2008 - The Year In Review

Tuesday, January 28, 2008

On the shelves

This “Butt – Out” tool has to be one of the most bizarre products on the market! This amazing tool makes it easy to yank the rectum out of a deer or “similar sized” animals.

Why did it take so long for an amazing product like this to be developed. Just think of how many times you've had to yank out rectal canals by hand! How could we have lived without this amazing tool?!

This is one product that I hope doesn't say “not tested on animals” in fine print on the box. Because if it wasn't tested on animals, I don't think I want to know what it WAS tested on. Especially since the manufacturer's tagline is: “for sportsman, by sportsman.” YIKES!

Wanna' see how it works? You can watch the demonstration video here.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Karma Smack.

It never fails! Just whenever you feel like you're getting somewhere in life, that thing called karma shows up to smack you down and put you back in your place.

Case in point: this weekend. We'd actually managed to get caught up financially, at least enough that we were going to go out for dinner and a movie on Sunday. We had the bills paid up until next week and actually had a little money left to spend on enjoyment.

But the Wendy was driving KG3 to the coffee shop when a warning light appeared on the Cadillac. The “Battery Not Charging” warning message came up, to be precise. We assumed it was the alternator - which although is a pain, isn't too much of a hassle, and is almost expected to go out sometime whine you drive a used vehicle.

The owners of our local Battery and Alternator shop are friends of the family too, so we weren't too overly concerned. Until we actually talked to him and he said, and I quote: “Derek, you couldn't pay me enough to take that alternator off of that Cadillac.”

Smack! Karma says “Screw you Derek!!!” once again.

Obviously, removing the alternator from the Cadillac that we own is a hellish experience. Instead of being in reach like other vehicles, our car's alternator is tucked way up inside, underneath a motor-mount, stuffed between the engine and the radiator! Go figure!

According to the service manual. Removing the alternator on our car is supposed to be four hours of labor for the dealership mechanic. Now that is downright scary. After all, I know women who've delivered babies with less that four hours of labor. So I can't imagine what it'll cost us.! More than dinner and a movie, I can assure you.

But I guess four hours of mechanic's labor is still cheaper than four hours of labor at the hospital. Yes, karma... maybe I should count my blessings after all.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Huh?

I got a chuckle out of this weird message that was taped onto the overhead projector where I teach night classes. I'm not sure how I was supposed to interpret the note, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean what it sounds like.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Random thoughts on being self-employed.

I imagine one of the best things about working at home would be that you can feel comfortable pooping at work. That and you can dance around to the Flash-Dance soundtrack naked except for some leather chaps and a cardboard Tony-the-Tiger mask.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

A Deviant.

I have a student in my Illustrator class this semester that is incredibly talented! Her name is Megan Miller and she told me that she's never taken a drawing class, but I hope I can persuade her to do so. She has a site on Deviant Art that everyone should check it out.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Welcome to the Carnival.

KG3 has a new perfume that smells a lot like cotton candy. I'm not sure why anyone would want to smell like that, but who am I to judge? After all, I spent around 20 years smelling like stale cigarette smoke!

So this morning I was getting ready to leave for work and stopped by her room to give her a hug goodbye. The door was shut. The grossly-sweet smell of cotton candy hung in the air.

Me: “Are you in there?”

KG3 (from behind the door): “Yeah, I'm getting dressed!”

Me: “What the heck is that nasty smell? It smells like cotton candy?!”

KG3 (from behind the door): “It's my new perfume.”

Me: “That's your perfume?! Really?!”

Long pause with no answer..........

Me: “Are you sure you don't have a carny in there?!”

KG3: “Dad!!!”

Me: “Sorry! I was just asking.....”

KG3: “Dad!!!!”

Me: “I suppose your right. If you had a carny in there it'd smell more like a combination of elephant ears, lemon shake-ups, cigarettes and axle grease.”

KG3: “Dad!!!!”

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Dead.

Heath Ledger died today of what they suspect is a drug overdose. It's a terrible loss, because he was one of the great young American actors of our time. Heath Ledger always put his heart into his acting. It didn't matter whether he was playing a hard-rocking Knight in “A Knight's Tale” or a rock-hard gay cowboy in “A Cowboy's Tail......er..... I mean Brokeback Mountain”, or the evil clown prince of crime, The Joker in the upcoming Batman movie. He was a good actor and it's too bad he's gone.

I'm guessing that Wendy and KG3 will take the news especially hard. It seems like they both drool over a Heath Ledger movie at least once a week, typically that “10 Things I hate About You”, which is okay to watch over and over again since it has Julia Styles in it.

But then I realized something...... Wendy must have some sort of curse on her because every guy that she crushes over ends up either dead, or tries to kill themselves!

First it was Michael Hutchence from INXS, (I think he died from hanging himself while flogging his dolphin – which gets an A+ for creativity, I guess) then Owen Wilson tried to slit his wrists!

Man, the only ones left are Matthew McConaughey and Johnny Depp! Once they go, then I guess it'll be down to me!

Gulp!

Monday, January 21, 2008

It's Alive........ALIVE!

I've been spending a lot of time trying to get ready for my Adobe illustrator class. I've been spending countless hours trying to update and rebuild my handouts for this new version. I know it doesn't sound like much of a big deal, but believe me, it sucks.

The software is so new that I don't even have it at work yet, let alone at home. I'm really going to have to save my money to eventually buy it, but I'll have to buy a new computer to run the damn thing. So I'm looking at about $4,500 – $5,000 all together. No small amount for a poor boy like me. So for now, I am taking screen shots of the software at school and modifying them at home. But that's not all! No friends, it sucks waaaaay more than that. The software that I used to build my handouts is newer than the version I have at home! So I'm opening the PDF’s on my daughters PC laptop, saving the text to Word. Exporting the Word file as a.txt file and saving it to a flash drive. Then I'm taking the .txt file to my Mac, opening it in my old layout program, and formatting the text with the new screenshots.

I feel like Dr. Frankenstein, slowly piecing together my monster document.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Fists of Fury.

I know that I get over excited about things every once-in-a-while, but these medals from a trophy catalog really bothered me! Just what are these kids learning in the “martial arts” classes? It's kind of scary if you go by the images on the medals, don't you think?

My kid was in karate for a few years when she was younger, and it was good for her. I feel like she learned some discipline and was able to defend herself from others her age at the time. But I'll be damned if I wouldn't have blown a fuse if she'd come home with a medal for something that looks like a karma sutra position. And let me tell you something else; if my kid ever got an award/medal that was a giant fist, I'd want to commit suicide!

Monday, January 14, 2008

Speaking with a forked tongue.

Today was filled with highs and lows. Probably the most refreshing thing was that I found out that my Illustrator class doesn't start until this Thursday. I had misread my schedule and thought the first class was tonight. These few extra days will really give me the extra edge to prepare my materials. The school upgraded the software to the newest version which is great, except the fact that I've never worked with the new version before. So I've been going into the computer room at the school over my lunches to get acclimated to the program. Now I just have to update my handouts, which is about as much fun as shaving your tongue with a rusty pocket knife.

And speaking of tongues, I bit my damn tongue over my lunch hour – thanks a lot Bubbalicious – and put a pretty good split right down the middle. Yep, I said right down the middle. The whole tip of my tongue went numb soon afterwards, but it grosser than anything. If I stick my tongue out, it looks like another, smaller tongue is sticking out of the split. The meat sticking out kinda' reminds me of Alien. So I guess there's something cool about it at least!

Friday, January 11, 2008

Three skanks, one cornhole.


The following weird banter occurred via email between The Reverend and I. To protect the names of the innocent, actual names have been replaced with famous pop-culture skanks.

The Reverend; "Paris has a new pic in the employee folder, can you make her a new plaque? .........and let me know and I'll tell Lindsey, or you can send it to her..."

Me; "Send what? I'm cornfused......... Really, I'm fused to corn. It smells disgusting when I take off my sock."

The Reverend; "Her pic after it's been touched up....maybe I should just tell Brittany, I think she may be the one that names it and places it.......not for sure."

Me: "I think it should work now. If you want, check the directory and see if it pulls the new pic. (I would, but the photos don't show up on the macs.) Just a thought: If you're grandma has the corns removed from her feet, would she have multiple cornholes where they were removed?"

The Reverend; "Yea, I thinks so.........'hey Gramma, watch your cornhole bud.........'

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Is that even legal?

I scanned this for a catalog called Valley Naturals. I'm not really sure if the maker of these supplements spent a lot of time thinking about the name of the product. The way I see it, this catalog is probably the only way to order that specific product. Can you imagine calling the local pharmacy for something like this stuff?! I'd be embarrassed to order it!

Pharmacy Clerk: “Thank you for calling Blah Blah Pharmacy. My name is Shannon, how may I help you?”

Me: “Uh, yeah..... I was wondering if I could get a large jar of Leg Veins.”

Pharmacy Clerk: “One moment sir while I call the authorities.”

Me: “No wait, you don't understand. All I want is to get my daily intake of Leg Veins.

Pharmacy Clerk: “You're disgusting sir.”

Click.

Me: “Hello?..... Hello?”

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Still Standing.

It's almost the middle of January already. So far 2008 hasn't been so great for me. Wendy has been sick with her asthma for the whole year so far, and I've been stressed about teaching my class since the software has been upgraded and I've never even worked with it yet. And since no one in the family has been feeling very motivated, our Christmas Tree is still standing in the window of our library.

Sure it's beautiful and all, but when should it be taken down? On new years day? The day after Christmas? Is there a hard and fast rule regarding taking down Christmas Trees. At exactly what point does a remaining tree become “white trash”?

Should there be a specific time for removal, lets say three days after Christmas?! I think so. I mean we have specific days for everything else; New Years, Presidents Day, Earth day, Arbor Day, Labor Day, Gay Killer Whale Day, etc. So why shouldn't we create a special “Festive Tree Removal Day?!”

I'm declaring January 12 as the first national “Festive Tree Removal Day!” Yes sir, I think it will be a grand idea. Unless you really ARE white-trash. Then I suppose you could wait until July 9, the official “White trash trailer-whore redecoration day.”

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Hatched.

Ever wonder what would happen if you took two weirdo girls to Wal-Mart and told them that "two girls can't make a baby?" Well, if one of the girls happens to be my kid, then they would go on a bizarre shopping spree to construct a baby of their own!

KG3 and her friend, whom we'll call "JFB" announce the birth of their baby "Ada". Cutie huh?

The girls couldn't be prouder of their little pineapple.

Everyone at Wal Mart had to stop and admire the little critter. I think most people were impressed by the baby's stylish hairdo.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Best laid plans.

Isn't it amazing how Murphy's Law always seems to kick in whenever you least expect it? Today is my wedding anniversary and I actually had made plans for
something romantic for Wendy and I. The idea for this Anniversary “celebration” was conceived on the way to work while listening to the BLARMcast on my way to work. So thanks to Dana for planting the seed for my plans!

Wendy as no idea about the plans since I kept the whole thing secret from her. But I had to tell others of course, just to make sure that it wasn't cheesy. So I had it all figured out and that's when Murphy's law kicked in. Wendy is really sick with a sinus infection and the temperature outside has dropped into single digits.

So I guess my plan will have to wait a little longer before I can go ahead with it.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

But should we recycle it?

I was shocked to find this tag hooked to the WWF shirt that we bought our daughter for Christmas. Does this mean that the World Wildlife Federation recycles its pandas? Waste not, want not I suppose.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Quote of the day

Speaking to Captain Alex regarding methods of birth control.

Me: "Y'know what Alex? When you really think about it, the only 100% effective means of birth control is homosexuality."

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Powerless

The weekend ended on a stressful note and it's partially my fault. Whether by genetics or by learned behavior, my nature is to be a procrastinator. It never fails that I will wait until the last possible minute to complete a task. Then I suffer and stress while trying to complete whatever needs done at the last minute. I know that I do this and I hate it! Yet I always seem to fall into this procrastinator's trap. I can't avoid it. I simply can't make myself work ahead and it sucks!

This weekend, I deliberately waited until Sunday to begin preparing my handouts for my Thursday class. It's a harrowing ordeal that takes dozens of hours to complete eat week. So as usual, I planned on working on it all afternoon Sunday, but amazingly our power went out around 9:00am.

So we sat at home and waited for it to come back on. And waited. And waited. And missed lunch. And waited. And missed dinner. And waited. Until we finally went to Wendy's parents house for a late dinner and a shower.

And amazingly we returned home to a house with every light turned on like a beacon in the night. It was after nine pm and I didn't really feel like working on my class material then. So I decided to put it off until Monday.

Friday, February 15, 2008

A Blast from the Past!

I got a surprising email today from a Mr. Lloyd Xxxxxxxx (Last name withheld because he's cool like that!), a friend who I've not spoken to since my sophomore year in high-school. It was good to hear from him again. There are lots of friends who I've lost contact with over the past two decades and it's nice to catch up with them once in a while.

Lloyd found my website by doing a search for Erv Coppi, the host of a local horror movie show when we were kids. How funny is it that I was found because of something as strange as that. Yes, Mr. Erv Coppi – reuniting friends without even knowing it.

Here are some excerpts from the email conversation in case other people who knew Lloyd have been wondering what he has been up to.

Hey Derek!

This is Lloyd Xxxxxxxx. I don't know if you remember me but we went to high school together at North Clay. I graduated in 1989. I am currently living in Fairfield, CA near San Francisco. I have been in the Air Force since 1990 and I am an E-7 (Master Sergeant) working C-5 cargo aircraft maintenance. I found your website by accident when I did a Google search for "Erv Copi". Weird huh? Anyway, I enjoy your website; keep the funny coming!

Any chance of putting the "Stayin' Alive '85" book you were working on in high school on your webpage?

Take care, write back if you want to/get a chance or would like more info on what I have been doing the past twenty years.

Lloyd "Eggroll"

-------------------------------

Tojo!!!!

Hey Lloyd! Of course I remember you! Sounds like things are going good for you. Just a few more years and you'll be retired, right?! That's funny that you found my site by searching for Erv Coppi. Why in the world would you search for him?!

Just kidding, I'm the one who wrote about him after all. As far as the Stayin Alive in 85 book, who knows, maybe someday. But I'd have to type it all out first.

It's so cool that you got ahold of me. Is it okay if I post your email on my website. I won't put your address in it though, that way you won't get spammed.

Great to hear from you man!

-------------------------------

hehehe...I forgot that they used to call me Tojo in high school. Political correctness wasn't the fashion back then. I saw on your website that you linked to Coast to Coast AM. I work nights, so while I'm driving around on the flightline, I listen to the show. One night, it got me thinking about the Friday night movie guy on Channel 8/16 I used to watch when I was a kid and I was tortured for about three days before I remembered Erv Coppi's name. I was wondering if he was still alive and did a Goggle search, found your website and thought it was pretty cool. So, is Erv Coppi still alive? Or was he found in dead in a hotel room with his head bashed in with a camera tri-pod? Wait, that's Bob Crane.....

I should be retiring in April of 2010. I haven't decided whether or not to stay past twenty, it depends on what the economy looks like at that time. If things go to shit, why would I leave a decent job with benefits to take orders (maybe literally if it's a restaurant) from a 25 year old making minimum wage? I still don't know if I will return to Illinois when I'm done or stay on the west coast.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

What are the odds?

What are the odds of a comet striking the earth tomorrow? Or that I will win the lottery? What are the odds that I will be accosted by a drunken clown while on vacation in Borneo?

What are the odds that two people fall in love early in life and somehow manage to grow even closer than they had once been? A million to one? A gazillion to one? A mega-gadillion-billion-scadillion to one? Probably. But somehow it happened to me.

Sure, there have been rough times. There have been tears (pronounced “teers” not “tares”, although there were probably some “tares” along the way too) fights and arguments, but somehow we've kept it together against the odds.

