2006 - The Year In Review
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Monday January 30, 2006
Sorry Jesus, my bad.
Karma came and smacked me right in the face today, reminding me that perhaps it's not a good idea to poke fun at religion. You see, today I kind of delved into an area that may be sensitive to religious folk. I questioned Sioux why we call "Good Friday" good, since it was such a tragic day for Jesus. I never meant for it to be insulting, but once I thought that I touched a nerve, I just HAD to go and play it up.
God knows all, and I'm sure that he knows that I wasn't being intentionally blasphemous. But God did smack me down a notch or two with a divine warning.
When I got home from work, I intended on doing some routine maintenance to this site. As soon as I fired up the old G4, I was greeted by the ol' "missing disk" icon. This is typically a BAD sign for a Mac user. It just might mean the loss of all of your data forever.
I began to sweat as the thought of five years of files, digital photos, freelance jobs, and this webpage would be gone in the blink of an eye. Luckilly, that amazing Doctor Norton was able to recover the disk after a few hours of nervous sweating on my part.
Was it really Jesus that made my ever faithful Mac crash? I don't know. Did I learn a lesson about poking fun at religion? Hell yes!
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Monday January 30, 2006
Derek goes anal.
My god! How anal have I become? Everyone has always told me that I am too anal when it comes to my work, but I have always laughed it off. There was an incident a few years back when I got pissy with two co-workers about hand trimming paper butterflies for a work project. They never really let me forget it because it tends to be a sort of inside joke now whenever I ask for a favor. But today, my insane anal retentive nature became unnerving obvious to me when I applied some glue stick to the corner of a post-it note that was dog-eared so that it would be flat on the page.
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Thursday January 26, 2006
Profound thought.
I had a very profound thought today, that just might be he coolest (and existential) thing that I ever said!
Find a porpoise, have a friend. Make a porpoise, and you are a god.
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Wednesday January 25, 2006
Are ejukated stoodunt winz thu spelleeng b!
We're so proud of The Brat! With only an hour and a half of in-home studying, she took 3rd place in her school spelling bee. She moves on to the next level on Saturday. I don't care what people say, the words that these kids spell can be tricky. The brat missed the word entraprenuer "entrepreneur", but made it through several other tough words.
Some sample words that are on her list that either I don't recognize or can't even pronounce without struggling: jodhpur, prevaricerate, conchiform, querulous, animadversion, draegerman, trumeau.
Now go ahead and run spell check on those words! Most of them aren't even listed in the computer's dictionary. --- Sheesh!!!
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Wednesday January 25, 2006
You will never find a more wretched hive of scum or villainy.
Me: New Orleans is a city filled with sin. Sin and voodoo. Lots of voodoo.
Tim: Yeah it is.
Sioux: It's pronounced N’aarleans.
Tim: N’aarleans?
Sioux: Yeah, N’aarleans.
Tim: Like the chronicles of N’aarleans?
Me: Yeah. It's a city filled with sin!
Tim: Really?
Me: Yes.
Tim: Truly, madly, deeply?
Me: ?!..... Did you just say....?
Tim: Yes.
Me: But isn't that......?
Tim: Yes.
Me: And aren't they......?
Tim: No.
Me: So that doesn't mean that you're...?
Tim: No.
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Tuesday January 24, 2006
Quite the conversation killer.
I love to embarrass people! I pride myself on being able to give everything some sort of sick twist whenever possible. I can't help it -- it's just the way my mind works. Sometimes it's these weird little snippets of conversation that make my day. Take today for instance, when the following conversation about a weight loss contest ended abruptly.
The Deb: Wow! I can tell that you have already lost weight just by looking at you.
Me: Yeah, I think I have lost about 8 pounds so far.
The Deb: You really should have joined one of our fitness teams. You could have won the money.
Me: Nah, I'm not really into the competitive part of it. I don't want to feel pressure to lose weight.
The Deb: But you could win all of the money.
Me: Nah! I'm only losing weight to make my "thingy" look bigger.
The Deb: .......
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Monday January 23, 2006
The cosmic joke
I locked my keys in my car at work today. It was one of those instances where you immediately know that you did something wrong. As soon as I heard the door click shut, my brain told me that I screwed up. Luckily, I had just called Her Majesty a few minutes to tell her that I love her. So I guess in that respect, I picked the perfect time to lock myself out of the car. Since she had been “buttered up” so to speak, from the call, she didn't want to castrate me when I called her again.
It's no small feat to get the keys to me as it took her almost an hour to get here and unlock my doors. But accidents happens, and she knows how half of my existence is comprised of crazy accidents. Its like some sort of cosmic joke. Like God looks down upon me and snickers as I keep stumbling through life, oblivious to the forces at work around me.
Silly, you say? Well, let me give you all of the facts. Before Her Majesty came to unlock my doors, she went home to check on The Brat. She was surprised to see her sitting on our steps in the cold evening air. Apparently, she too had become locked out. Her house keys mysteriously missing. She looked all over for them but never found them. And since she is grounded from her cellphone, she had no way of getting a hold of either of us.
There was a solution however. One that she has used time and time again when incidents such as this had befallen her. The solution is the neighbor. Our next door neighbor went to school with Her Majesty and I, and just so happens to be the Principal of The Brat’s school. Her children and our daughter have been friends since they were tadpoles, but as luck would have it, our neighbor was not home.
The cosmic joke? My neighbor wasn't home because she locked her keys in her van.
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Sunday January 22, 2006
Know when to say Uncle!
It won't be long until I become an uncle for the first time. My sister-in-law (Her Majesty's sister) is expecting her first child any time now. She and her husband live half a country away in Idaho, so I will not be able to see the lil' critter when it is born. I am very excited though because the birth of a child effects everyone in a family. It won't be long until there is a new branch in the family tree. This will also be the first time that I will be an Uncle.
Uncle. What a weird word! Say it with me --- un•cle. Uncle.
It is derived from the Latin word Unn (which means “not”) and the Greek Cull (which means “chosen”.) So as an uncle, I have not been chosen to help out with the child. Uncles are supposed to be the “fun” members of the family which egg on the children to do whatever suits their fancy. Whether it be a dip in the muddy ditch, or playing with fire, it is the Uncle’s responsibility to make sure that the children continue to cause mischief as they grow. This mischief is interpreted by the uncles as “creativity “ or “free thinking.”
