2007 - The Year In Review
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Saturday, January 27, 2007
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Friday, January 26, 2007
They finally figured it out.
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Tuesday, January 23, 2007
The Stentch.
I had dreams, BIG dreams. A dream in where I could get into my car and feel refreshed by the sweet smell of the outdoors. No more would my car smell of cigarette smoke, ass, and remnants of summer fishing trips. I dreamt of a day where Wendy could sit in the passenger seat without immediately making an face like she'd just been smacked by a cloud of funk.
And this weekend I thought that the dream had come true. Yes! I discovered a miracle cure in the form of tiny blue air fresheners. These tiny blue sticks of gel-like goodness promised to be my saviors from the odorific hell that is my car.
And the promise on the packaging was right!! Almost immediately the smell of ass and smoke was gone. The only problem was that the former funk was now replaced with an equally (if not more horrible) stench. The problem with the "Outdoor Breeze" is that it has become overused. To my chagrin, this scent has be used repeatedly in bathrooms, So much so that instead of equating the smell with "fresh air," I equated it with "public restroom". So perhaps they need to repackage it to say "Clean Public Restroom Scent!"
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Thurday, January 18, 2007
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Thurday, January 18, 2007
Letters, we get letters........
Timmaay sent in this email with a snippet from the biblebelievers.org link from the January 16th post:
Subject: Your biblebelievers.org link...
"Many people are going to die between now and the year 2,000. Cash will disappear, and with it most crime. Inheritance and private property will be abolished, as will the individual home and family life and ALL religions established and existing at the time, along with patriotism and all ordered national governments so that the Luciferian ideology of totalitarianism may be imposed on mankind. Technological development and economic growth will be severely cut back. Man will be required to live like his ancestors. Man will come once again to conform to the law of the survival of the fittest. Many things we now take for granted, like motor cars, will be absent. The old, the infirm and the handicapped will be eliminated, and the unproductive killed."
Okay Timmaay! So the site may be a little extreme, and maybe just a wee-bit wrong about the year 2000! Sheesh! Just because I link to something doesn't mean that all of you guys are supposed to really look at it........
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Wednesday, January 17, 2007
A blast from the past!
while working on making an interactive dvd of our old photos,I ran into this old photo.This was the tree that was outside of the window where I used to work. We had always called it the penis-tree, but eventually the grounds keepers cut the appendage off.
I guess it became the eunuch tree.
I'm spending a bit of time trying to learn how to use iDVD on my Mac at work. It's realy cool software that lets you build interactive media that can be played on your television dvd player. I'm hoping to put all of our digital photos going clear back to 2003 on an interactive dvd and give a copy to our reletives. it's a lot of work, especially since I'm working in 10-15 minute increments. I should be finished sometime around 2009.
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Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Listen to them.....
The children of the night!
I just found out something pretty cool! According to the news, Dracula's Castle is up for sale. (Read the article here.) Well, I guess it's not really Dracula, but the person that the vampire character was based from, Vlad the Impaler. Apparently the castle is on auction for 78 million.
As you can see, it's not the creepy, musty old place that you'd expect, but a beautifu, clean palace.
Another strange thing about this sale is that it is currently owned by the Habsburg family. This is the family that supposedly can trace their lineage back to biblical times and claims to be the descendants of Jesus and Mary Magdalene.
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Sunday, January 14, 2007
A tale of Halloween past.
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Saturday, January 13, 2007
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Friday, January 12, 2007
Driven insane.
A conversation about who will drive everyone to the Chinese buffet for lunch.
Captain Alex: We can take my car, but it's junky.
Reverend Ed: Your Jeep? Whatever! Have you ever been in my truck? My truck is ghetto!
Mrs. Val: My car is too!
Me: I'm driving a loaner from the body shop. It's a real "hoopti" piece of shit.
Mrs. Val: Umm..... I have to start my car with an Allen wrench.
Me: You win, Val.
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Thursday, January 11, 2007
Black-balled.
So, the other day I got this cryptic message from a Mr. Timmaaaay:
“Expect something soon. But only when you're least expecting it...”
Then I got THIS package in the mail today!!!! Check out the pic!!
Included with the package was a single black "stress-ball." A stress-ball that looks remarkably similar to the one that we used to play catch with in the office. A stress-ball that Timmaaay had promised to leave for Sioux and I when he left back in February of 2006.
So I guess I have to apologize for being such a jerk to Timmaay back in this post.
In response to getting the package, the following email banter between Timmaay, Me and Sioux occurred.
Me: Uh........ Yeah, I take that whole “you lied to me” thingy back. You're true to your word Timmaaay!
So when did you find it? Thanks for making me laugh out loud. I emailed a pic of it to Sioux too. I'll definitely be playing with it from now on. (Get your mind outta’ the gutter!!!)
Timmaay: But of course!!! (read with French accent)
I still say I left one there...cause I used to have two. What a sacrifice eh? They're really fun though, all jibbly and mushy. I hope you enjoy it. And I hope that not everybody gets blackballed in the eye or something. So yeah...have fun.
Oh and by the way, if you read into this email and think that its any combination of sick or twisted then one of two things are necessarily true (and probably both).
1. You're a big perv!
2. It all goes back to Skal-jo. I swear!
By the way...I was thinking about something I haven't heard in a while and kinda miss. That is: "God Tim!!! I can't believe you said that!!! What a dick!!!"
Have a lovely Friday afternoon.
Sioux: I knew that little S.O.B. was a liar!
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Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Smack-Dab in the center!
Well, it's been two whole years since I've hit a deer with my car, so I guess it shouldn't be surprising that I got one tonight. For any readers who are urban-folk, deer accidents in this area are as common as drive by shootings for you guys. When I called the Sheriffs office to report the accident, they told us that there had already been three deer collisions that night.
The body shop quoted it as three-thousand dollars in damage. YAAAAAY!!!!
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Thursday, January 04, 2007
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Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Anniversary Time
Yep. It's that time of year again. Another anniversary for me and Wendy!
18 years ago, two young people ignored almost everyones warnings, eloped to Kentucky and got married. We've made it through extensive military separations, a short war, raising a daughter, and the toughest strain that a marriage can face; a home remodelling.
So here we are nearly two decades later, standing stronger than ever before. Here's to the next 20 years and the adventures life will bring. I love ya' Babe.
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Tuesday, January 02, 2007
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Tuesday, January 02, 2007
The Squirrel of Hades
The Brat shot a photo of this dead squirrel while she was on a walk. We aren't really sure why the squirrel was dead, but we think it was the work of satanists! Observe the Ronnie James Dio-esque hand symbol that the poor critter was gesturing at the time of his demise.
Could this be a clue to some sinister plot to destroy all of the country's yard vermin? Let us pray not!
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Tuesday, January 02, 2007
Ch-ch-changes.
You'll probably notice something different about the look of the weblog. Mainly that the top navigation is missing. Instead of having a separate link for each individual month like before, I'm only going to use a simple "next" and "Previous" buttons from now on.
Will it make these pages easier to navigate? Nope.
But it will keep me from having to update thirty-something web pages at the end of each month.
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Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Letters, we get letters........
Timmaay sent in this letter.
Well it's early Tuesday morning...and I just got done with a TV mini marathon of last night's Heroes and X-men 3...so naturally my sensory perception for the paranormal was very alert. So I made what I thought would be a normal stop at your blog to see what life has thrown at you lately, and what you threw back (up). "Sheesh he's been sick..." I thought. "Cool robot." I was impressed that the Brat did some soldering. And then I saw it... BA NA NAAAAHHH.
There near the top of the current month's page, just above the most recent post, was a link to none other than...."Next Month." Could this really be true? Was this truly a portal through the fabric of space and time itself that offered a glimpse of what will happen in the days and weeks to come!?! Could this be the tool I need to beat the stock market? To see a light at the end of the tunnel for this sickness that is home remodeling?!
No... wait a second... it would probably just inform me about Derek's next charfing... And then I clicked it and it didn't even do that much... Sigh... That was almost VERY cool.
Reply:
Tim, you may not realize it, but be clicking on the "Next Month" button, you traveled precisely 22.39 seconds into the future. Now, that may not sound very exciting to you, but what is truly astounding is that your displaced body was replaced by a highly intelligent three-toed sloth named Rex McGovern for those 22.39 seconds which you traveled. Rex serves as the "fill-in" guy for the International Society of Wayward Travelers of Time and Continuity (ISWTTC), of which you inadvertently joined by clicking the "next month" button.
Don't worry though, ISWTTC membership is free. Expect an ipod shuffle in the mail last Wednesday.
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Sunday, February 25, 2007
Hair today, gone tomorrow
I guess all of the sweating that I did when my fever broke really messed up my face. It was burning like crazy and I ended up shaving off my mustache because it was so uncomfortable. So here is the before, during, and after pics for your viewing pleasure.
| Stage 1:
Just Me
This is the typical old "me." This is more or less how I have looked for the past 15 years or so, I've shaved it off before, but always immediately begin growing a new one. I just don't feel comfortable without it. |
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| Stage 2:
The "Half-Stache"
Here I am with half of a mustache. I call this my "Bert or Bertha" look.
(10 points to anyone who gets this obscure ED Wood reference.) |
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| Stage 3:
The Nazi
Ever wonder what I would look like if I were the reincarnation of Hitler? Yeah, me neither. But here is what I'd look like if I were. |
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| Stage 4:
The Babyface
Here I am clean shaven and fresh as a newborn babe. If you like this look, you better enjoy this pic because I'm sure that this look won't last. |
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Saturday, February 24, 2007
I haven't posted in a long time because I've had a really nasty case of the flu. I guess my money was wasted on the flu shot this year because it sure as hell didn't save me from it. I felt horrible. You know that feeling that you get right before you throw up? Where you can feel the acrid taste of your stomach acid in your mouth as you fight the urge to vomit? Well I had that feeling non-stop for two friggin' days! I never fully threw up, but I came close a lot. Maybe I should have just relented to the urge and spewed everywhere to get it over with, but I was afraid to open the flood gates. Who knows what would have happened?!
I tried to be the good Dad though and even though I missed work for two days, I managed to help the Brat with her science project. She had to build something that ran off of a "D" sized battery and carried three loads. So we built a robot with illuminated eyes and spinning arms. It could have been a lot cooler, but between the short time that she had to finish it and my being ill, we did the best that we could. She ended up doing a whole lot of it herself including the cutting, painting and even a little soldering. I was impressed. The project even had an on-off switch and carried four loads on the battery.