Somehow fate brought us together. Me and the one woman who could tolerate me. The one woman who can watch me be crazy and then bring me back to reality. The only woman who can suffer through my fits, put up with my temper, and tolerate all of my eccentricities. Through good and bad, happy and sad, there is only one woman who I can picture growing old with.

I love you Wendy!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Just dinking around.

KG3 went to the Sweetheart dance over the weekend and I was just messing around with a few of the photos that Wendy took (and one that my buddy VanGogh made).

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Try and Try Again.

A few weeks ago I posted a link to a student's Deviant Art page. It's come to my attention that the link that I posted didn't work, so I'm going to re-post it today. If you get a chance, be sure to visit Megan's site. It's full of really cool art that she's drawn.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Monday Morning Doodle

Yes, it's been a long time coming, but we finally get a sketch of Timmmaaa the welding penguin.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Yet another strange conversation.


On 2/7/08 Reverend Ed wrote:

I'll be leaving at 3:00 today to help my youngest daughter with her vehicular consternation. As the Gods will attest, I'm sure to affix my personal script on a parchment in blood, once again committing myself to the depths for an unfriendly, unappreciate, crib midget...........

Relentlessly,
Reverend Ed


On 2/7/08 Derek wrote:

My Gramma had vehicular consternation once. She bled for weeks......and sweet Jesus, the smell was awful!!

On 2/7/08 Reverend Ed wrote:

You can have that removed with bleaching and sanding you know.

On 2/7/08 Derek wrote:

We just used a frozen leg of lamb. Then we cooked it immediately and fed the evidence to the cops. Oh, wait, did you mean have my Gramma removed? Nevermind. Forget I said anything.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Kickbacks

Want to do something just for fun? Go to Google, search for “Find Chuck Norris” and hit the “I feel lucky” button. This is what you'll see:

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Hardwired.

Hi Everybody! Lets do an exercise in hypothetics (if that's even a real word. But hell, if Merriam Webster says bootylicious is an actual word, then hypothetics shouldn't be contested.) This exercise will be a demonstration of the differences between men and women. So here we go!

Let's hypothetically say that a friend of your spouse received some hypothetically dirty pictures of someone that you hypothetically used to work with. Hypothetically speaking, a lot of people that your hypothetical spouse works with hypothetically saw these hypothetically nasty photos. Now lets say that your hypothetical spouse hypothetically has someone send you an edited (work-safe) photo just to make sure that this hypothetical woman in the nasty photos is the one who used to hypothetically work with you.

Now lets hypothetically say that you confirmed that this woman in the photo was indeed the person who used to hypothetically work with you. Suppose that you, being a typical guy, hypothetically asked to see the rest of the hypothetically dirty photos.

Now imagine that your hypothetical wife got angry and hypothetically called you bad names. Horrible names like “pig”, “pervert”, “disgusting”, and “Pauly Shore.” My question is: Is your hypothetical wife warranted with such comments?

I'm a guy – yes, I know it may be a shock to some of you, but I really am. And being a guy, I will always be ready to look at pictures of the dirty variety. It doesn't matter if the women are pretty, ugly, disgusting, or whatever – a guy will want to look. And any guy who tells you different is lying. Want to prove me wrong? If a 85 year old woman with a halter top, a walker, an oxygen tank, and a stream of mucus trailing from her nose were to walk past a group of men, they would still look at her boob-crack. It not something that we're proud of, it's just the way it is. I guess it could be compared to a car crash on the interstate. You don't WANT to look when you drive by, but you HAVE too.

So there's my defense. Good, bad, or indifferent, that's just the way men are made.

But Wendy ALWAYS wins.

Just to show you girls what I mean, men will look at the picture above and notice that my knuckles look like "boobs."

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Wintertime memories.

Its been snowing like crazy over the past couple of days. It seems like we don't get the nasty Illinois winters anymore. Not like I remember from my childhood anyway. I can remember drifts that were so big that I would dig out ice cave in them. I remember one ice cave in particular. I spent hours digging it out from the enormous snow drift in the field across from our house.

I'm not sure why I dug the cave. Nor do I remember what I did in the cave once it was dug. But I remember the digging. Digging, digging digging.

I wasn't obsessed with digging however, because my shoveling was frequently interrupted by sword attacks to the oncoming hordes of monsters.

Yes, I was outside - armed with nothing but a shovel, a replica rapier, and my snow boots. With this combination I would dig my cave, rest inside, then go out to slay wave after wave of massive goblin thingies intent on destroying the village.

Then I'd return to my cave and wait....... for Mom's hot cocoa.

Friday, February 1, 2008

FYI (the I stands for innuendo)

It has been snowing like crazy and a lot of people didn't make it in to work today, including Captain Alex. We had nearly 7 inches of snow where I live, but Captain Alex's hometown had around nine inches of snow, which prompted this email:

To: Captain Alex
Subject: FYI

Hey Alex,

Just so you know.... I've been telling people that you're not here because you got nine inches last night.


Have a good weekend, buddy!


D

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Horror Beach

An update on the drawing. I made some changes when I transferred the art to bigger paper. I liked the greaser's eyes better in the first sketch than in the more refined drawing so I switched them back. I also didn't think the girl showed enough attitude, so I made her flipping off the zombies on this version. Hopefully I'll get some refinement in a few days.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Greasers

Captain Alex brought me 3 sheets of illustration board today and I'm really excited about getting started. I'm going to draw a scene that was inspired by the Rock-a-billy band “The HorrorPops” called Horror beach (check out the youtube video here!) The idea just came to me while listening to the tune on my drive home one night. It's crazy!

It's going to have a 1950’s greaser, complete with pompador, and his girlfriend – a Betty Page look-a-like blazing down the road in a 1970’s GTO muscle car. The car will be haulin' ass at a three quarters angle through a sea of nasty zombies. I want to do the whole thing in a weird "Archie Comics" kind of style. So it can be campy, disgusting, and cute all at the same time.

I also envision a word balloon coming from the Greaser's mouth that says "Hang on Becky, It's going to be a long ride home!"
Here are the preliminary layout and some of the character sketches that I have started. Nothing final yet, but I hope to work on it over the next week or so.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

A Guessing Game

Well, I just got back from Indianapolis. They moved my Step-Dad into a special heart-hospital last night and we stayed with him until around midnight. They still don't know what is wrong with him for sure. They tested his heart with every expensive test they had and everything came out okay. So it isn't his heart anyway, which is good, but they're still uncertain what is wrong.

Right now they are thinking it may be something viral that has settled in his chest, but who knows? Heck, yesterday they said it could be a blood clot caused by flying in airplanes too often. They don't really know anything. Sounds like they are guessing at it just like we are. Where's Dr. House when you need him?

I asked them if they had any mean, crippled doctors we could consult and they just looked at me funny. Just kidding....

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Tub Thumpin'

Geez, will the stupid safety stickers ever come to an end?! This one was on a rubber tub that we bought at Wal-Mart. How stupid do they think we consumers are? Do really they need to make a sticker for this? Everyone should know that you should never, ever, under ANY circumstances, store a child in a Sterilite tub! Unless you are sure to poke enough air holes beforehand anyway.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Lord of the Flies.


After standing at Captain Alex's desk discussing ongoing projects at work, I went to the restroom. When I got to the urinal I discovered that my fly was already unzipped. So after draining my lizard I went back up to confront Captain Alex in front of my boss.

Me: Hey Alex, why didn't you tell me that my fly was undone the whole time I was standing there?

Captain Alex: I don't know......

Me: It wasn't any big deal really, when I got to the bathroom I was like ‘Well, it looks like my job is halfway done’.

Captain Alex: I guess I didn't notice. It's not like I was looking!

Me: What the hell?! So now you're saying that I ain't sexy?!!! Screw you!

Friday, March 14, 2008

Artist's Block


It's been a long time since I've drawn anything. I was going real strong towards the end of last year, but the motivation fizzled out. Let me rephrase that, because in all truth the motivation was there, it was something else. I'm going to chalk it up to artist's block.

I’m placing all of the blame on the actual page of paper in my sketchbook. This was an unhappy page. A page that never seemed to be satisfied with what I put on it. There was something about it that didn’t set right with me!

When I set down my first marks, it was going to be a drawing of John Henry digging a train tunnel. But it didn’t work for me, so I erased it and transformed it into Davy Crocket fighting a giant grizzly bear. After the disappointment of that sketch set in, I decided to change it to a drawing of a little girl. A quirky little girl who seemed oblivious to the fact that a giant bear lumbered behind her!

But that wasn’t right either! Something unknown kept me from finishing the work. So the page continued to evolve, the bear became a monster, the girl a statuesque woman in armor wielding a longbow, until in desperation I erased the whole blamed page.

Blaming the page itself for the artist’s block, I vowed to finish the page in one night and to let the lines and contours be my guide to what the subject matter was. So there I sat with no preconceived notion of what the drawing would be. As the composition began to take shape, I was a little creeped out with what was materializing in front of me. But the artist’s block had to be broken, and I sat for hours sketching out this disturbing little drawing. If my Artist’s block were to have a living presence, a face for whatever saps my creativity, then this was it.

I hope to never draw it again.

Click it to make it bigger!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Upload


Initially I thought it would be cool to be able to have information beamed directly into my brain, like in the Matrix, or Johnny Mnemonic. But the more I think about it, the less certain I become. Sure it would be really cool to “upload” the ability to ski, or speak French, but I bet it'd be like everything else that we've developed over the years. What I mean is that it would be filled with spam every day.

Can you imagine having to filter through 200 spam "brain uploads" about stock tips, replica watches, and bigger erections, let alone the occasional promise of “buckets of man juice?!”

No thank you, sir. Speaking French isn't that important to me.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Todays "What the @#$&* Award" goes to......

I discovered this strange setting in my scanning software this afternoon. Yes, I am serious. The hidden “High Quality” option is turned off by default on my CanoScan8400F. Way to think Canon!

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Not responsible.


Something dawned on me the other day that I should have realized more than a decade ago. Let me preface this “revelation” by explaining just how the thought came about. I was talking with friends about a person I know who can't ever hold down a steady job because of an underlying ego issue. This person never seems to be happy at what they are doing and continually sponges off of other people. Its as if they have never grown up at all. They are driven, but ultimately unreliable. It's not like they are evil or any thing like that. They aren't Untrustworthy or selfish, but they do lack any sense of responsibility.

Note: I can guarantee that this is not written about you. If you are reading this, rest assured that you are not the subject I am describing. But if for some reason you feel as if it could be you, perhaps it's time to do an evaluation of where your life is headed and how you can change it.

And then I realized that the person I was describing was just like me. Somehow in my life, I have passed ultimate control of my existence to my wife, Wendy. She does the banking, she pays the bills, buys the groceries, and just about every other thing you can imagine. I don't know how it happened, but somewhere in life I should have learned to take control of things, but never did.

I probably couldn't force myself to correctly balance the checkbook, or pay the bills on time, or any of the other things that qualify a person as a “responsible adult.”

So I openly admit that without Wendy at my side, I would definitely be a total f@*k up, just like the person I was referring to earlier. Without her to guide my life, I'm sure I would be a lazy, worthless man, drifting though life sponging off of one relative after another.

I really don't have any method of knowing if my assumption is correct, and hopefully I'll never have to find out. But perhaps it's time for me to actually try to take some sort of small role in the direction of my family. Maybe just baby steps at first.... if I can even handle that.
I guess what I am saying is the old adage “Behind every great man, is a woman.” is true, at least in my case. But maybe it should be reworded to “Behind this mediocre dude named Derek, is an awesome wife named Wendy.”

Monday, March 10, 2008

Random things that I have learned over time.

True friends are few and far between. Treasure them as you would your most valuable possessions.

No matter how good you are at something, there is a person out there who can make you look incompetent.

The internet can hurt your feelings

No matter what the topic you are passionate about, most people really won't care.

Peace is only what we humans call the brief rest in-between wars.

50% of life is tied to luck, the other 50% is just something involving macaroni and cheese

Friday, March 7, 2008

Art tools for all skill levels!


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Thursday, March 6, 2008

E. Gary Gygax has 0 hit points. Misses saving throw versus aneurism.

A little bit of my inner geek died earlier this week when I heard the news of E. Gary Gygax's death. Who is he, you might be asking? Mr. Gygax was the creator of a game that I used to play called Dungeons and Dragons.

Yes, I was and still am quite the geek. I played the game for hours on end when I was in the Marine Corps and stuck aboard a ship for weeks at a time. So thanks to Gygax for inventing something that let me be creative and keep me entertained while I was floating around on the ocean.

This was in the days of Mario Brothers and Duck Hunt, so we didn't really have access to the violence like todays kids do. No, if we wanted to play a game where you beat people up or chopped off monster heads, we were pretty limited. We didn't have Grand Theft Auto or Halo 3 back then. Hell, we didn't even have Doom!

We had some violent games though, Contra comes to mind, but how much wanton destruction can you really cause with a controller that only has two buttons?! So if we wanted graphic violence, horrible beasts, and gratuitous sex, there weren't many options aside from D&D.

So thanks for the years of hacking, bloodshed, and memories, Mr. Gygax. Geeks from around the world will surely miss you.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Use it.

You may not have noticed, but I have added an email address in addition to the link at the bottom of each post. I did this for the sole purpose of giving you guys who use web-browser email a way to contact me. I know it's nothing fancy, but you can cut and paste the address into your email and leave me a message. Don't make me come after you and the Skids, Captain Alex! Yeah, that's right Skiddis, he rats you out all of the friggin' time!

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Don't picture it.

My daughter and I have a new game that we play called "Random," The rules are that one person can interrupt the other and require them to say something random. For instance, she may interrupt me in mid sentence by saying "Random Word" and then I would have to say the first random word that comes to mind.

Aside from "Random Word", we also have "Random Phrase" "Random Adjective" and "Random Name" in our repertoire.

So late last night, we were playing the game while KG3 was sleeping on the couch and Wendy and I were sleeping on the floor (see yesterdays post) and I was hit with "Random Word."

Me: "Eligible"

KG3: "Eligible?! Your random word is 'eligible'?

Me: "Yep."

KG3: "Where did that word come from? Did you just pull that from your butt?"

Me: "Yeah. It wasn't too hard until I got to that 'bl' combo! Once I hit them it kind of got hung up."

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Of Life and Limb

We knew it was going to happen eventually. For the past few years I have been telling people that our neighbors trees would be the death of us. And while no one was hurt this time, it could have easily be the death of Wendy.

There are three enormous trees that loom over our house. Their old branches still jutting into the sky like the arms of weary old men. We knew the day would come when they would finally collapse.

As a matter of fact, for the past few years we have slept on the living room floor during storms and high winds. It was inevitable that either our house or the neighbors would be crashed by their trees.

And today it happened. Two large branches broke free and landed on our house. Both went through our roof, but one plunged in like an arrow and struck our mattress right where Wendy sleeps. If the branch had fallen just eight hours earlier, she would have been impaled.

So we spent the majority of the day in chaos. Not only do we need a new roof and ceiling, the branches broke our sewer exhaust, stretched the electrical wiring to one room, destroyed the gutters, and let gallons upon gallons of water into our attic, ceilings, and walls. Yay mold!

That's not even counting the damage to our $1500 mattress, pillows, carpet, etc. I guess we need to look at it in a positive way, i.e. no one was hurt. But this was just a few limbs from a single tree, and we have other giant ones still covering our house with their shadowy presence. Only time will tell, but I still predict that our house will be leveled one day, and the only thing around will be two gigantic trees.

The branch that nearly did us in, after it had fallen sideways, and our ruined bed. You can see where the branch came down like a dart at the mattress right where Wendy sleeps at night.



KG3 is soooo sad that the roof is destroyed and water is leaking into the walls. The pic on the right shows another branch that not only busted through the roof, but managed to break our sewer vent too! Yaaaaaaay! Nothing says "home" like an attic that smells like poop.


