2008 - The Year In Review
|
Tuesday, January 28, 2008
On the shelves
This “Butt – Out” tool has to be one of the most bizarre products on the market! This amazing tool makes it easy to yank the rectum out of a deer or “similar sized” animals.
Why did it take so long for an amazing product like this to be developed. Just think of how many times you've had to yank out rectal canals by hand! How could we have lived without this amazing tool?!
This is one product that I hope doesn't say “not tested on animals” in fine print on the box. Because if it wasn't tested on animals, I don't think I want to know what it WAS tested on. Especially since the manufacturer's tagline is: “for sportsman, by sportsman.” YIKES!
Wanna' see how it works? You can watch the demonstration video here.
|
|
|
|
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Karma Smack.
It never fails! Just whenever you feel like you're getting somewhere in life, that thing called karma shows up to smack you down and put you back in your place.
Case in point: this weekend. We'd actually managed to get caught up financially, at least enough that we were going to go out for dinner and a movie on Sunday. We had the bills paid up until next week and actually had a little money left to spend on enjoyment.
But the Wendy was driving KG3 to the coffee shop when a warning light appeared on the Cadillac. The “Battery Not Charging” warning message came up, to be precise. We assumed it was the alternator - which although is a pain, isn't too much of a hassle, and is almost expected to go out sometime whine you drive a used vehicle.
The owners of our local Battery and Alternator shop are friends of the family too, so we weren't too overly concerned. Until we actually talked to him and he said, and I quote: “Derek, you couldn't pay me enough to take that alternator off of that Cadillac.”
Smack! Karma says “Screw you Derek!!!” once again.
Obviously, removing the alternator from the Cadillac that we own is a hellish experience. Instead of being in reach like other vehicles, our car's alternator is tucked way up inside, underneath a motor-mount, stuffed between the engine and the radiator! Go figure!
According to the service manual. Removing the alternator on our car is supposed to be four hours of labor for the dealership mechanic. Now that is downright scary. After all, I know women who've delivered babies with less that four hours of labor. So I can't imagine what it'll cost us.! More than dinner and a movie, I can assure you.
But I guess four hours of mechanic's labor is still cheaper than four hours of labor at the hospital. Yes, karma... maybe I should count my blessings after all.
|
|
Friday, January 25, 2008
Huh?
I got a chuckle out of this weird message that was taped onto the overhead projector where I teach night classes. I'm not sure how I was supposed to interpret the note, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean what it sounds like.
|
|
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Random thoughts on being self-employed.
I imagine one of the best things about working at home would be that you can feel comfortable pooping at work. That and you can dance around to the Flash-Dance soundtrack naked except for some leather chaps and a cardboard Tony-the-Tiger mask.
|
|
Thursday, January 24, 2008
A Deviant.
I have a student in my Illustrator class this semester that is incredibly talented! Her name is Megan Miller and she told me that she's never taken a drawing class, but I hope I can persuade her to do so. She has a site on Deviant Art that everyone should check it out.
|
|
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Welcome to the Carnival.
KG3 has a new perfume that smells a lot like cotton candy. I'm not sure why anyone would want to smell like that, but who am I to judge? After all, I spent around 20 years smelling like stale cigarette smoke!
So this morning I was getting ready to leave for work and stopped by her room to give her a hug goodbye. The door was shut. The grossly-sweet smell of cotton candy hung in the air.
Me: “Are you in there?”
KG3 (from behind the door): “Yeah, I'm getting dressed!”
Me: “What the heck is that nasty smell? It smells like cotton candy?!”
KG3 (from behind the door): “It's my new perfume.”
Me: “That's your perfume?! Really?!”
Long pause with no answer..........
Me: “Are you sure you don't have a carny in there?!”
KG3: “Dad!!!”
Me: “Sorry! I was just asking.....”
KG3: “Dad!!!!”
Me: “I suppose your right. If you had a carny in there it'd smell more like a combination of elephant ears, lemon shake-ups, cigarettes and axle grease.”
KG3: “Dad!!!!”
|
|
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Dead.
Heath Ledger died today of what they suspect is a drug overdose. It's a terrible loss, because he was one of the great young American actors of our time. Heath Ledger always put his heart into his acting. It didn't matter whether he was playing a hard-rocking Knight in “A Knight's Tale” or a rock-hard gay cowboy in “A Cowboy's Tail......er..... I mean Brokeback Mountain”, or the evil clown prince of crime, The Joker in the upcoming Batman movie. He was a good actor and it's too bad he's gone.
I'm guessing that Wendy and KG3 will take the news especially hard. It seems like they both drool over a Heath Ledger movie at least once a week, typically that “10 Things I hate About You”, which is okay to watch over and over again since it has Julia Styles in it.
But then I realized something...... Wendy must have some sort of curse on her because every guy that she crushes over ends up either dead, or tries to kill themselves!
First it was Michael Hutchence from INXS, (I think he died from hanging himself while flogging his dolphin – which gets an A+ for creativity, I guess) then Owen Wilson tried to slit his wrists!
