Thursday, January 15, 2009

Inappropriate Comic Book Panels

It's been about a year since I've added any featured pages to my site, so I finally went ahead and built one. So here is an entire page of Inappropriate Comic Book panels taken from old comics.

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Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Fixing a cat that wasn't even broken

We got our cat back from the vet today after taking it to be fixed and having his front claws removed. The cat was a shredder, always tearing on stuff - so I thought it would be better to have his front paws declawed. Looking back on it, I don't know if I'd have gone through with it if I'd have known about how miserable it would have made him feel afterwards. But it's too late...... As soon as he got home, he avoided contact with us and went into the bedroom to lay down for hours on end.

Me: (after coming home from job hunting) Where's the cat?

Wendy: He went to lay down in the bedroom.

KG3: Yeah, he's mad at us.

Me: Why would he be mad at us? We didn't do anything.... You weren't mad at us when we took you to get your tonsils removed!

KG3: Dad, that's different. If Mom and I dropped you off at a strangers and had them cut off your balls and rip out your fingernails, wouldn't you be mad?

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Friday, January 9, 2009

My favorite cartoon

I've had this cartoon online and thought it was the funniest thing since feeding a baby peanut butter.....

Don't get it? Look up "Chupacabra" and discover the spanish translation. Love the cartoon? Find tons more like it at Dave Lowe's Paraabnormal site.

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Sunday, January 4, 2009

It's been a while

I know it's been a while since I've posted here, but things have been hectic these past few months.

Let's see... what have i been up to in a nutshell?

We found out that my Grandpa has three different forms of cancer, so we've been spending time getting him to and from the hospital.

I moved my grandmother into an assisted living apartment

I moved my Aunt to Decatur Illinois (a few hours away)

Christmas, KG3's Birthday, New Years.

We've had lung infections, the flu, typical Greenwood moodiness, and oh yeah, that whole "I can't find a job" thing.

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Saturday, January 3, 2009

Why I do what I do.

At one time I had quite a large following with the Halloween internet community, but after finding that someone else was profiting off of my work, I took my free tutorials down. Most of the viewers were supportive of my decision, but every once in a while I'll still get email from pissed of people. Here's one that I got today and my reply:

From: featsofmagic@hotmail.com
Subject: skin face
Date: January 1, 2009 10:37:52 PM CDT
To: contact@madhauscreative.com

So in essence the people who sold your free work win because you refuse to help others haunters who are just starting, great job. Now who’s greedy, them or you.

Subject: Re: skin face
From: contact@madhauscreative.com
Date: January 3, 2009 9:13:13 PM CST
To: featsofmagic@hotmail.com

Dear mean ol' magic guy,

As a matter of fact, I was emailing pdf files of the tutorials to people who requested them. But guess who won't be getting anything from me...... Yep, grouchy people who complain instead of asking politely.

Thanks for the email Evan! I hope to see all of your projects online soon.

Yours in greed,

Derek

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Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Caving in to the whims of our kid

KG3 has been bugging us to get a tattoo since she was like 13. So eventually we caved in to all of the begging (like all parents do after all.) We're not too happy about the size of it, but at least she got something cool looking. At first she was going to get a dragon, but she went ahead and decided to get the rabbit from the movie "Donnie Darko."

What the heck, your only young once, right? Plus, she's 16 now and she's old enough to take responsibility for her choices, I guess. And she can always get it removed later if she wants to get it lasered off, right?

Just kidding, it's only a sharpie marker drawing that her friend Ginger drew. Cool though, huh?!

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Monday, March 30, 2009

Seen and Noted on a Walk

KG3 and I were walking and spotted this photography studio in need of repair.

KG3: Oh, my god! What's an Assport?

Me" "Probably not what you are thinking."

KG3: (laughing) "I hope not."

Me: " At least it doesn't say assport services! But then again, times are tough in this economy. Ol' Norman might have to offer a little assport service if he just can't make ends meet."

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Sunday, March 29, 2009

Sometime it's better not to ask!

Wendy and I were laying in bed today when she noticed that I was in deep thought.

Wendy: "What are you thinking about?"

Me: "Cat darts."

Wendy: "Cat darts?"

Me: "Yeah, they'd be little glass tubes that you suck a cat into up to it's head. Then ninjas shoot them, and when they go inside the victim, the glass breaks and the cat swells up inside of them, but the head is still on the outside."

Wendy: "Don't you ever think about anything normal?"

Me: "Well, a minute ago I was thinking about how a large, blue steel pipe could wrap over our door frame. Is that normal?"

Wendy: "No."

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Saturday, March 28, 2009

The Fraidy Fett!

I was getting a new piece of sandpaper from my shop tonight and was shocked to see the warning that was printed on the back. I fully understood that you should use a facemask for safety, but I had no idea that even Boba Fett is required to wear protection!

Believe me, if friggin' Boba Fett, the baddest mutha' in the galaxy, is wearing an extra facemask, then I'm sure gonna' wear one! Maybe it's not the paper at all. Perhaps ol' Boba is still a little freaked out about sand since he fell into that giant worm's belly in Episode 3. Who knows....

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Friday, March 27, 2009

Stayin' in the Game!

I've been trying to stay on to of my design skills since I'm still looking for a job. So at least once a week I've been creating something for my portfolio. I'm trying to do stuff a little out of the realm of the Corvette realm that I was in while working at Mid America Motorworks. So here are a few pieces from the last month or so that have taken me a little out of my comfort zone.

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Friday, March 27, 2009

This weeks WTF post!

This screen shot from MSNBC news pages has to be one of the strangest headlines I've ever read!

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Thursday, March 26, 2009

I'm Back in Black!

Some of you guys know that I've been spending a little bit of time playing on this new-fangled social networking site called Facebook. I'll have t admit that it's addictive as hell in the beginning! You can post whatever your doing and have instant access to what all of your friends are thinking at that very moment.

But after a month or so of vigilantly checking it multiple times a day, it made me realize something. Most people just aren't as interesting to read about as I'd like them to be. I know that sounds a bit condescending, but it's not really meant to be. What I mean is that instead of witty, fun banter, most people post things like "Jethro is mowing the yard." or "Sally has to take her kid to the dentist today."

Informative, yes. But fun to read?

I've been guilty of it myself though. friends have known when I had gone fishing, taken walks, and even when I was doing dishes! But where is the value in posting stuff like that? It's kind of silly, really. With this blog, I can go back in time and see what I'd been doing and thinking over the years, and when i compare it to my last few months of Facebooks posts, the social networking site comes up pale.

Don't get me wrong, I've used Facebook to contact friends that I haven't seen in almost 20 years, and it's great to keep in touch, but the creativity isn't there!So I'm going to try and make a real concerted effort to update my blog as much as I can.

Truth be told, I kind of miss doing it.

Hopefully I'll be able to add some new features that I liked from Facebook and apply them to my blog, llke an RSS feed, and the ability for people to post comments on my posts. Those are my goals right now, and I'm looking into ways of making that possible. But for right now, I'm going to trudge along oldstyle and continue posting in my blog like I used to. Hopefully I can get enough readers built back up to make it worthwhile.

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Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Sheer Genius!

KG3 was studying authors for her Scholastic Bowl competition.

KG3: "Dad, do you know what Victor Hugo wrote?"

Me: "The Hunchback of Notre Dame."

KG3: She flips through her study materials and then says "You're right."

Me: "Of course I am."

In reality it was a lucky guess. It wasn't until later that I told her how I came about that answer.

Picture if you will my mind clicking and whirring as she asks the question "Do you know what Victor Hugo wrote?"

My brain fires up in a quick burst of random association..........Victor.......click click whirr....Victor Frankenstien.......click click whirr....Hugo.......click click whirr....Igor.......click click whirr....Hunchback.......click click whirr.... "The Hunchback of Notre Dame"

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Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Giants Shouldn't Dance!

A few months ago M@tt sent in a list of quotes from me that he had been writing down last year. I'll admit they sound strange, but also remember that they are taken out of context on here. They wouldn't be as strange if the actual conversations were included...... We all have conversations where there would quotes would apply, right?

8/15/08 - "Hey Alex, you ever stuck a magnet up a cows ass?"

8/20/08 - "You’ve been corn-dogged!"

9/03/08 - "This dude rocks the flute!"

9/03/08 - "Jumbo tacos, why is that funny?"

9/16/08 - "Did you just call me punjob?"

10/06/08 - "I wish you were pretty to Paul!"

10/07/08 - "Why would they make a little Chinese robot girl when you can get a real one for free?"

10/08/08 - "When your 80 years old and you look at someone under 40 you’re a pedophile!"

10/090/08 - "His girlfriend left him, now he’s going into jerk mode!"