An outside view of the branch.


Since there was so much ice on the roof, the contractors had to use a forklift to remove the branch so they wouldn't fall. The pic on the right shows parts of the branch and the ruts made by the forklift. Should we fill them in? Probably. But I'm considering leaving them and just referring to them as our new "double ditch" system! I really doubt Wendy will go for it though.


Monday, March 3, 2008

Inked

Last week my friend Sioux asked me to draw a Super-Girl logo for her tattoo. She's been going through some pretty rough times in the past months and was wanting to get something to remind her that she can be strong and persevere through anything.

I said ""yes" of course; it's not often that someone trusts you enough to put a piece of your artwork on their body. I wanted to give her a drawing that looked "super" but still had somewhat of a "girlie" feel to it. So I came up with the drawing below, thinking that it was going to be one of those tattoos that go across the lower back - aka a "Tramp Stamp."



Sioux then let me know that if I ever called her tattoo a "tramp stamp" that I would die. She modified the drawing to fit the area she wanted and it looks super.

So here is the original "Tramp Stamp" version along with a couple of pics of her final work.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Trash Dragon.

A few weeks ago I discovered a website that has literally thousands of free models that you can download and build. Not models like Adrian Curry, I mean models like cars, trains, giant robots, and monsters! the cool thing about them is that aside from being giant robots and monsters fer cryin' out loud, is that they are constructed entirely out of paper.

For those of you who don't already know it, I have always been fascinated with manipulating paper. There's few things that I enjoy more than disassembling complex packages to learn how they are built. I used to have a blast deconstructing movie displays when I worked at Broadway Video years ago.

So anyway, I've been spending hours and hours working on a paper model of a Chinese Dragon for the past two weeks. I'm not sure exactly how many hours I have put into it, but I'm guessing its around 10 or so. I worked on the blasted thing until my fingers were getting blistered from the xacto knife, and my hands were covered in glue.

It was looking so cool, too! It was an undulating green behemoth that was nearly two feet long and over a foot tall. And it was complete other than gluing the front and back halves together. Therein lied the problem! No matter what I did, I couldn't get the two halves to stay glued together. The weight of the paper tore them apart every time I glued them. I tried everything, including clamps, but nothing held.

So in a fit of frustration, I finally crushed the whole thing and threw it in the trash! Maybe I'll try it again using lighter paper....... Maybe.

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Saturday, March 1, 2008

Sole Survivor

I always thought Chuck Norris was the baddest SOB on earth, but I'm starting to have my doubts now. He's tough and all, but I think there may be a new sheriff in town. I would bet that if a nuclear (aka nucyular - to you Texans out there) war right now, THIS GUY would be the only thing alive except for cockroaches.

Monday, April 28, 2008

The Challenge has been met!!!


Captain Alex didn't make it in to work today and it prompted this email conversation along with proof that the Captain Alex Challenge has ben met.

Me: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa?!?!?!?!?! You're not coming in today? Deb said you didn't get in until 1 in the morning, but isn't that when you usually go to sleep anyway? Hmmmmmmm........suspicious. You're not taking the day off to visit the free clinic are you???.

Captain Alex: Ahh you caught me...and it wasn't free this time hmmm..? Well I conquered my first task lets hope that the picture provided in this attachment will prove myself to the gods. (My favorite part it the signin the background that says best BBQ in Vegas, so you know its authentic.

Me: Duuuuuuuuude. I almost puked from laughing so hard!!!! You gonna' let me post this on my site? I wrote about the challenge on the blog. No pressure or anything. That's friggin hilarious!.

Captain Alex: Well of course, I mean that was the challenge and all...I thought you'd like that picture...I think his chest hair touched my face...yikes! He did look at me like " What the F%@K are you doing kid" it was freak'n hilarious.I always thought elvis ran with more than a 5 dollar bill in his left hand though what a cheap ass!

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Sunday, April 27, 2008

Zombie Attack

After months of drawing on-an-off, I've finally finished the inking of my zombie drawing. I'm planning on eventually coloring it digitally and i think it will make a world of difference.

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Thursday, April 24, 2008

The Captain Alex Challenge

Captain Alex is going to Las Vegas over the weekend and I challenged him to perform what we’ll call “The first Labor of Alex.” It’s a lot like the 12 labors of Hercules, except that there’s only one of them, they don’t have anything to do with monsters, and Alex doesn’t have to wear a loincloth.

Nevertheless, the First Labor of Alex is to photograph himself giving a Las Vegas “street personality” either a burrito, or a chicken leg. In the case that neither a burrito or chicken leg is attainable, he may also stand next to them and walk like a chicken.

Well see if Captain Alex performs his task and proves himself to the gods.

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Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Whats Next?

It’s been a while since I’ve posted and there has been a lot going on. Within the last week we’ve faced earthquakes, celebrated my birthday, and even began the annual drugery of mowing the lawn. This has been a rough year on the nerves too. Between the tree in the roof, crazy gas prices, a potential lawsuit, and earthquakes, this has been the strangest and most stressful year in a while. It makes a person wonder what’s next? Car breakdowns? More broken bones? Godzilla rampage? Hillary Clinton?

It makes a guy shudder.

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Monday, April 21, 2008

Pumped

I ran across this old photo of the Village Pump. It’s a busy place...... I wonder why. Do you think their slogan is - The Village Pump: buy beer, eat food and liquor.

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Friday, April 18, 2008

Deep thoughts, by Captain Alex

Captain Alex: “Wouldn’t it be ironic if your name was Joy and you had a depression problem?”

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Thursday, April 17, 2008

After dining in a Mexican Restaurant


Captain Alex: Boy, I like the food but I don’t really like the repercussions.

Me: Yeah, I think it’s more of the percussions that bothers me.

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Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Old Artwork

Earlier this week I found these ancient drawings that I did back in 1991. The premise was what I imagined the Marine Corps would be like in the year 2032. Of course it's a little far fetched, but that's what I like about it. I never realized how out of proportion my artwork used to be. But I like the way that the chrome turned out. I hate drawing chrome!

Click an image to open a bigger image in a new window.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Not prophetic

I found this cartoon that KG3 drew a few years back and thought it was a funny commentary on internet culture, especially from a Jr. High School student.

Monday, April 14, 2008

The walls come tumbling down

Just when I thought things were going to get better, the walls start to crumble. Life was starting to come together again. Our roof was patched, the ceiling fixed, the carpet cleaned. I was expecting life to return to normal after the rainstorm, but then the flood called life returned with a vengeance.

Words can't accurately describe the feeling. It's somewhere between being in a state of shock and furious anger. Its a feeling like I want to punch someone in the face, but there isn't anyone who deserves it but myself! They say that people dig their own graves and then must lay in it, and today that person is me.

I got served papers today for a lawsuit involving an incident over a year ago. I know that accidents happen, and this incident was just that, an accident. I also know that in order for this system to work, people must sue others in order to gain access to insurance. But that doesn't make it feel any better. I feel like my life is coming to an end. I know that I am blowing things out of perspective, but that's how my mind works.

I assumed this day was coming, so why am I so distraught? Why do I feel aggression welling up like flood waters at a dam? What can I do to keep this dam from bursting? How do I keep New Orleans from flooding? Hold my breath? Tread water? Re enforce the dam with Quickcrete?

A snorkel. Yes, a snorkel. I shall breathe slowly and deeply through a snorkel. If it's true that “Life's a bitch”, then I have a message for her.

Flood my life now, bitch! I have a snorkel.

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Sunday, April 13, 2008

Amidst Chaos

I found a bunch of old drawings when I was cleaning my office over the weekend. This one in particular stood out in my head as being crazy to look at. Obviously I had no idea of composition back in the days when I did this, and the title, "Amidst Chaos," is absolutely fitting. This drawing was done back in 1991 while floating on a ship across the Mediterranean. Hey, I was a jarhead back then, I didn't have to think about things like composition and clarity! Click the pic for a larger version.

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Thursday, April 10, 2008

Letters. We get letters.

The following email came Skidis regarding the April 2nd post.

Skidis writes: Skidis only has ONE "d" in it ddamnit!

Doh! Sorry about that Erin. I'll try to get your name right from now on.

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Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Deconstruction

The time has finally come. Yes, the day that we've been waiting to arrive for over a month has finally arrived. We are getting our ceiling fixed! That means no more sleeping on the living room floor. No more sharing a room with our kid. No more tripping over the mattress to turn on the Playstation. More privacy, more access to our closet, and more bom-chicka-bow-bow.

The unfortunate side effects to this home repair is that our entire bedroom must be emptied before they can begin. As luck would have it, our ceiling is coated with a blown on texture that has to be completely scraped off before patching the hole. It's going to look like a snowstorm in there, so everything must come out. Last night we went through our belongings and it spurred us into a “weeding out” ceremony where we tossed out stuff that we would have kept until Jesus came home.

I narrowed my clothing down to 25 shirts, throwing away probably 40, and Wendy cleaned out clothing and sheets that I didn't even realize that we had. It was hard to do, but it felt refreshing in some sick, sad way. I know we should have donated it to charity. We've intended on doing that for years, but it never happens.
And it felt soooooo good to throw perfectly good things away for no real reason. It's probably a sin, but if that is what keeps me out of heaven, then somebody at the pearly gates hasn't been keeping score very well.

Indiscriminate tossing! (and not the kind that Captain Alex does, by the way) Maybe that will be my new addiction. Throwing things away at random. Hmmmmm, sounds interesting.

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Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Letters. We get letters.

The following email came from my buddy Megan (check out her photography site here) regarding the April 8th post.

Megan writes:

I gotta say... I may not have entirely gotten your conversation, but that video is F#$@-ing hilarious!

I will now be able to use $250 worth of Photoshop thanks to that video!

Thanks Derek, you're such a super hero!


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Monday, April 7, 2008

To a deluxe apartment in the sky

Heh, heh, heh. I think moved on up. Google “Walmart candy dish” and see who's site comes before Walmart! Bwa ha ha ha ha!!!!

Friday, April 4, 2008

Back in the day

I made an internet discovery last night that hearkens me back to a simpler time in my life. Something that brought me back to a time before bills, work, and sickness. A time when becoming a year older was a good thing. When getting stuck outside in a rainstorm was considered a blessing. When going over an obstacle was preferable to going around it. When ”playing ball” had nothing to do with conforming to other peoples expectations.

As a youngster, probably around the age of nine, I would spend hours upon hours sitting in the living room floor drawing while I listened to an assortment of records. These were the days before cable TV, and many of my “stay indoor” days were spent listening to these records. I had Spider Man, one called Holo-man, a Captain America, and one of ghost stories. I'm sure there were others, but those come immediately to mind. I learned them word for word, able to recite entire albums as well as the actor themselves.

I'm not sure what spurred me to look for one of these records, but I somehow stumbled upon a youTube video of the record and its accompanying storybook. Once I realized that these things were out there, I discovered entire websites devoted to these and other obscure little audio stories.

So I'll be downloading them soon, hoping to bring back those days of childhood. Click here to check out the website that has them for download.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Too deep for all but the super-duper design geeks

If you don't happen to be a graphic designer and a super sci-fi geek, you might as well stop reading here. You wont get the following e-conversation. If you think you are both of these, yet still don't understand, don't feel too bad. You must not be the geek you thought you were. If you are one of the people who DO understand this, you might as well give it up. The world doesn't really like people like you.

Here goes! I sent a photo of a Corvette with a bright sunburst in the corner to the rest of the creative department where I work, and this is what followed:


Me: Found this shot and thought it was cropped really cool. Nothing fancy about the shot itself, but the angle really got my attention. Figured I'd share it.

Reverend Ed: Awesome shot. More and more of this 'over power the sun' thing out there. It's a really powerful technique I was playing with (and failing at) Saturday. I'll get it eventually though...........

(long winded observation follows, stop reading here if you've got better things to do.......)

The key is to set the desired exposure of the sky on the camera (ie, into the sun on this shot it's probably like f/22) which would leave the foreground object (the car in this case) greatly underexposed (probably solid black). You then adjust your strobes for the exposure you desire on the foreground object. Of course, at f/22 you're going to have to throw some serious light at it so it takes some pretty heavy equipment to do it..........

It's really worth it though as witnessed by that shot. Thanks!

Me: Jesus, dude! Why not just Photoshop it?! Sheesh........

Reverend Ed: you suck at photoshop donny

Me: Yeah, I only use $75 dollars of Photoshop.

Reverend Ed: I heard albert einstein used almost 80% of inDesign to design the brochures for the manhatten project

Me: The manhatten project? I thought it was the Philadelphia Experiment?! I heard he used 80% of inDesign, but then it mysteriously disappeared into thin air. When it reappeared five minutes later, it had risen to 93%!

See? I told you that you wouldn't get it! Unless your Skiddis. I bet Skiddis got it, didn't you?!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Overheard at Lunch

I was standing beside a guy at a Subway restaurant when he was asked what kind of cheese he wanted on his sandwich.

“Shredded.” he replied. “Shredded like the dreams of a man who has raised four children.”

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Zombie Update

I've been spending upwards of two hours per night on my retro-zombie drawing for the past few weeks. It's starting to come together and except for one slight mistake, I'm still liking it. I'm getting excited about finishing it and adding the color to it in Photoshop. I've colored my illustrations that way a couple of time this year and I really like the way they turn out. Hopefully this one will look awesome digitally colored. Reverend Ed mentioned that I should sell digital prints of it once it's finished! Originally I didn't think it will be good enough, but after looking online at some of the zombie stuff already being sold, I've changed my mind. So unless something goes horribly wrong with it, I'm planning on selling large format digital prints once it's finished. Wanna' buy one?!


An overview. I think I may have overcrowded the drawing, but it's too late now! Let the zombie flood begin!


A zombie close-up. Hey, do I see a three nippled photographer in there?!




A hard rocking acoustic player and a belly dancer?! WTF?! Could that be zombie Jason and Kelli? Nah, surely it's just a couple of Nobodies.

Monday, April 1, 2008

Irregular Maintenance

Teeth. Eyes. Health. It's high time I get everything checked out, and over the next two weeks I'm sure I will be poked, prodded, and probably even lectured by my doctors. It's been nearly five years since I have been to either my eye doctor or dentist and I'm quite certain that won't bode well for me.

I know how important it is to have annual checkups, but we have a hard time affording it with our current health insurance. Don't get me wrong, I'm damn glad that we have any insurance at all – it's just that my former insurance covered more than the new company. I used to be allowed to get a new pair of glasses each year and was encouraged to have my teeth cleaned by a professional hygienist twice a year. But now that those benefits are gone, I have a hard time rationalizing these services unless there is a dire emergency. Hell, I didn't even go to the hospital when I broke my arm until the next day!

But I've hit and probably passed the point of no return. My teeth hurt and my vision is blurry. Not good traits for a guy who draws all day and likes to eat. No, it's time to get fixed, and I'm not referring to a vasectomy (much to Wendy's chagrin).

Maybe by the end of next week I'll be clear-eyed, have a white smile, and feel healthy. I just hope my new doctor doesn't want to stick his finger in my butt. At least not without dinner first.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

The results for March are in!

I've upgraded my stat counter tracking on my website. Now I'm able to keep up with five times the visitors as I used to and it makes it much, much easier to keep track things. Since it is simpler to view my hits, I'm going to try and resume a little feature that I did a few years back and post all of the bizarre search terms that have been used to find a page on my website.