Man, the only ones left are Matthew McConaughey and Johnny Depp! Once they go, then I guess it'll be down to me!
Gulp!
|
|
|
|
Monday, January 21, 2008
It's Alive........ALIVE!
I've been spending a lot of time trying to get ready for my Adobe illustrator class. I've been spending countless hours trying to update and rebuild my handouts for this new version. I know it doesn't sound like much of a big deal, but believe me, it sucks.
The software is so new that I don't even have it at work yet, let alone at home. I'm really going to have to save my money to eventually buy it, but I'll have to buy a new computer to run the damn thing. So I'm looking at about $4,500 – $5,000 all together. No small amount for a poor boy like me. So for now, I am taking screen shots of the software at school and modifying them at home. But that's not all! No friends, it sucks waaaaay more than that. The software that I used to build my handouts is newer than the version I have at home! So I'm opening the PDF’s on my daughters PC laptop, saving the text to Word. Exporting the Word file as a.txt file and saving it to a flash drive. Then I'm taking the .txt file to my Mac, opening it in my old layout program, and formatting the text with the new screenshots.
I feel like Dr. Frankenstein, slowly piecing together my monster document.
|
|
|
|
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Fists of Fury.
I know that I get over excited about things every once-in-a-while, but these medals from a trophy catalog really bothered me! Just what are these kids learning in the “martial arts” classes? It's kind of scary if you go by the images on the medals, don't you think?
My kid was in karate for a few years when she was younger, and it was good for her. I feel like she learned some discipline and was able to defend herself from others her age at the time. But I'll be damned if I wouldn't have blown a fuse if she'd come home with a medal for something that looks like a karma sutra position. And let me tell you something else; if my kid ever got an award/medal that was a giant fist, I'd want to commit suicide!
|
|
Monday, January 14, 2008
Speaking with a forked tongue.
Today was filled with highs and lows. Probably the most refreshing thing was that I found out that my Illustrator class doesn't start until this Thursday. I had misread my schedule and thought the first class was tonight. These few extra days will really give me the extra edge to prepare my materials. The school upgraded the software to the newest version which is great, except the fact that I've never worked with the new version before. So I've been going into the computer room at the school over my lunches to get acclimated to the program. Now I just have to update my handouts, which is about as much fun as shaving your tongue with a rusty pocket knife.
And speaking of tongues, I bit my damn tongue over my lunch hour – thanks a lot Bubbalicious – and put a pretty good split right down the middle. Yep, I said right down the middle. The whole tip of my tongue went numb soon afterwards, but it grosser than anything. If I stick my tongue out, it looks like another, smaller tongue is sticking out of the split. The meat sticking out kinda' reminds me of Alien. So I guess there's something cool about it at least!
|
|
Friday, January 11, 2008
Three skanks, one cornhole.
The following weird banter occurred via email between The Reverend and I. To protect the names of the innocent, actual names have been replaced with famous pop-culture skanks.
The Reverend; "Paris has a new pic in the employee folder, can you make her a new plaque? .........and let me know and I'll tell Lindsey, or you can send it to her..."
Me; "Send what? I'm cornfused......... Really, I'm fused to corn. It smells disgusting when I take off my sock."
The Reverend; "Her pic after it's been touched up....maybe I should just tell Brittany, I think she may be the one that names it and places it.......not for sure."
Me: "I think it should work now. If you want, check the directory and see if it pulls the new pic. (I would, but the photos don't show up on the macs.) Just a thought: If you're grandma has the corns removed from her feet, would she have multiple cornholes where they were removed?"
The Reverend; "Yea, I thinks so.........'hey Gramma, watch your cornhole bud.........'
|
|
|
|
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Is that even legal?
I scanned this for a catalog called Valley Naturals. I'm not really sure if the maker of these supplements spent a lot of time thinking about the name of the product. The way I see it, this catalog is probably the only way to order that specific product. Can you imagine calling the local pharmacy for something like this stuff?! I'd be embarrassed to order it!
Pharmacy Clerk: “Thank you for calling Blah Blah Pharmacy. My name is Shannon, how may I help you?”
Me: “Uh, yeah..... I was wondering if I could get a large jar of Leg Veins.”
Pharmacy Clerk: “One moment sir while I call the authorities.”
Me: “No wait, you don't understand. All I want is to get my daily intake of Leg Veins.
Pharmacy Clerk: “You're disgusting sir.”
Click.
Me: “Hello?..... Hello?”
|
|
|
|
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Still Standing.
It's almost the middle of January already. So far 2008 hasn't been so great for me. Wendy has been sick with her asthma for the whole year so far, and I've been stressed about teaching my class since the software has been upgraded and I've never even worked with it yet. And since no one in the family has been feeling very motivated, our Christmas Tree is still standing in the window of our library.
Sure it's beautiful and all, but when should it be taken down? On new years day? The day after Christmas? Is there a hard and fast rule regarding taking down Christmas Trees. At exactly what point does a remaining tree become “white trash”?