10/13/08 - "If someone ever needed a picture of face of a beat-up hooker then they could use Amy Winehouse’s face because they wouldn’t have to do anything to it."

10/17/08 - "Catholic girls don’t have periods."

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Thursday, April 23, 2009

Yeah, I said it!

Just in case you are one of the people who've been hiding under a rock for the past few years, Twitter is the "newest" social media sensation on the net. I use the term "new" lightly though since it has been around for almost 3 years and has been growing in popularity over the past few months. Now it seems like everyone with a 3G phone is Twooting Twitting Twatting Twittering.

The problem is, that for every interesting person posting, there are half a gazillion idiots also posting. So the entertaining-to-stupid ratio is astounding. Let's face it. Most of the people we know don't have enough original thoughts in their brain to begin with, let alone the ability to broadcast their thoughts to the world.

It's the same with blogging. For a while it seemed like everyone had a blog! It was fun to surf sites like blogger.com and blogspot.com until you realized that 95% of the material was the same stuff being regurgitated from blog to blog. Very few bloggers were putting out original content, and of that, even little was worth the time it took to read. That being said, I hope that you feel my stupid little site is worth your time.

So back to Twitter..... If I had personal connections on Twitter who were either insightful or funny, then I'd be all over this new social media. But I don't want to hear about people not finding a parking place, or waiting in line at the DMV. And there are interesting people out there! If Reverend Ed ever started twittering half of the crazy stuff he thought throughout the day, it be amazing. The twisted musings of JPoe or Captain Alex would also probably have me addicted to Twitter like a crack whore needing a fix. But since that'll probably never happen, I'm hoping this whole Twitter thing goes the way of Second-Life and dies.

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Wednesday, April 22, 2009 Typewritten Wendy ad KG3 bought me a cool desk for the iMac for my birthday. It isn't your traditional computer desk, it's actually a small desk that holds a concealed old-fashioned typewriter. The lady at the antique store seemed a little disturbed when I told her that I was going to disassemble it and use it for a computer. But it was too late, she'd already taken our money. And amazingly enough, the old typewriter still worked when we put paper in it. KG3 immediately took over of course, since she'd never seen one of these old' fangled machines before. So did she type something nice? Of course not. It's kind of ironic that she's wanting to go into journalism, yet her first words were slanderous and full of libel! Her first sentences with the rustic old machine is shown below.

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Thursday, April 16, 2009

Just a walrus I drew over lunch

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Thursday, April 16, 2009

Grass Clippings

I hate to admit it, but it’s mowing season again. Few things are seen as a blessing and a burden at the same time, but a yard of tall green grass is one of them. The full lawn is a sign that Spring is finally here, but also ushers in the time of endless lawn maintenance.

I wish that grass could be trained like animals. Cattle and dogs can be trained by electric fences. If they touch it, they get zapped. So they learn not to touch the fence. One would think that eventually evolution would kick in and they would instinctually know to avoid the fence.

Even plants evolve. That’s why cactus live in low water environments and cyprus trees live in marshy lands. They’ve evolved over the millennia to suit their environmental extremes. So perhaps one day grass will follow suit. After learning that it will be cut in half when it reaches 2 inches of height, perhaps it will “learn” to stop growing beyond that. Maybe our great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandchildren will never have to worry about mowing the lawn.

Until then, I’ll just have to keep the ol’ iPod cranked up as I mow.

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Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Reintegration

After several months of job searching, I finally re-entered the workforce. So like a busy little ant, I've been ironing the shirts, shining the shoes and digging out the old tie-tac.

So far, I think the biggest adjustment has been conditioning myself to go to bed at a decent hour again. I've always been a night-owl, but now I'm having to force myself to go to bed around 11. But falling asleep is difficult for me unless I'm really tired. Sometimes my mind races so fast that I have trouble falling asleep at all.

I typically combat the fleeting thoughts by listening to podcasts at night while I fall asleep. The shows keep my mind focused on something until the sandman knocks me out.

It sounds strange, but if I just let my mind wander at night, it could be hours before I drift off to dreamland. By the time all of the wacky ideas stop flowing, it can be around 3am. And I have gotten accustomed to that. but no more......

Asleep at 12...... awake at 5:30. The challenge awaits.

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Monday, April 13, 2009

VROOOOooooooom!

It's been a long time coming, but KG3 finally got some wheels of her own. She's now a proud owned of a Chevy HHR!

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Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Bad headline wraps...

I'm thinking that MSNBC needs to pay a little more attention to how their headlines read. It's not difficult to do, all they have to do is change the order to avoid weird little phrases like the ones I found below in today's headlines.

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Monday, April 6, 2009

As it occurs to me...

We just heard that our property taxes are going up again. But it makes me wonder why we should have to pay it anyway. It's not like we even own the property yet anyway, the bank does. Shouldn't that mean that the bank should pay the property tax?

Who's with me?!!! Rise up against the tyrants! Tonight we dine in hell!!! Say it with me....THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!

Oh, nevermind.

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Thursday, April 2, 2009

Ever get the feeling that you're being watched?

Yeah, me too!

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Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Creepy Crawlies

Some of you will be disgusted by this post, but I don't really understand why. It's no secret that I like to fish. I've done it all of my life, and I consider it to be the most relaxing (and sometimes exciting) of all of my hobbies. But along with the hobby comes a few things that bother Wendy. One of which, is probably the laundry and the smell it leaves behind. But that's not what I am going to write about. I'm writing about a practice that I never realized would be an issue with anyone, that is - until I was married.

What I'm referring to is the practice of putting night crawlers in he refrigerator overnight. She's kind of learned to live with it, but it really grosses her out.

But is it really gross? I guess I don't see the sickness of it that many people do. I mean, you put chicken in the fridge, right? And when you think about it, the chicken is already dead for crying out loud. That means that the chicken is actually decomposing, second by second, right there in your very fridge. But not the night crawlers! No, the cold merely slows them down, keeping them alive for another day. No decomposition. No rotting. No problem!

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Thursday, May 27, 2009

Memory Games

If there is one thing that I learned in the Marine Corps, it's that Acronyms are the way to go when you need to memorize information quickly. That's why it's always been easy for me to help my daughter in her studies. Take today for instance; KG3 was prepping for finals and needed an easy way to remember the four steps to building a budget for her consumerism class.

That's when I came up with "Stupid People Molest Ewoks!"

1) S (stupid) - Set Your Goals. ("I want to molest this Ewok.")

2) P (people) - Plan (Just how will I molest this Ewok?)

3 M (molest) - Maintain (How can I keep molesting this Ewok without him telling the Ewok Chief?)

4) E (Ewoks) - Evaluate (Just how well did I molest this Ewok?)

Yeah, it's twisted. But I bet she remembers it for the test!

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Saturday, May 23, 2009

Betty Lou.

Her's the two latest colored artworks for the newest in the Betty Lou series.

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Friday, May 22, 2009

A word of warning.

Slow moving vehicles suck. This morning I lost nearly 15 minutes behind an old, white Lincoln that did nothing more than hog the road with varying speeds between 45 and 50 miles per hour. The white haired driver seemed content with the long string of cars filing behind it like elephants at the circus. You’d think it would be easy to pass him, but the driver’s indiscriminate veering into the other lane kept all of his followers in line.

And then there were the needless slowdowns, where the car would gently decelerate to 45mph for no reason, only to slowly creep back up to 50mph seconds later. It was during one of these slow downs that I noticed a few things about the vehicle. Not only was Jesus his co-pilot, but he also supported breast cancer and had apparently been a George Bush proponent back in the day. I say “back in the day” because that sticker was half torn off – leaving me to ponder if he had changed his mind and to take the sticker off with his own geriatric fingers, or if the harsh Illinois winters eventually peeled the sticker off on it’s own.

But of all the things to notice on this car, the one that really stood out and (at least in my mind) explained it all, was his license plate proclaiming that this white haired old man was in fact a Master Mason.

That’s right! Not a Shriner, nor a typical Mason! This geezer was a Master!!! I guess that’s what kept me from blowing past the old codger for all of those miles. Just what the heck justifies being a MASTER Mason anyway? I sure don’t know. Scenes of a secret meetings with guys in robes ran through my head. Much like in the Star Wars saga, were these “Master Masons” like the old Jedi Coucil sitting around making plans to save the universe? If this guy was anything like the old Master Jedi, then I don’t want to piss him off by passing his car! I saw what Yoda could do when he was like 300 years old, and this guy was only in his 70’s. So I sure as hell didn’t want to get into some sort of Master Mason light saber duel!

