Monday January 30, 2006

Derek goes anal.

My god! How anal have I become? Everyone has always told me that I am too anal when it comes to my work, but I have always laughed it off. There was an incident a few years back when I got pissy with two co-workers about hand trimming paper butterflies for a work project. They never really let me forget it because it tends to be a sort of inside joke now whenever I ask for a favor. But today, my insane anal retentive nature became unnerving obvious to me when I applied some glue stick to the corner of a post-it note that was dog-eared so that it would be flat on the page.

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Thursday January 26, 2006

Profound thought.

I had a very profound thought today, that just might be he coolest (and existential) thing that I ever said!

Find a porpoise, have a friend. Make a porpoise, and you are a god.

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Wednesday January 25, 2006

Are ejukated stoodunt winz thu spelleeng b!

We're so proud of The Brat! With only an hour and a half of in-home studying, she took 3rd place in her school spelling bee. She moves on to the next level on Saturday. I don't care what people say, the words that these kids spell can be tricky. The brat missed the word entraprenuer "entrepreneur", but made it through several other tough words.

Some sample words that are on her list that either I don't recognize or can't even pronounce without struggling: jodhpur, prevaricerate, conchiform, querulous, animadversion, draegerman, trumeau.

Now go ahead and run spell check on those words! Most of them aren't even listed in the computer's dictionary. --- Sheesh!!!

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Wednesday January 25, 2006

You will never find a more wretched hive of scum or villainy.

Me: New Orleans is a city filled with sin. Sin and voodoo. Lots of voodoo.

Tim: Yeah it is.

Sioux: It's pronounced N’aarleans.

Tim: N’aarleans?

Sioux: Yeah, N’aarleans.

Tim: Like the chronicles of N’aarleans?

Me: Yeah. It's a city filled with sin!

Tim: Really?

Me: Yes.

Tim: Truly, madly, deeply?

Me: ?!..... Did you just say....?

Tim: Yes.

Me: But isn't that......?

Tim: Yes.

Me: And aren't they......?

Tim: No.

Me: So that doesn't mean that you're...?

Tim: No.

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Tuesday January 24, 2006

Quite the conversation killer.

I love to embarrass people! I pride myself on being able to give everything some sort of sick twist whenever possible. I can't help it -- it's just the way my mind works. Sometimes it's these weird little snippets of conversation that make my day. Take today for instance, when the following conversation about a weight loss contest ended abruptly.

The Deb: Wow! I can tell that you have already lost weight just by looking at you.

Me: Yeah, I think I have lost about 8 pounds so far.

The Deb: You really should have joined one of our fitness teams. You could have won the money.

Me: Nah, I'm not really into the competitive part of it. I don't want to feel pressure to lose weight.

The Deb: But you could win all of the money.

Me: Nah! I'm only losing weight to make my "thingy" look bigger.

The Deb: .......

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Sunday January 22, 2006

Know when to say Uncle!

It won't be long until I become an uncle for the first time. My sister-in-law (Her Majesty's sister) is expecting her first child any time now. She and her husband live half a country away in Idaho, so I will not be able to see the lil' critter when it is born. I am very excited though because the birth of a child effects everyone in a family. It won't be long until there is a new branch in the family tree. This will also be the first time that I will be an Uncle.

Uncle. What a weird word! Say it with me --- un•cle. Uncle.

It is derived from the Latin word Unn (which means “not”) and the Greek Cull (which means “chosen”.) So as an uncle, I have not been chosen to help out with the child. Uncles are supposed to be the “fun” members of the family which egg on the children to do whatever suits their fancy. Whether it be a dip in the muddy ditch, or playing with fire, it is the Uncle’s responsibility to make sure that the children continue to cause mischief as they grow. This mischief is interpreted by the uncles as “creativity “ or “free thinking.”

So maybe I just made that whole thing up........ but hey, that's what uncles are supposed to do, right?

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Thursday January 19, 2006

These shoes are made for walking.

I started walking at night again yesterday. I'm not sure how far my new path is, but I decided not to take the same route that I had taken a few years ago when I went on my "healthy lifestyle kick". If I remember correctly, I lost about 40 lbs. last time, but I went to an extreme on my diet. I couldn't eat anything. I was miserable and my rule of thumb was: If it tastes like air, you can eat all you want. If it doesn't taste like air, then don't eat it. I think I created a HUGE spike in turkey farm production that year.
This time, I have decided that I am going to continue eating what I want, when I want, but I am going to drastically ramp up my exercise.

My typical exercise routine consists of multiple high reps of pouring coffee from my thermos and then a brisk walk from my car into my front door. So to ramp it up, I am now walking around the house and into the back door when I go home. (That's increasing my distance by 300%!). Actually, I am going to try to walk 5 miles a night. It may be a high goal for starting out, but I know that I walked over 3 last night with no problem. The only issue is time. I hate walking through the day, so I usually start my walks sometime between 10 - 11 o'clock at night. It's relaxing and I enjoy it, especially since I just bought an MP3 player and have loaded it up with about a gigabyte of the Dawn and Drew Show. (If you haven't heard of them, be sure to check their podcast out. You will laugh until you can't laugh anymore. The show in a nutshell, is a man and his wife broadcasting from their living room. But beware -- The show is not for the faint of heart or the easily offended.)

So will this new fitness regime make me live forever? I doubt it. Will it make me lose some pounds? I hope so. Will it cause mass hysteria and a revolt of the people in Libya? No. But it sure as hell made my toes blister.

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Wednesday January 18, 2006

An original, yet horrible Sci-fi movie plot.

Working Title: The Clincher

An elite group of terrorists impersonate a medical staff in order to gain the foreskin of the Presidents newborn son. Their attempt to clone the President using the DNA in the son’s foreskin goes horribly awry! Within hours, it grows to enormous size and attacks Washington. With a lust for blood, the maverick tissue devours everything in its path. Ultimately, we discover that it can be destroyed using a concentrated solvent of dishwashing detergent, Starbuck’s chocolate mocha frapacino, and the powdered bones of George Peppard.

In the end the deviant foreskin is killed, and its carcass is used to shelter the city's homeless.

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Monday January 16, 2006

Some random thoughts.

Here are a couple of random thoughts that went through my head today:

1. When the Pope takes a dump, why isn't it called pontifcation?
2. If we only use 10% of our brains, just think how messed up retarded people would be if we humans used 100%.
3. If goths are so fascinated with death, then why don't more of them kill themselves?

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Saturday January 14, 2006

Getting some answers.

I'm starting to get some submitted questionnaires from the last post. Be sure to take some time and submit your own. You can heck out submitted answers to this unique questionnaire here!

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Thursday January 12, 2006

It's not your father's questionnaire.

We've all gotten those annoying emails from friends. The ones with twenty personal questions that you are supposed to answer, then forward it on to other people for their answers. Hell, I'm guilty of it too! I admit it. I've sent those lists to friends before. But how about this new twist on the old game; here is a list of answers that you need to provide the questions to. Send me the completed list and Ill post it with others on my website. Don't worry, I won't post names unless you tell me its okay!

I'm also sending this list to my update subscribers, so hopefully I will get some replies.

Here are the answers:
1. Quantum physics
2. Hamburger or chili cheese dog.
3. No. I would never do that.
4. Probably Bradley.
5. Mercury
6. Behind the building when I was younger.
7. Probably the Exorcist
8. Carrots, with cucumbers running a close second.
9. Two dogs and a hamster
10. My cousins, on my mother's side.
11. Yes, and it scarred me for life.
12. Seventeen
13. Silver
14. Yes, and even though everyone said that it would become infected, it never did.
15. The Florida Keys
16. Put it up for later.
17. Water
18.That’d be awesome!
19. No
20. Perhaps, it depends on my mood.

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Tuesday January 10, 2006

Poor English?

Nothing picks me up in the morning quite like giant bread that is enriched with sandwiches!!!!! Yummy!!!!

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Sunday January 8, 2006

Ummm... No thanks, I'll pass on that one.

The Brat spotted this one in Evansville Indiana.