Should there be a specific time for removal, lets say three days after Christmas?! I think so. I mean we have specific days for everything else; New Years, Presidents Day, Earth day, Arbor Day, Labor Day, Gay Killer Whale Day, etc. So why shouldn't we create a special “Festive Tree Removal Day?!”
I'm declaring January 12 as the first national “Festive Tree Removal Day!” Yes sir, I think it will be a grand idea. Unless you really ARE white-trash. Then I suppose you could wait until July 9, the official “White trash trailer-whore redecoration day.”
|
|
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Hatched.
Ever wonder what would happen if you took two weirdo girls to Wal-Mart and told them that "two girls can't make a baby?" Well, if one of the girls happens to be my kid, then they would go on a bizarre shopping spree to construct a baby of their own!
KG3 and her friend, whom we'll call "JFB" announce the birth of their baby "Ada". Cutie huh?
The girls couldn't be prouder of their little pineapple.
Everyone at Wal Mart had to stop and admire the little critter. I think most people were impressed by the baby's stylish hairdo.
|
|
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Best laid plans.
Isn't it amazing how Murphy's Law always seems to kick in whenever you least expect it? Today is my wedding anniversary and I actually had made plans for
something romantic for Wendy and I. The idea for this Anniversary “celebration” was conceived on the way to work while listening to the BLARMcast on my way to work. So thanks to Dana for planting the seed for my plans!
Wendy as no idea about the plans since I kept the whole thing secret from her. But I had to tell others of course, just to make sure that it wasn't cheesy. So I had it all figured out and that's when Murphy's law kicked in. Wendy is really sick with a sinus infection and the temperature outside has dropped into single digits.
So I guess my plan will have to wait a little longer before I can go ahead with it.
|
|
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
But should we recycle it?
I was shocked to find this tag hooked to the WWF shirt that we bought our daughter for Christmas. Does this mean that the World Wildlife Federation recycles its pandas? Waste not, want not I suppose.
|
|
|
|
Monday, February 18, 2008
Quote of the day
Speaking to Captain Alex regarding methods of birth control.
Me: "Y'know what Alex? When you really think about it, the only 100% effective means of birth control is homosexuality."
|
|
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Powerless
The weekend ended on a stressful note and it's partially my fault. Whether by genetics or by learned behavior, my nature is to be a procrastinator. It never fails that I will wait until the last possible minute to complete a task. Then I suffer and stress while trying to complete whatever needs done at the last minute. I know that I do this and I hate it! Yet I always seem to fall into this procrastinator's trap. I can't avoid it. I simply can't make myself work ahead and it sucks!
This weekend, I deliberately waited until Sunday to begin preparing my handouts for my Thursday class. It's a harrowing ordeal that takes dozens of hours to complete eat week. So as usual, I planned on working on it all afternoon Sunday, but amazingly our power went out around 9:00am.
So we sat at home and waited for it to come back on. And waited. And waited. And missed lunch. And waited. And missed dinner. And waited. Until we finally went to Wendy's parents house for a late dinner and a shower.
And amazingly we returned home to a house with every light turned on like a beacon in the night. It was after nine pm and I didn't really feel like working on my class material then. So I decided to put it off until Monday.
|
|
Friday, February 15, 2008
A Blast from the Past!
I got a surprising email today from a Mr. Lloyd Xxxxxxxx (Last name withheld because he's cool like that!), a friend who I've not spoken to since my sophomore year in high-school. It was good to hear from him again. There are lots of friends who I've lost contact with over the past two decades and it's nice to catch up with them once in a while.
Lloyd found my website by doing a search for Erv Coppi, the host of a local horror movie show when we were kids. How funny is it that I was found because of something as strange as that. Yes, Mr. Erv Coppi – reuniting friends without even knowing it.
Here are some excerpts from the email conversation in case other people who knew Lloyd have been wondering what he has been up to.
Hey Derek!
This is Lloyd Xxxxxxxx. I don't know if you remember me but we went to high school together at North Clay. I graduated in 1989. I am currently living in Fairfield, CA near San Francisco. I have been in the Air Force since 1990 and I am an E-7 (Master Sergeant) working C-5 cargo aircraft maintenance. I found your website by accident when I did a Google search for "Erv Copi". Weird huh? Anyway, I enjoy your website; keep the funny coming!
Any chance of putting the "Stayin' Alive '85" book you were working on in high school on your webpage?
Take care, write back if you want to/get a chance or would like more info on what I have been doing the past twenty years.
Lloyd "Eggroll"
-------------------------------
Tojo!!!!
Hey Lloyd! Of course I remember you! Sounds like things are going good for you. Just a few more years and you'll be retired, right?! That's funny that you found my site by searching for Erv Coppi. Why in the world would you search for him?!
Just kidding, I'm the one who wrote about him after all. As far as the Stayin Alive in 85 book, who knows, maybe someday. But I'd have to type it all out first.