But then I realized how ridiculous that was! (And if you recall, I did put the smack down on Yoda a few years back!) But what if this old Master Mason was in tight with the Illuminati or some other secret society that the Masons are affiliated with? If I suddenly just passed this guy, would I then become a target for this old man’s revenge? Would I then have to face the wrath of hordes of religious zealots whose secret mission would be to “make me disappear”?

I didn’t want any of that either! I’ve seen the Da Vinci Code, Eyes Wide Shut, and the Tomb Raider movies and learned how Secret Societies can put the hurt on you! So I just quietly rode behind him until I had a clear opportunity to pass.

But I wanted to put this information out there as proof that this happened, just in case something strange were to happen. That way all of the readers can go to the police if something were to suddenly hap

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Thursday, May 21, 2009

The Mickey Tree.

Over the past few days, I’ve noticed this peculiar tree that “waves good-bye” to me as I’m leaving work each day. It so resembles a four fingered, gloved Mickey Mouse hand that I just assumed everyone else at work noticed it too. I mean, c’mon, it’s a giant cartoon hand that’s staring you right in the face, right?

So I brought it up in morning conversation and everyone stared at me like I was smoking crack. So at lunch I snapped this photo of the waving Mickey tree. I defy any of you to deny it’s existence now!!!!

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Thursday, May 21, 2009

Overheard at the Office.

Words of wisdom from The Larry: “Sure, the early bird may get the worm, but the late bird gets to bang the waitress at Denny’s.”

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Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Two Birds, One Stone.

Just a thought. Since there are so many unwanted puppies at dog shelters, and so many homeless people in the USA, why not kill two birds with one stone? I say that we issue each homeless person his or her own puppy. The puppies will be happy, provide the homeless people with love, protectiom, and much needed companionship. Then when times are especially bad, the homeless can have a good, hearty meal. And we won’t even have to spend the money on putting the dogs to sleep, nor a meal for the homeless!

I think Obama needs to weigh in on this one……

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Monday, May 18, 2009

Random Thoughts.

Here are just a few random thoughts that ran through my head today.

1) Behind every successful man is a woman nagging him to wok harder to pay for their boat.

2) And when I asked about their only being one set of foot prints in the sand, he said to me “yeah, that’s because I went out to get a mocha latte.”

3) After Godzilla attacked Tokyo for the 20th time, wouldn’t you think they’d stop making houses out of super-flammable rice paper?

4) Why do they call it “passing” a kidney stone? The word “passing” doesn’t really describe it. You “pass” a test, or even a vehicle. They should call it something like “Giving wiener-birth to a rock baby.”

5) Whoever said that the pen is mightier than the sword, has probably never been in a sword fight.

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Friday, May 15, 2009

Another strange headline combination gleaned from msnbc.com!

I don’t check the msnbc news page very often, but every time I do, I seem to find these freakishly funny news headline combinations. Are these apparent to everyone, or do I just have a twisted mind? Or both?

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Thursday, May 14, 2009

Lightning, Lightning, Go Away!

There are several little things in life to enjoy. Nuzzling soft kittens, holding little babies, sipping hot chocolate on a crisp winter morning, hugs from grandparents, and silently passing gas as you leave a crowded aisle at Wal-mart. But over the past two days, I am reminded of another of life's little joys – walking in a slow, steady rain on a warm summer day.

I haven't been able to do it yet, but I'm sure that KG3 and I will soon take a rainy-day walk through the town. If only the lightning would stop for an hour or two and allow this, one of life's little pleasures, to come to fruition.

Side Note: If you'd like to read some more of Life's little pleasures, click here. And feel free to submit your own that I will post on the page.

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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Inky Fingers

It's been a while since I've put my ink pen to paper, so over my past few lunch hours I have been working on a new drawing in the “Betty Lou” series. The series revolves around Betty Lou, a tattooed, retro looking “Betty Page” style girl and her boyfriend Duke (aptly named by Jason of the Nobodies Show – thanks Jason). The concept behind the series is simple – Duke is meeting Betty Lou at her job at the Steel Mill, and driving her home. Pretty boring concept, huh? But did I mention that he's doing it at the onset of a zombie apocalypse?

So this drawing shows Betty Lou's first encounter with a zombie while she is busy riveting girders at work. This is just the inked version, complete with mistakes, which I'll fix later with some good ol' fashioned white-out. I'll also post a larger colored version once I get it finished.

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Monday, May 11, 2009

Word to your mother.

1) Good Moms know that action figures are nothing more that small dolls, but don’t let it on when their sons are constantly expanding their Star Wars collection.

2) Moms don’t understand the fascination of light saber duels, super hero capes, dinosaurs, or tommy-guns, but still let their sons indulge in the fantasy.

3) Even though it disgusts them, Good Moms let their sons bring in all manner of bugs, tadploes, and all other creepy-crawlies in the house and store them in jars.

4) Good Moms are well aware of the risk of eye loss, but look the other way when it comes to boys and their bb guns.

5) Good Moms realize the importance of video games.

6) Good Moms don’t really understand the need for having a clubhouse, but allow their sons to build them anyway.

7) Good Moms really knew what is going on when their teenage sons spent waaaaaaay too much time in the shower, but have the decency never to bring it up.

8) Good moms willingly drop money on things like comic books, posters of Farrah Faucet, and toy robots even though they don’t understand the appeal.

9) Good Moms live through years of their sons espouting catch phrases from their favorite TV shows like “I love it when a plan comes together!” and “Get those Duke boys!”

10) Good moms still love their sons even after they do things like spray paint the neighbor’s animals, set the backyard on fire, break their collectibles, shoot arrows through the neighbors cars, etc.

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Friday, May 8, 2009

I Got Game!

I eat lunch at a community park everyday. While there, I constantly see people throwing frisbees across the yard and it took me a while to figure out just what was actually going on, It’s called Frisbee-Golf. A game where players take turns throwing frisbees in an attempt to land them inside a structure of steel poles and chains. To be honest, it looks really fun, but just like other sports, it requires an investment in gear to play it well. You can't play it with standard frisbees you see, but you need to purchase special ones to play it properly. There are several special frisbees of different weights which lets you throw further, etc, much like the specialized clubs in golf.

So if this “combination game of Frisbee and golf” is so popular, why shouldn't I be able to make up my own game that mixes the fun of Frisbee and the technical ability of golf?

Well, after minutes of pondering this, I did come up with one. I call it “Golf-Frisbee!” My game is also fun to play, combines the two games, but unlike Frisbee-Golf, Golf-Frisbee doesn't require specialized gear.

My game can be played with any standard golf ball! That's it! Will little investment, you and your friends can be playing Golf-Frisbee in no time flat!

Rules of Play: Unlike Frisbee-Golf, which emulates the game of golf with frisbees, my game emulates the game of Frisbee - but with golf balls.

One player stands 30-50 feet away from the other and they take turns throwing a golf ball back and forth. See? The rules are quite simple. (Warning: playing golf-Frisbee with your dog may incur serious damage to the dog's teeth - so this method of play should be reserved for advanced players only.)

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Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Today's Lunchtime doodle.

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Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Today's Lunchtime doodle.

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Sunday, May 3, 2009

Tiny Bubbles Lie.

A few weeks ago, I made the mistake of adjusting the headlights on our Cadillac. For years, it seemed like the headlights weren't aimed correctly.They worked, but I always had the feeling that they weren't quite as bright as they should have been. So when we were installing the new radiator at my father-in-law’s shop, I figured it was the perfect time to adjust the lights too. It seemed like an easy procedure, the car even has leveling bubbles to make the task easier. Or so I thought. After leveling the bubbles, I was content to drive home, content in the knowledge that I would be a night-driving SOB from then on.

Then darkness fell, and I realized that my right headlight was illuminating the trees, perfect for hunting raccoons, not so perfect for driving. But that was understandable, after all, my air-ride system hadn't been working properly for a while. So if the air ride had the car off balance, then the leveling bubbles would be off. Situation explained, right? Not quite, because my left headlight was somehow shining about four feet in front of the center of the car, brilliantly illuminating the hood ornament.

Since then I have adjusted my lights three times. Eventually I'll find that sweet spot that allows me to see perfectly at night. The lights will illuminate things perfectly, causing bugs to glow like workers at Chernobyl, deer to glisten like a glazed doughnut in the sun, and the painted lines to blaze like glowsticks. Yes, all will be perfect and bright, blazing in my vision like the world of Tron. And I will be happy.

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Saturday, May 2, 2009

Prom, Prom, Prom, Prom......

KG3 had her first Prom tonight, and now I realize what 50 million other parents felt like before. Wendy and I stayed awake until she came home around 3am. Nervous and anxious for her safe return.

Here are some pics from her first prom.

