Welcome to my first entry into my weblog. Pretty exciting ain't it? Who am I kidding, nobody will ever read this anyway, right?

I was eating lunch at the park with Sioux and noticed something disturbing about my cheeseburger. Apparently, in an attempt to break into the burgeoning "Goth Market", McDonalds has realeased their new packaging which features the new Vampire Ronald!

Today was the day that NASA had looked forward to for over five years. These guys are the geniuses of the world. Think about it. These are the guys who we entrust billions of dollars to in order to study the outer reaches of our understanding. So why was I so dumbfounded when I heard of their unbelievably stupid methods for recovering the space capsule?


Do you think that they really thought that they stood a chance at success? Can you imagine the looks on their faces when one of them stood up in a meeting and announced the plan to have Hollywood stunt pilots catch the capsule on its 200mph descent to the earth? Somebody was hitting the bong that morning.....


Just think how stupid that sounds. Using stunt helicopters to catch it as it falls. Using that rationale, I now believe that we can win this war in Iraq over this weekend. All we have to do is send in Swartzeneger, Stalone, and Van Dame to kick a little ass! Hell, if push comes to shove, we always have Uma Thurman and Angelina Jolie as backup.

If you don't know already, I am a graphic designer for a major automotive entertainment company. I was working on a technical brochure about a General Motors Test Vehicle today when I came across this truly bizzare spell check screen.

Apparently, although Adobe isn't terribly concerned with the grammar of mechanics, it is quite keen on keeping the misfits of the sexual world .

I noticed this in a office supply catalog today. Do you think that the design is even remotely unintentional? Look at the little spermie-clip swimming down the front of the pen, No wonder its called the pull-action rapture pen.


Note how its all short and stubby too, hopefully dispelling the myth that size is everything.

This ad came from an actual telephone directory in Fallon, Nevada. Maybe I have a dirty mind or something, but do you think that the graphic designer could have chosen a better way to crop the photo in the lower left of the ad?


Thats what happens when you buy your receptionist a copy of Photoshop and have her become the "company designer." If you don't see it in the ad , take a look at the engorged........errrrr......enlarged photo on the right.

Oooohhh..........now we know why this dude is so happy!

Today was the annual Greenwood Fright Fest, our yearly party for my daughter. Since her birthday is so close to Christmas, we don't throw a birthday party for her (aside of a tiny, tiny one with relatives). Instead, we let her have another party during the year and luckilly for me, it has alway been a Halloween Party. We have always went all out for them but this year it was so complex that I had actually began developing the party sometime around last january. The party was awesme this year, it allowed the kids to be immersed into a mystery somewhat like a real life game of "Clue." You can check out the entire story as well as pics from the party by clicking here or by going to my Halloween Pages.

I spend a few minutes each day combing through design magazines to try and keep up on current trends, and "keep my finger on the pulse of American pop-culture." I had always gotten a kick out of this logo. It is a subsidiary company of COREL (whom I laughingly abhore, by the way).


The design team responsible for this must have laughed like crazy when this made it through the corporate suits.


Okay, I know that I'm kind of a sicko......well, I AM a guy and all, but do you think this is as funny as I do?? The logo is laugh out loud funny, but the packaging could be considerered, well......gross.

Tuesday, November 2, 2004

I went and voted first thing this morning. It scares me to death that Kerry might be the future leader of the country. The man is a liar. His campaign has been nothing but attacks on Bush's policies and snide remarks on how he mis-handled the war in Iraq. Hindsight is always 2020, as they say.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't think that Bush is infallible. He has, in my opinion, screwed up on some major issues in his first term. But at least he's a man who will stand behind his decisions, right or wrong, and see them through.

It isn't Kerry's handling of the war that concerns me. I believe that if elected, he will have the fortitude to see our military commitments to the end. Its the crazy-assed promises that he's making about the economy and healthcare that worry me! Look how much of our taxes are already spent paying for the healthcare of the people on welfare, disability, and the people in prison. If everyone bitches about their taxes now, whats going to happen when they have to fund EVERYBODY??? C'mon, does anybody really think that we can afford this and still maintain the quality of care that we get now?