It's so cool that you got ahold of me. Is it okay if I post your email on my website. I won't put your address in it though, that way you won't get spammed.
Great to hear from you man!
-------------------------------
hehehe...I forgot that they used to call me Tojo in high school. Political correctness wasn't the fashion back then. I saw on your website that you linked to Coast to Coast AM. I work nights, so while I'm driving around on the flightline, I listen to the show. One night, it got me thinking about the Friday night movie guy on Channel 8/16 I used to watch when I was a kid and I was tortured for about three days before I remembered Erv Coppi's name. I was wondering if he was still alive and did a Goggle search, found your website and thought it was pretty cool. So, is Erv Coppi still alive? Or was he found in dead in a hotel room with his head bashed in with a camera tri-pod? Wait, that's Bob Crane.....
I should be retiring in April of 2010. I haven't decided whether or not to stay past twenty, it depends on what the economy looks like at that time. If things go to shit, why would I leave a decent job with benefits to take orders (maybe literally if it's a restaurant) from a 25 year old making minimum wage? I still don't know if I will return to Illinois when I'm done or stay on the west coast.
|
|
|
 |
Thursday, February 14, 2008
What are the odds?
What are the odds of a comet striking the earth tomorrow? Or that I will win the lottery? What are the odds that I will be accosted by a drunken clown while on vacation in Borneo?
What are the odds that two people fall in love early in life and somehow manage to grow even closer than they had once been? A million to one? A gazillion to one? A mega-gadillion-billion-scadillion to one? Probably. But somehow it happened to me.
Sure, there have been rough times. There have been tears (pronounced “teers” not “tares”, although there were probably some “tares” along the way too) fights and arguments, but somehow we've kept it together against the odds.
Somehow fate brought us together. Me and the one woman who could tolerate me. The one woman who can watch me be crazy and then bring me back to reality. The only woman who can suffer through my fits, put up with my temper, and tolerate all of my eccentricities. Through good and bad, happy and sad, there is only one woman who I can picture growing old with.
I love you Wendy!
|
|
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Just dinking around.
KG3 went to the Sweetheart dance over the weekend and I was just messing around with a few of the photos that Wendy took (and one that my buddy VanGogh made).
|
|
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Try and Try Again.
A few weeks ago I posted a link to a student's Deviant Art page. It's come to my attention that the link that I posted didn't work, so I'm going to re-post it today. If you get a chance, be sure to visit Megan's site. It's full of really cool art that she's drawn.
|
|
|
|
Monday, February 11, 2008
Monday Morning Doodle
Yes, it's been a long time coming, but we finally get a sketch of Timmmaaa the welding penguin.
|
|
|
|
Friday, February 8, 2008
Yet another strange conversation.
On 2/7/08 Reverend Ed wrote:
I'll be leaving at 3:00 today to help my youngest daughter with her vehicular consternation. As the Gods will attest, I'm sure to affix my personal script on a parchment in blood, once again committing myself to the depths for an unfriendly, unappreciate, crib midget...........
Relentlessly,
Reverend Ed
On 2/7/08 Derek wrote:
My Gramma had vehicular consternation once. She bled for weeks......and sweet Jesus, the smell was awful!!
On 2/7/08 Reverend Ed wrote:
You can have that removed with bleaching and sanding you know.
On 2/7/08 Derek wrote:
We just used a frozen leg of lamb. Then we cooked it immediately and fed the evidence to the cops. Oh, wait, did you mean have my Gramma removed? Nevermind. Forget I said anything.
|
|
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Kickbacks
Want to do something just for fun? Go to Google, search for “Find Chuck Norris” and hit the “I feel lucky” button. This is what you'll see:
|
|
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Hardwired.
Hi Everybody! Lets do an exercise in hypothetics (if that's even a real word. But hell, if Merriam Webster says bootylicious is an actual word, then hypothetics shouldn't be contested.) This exercise will be a demonstration of the differences between men and women. So here we go!
Let's hypothetically say that a friend of your spouse received some hypothetically dirty pictures of someone that you hypothetically used to work with. Hypothetically speaking, a lot of people that your hypothetical spouse works with hypothetically saw these hypothetically nasty photos. Now lets say that your hypothetical spouse hypothetically has someone send you an edited (work-safe) photo just to make sure that this hypothetical woman in the nasty photos is the one who used to hypothetically work with you.
Now lets hypothetically say that you confirmed that this woman in the photo was indeed the person who used to hypothetically work with you. Suppose that you, being a typical guy, hypothetically asked to see the rest of the hypothetically dirty photos.
Now imagine that your hypothetical wife got angry and hypothetically called you bad names. Horrible names like “pig”, “pervert”, “disgusting”, and “Pauly Shore.” My question is: Is your hypothetical wife warranted with such comments?