The Dress and the hair-do.

A couple of shots showing the formal dress and the casual shoes that she wore to prom. And here she is striking the classic 1950's "They're coming for you, Barbara." pose.

A close-up of the curls and eye make-up.

KG3, her prom date, and the rest of her crew.

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Friday, May 1, 2009

Five voices.

I'm not sure if there is any significance about this, but I've noticed that I have multiple speaking voices. Not like multiple personalities or anything, just voices that change depending on the situation. I don't know if this is common among other people, but I know that they exist in my life. I don't notice them very often, and it usually takes the "Marine" voice to burst out before I consciously realize that my voice changed. All I know is that I have at least four very distinct voices, all of which differ in octave, that are used in differing situations. The following is a list of the voices and when I have discovered that I subconsciously use them:

Derek – This is my normal voice, the one you'll hear me using throughout the day. It's the most common and is the manner in which I naturally talk.

The Marine – This voice comes out unbeknownst to me whenever I am trying to talk business, or need to enforce a point. It is louder and much deeper than my natural voice. This is the voice that always takes me by surprise. It just comes out involuntarily whenever I need to get something accomplished or if I am expecting some sort of verbal or physical confrontation. For those of you who know me, The Marine is often accompanied by hand gestures such as smacking one fist into the palm of my other hand.

The Babbler – This is the common "goo-goo-ga-ga" voice that is used when I talk to babies and small children. You know how it sounds. Heck, you’ve probably used it. It's the ridiculous voice that comes out automatically and reverts me into a blithering idiot. It sounds stupid and I know it.

The Mammas Boy – This is the most embarrassing of the bunch. I never really noticed this voice until a few months ago when I was having a conversation with my mom over the phone. The Mamma's Boy Voice is a lot like my natural voice but a little bit softer. It's a gentler voice reserved strictly for phone conversations with my mother. I don't know how this one developed, but it’s definitely it’s own distinct voice.

The DI Marine – This is the not so nice version of The Marine voice, and is reserved strictly for the worst possible scenarios. This voice only comes out whenever I am extremely agitated. It is loud, forceful and has been known to make people cry. Once the DI has been released, there's usually no stopping it until someone cries, leaves, or gives in to my argument. This voice is not fun to deal with – ever!

So there they are! For those of you who know me, have you ever experienced these voices? Does anyone else to this???

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Friday, July 31, 2009

Submitted Wrongness

Captain Alex sent in this photo that one of his friends took in Decatur Illinois.

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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Ted's dead, I said.

Just heard the news that Ted Kennedy died. I guess God's collection of Kennedys is complete. Who'd of thought he'd have all of them before he got the full set of The Beatles?!

In a way, we're really kind of lucky that he died. Can you imagine what kind of legislation might slip through the cracks if someone with brain damage was writing the Bills?! It could be disastrous! Government would still fight against the Bill for strengthening our borders, but suddenly it would be legal for penguins to carry concealed firearms.

And speaking of that, here are 3 bills that might have been passed into law if that tumor had made him crazy as a sh*t-house rat:

1) The success of the "Cash for Clunkers" program would have extended beyond it’s original meaning. In order to ramp up the economy even further, it would have become legal for elderly men to trade in their wives for hot, young college students. In a weird correlation with the auto industry, most of the college students would also be from Japan. Yes, Mr. Kennedy's “Young Fannies for Grannies” program would end in disaster.

2) Jimmy Fallon, host of NBC's "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" would leave his show after a bill appointed him to the new position of “Supreme Chancellor of Egg-Noggery”. No one would notice.

3) In an attempt to re-establish English as America's primary language,Kennedy would have introduced a bill declaring that “Spanish” be referred to as “Sunny-Climate English.”

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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Daily WTF?

I found this weird headline on MSNBC.com this morning and it hit me as really strange. How funny do you think they were before the gang rape?

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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

An Office Conversation

A coworker (Let’s call her Hawking Girl – since she has some rather serious space issues) commented about visiting my hometown over the weekend and seeing my car, but not me. I had loaned it to my mother who had came down from Indianapolis. She has an SUV and my grandmother can’t get in or out of it very well, hence the loaner car.

Hawking Girl: “I saw your car over the weekend, but I don’t think it was you driving.”

Me: “Nah, probably wasn't’t me. My mom had the car all weekend.”

Hawking Girl: “Yeah, it looked like someone short was driving, but I couldn’t tell.”

Me: “You wouldn’t recognize me if it was anyway.”

Hawking Girl: “Why?”

Me: “I just dress like this at work. I never wear a tie otherwise. In fact, when I’m off, I’m 6’4”, all tattooed, and have hair to the middle of my shoulders.”

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Monday, August 17, 2009 The Danny Glover Award I think I won the Danny Glover “I’m getting too old for this sh*t” award last night at the family cookout. It never fails that my 17 year old brother needs to test his mettle against me every time we get together, and last night was no exception. He knows that he’s taller than me. He knows that he’s stronger than me. He knows that he can out-wrestle me. But he forgot how old men like me fight dirty. So after chasing him down, tackling him (which he insists was actually him deciding to “take it to the ground”), he tried to wrestle me into some sort of fancy UFC leg lock. So if he was getting fancy with his MMA moves, I decided to go for something a little simpler. A fighting move that doesn’t really have a name, but if it did, it’d be something like “the three fingered de-crotchitizer!” He submitted after only two fingers... It wasn't until later that I realized that he may have given up, but I'm the one who'd be hurting for the next few weeks! I got this nasty grass burn from the take down. And as I tried to sleep last night, every little touch of the sheets set my leg on fire, and I realized that I really am getting too old for this sh@t.

Here are a couple of less gross photos from the cook-out.

He's me, KG3, and the whole fam damily. (L-R Kaleb, Me, Grandpa Ranard, My Dad, KG3, Kole, Grandma Betty, and Cody.

A shot of Cody and his girlfriend Jessie, who drove all the way from South Carolina to visit.

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Monday, August 3, 2009

At Rest

The last few months have been tough for our family. We've been unemployed (again) and trying to nurture my Grandfather back to health. But things are looking up now.

Last week I started a new job as a graphic designer at an awesome local company, and am looking forward to getting back on my feet, financially. Unfortunately, my grandpa passed away last Thursday, but we know he's in a better place and is no longer suffering from cancer.

It had been a harrowing past few weeks, with hours upon hours of sitting with him at the hospital bed, watching him suffer as the cancer slowly ate away at him. It's sad. He was a tough old man who fought three different cancers at once, and although he was constantly suffering, he managed to break a smile at us every once in a while.

I'd never seen cancer up close like that before, and it is truly horrible. grandpa was the strongest man I've ever met. A grizzled, weather-hardened farmer who never took the easy way out of anything. And when he truly began to become frail, it hit my psyche like a sledgehammer!

This was the toughest man alive in my opinion, and there I was trying to help him use the bathroom, and later simply holding his hand because I knew that he could no longer speak. And even though Wendy and i were physically and mentally drained from watching over him through the days and nights, his pain brought the family together - and I don't regret one second of the time I got to spend with him.

He taught me a lot about being a man, and I hope I can live up to his expectations.

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Saturday, August 1, 2009

Things one shouldn't ponder

Doctors say that cancer isn't contagious, but could you get it if you actually chewed up and ate someone else's tumor?

Do you think that when it gets a little dull in the Brad and Angelina's bedroom that they role play? Like "Tonight I'll be Tyler Durden, and you be Lara Croft!"

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Sunday, September 27, 2009

The weekly WTF?!

Earlier this year we took a family trip to the St. Louis Zoo. It's a top-notch zoo that is still somehow free to attend, but after years and years of visits, it has began to be a little bit less interesting with each visit. So on this trip, KG3 and I spent less time looking at the animals and more time noticing strange things in the scenery.

Case in point - the merry-go-round. I'd always noticed the scenes of children interacting with animals that decorate the wheel. But it wasn't until this trip that I took note of this obviously disturbed Korean child slowly squeezing the life out of a defenseless Guinea pig. WTF? She looks like a serial killer in training in this painting!

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Thursday, September 24, 2009

Daily Observations and Ponderings.

1) I bet if modern-day ninja clans stocked up on supplies, they’d all carry iPod earbuds as grappling hooks. Those damn things snag onto everything.

2) The ironic thing about Photoshop is that if you do a good job, nobody ever knows.

3) What happens when a ghost dies?

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Wednesday, September 23, 2009 Another reason why I was scarred as a child. Is there any logical reason why a mother would let her son buy a comic called "Giant Sized Man-Thing?" I sure as hell can't think of one. Think this is funny? Then check out more scarring comic books from the past at my Inappropriate Comic Pages 2. Or visit the original Inappropriate Comic Pages here.