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Friday January 6, 2006

A snail tale

From the twisted mind of The Brat!

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Tuesday January 3, 2006

Tuesday January 3, 2006

Till death do us part

Today marks my 17th wedding anniversary. Geez, I don't really feel that old, but if you count the year that we dated, Her Majesty and I has been together the same amount of time that we haven't been!!!! How scary is that?! And they said it would never last.......sheesh!

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Monday January 2, 2006

I found the missing Links!

Because so many of you demanded it...... I have finally gotten around to posting some of the best links on the internet. Okay, so nobody really demanded it per se, but I thought that you might dig these sites. All of these sites are good sites to visit -- guaranteed!! So be sure to check 'em out.

Derek's Favorite Links

The internet is a tool of the devil!

This past year, I began keeping track of how people stumbled upon my measley little website. It's quite shocking the things that people search for, and even more alarming that my site met that search criteria. The following is a list of searches that have led people to my site. As you will notice, they are quite sporadic, and I didn't really begin checking for them regularly until November.

The information came from Statcounter, who hosts my web counter at the bottom of each page. Unfortunately, Statcounter only records the most recent 100 hits, and since I average around 1500 hits per day, I'm sure there are thousands of other strange searches that I never noticed. Regardless, enjoy and prepare to be wierded out!!!

Searches that have landed people to my website.
02-17-05 - from Alta Vista: although she was younger
02-17-05 - from: bottles highlighter blacklight
02-28-05 - from: Google: Paul Bunyun+advertising agency
03-25-05 - from: Google: Alien Fetus prop
06-23-05 - From: search.msn.com: alleric to vegetables
07-22-05 - From: search.msn.com: SHARK CAUGHT IN MA JULY 2005
07-23-05 - From Alta Vista: "sherry moon" + picture
07-23-05 - From Google: wholesale alien fetus
08-02-05 - From BellSouth.net: 3D Corpse Head
11-07-05 - From Google: how many chuck chuckwood
11-07-05 - From Google: foil tearing
11-08-05 - From Google: boondocks poster
11-08-05 - From Google: kevin bacon sandwich
11-11-05 - From Yahoo: Make your own rubber
11-13-05 - From Google: pictures that say "i am a freak"
11-13-05 - From Google: 1965 mother spankings
11-13-05 - From Google: rectal discharge
11-14-05 From Google - Nausea and Dizzyness
11-20-05 - From Google: monkeys throwing poop
11-23-05 - From Google: 1 lonely person
11-23-05 - From mysearch.myway.com: mr. goodwrench
11-23-05 - From Google: All you need to know about Prince Albert Piercings
11-27-05: From Google: how to make your head look smaller
11-28-05: From Google: warning choking hazard
11-28-05: From mywebsearch.com: super cross at Effingham, IL
11-29-05: From Google: put your face on something
11-29-05: From Yahoo: WWW.OFFICE DEPOTE
11-30-05; From Google: Mutton Chops
12-02-05: From msn search: how to make yourself throw up
12-04-05: from google: blondes extinction
12-06-05: from google: odds married same birthday
12-06-05: from google: haunted eyes follow you
12-08-05: From Google: calculating virus inactivation with chlorine
12-12-05: from Google: Monkey + subphylum
12-12-05: from MSN search: clear plastic tube
12-12-05; From Google: Jak & Daxter drawings
12-13-05: From Google: angry viking mascot with baseball bat
12-13-05: from google: how to put your hair up
12-13-05: From Yahoo Search: the green baby alien
12-13-05: From Google: "blonde research"
12-14-05: From google: Horsecow
12-14-05: From Google: bajak flux capacitator
12-14-05: From msxml.infospace.com: How to set up a Portait studio
12-14-05: From Google: who goosed the moose
12-15-05: From Google: monkeys that throw poop
12-15-05: From search.msn.com: diarrhea weight loss
12-16-05: From Google:course for alarm oj
12-23-05: From Google: school "the paddle" OR "got paddled" OR "got licks" principal OR vp OR ap OR teacher butt OR backside OR as
12-23-05: From Google: blonde intelligence theories
12-25-05: From Google: how do you build canvases
12-25-05: From Searchmsn: cures for infection
12-26-05: from google: how to make instructions
12-27-05: From google: how to create your own homeless projects
12-27-05: From Search.earthlink.net: farrah faucet
12-27-05: From Google: Star Dust Effingham
12-28-05: From Yahoo.com: decorating with snapshots
12-29-05: from google.co.nz: Redhead website fan
12-29-05: from Google: Low intelligence monkey
12-29-05: From Google: how to hide cigarettes when posting
12-29-05: From Google: fur industry missouri
12-30-05: From Google: when I blow my nose in the morning hard lumps snot
12-30-05: From Google: aaron staples
12-30-05: From search/msn.com: oily discharge from dog

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Tuesday February 27 , 2006

Morning Banter.

This is the conversation between me and The Kid this morning as I was leaving for work.

Me: Have fun at school! I want you to work really hard, okay?

The Brat: Okay.

Me: All I want you to do today is feed the dogs when you get home......and bring all of your grades up to an “A”.

The Brat: Okaaaay....

Me: And then you can go ahead and solve that whole world-hunger thing and, if you get time, bring about world-peace.

The Brat: Alright. Do you want me to work on raising the dead too?

Me: No. Its a nice thought honey, but I don't want to overload you.

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Monday February 26 , 2006

Overheard at a restaurant.

A snippet of conversation overheard by Aaron and his mother while eating lunch at a diner....

"Yeah, but I'd still rather go hunting with Dick Cheney than ride in a car with Ted Kennedy."

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Thursday February 23 , 2006

Karen Carpenter is at it again!

I had to get a new radiator put on the Bonneville yesterday. And just because it is such a ritzy stinking car, it was expensive as hell. We bought the car used with around a hundred thousand miles on it, it still thought it was really cool because it was fully loaded.

And I mean fully. Two air lumbar supports, a HUD display projected on the windshield, power seats, power sun roof, a built in air pump in the trunk, cruising and performance shift switches, an air assisted suspension system, and a super charged engine. I loved it and it kicked ass... until stuff started to brake.

You see, it had the kick-ass options that I wanted, but can't afford to fix. First the ABS system goes bad, so we take out the fuse. Then the air suspension burns out every fuse that we put in it, so now it rides like a monster truck. And when the radiator cracked and started leaking, we knew that it was going to be nothing but trouble.

Of course its not a common radiator. In fact, one store wanted $260 dollars for the thing! But it had to be fixed, so we bit the bullet and bought one. Then, upon taking the old radiator, we discover that part of it wasn't installed correctly and wont work with our new radiator. And of course, its not a piece that we can find in a salvage yard, so were going to have to buy a new one from the dealer.

Sometimes I wished I still drove that crappy old Cavalier. At least when it broke down there we're plenty of parts for it at the auto salvage.

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Thursday February 23 , 2006

Karen Carpenter is at it again!

I had to get a new radiator put on the Bonneville yesterday. And just because it is such a ritzy stinking car, it was expensive as hell. We bought the car used with around a hundred thousand miles on it, it still thought it was really cool because it was fully loaded.

And I mean fully. Two air lumbar supports, a HUD display projected on the windshield, power seats, power sun roof, a built in air pump in the trunk, cruising and performance shift switches, an air assisted suspension system, and a super charged engine. I loved it and it kicked ass... until stuff started to brake.

You see, it had the kick-ass options that I wanted, but can't afford to fix. First the ABS system goes bad, so we take out the fuse. Then the air suspension burns out every fuse that we put in it, so now it rides like a monster truck. And when the radiator cracked and started leaking, we knew that it was going to be nothing but trouble.

Of course its not a common radiator. In fact, one store wanted $260 dollars for the thing! But it had to be fixed, so we bit the bullet and bought one. Then, upon taking the old radiator, we discover that part of it wasn't installed correctly and wont work with our new radiator. And of course, its not a piece that we can find in a salvage yard, so were going to have to buy a new one from the dealer.