So maybe I just made that whole thing up........ but hey, that's what uncles are supposed to do, right?
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Thursday January 19, 2006
These shoes are made for walking.
I started walking at night again yesterday. I'm not sure how far my new path is, but I decided not to take the same route that I had taken a few years ago when I went on my "healthy lifestyle kick". If I remember correctly, I lost about 40 lbs. last time, but I went to an extreme on my diet. I couldn't eat anything. I was miserable and my rule of thumb was: If it tastes like air, you can eat all you want. If it doesn't taste like air, then don't eat it. I think I created a HUGE spike in turkey farm production that year.
This time, I have decided that I am going to continue eating what I want, when I want, but I am going to drastically ramp up my exercise.
My typical exercise routine consists of multiple high reps of pouring coffee from my thermos and then a brisk walk from my car into my front door. So to ramp it up, I am now walking around the house and into the back door when I go home. (That's increasing my distance by 300%!). Actually, I am going to try to walk 5 miles a night. It may be a high goal for starting out, but I know that I walked over 3 last night with no problem. The only issue is time. I hate walking through the day, so I usually start my walks sometime between 10 - 11 o'clock at night. It's relaxing and I enjoy it, especially since I just bought an MP3 player and have loaded it up with about a gigabyte of the Dawn and Drew Show. (If you haven't heard of them, be sure to check their podcast out. You will laugh until you can't laugh anymore. The show in a nutshell, is a man and his wife broadcasting from their living room. But beware -- The show is not for the faint of heart or the easily offended.)
So will this new fitness regime make me live forever? I doubt it. Will it make me lose some pounds? I hope so. Will it cause mass hysteria and a revolt of the people in Libya? No. But it sure as hell made my toes blister.
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Wednesday January 18, 2006
An original, yet horrible Sci-fi movie plot.
Working Title: The Clincher
An elite group of terrorists impersonate a medical staff in order to gain the foreskin of the Presidents newborn son. Their attempt to clone the President using the DNA in the son’s foreskin goes horribly awry! Within hours, it grows to enormous size and attacks Washington. With a lust for blood, the maverick tissue devours everything in its path. Ultimately, we discover that it can be destroyed using a concentrated solvent of dishwashing detergent, Starbuck’s chocolate mocha frapacino, and the powdered bones of George Peppard.
In the end the deviant foreskin is killed, and its carcass is used to shelter the city's homeless.
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Monday January 16, 2006
Some random thoughts.
Here are a couple of random thoughts that went through my head today:
1. When the Pope takes a dump, why isn't it called pontifcation?
2. If we only use 10% of our brains, just think how messed up retarded people would be if we humans used 100%.
3. If goths are so fascinated with death, then why don't more of them kill themselves?
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Saturday January 14, 2006
Getting some answers.
I'm starting to get some submitted questionnaires from the last post. Be sure to take some time and submit your own. You can heck out submitted answers to this unique questionnaire here!
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Thursday January 12, 2006
It's not your father's questionnaire.
We've all gotten those annoying emails from friends. The ones with twenty personal questions that you are supposed to answer, then forward it on to other people for their answers. Hell, I'm guilty of it too! I admit it. I've sent those lists to friends before. But how about this new twist on the old game; here is a list of answers that you need to provide the questions to. Send me the completed list and Ill post it with others on my website. Don't worry, I won't post names unless you tell me its okay!
I'm also sending this list to my update subscribers, so hopefully I will get some replies.
Here are the answers:
1. Quantum physics
2. Hamburger or chili cheese dog.
3. No. I would never do that.
4. Probably Bradley.
5. Mercury
6. Behind the building when I was younger.
7. Probably the Exorcist
8. Carrots, with cucumbers running a close second.
9. Two dogs and a hamster
10. My cousins, on my mother's side.
11. Yes, and it scarred me for life.
12. Seventeen
13. Silver
14. Yes, and even though everyone said that it would become infected, it never did.
15. The Florida Keys
16. Put it up for later.
17. Water
18.That’d be awesome!
19. No
20. Perhaps, it depends on my mood.
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Tuesday January 10, 2006
Poor English?
Nothing picks me up in the morning quite like giant bread that is enriched with sandwiches!!!!! Yummy!!!!
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Sunday January 8, 2006
Crossing the State line.
We left our home state and crossed over into Hoosier country today. We didn't really have much of a reason, other than Her Majesty and I wanted to spend some time together. So we cruised down to Evansville to do a little shopping. It's funny how shopping changes when you have a child. Before the Brat was born, we would go shopping and come back with all kinds of goodies for ourselves. But once a child is thrown into the mix, everything changes. On today's shopping spree, I got nothing. Her Majesty ended up with a new pillow. The Brat on the other hand, came out with a shirt, a dress, a hooded sweatshirt, and a magazine! Can you tell who really rules this household???
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Sunday January 8, 2006
Ummm... No thanks, I'll pass on that one.
The Brat spotted this one in Evansville Indiana.
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Saturday January 7, 2006
Till death do us part
I work with a group of very creative people. We have designers, marketers, P.R. people, a photographer, and web developers. A new position was created that oversees all of the non-commerce web development for our company. The new guy in our area (who in all actuality has been a part of the company waaaaaaaay longer than me) mentioned something about ways to become more creative. He acted as if this might be the most challenging part of being in the group.
"Being creative is easy" I told him. " Just think like you do when we make sick jokes or dirty innuendos here at work. -- Then just remove the sickness and dirtiness."
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Friday January 6, 2006
A snail tale
From the twisted mind of The Brat!
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Wednesday January 4, 2006
The Japanese infiltration.
Because I do a lot of conceptual work for my employer. I am a constant user of Google image search. The image search has become an invaluable reference tool in my arsenal of design. Using it I can sometimes find key reference material for my art or ideas. One thing has become apparent to me in the past year or so that I have been using images search, the fact that Japanese cartoons have taken over the world!!!! Yes, these seemingly harmless cartoons are like a cancerous tumor on the internet. Their numbers rise each day and encroach upon every element of the world-wide web. My proof, you ask? My proof can be found right there inside my ol' buddy Google image search!