And speaking of loads..... As day three approached, my urge to puke was replaced by the overwhelming desire to fill my pants with runny poop. It was a blast. Nothing make a sick person feel better that a mad dash to the toilet every twenty minutes! Sorry for being so graphic, I hope none of you are suffering from morning sickness or have weak stomachs (right Sioux,? Heh, heh, heh.). But all is better now. I just hope Wendy and the Brat don't come down with it.
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Monday, February 18, 2007
Her Spirit of Vengeance
We went and watched the new Ghost Rider movie over the weekend. It was decent, but I don't think that I'd pay to see it again. The story was really cheesy, but the effects kicked ass – so I guess they kind of balanced out to be an “okay” flick. The Brat wasn't much for it though, but I think that's because she really hates Nicholas Cage. As a matter of fact, she told me that the best part of the whole movie was getting to see Nicholas Cage’s head catch on fire.
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Saturday, February 17, 2007
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Friday, February 16, 2007
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Thursday, February 15, 2007
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Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Resistance is futile.
I took The Brat out to play pool while Wendy was visiting her best friend. We had a good time and I was surprised to find out how much better she is at pool than she used to be. We played three of four rounds of pool and a couple of Air Hockey games and other misc video games. I’ve always loved games, and growing up in the 80’s fueled my fire. I always considered myself a pretty good gamer. I sat for months playing the Atari console that I'd gotten for Christmas and it helped that the local arcade was owned by one of my best friend’s father.
So when I got the high score on the driving game this weekend, I was thrilled to know that I still have “it”, even at the ripe old age of 36. But I'm no kid anymore....... And I realized that when I got to add my 3 initials to the high score hall of fame and I entered my name as DAD.
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Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Ice, ice baby
There was an ice storm here in Illinois that makes the snow in New York look miniscule. When I left my building for lunch, there was enough ice on my car that I almost couldn't open my car door. So instead of driving to the park, I had to sit in the parking lot and dethaw my windows. It was horrible. I barely survived!
Then I saw this giant feral penguin scooting on the ice as I tried to make it back to work!
Never trust a penguin after it has tasted human flesh!
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Monday, February 12, 2007
Blast from the Past
Over the past 6 months or so, I've been trying to locate some of my old friends who served in the Marine Corps with me back in the early 1990's. I've had some decent like so far, but got a surprise when I found the whereabouts of my ex-Commanding Officer last night. It was an unlikely way to find him, but I saw him on TV.
We had rented a newly released DVD called "The Marine." It promised to be an old Swazeneggar style ass-kicking movie, but fell short in my opinion. I think the movie sucked quite honestly, but we went ahead and suffered through the entire thing.
Now I'm a sucker for the extra features on DVDs. We always make sure to check them out, even if the movies were bad. Hell, sometimes the extras are better than the movies themselves!
This movie in particular had a short film covering the premier of the movie's release at Camp Pendleton in California. Of course I was interested since I spent some time there back in 1989. And as the feature began, a familiar face appeared on the screen! It was my former CO Captain Seaton! Now a Colonel, he is in charge of the entire base!
I excitedly told Wendy, who didn't remember him. So I went to the book case and dug out my old Mediterranean Float book and showed her a photo of him. The same James Seaton, who's appearance ironically hasn't changed much over the years.
That in itself is strange, because Marine Corp years usually equals four civilian years. Meaning that if you see a Marine that looks 35, he's probably only 23. The Corps has a way of weathering long-timers' appearances.
It was cool to see him again and know that he's doing well serving our country.
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Saturday, February 10, 2007
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Friday, February 09, 2007
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Thursday, February 08, 2007
Piss-poor photo choice.
Captain Alex spotted this rather disturbing ad for a stock photography agency. Take note of the strange placement of one of the stalks of wheat. Is this an accident? Are Alex and I just sickos? Or did the photographer slip this one in because it looks like the girl is peeing through her jeans?
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Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Real Sea-Monsters.
Have you heard about the bizarre prehistoric shark that they found in Japan earlier this week? It totally blew my mind when I saw it, and if you think the pictures are strange be sure to check out this link that shows a video of the thing swimming around.
Stuff like this makes me think twice about how we disbelieve in the old sailor’s tales about sea serpents. If there is anything comparable to the old wood cut illustrations of sea monsters, it's this shark. This shark IS a sea monster in my opinion!
Can you imagine seeing something like this thing swimming towards you? I swear I'd instantly turn into a “human squid”. And by that, I mean that I imagine that I'd immediately shoot out a dark cloud behind me as I'd swim away.
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Tuesday, February 06, 2007
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Monday, February 05, 2007
Letters, we get letters........
Back in December, I posted a photo of "Old Folks Sausage" that I discovered at the grocery store. Today I received the following email from a gentleman named Dick:
Subject: December 4, post
Somebody must like Old Folks Sausage. The business has supported three generations of their family. (They are my cousins and their kids). The commercials are pretty funny, tho.
- Dick Purnell.
Well, there certainly wasn't anything creepy about this email, so maybe I'll have to give the "Old Folks Sausage" a try. I'll keep you all posted. And thanks for the email, Dick!
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Sunday, February 04, 2007
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Saturday, February 03, 2007
A Shattered Ego.
I noticed the tag on these hand towels this morning! I was thrilled that Wendy had these custom monogrammed for me, but then she told me its just the brand name. Bummer.
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Friday, February 02, 2007
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Thursday, February 01, 2007
The weird world of work.
Reverend Ed: I'd like a pdf of the page with my bio on it and a pdf of the photo studio page if possible.................. Tanx, you're the Nam!
Me: Ummmmmm....... Actually, I ate the page with your bio on it to steal all of your power!!!!! BWA HA HA HA!!!!! I'll make you a pdf, but I'm keepin’ the power dammit!
Reverend Ed: Ha, the jokes on you Aluminum Turbo Blaster Man...........my power lies in the root stalks of my hair..........oh...........oh shit!!!!
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Tuesday, March 28, 2007
One Sore Eeyore
Last night Wendy and I were trying to print my brother Kaleb’s senior pictures at Walmart, but we got questioned before they’d give us the prints! (Jon said that it’s really a compliment, since they think that they’re professional photographs. I suppose I can see his point, but its still annoying. ) After reviewing our prints, the photo-lab boy (obviously nervous) stammered and stuttered when he said “Ummm, I have to ask you this; Did you take these?”
I simply replied, “yes, I did.” I guess that was good enough for him because he never mentioned it again. But thinking back on it, I should have snapped a picture of him with my cellphone. Then the next time he asks me “Did you really take these photos?” I could reply with “Yes. And here is a photo of you in a leather codpiece spanking a donkey.” I bet that’d shut ‘em up!
Unfortuanately, all of our prints weren't ready so we stopped in this evening to pick them up. I was expecting another "Did you take these photos?" , but was surprised when they actually made me sign a copyright form stating that I, the copyright owner, gave myself permission to make prints of my own photos.
"You're kidding, right?" I asked. "I have to write down that I give myself permission to print my photos?!"
"We have to do this for any professional photos."
"But they're MY photos. And I'm not a professional." I laughed.
"They look professional, so yes you have to sign it."
So begrudgingly I signed it......
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Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Love Stinks! No really, I think it does this time
Spring must officially be here. The air is warm and gentle, birds are chirping in the blossoming trees. The sun basks down upon the earth like a loving mother, cradling her child in a warm, loving embrace. Love is in the air.
You can feel it, taste it, and hear its whispers on the lips of young lovers. You can find love all around us if you take the time to look.
Case in point; this endearing little heart which appears in the middle of a glob of bird shit in the parking lot. Isn't love grand?
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Sunday, March 25, 2007
We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher!
Today was the first real day that it was in the upper seventies. We had a cookout at Her Majesty's parents and The Brat and I got in some good softball practice in. The field was a bit marshy from yesterdays rain, but we trudged through it and played catch. The brat is playing on the same team this year, but is hoping to play third base this summer. She'd played third for the last two years in her previous league, but got moved to right field when she moved up into this league. She was pretty upset because she loved third base and was pretty damned good at it. I think she was more upset ant the reason that she couldn't play third. The coach told her that she was the only girl who could fire the ball into home from was back in the field and that she was more valuable back there.
So just in case she's out there again this year, we practiced the long distance throws. And as embarrassing as it is to say, I think she's got a better arm than I do this year. She was firing them to me with no problem today. Luckily for me that she was too far away to hear me grunt and grimace every time I threw the ball back to her. My shoulder feels like its been through a meat grinder!
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Tuesday, March 20, 2007
The following is a snippet of an email correspondence between the Reverend Ed and I.
Quoth The Revered: ............if you were starting a band in today's world, a really bad choice of names for your band would be 'Renegade Muslims'
Me: Yeah, I think that's why “Cat Stevens and the Bombers” never went back on tour with their “Sheikh Your Booty” tour.
The Revered: ............
Me: As a matter of fact, That whole “Rockin’ the USA” tour has Been Laden with problems……..
The Revered: Jesus, what did I start?
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Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Letters, we get letters........
Bdahnke sent in this letter about my insensitive remarks in the March 17th post.
Derek, Derek, Derek,
When will you learn to be politically correct. As a mother of a child who is handicapped, and by the way quite a good bowler. ( He earned a gold medal at both district and sectionals for Special Olympics) I take offence to your retard comment. Can you beat his 144 game or his 118 average?
Lucky for you I also have a sense of humor. So yes, once again you made me laugh.
bdahnke
Reply:
Sorry, bdahnke, but I don't know if I'll ever be politically correct. Of course, that doesn't mean that I intended on being hurtful or offensive by what I said. I was just trying to point out that I suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck at bowling. There's no doubt in my mind that your son could beat me at it!
Back to my lack of political correctness; I guess that's something that I need to work on. My family always gets mad at me when I refer to the “cripple parking” at store entrances or “flaming faggots” that wear girls clothes and makeup. But that doesn't mean that I'm a hater of either. I have both handicapped and gay friends (but no handicapped gay friends. Hmmmm....something to shoot for???)
Anyway, I never meant any harm with my words, as I'm sure that you realize. Glad to hear that my idiotic ramblings still entertain you once in a while.
