Monday, November 30, 2009

WTF Google?!

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Monday, November 28, 2009

Know your place!

Kaitlyn walked it the room the other night and proudly showed us a face she discovered hidden on the packaging of a box of pads.

Kaitlyn: "Did you ever notice that there was a frowning face on the end of this box of pads?!"

Me: "It doesn't look angry. It looks more like an upset face than an angry one."

Kaitlyn: "Yeah, your right. It looks kind of sad. Of course, I'd be upset too if I realized that I was going to spend my whole life stuck against a bloody vagina!"

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Tuesday, November 24, 2009 It's a cartoon, people! Disney's new animated film "The Frog Prince" is poised to be one of the most successful children’s movies of the year. African American families are coming out en masse' to see the film, which features the first black Disney princess. It surprises me that it has taken this long, since they haven’t shied away from using other ethnicities in the past. Jasmine is Arabic, Pocahontas is American Indian, and Ariel is, well - a fish. It's about time that one of Disney's cartoons give the black children a good role model to look up to. I suppose Disney has just been waiting for the right story to come up. Obviously Jasmine's Arabic ethnicity wouldn't quite work in the story about John Smith exploring early America, nor would Arial fare very well in the story of Mulan, the warrior girl. So maybe this is the right time and place for this character.

The only thing that upsets me is that there has been a backlash among the so-called “purists” who don’t believe in interracial relationships. You see, although the princess is black, the prince is supposed to be a white European. It blows my mind how this could upset so many people.

C’mon folks! It’s a friggin' cartoon! If cartoon relationships influence the minds of our children, then these same people should have been FURIOUS when 'Beauty and the Beast' came out. That Princess was boinking a friggin dog-man for crying out loud!!! Sheessh!

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Friday, November 17, 2009

To feel as a mutant feels.

Sometimes I think that I have superpowers. Now don't get funny ideas in your head, because I'm not delusional. I don't think I can lift up a car, nor can I leap a tall building in a single bound. Hell, I couldn't leap a tall building no matter how many bounds I took.

My super power isn't close to being that cool! No, my super power is lame. My super power is the ability to bite into a chunk of bone whenever I eat anything. I can’t describe how, but I always end up finding something to make my teeth go “crunch”.

In this week alone, I bit down on a piece of bone in a chicken McNugget! I mean really, I didn’t even thing that those things were even really made of meat!

And to top it off... later I bought a turkey sandwich on wheat bread from the deli - errrr....gas station. And what do you think happened? I felt the sharp crunch of something as it ground between my teeth! Except this time it wasn't a bone, it was a pebble! Yeah, that's right, a friggin’ pebble. I bit down on a rock that was inside of a turkey!!!

But these are just two examples from this week. I've bitten down upon hundreds of freakishly bone crunching things over the years. Like the time my taco salad contained sharp chunks of broken porcelain! Or the time a piece of bone sliced into my gums when I was eating steamed broccoli! Or the time I thought I chipped a tooth when I bit down on buckshot in bear meat a family friend served me -- and when I brought it up to him he sad, “Well that's strange, because I shot the bear with a rifle.”

I just don’t get it.

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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

As time passes.

I've been working a lot of overtime for the past week or so, and after a while all the days start to run together. Is it Wednesday, or Friday? Who knows! As a matter of fact, I just noticed that I've begun to subconsciously judge time by the rate of decomposition of the smashed cat on the road in front of the building.

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Monday, November 16, 2009

Wendy's Nuts.

Even though it's an official looking box, there’s no way in hell I'm going to risk visiting the website. Some things you just can’t unsee.

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Thursday, November 12, 2009

Letters, we get letters.

Captain Alex sent in this response to yesterday's post. Content has been some-what edited to protect the innocent.

"As a matter of fact, just about everything known to man has probably touched my lips.

Well….. everything outside of raw oysters and buttholes, anyway."

Hmmmm.....I am speechless.... and you give me crap for folding up into a box. You could almost stamp this with the "Gay Say" aka the gayest saying of the day...."banana ramma my ass LOL"

Dude I remember laughing so hard my stomach hurt at some of the things we said at MAM that got twisted around.......Big shoes you know what that means"....Now everybody laugh this time wweeeeohhh...whatta ya say spike huh huh whatddya want to do today? "What about the meeting....is that meet with an ee or with an ea?" gggggUgh! ...... 4:44 ..... warren wikes to wemenice about times at woork. What about that elephant voice that you always talked in? ...ya know the one that kinda sounded like a clown.....and who could forget Baron Von apple? What about alex's chillin with a 40 mix? Or what about the game where we sang extremely annoying songs to each other in hopes that the bad lyrics would get stuck in the others head.......A one two three 0'clock four o'clock rock.....see your singing 50s songs now.

later man,
-Captain Alex

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Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Creepy-crawly germs.

I woke up this morning to the appearance of a huge zit on my bottom lip? Of all of the places that I could develop a pimple, why would it choose my lip?

Note to inner self: C’mon antibodies! Why the heck are you allowing that?!

I guess when you really think about it, our lips should be the one place where we do get acne. Out of every other part of the body, our lips probably touch more things than anything else. As a species we're always putting stuff on them, whether its food, utensils, lipstick, lip balm, or even our hand. So it's common sense that our lips should be crawling with all manner of lil' nasty, microscopic things. Especially if you have an oral fixation like I do. Everything I touch seems to meet my lips if I hold it in my hand long enough. As a matter of fact, just about everything known to man has probably touched my lips.

Well….. everything outside of raw oysters and buttholes, anyway.

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Saturday, November 7, 2009

That Crazy, Crazy English Language.

Wouldn't you think that the word “disemboweled” would mean that you had your rectum removed?! And what about “dismembered”?

I'd think that's what John Bobbit went through in the early 90's……

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Thursday, November 5, 2009

The H1N1 Debate.

We were debating on getting the H1N1 shot after we saw all of the news stories about that cheerleader who's messed up for life because of it. And then we thought – well, the chances of that happening are like a million to one, and in the rare case that we developed that disease, we could probably live pretty well off of ticket sales if we marketed ourselves right.

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Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Random Thoughts.

I wonder if anyone has ever investigated the milk companies for child abduction. I mean, think about it – their photographer just happens to have portraits of all of those missing kids? Something just doesn't’t add up there….

Do you think dolphins let porpoises hang out with them? Is there some sort of weird sub-species racism in effect there? Cause sure they kinda' look alike, but porpoises are like the crazy, inbred cousins that the family doesn't bring up in mixed company. I bet there isn't much dolphin/porpoise interaction going on.

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