A few months ago I started keeping a record of my Google image searches and writing down how many pages it takes before I see one of those Japanese "big eyed" cartoon characters. It just seems like they show up no matter what you are searching for!!!! Like today I did a search for "Congrats" and within 3 pages, I ran into a Japanese cartoon. Its uncanny!!!!!
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Number of pages from "Google image search" before hitting a Japanese cartoon.
(Keywords are provided first, followed by the page number where a Japanese cartoon appeared)
Wondering 2
baffled 2
thinking over 15
Magic: 1
mysterious: 1
beach party: 5
moon dog: 2
Gidget: 1
Beach Boys: 9
Beach Party: 16
Beach dance: 1
Sphinx: 3
Cutter: 1
Vines: 1
white sharpie: 2
planarian: 4
Background: 4
Piracy: 6
Scary Background: 1
Hippie Art: 2
Flower Child: 3
Flower power: 1
War: 1
Congrats: 3
Ying-Yang: 1
Scarab: 3
first aid: 8
retro baby: 19
baby cartoon: 13
flash icon: 4
Cross art: 1
rugget cross: 10
baton twirling: 5
kid: 1
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Tuesday January 3, 2006
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Tuesday January 3, 2006
Till death do us part
Today marks my 17th wedding anniversary. Geez, I don't really feel that old, but if you count the year that we dated, Her Majesty and I has been together the same amount of time that we haven't been!!!! How scary is that?! And they said it would never last.......sheesh!
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Monday January 2, 2006
I found the missing Links!
Because so many of you demanded it...... I have finally gotten around to posting some of the best links on the internet. Okay, so nobody really demanded it per se, but I thought that you might dig these sites. All of these sites are good sites to visit -- guaranteed!! So be sure to check 'em out.
Derek's Favorite Links |
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| Sunday January 1, 2006
The internet is a tool of the devil!
This past year, I began keeping track of how people stumbled upon my measley little website. It's quite shocking the things that people search for, and even more alarming that my site met that search criteria. The following is a list of searches that have led people to my site. As you will notice, they are quite sporadic, and I didn't really begin checking for them regularly until November.
The information came from Statcounter, who hosts my web counter at the bottom of each page. Unfortunately, Statcounter only records the most recent 100 hits, and since I average around 1500 hits per day, I'm sure there are thousands of other strange searches that I never noticed. Regardless, enjoy and prepare to be wierded out!!!
Searches that have landed people to my website.
02-17-05 - from Alta Vista: although she was younger
02-17-05 - from: bottles highlighter blacklight
02-28-05 - from: Google: Paul Bunyun+advertising agency
03-25-05 - from: Google: Alien Fetus prop
06-23-05 - From: search.msn.com: alleric to vegetables
07-22-05 - From: search.msn.com: SHARK CAUGHT IN MA JULY 2005
07-23-05 - From Alta Vista: "sherry moon" + picture
07-23-05 - From Google: wholesale alien fetus
08-02-05 - From BellSouth.net: 3D Corpse Head
11-07-05 - From Google: how many chuck chuckwood
11-07-05 - From Google: foil tearing
11-08-05 - From Google: boondocks poster
11-08-05 - From Google: kevin bacon sandwich
11-11-05 - From Yahoo: Make your own rubber
11-13-05 - From Google: pictures that say "i am a freak"
11-13-05 - From Google: 1965 mother spankings
11-13-05 - From Google: rectal discharge
11-14-05 From Google - Nausea and Dizzyness
11-20-05 - From Google: monkeys throwing poop
11-23-05 - From Google: 1 lonely person
11-23-05 - From mysearch.myway.com: mr. goodwrench
11-23-05 - From Google: All you need to know about Prince Albert Piercings
11-27-05: From Google: how to make your head look smaller
11-28-05: From Google: warning choking hazard
11-28-05: From mywebsearch.com: super cross at Effingham, IL
11-29-05: From Google: put your face on something
11-29-05: From Yahoo: WWW.OFFICE DEPOTE
11-30-05; From Google: Mutton Chops
12-02-05: From msn search: how to make yourself throw up
12-04-05: from google: blondes extinction
12-06-05: from google: odds married same birthday
12-06-05: from google: haunted eyes follow you
12-08-05: From Google: calculating virus inactivation with chlorine
12-12-05: from Google: Monkey + subphylum
12-12-05: from MSN search: clear plastic tube
12-12-05; From Google: Jak & Daxter drawings
12-13-05: From Google: angry viking mascot with baseball bat
12-13-05: from google: how to put your hair up
12-13-05: From Yahoo Search: the green baby alien
12-13-05: From Google: "blonde research"
12-14-05: From google: Horsecow
12-14-05: From Google: bajak flux capacitator
12-14-05: From msxml.infospace.com: How to set up a Portait studio
12-14-05: From Google: who goosed the moose
12-15-05: From Google: monkeys that throw poop
12-15-05: From search.msn.com: diarrhea weight loss
12-16-05: From Google:course for alarm oj
12-23-05: From Google: school "the paddle" OR "got paddled" OR "got licks" principal OR vp OR ap OR teacher butt OR backside OR as
12-23-05: From Google: blonde intelligence theories
12-25-05: From Google: how do you build canvases
12-25-05: From Searchmsn: cures for infection
12-26-05: from google: how to make instructions
12-27-05: From google: how to create your own homeless projects
12-27-05: From Search.earthlink.net: farrah faucet
12-27-05: From Google: Star Dust Effingham
12-28-05: From Yahoo.com: decorating with snapshots
12-29-05: from google.co.nz: Redhead website fan
12-29-05: from Google: Low intelligence monkey
12-29-05: From Google: how to hide cigarettes when posting
12-29-05: From Google: fur industry missouri
12-30-05: From Google: when I blow my nose in the morning hard lumps snot
12-30-05: From Google: aaron staples
12-30-05: From search/msn.com: oily discharge from dog
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Wednesday February 29 , 2006
The most sinister practical joke ever.
I've mentioned that my grandmother has been in the hospital for the better part of a week. The nurses are doing their best, but there are so many patients in the hospital that they can hardly keep up. I was thinking about playing a joke at the hospital. Not on the nurse, mind you, but on the patients. I could go in to visit grandma, but then switch into my grim reaper costume and just kind of “pop into” some of the rooms.