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Monday, March 19, 2007
Have you ever wondered where all of those plastic bags that you get at Wal-mart come from? Little do most people know that they are grown right here in the heartland of America! Within the past five years, bag farming has becoming increasingly common in our state. Where as in the late 1990's, it was difficult to spot a field of bags, it's now a common site in rural Illinois. These fields become heavenly white during harvesting season (early July) and you can hear the soft rustle as the bags crinkle in the autumn breeze. "Bagging", as it has become known, has become a successful farming venture for many, especially since this hearty crop has only one pest. Yes, I'm speaking of bag worms. But with proper care and pesticide, bag farming is bringing the farming profession back into the black ink.
In the photo below. You can see the fresh fields of plastic bags before they are harvested.
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Saturday, March 17, 2007
Maybe we needed heavier balls!
We went bowling with Sioux and Stu this evening. Her Majesty and I are what you'd call experienced bowlers. We bowled a few games last summer in Indianapolis, but we'd been in a bowling slump since 1989 prior to that. I enjoy bowling, but I suck. I imagine that I bowl about as well as a retarded 10 year old quadriplegic with gout. It seemed like my first turn ALWAYS went into the gutter no matter what I did. It was if some strange, mystic force pulled my ball into the gutter every time. The more that I tried to compensate for it, the more that I did it. It was embarrassing!
Wendy and Sioux did pretty well, considering that Wendy hasn't bowled often and Sioux has a fetus in her belly. I think Stu may have been playing us though. He was bowling pretty decent in the beginning, but towards the end he released and onslaught of strikes and spares. I think he may go pro! Good thing I didn't bet any money on the game, or they'd own our truck, house and maybe even my “Where the Wild Things Are” toy collection!
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Thursday, March 15, 2007
Driven...... to the poor-house
I've been driving Wendy's truck to work ever since the wreck. It's ridiculously expensive to drive this thing to work! The all-wheel drive behemoth only get about 15 miles per gallon and is quickly eating away at our pocket book. So maybe I need to think of other ways to save money until we get a new vehicle.
I could always quit smoking, but that is a difficult, arduous journey that makes everyone around me live in hell. I need easier ways.
I could quit eating lunch. This would probably save around twenty dollars a week.
And that's about it. I don't spend a lot of money outside of nicotine and sustenance. So maybe I need to focus on ways to earn money.
I could sell a testicle to science for 250k in Mexico, or so it's rumored. But it's illegal here in the U.S. So if the deal went bad, there'd be no way to recoup the money -- or the testicle.
I could have a massive eBay auction and sell all of my antiquated zip discs, book, and home made Halloween decorations.
I could start mowing lawns, but my mower isn't working right now and the grass hasn't really started growing yet.
I could beg for money outside of Wal-Mart on my lunch break. But who'd believe a that a clean shaven chubby guy in dockers needs a hand-out?
Maybe it's time to break down and buy another car.
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Wednesday, March 14, 2007
The following is a snippet of an email correspondence between the Reverend Ed and I
Quoth The Revered:
"The letter W is the only letter that really sounds like what it looks like.....although, it should be called a double V not a double U. And then that got me thunkin' about the other ones, the alphabrothers as I like to call them. We don't call a P a one legged R or a broken R now do we? I, as well as anyone, am well versed in the Greek alphabet and the origin of our modern letters and know full well that the letter T comes from the symbol for Taurus the bull (and the conservative family car) and the cross at the top of the letter is simply the bastardization of the symbols depiction of the horns on the bull..........but going by it's name, shouldn't it look like a tea bag?....or at least the act of tea bagging?
B does indeed look like boobs seen from the top (which, in that regard would make a 'P' look like a one boobed person from above ala' radical mastectomy...) but it's called 'B' not boobs and in any case it doesn't look like a bee.
H does indeed look like an H-Beam but I believe that's the old, 'the beam is named after the letter, not the letter named after the thing....' just like an 'S' Curve or 'I' Beam or a 'C' clip.
The letter 'O' is an interesting paradox. The human mouth does indeed make the 'O' shape when saying the sound for 'O' but is that where the letter came from ..............the world may never knOw.
X does mark the spot but 'M' don't look a thing like Dorothy's auntie......Y I wonder?"
Me: And did you ever notice how the letter “V” fits so comfortably up the letter “W’s” butt?! The letter “W” also looks like Madonna’s ta-ta’s from above. The singer, not the messiah’s mamma......... And speaking of Jesus, the letter “T” looks like, oh nevermind. (Bet you thought that I was going to say a cross didn’t you? Nope, I was going to say a hammered in nail.)
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Monday, March 12, 2007
I consider myself to be a pretty good guy. I always try to lend a hand to people in need, I donate to charity throughout the year. I'll pet stray puppies and kittens alike. But sometimes you just get the urge to be a dick.
That urge struck me today at lunch. It was a beautiful, warm afternoon and there are lots of parents and children frolicking on the playground. There are dozens of empty parking spaces in the park, but I chose to park directly in front of one of the only open picnic tables. I'm not going to use it though, instead I'm going to sit in the SUV and listen to the radio while I eat and write this. The table is still free to anyone who wants it, but they'll have to eat about 5 feet in front of me and be self conscious while I look out from the truck.
Sometimes it's fun to be a dick.
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Sunday, March 11, 2007
Now he's a court jester with a broken heart.
I can hardly believe it, but Marvel comics killed one of the most iconic star- spangled characters in all of fiction. In case you haven't heard, Captain America was assassinated by a sniper this month. Was this a political statement by the comic publishers? A reaction to the publics' anti-war sediments? Or was it just a money making ploy that would finish of the meager comic sales? I don't have the answers, but I don't agree that this is the time to be killing off our super-patriotic heros. There are so few fictional characters for our kids to look up to. In a world filled with violent fictional characters and games like "God of War" and "Grand Theft Auto" where the heroes act more like villains, I think it does the country good to have some wholesome, traditional heros in the mix.
Read the whole story on CNN by clicking here.
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Well, its been a month or so since I hit that deer with the Oldsmobile, so I guess it was time for the Fates to smack me down again. This morning I was hit in the front end by another car while I was turning in to get fuel. Luckily the airbags really worked this time (unlike when I hit that deer). I emerged pretty much unscathed from the event except for a sore sternum, a twisted ankle, and a failure to yield ticket. Hopefully the people in the other vehicle came out okay also.
This is where I got hit. Right smack dab in the right front fender! KAPOW!!!
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And here is the view from the other side. I know that the car is all smashed and beaten, but doesn't it kind of look like it's smiling at the camera?
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The photos above let you see the extent of damage that was under the hood. But notice how well the tire held up. I believe they are Futura Touring tires from Pep Boys. Durable indeed!
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And here is the freaky thing about the wreck. Notice the impact in the passenger side window. I can't explain how anything could have hit the glass there. It's as if someone else had struck the window with their head.
I'm just glad that I didn't have a "Jesus is my copilot" bumper sticker because Jesus would have one heck of a headache!
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Wednesday, March 07, 2007
I overheard this conversation at a nearby table during my lunch. The people were talking about weight loss and someone in their circle of friends who apparently wasn't around at the time.
Person 1: Wow! They should be really proud for losing so much weight.
Person 2: But there's a point where you might lose too much. If you lose too much too quick, you start looking like a corpse.
Person 1: Maybe they'll need surgery to tighten up their loose skin like on television.
Person 2: "They should be made to have that surgery. Its just plain old gross to have 40lbs of loose skin for one thing. And its just plain selfish too! "
Person 1: "Selfish? Why?"
Person 2: “By donating that 40lbs of loose skin, I bet they could save 3 burn victims."
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Tuesday, March 06, 2007
They reported. I decided.
I read this weird headline the other morning and couldn't believe it. Not only is it bizarre, but it mystifies me as to how someone would even think of this! What would have entered this guys mind to even conceive sexually abusing a person in a Superman suit? How did this guy come to the realization that he would even get off on that? Was he like, “Well, I'd really like to force my way on this man standing here, but that's not very exciting! Wait a minute......... if he were only dressed as the most powerful man alive! Nah, where would I ever find a Bill Gates costume anyway. Ah, but wait, maybe a Superman costume would do.....”
I guess I don't understand the whole role-playing games in general. Why on earth do you need to dress up and play out a pretend scenario just to get your rocks off? I'd think it'd get expensive, especially buying all of those costumes. And what if you invested in a costume and then found out that it really doesn't work for you? I wonder how many people have unused French maid or Tarzan costumes lying dormant in the closet.
If I ever even considered the role playing thing to spice up a marriage, it'd have to involve more than some cheesy scenario and a cheap costume. It'd have to be creative, and worth my time. It have to have an elaborate plot and cool characters. Nothing run-of-the-mill.
It'd have to be like: “Okay, so tonight you'll be the one armed android mine worker, and I'll be the Velocaraptor! Go ahead and put on your helmet why I roll around in this mixture of honey and almonds.
”Remember to watch out for my sharp third toenail! And don't forget that you can only speak in Armenian.”
Read the entire Fox News story here.
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Saturday, March 05, 2007
I finally got around to taking some photos for my brother Kaleb's senior pictures. You'd think that by having all of these friends who are photographers, that some sort of picture taking skills would have rubbed off on me. Sadly though, my photographic skills are still meger at best. But I think I came up with a pretty cool compostition that will set his photos apart from everyone elses.
What do you think?
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Thursday, March 03, 2007
Shooting pigs
My Dad left for a hunting trip in Arkansas the other day. He and some other bow-hunters that he met online got together and organized a bow hunt for wild boars. There were about twenty of the bow-hunters all together. It sounds like a good time, it’s not very often that you get to hunt boar with a bow and arrow, especially if you live in this area of the country.
But that kind of got me thinking about things you here on the news and in the plethora of modern urban legends. Stories of people who meet someone online, only to find out that they aren’t what they pretended to be. Stories like the young college student who goes to meet the girl of his dreams only to discover that the “girl” is actually a forty year old man from Tennessee! The next think the student knows is that he wakes up in a pit that smells like ass and puppy chow. Oh, my god! What if this whole thing was a set up to lure my father into a trap!
What if he arrives at the cabin only to discover that this group of “bow hunters” isn’t all that they claimed to be. What if its actually a group of twenty diabolical college girls instead?!
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Tuesday, April 25, 2007
It's all the rage in Los Angeles!
It cost us a pretty penny, but we finally got that new fiber optic grass installed in our front yard!!! Okay, so maybe it was just the morning dew, but its still a cool concept.