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Tuesday, September 22, 2009 The Secret is Out. On discussing the book "The Secret" with some co-workers. One of the other designers was explaining how the book preaches how you can control your destiny. The following is a brief dialogue that ended the conversation. Another Designer: "Positive thoughts bring positive occurances, and negative thought bring negative things. It goes for everything in life. If you think about something enough, you'll cause it to happen. Me: "But it doesn't work for everything, right?" Another Designer: "The authors of the book say it does." Me: "I dunno..... when I was in third grade I thought about dinosaurs all of the time and I never got one.

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Friday, September 18, 2009

Freefalling.

As the department was leaving for lunch, the group noticed a small, yellow finch laying face down on the steps. It was obviously injured, suffering the brunt blow of flying into the window at full speed. I remember this happening all of the time when I worked in this building before.

There must be something about the combination of glass buildings and the stupidity of birds that causes them to ram into the glass at full speed. And our building in particular seems to drop them like a hot bug zapper on a damp July night.

But this little bird was still alive and flipping, and obviously in pain. We all felt sorry for the lil’ feller, but what could we do at this point?

Lainie was obviously disturbed by this, and found a stick. She was worried that someone would step on him and wanted the little bird moved. So I took the stick and tried scooting him to the side of the steps, but he fell off the side to his death instead.

It was awful, and we felt bad. Instead of helping this small creature, I had unintentionally sent it to it’s doom. I just hope Lainie never sees anyone stranded on wheelchair ramp, and hands me a stick.

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Friday, September 18, 2009

Not so deep thoughts.

The coolest thing about wearing heavily starched shirts is when you move your arms really quickly and it sounds kinda' like Batman’s cape.

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Thursday, September 17, 2009

1,000 watts of ear molesting sound.

I can’t begin how to explain how frustrating it is when technology doesn’t work like it’s supposed to. This was the case with our home entertainment system. I guess we wore it out over the past two years, and although it was a cheap system to begin with, I imagine dvd players simply wear out after a few hundred showings of “10 Things I Hate About You.”

Like I said, our old system was cheap, I think the player and speakers hovered around the $45 range, but they served their purpose I suppose. The speakers were horrible, and eventually I hooked up new ones from an old boom-box. Yeah it was ghetto, but that’s how we roll in the Greenwood household.

So when we finally broke down and spent the money (Wendy’s Christmas Gift from last year), we went for the player with a decent sound system. We didn’t go crazy and drop $500 or anything, we just got a middle of the road system, but one that fit the upper tier of affordability in our budget.

After throwing the old system away, I noticed that the sticker on the reciever said that it had a 45 watt output. Yes, 45 watts! I could pass gas louder than that! Don't make me prove it.

But the new system is an astounding 1,000 watts of clear heart pumping goodness. So loud and clear that I haven’t even tested it’s upper limits for fear that it will shake all the hair off our cat! So now when John McClain blows up a dumptruck, Jason Bourne snipes a villain, or Wolverine rips open a helicoper, I’ll feel it in my teeth.

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Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Do I even need to comment on this???

Yeah, I ate the Big Jimmy for breakfast. Wanna' make something of it?!

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Saturday, September 12, 2009 Puppeteer. I've never built a puppet before, but I've wanted a puppet version of my man-easting venus flytraps for quite some time. So when I stumbled across these crocodile caps at the Dollar Tree, a little light went off in the Mad Scientist section of my noggin. I'll keep posting through the stages of development. And below are a few photos of my homemade static prop Venus Flytraps I built earlier this year.

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Thursday, September 10, 2009

The most erotic fortune cookie in existence.

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Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Facebooked again, starring Richard Dawson.

Another little example of a twisted mind colliding with a questionaire from The Facebook, this time in the style of Family Feud...

Name something you use in the shower?
Balance

Name a product for a man?
Scroll Saw

Name something people hate to find on their windshield?
Blood from a Pedestrian

Name something a man might buy before a date?
Probably prunes, but if they are out of stock I guess I'd go for dates as my second choice.

What is another word for blemish?
Dermascab

Something you cook in the microwave?
Food

Name a piece of furniture people need help moving?
I'd think I'd need help moving any furniture. But I imagine passing a coffee table would hurt the worst, with it's square edges and all.

Name a reason a younger man might like an older woman?
Her Cookies

Name something a dog does that embarrasses its owner?
Tell Lies

Name a kind of test you cannot study for?
A Conjunctivitus Test

Name something a boy scout gets a badge for?
His shirt, right?

Name a phrase with the word home in it?
Home(y) Don't Play That

Name something a teacher can do to ruin a student's day?
Poke him in the eyes with chalk.

What is a way you can tell someone has been crying?
If you have been yelling at them.

Name a bird that you wouldn't want to eat?
I'll name it Polly.

Name something that gets smaller the more you use it?
An alpaca (Taking the wool off it, you wierdo)

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Monday, September 7, 2009

Facebooked.

When I first got my account on The Facebook, I spent a lot of time filling out the questionaires that are circulated around. You know the type, they're the "let find out about you through a series of meaningless questions. But what happens when noral questionaires encounted the twisted mind of a Greenwood? Read on to find out...

1. Worst feeling in the world?
I think I'd have to go with pain on that one.

2. How many rings before you answer the phone?
I dunno, however many it takes for the answering machine picks up.

3. Future child's name?
Depends on how far in the future. If it's 3510ad, lets go with Merimlblscridon.

4. Favourite colour?
The only "colour" that I know of is grey.

5. Sleep with a stuffed animal?
Uh, no thanks. But I bet there's a website out there for people who do, if that's your thing.

6. Who is the person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to?
Geez, I should say Jesus, Nicoli Tesla, or Abraham Lincoln, but I'm gonna go with Jim Henson -the Muppet Show guy.

7. Favorite alcoholic drink?
Salty dog! Half vodka, half grapefruit, and a rim of salty goodness.

8. Glass half empty or half full?
Okay, this conundrum has angered me for years. There is a difference! If the glass was full and you pour half of it out, then it is now half empty. If the glass was empty and you fill it half way, then the glass is now half full! Why can't you people seem to grasp this?! Sheesh!

9. Do you type with your fingers on the right keys?
Yes I do. If I didn't, my answers would look like this: twd o fr, og o fof;my. Nu smdertd epikf kppl kol yjod.

10. What's under your bed?
Creepy little monsters that smell like frito corn chips. (get it Chuck, get it?!)

11. If you could build a house anywhere where would it be?
Definitely not inside another person. Nor underwater. I'd have to say somewhere on the ground would be best.

12 Technology or art?
Ooooooooh a tough one. I love art, but I'd have to say technology. If there weren't technology, we'd be living in caves. And cave art isn't really that exciting to me.

13. Favourite physical feature of the opposite sex?
I'd have to go with the face. A gal could have a smokin' hot body, but if her face had been eaten off by a chimpanzee, she wouldn't be the least attractive to me.

14. What's your favourite place to be massaged?
At home.

15. What's most important, strong in mind or strong in body?
The mind. Think about it: what's the last thing a strong person built to better mankind?

16. If you were stuck on a desert island, what one person would you choose to be with?
I'd want to be all alone. Why in the heck would I want to force someone else to be stuck on a deserted island? I'm not that mean.

17. Is there anything expired in your refrigerator?
Expired as in dead? I certainly hope not!

18. What were you doing the last time someone video taped you?
It was either during the massive Croatian Valkyrie Mud Wrestling Tournament in 1996, or at my Grandparents 60th Anniversary party earlier this year. I'd say the latter.

19. Do you usually get a "to go" box at restaurants?
Nah, if we need one, I usually make the waitress go and get it for me.

20. Do you or did you ever hang posters on your bedroom walls?
Did I or did I? What the hell kind of question is that? I guess so.

21. If so, who or what was on them?
Motley Crue or some other over rated hairband that was around them. No Queensryche though --- a guy had to draw the line somewhere.

22. Describe your shower curtain:
Both of our showers have sliding glass doors. Yeah - we're like city folk now.

23. Do you always try to play matchmaker with your single friends?
Sometimes I'd like to. Not that I'd expect it to work out or anything. Sometimes I think my friend, "Ugly Billy" just deserves to get some action too! Right? And he sure as heck can't get a girl on his own! Especially with a name like "Ugly Billy."

24. Do you prefer dangling earings, hoops or studs?
Am I the only one that sees the joke in this question involving dangling studs?

25. Have you ever used a Polaroid camera?
What do you mean by "used"?

26. What is your favorite stuffed animal?
I used to have a stuffed tiger cub when I was a kid, and I slept with it so long that all of the fur came off of the material. I think my mom still has it. (the animal, not the fur.)