I'd walk into some other patients’ rooms and pay them a little visit just to say “Hi.”
I'd be all polite and knock on their door, peek my boney head in and say something like “I'm looking for Sandra Kampe. Is she in here with you?”
And they'd be all happy to see the grim reaper. I mean, he is world famous y’know. “No, she's not here.” They'd reply.
“Okay, thanks!” I ‘d say as I walk out of the room with my black cloak trailing behind. “See you next Thursday.”
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Tuesday February 27 , 2006
Morning Banter.
This is the conversation between me and The Kid this morning as I was leaving for work.
Me: Have fun at school! I want you to work really hard, okay?
The Brat: Okay.
Me: All I want you to do today is feed the dogs when you get home......and bring all of your grades up to an “A”.
The Brat: Okaaaay....
Me: And then you can go ahead and solve that whole world-hunger thing and, if you get time, bring about world-peace.
The Brat: Alright. Do you want me to work on raising the dead too?
Me: No. Its a nice thought honey, but I don't want to overload you.
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Monday February 26 , 2006
Overheard at a restaurant.
A snippet of conversation overheard by Aaron and his mother while eating lunch at a diner....
"Yeah, but I'd still rather go hunting with Dick Cheney than ride in a car with Ted Kennedy."
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Thursday February 23 , 2006
Karen Carpenter is at it again!
I had to get a new radiator put on the Bonneville yesterday. And just because it is such a ritzy stinking car, it was expensive as hell. We bought the car used with around a hundred thousand miles on it, it still thought it was really cool because it was fully loaded.
And I mean fully. Two air lumbar supports, a HUD display projected on the windshield, power seats, power sun roof, a built in air pump in the trunk, cruising and performance shift switches, an air assisted suspension system, and a super charged engine. I loved it and it kicked ass... until stuff started to brake.
You see, it had the kick-ass options that I wanted, but can't afford to fix. First the ABS system goes bad, so we take out the fuse. Then the air suspension burns out every fuse that we put in it, so now it rides like a monster truck. And when the radiator cracked and started leaking, we knew that it was going to be nothing but trouble.
Of course its not a common radiator. In fact, one store wanted $260 dollars for the thing! But it had to be fixed, so we bit the bullet and bought one. Then, upon taking the old radiator, we discover that part of it wasn't installed correctly and wont work with our new radiator. And of course, its not a piece that we can find in a salvage yard, so were going to have to buy a new one from the dealer.
Sometimes I wished I still drove that crappy old Cavalier. At least when it broke down there we're plenty of parts for it at the auto salvage.
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Thursday February 23 , 2006
Karen Carpenter is at it again!
I had to get a new radiator put on the Bonneville yesterday. And just because it is such a ritzy stinking car, it was expensive as hell. We bought the car used with around a hundred thousand miles on it, it still thought it was really cool because it was fully loaded.
And I mean fully. Two air lumbar supports, a HUD display projected on the windshield, power seats, power sun roof, a built in air pump in the trunk, cruising and performance shift switches, an air assisted suspension system, and a super charged engine. I loved it and it kicked ass... until stuff started to brake.
You see, it had the kick-ass options that I wanted, but can't afford to fix. First the ABS system goes bad, so we take out the fuse. Then the air suspension burns out every fuse that we put in it, so now it rides like a monster truck. And when the radiator cracked and started leaking, we knew that it was going to be nothing but trouble.
Of course its not a common radiator. In fact, one store wanted $260 dollars for the thing! But it had to be fixed, so we bit the bullet and bought one. Then, upon taking the old radiator, we discover that part of it wasn't installed correctly and wont work with our new radiator. And of course, its not a piece that we can find in a salvage yard, so were going to have to buy a new one from the dealer.
Sometimes I wished I still drove that crappy old Cavalier. At least when it broke down there we're plenty of parts for it at the auto salvage.
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Wednesday February 22 , 2006
Hacking like crazy...
I had to take my grandma to the emergency room earlier. She's had bronchitis for about a week, but it has gotten so bad that she is struggling for breath. After nearly three hours of waiting, they finally diagnosed her with pneumonia and admitted her. She couldn't inhale enough air to breathe and was turning blue and purple! It was scary as hell. Apparently the hospital is full of people with the same thing, meaning that a viral pneumonia is going around.
Lovely!
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Tuesday February 21 , 2006
Mr. Sandman, bring me your dreams...
I went to the doctor again on Tuesday and he laid into me about my sleeping habits. Ever since I can remember, I have been a night person. Always up late and typically not worth a shit in the morning. So I am usually up until the wee hours of the morning. Through the week I try to get to bed at 1am, but its usually closer to 1:30. Then I have to make myself lay down and I listen to the radio until I can fall asleep. It’s usually around 2 or so.
It’s probably not surprising that I have a hard time waking up in the morning. I am dead to the world when I sleep. One time a branch fell through our bedroom roof and I slept through it. It even woke the neighbors up! But I slumber through it until Her Majesty kicked me awake.
Once I get up and moving I am fine. It’s not like I drag-ass all day or anything. I usually feel perfectly fine once I wake up, its just the becoming awake that gives me trouble.
So the doctor explained how the brain needs a certain amount of sleep to function, and that mine doesn't get enough! He pointed out that sleep deprivation is a method used to brainwash people because they can't function without proper sleep. And since my career relies on my creativity, I should make sure to get at least 8 hours of sleep.
As a result of the doctor’s comments, I am trying to get more sleep for a full week, just to test his theory. Last evening I went to bet at 10 — that’s 3.5 hours earlier that normal! But I still didn’t wake up easily, nor do I feel any more refreshed today. I guess I will continue the one week, but if I still feel the same I'm going back to my normal routine.
If I calculated correctly (and I probably didn't), here is a comparison of the two sleep habits: a 1:30am vs. a 10pm bedtime. At 1:30 I get about 3.5 hours of awake time per night. I only go to bed at this time during the work week. So that means during a 5 day week I get 17.5 more “awake hours”. Multiply that by 52 weeks/year and you get 910 hours each year. So if I would happen to live to the age of 70, my shitty sleep cycle will have allowed me to have 30,940 hours of “awake time” if I started counting this year. That's 1289.166 days, or 3.53 YEARS of time.