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Monday, April 23, 2007
Just Wrong!
I got this in the mail today and was pretty inquisitive about the Photoshop conference. You would think that the designers of this brochure would be top-notch and not make errors like the one that appears to say that a man can become whiter by attending the class! Now, I'm sure it wasn't intentional, but surely someone should have caught this before it got sent to thousands of people!!!!
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Sunday, April 22, 2007
Holy Sh@t, thems a lot of ants!
I don't even know how to explain these photos. These were a cluster of ants that were outside on our sidewalk tonight. How disturbing is this?! The cluster looked like it was several ants deep and was writhing with movement as we watched in horror.
I don't know why all of these ants were in one place. Maybe it was a turf war (get it, get it?) or if there was something good to eat in the crack of the concrete. Regardless, I sprayed those guys down with a super heavy dose of poison.
And then the strangest thing happened! As the ant were dying, they climbed on top of one another, seemingly to escape the poison that saturated the ground. Suddenly there were columns of ants standing before me. Yes, I said columns of ants. The columns were about as big around as a pencil and stood about a quarter of an inch high, like some miniature tower of babel reaching towards the heavens. It didn't help them though, because I blasted the columns with another dose of poison. But it was a strange sight I tell you! One of the most bizarre things that I've ever seen.
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Today I helped my father in law mow Her Majesty’s grandmother’s huge lawn. She lives out in the country and her lawn looks like a vast African grassland right now. The grass is about 6 inches high and appears to go on forever and ever! Its a lot of work for a single person to mow. Her grandmother usually spends the whole week on it herself, doing a few hours per day on the task at hand. But there were two of us this time! Two big strapping men (get your mind outta’ the gutter Schaljo – I know what you're thinking, you sick f@*k) with two even bigger yard mowing machines. He rode the craftsman mower and gave me the big Grasshopper Zero radius mower.
I had a hard time using the zero-radius at first. It was the first time I'd ever used one and my paths were anything but straight. But there I was, swerving around like Ted Kennedy on a Saturday night bender, plowing through the uncut grass like I was on a mission from God herself. I don't know if I would have survived the experience if not for my trust, beloved iPod.
Thank you Apple Computer. Bok, Bok.
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Thousands upon thousands of these little suckers. I don't know whats going on, but they are everywhere. So we took matters into our own hands and put out Terro poison in the house and I doused the ground outdoors with bug killer.
Let me tell you that spraying for ants around your house is embarrassing as all hell. The poison that we have has a clear plastic gallon jug and a spray nozzle attached to a hose. So here I am spaying the ground around the house, the windows, the stairs, everywhere I thought those little bastards were coming from. But the whole time I was doing this I felt self conscious about it. Every time a car passed by I wished I could wave and say "Spraying for ants. Not roaches! Just wanted to let you know."
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Happy Birthday to me! Okay, maybe not. I took the day off of work to go and pick up my sister in law and niece from the St. Louis airport. Wendy and I left at 8 am with the intention of getting there early and just kinda’ hanging out for an hour or so until Jami arrived on the plane. But an hour turned to two hours, then to four, until we were bored out of our minds waiting. Eventually they arrived though and after loading the car, the real adventure began.
I'll never understand how people in the city survive. The frustrations of traffic drive me insane. I guess I just don't have the patience to be an urban dweller. The frustration began immediately after leaving the airport. We pulled out of the parking garage and our lane was immediately funneled back into the parking garage. No warning, no signs, just rows of orange barrels corralling us into the parking garage again. When we asked the attendant how to exit, she told us to: “go to F and then drive up.”
Whatever that meant. So we drove through the lot, circling the lanes like a wounded shark until we found the exit ramp to the higher level. Once there we finally got out, but had to take a few detours to get back to our planned route.
Of course, being in our new car, we didn't have the luxury of an atlas or anything, so we just guessed our way back, winding up in East Saint Louis. Which, If you've never heard, isn't the safest place in the world to be lost.
I think that we might have been a victim of profiling though, since we were driving our white Cadillac with gold trim through the city. This stereotype doesn't hold true, because we aren't an “ethnic” family. So maybe the car got us a “ghetto pass”, but I still feel like we were discriminated against. You can't judge a man by his car.
Eventually we made it home and had some ice-cream cake though. And after a long day of misdirection, delays and unfounded profiling, all ended up well.
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Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Salmonella??? Fugetabouddit!!!!
The day started being out typical. I woke up late and had to rush into the shower, then do a half-assed shave with the electric razor. No, no time for a real razor today! Then I hurried to fill my thermos and make a sandwich. A turkey and mayo for breakfast, and another one for lunch. After I carefully constructed the sandwiches with precisely 5 deli-style cuts of bird, a slice of pepper jack cheese and two pieces of white bread, I grabbed the squeeze bottle of Miracle whip and gave each sandwich a hefty daub of the quasi-mayonaise. But something wasn't right this time! Instead of flowing from the jar like before, the Miracle whip spat a large chunk in the center of the bread. ‘Oh, that doesn't look good’ I thought as I dipped my finger into the glob of goo and tasted it.
At that exact moment, the world as I knew it ceased to exist. My entire being was consumed by the wretched taste of rotten mayo. That move should go down in history as one of the stupidest things mankind has ever done. There are only four things on this world that are dumber than voluntarily tasting spoiled mayonnaise. They are: sticking your head in a lion’s mouth, creating a love child with Roseanne Barr, trying to rape an HIV positive hippo…… and the fourth is too vile to even mention.
After a hellish session of gagging and some serious exercises in puke repression, I managed to scrape the mayo off with the back of a butterknife blade. Should I now add mustard instead? Should I throw the sandwiches away? What would a man’s man do? What would Lee Marvin do in this situation?! I knew the answer and slathered the sandwiches with horseradish mustard and took a bite. Yes, Lee Marvin would have stomached it, and so did I! I ate the whole thing and went to work. But by lunchtime, my stomach told me not to even try the other one…………
Even Lee Marvin knows his limitations.
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Tuesday, April 17, 2007
I dream of hooters.
Last night was a long, sleepless night of misery. No, I wasn't sick, or hung over, nor was I be tortured by sadists with hot poking irons, but I was tortured in a manner of speaking. My sleep was inhibited by the distraction of hooters. Hooters right behind my head, outside my window. Yes, the hooters of which I speak were way up in the tree outside our bedroom window. This owl apparently decided that the neighbors tree would be a great place to hang out and hoot all night long. So all night long we were kept awake by the damn birds loud call. This was no soothing owl! No, this nocturnal beast was a demon spawn owl straight out of hell! Or perhaps it was a test from god. Perhaps it was a one time incident! Perhaps it will happen again and again! Perhaps I'll keep the bb-gun handy tonight.......
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Sunday, April 15, 2007
Construction Zone
Well, it's that time of year again. The time of year to start planning for Halloween. I never intended on building too awful much this year. This Halloween I wanted to focus on lighting my yard theatrically. I've been reading up on the subject and am trying to devise a system of layered lighting to showcase my existing props. But then again, lighting is expensive and we only keep our yard display out for a single night. So is it even worth it?? I hope so.....
But as always, I get mixed up into projects without even trying. My list so far this year is full of things that I'd like to construct but probably never will. The list is as follows:
1 - A 3d floating head that floats in front of trick-or-treaters ala' Disney Haunted mansion
2- A life sized corpse but from a blow-molded 4' plastic skeleton from Big-Lots
3- A life sized, posable corpse/zombie made from this wire frame that I built two years ago.
4- A grouping of realistic pumpkins made from those cheap plastic pumpkin candy-buckets. I bought about a dozen of them for next to nothing last year after haunting season.
5- A gargoyle, created by converting an old animated Santa-Claus figure that we never use.
So all of those projects, in addition to the lighting scheme are my goals before this Halloween. Today I got a start on two of them, the converted Santa, and the grouping of pumpkins. I'll post pics and tutorials of the projects as they develop.
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Saturday, April 14, 2007
Lost and Found
The Brat found something interesting today. Something that had the potential to be horribly disgusting if left undiscovered. We were doing a Spring Cleaning this weekend. The girls went through the whole house like fervored dervishes. Throughout the cleaning, no surface went untouched. Knickknacks and books were removed and dusted, trophies were shined, even the walls themselves were cleaned with swiffer sweepers. They're very meticulous in their cleaning, thank god, because upon cleaning her trophies, The Brat found a long-lost Easter Egg.
I remember thinking on Easter Sunday, that there were only 15 eggs found and I thought that we had colored 16, but I wasn't sure and apparently it was hidden exceptionally well.
That sneaky Easter Bunny sure hid the eggs well this year. Thank goodness it finally got found.
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Thursday, April 12, 2007
The KleenXFiles.
Ever notice the peculiar shape made from the opening of an empty Kleenex box? Captain Alex and I did! Is it a conspiracy? I didn't think so until I accidently inverted the image below. Click on the picture to see Alex's true identity.
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Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Just a reminder...
Even the worst damn day can end in a rainbow.
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Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Picture Pages
My ol' pal Lisa Tebbe is having a photo exhibit at Joe Sippers Cafe' in Effingham on April 16th! It sounds like she's having a fun time getting all of her stuff together, too. I feel for her, because I get that same "Oh my God!" feeling when I try and build a portfolio before visiting a client. It's a horrible, stressful surge of panic, but it always seems to work out in the end. And I'm sure that it'll work out great for Lisa too!
If you can, come out the 16th , have a cup o' joe, and check out some of her art. I'm sure it'll be amazing!
If you want to check out some of her work before the 16th, she has a website here and a photoblog here.
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Monday, April 9, 2007
Who is the devil?
Wendy, the Brat and I were watching Criss Angel's Mind-Freak last night and I became very, very confused. Why, you ask? Because until last night I was 100% positive that David Blaine was the Devil! But now I'm all confused! How can David Blaine be the devil if this Criss Angel guy is out there too? Can there be two Devils? I've seen Blaine levitate in front of people and do fantastic feats of mind reading, but last night Angel turned a prune into a live roach.
Is one more "devilish" than the other? Can there be more than one Prince of Darkness? Maybe we should call Mr. Potter...... Perhaps it is time for a wizard's duel!
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Sunday, April 8, 2007
So who's kid do you think she is?!
This wonderful "Franken-Egg" was just one of the decorative eggs that showed up at our house this Easter. It was the creation of the Brat, of course. And in honor of Jesus' resurrection, I even made a "zombie egg" to compliment the others.