27. On clothes do you prefer polka dots or stripes?
Are you kidding me?! The last time I saw a guy in polka dots, he was holding ping pong balls and helping kids play "The Grand Prize Game!"

28. Have you ever driven a moving truck?
Uh, is it really possible to say that you've driven a stationary truck?

29. Do you read the gossip magazines in the check out line?
Of course! One has to stay up with the babies that Angelina and Brad adopt. Did you realize that they are the 14th largest nation in the world now?

30. What shape of diamond looks best on your ring finger?
I was going to say Niel Diamond, but the more I think about it, the sicker it becomes.

31. Can you name all 7 Dwarfs?
Is this some kind of entrapment trick.? I don't discriminate on little people.

32. Last thing you bought in a vending machine?
A lottery ticket as a Christmas gift. - yeah, that's how I roll.

33. Does your mom still keep your baby teeth for memories?
That's silly on her part if so. Everyone knows that memories are stored in our brains, not our teeth.

34. If eating live cockroaches made you loose weight instantly, would you eat them?
I dunno, do people really want loose weight? If they'd make you LOSE weight, I would if they tasted like chocolate!

35. Do bikers in big groups wearing all leather scare you?
Only if they showed up in my bedroom.

36. If no one is home, do you close the bathroom door to pee?
I do now that we have a cat! I don't want any of those "dangling studs" that were brought up earlier in this questionaire.

37. What flavor Kool Aid was your favorite?
I always thought Kool Aid was for poor kids. we always had Coke or Country Time Lemonade

38. Can you do push ups?
Absolutely, but I do more "Sit Downs", than "Push Ups."

39. Do you have A. D. D.?
What was that? I'm sorry, I got distracted and started counting the floor tiles.

40. Do you wear glasses/contacts?
Not at the same time

41. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment:
Julia Roberts looked hot in that polka dotted dress. Grass grows through dirt. Jesse Helms finally died.

42. Current hate right now?
Nazis, and flavored coffee

43. How did you bring in the new year?
I invited it in for a drink, drugged it, drew a moustache on it's face with a sharpie, an then dropped it off at the Free Clinic.

44. Favorite boy's name?
I don't have a favorite boy.

45. Last thing that made you laugh?
Telling my friend Ed that I was going to wear a Tshirt that says "Born to Buff" at an interview for janitor position.

46. Do you use sarcasm?
Oh, hell no. Never.

47. Do you still have your tonsils? Last time I checked.
Wait hold on...........................Gag..................Hack........... Yes, yes I do.

48. Would you bungee jump?
Depends. If it was a five story bungee-cord and I was on a four story building, then no.

49. What is your favorite cereal?
It’s a toss up between honey bunches of oats, and frankenberry. I guess they’d have to fight to see which one came out on top.

50. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
No, I’m very efficient, even when I am getting dressed.

51. What is the first thing you notice about people?
Probably any kind of physical deformity is the first thing I would notice. Like “Hey, that guy doesn’t have a nose!” Aside from any disfigurements, I’d have to say a person’s eyes.

52. Red or pink?
That’s it? No other info? I guess red, unless the question is prefaced with something like: “You are burning alive, but the fire is extinguished. What color do you want your skin to be?” then I’d go with pink.

53. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
How would I know? If I was a crayon, I wouldn’t have free thought - so it would be impossible to know. That question is just plain ol’ stupid.

54. Scary movies or happy endings?
Unless you're talking about messages, then scary movies are the way to go.

55.. Summer or winter?
Summer. Winter is for idiots and penguins.

56. What is on your mouse pad?
Mousepad? Lol! That’s so 20th century!!!

57. Where were you born?
Right out of my mothers punanni and into the doctor’s hands.

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Saturday, September 5, 2009

Thoughts of Veggies

I think that cabbage is the only vegetable that has a separate meaning to it. Not only does it refer to the vegetable, but it is also synonymous with the work “take”, as in the following sentence:

“Mr. Johnson was throwing away this old sprocket, but I cabbaged on to it in case we need it later.”

See? It doesn’t work with asparagus, carrot, potato, or even celery. Only cabbage, the loneliest of vegetables.

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Friday, September 4, 2009

Simply Marvelous

When I heard that Disney purchased Marvel Comics for 4.5 billion dollars today, I was really bummed out. Marvel was the coolest thing in the world when I was growing up, and Disney stories were always so watered down and lame.

Sure, Disney had well written, epic stories, but Marvel was always about action. BAP!! BAM! SNIKKT! FOOM! It was sad to think of my childhood heroes becoming diluted and pulled into the Disney fold. Will Wolverine still be the loose cannon that kills his enemies with claws, or will his stories be relegated to only using his claws to bust through walls, cut down trees, etc? It sounds stupid, but nobody wants to see their childhood hero transformed into something they weren’t before. It happened before with O.J. Simpson, and I hope it won’t happen with the Marvel characters. So will Disney leave Marvel alone and let them continue the tradition of making action filled comics? I doubted it.

But then I remembered that Disney owns Miramax. And Miramax once created this little, artsy movie called Pulp Fiction. And then a warm feeling slowly came over my heart. Things are going to be alright.

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Thurday, September 3, 2009

5 Things....

This was my attempt at starting up my own viral "time killer" for people to fill out on The Facebook. No one else ever did it.

5 THINGS YOU NEVER WANT TO HERE THE DOCTOR SAY:
1. "Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Greenwood! We're pretty sure it's a boy."
2. "Huh, I didn't know that Hedgehogs could fit in such small spaces."
3. "Nurse Crochet, bring me another shot of scotch, this one is gonna' take a while."
4. " take two of these and call me once it falls off."
5. "Relax, this will only hurt for the first few inches."

5 THINGS YOU NEVER WANT TO HERE YOUR GRANDMA SAY:
1. "You're the spitting image of your grandpa. You kiss like him too."
2. "You know I love you, just not as much as I do the other grandkids."
3. "Remember when i used to clean your diapers? Well, now it's your turn."
4. "This is your new grandpa, Andy Rooney."
5. "The depression was a rough era. Your grandpa used to pull 2 shifts at the steel mill, but I still had to work the streets to make ends meet."

5 THINGS YOU LEARNED FROM WATCHING CARTOONS:
1. Muppet Show - Bears aren't really mean, they just tell corny jokes and say wokka, wokka, wokka!
2.Bugs Bunny - ACME must be the biggest company in the world since they sell EVERYTHING.
3. GI JOE Catoon - Terrorists shoot lasers instead of bullets, but it doesn't matter since they never really hit anyone.
4. Road Runner - Coyotes make a very distinct "poof" sound after falling from a cliff.
5. He Man - No matter how strong you are, you should fight your enemies by throwing large rocks in their direction.

5 THINGS YOU THAT YOU LEARNED ON THE PLAYGROUND THAT WERE WRONG:
1. Girls pee out of their butts.
2. There is an alligator living in the lake at Charlie Brown Park
3. All girls have cooties.
4. Firecrackers are harmless
5. Things that get written into your "permanent record" will follow you for your whole life.

5 THINGS THAT YOU LEARNED FROM YOUR GRANDPARENTS:
1. Grandpa - A single head nod and eye contact, can be substituted for an entire conversation in most cases.
2. Grandma - If you want to find any of the good stuff at yard sales, you have to wake up early.
3. Grandpa - Always cover the tip of the hook with part of the nightcrawler
4. Grandma - Your parents used to be little kids, just like you were.
5. Grandpa - Some of your more "endearing" personality traits were inherited.

5 THINGS THAT MEN SHOULD LEARN FROM WOMEN, OR WOMEN SHOULD LEARN FROM MEN:
1. Men become one with the television! When a television show is on, all conversation should stop. Conversations should only occur during commercials.
2. Your look fine. If you didn't, we wouldn't be taking you anywhere.
3. Men need time alone in their garage/workshop. It's our Fortress of Solitude - the place to go to relax and think.
4. No matter how much your husband or boyfriend tries to assure you to the contrary, all men like looking at naked women. End of story. It doesn't mean that we don't love you, it just means that we like boobies.
5. Even though you don't understand it, men have certain "needs" that have to be fulfilled. Like bench grinders and reciprocating saws. You don't understand it, but men need these.

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Saturday, September 1, 2009

Today's WTF...

Just when you thought Burger King's commercials couldn't get any stranger, they released this ad proclaiming that the King's Seven incher will "blow your Mind.". The inuendos don't really get much more blatant than this.

Want to read more thing that look dirty but really aren't? Check out my Not Really Dirty Page.

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Saturday, October 31, 2009

Bwa Ha Ha Ha Ha Haaaaaah.