Sometimes I wished I still drove that crappy old Cavalier. At least when it broke down there we're plenty of parts for it at the auto salvage.

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Wednesday February 22 , 2006

Hacking like crazy...

I had to take my grandma to the emergency room earlier. She's had bronchitis for about a week, but it has gotten so bad that she is struggling for breath. After nearly three hours of waiting, they finally diagnosed her with pneumonia and admitted her. She couldn't inhale enough air to breathe and was turning blue and purple! It was scary as hell. Apparently the hospital is full of people with the same thing, meaning that a viral pneumonia is going around.

Lovely!

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Tuesday February 21 , 2006

Mr. Sandman, bring me your dreams...

I went to the doctor again on Tuesday and he laid into me about my sleeping habits. Ever since I can remember, I have been a night person. Always up late and typically not worth a shit in the morning. So I am usually up until the wee hours of the morning. Through the week I try to get to bed at 1am, but its usually closer to 1:30. Then I have to make myself lay down and I listen to the radio until I can fall asleep. It’s usually around 2 or so.

It’s probably not surprising that I have a hard time waking up in the morning. I am dead to the world when I sleep. One time a branch fell through our bedroom roof and I slept through it. It even woke the neighbors up! But I slumber through it until Her Majesty kicked me awake.

Once I get up and moving I am fine. It’s not like I drag-ass all day or anything. I usually feel perfectly fine once I wake up, its just the becoming awake that gives me trouble.

So the doctor explained how the brain needs a certain amount of sleep to function, and that mine doesn't get enough! He pointed out that sleep deprivation is a method used to brainwash people because they can't function without proper sleep. And since my career relies on my creativity, I should make sure to get at least 8 hours of sleep.

As a result of the doctor’s comments, I am trying to get more sleep for a full week, just to test his theory. Last evening I went to bet at 10 — that’s 3.5 hours earlier that normal! But I still didn’t wake up easily, nor do I feel any more refreshed today. I guess I will continue the one week, but if I still feel the same I'm going back to my normal routine.

If I calculated correctly (and I probably didn't), here is a comparison of the two sleep habits: a 1:30am vs. a 10pm bedtime. At 1:30 I get about 3.5 hours of awake time per night. I only go to bed at this time during the work week. So that means during a 5 day week I get 17.5 more “awake hours”. Multiply that by 52 weeks/year and you get 910 hours each year. So if I would happen to live to the age of 70, my shitty sleep cycle will have allowed me to have 30,940 hours of “awake time” if I started counting this year. That's 1289.166 days, or 3.53 YEARS of time.

That's YEARS baby!

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Monday February 20 , 2006

Only four months behind schedule.

I’ve finally gotten around to writing some tutorials omn how to create the props used for our 2005 halloween Party. Click the links below if you are into this kind of stuff.

Flame Box: making a faux flame or firepit for your yard.

Face Transplant: a creepy prop that looks like someone's face was skiined.

Old Signs: a painting method to create the illusion of decayed wood.

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Friday February 17, 2006

And this weeks "What the F@#k Award" goes to........

I've never proclaimed myself as any type of marketing genius, so far be it from me to complain about ther peoples' ideas. But I saw this political sign on the way to work today and it completely astounded me! Does anyone in his campaign seriously believe that "Got Guv?" is a good political slogan? aside from it being a blatand rip-pff of the legendary "Got Milk" ad campaign, it just sounds stupid. If this goober doesn't have the judgement to see how rediculous these signs makes him look, then I sure as hell don't want him making any important decisions! Geez....... I just found out that he's a Republican. Silly, silly Republicans, when will we learn?!

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Response to February 17 post

Letters, we get letters........

Derek,

Apparently this dolt has something to do with dairy farming in the Chicago area. Thus the poor knock-off of the milk campaign. However, us downstate hillbillies don't know that and he's doing what most politicians do. Campaigning primarily for Chicago votes. Wouldn't it be nice if someone took the time to investigate the way things are south of Chicago? I know. Thats plain silly..

- Jody J.

Wednesday February 15, 2006 Oh, the delicious irony that almost was. Rough night last night. Unbeknownst to me, I inadvertently doubled up my dose of evening medicine. I didn’t realize it at first, and began my nightly walk just as I always do. It wasn’t until I was about two mile into the jaunt that the effects of “double dosing” became unnervingly apparent. Initially, I felt a little woozy almost as if I was dehydrated. It was in the lower 30’s and I trudged on however. I remember thinking that I was just past the halfway point and that I would be home in less than a half an hour. I passed up two opportunities to take a shorter route home. I should have taken them! With each passing minute, my steps became slower, my pace shorter, and I noticed that I was now staggering in a psuedo-drunk stride. I was getting dizzy, but there were no practical places to stop. I wished that I had carried the cellphone as my heart began pounding like a bass drum being thumped by a hyperactive crack addict. But onward I pushed. There was no other way now. All of my shorter routes were passed by and I HAD to make it home using my normal route. I stopped for a few seconds in the sidewalk adjacent to the funeral home. After nearly losing my balance, I started walking again. I laughed in my dizzy stupor thinking about the irony of my falling down and dieing in the funeral home lawn! I eventually made it home and sat down for a breather. It was nearly midnight. My one hour walk had somehow turned into an hour and a half adventure that I won’t soon forget. Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

Response to February 15 post

Letters, we get letters........

Damn dude! What kind of meds are you taking? LOL
I'm thinking you need to up the dosage on the Aricept! Maybe then you won't forget that you took the others.

- White Raven

Tuesday February 14, 2006

If you read this..... Happy Birthday Cody!

Monday February 13, 2006

The moral of today's story: Don't f@#k with Dick Cheney.

Today started out rough. I awoke from my drunken stupor unexpectedly easily, but reeked of whiskey and cigars. It was if I had the scent of an old poker player, and the smell of my jacket nearly made me gag when I picked it up, so I wore another today.

The night before had been a blur. It consisted of cups of Crown Royal with my father-in-law and an uncle-in law. After the whiskey flowed, my recollection of the nightly events begins to wane. There was something with cigars, a discussion of tractors and a vague memory about myself skipping through a graveled parking lot. I also seem to have a vision of Patrick Swayze with a sword, and being too inebriated to play a video game.

As bad as my day began however, at least I wasn't involved in any hunting accidents, like our esteemed Vice-President did.

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Response to February 13 post

Letters, we get letters........

I heard that when the paramedics showed up they didn’t know what to do. Out of habit they kept trying to strap down Cheney. I guess that’s one way to fix Medicare. That will teach the only guy not to mention a dyke when he is within earshot of the VP. The funniest part is that you called him “esteemed”

- Poe

Friday February 10, 2006

Goodbye Timmaaa...

My friend Tim Shouse left the company today. He and his wife will be moving to the big city this weekend where they have both accepted positions with her father's company. On one hand, I was happy for them. After all, they are newlyweds fresh from college. They have no children nor mortgage to worry about. Now is the perfect time for them to take a chance on such a life altering event. Once the kids arrive, you have roots in a community, and have invested your whole life in a home, it is damned hard to take risks!

But on the other hand, the little jerk left me high and dry at work! And to top it off, he lied to me when he told me that he would leave his black squishy-gel stress ball. You lied to me Timmaaa, and I will never forget that!!!!!

Of course I am kidding! I really liked working with Tim and doubt that anyone will ever truly be able to replace him. But he seriously didn't leave that damn ball like he promised......

So in return for the missing ball, I thought that I would share some of the finer moments of Timmaaa in pictorial form. I'm sure that you will be able to see that he was a true professional to work with.

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Wednesday February 8 , 2006

Do I really need to title this one?

I found this ad in our local phone book. Does it creep anyone out as much as it does me? What the hell were they thinking? What are they trying to say? That they cater to giants? That the doctor is a fairy? I dunno...... but it sure is gross. Good thing its not an OBGYN clinic.

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Tuesday February 7 , 2006 -- late

Only 265 days until Halloween...