That's YEARS baby!
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Monday February 20 , 2006
Only four months behind schedule.
I’ve finally gotten around to writing some tutorials omn how to create the props used for our 2005 halloween Party. Click the links below if you are into this kind of stuff.
Flame Box: making a faux flame or firepit for your yard.
Face Transplant: a creepy prop that looks like someone's face was skiined.
Old Signs: a painting method to create the illusion of decayed wood.
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Friday February 17, 2006
And this weeks "What the F@#k Award" goes to........
I've never proclaimed myself as any type of marketing genius, so far be it from me to complain about ther peoples' ideas. But I saw this political sign on the way to work today and it completely astounded me! Does anyone in his campaign seriously believe that "Got Guv?" is a good political slogan? aside from it being a blatand rip-pff of the legendary "Got Milk" ad campaign, it just sounds stupid. If this goober doesn't have the judgement to see how rediculous these signs makes him look, then I sure as hell don't want him making any important decisions! Geez....... I just found out that he's a Republican. Silly, silly Republicans, when will we learn?!
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Response to February 17 post
Letters, we get letters........
Derek,
Apparently this dolt has something to do with dairy farming in the Chicago area. Thus the poor knock-off of the milk campaign. However, us downstate hillbillies don't know that and he's doing what most politicians do. Campaigning primarily for Chicago votes. Wouldn't it be nice if someone took the time to investigate the way things are south of Chicago? I know. Thats plain silly..
- Jody J.
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Thursday February 16, 2006
When you lose someone close...
Something horrible happened today. Something so devastating that I have a hard time making myself speak of it. Its amazing how attached we can become in such a short time, like my life has been blessed forever. But our friendship was cut short this morning, and I fear that the consequences of what happened will change who I am.
Theologists say that accidents happen, and sometimes we must simply trust that God has a plan for everything. So even though our friendship ended at such a surprising and unnerving time, I have to force myself to move on. Goodbye my little friend, my little mp3 player. I am truly stricken with sorrow that your power button has broken. You had so much potential. Perhaps I can get a clone of you at the discount store.
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Response to February 16 post
Letters, we get letters........
I could bop you on the head for this! I thought that a person actually died. But condolences to you and the dead ipod. I wouldn't know what I'll do if my ipod dies on me.
- Dementia
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Wednesday February 15, 2006
Oh, the delicious irony that almost was.
Rough night last night. Unbeknownst to me, I inadvertently doubled up my dose of evening medicine. I didn’t realize it at first, and began my nightly walk just as I always do. It wasn’t until I was about two mile into the jaunt that the effects of “double dosing” became unnervingly apparent.
Initially, I felt a little woozy almost as if I was dehydrated. It was in the lower 30’s and I trudged on however. I remember thinking that I was just past the halfway point and that I would be home in less than a half an hour. I passed up two opportunities to take a shorter route home. I should have taken them!
With each passing minute, my steps became slower, my pace shorter, and I noticed that I was now staggering in a psuedo-drunk stride. I was getting dizzy, but there were no practical places to stop. I wished that I had carried the cellphone as my heart began pounding like a bass drum being thumped by a hyperactive crack addict.
But onward I pushed. There was no other way now. All of my shorter routes were passed by and I HAD to make it home using my normal route. I stopped for a few seconds in the sidewalk adjacent to the funeral home. After nearly losing my balance, I started walking again. I laughed in my dizzy stupor thinking about the irony of my falling down and dieing in the funeral home lawn!
I eventually made it home and sat down for a breather. It was nearly midnight. My one hour walk had somehow turned into an hour and a half adventure that I won’t soon forget.
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Response to February 15 post
Letters, we get letters........
Damn dude! What kind of meds are you taking? LOL
I'm thinking you need to up the dosage on the Aricept! Maybe then you won't forget that you took the others.
- White Raven
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Tuesday February 14, 2006
If you read this..... Happy Birthday Cody!
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Monday February 13, 2006
The moral of today's story: Don't f@#k with Dick Cheney.
Today started out rough. I awoke from my drunken stupor unexpectedly easily, but reeked of whiskey and cigars. It was if I had the scent of an old poker player, and the smell of my jacket nearly made me gag when I picked it up, so I wore another today.
The night before had been a blur. It consisted of cups of Crown Royal with my father-in-law and an uncle-in law. After the whiskey flowed, my recollection of the nightly events begins to wane. There was something with cigars, a discussion of tractors and a vague memory about myself skipping through a graveled parking lot. I also seem to have a vision of Patrick Swayze with a sword, and being too inebriated to play a video game.
As bad as my day began however, at least I wasn't involved in any hunting accidents, like our esteemed Vice-President did.
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Response to February 13 post
Letters, we get letters........
I heard that when the paramedics showed up they didn’t know what to do. Out of habit they kept trying to strap down Cheney. I guess that’s one way to fix Medicare. That will teach the only guy not to mention a dyke when he is within earshot of the VP. The funniest part is that you called him “esteemed”
- Poe
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Friday February 10, 2006
Goodbye Timmaaa...
My friend Tim Shouse left the company today. He and his wife will be moving to the big city this weekend where they have both accepted positions with her father's company. On one hand, I was happy for them. After all, they are newlyweds fresh from college. They have no children nor mortgage to worry about. Now is the perfect time for them to take a chance on such a life altering event. Once the kids arrive, you have roots in a community, and have invested your whole life in a home, it is damned hard to take risks!
But on the other hand, the little jerk left me high and dry at work! And to top it off, he lied to me when he told me that he would leave his black squishy-gel stress ball. You lied to me Timmaaa, and I will never forget that!!!!!
Of course I am kidding! I really liked working with Tim and doubt that anyone will ever truly be able to replace him. But he seriously didn't leave that damn ball like he promised......
So in return for the missing ball, I thought that I would share some of the finer moments of Timmaaa in pictorial form. I'm sure that you will be able to see that he was a true professional to work with.
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Wednesday February 8 , 2006
Do I really need to title this one?