Tonight marks the third and final night that I get to play the crazed carnival barker at the haunted house. I'm really excited about it since last weekend was the most fun that I've had in years. There's just something about stepping outside of yourself and becoming something else. Something more terrifying.

The character I created is not really a mad scientist per se, but more of a deranged circus showman who dabbles in the mysterious world of carnival magic. I'd describe his personality as one part P.T. Barnum, on part Dr. Caligari, and two parts Beetleguise.

Hopefully I played him well enough for him to become a reoccurring character in the haunt for years to come. Perhaps next year I'll try to become a guide instead of a room actor, since his personality just oozes with a mad sarcasm and he interacts well with the crowd. Now, if he only had a name….

Suggestions???

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Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The happiest boy in the world!

This year I have the opportunity to act in a local charity (Girl's Athletic Boosters) haunted house. It's a lot later in the season than I would have hoped to have gotten involved, with only two weeks to build the haunt, but I'm working with a group of really cool people who are dedicated to spending hours upon hours to get it up and running on time.

The haunts theme this year is a twisted carnival, so I created this poster to advertise it. I hope it work well since I tried to design it as an homage to the old circus posters from my childhood.

This is gonna' be a BLAST! I feel like little kid on Christmas eve....

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Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Grim Grinning Ghosts Come Out To Vocalize.

For the past few years it seems like life has gotten in the way of my infatuation with Halloween. I always start out with the best intentions. As early as July, I am scheming up crazy ideas for props. Some are small, like creepy jars, but some are massive, like a talking, severed head illusion. But by the time October rolls around, I run out of steam and things don’t get completed.

I used to have KG3’s Halloween parties to motivate me, but over the past few years, the massive parties have dwindled down to having a few friends over to watch horror movies. The passion is still there for me to build things, but the motivation is down.

I wish there was a way to do something on a large scale again. I’ve contacted haunted attractions as far as an hour away from my hometown to volunteer my services, but I never seem to get a reply. I'd absolutely LOVE to design haunted attractions. The creativity and skill is there, but not the demand I guess.

I even thought of going together with other Home haunters to put something on, but it doesn't seem like anyone else is interested. So if you are a pro or home haunter living in South Central Illinois and want to put something together, please get in touch with me.

Here are a few of the paltry little projects that I have actually completed this year….

A Fairie in a jar – This one slightly glows and pulses with a dim yellow light, barely visible through the sticks and moss.

A Zombie Elixir - This one is sculpted of polymer clay and contains a mysterious slimy goop inside.

Werewolf Fur – Another polymer clay sculpture on a jar containing “werewold fur”

A bunch of additional disgusting and creepy things in jars…..

A Severed Finger – Why a finger? I ask you, Why not a finger?

Brain and Brainstem – Just a little cheesy prop made out of foam.

Steam Punk Mad Scientist Lamp – A lamp for the Lab that looks even better in real life than in any photos.

Giant Steam Punk Eyeball Box – Yep, you guessed it, a giant eyeball that follows you as you move about the room.

An Archaic Tome made from Human Skin

A Box Bound in Flesh – Another prop in the same vein (pun intended) as the one above.

Man Eating Plants – Yeah, the’re giant. Yeah, they’re plants. Yeah, they eat flesh.

Note: If you are a fan of my old Halloween tutorial pages, the projects shown above are just a few examples of projects with step-by-step tutorials in my upcoming “Hauntology 101” book. – Coming Soon!

And that’s about it so far. I'll be sure to post more as I create them.

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Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Night Walk.

I went for a brisk night walk this evening. There's something about wearing shorts when it's 60 degrees outside that miraculously increases a person's walking speed! It was a good walk, except for when I walked past the funeral home and smelled this strange smoke odor. It was like a mix of sandalwood, incense, and dirty ass.

And I couldn't help but wonder if I was inhaling someone's grandparent.

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Thursday, October 1, 2009

A Revelation.

I never realized this until I walked outside for lunch and saw the handicapped symbol….

Have you ever noticed that if you take the wheel off of the symbol, it still looks like a handicapped person trying to crawl around?! Amazing!

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Monday, November 30, 2009

WTF Google?!

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Monday, November 28, 2009

Know your place!

Kaitlyn walked it the room the other night and proudly showed us a face she discovered hidden on the packaging of a box of pads.

Kaitlyn: "Did you ever notice that there was a frowning face on the end of this box of pads?!"

Me: "It doesn't look angry. It looks more like an upset face than an angry one."

Kaitlyn: "Yeah, your right. It looks kind of sad. Of course, I'd be upset too if I realized that I was going to spend my whole life stuck against a bloody vagina!"

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Tuesday, November 24, 2009 It's a cartoon, people! Disney's new animated film "The Frog Prince" is poised to be one of the most successful children’s movies of the year. African American families are coming out en masse' to see the film, which features the first black Disney princess. It surprises me that it has taken this long, since they haven’t shied away from using other ethnicities in the past. Jasmine is Arabic, Pocahontas is American Indian, and Ariel is, well - a fish. It's about time that one of Disney's cartoons give the black children a good role model to look up to. I suppose Disney has just been waiting for the right story to come up. Obviously Jasmine's Arabic ethnicity wouldn't quite work in the story about John Smith exploring early America, nor would Arial fare very well in the story of Mulan, the warrior girl. So maybe this is the right time and place for this character.

The only thing that upsets me is that there has been a backlash among the so-called “purists” who don’t believe in interracial relationships. You see, although the princess is black, the prince is supposed to be a white European. It blows my mind how this could upset so many people.

C’mon folks! It’s a friggin' cartoon! If cartoon relationships influence the minds of our children, then these same people should have been FURIOUS when 'Beauty and the Beast' came out. That Princess was boinking a friggin dog-man for crying out loud!!! Sheessh!

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Friday, November 17, 2009

To feel as a mutant feels.

Sometimes I think that I have superpowers. Now don't get funny ideas in your head, because I'm not delusional. I don't think I can lift up a car, nor can I leap a tall building in a single bound. Hell, I couldn't leap a tall building no matter how many bounds I took.

My super power isn't close to being that cool! No, my super power is lame. My super power is the ability to bite into a chunk of bone whenever I eat anything. I can’t describe how, but I always end up finding something to make my teeth go “crunch”.

In this week alone, I bit down on a piece of bone in a chicken McNugget! I mean really, I didn’t even thing that those things were even really made of meat!

And to top it off... later I bought a turkey sandwich on wheat bread from the deli - errrr....gas station. And what do you think happened? I felt the sharp crunch of something as it ground between my teeth! Except this time it wasn't a bone, it was a pebble! Yeah, that's right, a friggin’ pebble. I bit down on a rock that was inside of a turkey!!!

But these are just two examples from this week. I've bitten down upon hundreds of freakishly bone crunching things over the years. Like the time my taco salad contained sharp chunks of broken porcelain! Or the time a piece of bone sliced into my gums when I was eating steamed broccoli! Or the time I thought I chipped a tooth when I bit down on buckshot in bear meat a family friend served me -- and when I brought it up to him he sad, “Well that's strange, because I shot the bear with a rifle.”

I just don’t get it.

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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

As time passes.

I've been working a lot of overtime for the past week or so, and after a while all the days start to run together. Is it Wednesday, or Friday? Who knows! As a matter of fact, I just noticed that I've begun to subconsciously judge time by the rate of decomposition of the smashed cat on the road in front of the building.

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Monday, November 16, 2009

Wendy's Nuts.

Even though it's an official looking box, there’s no way in hell I'm going to risk visiting the website. Some things you just can’t unsee.

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Thursday, November 12, 2009

Letters, we get letters.

Captain Alex sent in this response to yesterday's post. Content has been some-what edited to protect the innocent.

"As a matter of fact, just about everything known to man has probably touched my lips.

Well….. everything outside of raw oysters and buttholes, anyway."

Hmmmm.....I am speechless.... and you give me crap for folding up into a box. You could almost stamp this with the "Gay Say" aka the gayest saying of the day...."banana ramma my ass LOL"

Dude I remember laughing so hard my stomach hurt at some of the things we said at MAM that got twisted around.......Big shoes you know what that means"....Now everybody laugh this time wweeeeohhh...whatta ya say spike huh huh whatddya want to do today? "What about the meeting....is that meet with an ee or with an ea?" gggggUgh! ...... 4:44 ..... warren wikes to wemenice about times at woork. What about that elephant voice that you always talked in? ...ya know the one that kinda sounded like a clown.....and who could forget Baron Von apple? What about alex's chillin with a 40 mix? Or what about the game where we sang extremely annoying songs to each other in hopes that the bad lyrics would get stuck in the others head.......A one two three 0'clock four o'clock rock.....see your singing 50s songs now.

later man,
-Captain Alex

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Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Creepy-crawly germs.