I’ve been working really hard on my Halloween pages for the past week or so. I need to get them updated in a bad way. About 3/4 of my traffic comes from those pages, and since I am such a media whore, I have to do what I can to keep those numbers up. If you're a do-it-yourselfer and enjoy Halloween, then you might want to check out some of my new projects in the early part of next week.

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Tuesday February 7 , 2006

Uncommon Valor.

Cheney

Our hometown installed a new memorial over Memorial Day, but it wasn't until recently that we had time to really look at it. Upon first glance, the great bronze eagle rearing its wings appears to be the focal point of the memorial. But upon closer observation, the bricks surrounding the statue take on a new, higher meaning. Not only do they serve to pave a path around the eagle, but each brick is emblazoned with the name and branch of service for those brave men who fought for our country in World War 2.

It took some searching, but The Brat was able to point out the brick that honored my Grandfather. I never met him, and in all truth, I don't know a lot about him. He died when my Mom was a child and my grandmother rarely spoke of him.

It wasn't until I borrowed the “Band of Brothers” dvd set from my friend Aaron that I learned that my Grandpa fought in WW2. The discovery was quite accidental, as I was visiting my aunt and mentioned the “Band of Brothers” show to her.

She was like, "Your Grandpa fought in WW2, He fought at the Battle of the Bulge.”

I was taken aback. How could I, his only grandson, have known so little about this man? Especially since I too had served our country in the military? I instantly gained a new admiration for this grandfather that I had never known. He fought proudly, in the midst of living hell - one of the bloodiest, yet most important battles of the entire war. And I never even knew.

I wonder if he ever spoke of his experiences, or if he held the horrors deep inside himself, protecting his loved ones from the realities of war? I will never know the answer to that question, but I am proud to honor him and the rest of our country's greatest generation.

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Monday February 6, 2006

An uncle at last!

I'm finally an Uncle! After waiting damn near a year (okay, more like nine months), my sister-in-law Jami and her husband John decided to deliver a new little girl to the world. Her name is Alexandria Elspeth and she is one cute lil' tater. Unfortunately for us, Jami, John and Alexandria live way off in the magical land know as Idaho. So we will have to be content with getting a lot of these cute photos emailed to us......for now. Perhaps a plane ride is in order?! Maybe once Alexandia grows, she will take her rightful place besides The Brat in the quest for world domination.

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Friday February 3, 2006

Tonguing the teeth fantastic.

Her Majesty isn't being very cooperative with the whole Dawn and Drew invitation. In her words: “You must be crazy! Why would I want to invite two strangers into our house?” But my retort is “Strangers? Stranger than what?”

Aside from this disagreement over house guests, my tongue hurts like a mutha’ today! You might expect me to say that I burnt it on hot coffee, but I didn't. Nor did I bite it accidentally. Those are waaaaaay too common happenings for someone with my bizarre luck. My tongue injury hurt much, much worse than those, and is so strange that I can't even really understand how it happened.

It was nearly nine o'clock and I was getting ready to go for a walk. I opened my mouth wide as if to yarn and winced as the pain shot through me.

Somehow the strip of skin in the center of the underside of my tongue had become stuck between my teeth. My natural reaction of course, was to pull my tongue back into my mouth, ripping it free from its enamel bonds.

No blood, no visible damage, just enough pain to make a grizzly bear pass out. It was awful. But the strange thing is that I can't figure out how it happened. Even if I try, I'm not able to stretch my tongue far enough to snag it on my teeth again. So how did it get wedged between my teeth in the first place? It will go down in history as an unsolved mystery like the Great Sphinx, Area 51, and the success of NASCAR.

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Thursday February 2, 2006

It's a small, small world!

I think that I've mentioned a time or two before that I am a devoted listener to a hilarious podcast called the Dawn and Drew show. During one of their shows, Drew mentioned that he his a VW bus enthusiast. As you might know, I am a graphic designer for one of the leading automotive enthusiast catalog companies and we just so happen to deal heavily with the VW market. So out of curiosity, I had a friend check to see if Drew was a customer. And lo and behold, he was! Right there before me was all of his personal contact information: address, phone number, etc. and I thought "Cool."

Don't read into this though! I'm not going to use the info to get ahold of them, but I was excited to know that the possibility existed. It's such a small world, and its weird to realize that these two "media stars" were accessible, just like anyone else.

And then the idea hit me: I wonder if they've ever attended one of our VW Funfests? And if not, I wondered if Her Majesty would allow them to stay at our house for a few days. I would still have to work through the day while they would hang out at the carshow, but afterwords we could all go out and do something.

The Dawn and Drew Show is probably the most popular podcast in the world, and that they have hundreds of thousands of fans. But something is different about them. They actually hang out with their fans, meet with them on their journeys, and look upon them as friends. They don't appear to follow the traditional "celebrity" mold at all.

I fired off a quick email to Her Majesty, asking her about her thoughts of the offer. She's not a listener (yet....) and I don't think that so will be very receptive to the idea. But maybe I can get her to listen to a few shows....... wait maybe I shouldn't do that.

If she does agree, I am going to contact them via their "business" email rather than use the information that I have access too. I realize that they have a right to privacy and I wouldn't want a stranger calling me at home like that. Luckily I'm not famous enough to be bothered at home by strangers calling, except for Verizon, Cingular, Dish Network, Visa, Mastercard, Chase Bank, some travel agency, and the Illinois Sheriff Association.

I'll keep you posted of any developments in the situation.

Wednesday February 1, 2006

January search results are in!

If any of you have any doubt that the internet is truly a tool for all that is horrible in this world, look no further than January's search results. From now on, the first post of each month will be a listing of all of the strange and bizarre searches which landed people to my website.

Searches that brought people to my website in January.

01-03-06 From Searchmsn.com: cures for finger infections
01-03-06 From Google: how to put fake hair in you hair making it look real
01-11-05:From google: clean console dashboard
01-17-05: from Google: I stomp snails
01-18-06: From Google: Afro with sideburns
01-24-06 altavista.com: glue on your face
01-24-06 google.com: does not play well with others dog shirt
01-25-06: From: Google: PROGRAM FOR LONELY MOTHERS
01-25-06: From: Google: boys size seven etnies
01-25-06: From: Google image search: karen_in_coat.jpg
01-25-06: From: Google: warp your face in a bottle
01-25-06: From: Google: monkey throwing poop
01-27-06: From: Google: hairless sasquatch
01-25-06: From: Google: coolest beard
01-25-06: From: Google: can see the blue veins through my skin in face
01-30-06: From: Yahoo: alien fetus for sale
01-30-06: From: Google: makeshift shoes
01-30-06: From: Google: put makeup own a face

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I spotted this bizarre banner hanging in a church window today. Let me tell you, I have seen a lot
of Easter plays before in my life, but this is the first one where a singing Jesus levitates farm animals!

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I have heard on good authority that the "hands" found in Sigel may actually be bear paws. Poor, poor bear. I bet he has a hell of a time catching fish now.

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Late yesterday I felt this soreness on my face. It wasn't anything horrible, heck, it wasn't even as bad as a bee sting, but there was enough pain to be noticeable I felt my chin and the pain got worse. I new something was wrong. Chins don't hurt for no reason, after all. It wasn't until I looked in the mirror that I realized the full extent of what was going on inside my face. Apparently my body is attempting to birth a fully developed conjoined fetus from the center of my chin! There's no other plausible explanation. The lump is huge! Way too big to be a pimple, and who gets zits in their mid thirties anyway?

I'm not sure how large this child will be, but I will claim him as my own and name him Gregory! Yes, Gregory the chin baby. Born unto a world who did not understand nor love him. I shall raise him as my own and foster his development by reading him the works of Sartre and teaching him the proper use of grammar. Gregory the chin baby will be a pillar of society, destined for greatness, and loved by all.

Or maybe I'll just pop him in the mirror.

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Sorry to be gross, but this is too strange to pass up! Some workers got a shock when they found two severed hands in a small town near where I work. The hands were found at Deters Orchard in the town of Sigel (population of a mere 400 people). Police have no idea where the hands came from, how they got to be on that farm, or if they are even human.