I'm a guy – yes, I know it may be a shock to some of you, but I really am. And being a guy, I will always be ready to look at pictures of the dirty variety. It doesn't matter if the women are pretty, ugly, disgusting, or whatever – a guy will want to look. And any guy who tells you different is lying. Want to prove me wrong? If a 85 year old woman with a halter top, a walker, an oxygen tank, and a stream of mucus trailing from her nose were to walk past a group of men, they would still look at her boob-crack. It not something that we're proud of, it's just the way it is. I guess it could be compared to a car crash on the interstate. You don't WANT to look when you drive by, but you HAVE too.
So there's my defense. Good, bad, or indifferent, that's just the way men are made.
But Wendy ALWAYS wins.
|
Just to show you girls what I mean, men will look at the picture above and notice that my knuckles look like "boobs." |
|
|
|
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Busted!
Yes, I f@#king admit it! I have a fowl mouth.
|
|
|
|
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Wintertime memories.
Its been snowing like crazy over the past couple of days. It seems like we don't get the nasty Illinois winters anymore. Not like I remember from my childhood anyway. I can remember drifts that were so big that I would dig out ice cave in them. I remember one ice cave in particular. I spent hours digging it out from the enormous snow drift in the field across from our house.
I'm not sure why I dug the cave. Nor do I remember what I did in the cave once it was dug. But I remember the digging. Digging, digging digging.
I wasn't obsessed with digging however, because my shoveling was frequently interrupted by sword attacks to the oncoming hordes of monsters.
Yes, I was outside - armed with nothing but a shovel, a replica rapier, and my snow boots. With this combination I would dig my cave, rest inside, then go out to slay wave after wave of massive goblin thingies intent on destroying the village.
Then I'd return to my cave and wait....... for Mom's hot cocoa.
|
|
Friday, February 1, 2008
FYI (the I stands for innuendo)
It has been snowing like crazy and a lot of people didn't make it in to work today, including Captain Alex. We had nearly 7 inches of snow where I live, but Captain Alex's hometown had around nine inches of snow, which prompted this email:
To: Captain Alex
Subject: FYI
Hey Alex,
Just so you know.... I've been telling people that you're not here because you got nine inches last night.
Have a good weekend, buddy!
D
|
|
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Horror Beach
An update on the drawing. I made some changes when I transferred the art to bigger paper. I liked the greaser's eyes better in the first sketch than in the more refined drawing so I switched them back. I also didn't think the girl showed enough attitude, so I made her flipping off the zombies on this version. Hopefully I'll get some refinement in a few days.
|
|
Friday, March 21, 2008
Greasers
Captain Alex brought me 3 sheets of illustration board today and I'm really excited about getting started. I'm going to draw a scene that was inspired by the Rock-a-billy band “The HorrorPops” called Horror beach (check out the youtube video here!) The idea just came to me while listening to the tune on my drive home one night. It's crazy!
It's going to have a 1950’s greaser, complete with pompador, and his girlfriend – a Betty Page look-a-like blazing down the road in a 1970’s GTO muscle car. The car will be haulin' ass at a three quarters angle through a sea of nasty zombies. I want to do the whole thing in a weird "Archie Comics" kind of style. So it can be campy, disgusting, and cute all at the same time.
I also envision a word balloon coming from the Greaser's mouth that says "Hang on Becky, It's going to be a long ride home!"
Here are the preliminary layout and some of the character sketches that I have started. Nothing final yet, but I hope to work on it over the next week or so.
|
|
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
A Guessing Game
Well, I just got back from Indianapolis. They moved my Step-Dad into a special heart-hospital last night and we stayed with him until around midnight. They still don't know what is wrong with him for sure. They tested his heart with every expensive test they had and everything came out okay. So it isn't his heart anyway, which is good, but they're still uncertain what is wrong.
Right now they are thinking it may be something viral that has settled in his chest, but who knows? Heck, yesterday they said it could be a blood clot caused by flying in airplanes too often. They don't really know anything. Sounds like they are guessing at it just like we are. Where's Dr. House when you need him?
I asked them if they had any mean, crippled doctors we could consult and they just looked at me funny. Just kidding....
|
|
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Tub Thumpin'
Geez, will the stupid safety stickers ever come to an end?! This one was on a rubber tub that we bought at Wal-Mart. How stupid do they think we consumers are? Do really they need to make a sticker for this? Everyone should know that you should never, ever, under ANY circumstances, store a child in a Sterilite tub! Unless you are sure to poke enough air holes beforehand anyway.
|
|
|
|
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Lord of the Flies.
After standing at Captain Alex's desk discussing ongoing projects at work, I went to the restroom. When I got to the urinal I discovered that my fly was already unzipped. So after draining my lizard I went back up to confront Captain Alex in front of my boss.
Me: Hey Alex, why didn't you tell me that my fly was undone the whole time I was standing there?
Captain Alex: I don't know......
Me: It wasn't any big deal really, when I got to the bathroom I was like ‘Well, it looks like my job is halfway done’.
Captain Alex: I guess I didn't notice. It's not like I was looking!