I found this ad in our local phone book. Does it creep anyone out as much as it does me? What the hell were they thinking? What are they trying to say? That they cater to giants? That the doctor is a fairy? I dunno...... but it sure is gross. Good thing its not an OBGYN clinic.
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Tuesday February 7 , 2006 -- late
Only 265 days until Halloween...
I’ve been working really hard on my Halloween pages for the past week or so. I need to get them updated in a bad way. About 3/4 of my traffic comes from those pages, and since I am such a media whore, I have to do what I can to keep those numbers up. If you're a do-it-yourselfer and enjoy Halloween, then you might want to check out some of my new projects in the early part of next week.
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Tuesday February 7 , 2006
Uncommon Valor.
Cheney
Our hometown installed a new memorial over Memorial Day, but it wasn't until recently that we had time to really look at it. Upon first glance, the great bronze eagle rearing its wings appears to be the focal point of the memorial. But upon closer observation, the bricks surrounding the statue take on a new, higher meaning. Not only do they serve to pave a path around the eagle, but each brick is emblazoned with the name and branch of service for those brave men who fought for our country in World War 2.
It took some searching, but The Brat was able to point out the brick that honored my Grandfather. I never met him, and in all truth, I don't know a lot about him. He died when my Mom was a child and my grandmother rarely spoke of him.
It wasn't until I borrowed the “Band of Brothers” dvd set from my friend Aaron that I learned that my Grandpa fought in WW2. The discovery was quite accidental, as I was visiting my aunt and mentioned the “Band of Brothers” show to her.
She was like, "Your Grandpa fought in WW2, He fought at the Battle of the Bulge.”
I was taken aback. How could I, his only grandson, have known so little about this man? Especially since I too had served our country in the military? I instantly gained a new admiration for this grandfather that I had never known. He fought proudly, in the midst of living hell - one of the bloodiest, yet most important battles of the entire war. And I never even knew.
I wonder if he ever spoke of his experiences, or if he held the horrors deep inside himself, protecting his loved ones from the realities of war? I will never know the answer to that question, but I am proud to honor him and the rest of our country's greatest generation.
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Monday February 6, 2006
An uncle at last!
I'm finally an Uncle! After waiting damn near a year (okay, more like nine months), my sister-in-law Jami and her husband John decided to deliver a new little girl to the world. Her name is Alexandria Elspeth and she is one cute lil' tater. Unfortunately for us, Jami, John and Alexandria live way off in the magical land know as Idaho. So we will have to be content with getting a lot of these cute photos emailed to us......for now. Perhaps a plane ride is in order?! Maybe once Alexandia grows, she will take her rightful place besides The Brat in the quest for world domination.
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Sunday February 5, 2006
Know when 2 say when.
Something weird happened this weekend. And by something, I really mean nothing. Nothing happened this weekend. In a nutshell, my weekend can be summed up as: I went to sleep Friday night and got up on Sunday afternoon. I didn't feel sick or anything, so I'm not sure why my body felt it necessary to pull a “rumplestiltskin”.
I won't comment on the Super-Bowl per se, but I do want to say a little something about that horrid half-time show. Let me preface these remarks by admitting that I am not, nor have I ever been, a big fan of the Rolling Stones. Let me also say that while I am not a fan, I do recognize that they have played an important role in the development of Rock-n-Roll as we know it. They were a driving force in the decline of Western Civilization.
That was then, this is now. I'm sorry Mick, Keith, and the other old guys, but there is nothing exciting about watching 60 year old men parade around a stage trying to recreate the sexual fervor and raw energy that they once commanded. Their performance was more akin to a hyperactive Alzheimer patient jumping around in the nursing home lobby than a rock concert. Throughout the entire set I wasn't thrilled to see them perform, but I was amazed to see a 60 year old man skip around like that without breaking a hip.
Time to give it a rest guys. Time to let the new blood have their turn. And by new blood, I mean Aerosmith, AC/DC and the Eagles.
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Response to February 4 post
Letters, we get letters........
YOU ARE TOTALLY WRONG ABOUT THE ROLLING STONES. THEY ARE STILL AWESOME AT SIXTY SOMETHING. NO THEY ARE NOT WHAT THEY USED TO BE BUT THEY ARE PRETTY DAMN CLOSE AND IF THEY CAN KEEP UP WITH THE TOURING, I SAY GOOD FOR THEM. LETS SEE YOU TRY AND DO WHAT THEY DO AT SIXTY.
Yikes!!!! -- Straight from the email of Her Majesty. |
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Friday February 3, 2006
Tonguing the teeth fantastic.
Her Majesty isn't being very cooperative with the whole Dawn and Drew invitation. In her words: “You must be crazy! Why would I want to invite two strangers into our house?” But my retort is “Strangers? Stranger than what?”
Aside from this disagreement over house guests, my tongue hurts like a mutha’ today! You might expect me to say that I burnt it on hot coffee, but I didn't. Nor did I bite it accidentally. Those are waaaaaay too common happenings for someone with my bizarre luck. My tongue injury hurt much, much worse than those, and is so strange that I can't even really understand how it happened.
It was nearly nine o'clock and I was getting ready to go for a walk. I opened my mouth wide as if to yarn and winced as the pain shot through me.
Somehow the strip of skin in the center of the underside of my tongue had become stuck between my teeth. My natural reaction of course, was to pull my tongue back into my mouth, ripping it free from its enamel bonds.
No blood, no visible damage, just enough pain to make a grizzly bear pass out. It was awful. But the strange thing is that I can't figure out how it happened. Even if I try, I'm not able to stretch my tongue far enough to snag it on my teeth again. So how did it get wedged between my teeth in the first place? It will go down in history as an unsolved mystery like the Great Sphinx, Area 51, and the success of NASCAR.
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Thursday February 2, 2006
It's a small, small world!
I think that I've mentioned a time or two before that I am a devoted listener to a hilarious podcast called the Dawn and Drew show. During one of their shows, Drew mentioned that he his a VW bus enthusiast. As you might know, I am a graphic designer for one of the leading automotive enthusiast catalog companies and we just so happen to deal heavily with the VW market. So out of curiosity, I had a friend check to see if Drew was a customer. And lo and behold, he was! Right there before me was all of his personal contact information: address, phone number, etc. and I thought "Cool."