I hope you get out and vote today. I'm not biased, I have friends who believe strongly in both parties. So Republicans, make sure to get out and voice your opinion today. Remember the credo: Vote Early, Vote Often.

And lets not forget the Democrats! I made sure to tell all of my friends who are asses that today is an important day in American history. So if you can find time, get out and vote. If not, don't worry, its only one vote after all, and what difference will one vote make anyway?

Wednesday, November 3, 2004

BUSH WON!!!!!!!!!!

Now I can sleep easy again. One humorous thing that I learned about yesterdays events is that one of my good friends Lisa, who happens to be a lesbian, told me that she made sure that she "went down to the pole because she was sick of bush." True Story! Yeah, sick but funny. Welcome to my world. Hardee-har-har

Monday, November 8, 2004

Self Censorship.

This post was removed on May 5, 2007 so that a man's children won't stumble upon it when they Google his name. Never let it be said that I am not a swell guy. Curoius as to what I'm babbling about? Check the following link: WWMT News.

Or read about when it happened here:
http://www.wwmt.com/engine.pl?station=wwmt&id=12182&template=breakout_local.html

Tuesday, November 9, 2004

We had our parent teacher conferences tonight. The Brat makes me proud. She's doing well this year and has adapted to her new school easilly.

The teachers said that she was bright, polite and non-distractive in class.

So later in the evening we decided to do something that would help her be a little more distracting in class; Sharpie Henna.

The design is of Indian origin and was applied using a fine tipped red Sharpie Marker.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

If you haven't went out and seen The Incredibles yet, you are missing out on one heck of a good movie. Quick, go right now! Get off your rump, put on your shoes, and invest two hours of your life watching this clever animated movie. Its an outstanding show and full of both thrills and laughs for the whole family

The reason I brought this up is because me and my friend Sioux went to McDonalds today and got a toy in a happy meal. Wow, was I surprised to learn that Sioux is a superhero!!!!! Little did I know that I was hanging out with one of the main characters all of these years!! Whoa!!!

Wednesday, December 1, 2004

Karen Carpenter trashed my car!!! Okay, I'll admit it! I had a rare moment of weakness today and allowed my friends to listen to a Karen Carpenter tape in my car during lunch.

Boy did I pay the price! As soon as I opened my console to get the tape, the latch miraculously broke. I'm not sure, but I think it may have been asupernatural sign telling me to set Karen free!

It had to be supernatural! Think about it........ my car is nine years old and the latch has never broken before! I have undoubtably opened and closed it thousands of times without trouble. Yet it broke as soon as Karen Carpenter was introduced to it........

Miraculous!!!!

Thursday, December 2, 2004

Just when you thought that the fine folks at Nike couldn't develop a lighter shoe, me and my daughter set out to prove them wrong.

These homemade styrofoam shoes are so light that they are held on by a simple masking tape strap. So light, yet so comfortable. Ingenious!!!

Friday, December 3, 2004

Did you ever stop and wonder what it would be like to be an otter? Hmmmm....... me niether.

Saturday, December 4, 2004

Earlier this week I drew a picture of my Mom and Dad when they were in high school as an example for the students in my Adobe Illustrator class. I'm fairly happy with it, although I feel that I still need to add some detail to my Mom's hair.

You can click on the vector thumbnail on the left to see a larger version.

Sunday, December 5, 2004

Today I made a miraculous discovery!! Wednesday I went on and on about the amazing supernatural powers of Karen Carpenter, but I have discovered that these mystical forces can be defeated by one of the greatest inventions of the 20th century; Krazyglue®.

While trying to disassemble my broken console lid, I went on a quest to find the missing plastic piece that had been destroyed by the awesome mystical powers of Karen Carpenter! Like a modern day Indiana Jones, I poured over every square inch of my 6" x 9" console cave looking for the elusive polymer treasure. Then to my amazement I saw a dark object hiding from my illuminated flashlight beam....

I had finally discovered the amputated plastic clip that had fallen into the vast nether regions of my console! Incredibly, I found that this once broken piece of plastic resin could be reattached effortlessly with Krazyglue®!

Amazing!!!! I'll keep everyone posted on the results, but it appears that Dr. Derek has successfully reattached the severed automotive interior digit. I predict a full recovery for the Bonneville!