I'm going to try and post these on the first of each month, showing all of the bizarre terms from the previous month. It's going to be funny, strange and maybe a little bit scary sometimes. So here is the first installment which covers last month from the 19th until the 31st:

www.google.com: is a foot massage on the first date to fast
search.msn.com: Are cigarettes bought from Indians safe
www.google.com: Make up songs and sing them to me
search.live.com: easterplays for teenager
www.google.ro: desktop kitte
images.google.com: i_am_the_batman
search.yahoo.com: skin face soak
google.com: aerial demon what is
google.com: Jesus name car window optical illusion
www.google.com: planarian cartoon
aim.search.aol.com: Flattop Haircuts
ask.com: Sell a Testicle to Science
google.co.nz: puss in boots licking himself picture
google.com: won't clog pores
google.co.in: youporn sylvester
search.msn.com: sayings for gravestones
google.com: cheap gun props
search.live.com: aus trailing sexy
www.google.com: aftershave that won't clog pores
search.yahoo.com: skin face soak
search.yahoo.com: hootspa
www.google.com: glowing al
search.msn.com: the hind lick manuever
search.yahoo.com: how to make wood signs
www.google.com: cause of anal discharge
www.google.com: cheap working prop guns
search.yahoo.com: what are matches box made of- flame
www.google.com: diary of a fool film
images.google.es: brats-bear
www.google.co.uk: texturing your own head
search.yahoo.com: instructions on how to make a bookshelf
search.live.com: pictures of girls in dirty jeans
search.msn.com: hairless sasquatc
www.google.com: zombie coat of arms
search.yahoo.com: how to make color brown paint
search.msn.com: Helicopter pictures or people Swimming with sharks
www.google.com: Cars Bopossum
www.google.com: zmax burning oil
www.google.com.au: karmatism
www.google.co: wyona ryder
www.google.com: kitten meowing mp3
www.google.com: walmart box fan
www.google.co.uk: cricket player latex masks
search.live.com: DOG MASKS
www.google.com: fan blowing flames
search.msn.com: downtown mesa
search.yahoo.com: doesn't play well with others
search.yahoo.com: 1 eye alien doll
www.google.com: have you ever m@sturb@ted in public
search.live.com: tramp stamp tattoo photos
ww.google.com: s@x with cucumbers
search.yahoo.com: halloween claw building instructions
search.yahoo.com: body sraypaint
www.google.com.bd: pictures of lonely mothers
www.google.se: how to paint death skulls
www.google.ch: papermodel dragon
www.google.com: clog pores crotch
search.msn.com: girls peeing in jeans
search.msn.com: lower tat
www.google.com: styrofoam shoes
search.yahoo.com: ford town usa

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Road Trip

Yikes! Today was the first day of our big car show and it always makes for a long day. After work I met up with Kelli and Jason and went with them on a road tour. It was really fun and we got to know each other better. Afterwards we ate some barbeque, listened to some music, and sipped a couple of beers.

Jason and I chilled, Kelli burnt her boobs, and the kids frollicked. Great time!

And on the family note, Wendy’s sister and her family arrived today from Idaho. I’m sure we’ll be spending a bunch of time with them over the next few days.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Nobody in particular

The family and I went to dinner tonight with Jason, Kelli and their kids. We had an awesome time just chatting over greasy food and ice cream. Sounds pretty typical, right? It was, if you overlook the fact that we've never really met them before. Jason and Kelli are the stars of "The Nobodies" show.

We had an awesome time! We laughed a lot. And I mean A LOT as we got to know each other. I felt like I already knew them pretty well from their show, but Wendy had never listened since podcasting isn't really her "thing."

The dinner ended up lasting a few hours even though it seemed like half that time. I think we made new friends.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008




Unhiding

I’m not a writer. My sentence structure sucks, my spelling is horrible, and I can be hard to understand. That being said, I expect others to have better English skills than I possess and can be disappointed when they don’t. Call me critical of others. I admit it. So you can imagine my disappointment when I ran across an “Unhide” option in Microsoft Excel.

I mean, it’s not like Microsoft is a big company with proofreaders on staff or something, right? So with that logic in mind, this whole “Unhide” command must have been intentional. How ridiculous is that? Are they so all-powerful that they have the authority to actually change our language? How arrogant.

If were going to go down this road of poor grammar and imaginary words, then why stop with “Unhide”? I’d like to see new commands like “Mirrored Unrevert”, where you could go back to a saved file that was changed earlier, except in reverse. Or what about having a “Theseusaurus” function, where words would be indiscriminately replaced by mythical Greek Heroes.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008




Uranus is dirty

Wendy and I found this towel at the Dollar Tree today. There's nothing quite as cool as a washcloth with a picture of the planet Uranus on it. Yes, there are sooooo many jokes that could be made that it's almost too easy. Regardless, we went ahead and bought one for our daughter, KG3.

Nothing like taking a shower and washing Uranus! See? That was too friggin' easy!

What really threw me off is the picture itself. I'd always heard about Saturn's rings, but I never realized that there was a big, black ring around Uranus. But there is..... at least according to the washcloth.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Nobody in particular

When my cell phone rang with a mysterious number on the screen I almost didn't answer it. I used to get calls from an old lady looking for her daughter Tina at least once a week. It happened so often that I actually started to like hearing the old goat's scratchy voice. She'd always be confused when I'd answer and would ask me who I was, and why I answered her daughter's phone. It was hilarious to me to the point where I started saving her voicemails to play for my friends.

But the old lady hasn't called in quite a few months, and I found myself wondering if she actually started dialing correctly, or if she passed away. I surely hope she's still alive. She was a funny old bird.

So tonight when I saw a mysterious number show up on my ringing cell phone, I almost didn't answer. But I realized that it could be the old woman, and I answered.

The voice was familiar, but it wasn't the old lady. It was a very familiar voice, yet I couldn't quite place who it belonged to. It wasn't until she said "Hey Derek, this is Kelli." that I knew who I was talking to.

Kelli is one half (the nicer half - she may argue) of the Nobodies. Just who are the Nobodies, you ask? They are a married couple who put out one of the most entertaining podcasts I've ever heard. For over a year now, I've been listening in on their daily lives, sharing laughs, frustrations, and even some occasional sadness.

And to top it off, they are coming down for VW Funfest this weekend and hopefully we will have some time to hang out and visit. It must be strange for them though, since they know just a little about me, and I feel like I know so much about them. But we've emailed and conversed through message boards before, not to mention that Jason reads this blog. So maybe they know more about me than I think....

Either way, I can't wait to meet them!

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Freudian reference say what?

The following email banter between the Reverend Ed and I earlier in the week.

Reverend Ed: I just heard a public service commercial for: www.strokeassociation.com . What do you suppose that site is all about??

Me: Dude, I'm afraid to go there because I'm afraid you'll be a charter member.

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Friday, May 23, 2008

Tease me

I'm a real sucker for news teasers. You know them, the little blurbs that they dangle in front of you to make sure that you keep watching their brain-wasting program of non-news. They always drag me in like a fish on a hook with their promises of something great. The sad thing is that I know better. No matter what the suits behind the desk promise me, they never really deliver their rhetoric.

As a matter of fact, they got me just this morning. I was flipping past Fox and Friends when they announced that they were giving “proven ways to save on gas” in mere moments. I was hooked. I stood there like a mindless zombie through three minutes of commercials and non-gas related information. I continued to stand. Brain cells powering down, energy and interest dwindling, as I faded into a television induced zombie state.

The drool began to pool on my lower lip as I stared blankly at the screen. Still no prattle about saving gasoline. And just when I thought a string of slobber was going to begin its slow decent towards the carpet, it began. The segment on saving gas began.

My brain snapped to attention in the hopes of saving money on my gas. I had been calm. I had been patient. I was ready to open my mind to new ways of thinking. I was ready to fill my brain with secret knowledge, as if I was reading the manuscript of the Illuminati. And then they told the way to save!

Inflate my tires with Nitrogen. That was the secret. Nitrogen.......

I had stood waiting for nearly 15 minutes to hear that I need to inflate my tires with something that I don't have access to. What a crock! That “method of saving gas” is about as practical as telling me that I should just “work from home.”

I hate news teasers.

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Thursday, May 22, 2008

Go Toothless

I don't understand America's recent adoption of Bluetooth technology. Yeah, it may be considered cool to transfer photos from your fancy telephone onto your desktop computer. I'll submit to that application of the technology, but what really bothers me is all of the stupid telephone ear pieces that people are strapping on. Obviously the yuppies and ubergeeks were the first to jump on this bandwagon, smugly walking around the grocery store with the ugly phone set clipped to their ear.

I've got news for you people, it doesn't look hip or trendy people. It looks like there's some sort of H.R. Geiger alien is scrogging your damn ear canal. The next thing you know, your going to have some kind of little monster prowling around your cochlea. And it's not going to be an alien, it's going to be a big-assed tumor.

Why in God's name would you strap ANYTHING that emits radio signals directly to your ear? Ever wonder why this “Bluetooth” has such a stupid sounding name? I'm not certain, but my personal theory is that they just needed something to fill in the developmental product acronym. It was probably known around the lab as “project BT” and they just needed something to replace the true meaning: Big Tumor.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Fear The Pony Muffin

If anyone ever wondered if my daughter, KG3 is a chip of the old block, read he following msn chat between her and a friend.

KG3: I've always liked the name "Adrianna".

Patricia: Me too!!!

Patricia: It's just really pretty.

Patricia: Like Gracy.

KG3: HEY!!!!

KG3: Did you know that Adrianna means "protector of corn" in scottish?

Patricia: No!!!

Patricia: Really?

KG3: No.

KG3: hahah.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Seen and noted

This bizarre sign that was spotted in a magazine this morning. I’m not sure what it means for sure, but it looks like “Don’t oversalt your vegetables.”

Monday, May 5, 2008

Bear necessities?

Captain Alex, the Reverend Ed and I were talking about that guy who's been building the bear-proof suit for the past 20 years or so. I've seen him demonstrate it on television numerous times, yet ironically not against bears.
I've seen him have cars drive into him, wrecking balls push him through brick walls, and Malaysian sling-traps with giant logs pummel him in the chest. It's crazy! I'm not sure why a bear-proof suit would need to be able to be tested in those manners!

C'mon, lets get serious here! If a bear is smart enough to build a sophisticated trap from giant logs, then the trap itself is going to be the least of your worries.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Ring, ring

It's official. Both Wendy and I have new wedding rings. She bought me a nice, new titanium one on my birthday to replace my battered, old, gold one. So this weekend she found a new white gold ring for herself to replace the one that she has worn ever since we were kids. I think it upset her to take the old one off, but I explained to her that even though it's been worn for 19 years, it's still just a ring. The ring doesn't make the marriage, after all. I know the ring means a lot to her, but this way she can keep the old one safe forever.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

Caught in the Mosh!

We took the whole weekend off for a trip to see My Chemical Romance in concert at the Pageant, a small concert hall in St. Louis. It was crazy! We took the train to town and got to the concert around 5:30 expecting to be early to get a good spot inside, but we were shocked at what we saw! Immediately after getting there we spotted hundreds of kids in line. And when I mean hundreds, I really mean hundreds – literally. There were two lines, one on either side of the entrance, both with winding tendrils of angst ridden emo kids as far as the eye could see.

It was black hair, converse all-stars, and heavy eyeliner to the Nth degree. So we began to walk to the end of the line when KG3 pulled a fast one and spotted an empty space in the line of scene kids. She walked up to a group of girls and began talking to them as Wendy and I slid behind her. The girls told her that they had been in line since 1:30 (some 4 hours earlier than us) and KG3 was quick to begin telling other kids not to line jump and go back to the end of the line. I didn't think anyone would say anything to her, especially with Wendy and I standing there. Not to mention that I probably had a pissed off look on my face, realizing that I was going to have to stand in line for 2 hours!

We ended being in the middle of the concert hall, within spitting distance from the bands. The first was called “Drive By” and was pretty good, but the second band (called “Billy Talent”) was awesome. Billy Talent seemed to work the kids into a frenzy and the crazy-ass moshing began. It got so rough that ambulances were called, and the band even stopped playing until the kids settled down. You know its getting bad when the band itself tell the crowd to chill out.

My Chemical whipped the crown into a frenzy again, but nowhere near like it was previously. They were awesome live, and I think KG3 had a blast. They've been her favorite band ever since she was in seventh grade and from what the band said, it is the last chance to see them for a few years at least.

It was a neat opportunity to see a band who usually plays venues like Madison Square Garden, but in a concert hall about half as big as a high school gymnasium. I hope she eventually realizes that her “old” parents went through a lot to let her see her favorite band. Heck, maybe one day she'll realize that she had the coolest Mom and Dad in the world.

These aren't our photos by the way. Cameras weren't allowed in the concert.

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Friday, May 2, 2008

When it rains, it pours!

Our big weekend is coming up and things are coming apart already. I've always been one of those 'glass is half empty' kind of guys, but this is going a bit to far. I intended on working a half-day today, and on half way through my commute, Wendy calls to remind me that my Driver's License is expired!

Normally this would be a pain in the ass in it's own right, but it's especially inconvenient today! We're supposed to leave home at three to head out to the Big-City for a concert, putting us in perfect sync with a dangerous storm system that's rolling through the state. So not only do I have to pack the car in the rain, but I have to sit at the DMV and take a driving test before we leave!

Hmmm........ Maybe this is god's punishment for laughing at that crippled guy the other day. But rest assured, I'm not a bad person, really – that guy just happened to be really, really funny.

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Thursday, May 1, 2008

The results for April are in!

Well, the April search results are in and they're more disturbing than ever! Here are some of the weirdest searches that resulted on someone landing on one of my pages:

www.google.com translucent veins face /skin face
search.msn.com: knob gobble
search.msn.com: belated birthday poems for a special guy
www.google.com: how to look after a baby alien that glows in the dark
search.yahoo.com: drinking water standard log inactivation giardia
www.google.com.ng: 1 ship builders
wwww.google.co.nz: 80's the most peaceful decade
www.google.com: designs duct tape flame design
search.yahoo.com: snail animated gif
www.google.com: blucky tissues glue
www.google.se: henna penna warning
search.live.com: gothic icons
www.google.co.uk: how to make aliens have babies
www.google.com: dementia questionnaire
search.yahoo.com: snake charmer props you can make
search.live.com: cross eyed
www.google.com: wooden covered candy dishes
search.yahoo.com: www.wierd wrasslin.com
search.yahoo.com: demon wing frame
search.yahoo.com: sleestack prop
www.google.com: emo sideburn steps
www.google.com: my ship has not come
search.yahoo.com: sweet home alabama lightning sculpture
search.msn.com: usmc desktop pictures
www.google.com: riding dildo bicycle
search.yahoo.com: what can i build with wire coat hangers
www.google.com: prop eyeballs
search.yahoo.com: specimen in a jar of formaldehyde
search.live.com: warning ma
www.google.com: skull and bones dish towels
www.google.com: eyeball gumballs
www.google.com: walmart box fan
www.google.com: a paper on facial transplants
www.google.com.au: digital art eye ball
www.google.com: why bake a head
search.yahoo.com: creative advertisement for a small business college
search.live.com: missouri state
www.google.com: freddie mercury goat sex
www.google.com: optical illusion jesus letters
search.yahoo.com: aluminum foil art projects
wwww.google.com: matt damon explicative
www.google.com: taking still image of whats on the desktop
www.google.com: alien baby caught on tape
www.google.com: penalty for mob action
www.google.com: build your own movie props
search.yahoo.com: how to make a gross day project
www.google.com: gun candy dish
search.yahoo.com: live clue game party
earch.yahoo.com: thats gross
www.google.ca: creepy old portrait photos
search.live.com: swimming with sharks
search.live.com: fairy costumes
www.google.co.uk: wendy muse greenwood
search.yahoo.com: wal mart dish towels
search.live.com: how do i paint signs
www.google.com: haunted places in centerville utah
search.yahoo.com: how to make a three dimensional head
search.live.com: hard resin chickens
www.google.com: printable drawing of flames
www.google.com: long winded instructions on making a sandwich
search.live.com: rotten tooth pictures
www.google.com: printable drawing of flames
www.google.co.za: really powerful sayings for tattoos
search.yahoo.com: is it necessary to be listed in the yellow pages


Monday, June 30, 2008

OMG!