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Saturday, April 7, 2007
Got my stuff!
I got my Dawn and Drew Minion Army material today. I felt like a little kid when I opened the package filled with my t-shirt and stickers. I'm such a geek at heart!
For those of you who've never checked them out, The Dawn and Drew Show is a free internet radio show put on by a husband and wife who live in an old farmhouse in rural Wisconsin. It's the funniest thing ever!
But don't listen to them with your kids, priest, or at work, because these shows aren't regulated by the FDC. It's fully of dirty words, strange situations, and belly laughs.
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Thursday, April 5, 2007
Another Jarhead
The website that I put together for my old Marine Corps unit is really taking off. Just today I got an email from an old friend Scott Lopaka. I hadn't heard from him in about 15 years and I got an email out of the blue. It sounds like he is doing well, and he gave me some updated information on the whereabouts of other people. Hopefully the page will keep growing as more and more people discover it.
I just wish that I had some more time to dedicate to it's development. There's a lot of things that I'd like to add to the page like photo galleries, audio clips, video clips, etc. but time (and available space) are my constant enemies.
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Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Ants in my pants
Since the Brat has been visiting my mother, we had the chance to get a lot done around the house over the weekend. First and foremost, I got the lawnmower running thanks to a new sparkplug, and then I began spreading pollen throughout the whole neighborhood. We also got some poison for the ant problem that were having this year.
I’ve never seen so many ants in my life compared to what we have around our house. Hundreds of tiny ants all over everything. Ants coming through the window trim, from the baseboard in the bathroom, from my butt.... okay not really from my butt, but if this poison doesn’t work, who knows?
I was telling the Reverend Ed that I was going to take a note from Vlad the Impaler (the inspiration for Dracula) and impale hundreds of ants onto toothpicks, then place them right where the ant come inside. Surely this would keep the ants way! Surely they would cower in fear from the impaled thoraxes of their former friends! Surely the would flee! This tactic scared the Turks so much that they wouldn’t invade Transylvania, so surely it would prevent ant infestation.....
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Tuesday, April 3, 2007
My Mobius Loop
Here I sit at the park. Its beautiful out today. Overcast, yet warm. I sit in my car with my leftover pizza. Yes here I sit, watching the squirrels. Watching parents get nervous because I am sitting here alone in the park. Watching the squirrels watching the parents watching me watching the squirrels.
There's a young blonde lady pushing her kid in a swing. Her pants are too tight. You can see her calves stretching the fibers of the jeans. Someone should tell her. Even the squirrels are smirking. Yes, even the squirrels.
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Monday, April 2, 2007
Over one million served
I never really mentioned this, but a few weeks ago my pages surpassed the one million hits mark. Yep, that's one friggin million! Now that's not to say that a lot of them weren't you same 300 people coming back over and over, but it's still an impressive number nonetheless.
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Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Prophetic, perhaps
KG3 got a brand-new laptop computer for graduation. I’m sure she’ll put it to good use next year as she enters high-school, but right now it’s essentially a storage device to load up her new iPod Nano. Once we get the internet connected to it, it’ll be a different story. I’m sure we’ll have to litterally pry her off of it once she gets online.
The laptop that she got is a Gateway PC. Many of you know that I am a devout Mac user. It kinda’ made my stomach churn when I told my mother to buy her PC instead of a Mac, but I knew that the PC would be more compatible with her school than the Mac would. Besides, if she got a Mac, I’d always be messing with it instead of letting her use it (just kidding). I’m just not looking forward to all of the crashes, errors, viruses, etc. that she’ll inevitably get.
There was one thing in particular that I thought was funny while I was setting up the laptop. The computer comes with a 24 page start-up guide (couting the cover) of which 4 pages were devoted to using the computer, while 16 were devoted to what to do to fix things when it messes up. Hmmmmmm........a prophecy?!.
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Sunday, May 27, 2007
Ejukated Skolurs
Well, the time finally came. Yes, our little girl is now officially a high school student! It blows my mind how fast time passes and that in just a few more years she will be out of our house and on her own. While I’m glad that she has grown up as a free, independent thinker and that her personality is a force to be reckoned with, I’m not looking to the times where she will try and “spread her wings” by challenging our authority. High school was the age where I was a holy terror as a child. The first two years went okay and the BAM I turned into the worst kid ever. I just hope that she’ll be able to go through that transition easier than I did.
As strange as it seems, we had FOUR graduations this year. Unfortunately we didn’t make it to one of them though. Cody, the oldest of my brothers graduated from Southern Illinois University, Kaleb (aka KG1) graduated from High School, while my brother KG2 and The Brat (KG3) graduated from 8th grade. A pretty big week for the lives of all of them.
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Saturday, May 19, 2007
Inconceivable...
Captain Alex bet me that he could fit into an 18” x 18” x 24” cardboard box last night. Of course I took the bet! Who the hell could humanly do that in the first place? Well I guess only Alex and a small group of circus freaks can! I hate losing bets!!!! I shoulda’ thrown the box down the stairs before he got out.
So I guess I learned never to bet against Captain Alex ever again! I was impressed that he could contort that way! It’s amazing that he ever leaves the house....
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Wednesday, May 16, 2007
One Day Only Sale
Here in Illinois, we have a regional farming store called “Rural King.”
Its rather unique in the fact that you can buy everything from tractors, to power tools, to clothing, and even live animals like baby chickens and quail.
Every year, the store has a “bucket sale” where they give a 20% discount to anything that you can put in a 5 gallon bucket. Pretty amazing really, considering everything that you can fit in one of those. One of the past bucket sales led to the conversation between KG3 (formerly known as The Brat) and her Aunt.
KG3: “So you really get 20% off of everything?”
Aunt: “Sure do. But only things that you can fit in these 5-gallon buckets.”
KG3: “Anything? Really?!”
Aunt: “Anything in the store.....”
KG3: “Hmmmmm....... I wonder how many of those baby chickens we could cram into a bucket?”
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Tuesday, May 15, 2007
The Daily Grind?!
Ever wonder what happens to those little puppies that they just can't sell? It kind of bothers me that this pet shop advertises puppies, kittens and Fish Bait at the same time. But I'm sure its a reputable place and all. You can tell they really take care of things around there! I mean, you wouldn't believe how good of shape their plywood “puppies” sign is in. Ugh...... Begs the question about what a “puppy mill” really means, doesn't it? Are puppy mills where they grind them up for fish bait?
I think I just made myself sick.........
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Friday, May 11, 2007
Letters, we get letters........
This comes in from Sioux, she's upset over nothing:
It's Beatles not Beetles. Come on, Derek.
And speaking of Beatles........
I was using a shareware program for my iPod called iSquint. Its a pretty cool little piece of software that can convert just about any movie file to a format that your ipod can use. Even though the software is clever, I about died when I went to the help menu and saw these Beetles lyrics embedded in the Help menu!
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Thursday, May 10, 2007
Swamp Ass
So I've been really tired lately because it that time of year when I work myself to death. So far it hasn't been too bad, but I need to keep it from taking over my whole summer like it did last year.
Today started out hazily. I drug myself around like a zombie for most of the morning even though I went to bed early the night before. Wendy finally managed to awaken me enough to comprehend that I needed to drag myself to my feet. I really felt like a zombie. I dragged my feet across the floor like the undead on the movies. Zombies don't shave. Zombies don't shower. Zombies don't make coffee. Zombies don't change their underwear or socks (But I did). By noon my zombified actions has settled in to a smell case of swamp-ass thanks to the scorching sun. I can't wait to shower!
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Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Family Jewels
Captain Alex: I saw an awesome girl on youtube last night singing a Beetle song. She was really good! She reminded me of Jewel.
Me: I liked Jewel when she first came out. I always thought she was pretty, even if she had that weird snaggletooth.
Captain Alex: Dude, she lived in her car for a year. She deserves to have a snaggletooth.
Me: Yeah I guess so.
Captain Alex: That tooth probably helped her survive in the car. It was her seal eating tooth!
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Thursday, May 3, 2007
Unchained Melodies
Me: Did you hear about Michael Jackson’s plan to build a 50 foot robot of himself?
Paul: No! Are you serious?
Capt. Alex: Yeah! He’s trying to commission it right now.
Me: And it has to wander around the Nevada desert aimlessly. By itself...... He wants it to be viewable from airplanes. Oh, and it has to shoot lasers from its eyes!
Paul: Real lasers?
Me: Yeah, real lasers!
Paul: Like the kind that can set people on fire?
Capt. Alex: No Paul. C’mon, that’s just stupid. Lasers can’t set people on fire!
Me: Yeah, get real Paul!
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Monday, May 2, 2007
Letters, we get letters........
It never fails that more than half of my emails seem to come from people who want to complain about what I write. While some readers email the complaints just to get me workd up (ahem, BDanke) , some are actually angry. I usually have to explain that most of my posts shouldn't be taken seriously.
But sometimes I really do mean what I say. A few years ago I wrote about my childhood bully who was sent to prison for murder. He was a monster in my eyes and I back 100% of what I said in my posts regarding him. I am however a father, and know when to do what is right. After having the following correspondence, I am going to remove two former posts from way back in 2005! Not because I don't feel exactly as I did when I wrote them, but because I am a swell guy with a good heart.
Penutsmama sent in this letter regarding a post made back in 2005. Since I will be removing the monster in questions name (and I'm funny), I will repace it with the moniker Mr. Pickles.
Mr. Greenwood,
I just came across your blog, by accident, and I was VERY disturbed. Your rant on Mr. Pickles left out quite a bit of information. I left out the fact that while in high school, he was battling addictions and quite possibly this was the cause of your torment. I am sure if you were to ask him when we was successful at his addictions, he had many regrets, possibly one of them was his torment of you.
While Mr. Pickles was clean, he was a wonderful person. He is a father to two beautiful children and step father to one. He was one of the most gifted and creative writers you might ever have the fortune to meet. Mr. Pickles fought the brave fight and unfortunately, lost the fight to alcohol and drugs after years and years of sobriety.
I know Mr. Pickles and I know how much he is hurting because of his actions. Know that it was not Mr. Pickles but the drugs that killed that man. Mr. Pickles is serving his sentence and doing it like a man. Which is more than I can say for someone such as yourself who is gleeful in regards to the situation.