Me: What the hell?! So now you're saying that I ain't sexy?!!! Screw you!
|
|
Friday, March 14, 2008
Artist's Block
It's been a long time since I've drawn anything. I was going real strong towards the end of last year, but the motivation fizzled out. Let me rephrase that, because in all truth the motivation was there, it was something else. I'm going to chalk it up to artist's block.
I’m placing all of the blame on the actual page of paper in my sketchbook. This was an unhappy page. A page that never seemed to be satisfied with what I put on it. There was something about it that didn’t set right with me!
When I set down my first marks, it was going to be a drawing of John Henry digging a train tunnel. But it didn’t work for me, so I erased it and transformed it into Davy Crocket fighting a giant grizzly bear. After the disappointment of that sketch set in, I decided to change it to a drawing of a little girl. A quirky little girl who seemed oblivious to the fact that a giant bear lumbered behind her!
But that wasn’t right either! Something unknown kept me from finishing the work. So the page continued to evolve, the bear became a monster, the girl a statuesque woman in armor wielding a longbow, until in desperation I erased the whole blamed page.
Blaming the page itself for the artist’s block, I vowed to finish the page in one night and to let the lines and contours be my guide to what the subject matter was. So there I sat with no preconceived notion of what the drawing would be. As the composition began to take shape, I was a little creeped out with what was materializing in front of me. But the artist’s block had to be broken, and I sat for hours sketching out this disturbing little drawing. If my Artist’s block were to have a living presence, a face for whatever saps my creativity, then this was it.
I hope to never draw it again.
|
Click it to make it bigger!
|
|
|
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Upload
Initially I thought it would be cool to be able to have information beamed directly into my brain, like in the Matrix, or Johnny Mnemonic. But the more I think about it, the less certain I become. Sure it would be really cool to “upload” the ability to ski, or speak French, but I bet it'd be like everything else that we've developed over the years. What I mean is that it would be filled with spam every day.
Can you imagine having to filter through 200 spam "brain uploads" about stock tips, replica watches, and bigger erections, let alone the occasional promise of “buckets of man juice?!”
No thank you, sir. Speaking French isn't that important to me.
|
|
|
|
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Todays "What the @#$&* Award" goes to......
I discovered this strange setting in my scanning software this afternoon. Yes, I am serious. The hidden “High Quality” option is turned off by default on my CanoScan8400F. Way to think Canon!
|
|
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Not responsible.
Something dawned on me the other day that I should have realized more than a decade ago. Let me preface this “revelation” by explaining just how the thought came about. I was talking with friends about a person I know who can't ever hold down a steady job because of an underlying ego issue. This person never seems to be happy at what they are doing and continually sponges off of other people. Its as if they have never grown up at all. They are driven, but ultimately unreliable. It's not like they are evil or any thing like that. They aren't Untrustworthy or selfish, but they do lack any sense of responsibility.
Note: I can guarantee that this is not written about you. If you are reading this, rest assured that you are not the subject I am describing. But if for some reason you feel as if it could be you, perhaps it's time to do an evaluation of where your life is headed and how you can change it.
And then I realized that the person I was describing was just like me. Somehow in my life, I have passed ultimate control of my existence to my wife, Wendy. She does the banking, she pays the bills, buys the groceries, and just about every other thing you can imagine. I don't know how it happened, but somewhere in life I should have learned to take control of things, but never did.
I probably couldn't force myself to correctly balance the checkbook, or pay the bills on time, or any of the other things that qualify a person as a “responsible adult.”
So I openly admit that without Wendy at my side, I would definitely be a total f@*k up, just like the person I was referring to earlier. Without her to guide my life, I'm sure I would be a lazy, worthless man, drifting though life sponging off of one relative after another.
I really don't have any method of knowing if my assumption is correct, and hopefully I'll never have to find out. But perhaps it's time for me to actually try to take some sort of small role in the direction of my family. Maybe just baby steps at first.... if I can even handle that.
I guess what I am saying is the old adage “Behind every great man, is a woman.” is true, at least in my case. But maybe it should be reworded to “Behind this mediocre dude named Derek, is an awesome wife named Wendy.”
|
|
Monday, March 10, 2008
Random things that I have learned over time.
True friends are few and far between. Treasure them as you would your most valuable possessions.
No matter how good you are at something, there is a person out there who can make you look incompetent.
The internet can hurt your feelings
No matter what the topic you are passionate about, most people really won't care.
Peace is only what we humans call the brief rest in-between wars.
50% of life is tied to luck, the other 50% is just something involving macaroni and cheese
|
|
Friday, March 7, 2008
|
|
Thursday, March 6, 2008
E. Gary Gygax has 0 hit points. Misses saving throw versus aneurism.
A little bit of my inner geek died earlier this week when I heard the news of E. Gary Gygax's death. Who is he, you might be asking? Mr. Gygax was the creator of a game that I used to play called Dungeons and Dragons.
Yes, I was and still am quite the geek. I played the game for hours on end when I was in the Marine Corps and stuck aboard a ship for weeks at a time. So thanks to Gygax for inventing something that let me be creative and keep me entertained while I was floating around on the ocean.