KG3 took this picture of a popsicle package at Wal-mart. What can I say?! It’s just plain wrong!

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Sunday, June 29, 2008

Gone Batty

Most peoples' kids say “I found a kitten! Can I keep it? Pleeeeeease? But not mine. No way! I get a call saying “Hey Dad, We found some baby bats. Can I keep one?

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Saturday, June 28, 2008

Watch Your back!!!

 

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Friday, June 27, 2008

Google Ads has gone pervy.

I now that Gmail sticks ads on your screen based upon the content of your mailbox, but THIS was in my junk folder.

Semen tanks? Really? Does anyone need a tank for that? I mean, for one, by the time you filled a whole tank, I imagine a guy would either be dead, or the lil' spermies would be tired of swimming.

I’ll say it again. A semen tank? Maybe it’s called the Millenium Tanks because that’s how long it'd take to fill it. Or maybe somethings going on that I don't know about. Maybe all of those SPAM emails about pills that give you buckets of man-goo really do work! I'll never know for sure.

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Friday, June 27, 2008

A theoretic palindrome???

There's a message taped to the mirror in the bathroom where I work. It looks like it's a page torn from a motivational calendar or something.

Every time I wash my hands, I read "One man’s problems are another man’s golden opportunities." Sounds good, right?!

But the cynic in me immediately rephrases it into "One man's golden opportunities is another man’s problems."

Maybe I shouldn't wash my hands anymore.

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Thursday, June 26, 2008

Just for Conversation.

KG3 is planning on helping one of her friends collect parking money during the local Independence Day festival. I’ll admit that I was a little apprehensive about letting her do it at first, but her friend is 18 and a good kid, so I think we’re going to let her do it.

On the downside, I know that she’ll come home wearing the infamous “carny cologne.” You know the smell I’m talking about – a mixture of corn-dogs, sweat, and axle grease.

And while working at the parking area may not fit the traditional definition of carny, it’s close enough for me! And if she’s going to be a carny, then she’s going to have to pay her father a tithe. Not in cash – that’d be evil. I wouldn’t ever ask her to pay me cash. I’m just not that kind of person.

No, her tithe will be paid in chrome throwing stars, Rambo survival knives, and little mirrors depicting Motley Crüe!

I’m kidding of course. The real reason we’re letting her work is that one day this scene will play out:

Three people sitting at an office table reminiscing their high-school days as they eat lunch.

Uninteresting Person One: “I remember being in High School. I worked at a grocery store stocking shelves.”

Uninteresting Person Two: “I worked in at Mcdonalds.”

KG3: “I was a carny.”

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Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Betty Lou.

Here's a new drawing featuring the same couple as my first zombie drawing. KG3 named the girl "Betty Lou" and Jason from the ZNobodies show said that the guy looked like a "Duke." This one is a tad bit grosser than the first one, but I really like it. I'm thinking of doing a whole "Betty Lou" series and trying to sell them as art prints. Comments?

Betty Lou goes to town

 

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Monday, June 16, 2008

Questions still unanswered.

A conversation between my daughter and I during an evening walk:

KG3: Dad? Would you still love me if I was in a wheelchair?

Me: Of course I would!

KG3: Would you still love me if I was too fat to get off of the couch?

Me: No. Definitely not.

KG3: Are you serious?

Me: Sigh, no. I’d still love you......

KG3: Would you still love me if became blind?

Me: Yes. Yes I would.

Silence sets in for a few moments as she sinks into introspection.

KG3: Dad?

Me: What?

KG3: Would you still love me if I couldn't CONTOL THE LEVEL OF MY VOICE?!

Me: C'mon, lets just keep walking.

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Thursday, June 12, 2008

Silence is golden.

Sometimes I say things that stun people. It’s not intentional, but ideas just flow through my head and spew out of my mouth. Like today at work. A guy came up to us and said something that was a blatant innuendo to everyone, but somehow that innuendo got twisted in my mind and became something else. Something worse. Something that made the other people go quiet.

Funny guy: “Hey Guys! I have something here for you. It’s small and pink........and wet.”

Me: A kitten that’s turned inside out?!

Silence ensues.

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Monay, June 9, 2008

More than meets the eye.

Honest-to-god office conversation.

Capt. Alex: “I watched the Transformers movie last night. It was pretty good. I was surprised how much fighting was in it.”

Me: “They actually started filming the sequel last week.”

Capt. Alex: “That’s what I heard! Hey, did it bother you at the end when they were having sex in the car? Because it was really a robot, y’know.”

Me: “I guess I didn’t notice.”

Capt. Alex: “Well, they weren’t really having sex, but they were making out.”

Me: “The robot was probably going ‘Hey! Keep those fluids off of the leather!”

Captain Alex: You know what?! I bet the seat is really the robot’s tongue.”

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Sunday, June 8, 2008

Uh......yeah.

KG3 took this shot while we were driving down Interstate 57. "Red Carpet Inn Welcome Truckers Dix." Need I say more?

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Zombies

I finally got around to completing my zombie drawing that I started last month. I think it turned out pretty cool! When I began the drawing, I intended using pen and ink only, but once I got the inking finished I wanted to add some color.

I've toyed around with coloring artwork using Photoshop and a Wacom Tablet at work and thought that it'd be fun to color my zombies in the same manner.

I wanted the drawing to be fun, even though the subject matter is gross. I was shooting for a kind of "Archie Comics" kind of style when I drew it, so I decided to carry that style forward to the colors. Gross yet fun, dark subject matter with vivid, bright colors. I dichotomy in all aspects of the work.

And voilà! The final piece is shown below. Click it to see a bigger version in a new window.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Spreading Lies.

DJPJ came up to Captain Alex and I today and tried to spread his lies. Well, I'll let YOU decide who was right. The following conversation is a reenactment of the actual banter.

DJPJ: I found out an interesting fact! Are any of you guys scared of spiders?

Me: No, not really. Why?

DJPJ: I just found out that at any given time, at least one spider is within 8 feet of you.

Me: You Lie! That's not true!

DJPJ: Yes it is!

Me: So you're telling me that if I'm in the middle of a swimming pool, there is a spider 8 feet away?

DJPJ: Yeah........ On the edges.

Me: But the pool is an Olympic sized one. It's over 16 feet wide!

Captain Alex: Then maybe they're below, underneath the pool.

Me: No, the pool is 16 feet deep! So see.......you’re fact is flawed. You're spreading lies.

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Thursday, June 5, 2008

Hardcore, or ultra exhausted?

I woke up at 3:30 in the morning to the acrid taste of stomach acid burning my throat. It had been years since I remember vomiting. I clenched my lips together tightly as the stomach acid lurched forward, filling my mouth. It was disgusting.

But I was soooo tired, and I decided it wasn't worth it to get up and vomit in the toilet. So I made myself swallow it and fell back asleep.

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Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Memorialize THIS!

I've noticed a new trend in vehicle decoration over the past 6 months or so. Remember a few years back when every other car had a decal with Calvin pissing on some one's logo? Now that Calvin decals have fell out of favor, it seems like “memorial” stickers are the new rage.

Did someone you know die by choking on peanut butter? Memorialize her with a window decal! Ever have a friend suffer a tragic death due to his own stupidity? Memorialize him with a window decal! Ever have a dog die in a fight with a raccoon? Memorialize him with a window decal!

I've been seeing them everywhere. On windows! Bumpers! You name it! It's both annoying and puzzling because you hardly ever know why the person deserves such a “tribute”. The least people could do is give a reason why they are putting a memorial on the truck. Because in all fairness, if I see a decal that says “In Loving Memory of Joe Ragman. 1973-2008” I don't know why they deserve it. I mean, if good ol' Joe died saving a group of children who tried to play in a Fry-Daddy, than hell yes – put a sticker on that bumper. But if Joe is being remembered because he caught on fire when his meth lab exploded, than to hell with him.

I guess that should be made mandatory to put the “why” in each memorial. At least in my world.

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Monday, June 2, 2008

The results for May are in!

Here's the list of weird stuff that people have searched for this month. Each of the following searches somehow led to my website:

www.google.com: life like alien doll
search.msn.com: twisting wire for a hanger
search.yahoo.com: the smell of ass
search.msn.com: showering
www.google.com: arm a zombie
search.msn.com: ronald mcdonald
www.google.ie: make your own mannequin head
www.google.com: gay people stick vegetables in the ass
www.google.com: 3 foam skulls
www.google.co.jp: girls in dirty jeans
www.google.com: how to build a shead
www.google.ca: build your own prop replica
search.msn.com: how to mix paint to look old
ww.google.lk: wyona ryder
search.msn.com: stone cold steve austin
www.google.com: rectal discharge treatment success story
search.live.com: sabertooth
search.msn.com: box for floodlight
search.yahoo.com: ceramic face mask for wall
www.google.com: food coloring for specimen
www.google.com: origin sayings waiting for my ship to come in
www.google.com: how to cut your hair like jarhead ?
search.yahoo.com: cartoon dolls bases tutorials
www.google.com: how to make a termite shield
www.google.com: made our own haunted
www.google.it: shrek i in desktop
search.yahoo.com: riding crop spanking image
www.google.com: dog pimples fur discoloration
www.google.com: lonely mothers day
www.google.com: cool places to-chill in centerville utah
search.yahoo.com: skinny to fat
www.google.com: animated clipart of kid getting beaten up
search.yahoo.com: how to cover a stryrofoam wig head
www.google.com: sharrington synapses
search.yahoo.com: clues for the game
www.google.com: groundhogs aggressive
www.google.com: land scap designer cheer
www.google.it: aaron man at work photo
www.google.com: captain alex photo
www.google.com: kilo cannon cockers
www.google.com: freddie mercury animated gif
search.live.com: pictures of all birds
search.yahoo.com: the weight of a spider
search.yahoo.com: pearl jam decals
www.google.com: non-comedogenic chemistry
earch.msn.com: hellraiser
search.yahoo.com: yahoo.com monster.com 'ganesh' 07/08
search.yahoo.com: hot glue for teeth
search.msn.com: mesa arizona photos
www.google.com: best vegetable up the ass
search.msn.dk: peeing jeans
search.msn.com: coloring pages filterui:imagesize-large
search.yahoo.com: my cousin julie got married
search.live.com: handkerchief masks
search.yahoo.com: julie got married may 24
www.google.com: upside down triangle with a flame on top
www.google.com: make your own futurama head

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Sunday, June 1, 2008

Gittin' down with the Domkis

I hooked up with Drew Domkis and a couple of his friends, Steve-o and Ryan at the VW show today. Drew is half of the Dawn and Drew Show, another podcast that i've listened to for a few years. Since He's a big VW bus fan (I think he told me that he's owned 13...) he came down to see what we're all about.

I think they all had a good time. He shot a lot of footage and I can't wait to see what he puts out for his Dawn and Drew TV. I just wish Dawn would have come along for the ride. It'd been awesome to meet her too. Regardless, it ended up being really cool this weekend to hang out with all of these new friends who I felt like I already knew.

Ryan (holding the poster), Drew, and Steve-o hanging out in the VIP tent. Hey! Is hat Drew and a blonde Dawn in on the shirt and poster?

A shot in the office drinking a little bit of ice water to kill the heat.

 

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Charged, and possibly discharged.

Captain Alex sent me a ink to this news story about a guy in Indiana who was driving 120mph on the highway! It's an interesting story in itself, but then I noticed the photo. What the heck is going on in that shot?!

Looks like the guy is trying REALLY hard to get out of the ticket in that shot. Good luck dude!

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Monday, July 28, 2008

Elfin Magic.

I did some top secret work on my website over the weekend. Most of it should go by pretty much unnoticed to anyone reading the site, except for the NEW IMPROVED Archive pages. When you click on the Archive link at the top and bottom of the blog, you'll be taken on a mystical, magical journey to a new page. Once there, friendly elves will show you how you can visit any month since 2004. See? It IS magic! And in addition to the ability to look at each month, those crazy fairies went ahead and build a page which contains the entire year grouped together! Damn crazy elves! Now you can read an entire year of my super-exciting life in a single page! Let's just hope that the gremlins have stayed out of there.

 

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Sunday, July 27, 2008

WTF is it?!

I snapped this photo at my Aunt's house. It was laying on the ground near the garden hose and it kind of wierded me out when I walked up to it. I wasn't sure what it was, even after i got close to it since it was so dark outside. I think it was some old paper that had been weathered over time and just happened to look like a eerie old ghost face. Regardless, I'm a sucker for all things creepy, so I had to get my camera and snap a few pics.

Want to see something even more creepy involving this photo? Click here if you want to see something that gave me chills.

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Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Sprinkle, sprinkle.

My Aunt is having some medical issues right now, so Wendy, KG3 and I have been taking care of her and her house for the past few weeks. It's tiring, especially for Wendy since she's burdening most of the weight on her shoulders, but that is what family is for. So while Wendy is busy with medicine, re bandaging wounds, and helping around the house, I have been delegated to flower waterer.

And while watering the flowers is definitely the easier of the two, it's no small feat by itself because of the sheer number of flowers that she has. It takes at least a half and hour to do water them, and longer if it has been really dry outside.

I usually put on the ol' iPod and listen to podcasts while I sprinkle the plants with the life giving "imitation rain." Truth be told, I kind of enjoy doing it. Shhhhhhh......don't tell anyone.

 

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Thursday, July 24, 2008

Coil of woe (or whoa!)

This is quite possibly the worst body-jewelry ever. Can you imagine threading this corkscrew barbell through your bellybutton?

What about your nipple, or worse yet - your magical, pink hoo-hoo?!

Relax, will ya?! It's just a clip off of an ink pen.

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Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Like Marv Albert, but with a tail.

The one thing that annoys me about caring for my Aunt's flowers is the constant barking that comes from her neighbors' poodle. I know you're probably picturing a little "yippie" dog, but this thing is big. I'm no dog expert but this poodle may be some sort of mutant because it's every bit as large as a labrador.

Irregardless of it's size, the damn thing never shuts up. Even a good ol' blast of water in the face won't quiet it down. It's been the sole irritation of caring for the flowers since day one. Until yesterday.

Yesterday, the dog stopped its yammering for quite a while. It was like a train wreck! I didn't want to watch, but couldn't keep myself from gawking. It's horrible, but a little voice inside me was giggling. Was it dog karma?

 

Me: Is that giant poodle next door to Peggy's house a boy or a girl?

Wendy: I think it's a boy. Why?

Me: Because someone's pit bull got loose last night, bit the poodle's neck, and was tagging it like crazy for about 5 minutes.

Wendy: Maybe the poodle's gay.

Me: Well, I guess it is now.

 

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Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Sprinkle, sprinkle.

My Aunt is having some medical issues right now, so Wendy, KG3 and I have been taking care of her and her house for the past few weeks. It's tiring, especially for Wendy since she's burdening most of the weight on her shoulders, but that is what family is for. So while Wendy is busy with medicine, re bandaging wounds, and helping around the house, I have been delegated to flower waterer.

And while watering the flowers is definitely the easier of the two, it's no small feat by itself because of the sheer number of flowers that she has. It takes at least a half and hour to do water them, and longer if it has been really dry outside.

I usually put on the ol' iPod and listen to podcasts while I sprinkle the plants with the life giving "imitation rain." Truth be told, I kind of enjoy doing it. Shhhhhhh......don't tell anyone.

 

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Monday, July 21, 2008

It's all in the marketing.

One of the hottest products of the year is the wondrous Ped-Egg. This ergonomic, skin smoothing wonder has become an essential tool in the fight against rough feet. All across America, women are singing praises to this cute, amazing little device.

But did you ever wonder why it looks like an egg? I bet they had a heck of a time finding a suitable name for the product. Seriously, take a look at the thing. It's essentially a cheese greater for your skin. Or perhaps more like a wood rasp, but for feet. Regardless, its just a fancy tool for filing off part of your feet.