Reply:
Thank you for taking the time to write me about my post. I honestly had to go back and read what I has written so long ago. I appreciate hearing your honest opinion regarding Mr. Pickles. I hope you don't read this and feel as if I am trying to argue with you on the matter, but I will be honest and reply to your message.
My "rant" on Mr. Pickles was based upon my life experiences with him and how he affected not only my life, but the life of the victim. While I'm sure that he was capable of being a kind man to some, he was the epitome of evil in my life and the family of his victim.
I hope he has come to terms and regrets what he has done to others, as you say. But just because he regrets his actions in no way should negate the seriousness of his past actions. You stated that it wasn't Mr. Pickles that killed the man, but the drugs. Drugs cannot murder on their own. There must be a person, a host, a drive if you will that is provoked by the drugs. Saying that he wasn't responsible for what he did is as asinine as saying that it was the air planes and not Al-Queda who blew up the World Trade Center. It just doesn&Mac226;t make sense as an excuse.
I'm sorry that you feel offended by my knowing only "part of the story", but you too only know part of the story. Luckily, you were never tormented to the point of near suicide by Mr. Pickles as I was during childhood. His behavior certainly made me a stronger person in the long run, but no one should have to live with that type of abuse.
The part of your email that states that he is doing it like a man, which is more than I can say for you.... is ridiculous. You have no basis for that claim at all. Of course I'm not serving a prison sentence like a "man". I have done many "manly" things in my life. I spent four years in the Marine Corps, I put myself through college, I raised a beautiful daughter, but no, I've never been to prison because of a drug-induced rampage. I'm sorry that you feel that you have to attack my character to justify what Mr. Pickles has done in the past. Jesus wouldn't like that at all.
So consider him to be a fallen, misrepresented hero in your own eyes if you want. Your opinion is just that, an opinion. And even as your experiences paint him to be a troubled angel, mine see him as a monster.
As a father, I can understand if you would like me to remove the post for the sake of his children. It would be senseless for them to discover these horrible actions of their father, if they didn't already understand what was going on. I'll be sure to remove any and all of the post(s) regarding Mr. Pickles if you wish, but I can't, nor won't ever bring myself to forgive him.
Peanutsmama's Reply:
Thank you for your response. Yes, I would like for you to remove the posts. When I "googled" Mr. Pickles name, your blog was the first thing that appeared. I would hate for any of his children to ever read that... true as it may be. I cannot imagine what they have already read and heard. I am only thankful they're far removed from Kalamazoo and the nightmare that was their life at the time of Mr. Pickles's arrest.
I do not doubt your story. In any way, shape or form. When Mr. Pickles lost his many battles with addiction - which happened many times - I saw something in him that was not pretty. It was never directed at me, for which I am thankful. I cannot imagine what he put you through - it must have been awful for you to still harbor the resentment. I can only imagine what the victims family or those Mr. Pickles held hostage are feeling as well.
What I wrote about you being a "man", I retract. It just bothers me to see someone so gleeful about Mr. Pickles' imprisonment. For life. Not because I believe he should be let out - quite the contrary - I am a HUGE believer in eye for an eye justice. I suppose, since Mr. Pickles is my friend, that I am thankful Michigan does not. It bothers me for his partner, friends, family and most importantly, his children. His parents seem to be wonderful people. I will never forget the conversation I had with Mr. Pickles' father when he told me what Mr. Pickles had done. As a parent myself, I cannot imagine what they're going through. To know your own flesh and blood is capable of such monsterous behavior is something I hope I never experience.
No, it was not the drugs that killed that man and went on the rampage. It was Mr. Pickles. Mr. Pickles on drugs. Mr. Pickles, when he was not on drugs, was a wonderful human being. A great father, partner and friend. He helped me through a really tough time (or what I thought was a tough time - I was young!) and for that, I will always call Mr. Pickles a friend. It's hard for me. Very hard. Especially with my beliefs. However, I know the man Mr. Pickles was when he was not under the influence and I know the man he aspired to be. I know of all of the addicts he helped counsel and the fight he fought. It saddens me he had to lose his fight at the cost of someone's life and other happiness (i.e. you). And, no, I do not consider him a fallen hero. I consider him a wasted life as he did have a lot to offer. If you had read some of his writings, you would know he had a gift.
I am not asking you to forgive him and I believe it is not possible. I only ask that you remove the posts because he has children. Children who do not need to know anymore horrible things about him than they already do.
Thank you.
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Friday, June 29, 2007
8 legs of Ink
I'd mentioned that ever since my internet has been down because of a lightning storm, that I've been spending a lot of time drawing lately. In my first picture (the one of the angel), I used a lot of cross-hatching to build up the gray tones. But the other day I sat down and began to sketch an octopus, yes an octopus. Don't ask me why I chose an octopus -- I don't know. I just drew a circle on the page and wound up with an octopus.
Regardless of the unseen inspiration behind the work, I decided to try and do a complete drawing without using any shades of gray. Everything in the drawing is composed of pure black, or pure white. No sissy cross hatching, stippling or fancy-pants midtones here, nosiree!
Anyway, the drawing got really complicated really quickly, but I still like the way it turned out. I feel like my drawing skill is still considerably lacking, but maybe these recent exercises will bring up my confidence.
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Wednesday, June 27, 2007
What a boob!
I was watching TV when a teaser for one of the local news stories came on. It gave a startling statistic that 11 out of 20 women will have some form of breast cancer as compared to 7 out of 20 back in the 1950's.
Me: "That's really strange. You'd think that women would be healthier now than they were. I wonder why that's happening?"
Wendy: "I think it's because of all of the chemicals the farmers use."
Me: "Yeah, makes me wonder what's in the foods. But I also wonder if women just had better boobs back then..."
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Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Hard Rain
Mother Nature has a funny way of exerting her influence. It's been super dry here in our part of Southern Illinois. I'm not sure of the exact date, but until last night, it has been over a month since a raindrop last fell on my lawn.
And then today, good old Mother Gaia dumped her massive storm down upon my poor little town. KG3 (formerly known as "The Brat") took some quick photos of the flooding, since I had to take an alternate route just to get to my home. We've never seen the town flood so bad before.
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Saturday, June 23, 2007
Still no cure
Just some shots from Warren Township's Relay for Life (Note: never, ever, ever refer to it as the "cancer walk" - nor should you call it the "Race for Cancer" ) that we went to with my family over the weekend. My Aunt Peggy is a cancer survivor, but her mother was not. It was the first time that I'd ever been to one of these events and it was really touching to say the least. We're lucky to still have my Aunt, and it was kinda' scary to see how many people the event was honoring, especially considering this group was only for that small township.
Walking in the dark, burning candles, thinking about the dead, carrying glowing chemlights, sounds a lot like Halloween to me.....
A shot of a small partial of the track that we walked around. Each glowing bag represents a person with cancer, both survivors and victims. Sombering indeed.
A little light-hearted: Just a couple of fun shots showing what happens when you shoot a glow stick while swinging it around really fast.
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Wednesday, June 20, 2007
The Caddi became a Whoopti!
My Mom wanted to borrow the Cadillac from us so she could take my Grandmother to a doctors appointment. My Grandma isn't in the best of health and she has trouble climbing in and out of my Mother's Ford Explorer. So to be the sweet, caring kids that we are, Wendy and I decided to go ahead and fill the gas tank and wash the Cadillac for them. But as you may already know, no good deed goes unpunished in the life of a Greenwood!
Just as we turned into the car wash parking lot, we heard a loud thump as we drove over something. The car loped forward, lifting off of the ground with each rotation of the tire. We got out of the car and saw that the tire had been punctured by a steel brush. Yes, a wire brush had worked its way in-between the tread and was just long enough to push through the rubber. Damn the luck. What are the odds of a discarded wire brush being at a parking lot? And beyond that, what are the odds of it being the perfect length needed to puncture a tire, even though it had no sharp edges on the damn thing. Inconceivable.
Our Caddy is sooooo ghetto now!
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Tuesday, June 19, 2007
A practice Prophecy
For the first time in about a decade, I had the compulsion to draw. The occasional doodling aside, I just never seem to have the motivation, let alone the time needed to complete a real drawing. I don't know what got into me, but the compulsion to draw hit me smack it the medulla oblongata last night.
I was in the middle of watching the old Christopher Walken movie called "The Prophecy" with my daughter. The movie tells the story of a war in heaven between angels and what happens when that war spills over onto the Earth. If you've never seen it, it's a kick-ass suspense movie and has been out for at least a decade. So its an easy assumption that the movie's subject matter led to the drawing, huh.
I know it's not that great, but considering how long its been since I've tried to draw and that I was drawing with a cheap old ink pen, I think it turned out okay. Maybe I'll start drawing more and get my skills back up to par. Or maybe it'll be another decade before I draw again, who knows.
Click on the image to see a larger version in a new window.
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Friday, June 15, 2007
Shrek's bits
Several years ago we started making “stuffed peppers” for meals. The recipe is simple, blanched bell peppers are filled with a mix of spiced hamburger and rice, then topped with a little shredded cheese. I really like them as a meal, as long as the peppers don't have that “toad” taste to them. I tried to explain to Wendy that sometimes the bell peppers (especially if they have been frozen) taste amazingly similar to toads. How do I know? C’mon, was I the only kid in the world that used to play with toads?! I never really TRIED to taste them or anything, but you know how kids are! After playing all day on the farm with toads and other creepy crawly things, a kid is bound to wipe his mouth sometime! And when they do, they taste the toad!!! Am I crazy? Am I the only one who knows this bitter taste? Surely not!
But I digress. Back to the stuffed bell-peppers; I was eating my stuffed bell-peppers at lunch today when I realized something strangely repulsive. One of the peppers in my bowl look disgustingly similar to what I imagine Shrek’s ass would look like. After showing Wendy the pic, she thought they look more like an ogre's nut-sack than it's ass! Either way, nobody wants to eat an ogre’s ass or nut-sack, right?!
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Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Steam Punk Art-ifacts
Yesterday I may have found the coolest hobby-genre that I’ve ever seen. It’s called “Steam-Punk” and is an arts and craft style that reflects modern day technology as it may have looked if it existed in the early 1900’s. You’ve undoubtedly seen the look before. I’ve seen it in movies such as The Rocketeer, Wild Wild West, HG Well’s The Time machine, and others, but I never knew that there was a whole group of people who were building these things. I love the look of copper and brass infused with wood. Maybe it’s time to stop building Halloween props and move on to making these intricate pieces of fictional eye-candy. I’m getting excited about it. It’s what I’ve been thinking about all day long (well, that and Maria, from the old Sesame Street shows).