I understand that people are shocked to find them and wonder where they came from. Me? Well, I'm puzzled as to why anyone would throw away a pair of perfectly good hands in the first place. But then, superfan John Schaljo pointed out that while the hands have five fingers, they have no thumbs.

No wonder someone tossed them away. What good are hands without opposable thumbs?!

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My diet seems to be going well. Although I lost most of my weight during the first few weeks, it is still slowly coming off. At least I'm still losing, right? I'd tell you the secret to my diet, but do you really want to be taking dietary advice from a 240 pound man?

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I was having lunch with Superfan John Schaljo at the park when I spotted this little scene in the gravel parking lot. It says so much about life and the contrast between young and old. Okay, so maybe not, but it was a cool shot anyway.?

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Tonight was our CCD/yellowbook reunion. For these of you who don't already know the whole messed up story, Yellowbook is the company who fired the entire company nearly two years ago. There were hundreds of us suddenly looking for jobs in our small town. Hundreds of unemployed people may not sound like much, but you have to consider that the town's population is only around 10,000. Anyway, I don't want to get into that whole discussion about those British SOB's who own the company right now. It was a business decision and luckily I have been able to land on my feet.

The reunion was a blast, but I only had the chance to stay for a few hours. Since her Majesty has asthma, she couldn't go with me to the bar where the reunion was held. So while I visited, she went shopping. I had told her that I would be ready to leave around 8pm (I got there at 6), but once everyone started showing up I wished that I could have stayed longer. Friends whom I hadn't seen in years were still arriving even as I left.

Oh well, life goes on.

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Two guys are looking at a magazine. One man shows the other an advertisement.

“What the heck is that?”

“It's electric tweezers.”

“Damn. It looks like it would tear the hair right out! Women are crazy.”

“Yeah, it looks painful.”

“I don't understand why they do that to themselves. It's not like we wouldn't f#@k them anyway.”

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I'm sitting here in the park on my lunch hour. It's still a bit chilly outside and no children are around. Right now I am watching a police K9 unit chase tennis balls and retrieve them. I snicker a bit because to the looks of me, its not the dog that needs the exercise.

Just in case any of you readers are people who I used to work with at CCD, I wanted to announce that we are having a big reunion on Saturday the 18th at the Midway. The get together starts at 6:30. It sounds like a whole lot of people are planning to attend, so it should be quite a time.
You may know that some of the core friends and I get together for dinner bi-monthly just to keep in touch, but this one on the 18th is a much bigger event. Whereas our bi-monthly dinner usually consists of 6 people, this one might include the entire company, over 100 people!

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I really don't have a whole lot going on right now. My life is pretty bland. I keep thinking over and over that I need to get off my ass and start remodelling our bathroom. It'll be an arduous undertaking because I will have to shim one of the walls nearly an inch to make it square. If I could ever get started on it, I think that it would move along. its just the getting started that is the mountain that I have to conquer.Part of my apprehention is that even after working on the house for years, I still doubt my construction abilities. I'm no carpenter. I don't even play one on tv. I trust my wood working skills about as much as I'd trust Marlon Brando with a plate of cookies.

But I need to finish the room sometime. It's filthy from all of the remodelling because we use the sink to clean all of the brushes from woirking on the other room. The girls call it "the Boys Room" because niether of them want to go near it. It reminds them of a dingy gas station bathroom. The truth is, it has become more of a storage area than a functioning bathroom. It's full of rubbermaid tubs, Drywall mud, gallons of paint, plaster, and god knows what else. It's basically a closet with a toilet.

But with a new sink, a straightened wall, some panelling, a new vinyl floor, and an exhaust fan, it could be nice. Sounds like a lot of work....

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Yesterday it was brought to my attention that a plan was being developed without my knowlege. Apparently, my sister-in-law and her new born baby are planning to fly here from Idaho this summer. It'll be a nice visit since none of us have been able to travel there and see the baby. Both Her Majesty and The Brat are really looking forward to the visit. Since the baby arrived, they have been talking alot on the telephone and have grown closer than they were before. So that is the awesome part.

The part that I have a problem with is that I was told that The Brat is wanting to travel back to Idaho with them by car. Its a 24 hour drive and that makes me nervous enough. Especially knowing that the kids will have to be alone in the car everytime they stop for gas, brathroom brakes, etc. So, no, I am definitely not thrilled about that. But the part that disturbs me the most is that The Brat would fly home two weeks later - alone.

I know, I know. Thousands of children fly alone each day and I have never heard of anything bad happening to them on the news or otherwise. But those are other peoples' kids. and I am talking about MY kid.The fact that she has never flown before notwithstanding, it still makes me nervous as hell. What if there were a layover, of she missed her flight. What if she gets lost in the airport and no one is there to help her? I mean, this is the same kid that we don't allow to walk across town alone, and I am supposed to be okay with her flying across the country. Am I being overprotective? I don't know.

Sitting at the table. The Brat has just told us an obvious lie about what happened to her at school in an attempt to get us worked up. She knows how to do it.... She’s good at it. And she LOVES doing it.

Her Majesty: "Um.... That’s not true! Don’t lie to us! You know where liars go don’t you?!”
The Brat: "Yep, Vegas."

We had a mini family outing on Saturday. We've both been so busy lately with our jobs and have been spending most of our free time with our grandmothers. Her grandma just moved back and its the first time she has been home since Her Majesty's grandfather has passed away. My grandma has been in the hospital with pneumonia for the past week. Needless to say, we needed some time away from home and family.

We went to the matinee and watched that new scifi/action movie called "Ultra-Violet." The girls weren't too thrilled with it. As a matter of fact, The Brat said that it was "a waste of two hours of her life." -- harsh critic for a 13 year old. I of course, loved it. Any movie that has explosions, vampires, or Mila Jovovch in tight clothes is a winner in my book. And "Ultra Violet" had all three!!!!

But aside from the movie, we went shopping and The Brat got some new curtains and a bedspread. They are solid black of course, as she is going through her punk-rock "dark period" of life. Her room is bright lavender and has a fairly border that goes around the entire room. She threw a fit to get it five years ago. She just HAD to have purple walls. But she's a teenager now, and the room is undergoing a drastic change. The baby dolls and stuffed animals have been packed away and replaced with makeup bags and electric guitars. The Jesse McCarney posters have succumb to the more powerful posters of My Chemical Romance, Good Charlotte, and Green Day. Goodbye soft flitting fairies, hello lords of f@#king darkness. She's even lobbying us for black walls, but we have to draw the line somewhere...

Response to March 2 post

Pissed-Off Letters, we get letters........

This just in from the Amazing Poe. And guess what? It's even more heated than the letter he refers to!

Usually when I write in I have a funny little quip about your posts, but this one just chaps my ass. Don't get me wrong I'm not pissed at you, I'm pissed at the sorry excuse for a person who wrote that letter. Why am I so pissed you ask? Because people like this are allowed to reproduce. I believe in God but I do not believe in a vengeful god. The people who believe that god will smite them are the same people who take the bible as fact. Oh, now you've don't it, you got me started on the bible. If the stories in the bible were fact, then the rest of human science has some explaining to do. I believe the bible was a book of fables meant to teach people right from wrong. Do I believe that people should be good? Yes. Do I believe that if we aren't good then God would flood the world to kill all the non-believers? NO. Now I'm by no means saying that nothing in the bible ever happened, but I cant stand the people who tell me that if I don't believe in the bible word for word them I'm going to spend eternity suffering in my own personal hell (which for me would be a small room with no air-conditioning and the Milkshake song playing over and over). I guess what I'm saying is live and let live. If you believe that you must worship your god every Sunday, then do it, if you believe you must pray multiple time a day while facing Mecca, then do it, and if you believe that God is Mother Nature, and to worship her you must dance naked in the rain during a full moon. Then do it (if your church is full of hot chicks I might even come “worship” with you). But what ever you believe SHUT THE F@#K UP about it. Unless I ask you about your religion don't tell me about it, and for God’s sake don't show up at my door asking of I have found Jesus! Like I said before I believe in God, I just don't believe in a petty spiteful God who kills people when it suits him. And if I'm wrong Ill know it soon after writing this letter.

