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Monday, June 30, 2008
OMG!
KG3 took this picture of a popsicle package at Wal-mart. What can I say?! It’s just plain wrong!
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Sunday, June 29, 2008
Gone Batty
Most peoples' kids say “I found a kitten! Can I keep it? Pleeeeeease? But not mine. No way! I get a call saying “Hey Dad, We found some baby bats. Can I keep one?
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Saturday, June 28, 2008
Watch Your back!!!
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Friday, June 27, 2008
Google Ads has gone pervy.
I now that Gmail sticks ads on your screen based upon the content of your mailbox, but THIS was in my junk folder.
Semen tanks? Really? Does anyone need a tank for that? I mean, for one, by the time you filled a whole tank, I imagine a guy would either be dead, or the lil' spermies would be tired of swimming.
I’ll say it again. A semen tank? Maybe it’s called the Millenium Tanks because that’s how long it'd take to fill it. Or maybe somethings going on that I don't know about. Maybe all of those SPAM emails about pills that give you buckets of man-goo really do work! I'll never know for sure.
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Friday, June 27, 2008
A theoretic palindrome???
There's a message taped to the mirror in the bathroom where I work. It looks like it's a page torn from a motivational calendar or something.
Every time I wash my hands, I read "One man’s problems are another man’s golden opportunities." Sounds good, right?!
But the cynic in me immediately rephrases it into "One man's golden opportunities is another man’s problems."
Maybe I shouldn't wash my hands anymore.
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Thursday, June 26, 2008
Just for Conversation.
KG3 is planning on helping one of her friends collect parking money during the local Independence Day festival. I’ll admit that I was a little apprehensive about letting her do it at first, but her friend is 18 and a good kid, so I think we’re going to let her do it.
On the downside, I know that she’ll come home wearing the infamous “carny cologne.” You know the smell I’m talking about – a mixture of corn-dogs, sweat, and axle grease.
And while working at the parking area may not fit the traditional definition of carny, it’s close enough for me! And if she’s going to be a carny, then she’s going to have to pay her father a tithe. Not in cash – that’d be evil. I wouldn’t ever ask her to pay me cash. I’m just not that kind of person.
No, her tithe will be paid in chrome throwing stars, Rambo survival knives, and little mirrors depicting Motley Crüe!
I’m kidding of course. The real reason we’re letting her work is that one day this scene will play out:
Three people sitting at an office table reminiscing their high-school days as they eat lunch.
Uninteresting Person One: “I remember being in High School. I worked at a grocery store stocking shelves.”
Uninteresting Person Two: “I worked in at Mcdonalds.”
KG3: “I was a carny.”
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Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Betty Lou.
Here's a new drawing featuring the same couple as my first zombie drawing. KG3 named the girl "Betty Lou" and Jason from the ZNobodies show said that the guy looked like a "Duke." This one is a tad bit grosser than the first one, but I really like it. I'm thinking of doing a whole "Betty Lou" series and trying to sell them as art prints. Comments?
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Monday, June 16, 2008
Questions still unanswered.
A conversation between my daughter and I during an evening walk:
KG3: Dad? Would you still love me if I was in a wheelchair?
Me: Of course I would!
KG3: Would you still love me if I was too fat to get off of the couch?
Me: No. Definitely not.
KG3: Are you serious?
Me: Sigh, no. I’d still love you......
KG3: Would you still love me if became blind?
Me: Yes. Yes I would.
Silence sets in for a few moments as she sinks into introspection.
KG3: Dad?
Me: What?
KG3: Would you still love me if I couldn't CONTOL THE LEVEL OF MY VOICE?!
Me: C'mon, lets just keep walking.
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Thursday, June 12, 2008
Silence is golden.
Sometimes I say things that stun people. It’s not intentional, but ideas just flow through my head and spew out of my mouth. Like today at work. A guy came up to us and said something that was a blatant innuendo to everyone, but somehow that innuendo got twisted in my mind and became something else. Something worse. Something that made the other people go quiet.
Funny guy: “Hey Guys! I have something here for you. It’s small and pink........and wet.”
Me: A kitten that’s turned inside out?!
Silence ensues.
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Monay, June 9, 2008
More than meets the eye.
Honest-to-god office conversation.
Capt. Alex: “I watched the Transformers movie last night. It was pretty good. I was surprised how much fighting was in it.”
Me: “They actually started filming the sequel last week.”
Capt. Alex: “That’s what I heard! Hey, did it bother you at the end when they were having sex in the car? Because it was really a robot, y’know.”
Me: “I guess I didn’t notice.”
Capt. Alex: “Well, they weren’t really having sex, but they were making out.”
Me: “The robot was probably going ‘Hey! Keep those fluids off of the leather!”
Captain Alex: You know what?! I bet the seat is really the robot’s tongue.”
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Sunday, June 8, 2008
Uh......yeah.
KG3 took this shot while we were driving down Interstate 57. "Red Carpet Inn Welcome Truckers Dix." Need I say more?
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Saturday, June 7, 2008
Zombies
I finally got around to completing my zombie drawing that I started last month. I think it turned out pretty cool! When I began the drawing, I intended using pen and ink only, but once I got the inking finished I wanted to add some color.
I've toyed around with coloring artwork using Photoshop and a Wacom Tablet at work and thought that it'd be fun to color my zombies in the same manner.
I wanted the drawing to be fun, even though the subject matter is gross. I was shooting for a kind of "Archie Comics" kind of style when I drew it, so I decided to carry that style forward to the colors. Gross yet fun, dark subject matter with vivid, bright colors. I dichotomy in all aspects of the work.
And voilà! The final piece is shown below. Click it to see a bigger version in a new window.
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Friday, June 6, 2008
Spreading Lies.