This was in the days of Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt, so we didn't really have access to the violence like todays kids do. No, if we wanted to play a game where you beat people up or chopped off monster heads, we were pretty limited. We didn't have Grand Theft Auto or Halo 3 back then. Hell, we didn't even have Doom!
We had some violent games though, Contra comes to mind, but how much wanton destruction can you really cause with a controller that only has two buttons?! So if we wanted graphic violence, horrible beasts, and gratuitous sex, there weren't many options aside from D&D.
So thanks for the years of hacking, bloodshed, and memories, Mr. Gygax. Geeks from around the world will surely miss you.
|
|
|
|
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Use it.
You may not have noticed, but I have added an email address in addition to the link at the bottom of each post. I did this for the sole purpose of giving you guys who use web-browser email a way to contact me. I know it's nothing fancy, but you can cut and paste the address into your email and leave me a message. Don't make me come after you and the Skids, Captain Alex! Yeah, that's right Skiddis, he rats you out all of the friggin' time!
|
|
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Don't picture it.
My daughter and I have a new game that we play called "Random," The rules are that one person can interrupt the other and require them to say something random. For instance, she may interrupt me in mid sentence by saying "Random Word" and then I would have to say the first random word that comes to mind.
Aside from "Random Word", we also have "Random Phrase" "Random Adjective" and "Random Name" in our repertoire.
So late last night, we were playing the game while KG3 was sleeping on the couch and Wendy and I were sleeping on the floor (see yesterdays post) and I was hit with "Random Word."
Me: "Eligible"
KG3: "Eligible?! Your random word is 'eligible'?
Me: "Yep."
KG3: "Where did that word come from? Did you just pull that from your butt?"
Me: "Yeah. It wasn't too hard until I got to that 'bl' combo! Once I hit them it kind of got hung up."
|
|
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Of Life and Limb
We knew it was going to happen eventually. For the past few years I have been telling people that our neighbors trees would be the death of us. And while no one was hurt this time, it could have easily be the death of Wendy.
There are three enormous trees that loom over our house. Their old branches still jutting into the sky like the arms of weary old men. We knew the day would come when they would finally collapse.
As a matter of fact, for the past few years we have slept on the living room floor during storms and high winds. It was inevitable that either our house or the neighbors would be crashed by their trees.
And today it happened. Two large branches broke free and landed on our house. Both went through our roof, but one plunged in like an arrow and struck our mattress right where Wendy sleeps. If the branch had fallen just eight hours earlier, she would have been impaled.
So we spent the majority of the day in chaos. Not only do we need a new roof and ceiling, the branches broke our sewer exhaust, stretched the electrical wiring to one room, destroyed the gutters, and let gallons upon gallons of water into our attic, ceilings, and walls. Yay mold!
That's not even counting the damage to our $1500 mattress, pillows, carpet, etc. I guess we need to look at it in a positive way, i.e. no one was hurt. But this was just a few limbs from a single tree, and we have other giant ones still covering our house with their shadowy presence. Only time will tell, but I still predict that our house will be leveled one day, and the only thing around will be two gigantic trees.
| The branch that nearly did us in, after it had fallen sideways, and our ruined bed. You can see where the branch came down like a dart at the mattress right where Wendy sleeps at night. |
| KG3 is soooo sad that the roof is destroyed and water is leaking into the walls. The pic on the right shows another branch that not only busted through the roof, but managed to break our sewer vent too! Yaaaaaaay! Nothing says "home" like an attic that smells like poop. |
| An outside view of the branch. |
| Since there was so much ice on the roof, the contractors had to use a forklift to remove the branch so they wouldn't fall. The pic on the right shows parts of the branch and the ruts made by the forklift. Should we fill them in? Probably. But I'm considering leaving them and just referring to them as our new "double ditch" system! I really doubt Wendy will go for it though. |
|
|
Monday, March 3, 2008
Inked
Last week my friend Sioux asked me to draw a Super-Girl logo for her tattoo. She's been going through some pretty rough times in the past months and was wanting to get something to remind her that she can be strong and persevere through anything.
I said ""yes" of course; it's not often that someone trusts you enough to put a piece of your artwork on their body. I wanted to give her a drawing that looked "super" but still had somewhat of a "girlie" feel to it. So I came up with the drawing below, thinking that it was going to be one of those tattoos that go across the lower back - aka a "Tramp Stamp."
Sioux then let me know that if I ever called her tattoo a "tramp stamp" that I would die. She modified the drawing to fit the area she wanted and it looks super.
So here is the original "Tramp Stamp" version along with a couple of pics of her final work.
|
|
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Trash Dragon.
A few weeks ago I discovered a website that has literally thousands of free models that you can download and build. Not models like Adrian Curry, I mean models like cars, trains, giant robots, and monsters! the cool thing about them is that aside from being giant robots and monsters fer cryin' out loud, is that they are constructed entirely out of paper.