Don't read into this though! I'm not going to use the info to get ahold of them, but I was excited to know that the possibility existed. It's such a small world, and its weird to realize that these two "media stars" were accessible, just like anyone else.
And then the idea hit me: I wonder if they've ever attended one of our VW Funfests? And if not, I wondered if Her Majesty would allow them to stay at our house for a few days. I would still have to work through the day while they would hang out at the carshow, but afterwords we could all go out and do something.
The Dawn and Drew Show is probably the most popular podcast in the world, and that they have hundreds of thousands of fans. But something is different about them. They actually hang out with their fans, meet with them on their journeys, and look upon them as friends. They don't appear to follow the traditional "celebrity" mold at all.
I fired off a quick email to Her Majesty, asking her about her thoughts of the offer. She's not a listener (yet....) and I don't think that so will be very receptive to the idea. But maybe I can get her to listen to a few shows....... wait maybe I shouldn't do that.
If she does agree, I am going to contact them via their "business" email rather than use the information that I have access too. I realize that they have a right to privacy and I wouldn't want a stranger calling me at home like that. Luckily I'm not famous enough to be bothered at home by strangers calling, except for Verizon, Cingular, Dish Network, Visa, Mastercard, Chase Bank, some travel agency, and the Illinois Sheriff Association.
I'll keep you posted of any developments in the situation. |
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Wednesday February 1, 2006
January search results are in!
If any of you have any doubt that the internet is truly a tool for all that is horrible in this world, look no further than January's search results. From now on, the first post of each month will be a listing of all of the strange and bizarre searches which landed people to my website.
Searches that brought people to my website in January.
01-03-06 From Searchmsn.com: cures for finger infections
01-03-06 From Google: how to put fake hair in you hair making it look real
01-11-05:From google: clean console dashboard
01-17-05: from Google: I stomp snails
01-18-06: From Google: Afro with sideburns
01-24-06 altavista.com: glue on your face
01-24-06 google.com: does not play well with others dog shirt
01-25-06: From: Google: PROGRAM FOR LONELY MOTHERS
01-25-06: From: Google: boys size seven etnies
01-25-06: From: Google image search: karen_in_coat.jpg
01-25-06: From: Google: warp your face in a bottle
01-25-06: From: Google: monkey throwing poop
01-27-06: From: Google: hairless sasquatch
01-25-06: From: Google: coolest beard
01-25-06: From: Google: can see the blue veins through my skin in face
01-30-06: From: Yahoo: alien fetus for sale
01-30-06: From: Google: makeshift shoes
01-30-06: From: Google: put makeup own a face
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Thursday March 30, 2006
David Blaine eat your heart out!
I spotted this bizarre banner hanging in a church window today. Let me tell you, I have seen a lot
of Easter plays before in my life, but this is the first one where a singing Jesus levitates farm animals!
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Wednesday March 29, 2006 - 11:30pm
Bear paws
I have heard on good authority that the "hands" found in Sigel may actually be bear paws. Poor, poor bear. I bet he has a hell of a time catching fish now.
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Wednesday March 29, 2006
My twin brother
Late yesterday I felt this soreness on my face. It wasn't anything horrible, heck, it wasn't even as bad as a bee sting, but there was enough pain to be noticeable I felt my chin and the pain got worse. I new something was wrong. Chins don't hurt for no reason, after all. It wasn't until I looked in the mirror that I realized the full extent of what was going on inside my face. Apparently my body is attempting to birth a fully developed conjoined fetus from the center of my chin! There's no other plausible explanation. The lump is huge! Way too big to be a pimple, and who gets zits in their mid thirties anyway?
I'm not sure how large this child will be, but I will claim him as my own and name him Gregory! Yes, Gregory the chin baby. Born unto a world who did not understand nor love him. I shall raise him as my own and foster his development by reading him the works of Sartre and teaching him the proper use of grammar. Gregory the chin baby will be a pillar of society, destined for greatness, and loved by all.
Or maybe I'll just pop him in the mirror.
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Tuesday March 28, 2006
It puts the lotion on it's skin.
Sorry to be gross, but this is too strange to pass up! Some workers got a shock when they found two severed hands in a small town near where I work. The hands were found at Deters Orchard in the town of Sigel (population of a mere 400 people). Police have no idea where the hands came from, how they got to be on that farm, or if they are even human.
I understand that people are shocked to find them and wonder where they came from. Me? Well, I'm puzzled as to why anyone would throw away a pair of perfectly good hands in the first place. But then, superfan John Schaljo pointed out that while the hands have five fingers, they have no thumbs.
No wonder someone tossed them away. What good are hands without opposable thumbs?!
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Saturday March 25, 2006
What the hell do I know?
My diet seems to be going well. Although I lost most of my weight during the first few weeks, it is still slowly coming off. At least I'm still losing, right? I'd tell you the secret to my diet, but do you really want to be taking dietary advice from a 240 pound man?
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Social commentary
I was having lunch with Superfan John Schaljo at the park when I spotted this little scene in the gravel parking lot. It says so much about life and the contrast between young and old. Okay, so maybe not, but it was a cool shot anyway.?
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Wednesday March 22, 2006
A castle in the cornfields!
Here is a shot of the church that I walk past every evening on my walks. I've loved the looks of it ever since I was a small child and actually thought that it was a castle when I was young. "When I grow up and rule the world," I told my mother, "I'm going to live in that castle."
It's funny how naive we are as children, to actually think that I would ever live in the "castle" church! But as I grew older and wiser, I realized how ridiculous it was to even entertain the thought of living there. After all, there are much larger, more fortified castles to live in after my plans for world domination are complete.
But that isn't the reason for this post! Upon examination, I discovered a weird optical illusion in one of my photographs. It confused the hell out of me and I couldn't figure out what happened. Look at the photo below to see the visual oddity. The photo on the left shows the church wall, but take notice of the bricks in the foreground as compared to the bricks in the background. The foreground bricks are nearly three times the size of the other bricks!!! You can see the size difference in the close up of the wall shown on the right. AMAZING!!!!