DJPJ came up to Captain Alex and I today and tried to spread his lies. Well, I'll let YOU decide who was right. The following conversation is a reenactment of the actual banter.
DJPJ: I found out an interesting fact! Are any of you guys scared of spiders?
Me: No, not really. Why?
DJPJ: I just found out that at any given time, at least one spider is within 8 feet of you.
Me: You Lie! That's not true!
DJPJ: Yes it is!
Me: So you're telling me that if I'm in the middle of a swimming pool, there is a spider 8 feet away?
DJPJ: Yeah........ On the edges.
Me: But the pool is an Olympic sized one. It's over 16 feet wide!
Captain Alex: Then maybe they're below, underneath the pool.
Me: No, the pool is 16 feet deep! So see.......you’re fact is flawed. You're spreading lies.
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Thursday, June 5, 2008
Hardcore, or ultra exhausted?
I woke up at 3:30 in the morning to the acrid taste of stomach acid burning my throat. It had been years since I remember vomiting. I clenched my lips together tightly as the stomach acid lurched forward, filling my mouth. It was disgusting.
But I was soooo tired, and I decided it wasn't worth it to get up and vomit in the toilet. So I made myself swallow it and fell back asleep.
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Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Memorialize THIS!
I've noticed a new trend in vehicle decoration over the past 6 months or so. Remember a few years back when every other car had a decal with Calvin pissing on some one's logo? Now that Calvin decals have fell out of favor, it seems like “memorial” stickers are the new rage.
Did someone you know die by choking on peanut butter? Memorialize her with a window decal! Ever have a friend suffer a tragic death due to his own stupidity? Memorialize him with a window decal! Ever have a dog die in a fight with a raccoon? Memorialize him with a window decal!
I've been seeing them everywhere. On windows! Bumpers! You name it! It's both annoying and puzzling because you hardly ever know why the person deserves such a “tribute”. The least people could do is give a reason why they are putting a memorial on the truck. Because in all fairness, if I see a decal that says “In Loving Memory of Joe Ragman. 1973-2008” I don't know why they deserve it. I mean, if good ol' Joe died saving a group of children who tried to play in a Fry-Daddy, than hell yes – put a sticker on that bumper. But if Joe is being remembered because he caught on fire when his meth lab exploded, than to hell with him.
I guess that should be made mandatory to put the “why” in each memorial. At least in my world.
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Monday, June 2, 2008
The results for May are in!
Here's the list of weird stuff that people have searched for this month. Each of the following searches somehow led to my website:
www.google.com: life like alien doll
search.msn.com: twisting wire for a hanger
search.yahoo.com: the smell of ass
search.msn.com: showering
www.google.com: arm a zombie
search.msn.com: ronald mcdonald
www.google.ie: make your own mannequin head
www.google.com: gay people stick vegetables in the ass
www.google.com: 3 foam skulls
www.google.co.jp: girls in dirty jeans
www.google.com: how to build a shead
www.google.ca: build your own prop replica
search.msn.com: how to mix paint to look old
ww.google.lk: wyona ryder
search.msn.com: stone cold steve austin
www.google.com: rectal discharge treatment success story
search.live.com: sabertooth
search.msn.com: box for floodlight
search.yahoo.com: ceramic face mask for wall
www.google.com: food coloring for specimen
www.google.com: origin sayings waiting for my ship to come in
www.google.com: how to cut your hair like jarhead ?
search.yahoo.com: cartoon dolls bases tutorials
www.google.com: how to make a termite shield
www.google.com: made our own haunted
www.google.it: shrek i in desktop
search.yahoo.com: riding crop spanking image
www.google.com: dog pimples fur discoloration
www.google.com: lonely mothers day
www.google.com: cool places to-chill in centerville utah
search.yahoo.com: skinny to fat
www.google.com: animated clipart of kid getting beaten up
search.yahoo.com: how to cover a stryrofoam wig head
www.google.com: sharrington synapses
search.yahoo.com: clues for the game
www.google.com: groundhogs aggressive
www.google.com: land scap designer cheer
www.google.it: aaron man at work photo
www.google.com: captain alex photo
www.google.com: kilo cannon cockers
www.google.com: freddie mercury animated gif
search.live.com: pictures of all birds
search.yahoo.com: the weight of a spider
search.yahoo.com: pearl jam decals
www.google.com: non-comedogenic chemistry
earch.msn.com: hellraiser
search.yahoo.com: yahoo.com monster.com 'ganesh' 07/08
search.yahoo.com: hot glue for teeth
search.msn.com: mesa arizona photos
www.google.com: best vegetable up the ass
search.msn.dk: peeing jeans
search.msn.com: coloring pages filterui:imagesize-large
search.yahoo.com: my cousin julie got married
search.live.com: handkerchief masks
search.yahoo.com: julie got married may 24
www.google.com: upside down triangle with a flame on top
www.google.com: make your own futurama head
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Sunday, June 1, 2008
Gittin' down with the Domkis
I hooked up with Drew Domkis and a couple of his friends, Steve-o and Ryan at the VW show today. Drew is half of the Dawn and Drew Show, another podcast that i've listened to for a few years. Since He's a big VW bus fan (I think he told me that he's owned 13...) he came down to see what we're all about.
I think they all had a good time. He shot a lot of footage and I can't wait to see what he puts out for his Dawn and Drew TV. I just wish Dawn would have come along for the ride. It'd been awesome to meet her too. Regardless, it ended up being really cool this weekend to hang out with all of these new friends who I felt like I already knew.
Ryan (holding the poster), Drew, and Steve-o hanging out in the VIP tent. Hey! Is hat Drew and a blonde Dawn in on the shirt and poster?
A shot in the office drinking a little bit of ice water to kill the heat.
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