So why call it the Ped Egg? Because the alternatives sound horrible. What other names got turned down? Well, the Foot-Grater wouldn't really sell, would it? And I'm sure that no one would by it if it were called the Pedi-File!!!

 

 

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Monday, July 14, 2008

Mouth-hygiene and me.

I always hated going to the dentist as a kid. I was like the crown prince of cavities back then! There was so much metal inside of my mouth that I'm surprised that I had the muscles to close my jaw under the sheer weight.

So a visit to the dentist to me was a day full of metal hooks scraping my teeth, needles piercing my gums, and an old, balding man with bad breath hovering inches above my nose. I hated it.

But no matter how bad it was for me, no matter how many filling I endured, shots I received, I NEVER had it as bad as the little girl in the photo below. At first glance, this antique photo doesn't look too awful. That is, until you read the signage that is posted.

The Forsyth Dental Infirmary for Children. An infirmary? Really??!!

And it gets even more bizarre as you read on. This dental infirmary cures all sorts of dental problems such as hypertrophied tonsils, defective teeth, defective palate, and are you ready for this..............cervical glands?

Cervical Glands? Are you friggin kidding me? What kind of dentist office is this??? No wonder the little girl in the photo is in such a horrible mood.

 

 

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Sunday, July 13, 2008

And today's WTF Award goes to...

Okay, according to this article, this mascot is supposed to be a whale, although I've never before experienced the great "brown whale." Does it look like a whale to you? No? Then what does it look like?? Really?

Yeah, you know what it looks like. And to top it off, the mascot is named Fudgie! Hmmmmmmm......

 

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Friday, July 11, 2008

The next internet sensation?

Me: I dunno...... Lolblooms. Do you think I’m on to something?

Timmaaa: The ferret is watching you pee!!! Now if you can register icanhazgoldblum.com you might have something good going...

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Tuesday, July 8, 2008

 

This quarter could be worth $50k!

This quarter featuring Minnesota was issued in 2005, but I never really took the time to look at one until this morning. Each of these commemorative-issue "State" quarters is a work of art, but this one made me wonder. Are there really giant ducks in Minnesota?

Looking at the other elements, I noticed that the boat appears to be a standard 15 foot bass-boat, which by my estimates, makes the "duck" about 13 feet in length?

I did some research and found an article about a giant duck sighting in Minnesota, but it turned out to be a large inflatable one. That put me back to square one, but I wasn't about to give up yet.

Undaunted by the lack of Giant Duck sightings, I studied the artwork closer and noticed that this "duck" doesn't have any tail feathers! This revelation opened up a whole new area of exploration. What if it weren't a duck at all, but some sort of plesiosaur, like what is rumored to swim in Loch Ness?

I did a little more research (ie "Googled") Minnesota Lake Monster and found tales of monsters in Lake Pepin. People have reported seeing the creature since the 1800's. There's even a $50k reward for anyone who offers evidence of the monster. Hmmmmm....it's sanctioned on our money, so it has to be true, right? That's proof enough for me!!! I wonder how I collect my money?

 

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Monday, July 7, 2008

Just for Conversation.

Reverend Ed: "I never noticed how many times I go to the bathroom through the day until I have to walk across the parking lot to go."

Me: "Yeah, I have to go a lot. My prostate must be the size of a softball. I bet I get up and go to the bathroom every hour."

Captain Alex: "I get up and walk around through the day. They say that it’s bad for your eyes if you don’t take them away from the computer every hour or so."

Me: "That’s what I do too - just to get a break. And when I do, it’s like ‘Well, as long as I’m standing up, I might as well go into the bathroom and touch my wiener.’

 

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Wednesday, July 2, 2008

At the Lake

Wendy and KG3 gave me a membership to a small, local, private lake for Father's Day and I'm finally getting to take advantage of it now that I'm on vacation. I went with the intention of reeling in a few whopper fish, but once I decided that they weren't biting, i just meandered around shooting photos.

I have a lot of memories tied up with this lake. When I was a child there were 6 or 7 members of my family who owned cabins there, including my Dad. It seems like about a third of my childhood memories are somehow tied to these waters. Going back there is a strange feeling indeed.

 

Trago Lake

A panoramic shot of a portion of the lake. Click on the shot to see it in a larger size. Do it! Do it now!

 

Here's a shot of the cabin that my Dad used to own. It's amamzing how many memories came flooding back to me just from walking around the yard! I also noticed that it's for sale. Any takers?

 

As a kid I always heard tales of trolls that lived under bridges. It looks like I caught a glimpse of this one trying to lift up the beam on this dock. Mighty, mighty troll fingers.

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Wednesday, July 2, 2008

This Weeks WTF award goes to.....

Here's more cell phone photos sent in by KG3. I'm surprised that the slogan doesn't say "For your pleasure."

 

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Tuesday, July 1, 2008

The June Search Results are in!! NOW WITH COMMENTARY!

search.yahoo.com: marine corps uniform belt loops significance
Ummmmmm....helping the belt to hold up their trousers is the first thing
that comes to mind.

search.yahoo.com: pickled alien fetus sale
Pickled? Why would you want to eat a baby alien?

www.google.com: metal detecting middle aged men
Guy 1: "This iron ore is awesome! It's so magnetic that it can be used for a
compass."
Guy 2: "Oh yeah?! My metal is better! My metal detects middle aged men!"

www.google.com: homemade alternatives to cigarettes
Can you say rat poison?

search.live.com: fortune cookie sayings
How about this one: "Watch your back, bitch!"

www.google.com: toyota corolla warning icons
The first one should be "Don't buy me - I'm a Toyota."

www.google.com: make brass thumbtack photoshop
How are you going to make a brass tack do anything dude, it's not alive?!

search.yahoo.com: pal rules on luggage for international flight
Your pal might be a jerk, but my pal lets me do whatever I want. We've been
friends since childhood.

wwww.google.com: computer crime fruition
Come down to Silicone Valley Orchards and pick some computer crime while
it's still in season

search.yahoo.com: the ole spider
the ole weird search

www.google.co.uk: cool looking potions
"Damn, Steven! You've got the coolest looking potions anywhere!"

www.google.com: how to create theatrical hair
Only God can do that!

www.google.com: black bike and car show in greenwood
You keep that stuff away from my butt-hole you Son-of-a......

search.aol.com: young actors with beards
Okay, you got me on this one, freakazoid.

www.google.com: floodlight light deflector
What does that mean? If the floodlight bothers you so much, just turn the
damn thing off.

www.google.com: face hot but skin cool
I'm not even going to resort to an Anna Nicole Smith joke on this one.

search.live.com: were any animals harmed in dawn of the dead
Two were. But one was the muppet, and the other one really, really deserved
it.

www.google.com: no matter what don't look inside the ark. keep your eyes
shut, marian
Better listen marian. The last person who didn't listen had his face melted
off.

search.aol.com: least painful anal lube
I don't know the answer to this one, but I can guess what the MOST painful
would be. Turpintine.

www.google.com: wholesale alien towels
Some people just need tons of alien towels I guess....

search.yahoo.com: glues used for ceramic to styrofoam
Why? Why in gods name do you want to know this?

www.google.com: what vegetables can you grow in the florida keys
All of them, I'd guess

search.live.com: quetzalcoatl pictures
Quetzalcoatl isn't even real, stupid. You might find some drawings or
paintings but I SERIOUSLY doubt anyone ever took a picture of the winged,
Aztec serpent god.

www.google.com: pencils shoved up an anus
I hope they weren't sharpened!

www.google.com: cirque de soleil and grim reaper
I guess even Death likes to watch creepy, gay acrobats

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Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Discovered - My Childhood

I’ve written before about Erv Coppi, the guy who used to host “Horror Nights” on the local PBS station when I was a kid, and how he unwittingly influenced my life.

But what I probably didn’t mention is that every week, the show would begin with a creepy organ music that announced the coming of Erv and his descriptions of the upcoming movie. That creepy organ music meant that good times were coming, and when I would hear it as a child, I knew that it was time to grab the popcorn, plop into the couch and watch Erv.

I loved that creepy organ music. Growing up, I could always hear it in the back of my head whenever I thought of those old scary movies! And as I grew older, I wished I had it to take me back to my childhood days.

I wanted the music so bad that every time I found a Halloween CD, I would buy it in hopes that the mysterious unnamed organ music would be on it. I must have bought more than a dozen cds over the years, but I never found the music. Eventually I gave up on ever finding the tune.

But the other day I was surfing the internet and heard it as a midi music file. I couldn’t believe it! And the site actually listed the name of the music, too!!! So after a few minutes of research, I was able to download the entire song!

The song is called Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor by Bach. You have to make sure to get it in D Minor or it doesn’t sound right. So any of you old Erv Coppi fans out there can find the music too. You know you want to.

The messed up thing about the whole ordeal is that after listening to the whole song, I realized the middle of it is actually the music to my favorite 1980’s video game, Gyrus! I must have played that game a thousand times when I was a kid, never knowing that the music I coveted was literally right beneath my nose.

Go figure.

 

 

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Saturday, August 23, 2008

Letters. We get Letters...

The Reverend Ed sent in this photo and the following comment:

........This is whey they don't televise wrestling at the olympics. One for your wrestling moves page.

 

 

Yeah, we'll name this move the "Beijing Drain Cleaner", but it's also known as "The Shanghai Surprise".

 

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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

It's the race of a lifetime, literally.

Google does one hell of a job modifying it's logo to reflect holidays and special events. I always enjoy checking out what strange and wondrous themes, their designer comes up with.

I thought today's to be especially strange, however. Is it just me, or does that look like a giant sperm cruising through the water? Yeah, I know it's just not me....

 

 

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Friday, August 15, 2008

What were they thinking?

I don’t understand what this Alaskan brewery was thinking when they developed this display. I would think that any guy would reject a girl who is walking around with giant crabs - even if she’s hot and carrying beer.

 

 

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Thursday, August 14, 2008

Evil Plans.

One of the unfair things about liking Halloween so much is that you can't really decorate like the people do for Christmas. I mean, you can go crazy with halloween decorations, but you can't really leave them out and expect them to be there in the morning, at least not in one piece.

So every year I have to take off work to set up the decorations which take all day to prepare, and then tear them down later that night. It's a labor of love, I tell you.

It sure would be nice to leave the decorations for a few weeks, but that privilege is reserved for hokey light-up snow men and spiral christmas trees. It's not even safe to place jack-o-lanterns outside!

The neighbor's children were disappointed last year because the morning after they carved their jack-o-lanterns, they found them splattered on the road. Not cool! Although it's probably something I would have done in my heathen days - So maybe I should just shut up.

But this year I have a plan. After we carve out our pumpkins, I'm going to sit them on the very end of our sidewalk. Yeah, it's inviting trouble, I know..... It's like putting a bottle of gin in an alcoholic's cabinet. Like sending a rehabilitated crack-head to party with Snoop Dog. Like sending Michael Jackson to a dark room with that little kid from Hanson. Okay, Okay, you get the point.

The point is, I want to create the ULTIMATE temptation for the prankster. I want those pumpkins to be irresistible. Why? I want to do a two-step prank on the pranksters themselves!

First, I want to coat the entire jack-o-lanterns with a thick coat of gooey petroleum jelly! So much that there's no way to lift them without getting it all over your clothes. And to top it off, I want to add a bunch of orange food coloring to the petroleum jelly. So not only will they be impossible to pick up, but they will immediately stain the skin and clothes of any little jerk who messes with them.

I mean, it is TRICK or treat after all, isn't it?

 

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Thursday, August 14, 2008

Another quick sketch from lunch time.

 

 

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Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Going Green - WW2 Style

Here's a scan of a 1940s wartime poster urging consumers to "Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without."

It looks to me like the lady is practicing "wearing that ass out" through spanking.

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Wednesday, August 13, 2008

A quick sketch from lunch time.

 

 

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Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Letters. We get letters.

My old college pal Ernie sent in this comment regarding transvestites, his pet cats, and the dreaded chupacabra.....

Derek,

I was thinking of you today. And no it did not involve a midget, three transvestite prostitutes, and lubricant.

Generally I check out your site a couple times a month. Good entertainment. I remembered you had a made a chupucabra sculpture.

Then today on CNN news was this story. This police department in Cuero, Texas claims to have filmed a chupucabra. Awesome. Then I thought of you. It lives. You are the master of all knowledge. How could I have ever doubted you creative intuition of mythical creatures.

Check it.
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2008/08/12/pkg.tx.chupucabra.kens

Minneapolis is good. I still teach. Make stuff. Sell stuff. And pet my cats.

All the best to you and your family,

Ernie

 

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Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Groovy!

Afternoon office banter that occurred when "Groove is in the Heart" was playing on my computer:

Me: "Groove is in the Heart." Now that's an awesome song!

Mr. M@: Mhmmm

Me: I'm serious, I love that song!

Mr. M@: .......

Me: Does that make me gay?

Mr. M@: No, I don't think so.

Me: Thank God! Otherwise I'd have to get a new wardrobe. I ain't picking up any guys dressed like this.

 

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Monday, August 11, 2008

Fist of Iron

I was always a fan of comic books and amassed a collection of hundreds of them when i was a kid.

I was never really into Iron Man, but since the blockbuster movie came out this summer, I've noticed that he's everywhere.

I found this clipping of an old Iron Man comic to be especially disturbing....

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Sunday, August 10, 2008

Disappointed.

We went to the zoo yesterday and I got excited when I saw this sign. But once we were inside I found out it was just a bunch of stupid nocturnal monkeys and a opossum.

Bummer.

 

 

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Thursday, August 6, 2008

Letters. We get letters.

Mrs. Timaay sent in this letter regarding the July 29th post:


I've read the first sentence in that article about 5 times, and I still don't understand why the poor guy was cited when "an Indiana State Police trooper barreled down a state road in his Chevrolet Corvette at more that double the speed limit." Hoosiers...I tell 'ya.

~ Mrs. Timmaay

 

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Thursday, August 7, 2008

The July Search Results are in!! NOW WITH COMMENTARY!

Well here they are again; all of the strangest, most bizarre searches that brought people to my webpage for the month of July. I added my comments after each search term just like last month.

How did dawn micelli lose all that weight?
I don’t know.... shouldn’t you ask her instead?

crazy glue and seizures
Go together like a horse and carriage...

John travolta grease jung
Quick, name a movie star, a lubricant, and a famous psychologist!

Old grandmother’pubic hair
Man, this keeps getting weirder and weirder doesn’t it?

wwww.dog semen com
Say WHAT?!

Screams
I really liked the first movie, but the last two Screams were a waste of film.

Insects circadia
Hey, that KINDA’ rhymes with Lawrence of Arabia.

Put your flame in this box
You first!

Thats gross
If you’re referring to one of my Halloween projects, thanks! If you’re referring to a picture of me, then piss-off!

Richard and karen carpenter secrets revealed
Quick: Name a title of a book that wouldn’t ever sell.

Can you sell a testicle to science
I suppose so. It’s got a lot of mileage on it though - probably wouldn’t get much out of it anymore.

Free clip art window decal of calvin
Piss off!!! Oh, wait.... Piss on!!!

How to look after alien babies
Keep them warm, moist and clean. Pay special attention to the antennae.

How to make my face not appear so round
Try pulling on your skin a lot.

quasimodo “i am not an animal”
You insensitive jerk! that’s Mister Quasimodo to you.

schizophrenics diapered
That's still better than facing undiapered schizphrenics, isn’t it?

“studio audience” legal disclaimer
For ages 30+: Speaking about events which occur during filming is strictly prohibited. Violators will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
For ages 13-29: Don’t talk about dis shit to nobody, yo! Lessen’ you want my boyz all up in your sass!

“rectal clip photo”
Sorry, no comment. Just a looong, blank stare.

