Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Ted's dead, I said.

Just heard the news that Ted Kennedy died. I guess God's collection of Kennedys is complete. Who'd of thought he'd have all of them before he got the full set of The Beatles?!

In a way, we're really kind of lucky that he died. Can you imagine what kind of legislation might slip through the cracks if someone with brain damage was writing the Bills?! It could be disastrous! Government would still fight against the Bill for strengthening our borders, but suddenly it would be legal for penguins to carry concealed firearms.

And speaking of that, here are 3 bills that might have been passed into law if that tumor had made him crazy as a sh*t-house rat:

1) The success of the "Cash for Clunkers" program would have extended beyond it’s original meaning. In order to ramp up the economy even further, it would have become legal for elderly men to trade in their wives for hot, young college students. In a weird correlation with the auto industry, most of the college students would also be from Japan. Yes, Mr. Kennedy's “Young Fannies for Grannies” program would end in disaster.

2) Jimmy Fallon, host of NBC's "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" would leave his show after a bill appointed him to the new position of “Supreme Chancellor of Egg-Noggery”. No one would notice.

3) In an attempt to re-establish English as America's primary language,Kennedy would have introduced a bill declaring that “Spanish” be referred to as “Sunny-Climate English.”

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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

The Daily WTF?

I found this weird headline on MSNBC.com this morning and it hit me as really strange. How funny do you think they were before the gang rape?

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Tuesday, August 18, 2009

An Office Conversation

A coworker (Let’s call her Hawking Girl – since she has some rather serious space issues) commented about visiting my hometown over the weekend and seeing my car, but not me. I had loaned it to my mother who had came down from Indianapolis. She has an SUV and my grandmother can’t get in or out of it very well, hence the loaner car.

Hawking Girl: “I saw your car over the weekend, but I don’t think it was you driving.”

Me: “Nah, probably wasn't’t me. My mom had the car all weekend.”

Hawking Girl: “Yeah, it looked like someone short was driving, but I couldn’t tell.”

Me: “You wouldn’t recognize me if it was anyway.”

Hawking Girl: “Why?”

Me: “I just dress like this at work. I never wear a tie otherwise. In fact, when I’m off, I’m 6’4”, all tattooed, and have hair to the middle of my shoulders.”

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Monday, August 17, 2009 The Danny Glover Award I think I won the Danny Glover “I’m getting too old for this sh*t” award last night at the family cookout. It never fails that my 17 year old brother needs to test his mettle against me every time we get together, and last night was no exception. He knows that he’s taller than me. He knows that he’s stronger than me. He knows that he can out-wrestle me. But he forgot how old men like me fight dirty. So after chasing him down, tackling him (which he insists was actually him deciding to “take it to the ground”), he tried to wrestle me into some sort of fancy UFC leg lock. So if he was getting fancy with his MMA moves, I decided to go for something a little simpler. A fighting move that doesn’t really have a name, but if it did, it’d be something like “the three fingered de-crotchitizer!” He submitted after only two fingers... It wasn't until later that I realized that he may have given up, but I'm the one who'd be hurting for the next few weeks! I got this nasty grass burn from the take down. And as I tried to sleep last night, every little touch of the sheets set my leg on fire, and I realized that I really am getting too old for this sh@t.

Here are a couple of less gross photos from the cook-out.

He's me, KG3, and the whole fam damily. (L-R Kaleb, Me, Grandpa Ranard, My Dad, KG3, Kole, Grandma Betty, and Cody.

A shot of Cody and his girlfriend Jessie, who drove all the way from South Carolina to visit.

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Monday, August 3, 2009

At Rest

The last few months have been tough for our family. We've been unemployed (again) and trying to nurture my Grandfather back to health. But things are looking up now.

Last week I started a new job as a graphic designer at an awesome local company, and am looking forward to getting back on my feet, financially. Unfortunately, my grandpa passed away last Thursday, but we know he's in a better place and is no longer suffering from cancer.

It had been a harrowing past few weeks, with hours upon hours of sitting with him at the hospital bed, watching him suffer as the cancer slowly ate away at him. It's sad. He was a tough old man who fought three different cancers at once, and although he was constantly suffering, he managed to break a smile at us every once in a while.

I'd never seen cancer up close like that before, and it is truly horrible. grandpa was the strongest man I've ever met. A grizzled, weather-hardened farmer who never took the easy way out of anything. And when he truly began to become frail, it hit my psyche like a sledgehammer!

This was the toughest man alive in my opinion, and there I was trying to help him use the bathroom, and later simply holding his hand because I knew that he could no longer speak. And even though Wendy and i were physically and mentally drained from watching over him through the days and nights, his pain brought the family together - and I don't regret one second of the time I got to spend with him.

He taught me a lot about being a man, and I hope I can live up to his expectations.

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Saturday, August 1, 2009

Things one shouldn't ponder

Doctors say that cancer isn't contagious, but could you get it if you actually chewed up and ate someone else's tumor?

Do you think that when it gets a little dull in the Brad and Angelina's bedroom that they role play? Like "Tonight I'll be Tyler Durden, and you be Lara Croft!"

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