Tune in next time folks when I tell you why people who use the phrase Melting Pot really piss me off.

- Poe

Okay Poe -- I can clearly see that you are upset. As well you should be, because I am the sorry excuse for a person who wrote that letter and just to let you know, I plan to continue reproducing (or practice producing at least)! I think you missed the whole point of the chain letter. It was written as a joke response to be sent the zealots who continually forward these things. I wrote it specifically to anger them and to get their blood boiling as the story speaks of an angry God. A vengeful, pissed off God who's ready to kick some heathen ass! This ain't your daddy's Christianity here, boy!!! It was a joke to inspire an "Oh, my God (literally) reaction from the zealots. Sorry for the misunderstanding, dude. Now, can I please start reproducing again?

Thursday March 2, 2006

The most horrible chain letter ever written!

WARNING: Good, religious people of Earth.... This post may offend you.

There are a lot of things that I do not like about the internet. Viruses and spam are bothersome, but the bane of my existence is the chain letter. The digital age has made it so easy for us to send these letters that hardly a day goes by that one doesn't end up in my mailbox. Why do people continually send these on? Is anyone actually so naive that they believe in them? Are they actually afraid that breaking the chain will bring some sort of bad fortune?

Its ridiculous! Sometimes you get them and have to read a few paragraphs before you realize that it is a chain-letter! Well, it's time to put an end to these letters, and I've always heard that you should fight fire with fire! The chain letter below starts out like nearly all of the other, but has a deviously disturbing ending. If M. Night Shyamalan were to write a chain letter, this would be it! So the next time a "friend" passes a chain letter to you, paste the letter below into an email and send it back!

WARNING: This is your second damn warning! If this offends you, then I will not take the blame for it.

----- Original Message -----
From: Rodney <mailto:kobeyrod@framed.net>
To:benhimkeka@moohee.com ; fkjones@allison.org ; alleycatz@jenson.org ; kbonnet@keeferprinting.net ; gregandjanet@redlight.org ; jttuber@blacklite.net ; baileyfarm@htctelephone.com ; ericanoland@robey.org ; draxx@longhorn.com ; suegomez@partyline.com ; turtleboy9@yahoo.com ; dr.crampy@wkcommunications.com ; pnut@dreammachine.org ; chipzahoy@keebler.com ; terminal@bcrjegdkhvhyejz.com ; pg4me@mkblvd.org ; minniecan@hotmail.com ; drella@barkerverse.org ; djsmith@rodgers.net ; cornhusker@hotmail.com ; alicej@westbendhome.net ; gogators58@gmail.com ; amishnomore@advanceweb.org ; ronaldocortez@cortez.org ; pimpmyride43@mtv.com ; papasmurf4ever@cyder.com ; dawnanddrew@showbiz.com ; madhatter@cornell.edu ; revereddbaker@flaxweb.com ; ruahoakser@digitalphilanthrophy.net

Subject: Miracles can happen

This is a true story about Melinda Wilson, the executive producer of the television show "Touched By An Angel." It was the summer of 1999 and the fields were green and beautiful in thr town of Loretto, WV. Melinda was traveling through the West Virginia countryside with her 12 year old granddaughter, Emma. They had been together for nearly three weeks, spending some rare quality time during "Touched by An Angel's" off season. The original plan was to fly Emma home, but they were having such a great time, that Melinda decided to bring her home by car. It was an adventure that they looked forward to, and they had a GREAT time. Although she loved her granddaughter dearly, Melinda was concerned about the way that she was being raised. Melinda's daughter was raised be a good Christian, but she had drifted away from her faith during her college years. Melinda was worried that her granddaughter had never found Christ, so she began relaying stories of Jesus while on the trip.

Emma enjoyed learning all about the lessons of Jesus, and her young mind soaked in all that her grandmother told her. She knew of the Lord's love and mercy, and how he sacrificed himself for our sins. They were nearly home now. The dark country roads were obscured by thick fog. Even as they approached within 100 miles of their destination, a group of deer ran in front of the car. Melinda locked up her brakes as the car skidded out of control, tumbling violently down the side of a deep ravine.

The next time Melinda woke up, she was in the hospital. Her daughter and Emma stood by her bed, holding a bouquet of flowers for her. She had little memory of what happened. She remembered the deer, and tumbling down the hill. She remembered the pain of the door being crushed onto her leg as the car rolled. She remembered the screams of her granddaughter as flame began to engulf the car. But she remember nothing else.

Melinda asked the nurses for the name of the person who rescued them from the blazing inferno. She wanted to thank them for saving the life of her granddaughter and herself, but the nurses just gave her a smile without answering.

"They found you two on the side of the road, Mom." Her daughter spoke shakily " They don't understand how either of you could have been thrown from the car and land on top of the ravine."

Little Emma took her grandmother by her hand and leaned towards her ear. "It was Jesus, Grandma, I saw Jesus come and save us. He carried us up the hill and told me that his flock had not been lost."

Send this letter to forty friends within 2 minutes and you too will be surrounded by angels of God. If you don't love God enough to send this on, you will have denounced the Lord and will be attacked by demons from the fiery pits of hell.

Alina Silverman ignored this letter and was burned alive along with her children in a tragic house fire! Greg Burke also ignored this email and had a nervous breakdown, killing everyone in his office, and himself. His soul will burn in hell for all eternity. So if you are a god fearing person, who doesn't want to spend eternity burning in hell alongside your heathen brethren, be sure to pass this along now. Your eternal soul depends on it.

God Bless!

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Wednesday March 1, 2006

February search results are in!

Yep, it's time once again to see the freakish searches that directed people to my site. Proving once again that google is the devil and yahoo is it's little demonly cohort .

Searches that brought people to my website in February.

02-01-06: From: search.msn.com: rendering bottiglia
02-01-06: From: google: Dinky Winky
02-01-06: From: google: Necessity of Visiting Forces Agreement in the Philippines
02-01-06: From: google: lonely mothers
02-01-06: From: google: hamburger meat sculptures
02-01-06: From: google: gene simmons circa 1977
02-01-06: From: google.co.uk: meat innuendos
02-01-06: From: google.com: removing super glue off leather car seats
02-01-06: From: google: sharpie warning pages
02-01-06: From: google: wont clog pores
02-02-06: From: google: highlighter in a bottle
02-03-06: From: google: official bookshelf instructions make your own
02-03-06: From: google.co.kr: rosanne bar
02-03-06: From: google: kryptonian naming convention
02-03-06: From: google: clever marine nerd costume
02-03-06: From: google: create your face by detail
02-03-06: From: google: I have rectal discharge
02-04-06: From: xomcast.net websearch: merideth birney baxter photos
02-05-06: From: google: glue gun prop
02-06-06: From: google: stuff to put in glass jars
02-06-06: From: google: meaning of the word hiatus
02-06-06: From: google: build your own head
02-07-06: From: search.msn.com: creative ideas for all about me projects
02-08-06: From: google: carrots in your anus
02-08-06: From: google: giant terrorist arrows
02-08-06: From: google: puppy picture with creepy eyes
02-08-06: From: google: rectal discharge picture
02-08-06: From: google: aluminum hat repel alien waves
02-10-06: From: google: make your hair look cool
02-10-06: From: google: hgtv reno application
02-10-06: From: google: instructions on making jar lights
02-13-06: From: google: great chicken
02-13-06: From: google: Dating requirements
02-13-06: From: google.gr: blog "beach party" prepare
02-15-06: From: google: personal facts aristotle
02-15-06: From: google: sasquatch in illinois?
02-16-06: From: searchmsn.com: wyona ryder=stealing
02-16-06: From: google: personal facts aristotle
02-16-06: From google.co.uk/: instructions to make paper stuff
02-16-06: From google: coffee recommended dose
02-16-06: From google: planarian cartoon
02-16-06: From google: what to do about an infected picked at scab
02-16-06: From google: photo of rene dahinden
02-17-06: From google: who goosed the moose
02-16-06: From google: how to crash a pop can on your forehead
02-16-06: From yahoo: voodoo curse bird cross
02-20-06: From: yahoo: eyeball sticker
02-21-06: From: search.msn.nl: chicken little desktop teams
02-21-06: From: google: mutant hair
02-21-06: From: google: buy lucky leprechaun figure 12 inchs tall
02-21-06: From: yahoo: EFFINGHAM ILL. PORN
02-21-06: From: google: merideth baxter birney
02-20-06: From: google: crazy glue glass accident
02-24-06: From: yahoo: cool looking spiders .
02-24-06: From: google: fruition anus
02-27-06: From: yahoo: www.google.com BIG ASS ADVENTURE
02-27-06: From: google.co.nz: Super cool stuff that zane doesnt like
02-28-06: From: google: awesome questionnaires
02-28-06: From: google: dentist haliburton
02-28-06: From: google: cool dead head stuff
02-28-06: From: google: scraps the zombie