If you want to see more of this type of art, check the Brass Goggles site. It's cool as hell and safe for work.
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| Sunday, June 10, 2007
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| Saturday, June 9, 2007
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Friday, June 8, 2007
By word of mouth
Captain Alex informed me about something in the June 1 post. Apparently Phil Hartman’s wife actually committed suicide after shooting him in the face. Really, as horrible as it was, it really makes sense. They say that married people start looking like each other over time. Maybe she figured that she should be all bloody and pale too.
Okay..... Forgive me. Phil Hartman rocked and I don't really mean those gross things.
When I asked Captain Alex how he knew these Phil Hartman facts, he told me that a friend of his named Skidis told him! This Skidis guy must know everything!!!! He's like a wise, old sage in all things related to SNL or television. I'm not sure, but he just may be the Yoda of dead Saturday Night Live cast members.
So thanks for the round about info Skidis! By the way.... have you ever met the Swami Monkey???
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Thursday, June 7, 2007
Not an oxymoron, just a moron
Today I heard some radio DJ’s trying to decide whether to eat at an Indian restaurant or at an Ethiopian one. WHAT???? I thought, why would anyone want to eat like an Ethiopian? What would that be? I conjured images in my head, none of which were appetizing. It was me and Wendy sitting on a dirt floor, eating boiled white rice with our hands while a bloated Sally Struthers swats the flies off of our backs with a palm leaf. Not a pleasant sight, huh?
Before this morning, the thought of dining at an Ethiopian restaurant boggled my mind. Do they really have good food in Ethiopia? I guess I never even fathomed that they would have their own cuisine. (Well, that kinda makes sense — maybe Lean Cuisine...) But much to my surprise, after Googling the subject, the food looks friggin’ awesome!!! Now that I know that there are so many delicious Ethiopian dishes out there, I’m just confused why there are so many people there who aren’t eating it.....
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Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Don't fear the Reaper
Someone has been visiting the small shed behind our house at night. I'm not sure who or why, but weird things have strangely gone missing. Like the hose that connect our propane tank to our grill – I mean, why would anyone puposefully take something like that?!
I guess we could always start locking the door to the shed if need be, but I think it will be more fun to just put this glow in the dark Grim Reaper right inside the door! I'd LOVE to see the guy’s face who sneaks inside and gets a surprise glance of Death standing three feet away.
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Monday, June 4, 2007
Compositional Bliss
This happened today at work while I was designing some new Magazine advertisements.
Me: pecking away on the keyboard, raising my arms like a musician playing a dramatic concerto on the piano. “Look at me writing copy! I'm a composer!”
Captain Alex: Blank Stare
Me: I said I'm a composer. Just like Chopin!
Captain Alex: Blank Stare
Me: As a matter of fact, the only differences between Chopin and I are that his keyboard made music, while mine makes flowing words. Plus, he's dead, but I'm alive. -- And I am good looking.
Captain Alex: Wow.
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Friday, June 1, 2007
She thinks just like her mom
We were watching a DVR’ed recording of the Saturday Night live special the other night when they began talking about Phil Hartman. For those of you who may not remember him, he was the one whose wife killed him by shooting him in the face back in the 1990’s. My daughter (KG3) wasn’t old enough to remember him, but decided to get into a conversation with Wendy and I about it.
Me: Remember when he died? It was a pretty sad deal.
Wendy: Didn’t his wife kill him?
Me: Yeah! Shot him in the face, if I remember right. Didn’t she plead insanity afterwards because she was manic depressive or something?
Wendy: I don’t know.
Me: I bet she did and got out of prison already. I wonder what you get for shooting your husband in the face?!
KG3: Satisfaction....
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Sunday, July 29, 2007
Four new tutorials!
Maybe I just have a filthy mind, but sometimes I see ads
I've been working on some updates for my Halloween pages over the past few weeks. I have just posted four new tutorials for you do-it-yourselfers, if you want to check them out.
The Candy Dish of Death is a creepy way to hand out candy to the little-ones on Trick or Treat night. Fill this one up and watch them squirm as you reach in.
The Ghosts are easy to build and cheap to make. They have a strange blue glow under black light, but are still spooky in regular light. Anybody who decorates for Halloween should build some of these.
Spectres are the just one step beyond the ghosts. They are essentially ghosts with faces! They also glow and can really make a room look spooky.
VLAD is a tutorial for making a giant bat from scratch. This one is complicated and can be expensive. Don't even attempt this one unless you want to spend dozens of hours in the construction of it.
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Saturday, July 28, 2007
Two (C)overtly sexual designs?
Maybe I just have a filthy mind, but sometimes I see ads or designs that appear to be sexualized. I'm not sure if it's just a symptom of my "dirty-mindedness," or if its something that was designed intentionally But I do notice them a lot. Am I just a freak? I don't think so. Here are two that I spotted earlier this week. Let me know if you see the same thing....
Example 1: Printer Ad
This first one looks blatantly homoerotic to me! If this model is a straight guy, I imagine that he'd be pissed as all hell. That's an awful way to crop that photo - unless of course it was done on purpose, then it'd be brilliant.
Example 2: Media Design website
Ummmmm, I'm not sure what to call this digital imaging website’s opening page. It's the opposite of phallic! Is antiphallic a word? How about labionic? But no matter the term, it looks like what Oprah would call a big, red vajayjay!!!
Note: If you run into an ad like this, email it to me and I'll post it on the site. I'm thinking about building an entire page to these kinds of weird designs!
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Friday, July 27, 2007
An awesome cartoon
I hate to post other people's stuff, but I LOVE this cartoon. This is possibly the funniest cartoon that I've ever read!!!! I think just about anybody who works in the graphic design field will understand exactly what I mean!
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Thursday, July 26, 2007
A bad Abbrv???
As a graphic designer, I know the importance of consistency. But sometimes consistency can lead to some odd sounding phrases. Take this set of instructions, for example. I think a change in the way the word “Assembly” is abbreviated may be warranted, don't you?
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I got this spam in my inbox today. Do you really think these testimonials were written by people from Boston? Stupid, stupid Boston!
The SPAM was as follows:
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At last, the genuine thing ? no more swindle!
P.E.P. <http://www.dimpiolt.com/?owgctmxaulc> are very hot at this time! This is the genuine thing not a forgery!
One of the very originals, totally unequalled produce is on the market everywhere!
Draw attention to what people tell on this stuff:
"I pleased how swiftly this product had an affect on my boyfriend, he can no way stop talking on how excited he is having such new girth, length, and libido!"
Rita R., Boston
"Firstly I considered the gratuitous sample I was given was a kind of a mean trick, till I tried P.E.P. I can?t describe depict how pleased I am with the outcomes I achieved from using this patch after 6 brief weeks. I will be asking for P.E.P. continually!"
Steve Burbon, Boston
Read more testimonials on this marvellouls product right here! <http://www.dimpiolt.com/?owgctmxaulc>
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Monday, July 23, 2007
Singing the Blues!
Yesterday was like Christmas for me! I felt like a little kid running to the presents under the tree when I finally got three packages of something I have wanted for a long, long time. To any of you who don’t go fishing, this will probably sound like the most rediculous thing to get excited about, but for the fishermen who read this, you’ll know exactly what I mean.
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When I was in Jr. High, my Dad introduced me to a small, electric blue, curled tailed grub. It was the best artificial bait ever, hands down. I don’t know if it was the strange color, or the funny shape of the curled tail that made it so successful. All that I know is that the damned little things worked. And worked extremely well. When you couldn’t get a bite off of any other lure, the little blue curly tails worked like magic. So why didn’t the whole world know about these magical little suckers? Because they were only made by a single man in Clay County Illinois. These grubs became somewhat famous in Southern Illinois and were named “Clay County Blues.”
So I continued to use these grubs by the hundreds, well into my late twenties. Then the man who made them died, and they were lost to the world. For years I continued to whittle down my supply until I ran out a few years ago. It sucked not having my favorite lure available anymore, and I tried to keep using my last one after it was all beaten and torn.
But yesterday I found that a local bait shop had purchased the mold and began making them again! So Wendy bought me 150 of these small, magical baits. Enough to last me several more years. It was one of the best gifts ever! I know it sounds stupid, but those little grubs will give me hour and hours of excitement for years to come. Thanks Babe!
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Thursday, July 19, 2007
Just Wrong!
You know how email programs will automatically hyphenate long subject lines? Well sometimes these create some really bizarre and disturbing phrases. Like the one I got today. The actual subject line is: "Fight breast Cancer and Judge the Hottest In-Store Solutions.” A pretty relevant subject line from the e-newsletter from the “In-Store Marketing Expo” in Chicago, but my email shortened it to something a bit more disturbing.....
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Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Think about it!
Associated Press | July 13, 2007
DECATUR, Ga. - A former Marine, already irritated about the disappearance of $100 from his bank account, tackled a suspected robber who came into the bank wielding a fire extinguisher and demanding cash.
Timothy Armstead was waiting at the Washington Mutual Bank branch on Tuesday to discuss the missing money when the man came in and told bank employees he had a bomb. The man gave them five minutes to get $2,000 in $50 bills, DeKalb County police said.
As the employees went to the vault to comply, the unidentified man began loudly counting down the minutes, which attracted Armstead's attention, police spokesman Michael Payne said.
When the man then tried to walk out with the money, Armstead, 27, knocked him to the ground. He held the man down - lecturing him on his poor decision - until authorities arrived.
"I just told him it was a very stupid decision and now you get to spend 20 years of your life just for taking some money," Armstead told WSB-TV.
The man was taken to the DeKalb County Jail on suspicion of armed robbery. Jail officials declined to comment on his case Friday. A call to the DeKalb County Sheriff's office was not immediately returned.
My Commentary --
First off, you have to be insane to try and rob a bank with a fire extinguisher. Lets do a visual comparison, shall we? The man on the left is a easily indentifiable as a suicide bomber, while the gentleman on the right is holding a fire extinguisher. Do any of you really see a similarity in the photos? Nah, me neither.
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Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Fish Tales 2!
I guess Lucky wasn't so lucky after all. We'll all miss him terribly. We only knew him for about 24 hours, but in that short time, the little golden fish became like a brother to me. Lets all have a moment of silence for him. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Okay, enough tears. Lets get on with our lives.