Monday, December 6, 2004

This has been the first day of console latch replacement and the Bonneville is doing fine. Thanks for all of your cards and flowers. The old Pontiac really appreciates it. I'm sure it will be feeling even better after a few more days of recovery.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Whew! I worked a lot of overtime this week and decided to take the day off. I intended on sitting around the house and lounging a bit to calm my nerves but ended up going Christmas shopping instead. Oh boy, that was sure relaxing! Nothing calms the nerves like travelling seventy miles and dodging old people in store isles. We did get most of our shopping finished though.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

What a long day!!!! We drove four hours to Hannibal Missouri to attend my sister-in-law's wedding. It was a nice wedding held in a bed and breakfast in the hometown of Mark Twain.

And while it was a charming little community, there seemed to be something strange about it. (Its amazing how I can live in the middle of nowhere, but still travel to other towns and consider them to be hicks.)

I wanted to take some pictures of the local residents but was afraid that I'd be sodimized. So since I didn't get any actual photos, I tried to recreate the look of a typical Hannibal citizen in the photo to the right.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Today we went to see our newborn cousin Jasmine at St. Anthonys Hospital in Effingham. She's a cute little thing, but she doesn't get around much yet.

The pic to the right shows the little critter next to my not-so- little critter. Its amazing how fast they grow up.

Black Monday.

My friend Lisa got fired from work today. That just goes to show you that no one, no matter who they are or where they work is irreplacable. She'll land back on her feet though and this just may be the aptly needed kick in the arse that was necessary to make her studio a success. Best of luck Lisa!

To the right you will see Lisa and her message to the entire human race.

I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job. I like my job! AWWWWW HELL!

Yo quiero papel higiénico (If you don't speak Spanish then look it up ya' lazy bastiches! I had to!)

Headed for the border for lunch today Yep, the incredibly delicious ritzy resturant known as Taco Bell. I realize that it tastes great and all, but have you ever really looked at what you are stuffing into your mouth? I mean REALLY looked at it??

Sadly, I imagine that it looks exactly the same going in as it does coming out.

Head for the border?? Yeah right, more like head for the shitter.

Its good stuff though.....

Sioux's coat is made of Faux Fur by the way. Isn't it nice? No! No its not. To learn more about the brutal practices of faux trapping and where it comes from click here.

I really think I need one of those Sprint picture phones. That way I'd never be without some sort of digital camera. No smart-ass comment about this one, I just really want one of those phones.

Saturday, December 18, 2004

I just read a report that Japan has recently recorded their biggest temperature increase in recorded history. At 11:29am, on December 10th of this year, the temperature in Tokyo rose 77 degrees farenheit from 38 degrees in just a few minutes. This bizarre shift in the atmosphere surrounding Japan has all kinds of hobbyist weather reporters spouting the typical "doom and gloom" theories like: The next ice age is coming! Or perhaps: "We have depleted the ozone layer and global warming is happening before our very eyes."

Yeah, I agree that 77 degrees is a big shift, especially for one day, but the highest in recorded history? C'mon give me a break, I know for a fact that on August 6th & 9th , 1945 there was a temperature change of at least a few thousand degrees in less than a second in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Call me insensitive if you want. Hey, I'm an American.

The season finale for "The Swan" was on. I think this is about as low as we can get as a society. Okay, lets take a bunch of self-conscious homely women, push them through plastic surgery and all kind of pain to make them look beautiful. Okay, now that we have transformed them into the very thing that women complain about (i.e. sex kittens) lets parade them around and judge them on the very attributes that we complain about when people judge us in real life. How grand! Its a meat market for formerly ugly gals!! Where is the feminist outrage?? Why is this show a hit while our society frowns upon judging people by these qualities in real life?

Christmas is coming up, and there are some very strange things going on in our culture regarding mysterious religious imagry. Remember a few weeks ago when Diana Duyser, 52, of Hollywood, Florida, set a starting price of $3,000 on ebay for a piece of toast with the features of the virgin Mary? Well, I too have a religious icon who mysteriously appeared. For real! No joke.