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Tuesday April 25, 2006

Dear Internet,
Today was full of vile feelings and embarrassing events. Those of you who have talked to me recently know that I have some sort of sinus problem right now. I'm not sure what caused it, but I did spend a lot of time outdoors this weekend. So because of that, I'm going to blame my sinus infection on Aaron Zane. What does Aaron Zane have to do with nature, you ask? Why nothing, of course, but I haven't blamed anything on him for a long, long time, and the bastard doesn't even read my blog. So lets officially decree that Aaron somehow caused my sinus infection.

The doctor gave me some type of super-high potency antibiotics for it. It's called Zmax. Zmax comes in a small bottle and it is some sort of banana-cherry flavored liquid chalk which you must consume all at once. The good news is that you only need to take it once. The bad news is that it made me feel as if a troupe of Russian dancing bears were jumping on my stomach. It was one of the worst stomach aches that I've had in decades, and I refuse to take that stuff ever again. It was so painful that I couldn't sleep until about 4am this morning. It wouldn't be such a big deal if I didn't have to leave for work at 7am. So I think that this medicine should only be given to those in our community who are living on the welfare system. And even then, it should only be prescribed to those who refuse to get a job.

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Sunday April 23, 2006

I took this lil' snapshot of a bumblebee chowing down on the honeysuckle at Her Majesty's grandmother's house. The beauty of nature always amazes me in the Spring. I must have watched this little bee for a half an hour as it happily buzzed from one flower to the next. Then I killed it with a flyswatter! Damned stinging son-of-a-bitches!!!! Just kidding....

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Friday April 21, 2006

Thanks to all of you for your birthday wishes. I especially wish to show my gratitude to all of you who offered to buy me new underwear. And while these gestures were both kind and thoughtful, they were totally unnecessary. Let me assure you that I still have plenty of underwear which can aptly holster my equipment. A special thanks goes out to White Raven for sending me the link to the enormous page of thong underwear. Nothing looks better on a guy's monitor at work than an entire page of banana- hammocks when he checks his email over lunch.

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Thursday April 20, 2006

I've prattled on and on about my weight loss over the past few months and I'm sure that you are all getting sick of reading about it. I'm trying not to focus on it because I have seen so many people obsess over their weight for the past few months. As a matter of fact, I even made a point to stop weighing myself on the scale. I've known for some time that I need to go out and buy some new clothes. Hell, I even had to take a leather punch to some of my belts to add holes, but today was the last straw. I will buy new clothes soon, no matter how damn poor I am. So you could easily say that I am accustomed to poor fitting closes right now. But never had I expected to be faced with chronic "flop."

I went to work today as I always do, business casual with a pair of Dockers and my trusty leather shoes. But as the day wore on, I realized that something was different. Very different. Uncomfortably different. Let me preface the following by explaining to the female readers, the construction of male undergarments. The male underwear, briefs to be specific, contain a small opening in the front which consists of two small overlapping pieces of material. It is designed to give the male a point of access, if you will, to his uh, member. This system works fine until a pair of underwear no longer fits properly. You see, I discovered that loose underwear allows the "access door" to remain open due to the lack of tension in the material. So my day consisted of uncomfortable positioning in the "happy region" that I couldn't fix without looking like a pervert. Adjustments are necessary sometimes. They are a part of nature, just like death, tornados, and Harry Connick Jr. Sadly, nature has a way of making us uncomfortable at times.

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Wednesday April 19, 2006

Today is my 36th birthday. Sioux and Jon bought me lunch, but Deb made me wear a sombrero. It is hot outside today and I don't know why my car smells of vinegar.

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Saturday April 15, 2006

This shocking photo, smuggled out of a Korean sweat-shop shows a bullwhip wielding Easter Bunny forcing small children to decorate his eggs. While rumors of this revelation have been circulating since the early 1970's, this photo provides the proof needed for the authorities to take action. Early this morning, the FBI seized the Easter Bunny at his Texas ranch estate. Word on the street is that a special session of congress is being called to review this disturbing case.

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Wednesday April 12, 2006

I had an extremely embarrassing moment this morning while I was at the gas station. I was at the pump, quickly lining the pockets of some Saudi prince. The Bonneville was chugging away at the pump, like a Frat boy beer bonging on pledge week. Across for me on the next pump was a lady in a white dress and her child. She eyed me suspiciously before leaving the preteenage boy alone in the car while she went in to pay. I must look trustworthy in my business casuals because she went ahead and went into the building. She had performed the quick judgement that parents often do when decisions involve their children. She probably thought to herself "thirty something an, wedding ring, four door family car, leather shoes and khakis. He must be sure."

Let me preface the following information by reminding you that the Bonneville has nearly 250,000 miles on it, so the regular check of fluids is a must. I popped the hood and checked the oil. Sure enough, it was low so I got a quart from the trunk and prepared to add it to the engine.

At this time, it was as if the fates were once again playing a cruel joke on me, laughing from the heavens above. For some reason, the plastic cap on the oil can wouldn't come off. It had somehow managed to cling to the little plastic ring on the outside of the neck. So I left it. I knew that the Fates frown upon me and I knew that by pulling the lid free, I would inadvertently sling oil all over myself. So I decided to follow the cautious path and leave the cap dangling from the ring. Unfortunately, that damned dangling cap somehow got in the way of the neck of the can, causing a small amount of oil to spill on the engine before I could aim the oil properly. No big deal, or so I thought.

It just so happens that at that exact moment, the lady in the white dress entered the scene. The same nice lady who had judged me "okay and safe" to leave near her unattended son. The instant she walked past me, the spilled oil belched forth a huge cloud of black smoke which rolled across the gas station lot and right into her. She turned to look at me as if saying "Hmph, and I thought that you were okay." and I returned with a blank stupefied look. All I could think of was "My car usually doesn't smoke like this. I'm not white trash, really."

The lady in white got into her car, leaving me and my khakis standing amidst the eruption of smoke and burning oil.

And the fates Laughed once again.

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Wednesday April 12, 2006

I don't know if I've mentioned this or not, but I have been spending a lot of time building a page about the guys in my old Marine Corps unit. It's been very time consuming and has been eating up all of the time usually spent writing for this blog. So bear with me while I get those pages built. I'm still going to update here, but it may be less frequent than usual. Once I get the pages posted, I will link to it here if you'd like to check it out.

It's so nice out today that I want to leave work early and go fishing. But I can't because things are so friggin’ hectic in my life right now. Whenever I get really stressed, I always try to remember some words of advice that my Grandmother once told me. She said “Derek, never have sex with a duck.” I've always found her advice to be sound and every time I've had a chance to have sex with a duck, her kind words always steer me clear. Thank you Grandma.

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Sunday April 9, 2006

I drove my daughter to a birthday party held at the skating rink of a neighboring town. I drive through this town every day on my commute to work and Her Majesty actually works there, but I never really see much of it. It's a tiny town of 1500 people and is the standard mid-western small farming community. Did I mention that I grew up in this town?

