One of the many Christmas Treats that were delivered to us at work from this small St. Louis company. The cookies were awesome, but there is something that didn't sit well with me about the company when I was looking at it's brochure. Then I took a closer look at the logo. Clean, wholesome dad eating a cookie, or perverse dad eating some sausage? You be the judge...

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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Déjà Vois!

KG3 and I watched the movie “Avatar” in 3-D last night. I wasn’t expecting too much from it even though everyone who had seen it have been singing it’s praises all week. Let me tell you this, Avatar is amazing! I can honestly say that if they had the movie with all of the characters removed and no sound, I would have still sat through it just to look at the incredible scenery.

Even after sitting in the theater for almost 3 hours, I found myself wishing it hadn’t ended. I would have probably sat there all night if I could have. So I recommend that you go see it!

As we were walking back to the car afterwards, we were talking about the movie….

Me: That was awesome! Better than Brave Heart! Better than Harry Potter! Better than Star Wars! That was probably the best movie I’ve ever seen!

KG3: I know! It was awesome!!!! I liked it even better than the first time that I saw it!

Me: The first time you saw it?!

KG3: Yeah, back when it was called Ferngully.

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Monday, December 21, 2009

An Office Conversation.

The following banter over the movie Avatar took place today.

The Jeff: I went and saw that movie Avatar over the weekend and it was awesome. Even my wife liked it and I practically had to drag her to see it. It’s not her type of movie but she ended up liking it.

Me: I want to see it really bad, but I don’t think I could get Wendy to go.

The Jeff: Make a bet with her!

Me: A bet?

The Jeff: Yeah, bet her that she’ll like it or something.

Me: But nothing too extreme, right? Like "If you don’t like this movie, I’ll let you cut off my thumbs!”

The Jeff: That may be a little extreme….

Me: You’ll know how it went if I come in tomorrow all bandaged up Screaming “DAMN YOU, JEFF! DAAAAAAAAAMN YOU!!!”

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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Rectum? Damn near killed 'um.

Yet another random Office Conversation. This one between me, Aw, and Ash.

Me: Whenever our dog was sick, we had trouble making it go to the bathroom. It didn’t poop for two straight days! Eventually we Googled it and a vet site said to stick the tip of a red matchstick in it's butthole to make it poop.

Ash: That’s gross!

Me: I guess the match irritates it and makes it take a crap.

Aw: Yeah, I think so

Me: I don’t know why it has to be a match stick though. If you stuck anything in my butthole, I’d be irritated!

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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Oh, Tiger.

It seems like the only newsworthy event over the past few weeks is Tiger Wood’s indiscretions. The whole situation has been a personal nightmare for him. He’s not only lost the trust of his family, but also lost the admiration of the public.

His infidelity has cost him financially also, since his sponsors are dropping him left and right.

But if he had any marketing sense at all he could put a spin on this infidelity and turn it into a positive. Sure he’s lost Gatorade and Rolex, but he could pick up some new sponsors as well.

Axe Cologne - Be a Tiger with the ladies
Viagra - Now you too can have Tiger Wood.
Hair coloring for women - Nothing tames a cougar like a Tiger would.

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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The Japanese did what??

I clipped this page from the current Blick catalog. It has to be one of the strangest catalog copy ever....

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Monday, December 14, 2009

WTF Italy???

It's time for Derek's annual "clean up junk files from the desktop" marathon. I found this clipping from Time's Quote of the day from way back in July that I neglected to post. It's so wrong that it has to be intentional....

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Friday, December 11, 2009

I'll be rich!

I have a new million dollar invention, if I could just figure out how to produce them. Two words - inflatable holes.

Just imagine. If you need a hole in your back yard, just blow one of these babies up and viola! Need a bigger hole?? Then just blow it up a little more!

Now if I could only figure out how to make it compatible with the laws of physics...

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Thursday, December 10, 2009

That's just plain ol' nasty, Amazon!

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Monday, December 7, 2009

Elmo is a Perv.

I clipped this ad from the Wa-Mart flyer that came in the mail this afternoon. Am I the only one who finds this a little disturbing? "Tickle Me Elmo" was bad enough, but now they sell Elmo hands designed for tickling?

"Elmo Tickle Hands?!" What the hell?! What's next, "Cousin Donny's Giggle Stick?!"

It's just plain ol' inappropriate!

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Friday, December 4, 2009

Snow Daze.

Today I rationalized to someone how the internet is causing global warning. Remember how we used to get severe winters in Illinois?

I'm talking three feet of snow. Deep enough to get lost in a snow drift! Winters so rough that you were holed up in your home for days upon end. But that doesn't happen anymore, does it? No, it doesn't, and it's all because of the internet!

Proof you say? Well, here's your proof! We haven't had severe winters since the late 90's -- right after the internet began invading America's households.

I rest my case.

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Friday, December 4, 2009

Office Conversation.

The people at work have been piping out the Christmas music for the past couple of days. I'm usually not much for the whole “Christmas Spirit”, but you won’t hear me complaining – I'm just glad to have a job. But hearing the classic song, “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus” song spurred on this office conversation.

Me: “Have you ever really listened to the lyrics to that song? It's pretty awful.”

Coyote: “I know! It's pretty bad.”

Me: “Just think about how that would look to a little kid. He[d think his mom was cheating on his dad with an old fat guy.”

Coyote: “Yeah -- a kid wouldn't understand what was going on. It'd probably mess them up.”

Me: “Sure it would! They'd be all messed up. Imagine growing up thinking that your Mom was a skank!”

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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

A win-win situation!

Wendy and Kaitlyn bought me a PS3 for christmas this year! It's pretty amazing, although I tend to think that it was a year of my incessant whining that won her over, and not the fancy blu-ray player that is built into the system. I was talking about the gift at work to a lady who was planning on buying one for her husband also.

Me: “Really, a PS3 is the perfect gift from a wife to her husband, when you think about it.”

Ahane: Oh really? Why?”

Me: Because if she's close to him, he'll really appreciate it and love her even more. But if she hates his guts, she'll be okay too because he'll play it all of the time and be out of her hair.”

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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Random Thoughts

Every time we lose a great actor like Patrick Swayze or Heath Ledger, I have to look at Nicholas Cage and ask God "Why?"

Drugs, Terror, Digital Piracy, Gangs, Porn - is there anything that the United States isn’t at war with?

The best part about misogyny is the relaxing misog itself.

Statistics point out that Cheerleading is the second most dangerous sport that high school students can be involved with. Only football has more injuries. It surprised me to hear this at first, but then I realized that after they flip around, cheerleaders have to rely on a bunch of girls to catch them.

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