Last year when we were remodelling our home, I was cleaning a fan brush from liquid gold-leafing paint on a scap piece of cardboard. Later, when I went to throw the cardboard away I was starled to find that the random brush marks had created the likeness of Jesus.

As strange as it seems, I couldn't bring myself to throw the cardboard away, and it has a permanant place in my bookself. Click on the image on the right to get a better view of the cardboard and a closeup showing Jesus' portrait.

Ah, Christmas. The most hectic and stressful day of the year. This Christmas we dragged ourselves all over the place, but luckilly, we got to spread our good cheer over two days. Our schedule was as follows: Christmas Eve: Lunch with the Fosters, Dinner with the Boyds. Christmas Day: Lunch with the Smiths, Dinner with the Greenwoods. All in all, I'd say that the holiday weekend was fairly relaxxing.

I always feel kinda' bad that we can't afford to buy presents for everyone who I think deserves a gift. Aside from family members, here is a list of people who should have a gift from me and what I would like to give them if I had limitless funds.

Sioux Hieser: Hmmmm, Sioux. what would I like to give Sioux? How about a swift kick in the....... No, that wouldn't be right. I guess if I had limitless funds I'd give her whatever she wanted or needed, being that she's my best buddy and all. But maybe I'd still kick her a couple of times too!

George Bush: A brand new set of Ass-Kicking boots. It seems like the tread may be wearing off his current pair. Go Dubya, go!

Michelle Soles: Michelle's gift is easy, a magical emotion detatchment ring (with an on and off switch, of course). Yeah, it may not make sense to most of you, but Michelle will understand what I'm talking about. Right, 'Chelle?

Pauly Shore: A new career as a serious actor. (He's not really my friend, but I feel really, really sorry for the "Weez" anymore.)

Lisa Tebbe: Since she lost her job and all, I guess I'd like to use my powers of persuasion to land her a really cool photography job with a major magazine. But since all of my connections with the real design-world have all fizzled away within the past year and a half, I can't really deliver.

Oh, and Happy birthday Jesus.

My Mom visited today and braved the frigid weather to take my kid for a walk in our winter-wonderland. I let Mom use my "Kenny-coat" (named after the little Kenny character in Southpark). They had a good walk, but were ready for some hot chocoate soon afterward.

Monday, December 27, 2004

I'm going to be making some changes to the weblog and the other personal pages of the site. Hopefully they will make the browsing experience a little easier for my regular readers ---both of them.

The second change has already begun to show itself in these pages. A new starburst icon will be placed next to content that have recently been added to the site. How long will these icons stay up with an item? Well.....until i decide to take them off I guess.

And for those of you who don't feel comfortable with change, please don'y worry. I have no intention whatsoever of beginning to use spell-check on these pages, so rest easy.

My kid decided to try her hand at product design today and came up with a new toy. It surprises me that niether Mattell nor I had thought of this before. I have no claim to this project, it is 100%Brat.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Tonight, me and the Brat built our first snow-bear of the season. I wanted a grizzly, but I think we ended up with a little baby polar bear. For you guys living outside of Illinois, take notice to the purity of the snow in our area. Illinois, land of untainted air and refreshingly clean snow! Yeah, right......

And now for more depressing matters: Okay, I really hate bringing up current events in here because everybody and their dog adds that kind of stuff. But since it was such a tragedy, I guess that I should at least bring up the fact of the tsunami from earlier this week. A bunch of innocent people died, it was horrible.

There, all done. I hope that they all found their way into the heavenly gates.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

What a day! First thing this morning I got cut off by this little gold Toyota Corolla on the way to work! The little sucker flew by me and wasn't even all the way in the passing lane! I really thought he was going to take my mirror off! Ironicly, after nearly causing a wreck passing me, he got stuck behind a string of slow moving cars!! He was driving impatiently behind them with his head tilted all the way to the left, like a chicken with a broken neck, trying to see if he could get around the cars. Once I got up to him, I noticed his license plate was "HEYSUES" and he had the Jesus Fish and a "God is my Co-pilot" bumper sticker.

Apparently his co-pilot isn't paying attention or was on break or something. Probably in Thailand right now. Thats probably keeping God pretty busy at the moment....