For those of you who don't already know it, I have always been fascinated with manipulating paper. There's few things that I enjoy more than disassembling complex packages to learn how they are built. I used to have a blast deconstructing movie displays when I worked at Broadway Video years ago.
|
|
So anyway, I've been spending hours and hours working on a paper model of a Chinese Dragon for the past two weeks. I'm not sure exactly how many hours I have put into it, but I'm guessing its around 10 or so. I worked on the blasted thing until my fingers were getting blistered from the xacto knife, and my hands were covered in glue.
It was looking so cool, too! It was an undulating green behemoth that was nearly two feet long and over a foot tall. And it was complete other than gluing the front and back halves together. Therein lied the problem! No matter what I did, I couldn't get the two halves to stay glued together. The weight of the paper tore them apart every time I glued them. I tried everything, including clamps, but nothing held.
So in a fit of frustration, I finally crushed the whole thing and threw it in the trash! Maybe I'll try it again using lighter paper....... Maybe.
Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule or email me at madhaus32@gmail.com
|
|
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Sole Survivor
I always thought Chuck Norris was the baddest SOB on earth, but I'm starting to have my doubts now. He's tough and all, but I think there may be a new sheriff in town. I would bet that if a nuclear (aka nucyular - to you Texans out there) war right now, THIS GUY would be the only thing alive except for cockroaches.
|
|
Monday, April 28, 2008
The Challenge has been met!!!
Captain Alex didn't make it in to work today and it prompted this email conversation along with proof that the Captain Alex Challenge has ben met.
Me: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa?!?!?!?!?! You're not coming in today? Deb said you didn't get in until 1 in the morning, but isn't that when you usually go to sleep anyway? Hmmmmmmm........suspicious. You're not taking the day off to visit the free clinic are you???.
Captain Alex: Ahh you caught me...and it wasn't free this time hmmm..? Well I conquered my first task lets hope that the picture provided in this attachment will prove myself to the gods. (My favorite part it the signin the background that says best BBQ in Vegas, so you know its authentic.
Me: Duuuuuuuuude. I almost puked from laughing so hard!!!! You gonna' let me post this on my site? I wrote about the challenge on the blog. No pressure or anything. That's friggin hilarious!.
Captain Alex: Well of course, I mean that was the challenge and all...I thought you'd like that picture...I think his chest hair touched my face...yikes! He did look at me like " What the F%@K are you doing kid" it was freak'n hilarious.I always thought elvis ran with more than a 5 dollar bill in his left hand though what a cheap ass!
Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments. Or email me at madhaus32@gmail.com
|
|
|
|
|
Thursday, April 24, 2008
The Captain Alex Challenge
Captain Alex is going to Las Vegas over the weekend and I challenged him to perform what we’ll call “The first Labor of Alex.” It’s a lot like the 12 labors of Hercules, except that there’s only one of them, they don’t have anything to do with monsters, and Alex doesn’t have to wear a loincloth.
Nevertheless, the First Labor of Alex is to photograph himself giving a Las Vegas “street personality” either a burrito, or a chicken leg. In the case that neither a burrito or chicken leg is attainable, he may also stand next to them and walk like a chicken.
Well see if Captain Alex performs his task and proves himself to the gods.
Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule or email me at madhaus32@gmail.com
|
|
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Whats Next?
It’s been a while since I’ve posted and there has been a lot going on. Within the last week we’ve faced earthquakes, celebrated my birthday, and even began the annual drugery of mowing the lawn. This has been a rough year on the nerves too. Between the tree in the roof, crazy gas prices, a potential lawsuit, and earthquakes, this has been the strangest and most stressful year in a while. It makes a person wonder what’s next? Car breakdowns? More broken bones? Godzilla rampage? Hillary Clinton?
It makes a guy shudder.
Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule or email me at madhaus32@gmail.com
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Old Artwork
Earlier this week I found these ancient drawings that I did back in 1991. The premise was what I imagined the Marine Corps would be like in the year 2032. Of course it's a little far fetched, but that's what I like about it. I never realized how out of proportion my artwork used to be. But I like the way that the chrome turned out. I hate drawing chrome!
Click an image to open a bigger image in a new window.
|
|
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Not prophetic
I found this cartoon that KG3 drew a few years back and thought it was a funny commentary on internet culture, especially from a Jr. High School student.
|
|
Monday, April 14, 2008
The walls come tumbling down
Just when I thought things were going to get better, the walls start to crumble. Life was starting to come together again. Our roof was patched, the ceiling fixed, the carpet cleaned. I was expecting life to return to normal after the rainstorm, but then the flood called life returned with a vengeance.
Words can't accurately describe the feeling. It's somewhere between being in a state of shock and furious anger. Its a feeling like I want to punch someone in the face, but there isn't anyone who deserves it but myself! They say that people dig their own graves and then must lay in it, and today that person is me.
I got served papers today for a lawsuit involving an incident over a year ago. I know that accidents happen, and this incident was just that, an accident. I also know that in order for this system to work, people must sue others in order to gain access to insurance. | |
