Thursday, April 29, 2010

Doing a crappy job.

A real telephone conversation -

Client: "So I have a freelance job for you, but I didn't know if you'd want to do it or not."

Me: "I don't know. I'm pretty busy working overtime this week. What is it?

Client: "I'm putting some vinyl decals on a septic service's truck. This guy needs a drawing of an old-fashioned, wooden outhouse with big racing tires and flames blowing out the back."

Me: "Oh, HELL yeah!"

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Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Never Forget.

Some of my daughter's friends showed up at the community park to protest the circus that is set up this week. The kids were protesting the use of the elephants in particular, but I doubt it was a well thought-out demonstration.

If nothing else, these kids should be in SUPPORT of the circus’s use of elephant labor! Just think, if all the circus’s suddenly gave in to the protesters, we’d have a sizable number of unemployed elephants wandering around.

Fact – a grown Elephant can eat up to 600 pounds of food per day. Just how do these kids expect an elephant to pay for that food without working at the circus? Sure, some of them might get a job with the zoo, but statistics show that 99.7% of all elephants employed by a zoo end up staying their entire lives! Now that’s job security folks!

So we’d inevitably end up feeding these pachyderms with a mammoth government funded relief program! And I for one, don’t like the sound of that.

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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Why so angry, Hot Topic bag?

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Thursday, April 22, 2010

They won't get my Starbucks!

So I was going to buy this cool little printing app for my iPad, but then took a closer look at the icon. I'll be damned if I buy software that looks like a Cylon!

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Thursday, April 22, 2010

Random Thoughts

I never really thought about it before, but since fish are cold blooded, is their pee still warm?

The way my brain works…. Someone at the office asked if we’d seen the three-hole punch, and the first thing that came to my mind was that “The Three Hole Punch” is probably the deadliest move that a ninja can make!

Have you ever watched the Simpsons and thought “Wow! Marge Simpson must have been in a Sh*t ton of pain when she delivered that big, spikey head of their baby, Maggie?!!”

At the age of 40, I’ve pretty much forgotten most of the parts of speech. – Just what the heck is a dangling participle anyway? And why does it make me giggle silently to myself whenever I say it.

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Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Ideas?

I've been downloading a whole lot of apps for my new iPad, but I've yet to find anything decent regarding graphic design. there was one app that was called "designer's Toolbox" but it was severely lacking in it's usefulness. So I got to talking with the Murphinator, our programmer at work - who's also a Mac user and we're thinking of developing something for the iPad/iPhone that will be useful for graphic designers. I still have tons of material that I'd written for my graphic design textbooks which never got published, so I will definitely be adding information from them in the app.

But my question is to my readers who are graphic designers. Just what type of functions would you use in your daily work? I'm already planning on having an inches/millimeter/pics/points conversion chart, and detailed examples of the different binds and folds, but is there anything else that you always have to look up because you can't remember things?

Say for instance, the standard iso's for paper, or perhaps the dimensions for a tri-fold 8 1/2 x 11 brochure? I was also thinking of including the detailed designations of typefaces, etc.

Ideas? Email me and if it's something that I haven't thought of and end up using, I'll buy you a copy of the app. Also, I'm not sure how it works, but let me know if you'd like to be a beta- tester once we have it available.

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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

A Proper Name.

Coyote and I were discussing the new trend in America where parents give their children bizarre names. Captain Alex told me a story about two kids name Orangejello and Lemonjello. And we all know at least one little girl named Lexus…. But what if you took this trend to the extreme? What if you named your kid something that made him sound like he had a speech impediment? Something like a lisp? What if you named your son something like Prethton Thamuel? Or maybe Thirley, Thindy, or Thally for a girl? Oh man, what about Thuthan instead of Susan?!

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Sunday, April 18, 2010

As it occurs to me.

I know that lots of people think that the song “You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling” by the Righteous Brothers is a sweet love song, but it takes on a whole new creepy, twisted connotation if you imagine that the guy singing it is a mortician. I’m just sayin’…..

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Thursday, April 15, 2010

Random Thoughts.

I was just using a little Germ-X and thought of something……

Did you ever consider how the germs you kill using Germ-X are still on your hands? Except now instead of scampering around doing lil’ “germy” things, they are just sitting there dead, rotting away on your skin?

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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Derek's thought for the day.

You know how you get behind some people at Wal-mart and they stink like the’ve pooped their pants? If that’s how they smell going out into public, can you even imagine how bad it reeks when they’re actually pooping in the bathroom?

Discuss.

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Monday, April 12, 2010

This is SPARTA!!!!!

Yet another office conversation...

Me: Found this last night at home and had to share it today.

Hotdiggety: There is something wrong with you.

Coyote: That is sick Derek.

Me: No, if there was one called “How to WIPE like a Spartan”, IT would be sick.

Coyote: Yes, that too would be very sick.

Me: But not as sick as “How to remove cataracts like a Spartan”!

Coyote: I think that I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Me: Huh. That reminds me of “How to be bulimic like a Spartan.”

Coyote: I am not talking to you anymore. J How is the new iPad.

Me: The iPad rocks. Not in a Backstreet Boys way, but in a greasy 80’s hairband kinda’ way. The iPad is rockin’ like Dokken!

Coyote: OK!! Your excitement needs to calm down a teeny tiny bit.

Me: It’s so rockin’ that I am growing a mullet AS WE SPEAK!

Coyote: Oh my gosh!! Please don’t. I don’t think that I will be able to talk to you if you do.

Me: Meh. I don’t need friends anymore. I have my ipad now. And my mullet.

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Monday, April 5, 2010

The Elephant Man of Excel spreadsheets.

Here's another one of my wierd inter-office emails. This time regarding a super-ugly, informatted spreadsheet that I passed along to a coworker. --

Here is the spread sheet with the current listings generated from the manager’s page. I know it is ugly. It looks like a spreadsheet that has been beaten with a stick, and then kicked, and buried for a week. If it were human, other spreadsheets would have teased it mercilessly growing up. It would have no friends. Not even the ugly pie charts who lived under the bridge would accept it. The townspeople would be afraid of it, and chase it with pitchforks and throw stones at it in disgust. Unable to function in society as an adult, it would probably end up taking it’s own life. There would be no one at it’s funeral.

Have a happy Monday!

Derek

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