“would you still love me” jokes
I dunno.....would you still love me riddles if I talked like Popeye??

kevin bacon , fonzie
If Fonzie and Kevin were stranded for weeks after an airplane crash in the Himalayas, what would be eaten, and by who.

what happens if you pull on the skin on your face a lot
Mom always told me that it might stay that way, but I have my doubts.

what is the difference between a pr program and and pr campaign
Three Consonants and one vowel.

paper made of apple skin
If you’re taking about the fruit, that’d be neat. If you’re referring to Gwyneth Paltrow’s daughter, you need to seek help, right now.

marvel comics mastectomy
What would happen if Jennifer Garner really fought all of those ninjas like she did in the Elektra movie.

what to do with wire coat hangers
I use them to make bats, but some people use them to abort babies. But most of us use them to hang clothes in the closet.

where is plooble
Daddy flushed it.

reggie’s motorworks
Thank god! You need to keep that motor running reggie.

how to make brown paint painting
I don’t know knowledge of this

 

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Thursday, August 6, 2008

Of Gray Cats

Email banter between Reverend Ed and I regarding a replacement feline that he may have for me.


Me: Jesus...... I can’t believe I’m saying this, but if your grandson doesn’t want the gray one, I’ll take it. Our 17 year old gray cat just died last weekend, and Wendy and KG3 are still both upset.

Reverend Ed: I'll pass the word along to the 'cat jugglers' at home. I think they said they've got 3 weeks or so till they're weened yet.......... or maybe that was 'winged'....... I'm not sure on that..... do they grow wings?

Me: I dunno. If it grows wings, I’ll give you $10 for it.

Reverend Ed: Cool, and we can throw it off a bridge or somethin...........

Me: You mean gliiiiiiiiide it off a bridge.

Reverend Ed: Oh yeah.....

 

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Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Alice in Wonderland?

Afternoon office banter:

Office Girl: Hey, that’s Alice Cooper on the radio!

Me: It is?

Office Girl: Yeah, listen. School’s out for Summer!

Me: Yep. I guess it is him. You know, it’s hard to believe that parents hated him in the 70’s and now he hosts his own golf opens!

Office Girl: He does?

Mr. M@: Yeah. He’s a really good golfer too.

Office Girl: Really?

Mr. M@: I think he’s even written a couple of books about it.

Office Girl: But isn’t he the one that drank blood at his concerts?

Me: Yeah, but in the seventies, everyone drank blood.

Office Girl: They did?

Me: Yes, but most of them only did it because they had syphilis in their mouths.

 

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Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Mean Ass

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Monday, August 4, 2008

Old horses - new tricks

I had to run and pick up some medical supplies for my Aunt today. Little did I realize that this little lunch-hour jaunt would turn into a tremendously frustrating journey to hell.

Yeah, I said it. H-E- Double Hockey Sticks. And do you know exactly what hell is my friends? Hell is Walgreens at lunch hour. Walking through the parking lot is akin to the Running of the Bulls! It takes a bit of skill and bravery to navigate through the asphalt lot at noon. Grandpa can't see for anything, yet he somehow manages to drive the car at warp speed going the wrong direction!

Once I made it inside everything was okay - at first. I found exactly what I was looking for and headed for the checkout. And here's where the fun began!

I'm going to go out on a limb and make a blanket statement here. Are you ready? Old people don't like techology. There. I said it. They don't.

The old lady in front of me was arguing with the teenage check-out girl over her debit card. (Hint to old people : If you don't know what your pin number is, don't keep guessing until you can't use the card at all. And then don't bitch at the cashier about needing to use one in the first place. It's not the girls fault that you can't remember a four digit number! You're just making everyone else in line hate you, old lady!)

I know that this new mystical, magical universe of debit cards and cell phones is confusing to them. And that it probably seems like black magic to them, but they have to learn to adjust. Technology is like Merlin's wand to them.

They don't know how it works, and they don't like it because of that reason. Look lady - I don't understand how the doctor is checking your colon, but I'm pretty sure you reap the benefits of the doctor's technology, right?

So the lesson of today is to stay away from Walgreens during lunch hour at all costs. Because we know that the old people aren't going to change for me, after all.

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Sunday, August 3, 2008

Letters. We get letters.

The Reverend Ed sent in this page from the local county fair. Pay close attention to RULE #5!!!

 

 

 

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Sunday, August 3, 2008

But will I have friends?

I hate to do it, but I'm starting to think that I need to set up myspace and facebook pages. I've resisted for two years now, but the damn things are so prolific through our culture that I'm finding it hard to communicate with people.

I've been trying to contact people and businesses regarding a niche market I am trying to exploit.....er...break into, but I can't do it. Why? Because of the accursed social networking sites! These things are so ingrained that businesses don't bother setting up normal websites anymore.

Want to contact the owner of a company? You have to do it though their myspace account.

Want to view company information or photos? You have to do it on their myspace account

Want to see naked midgets spanking german grandmas? You CAN do that without myspace, but lets not get off the subject.

My point is, if I'm going to have any success dealing with these companies, I'm just going to have to break down and succumb to the lowest form of website drudgery; myspace.

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Saturday, August 2, 2008

Sad Day

Twas a sad day in the Greenwood household today. Our cat, Storm died today at Wendy's parents house. We're not sure if he was hit by a car, or if it was just his time to go. He'd been in the family for a long time, after all. We'd found him underneath our trailer when we were living in North Carolina back in 1991. He was a cute little fuzzy thing back then! (as shown in the picture)

And now, 17 years later, I had to put him to rest in the ground. Sad day.

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Friday, August 1, 2008

Googled!

Every so often I like to google my name and see what results show up. It's neat that I rank the first couple of hits, above both the musician and the Scientologist. Me, little ol' Derek Greenwood, son of Karen and Tom. Internet Supastaaaaaar!

Unrealistic delusions of grandeur aside, I like to see what Google says. But sometimes the abbreviated content from the pages turn out to be something really, REALLY bizarre. Case in point, today's search results. Check out the abbreviated contents on the second listing! Yuk!

 

 

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Tuesday, September 30, 2008

The Nasty Cats

I don't think I ever mentioned it before, but we are owners of a new kitten. We've had him for about a month now, but it's taken me that long to realize that "cat people" (as in people who own cats, not cat people like Natasha Kinski) are nasty.

There, I said it! Cat people are disgusting. Period.

Why? Because cat people are cuddling and petting these nasty little animals who do nothing more than piss on the floor and rub up against things all day. Not to mention the fact that they sh*t in a box!

Nasty! Why is it okay for an animal to do that? It shouldn't be.

If I pissed or sh*t in my living room floor just one time, I'd either be divorced or corralled up for the looney bin. Yet somehow a cat can get away with it.

I mean, really - The next time you go to the mall, start rubbing up against everything and see what happens!

And cats sleep wherever they want. We can fall asleep with the cat in a different room, yet somehow it climbs onto the bed like a ninja and lays by our faces. Yes, by our faces! And if it cuddles its cutle, widdle-bitty kitten head against one of our faces, gust what's up against the other person's face?!

I can damn well guarantee that if Wendy woke up and found my @sshole pressed up against her face, you'd never hear from me again.

I'll say it one last time..... Cat people are nasty.

 

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Monday, September 29, 2008

An Offical Interview

It's been a long time since I've done an interview on this website. I think the last one I did was with Super-fan John Schaljo way back in 2004.

So in order for you to get to know the cast of characters in my life, I give you this special interview with Captain Alex - Man of Action!

 

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Monday, September 29, 2008

 

 

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Friday, September 26, 2008

Tomorrow Pinky, We Take Over The World

I took today off from work for a well deserved day of rest. It'd been a while since I had time to just sit back and "not think" about things, so it was a good idea to take some time to relax. So what did I do in the morning? Why, I painted my hair white, put on some make-up and became a mad scientist of course.

Introducing the Mad Doctor Haus (my website is Madhaus Creative. Get it? Get it?!) The Mad Doctor is the guy who's going to visit my house during trick-or-treat night and hand out candy to the little kids. I thought the costume looked alright, especially since I've never tried to put make-up on before......well...there was that time in college. Just kidding.

But aside from the costume itself, I liked the death ray. But Wendy pointed out that it looks too small to be a real Death Ray. After really looking at them, I agreed with her. Even though it looks cool as hell, it looks more like a Severe Contusion Ray - or maybe a Minor Abrasion Ray.

So This weekend I'm going to begin construction of my Death Ray 2.0. Rest assured that I will be taking over the world very soon.

 

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Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Autobot Intimidation

I can't believe I never noticed this before when I was a little kid! If there was ever any doubt why the other Transformers were intimidated by Megatron, the photo below cleared it up. As far as I know, he's the only Transformer who's graced with a mega-schlong! When they said that Megatron was a giant gun, they weren't kidding were they???

 

 

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Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Welcome to the Lab

Great news!! Wendy agreed to let me convert our library into a mad scientist laboratory for Halloween. It didn't take as much convincing as I thought it would, so I'm pretty ecstatic about the whole thing.

Why, you ask? Well, because I won't have to rush around and set everything up in a single day, and then deal with the pressure of tearing it all down again that same night. Since the whole thing will be indoors, I'll be able to begin setting it up immediately and won't have to take it down until the middle of November. It'll be able to be in place for a month or so, just like the Christmas tree is.

But with a new type of indoor display comes a bevy of new projects. I've sketched out a rough idea of prop placements for the room below, but I'll still have to custom build most of the elements by hand.

The ideas include:

A giant floating "holographic" ghost head that people can see through, by using the "pepper's ghost" effect. (Don't know what that is? Think of the ghosts in Disney's Haunted Mansion, but on a smaller scale)

Gargoyles who's heads turn as the viewers walk past.

A full sized Frankenstein's Monster on a wooden slab.
And finally - A big "Matter transporter" box which will be empty until candy is teleported into it.

Challenging you say? I don't know - but it will definitely be time consuming! It's worth it if kids will remember it for the rest of their lives though. Now.....if I can only figure out how to teleport candy!

 

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Tuesday, September 23, 2008

A realization

KG3 must have had an epiphany today and brought it up to me after dinner.


KG3: "I just realized something in school today. Have you ever noticed that everyone's nose looks like a mushroom when they tip their head back?!"

It's true. Try it.

 

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Thursday, September 18, 2008

The embarrassing Dad.

This happened a few weeks ago, but I’m finally getting around to posting it.

While going to the high-school’s open house with KG3, we were looking at the framed photos of past graduating classes. KG3’s accounting teacher was (unbeknownst to me) standing at the doorway beside us.

Me: “Hey, it’s the class of 1968! There’s Grandpa Tom’s photo.”

KG3: “Yep, and Grammy’s is over here!” as she pointed to my mom’s photo. “And look at this guy, his name is Thomas Morrow! Tom Morrow. Get it?! We laugh at that every day.”

Me: “Yeah, but look at this one! Richard Cannon! Hmmmm..... Dick Cannon. Sounds like a pornstar name to me.”

KG3: “Dad! Shut up! My teacher is right over there.”

Me: “Dick Cannon! Pornstar extraordinare!”

KG3: “Dad!”

Wendy: “Cut it out, Derek.”

 

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Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Stating the obvious.

KG3 and her friend Jenny From the Block were downstairs when JFB spotted my newly painted Death-Ray suspended from fishing wire.

Jenny From The Block: "What the heck is that?"

KG3: "It's Dad's Death-Ray."

Jenny From The Block: "Your dad built a Death-Ray?! What does it shoot?"

KG3: "Death."

 

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Sunday, September 14, 2008

BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!

It's true. I, Derek Greenwood, mad scientist extraordinaire, reaper of mayhem, master of chaos, grand poo-ba of evil plans, have begun to build my very own Death-Ray. Okay, so maybe it's really just a tricked out Super-Soaker that I'm using for my halloween costume this year, but it's a Death-Ray none-the-less. Here are a couple of shots. It's still a work in progress, but it's coming out nicely so far.

 

 

 

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Monday, September 8, 2008

Issues

 

The Marine Corps is issuing out a new, lighter weight body armor that provides better mobility, is more comfortable, and is lighter than the standard kevlar body armor. The downside? It won't stop bullets as well. Hmmmmm....now there's a trade off. I bet it has nothing to do with production costs either. Call me a cynic, I guess.

I can hear it now. The new body armor is being dolled out from the Supply Officer to the Marines.

Supply Officer: Here you go, men! This is your new body armor, fresh in from Washington!

Marine: But it looks like an olive drab t-shirt!

Supply Officer: Uh, yeah..... but it's more comfortable and doesn't restrict your movement.

Marine: But it looks like an olive drab t-shirt!

Supply Officer: It's called cotton son. It's not quite effective as kevlar, but it'll let your skin breathe.

 

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Thursday, September 4, 2008

KABLAM!!!

I'm really stressed right now. So stressed that if I were getting a tattoo, it'd be that big, black, abstact symbol they put on aerosol cans.

Warning: Contents Under Pressure - May Explode.

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Wenesday, September 3, 2008

Letters. We Get Letters....

Timmaaaaaa sent in this email. Yeah, that's me with a cat's head in my mouth. Don't you friggin' judge me!!!

Timmaaaaa Says: "Here's my new desktop...but it probably won't last long. I'm already having bad dreams and I'm not even asleep yet."

 

 

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Tuesday, September 2, 2008

It's that time again....

September is here and you know what that means..... Halloween is nearly here. I'm a bit disappointed in myself again this year because I haven't had the gumption to design any major new projects this year.

I started out strong; I was working on a dvd invitation and a method to bring some"life" back into KG3's annual halloween party, but between work and freelance jobs, all of my enthusiasm and creativity have been pretty much sucked dry.

But on the bright side, we got to go shopping in a Halloween store over the weekend and I picked up an actual costume for myself this year. And surprisingly, it isn't anything gross!

This year I'm going to become a mad scientist. Heck, maybe I'll even switch our yard display to reflect a laboratory theme instead of the usual graveyard setting we put out.

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Monday, September 1, 2008

Of Storms and Winds.

I know that tropical storms and hurricanes are named alphabetically, but I wonder who decides on the names? Who ever it is should really start paying attention to what they are calling these things. I bet a lot of people don’t even worry about storms if their names don’t sound threatening enough. I bet a lot of people wouldn’t leave their homes because Hurricane Poindexter was coming. They should give them mean names! Names that evoke fear!

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think they should all be named Hurricane Hitler or anything, but something a little bit more threatening. Take Hurricane Hannah that’s going on right now. Hannah seems so sweet and innocent. It evokes thoughts of daisies, cupcakes and other nice things (like mermaids). So the name is sweet, but I bet it sucks to be caught in the hurricane itself.

There’s also a Tropical Storm Gustov going on right now. Gustov is a good example of an appropriate name. Gustov sounds like a storm that’ll knock on your door and put a boot up yer’ ass!!!

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Friday, October 31, 2008

Halloween Pics.

Here are just a couple of pics of our yard display for this Halloween. We didn't get an actual count on trick-or-treaters, but I'd guess the number hovered around a hundred or so. the kids really seemed to like the "hallway" of creepy tables that we set up this year, plus it helped with the traffic flow of kids.

Best question of the night? A little boy dressed as darth vader asked KG3 "Why do you bury people in your yard?!"

Here's a shot of the east side of the yard, our annual cemetery display, as seen by the trick-or-treaters.

And here's a shot of the west side of our yard.

 

Here are the girls doing a "Charlies Angels" pose at the candy dish.

 

 

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Thursday, October 30, 2008

The reason why our Jack-o-lantern looks like it's going to puke.



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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Park Ninjas.

KG3 and I went to the park today and spotted a legendary Park Ninja! Most people aren't even aware of their existence, and speak of them in hushed tones. They are things of legend, much like swimming pool pixies, and horse stable centaurs. But unlike the pool pixies, Park Ninjas are very much real, and actually come frighteningly close to park patrons.