So instead of driving home, I took a three hour trip down memory lane. I grew up out in the country . The woods were my playground, the creek my swimming pool and my favorite toys were my rifle and fishing pole. I drove slowly down the roads, giving the once familiar wave to the people as I passed by. Out in the country, everybody waves. It's like a courteous way to say "Hello neighbor." even if the people are strangers.

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Wednesday April 5, 2006

I'm not sure who came up with this originally, but it's way cool!!!

Today at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.

That won't ever happen again.............

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Tuesday April 4, 2006

A guy at work announced that his wife was pregnant as he carried around the sonogram printout. It seems like there are little babies all around me this week. Perhaps that is what led to this strange email banter:

Me: You know what I just thought of? Remember when you were worried about going into labor and I told you that it would be okay because “even stupid people do it.” I don’t know what made me think of that...... But it's still funny.

Sioux: I remember when you would say stuff like, "You better hope that baby doesn't have fingernails 'cause it will scratch you on the way out!"

That's what friends are for.

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Tuesday April 4, 2006

A brief exchange while rushing towards the kitchen during lunch hour:

Me: “Ha! I beat you! I’m faster than you.”

Sioux: “Maybe, but you’re stupid.”

Me: “Well, you’re stupid too!”

Sioux: “But you’re stupider!”.

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So what is all of the fuss about? Why drive to St. Louis and pick up Her Majesty's sister and her husband? Aside from visiting them, we got to meet the newest addition to the family!

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I saw a bad wreck yesterday as I was leaving work. I won't go into any details about it except to say that I was standing by the young lady who was trapped in the car, reassuring her that she was going to be okay and that help was on the way. I held her hand, as she coughed blood and fought to stay awake. The ambulance arrived after what seemed like a half an hour although it was actually mere minutes. As they cut the door from the car and placed her on the stretcher, I could only think of how this young lady's life had been transformed in a matter of seconds, and how life as we know it could be snuffed out like a candle in a at any time.

Almost all of the horrible incidents in our lives comes down to the random chaos of timing. Had she not have turned left, the accident would have been avoided.

I have had wrecks in the past that were the result of this bad timing. Random accidents where I have struck deer come to mind. I remember thinking how if I had left work on time, I wouldn't have hit it. Or how if I had driven the speed limit I would have been past the area where the deer were. If I had taken the time to call Her Majesty before leaving work, If I had stopped to buy fuel, or if I hadn't stopped to fill my coffee cup from my thermos. The choice of all of these acts entwined to form the precise timing needed to strike the deer.

But hindsight is 20/20 as they say, proving that we have only a limited role in our own destiny, at best.

The young lady in the accident is alive, but in intensive care at the hospital. I hope and pray that she gets better soon so that she can get back into the game of life.

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5 Things that I never want to do.
1) Eat a raw opossum
2) Fight Mike Tyson
3) Have to take liver medicine
4) Have to sell one of my kidneys to pay for that same liver medicine
5) Matt Damon

My 6 favorite movie lines to quote in casual conversation:
1) "It is not a tumor!" - Arnold Schwarzenegger in Kindergarten Cop
2) "Run Forrest! Run!" - Jenny in Forrest Gump
3) "How art thou Dog?" - Will Ferrell in Bewitched.
4) "Nobody puts baby in the corner." - Patrick Swayze in Dirty dancing
5) "Smoke up Johnny!" - Jud Nelson in The Breakfast Club
6) "Boy, you shure do got a perdy mouth....." Redneck in Deliverance

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I only have four more days until vacation and as usual, I have gotten my annual eye infection. This is the third year in a row that I've developed a Quasimodo eye right before I take off from work. Surely there are some unknown mystical forces at work, because the probability of getting infections is next to none.

So if you are a warlock or witch who is getting back at me, please cut it out. I'm sure that I'm sorry for whatever I did to anger you. (unless you are that old man who drives like an idiot on my commute to work -- then you got what was coming to you!)

Me: "I'm sorry that I got another eye infection this year. I hate having a swollen Quasimodo eye."

Her Majesty: "Awwwww Honey, I LOVE your Quasimodo eye."

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I went walking with Her Majesty and the Brat yesterday. It's a 3 mile trek, and we always make sure to take a bottle of water for each of us since the summer nights are so hot in Illinois. But after about seven blocks into the walk, the brat asked me for a drink of water.

"Where is your bottle?" I asked.

"I left it at home. I forgot to pick it up whenever I put my shoes on.

"I guess so." I said as I handed her the water.

She takes a big drink and hands it back. "Make sure you wipe off the rim before you take a drink, Dad" she advised me.

"Why?" I asked confused.

"Because I'm wearing lipstick."

"You wear lipstick to go on a walk at 10 o'clock at night?"

"I always wear lipstick. And eyeliner."

"Really?"

"Yeah, so even if I drank with my eye, I'd still tell you to wipe off the rim."

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Whew! Just a few more days until vacation! I'm taking 17 days off of work beginning next Friday. I don't take much time off during the year, so this should be a really nice chance to “wind down” from my day-to-day life. We don't have many plans. I'm hoping to stay at home and relax. Maybe go camping, watch movies, visit family, etc.

Don't worry, I should be around enough to post regularly, but it may be posted several days at once, but I imagine you are used to that by now. The vacation posts might be rather boring though, something like the following: “Today I slept, then played X-Men Legends 2 on the Playstation, then slept some more.”

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We got several more shots in from my friend Lisa Tebbe. I know that I have bragged on about her skill to capture the "essence" or personality of a person in her photos. I think it's safe to say that she has done it again, especially with the Brat. Check out Lisa's website to see more of her work or to schedule an appointment.

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This has been an awesome week for Derek's electronic toy collection. Not only did I get a brand spanking new iPod, but I also got a new cell phone. This one actually blows away my clunky old phone. Now I can listen to the radio through my phone while I take a photo with it at the same time.

I was dreading the telephone exchange. There's nothing more exciting than spending an evening entering a hundred numbers from one phone to another. It wouldn't take long before an RSI sets in on your thumbs.

Enter the discovery of the magical SIMS card. This mysterious card let me copy all of the numbers from one phone to another, saving my poor thumbs for more exciting things, like typing this blog entry. I'm not sure what SIMS stands for, but I think it may be Surely It'll Make it Simpler or Surprise! It's Magic Stupid.

Whatever the case, I praise ye Chinese scientists who invented the SIMS card. Your toil and spree intellect has made it easy for this stupid American enter his phone numbers.

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Why is it that birds crap on everything in the park except the ground? Do these small winged creatures have a higher intellect that we give them credit for? No matter where I go to sit, it is covered with bird droppings, while the surrounding areas remain poop free! Surely this proves that our little flying friends possess some sort of sense of humor, right? Why else would they dive bomb the picnic tables and benches while leaving everything else untouched?
I often see large groups of birds sitting on the trash barrels, yet they remain unsoiled. So the tables obviously aren't covered in crap just because the birds sit on them. If that were the case, then not only would the trash barrels be covered, but the ground below the trees would be waist deep with bird crap.

No, the birds are laughing at us. Reveling in the way that we sit on feces covered wooden tables. Maybe it's payback for all of the childhood years where I hunted sparrows with my Daisy BB-gun. Who really knows? One thing is for certain though, there is a conspiracy afoot.

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Oh, alright! They're not new grills, they're just some chewing gum wrappers.

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Dear Internet,

I am an idiot! When I started this thing back in 2004, the site was always kept to what I believed was a "PG-13" rating. But I've had a lot of really life-changing things going on in the past few months. Some good, some bad, but all of them had set me in the most cynical, foul mouthed mood that I'd been in for years. So lately I've let this site slip down the path of an "R" rating. And since I feel that my content may be driving away my normal readership (or attracting unwanted readership), I will be going back into the Archives to remove and/or reword some entries.

Don't worry though, I don't intend to change any content, merely modify or tone-down the manner of how things are presented. I want this blog to be something that is safe for my daughter to read. So if my colorful, foul language has upset anyone, I apologize and intend on correcting it. I truly hope that I have your support in this matter.... dammit.

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