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I sent the photo to an architect/photographer friend questioning how this illusion could have happened. His response was as follows:
"That's a great example of accidentally being lined up just right! The bricks in the foreground are on a pilaster (a column that sticks out and leans against the wall (keeps the walls from spreading and bears the roof load) just like the one sticking out from the wall in the background. Since those bricks are closer to the camera, they're bigger. Killer good optical illusion though!!"
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Tuesday March 21, 2006
I took this shot of our lovely Spring weather on my commute home today. It was taken through my dirty car window through the days slush and snow. Can't you just hear the birds chirping and the smell the scent of fresh cut grass? Regardless of the weather, it was a beautiful area to drive through. I just wish the camera could have conveyed the true beauty of the snow covered tree "tunnel."
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Saturday March 18, 2006
The reunion.
Tonight was our CCD/yellowbook reunion. For these of you who don't already know the whole messed up story, Yellowbook is the company who fired the entire company nearly two years ago. There were hundreds of us suddenly looking for jobs in our small town. Hundreds of unemployed people may not sound like much, but you have to consider that the town's population is only around 10,000. Anyway, I don't want to get into that whole discussion about those British SOB's who own the company right now. It was a business decision and luckily I have been able to land on my feet.
The reunion was a blast, but I only had the chance to stay for a few hours. Since her Majesty has asthma, she couldn't go with me to the bar where the reunion was held. So while I visited, she went shopping. I had told her that I would be ready to leave around 8pm (I got there at 6), but once everyone started showing up I wished that I could have stayed longer. Friends whom I hadn't seen in years were still arriving even as I left.
Oh well, life goes on.
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Wednesday March 15, 2006
A politically incorrect conversation overheard this afternoon.
Two guys are looking at a magazine. One man shows the other an advertisement.
“What the heck is that?”
“It's electric tweezers.”
“Damn. It looks like it would tear the hair right out! Women are crazy.”
“Yeah, it looks painful.”
“I don't understand why they do that to themselves. It's not like we wouldn't f#@k them anyway.”
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Tuesday March 14, 2006
Of dogs and doughnuts.
I'm sitting here in the park on my lunch hour. It's still a bit chilly outside and no children are around. Right now I am watching a police K9 unit chase tennis balls and retrieve them. I snicker a bit because to the looks of me, its not the dog that needs the exercise.
Just in case any of you readers are people who I used to work with at CCD, I wanted to announce that we are having a big reunion on Saturday the 18th at the Midway. The get together starts at 6:30. It sounds like a whole lot of people are planning to attend, so it should be quite a time.
You may know that some of the core friends and I get together for dinner bi-monthly just to keep in touch, but this one on the 18th is a much bigger event. Whereas our bi-monthly dinner usually consists of 6 people, this one might include the entire company, over 100 people!
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Monday March 13, 2006
The fungus among us.
I can't imagine the frustration that Noah felt when he was in that ark. Its only been raining here for four days and it is wreaking havoc with my life. My yard is like a mud-bog, making it impossible to stay clean when walking to our cars, our poor dogs are living in what appears to be a miniature swamp, their white fur now discolored a muddy brown. And my basement..... Lets just say that opening the door unleashed a musty odor that can only be described as a combination of dirty clothing, ozone, and old ladies ass. Its horrible! Right now we have the dehumidifier going full blast and an oscillating fan to try and circulate the air. The air IS circulating fairly well, but it also causes the nasty odor to shift around the room.
It has to stop raining sometime though, and I hope it will give me ample time to try and weatherproof the basement a little better. Otherwise I am going to start a small mushroom farming business down there.
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Saturday March 11, 2006
Contemplating the crapper.
I really don't have a whole lot going on right now. My life is pretty bland. I keep thinking over and over that I need to get off my ass and start remodelling our bathroom. It'll be an arduous undertaking because I will have to shim one of the walls nearly an inch to make it square. If I could ever get started on it, I think that it would move along. its just the getting started that is the mountain that I have to conquer.Part of my apprehention is that even after working on the house for years, I still doubt my construction abilities. I'm no carpenter. I don't even play one on tv. I trust my wood working skills about as much as I'd trust Marlon Brando with a plate of cookies.
But I need to finish the room sometime. It's filthy from all of the remodelling because we use the sink to clean all of the brushes from woirking on the other room. The girls call it "the Boys Room" because niether of them want to go near it. It reminds them of a dingy gas station bathroom. The truth is, it has become more of a storage area than a functioning bathroom. It's full of rubbermaid tubs, Drywall mud, gallons of paint, plaster, and god knows what else. It's basically a closet with a toilet.
But with a new sink, a straightened wall, some panelling, a new vinyl floor, and an exhaust fan, it could be nice. Sounds like a lot of work....
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Friday March 10, 2006
Putting my foot down.
Yesterday it was brought to my attention that a plan was being developed without my knowlege. Apparently, my sister-in-law and her new born baby are planning to fly here from Idaho this summer. It'll be a nice visit since none of us have been able to travel there and see the baby. Both Her Majesty and The Brat are really looking forward to the visit. Since the baby arrived, they have been talking alot on the telephone and have grown closer than they were before. So that is the awesome part.
The part that I have a problem with is that I was told that The Brat is wanting to travel back to Idaho with them by car. Its a 24 hour drive and that makes me nervous enough. Especially knowing that the kids will have to be alone in the car everytime they stop for gas, brathroom brakes, etc. So, no, I am definitely not thrilled about that. But the part that disturbs me the most is that The Brat would fly home two weeks later - alone.
I know, I know. Thousands of children fly alone each day and I have never heard of anything bad happening to them on the news or otherwise. But those are other peoples' kids. and I am talking about MY kid.The fact that she has never flown before notwithstanding, it still makes me nervous as hell. What if there were a layover, of she missed her flight. What if she gets lost in the airport and no one is there to help her? I mean, this is the same kid that we don't allow to walk across town alone, and I am supposed to be okay with her flying across the country. Am I being overprotective? I don't know.
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Thursday March 9, 2006
Sin City.
Sitting at the table. The Brat has just told us an obvious lie about what happened to her at school in an attempt to get us worked up. She knows how to do it.... She’s good at it. And she LOVES doing it.
Her Majesty: "Um.... That’s not true! Don’t lie to us! You know where liars go don’t you?!”
The Brat: "Yep, Vegas."
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