Here are some little known facts about these elusive defenders of public property.

 


Park Ninjas are skilled in the art of concealment. You never know when one may be watching you!

 


Park Ninjas are can hide anywhere, so be on your guard!

 


Park Ninjas wait until just the right moment......

 


Then they STRIKE!!!

 


They often use the surrounding environment to aid in their concealment!

 


Can you see the real Park Ninja in this photo? I doubt it. It takes a trained eye to spot the real Park Ninja!
 


Experienced Park Ninjas are so clever that they can disguise themselves as inanimate objects, such as small houses.....with legs.

 


If confronted by a Park Ninja, do not attempt to fight them! Their strength is sufficient to level a tree with a single punch.

 
But the most deadly of the Park Ninjas abilities is the legendary "Red Arrow of Vengeance!" Trust me, you don't even want me to talk about this one. It'll make your hair scream in fright!
   

 

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Monday, October 27, 2008

Some facts that shouldn't influence your vote.

I'm still battling with who to vote for this election. I'm usually a hard-nosed republican, but these last four years have really shook me up, and now with my recent job loss, I'm finding it very hard to put my faith in the Republican party. Regardless, here are some facts and speculations that shouldn't really affect the way that you vote.

1) It’d be easier to write a song about John McCain because tons of things rhyme with McCain! A Plane, name, grain, brian, drain, pain, drain, train, stain, Andy Dufrain.

Now rhyme things with Obama..... Yeah, all I got is Osama, and llama, and neither one of them work very well for a song. Not a long one anyway.


2) McCain heard the call of Duty and went to Vietnam. Obama bought Call of Duty for his nephew in 2006.


3) Obama’s Vice Presidential candidate has a fiery temper. McCain’s Vice President is hot.

4) Obama is popular with people in their 20’s& 30’s and People over 65. McCain is popular with people who are 40-64 and anyone who doesn’t like black people.

5) In a year, we might just find out that Obama is connected to the mob. In a year, we might just find McCain connected to a life support machine.

 

 

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Friday, October 24, 2008

Dumped

I got let go from work yesterday because of the crappy economy. I hate the economy! I wish the economy would die! Die economy, die! F@#*ing..... stupid economy!

Seriously though, I'm not sure how we're going to make ends meet. We pretty much live paycheck-to-paycheck and there's not much call for graphic designers where I live. Hopefully I'll be able to figure out how to make our house payment, but things aren't looking good.

Priorities change. Usually this time of year we worry about how we are going to afford to buy christmas gifts for every one. Now it's changed to worrying about where we are going to live.

Bummer.

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Tuesday, October 21, 2008

More Office Talk

The following banter occurred at work. Captain Alex has come down with a nasty cold, leaving him tired, sore, and maybe just a bit irritable. He was really feeling miserable, and that’s akin to chum in the water for us.

Captain Alex: “You and M@ will sorry. Just wait, you’re gonna get it.”

Me: “Oh my God M@?! Did you hear what Captain Alex just said?!”

Mr. M@: “No I must have missed it.”

Me: “He said - ‘just wait, I’m really gonna’ GIVE IT to M@!!!’”

Captain Alex: “That’s not what I said!”

Me: “Yes it its. I heard you!”

Captain Alex: “But that’s not how I said it!”

 

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Monday, October 20, 2008

Office Talk

Reverend Ed: I’ve had and read Podcasting for Dummies a zillion time and just realized it was written by dawn and drew.

Me: Oh yeah? Cool. I guess I never realized that either. I know that they were one of the “pioneers” of it, but I didn’t know they wrote a book.

Reverend Ed: Oops...I guess they just did the forward......still cool! Hey! I have a copy of Podcasting for Dummies if you want to read it.

Me: Thanks..... But are you calling me a dummy?

Reverend Ed: well, yea.....you gotta be a dummy not to figure that out....

Me: Damn! Thought I had everyone fooled. Guess I can just be myself now and stop this whole “intelligence” façade. 1st. Step....Off with the pants!

 

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Friday, October 17, 2008

Tech Support

If you’ve called any kind of customer support line within the past 5 years, you’ve undoubtedly encountered the outcome of job-sourcing personnel to India. The practice is rampant throughout every industry. I even lost a graphic design job because of India outsourcing a few years back. You can’t really blame the companies who use outsourcing though - their only trying to save money. I’m sure it’s nothing personal against us American workers.

I know a lot of people complain about companies being greedy, but much of the time these complainers are the same people who’ll do all of their shopping at Wal-Mart and forgo the smaller businesses, just so they can save money. See the irony in that? So if you are a Wal-Mart shopper, you have no room to complain, and I put myself on that list.

But if you HAVE talked to one of these tech support people, you know the frustration of trying to communicate with a person who speaks minimal English. But what if the shoe was on the other foot? What if we called a tech support line and confused them? What if we called and REALLY spoke like an American? Well, it might go something like this:

Indian: Dell Tech support, this is Andrew. How may I help you?

American: ‘Sup Andrew! I need some help.

Indian: What seems to be your problem sir?

American: My box won’t fire up right. As soon as I juice it up, it freezes.

Indian: I’m sorry sir, are you saying that your box freezes? Is that correct?

American: Yeah, my machine.

Indian: Do you mean your Dell computer?

American: Yes, my computer.

Indian: Yes sir, then how may I assist you today?

American: It freezes.

Indian: Your computer?

American: Yes. It freezes all of the time. I had a surge the other night, but I have it on a power strip. Do you think it got zapped?

Indian: I’m sorry sir?

American: Do you think it got hit? It only lasted a second or two. It probably fried it like a fish, didn’t it?

Indian: Sir, I’m not sure if I understand....

American: Well spank my @ss and call me Sally! What good are you then? - Click.

 

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Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Bad Apples

For the past 5 years, I've been writing free Halloween tutorials for my website. When I say "free", I mean that anyone can look at them and use them as guides to make their own decorations. One of my decorations in particular seemed to be popular among halloween enthusiasts; the head-in-a jar illusion.

Alas, after 5 years of being nice, I am forced to remove them from the internet because of someone else's greed. Early this morning I discovered that someone has copied my pages (as well as a few hundred projects from other people) to a dvd and is selling them on ebay for $20.

I contacted ebay about it to have the dvd removed, but the damage is done. It's not that I don't want to share information, but I'll be damned if someone else is going to make money on my work. I'm also planning on contacting some of the other people who's projects have been unknowingly been sold, just to let them know what's going on.

So the old adage is true. One bad apple does spoil the crop. And this bad apple spoiled the fun for everyone. So for at least the time being, the projects will be removed until I figure out what my next step is.

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Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Changes in language

It’s funny how the English language changes over time. Our slang is constantly shifting and morphing into other things - not only with the invention of new words (like bootylicious), but the evolution of existing word definitions.

Take the word “sick” for example. If you feel sick it’s a bad thing. If a car is sick, it’s a good thing. Aside from these “double meaning words”, we also have words that have changed.

At one time, a guy who was queer was just a man who was strange. Now a guy who is queer doesn’t even like strange. Once upon a time, a person could “smoke a fag” and jst be enjoying a cigarette. If some one were to “smoke a fag” today, they’d be put in prison for a murderous hate-crime!

As an example, I scanned in some photos from an old 1954 yearbook that KG3 bought at a resale shop. See if you can spot the instances where our language has changed to make some seriously inappropriate yearbook quotes.

 

 

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Thursday, October 9, 2008

Gummi What?

Wendy sent in this photo of some rather disturbing light-house gummi candies, along with this message:

I don't think they really thought this one through......

 

 

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Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Gone Green

It seems like the whole world has gone crazy over this "going green" thing. Every aspect of modern business has been plagued by this craze over the last few years. The venerable Kermit the Frog probably said it best when he sang "It's Not Easy Being Green."

So the whole world is going green, energy consumption to packaging, to shipping, to delivering. And what does it get us? I don't know if this "going green" fad will help the earth but it certainly lowers both the quality of manufactured goods.

You can buy clothes hangers at Wal-Mart that are made of recycled corn products, fer cryin out loud. It's very cool, yes - but I gaurantee that my good ol' fashioned plastic hangers will outlast the corn-made ones by 5-to-1.

Everyone seems to be scrambling for more ways of "going green." I see it in almost everything I read at work. And being a graphic designer, I see tons of materials about how to save the earth. The ironic thing is that I probably get 5 direct-mail pieces each week that involve ways to help me "go green." Yep, 5 pieces of good old fashioned postal material. Made exclusively from dirty pollution making machines that chew up the living flesh of poor little trees! If they were really concerned about the environment, you'd think they'd only communicate through email.

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Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Danger Will Robinson! Danger!

 

An office conversation within the Art Department about a new robot that is going in to production soon. Read the news article here.

 

DJPJ: Did you guys see on the Drudge Report website where they invented that robot that looks like a little Chinese girl?

Me: (checking out the website) No. That's really creepy. Why wouldn't they make it look like something else? It's disturbing....

Mr. M@: Yeah, that's not right.

Me: Did you see who's building it? Cyberdyne Robotics. Do you know who that is?!

Mr. M@: No

DJDJ: It's the company that built the robots in the Terminator movies.

Mr. M@: They had to choose that name on purpose.

DJPJ: they'll be building robots to kill us next.

Me: It's probably some sicko pervert Japanese guy that made them look like little Chinese girls! Hell, why bother? You can get Chinese girls for free can't you? Why pay for a robot if you can adopt real ones for free? You can even teach real ones to cook and sew. What the hell would a robot Chinese girl be used for?!

DJPJ: You can program them.

Me: For what? Chores? I could understand buying a robot if it looked like the chick in the Terminator TV show. I'd probably be in line to get one, but a Chinese girl? I mean, what do they do, rake the yard? Bring you beer? It doesn't make any sense.

Because if they just bring you beer, I'd just as soon have an R2D2 robot. One that stored beer inside of it like a cooler. You could say "Miler Lite" and it'd pop a beer out and hand it to you with that little R2D2 robot arm. That'd be cool.

Captain Alex: You know someone has a robot that looks like Pamela Anderson out there in their basement.

DJPJ: They already have those. Sex Robots.

Me: Really?

DJPJ: Yeah, there called "living dolls".

Me: Why do you even know that?!

DJPJ: I'm into robots. I'm one myself.

Me: What if you bought one of those sex robots and died of a heart attack while you were using it?! That'd be awful. It wouldn't know to stop and you'd eventually be ground into mush. You'd be dead and the thing would still be grinding away, going "squish, squish, squish" until nothing was left but a bloody puddle!"

Mr. M@: ................. My god. There's something wrong with you.

DJPJ: I'd thing that battery would run down before that'd happen.

 

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Sunday, October 5th, 2008

Invitations

The Halloween Party is coning up, so I've been working on the last minute invitations. This year it is a skeleton and coffin that will include the invitation. Here are a couple of shots of the design in progress.

 

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Thursday, October 2, 2008

Social Commentary

I was doing a little research at work perusing through a bunch of "vintage" images when I ran across this one. I'm not sure what is going on in this shot, but it can't be anything good.

 

 

Derek's PSA for Kids Under 9:
Kids, if you EVER run into a situation where a guy with a thin pencil-mustache and two open-mouth clowns offer you 5 balls for 10 cents.... run like hell! Trust me, you don't want any part of that guy's "Dark Mystery."

 

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Monday, November 24, 2008

Insomnia Sucks!

So it's 3:30 in the morning and I finally got out of bed after laying there wide awake for over two hours. But what's there to do at this time in the morning. Maybe I should take a walk, or perhaps I should read a book. I wish I owned some boring books that would just zonk me out.

I think I'm having trouble sleeping because of all of the financial woes that were having. I've been out of work for around a month now, and we still haven't received any unemployment checks, They say that it'll be at least December before I'll get any benefits and it's really stretching us thin.

Nothing like having the family run out of asthma medicine and insurance and not being able to afford to pay for it. It's funny how things can go from being "peachy keen" to a downward spiral of poverty in the snap of someone's finger.

The horrible thing is that I can't find a job, either. Finding them has always been easy before, but the economy has really screwed things up for me. When I got layed off, I thought I'd get a factory job until something better came up - yet even all of the local factories are laying people off. So I'm pretty much screwed.

Pile all of that on top the worries of christmas and KG3's 16th birthday coming up on December 21st and I fell like my whole life is coming crashing down around me. Call me Woe. Woe is me.

Oh well - at least I have two legs, right? And if we get too hungry, we have two dogs and a cat........

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Friday, November 21, 2008

Say What?!

I found this ad in a computer supply catalog a few weeks ago. Does this ad make sense to anyone? Just what the hell does this ad mean? Do they make their paper out of 100% authentic fiber made from the pulp of baby feet? Yuck!!!!

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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

School Days.

A high-school teacher launched into a diatribe about how the internet has ruined the intelligence of children. Her English class sat still, soaking in the rant.


Teacher: "The internet and online chat has ruined the way that people write. Teenagers don't understand the importance of sentence structure! Can any of you even give me a basic subject, verb, noun sentence?

KG3: "Trogdor burninates the countryside."

Teacher: "Well, that's right, but what does that even mean?"

KG3: "I dunno, it's just something I heard on the internet."

Teacher: "Touché."

 

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Thursday, November 13, 2008

Even more homo-erotism in comics.

I found yet another subversive allusion in an old Marvel Comic from when I was a kid!

Maybe I should start paying more attention since I never noticed them while I was a child. Maybe they're everywhere but my untainted, innocent brain didn't process them in the pervy way that an adult mind does.

Word of warning kids: Stay away from any guy in a purple jumpsuit who calls himself "The Swordsman."

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Wednesday, November 11, 2008

In stitches.

I haven't drawn in months, and it's possibly been YEARS since I've drawn anything in pencil! So yesterday I decided to take some time out of my evening and create my version of the Frankenstien Monster. Yeah, that's really a hand at the end of his right leg. Yeah, he's really ugly. Yeah, I really need to practice drawing in pencil. Yeah, my proportions are out . Yeah, I know that's when I should follow up with "That's what she said." Yeah, I know I'm saying "yeah" a lot. Yeah, I don't really care if I am.

 

 

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Monday, November 10, 2008

Quite possibly the coolest hoodie ever.

KG3 found this friggin' AWESOME sweatshirt on clearance at Wal-Mart! I want one really, really, really bad! Please Santa?! Ah.... forget about it.

Wearing this hoodie may even allow the wearer to hold his own against Park Ninjas!

 

 

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Saturday, November 8, 2008

This comic book drawing is soooooo wrong.

When I read comics as a kid, I always thought that the Spiderman villain called the Sandman was badass. Somehow the writers of the books didn't really see it that way though because they always wrote stories where he was kind of a third-rate loser villain.

But then I ran across this drawing of him fighting Spiderman. What the heck?! With a devastating "procto-punch" like this one, you think he'd be the most feared villain of all time!!!

I hope that's supposed to be sand!

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Friday, November 7, 2008

Some facts that shouldn't influence your vote.

By now I'm sure that you're familiar with Goggle's smart-search feature, where it automatically chooses the highest search queries related to your typing. But have you really ever watched what these queries are? Here are just a few I found just for fun.

 

 

 

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Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Blowout Sale!!!

Since I recently lost my job to downsizing, I decided that a good way to raise some cash is through a good old-fashioned Yard Sale. Unfortunately, most of my cool junk was passed along to Captain Alex earlier this year. So over the next few days, I'm hoping to sell some items that I no longer need.

Take this one for example:

This fine time piece is a beautiful model with smooth quartz movements whose soft lines communicate an extraordinarily subdued elegance.

The TRUE value of this clock isn't inherently visible. Although beautiful, the TRUE cost is hidden behind it's clear, acrylic perfection and double-stick taped aluminum placard. This clock cost me five years of work, a trip to China, and almost the destruction of a marriage. But it is beautiful.

Lets start the bidding at $3.

Pappa' needs to keep his house!

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