I woke up this morning to the appearance of a huge zit on my bottom lip? Of all of the places that I could develop a pimple, why would it choose my lip?

Note to inner self: C’mon antibodies! Why the heck are you allowing that?!

I guess when you really think about it, our lips should be the one place where we do get acne. Out of every other part of the body, our lips probably touch more things than anything else. As a species we're always putting stuff on them, whether its food, utensils, lipstick, lip balm, or even our hand. So it's common sense that our lips should be crawling with all manner of lil' nasty, microscopic things. Especially if you have an oral fixation like I do. Everything I touch seems to meet my lips if I hold it in my hand long enough. As a matter of fact, just about everything known to man has probably touched my lips.

Well….. everything outside of raw oysters and buttholes, anyway.

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Saturday, November 7, 2009

That Crazy, Crazy English Language.

Wouldn't you think that the word “disemboweled” would mean that you had your rectum removed?! And what about “dismembered”?

I'd think that's what John Bobbit went through in the early 90's……

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Thursday, November 5, 2009

The H1N1 Debate.

We were debating on getting the H1N1 shot after we saw all of the news stories about that cheerleader who's messed up for life because of it. And then we thought – well, the chances of that happening are like a million to one, and in the rare case that we developed that disease, we could probably live pretty well off of ticket sales if we marketed ourselves right.

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Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Random Thoughts.

I wonder if anyone has ever investigated the milk companies for child abduction. I mean, think about it – their photographer just happens to have portraits of all of those missing kids? Something just doesn't’t add up there….

Do you think dolphins let porpoises hang out with them? Is there some sort of weird sub-species racism in effect there? Cause sure they kinda' look alike, but porpoises are like the crazy, inbred cousins that the family doesn't bring up in mixed company. I bet there isn't much dolphin/porpoise interaction going on.

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Thursday, December 24, 2009

This weeks WTF award goes to...

One of the many Christmas Treats that were delivered to us at work from this small St. Louis company. The cookies were awesome, but there is something that didn't sit well with me about the company when I was looking at it's brochure. Then I took a closer look at the logo. Clean, wholesome dad eating a cookie, or perverse dad eating some sausage? You be the judge...

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Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Déjà Vois!

KG3 and I watched the movie “Avatar” in 3-D last night. I wasn’t expecting too much from it even though everyone who had seen it have been singing it’s praises all week. Let me tell you this, Avatar is amazing! I can honestly say that if they had the movie with all of the characters removed and no sound, I would have still sat through it just to look at the incredible scenery.

Even after sitting in the theater for almost 3 hours, I found myself wishing it hadn’t ended. I would have probably sat there all night if I could have. So I recommend that you go see it!

As we were walking back to the car afterwards, we were talking about the movie….

Me: That was awesome! Better than Brave Heart! Better than Harry Potter! Better than Star Wars! That was probably the best movie I’ve ever seen!

KG3: I know! It was awesome!!!! I liked it even better than the first time that I saw it!

Me: The first time you saw it?!

KG3: Yeah, back when it was called Ferngully.

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Monday, December 21, 2009

An Office Conversation.

The following banter over the movie Avatar took place today.

The Jeff: I went and saw that movie Avatar over the weekend and it was awesome. Even my wife liked it and I practically had to drag her to see it. It’s not her type of movie but she ended up liking it.

Me: I want to see it really bad, but I don’t think I could get Wendy to go.

The Jeff: Make a bet with her!

Me: A bet?

The Jeff: Yeah, bet her that she’ll like it or something.

Me: But nothing too extreme, right? Like "If you don’t like this movie, I’ll let you cut off my thumbs!”

The Jeff: That may be a little extreme….

Me: You’ll know how it went if I come in tomorrow all bandaged up Screaming “DAMN YOU, JEFF! DAAAAAAAAAMN YOU!!!”

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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Rectum? Damn near killed 'um.

Yet another random Office Conversation. This one between me, Aw, and Ash.

Me: Whenever our dog was sick, we had trouble making it go to the bathroom. It didn’t poop for two straight days! Eventually we Googled it and a vet site said to stick the tip of a red matchstick in it's butthole to make it poop.

Ash: That’s gross!

Me: I guess the match irritates it and makes it take a crap.

Aw: Yeah, I think so

Me: I don’t know why it has to be a match stick though. If you stuck anything in my butthole, I’d be irritated!

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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Oh, Tiger.

It seems like the only newsworthy event over the past few weeks is Tiger Wood’s indiscretions. The whole situation has been a personal nightmare for him. He’s not only lost the trust of his family, but also lost the admiration of the public.

His infidelity has cost him financially also, since his sponsors are dropping him left and right.

But if he had any marketing sense at all he could put a spin on this infidelity and turn it into a positive. Sure he’s lost Gatorade and Rolex, but he could pick up some new sponsors as well.

Axe Cologne - Be a Tiger with the ladies
Viagra - Now you too can have Tiger Wood.
Hair coloring for women - Nothing tames a cougar like a Tiger would.

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Tuesday, December 15, 2009

The Japanese did what??

I clipped this page from the current Blick catalog. It has to be one of the strangest catalog copy ever....

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Monday, December 14, 2009

WTF Italy???

It's time for Derek's annual "clean up junk files from the desktop" marathon. I found this clipping from Time's Quote of the day from way back in July that I neglected to post. It's so wrong that it has to be intentional....

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Friday, December 11, 2009

I'll be rich!

I have a new million dollar invention, if I could just figure out how to produce them. Two words - inflatable holes.

Just imagine. If you need a hole in your back yard, just blow one of these babies up and viola! Need a bigger hole?? Then just blow it up a little more!

Now if I could only figure out how to make it compatible with the laws of physics...

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Thursday, December 10, 2009

That's just plain ol' nasty, Amazon!

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Monday, December 7, 2009

Elmo is a Perv.

I clipped this ad from the Wa-Mart flyer that came in the mail this afternoon. Am I the only one who finds this a little disturbing? "Tickle Me Elmo" was bad enough, but now they sell Elmo hands designed for tickling?

"Elmo Tickle Hands?!" What the hell?! What's next, "Cousin Donny's Giggle Stick?!"

It's just plain ol' inappropriate!

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Friday, December 4, 2009

Snow Daze.

Today I rationalized to someone how the internet is causing global warning. Remember how we used to get severe winters in Illinois?

I'm talking three feet of snow. Deep enough to get lost in a snow drift! Winters so rough that you were holed up in your home for days upon end. But that doesn't happen anymore, does it? No, it doesn't, and it's all because of the internet!

Proof you say? Well, here's your proof! We haven't had severe winters since the late 90's -- right after the internet began invading America's households.

I rest my case.

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Friday, December 4, 2009

Office Conversation.

The people at work have been piping out the Christmas music for the past couple of days. I'm usually not much for the whole “Christmas Spirit”, but you won’t hear me complaining – I'm just glad to have a job. But hearing the classic song, “I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus” song spurred on this office conversation.

Me: “Have you ever really listened to the lyrics to that song? It's pretty awful.”

Coyote: “I know! It's pretty bad.”

Me: “Just think about how that would look to a little kid. He[d think his mom was cheating on his dad with an old fat guy.”

Coyote: “Yeah -- a kid wouldn't understand what was going on. It'd probably mess them up.”

Me: “Sure it would! They'd be all messed up. Imagine growing up thinking that your Mom was a skank!”

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Wednesday, December 2, 2009

A win-win situation!

Wendy and Kaitlyn bought me a PS3 for christmas this year! It's pretty amazing, although I tend to think that it was a year of my incessant whining that won her over, and not the fancy blu-ray player that is built into the system. I was talking about the gift at work to a lady who was planning on buying one for her husband also.

Me: “Really, a PS3 is the perfect gift from a wife to her husband, when you think about it.”

Ahane: Oh really? Why?”

Me: Because if she's close to him, he'll really appreciate it and love her even more. But if she hates his guts, she'll be okay too because he'll play it all of the time and be out of her hair.”

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Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Random Thoughts

Every time we lose a great actor like Patrick Swayze or Heath Ledger, I have to look at Nicholas Cage and ask God "Why?"

Drugs, Terror, Digital Piracy, Gangs, Porn - is there anything that the United States isn’t at war with?

The best part about misogyny is the relaxing misog itself.

Statistics point out that Cheerleading is the second most dangerous sport that high school students can be involved with. Only football has more injuries. It surprised me to hear this at first, but then I realized that after they flip around, cheerleaders have to rely on a bunch of girls to catch them.

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