Lucky would have wanted it that way.
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Monday, July 16, 2007
Cracker Barrel
You ever say a word so many times that in seems to lose it's meaning? This happened to mean a while back. I don't know if you guys have the Cracker Barrel restaurants in your area, but they're all over the place here in Southern Illinois. Captain Alex and I were driving past one and one of these weird word-disassociation moments with the restaurants name:
Cracker-Barrel
Cracker-Bare-ole
Cack-er-bare-el
Crack-a-bear-hole
Crack-her-barrel
Crack-her-bear-hole
Crack-her-bare-hole
Hmmmmmm...........
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Sunday, July 15, 2007
Fish Tales
I'm not quite the fisherman that I used to be. To be truthful, its been so long since I've been fishing that I am horribly out of practice. Those of you that fish very often know how you have to be on your toes when you fish with artificial bait. You have to react the instant that you feel the twitch of the fish touching the lure in order to set the hook and reel it in. But out of practice or not, I made an amazing catch in our local lake yesterday evening. My friend Jamie and I were fishing along the spillway of the dam when I saw something twitching in the moss. I hate snakes, and my first instinct was to back away from it since it may have been a water snake creeping to shore. But I watched for a bit longer and noticed that whatever was swimming through the moss was red. Immediately I thought it may have been a salamander! I'd never caught a salamander before, but what else could it be? We don't have any bright red snakes around these parts of Illinois, so it HAD to be a salamander or lizard, right? Wrong! Using the tip of my fishing rod, I slowly scooted a path out of the moss and watched as it slowly came to shore.
It was a goldfish! Yes, a goldfish, and a big, fat, fancy one at that. Now I'm not sure how it got into the lake, or how it managed to keep from being eaten by other fish, but the little sucker was determined to swim through the mossy muck of the dam. So I scooped the little feller up and carried him to the truck, making sure to show my prize catch to everybody else who was fishing on the way there. I dropped the goldfish into my jug of drinking water, which will be it's new home from now on.
Amazing but true! I know its not a twenty pound bass, or a giant man-eating catfish, but I doubt many other people in the world can claim that they caught a goldfish from a lake.
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Saturday, July 14, 2007
Hitched!
My cousin Jessie got married today! It makes me feel so old since I remember her and her sister Julie as they were when we first moved back from North Carolina. That was 14 years ago and they were both little kids who lived down the street. And now they've grown up and are both getting married this summer. Man I'm old!
The first 3 shots are of Jessie and her husband Billie.
The last photo with all of the handsome fellers is all of my brothers and me outside of the church. Oh, to be young and thin again..... but I never was tall, so I guess I'm just screwed.
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Friday, July 13, 2007
The Kids Closet!
If we could only harness the power of all of the absorbed light from the clothes in my daughter’s closet! I imagine that there is enough potential energy to light a small city for weeks. If we could somehow combine the stored energy of ever emo kid and concentrate the force into some sort of power cell, maybe we could reduce our dependence on fossil fuel. Just think.... Cars powered by the harnessed energy of My Chemical Romance and AFI! They could shorten the name from “automotive” to “emotive.”
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Thursday, July 12, 2007
Abridged office conversation between Captain Alex and I.
Me: “Do you have any friends who are vegans? One of the girls staying the night tonight is a vegan and we don't know what to make for supper.”
Captain Alex: “I'm not sure. I have a friend who's a vegetarian, almost one anyway.”
Me: “When I Google it, it says that they don't eat meat or anything derived from animals.”
Captain Alex: “Can they drink milk?”
Me: “It says soy milk.”
Captain Alex: “Then they can't even have things made from animals?!”
Me: “Nope.”
Captain Alex: “What about water? Could you give them water?”
Me: “I could give them a glass of water and be like; That came from an animal! That's actually a glass of sweat I wringed from my socks after I mowed the lawn last weekend. And that twang you taste is probably from the dog pen.”
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Friday, July 6, 2007
Letters, we get letters........
This comes in from Jason, one half of the Nobodies Podcast (take note: This site may STILL not be work-safe):
Subject: Regarding the Drive-In show
Awesome dude. We are going to have to go over this on the upcoming show monday. We missed the window of opportunity for a show this week, due to unavoidable parties. But if it's cool with you, I'd love to read some of this on Monday's centennial episode.
Jason
My Reply: Sounds Cool! Everybody should listen to Nobodies next week!
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Friday, July 6, 2007
Tonight we're gonna' party like its 1775!
A friend of mine went to an Amish party over the weekend and was telling me that he met a lady who was the curator for an Amish Museum. That got me thinking....- What would be in there? It doesn't seem very interesting since all of their old tools could still be used today. Really, wouldn't an Amish Museum and an Amish General Store be pretty much the same thing?
Curator: "And to the left you'll see the scythe that was used to harvest the farm's first season...... Oh wait, apparently Mr. Yoder borrowed it yesterday to weed his garden. Sorry folks."
Well, as much as that culture confuses me, I have to give them credit. Living like they do takes lots of heart and strength. So props to my Amish readers out there!
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Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Of Drive-Ins and County Fairs
I was listening to The Nobodies Podcast (take note: This site may not be work-safe) on the drive to work today and they were talking about taking their family to the drive-in. Jason was talking about how he hated the drive-in because of the distractions and the overall quality of the movies. I can understand his point since I too used to get frustrated when we would go to our local drive-in theater. But eventually I turned the whole experience around by changing the way that I looked at the what I once thought to be the most annoying aspects of going to the drive-in.
The Drive-In is NOT a substitute for a traditional theater. If there is a movie that you are really looking forward to seeing, be sure to watch it in the theater where the sound and picture quality will help you enjoy the movie. The Drive-In should be visited whenever it plays movies that you would like to see, but would probably wait for the DVD otherwise.
Remember, Drive-Ins are akin to carnivals. And like carnivals, there are things to do other than ride the rides. The actual feature films at the Drive-In are but small portion of what goes on. Sometimes its more fun to watch other people’s children dash in front of moving cars, or watch how the devout Christian family next to you reacts to the disfunctional family of meth-heads beside them.
With a little creativity, you can play a slew of family games before the movie even starts! Games such as:
Find the Carnies – Look around and spot the people who will be running the rides and selling the chrome ninja throwing stars at your next county fair.
Turn Them In – Count how many families should be turned into Child and Family Services because of Verbal abuse or neglect.
Trogs Among Us – Observe groups of people as they walk past. Take note of any who look like they should be a be carrying a wooden club have eyes spread wide apart like a catfish. Club needing Troglodites get 1 point, Catfish people score 3. First family member to spot each gets the points.
So there you go. A short list of activities to make your Drive-In excursions a little more fun. And don’t forget.... There’s always a movie going on too.
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Wednesday, July 3, 2007
Long Shutter, Low Light
I thought I'd post these pics that I took at the ball-park tonight. It's not very often that you get to see the vivid green of trees against a dark, night sky. I had to use a tripod to get these and I just fooled around with my camera's manual settings to end up with these.
The trees are illuminated by the parks overhead lights, but I really had to mess with the settings to get it to capture it like it did. Hopefully I'll be able to get some even better shots later in the week since my camera didn't capture the detail of the trees like I'd hoped.
I think they are some cool photos nonetheless.
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Monday, July 2, 2007
The REAL Pussycat Dolls!!
A few years ago when KG3 was younger, we used to watch a movie called “Josie and the Pussycats.” It's a family movie about a rock and roll band comprised of three girls. Some of you may remember the old cartoon from the seventies that the movie was based on. It's a semi-wholesome movie for the whole family. Safe for kids, but with enough “hidden” references for the grown-ups to enjoy. (Kind’a like Shrek or those new Scooby Doo movies). Needless to say, we really liked the Josie movie and had watched it several times over the years.
So when we found the “Josie and the Pussycats” soundtrack on sale for a dollar, I scooped it up really fast. I knew it would be a pop cd that we'd like (especially for a buck) and that it'd be good, clean radio listening. It wasn't until I got home that I looked at the song list and discovered one of those “hidden” references listed in the song list! Wow! What would Archie say??? Do you think he'd still be after Betty and Veronica if he'd known that the Pussycats were such floozies?
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Friday, August 31, 2007
In Search of...the Bermsloth!
Mac sent this new photo exposing the Bermsloth from the August 7th post! Do you think he's right?
Mac says: "At the risk of sounding like a complete geek, I think I figured it out - it's a bantha."
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Thursday, August 30, 2007
Making it!
I spent some time working on this years decorations and I think that it’s going fairly well. I bought an new blow molded skeleton from Big-Lots over the weekend and finally got the courage to mess with it a bit. The skeletons are pretty cheesy looking when you buy them, but I think that they could be made to look pretty cool if you modify them enough.
So armed with an x-acto knife, some kleenexes and wood-glue, I began carving and glueing on the sucker. I think it’ll turn out to be really disgusting before it’s all over. Here are some before, after carving, and in progress shots. I’ll put more up after I get it completed along with a tutorial.
It was messy as all hell, mixing kleenex tissues and wood glue with your hands, but man was it fun! I can’t wait to get back to it!
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Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Overheard today:
“The only real difference between a dungeon and a basement is which side of the shackles you’re on.”
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Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Open House.
We went to the open-house at KG3’s high school last night and I was surprised to see a few familiar faces that are teaching there. One of the teachers was a student who graduated a year ahead of me, and another was actually teaching when Wendy and I went to high-school. But some of the teachers look awfully young to me. I don’t know if it’s just that I am getting older or what, but I don’t remember having any twenty one year old teachers when I was in school. Maybe I’m wrong, as time has a way of making you see things differently, but I’m fairly certain that all of my teachers were at least in their thirties.
So far, KG3 has been liking school this year and she seems to be focusing on her lessons. I just hope that she can keep up this passion for learning that she seemed to develop over the last year. She wants to be a journalist, so hopefully she can keep progressing in her writing skills and flourish. She’s always writing, and appears to love it, and it’s somewhat eerie how similar her interests are to mine at that age. I wrote my first book during my freshman year. Well, maybe book is a strong word – perhaps I should call it a story. Regardless of the term used, it was a few hundred pages of handwritten garbage that I still have somewhere on my office shelves today. I never claimed that it was written well, but I guess it asserts that I always have a story to tell.
Hmmmmmm........ Maybe I’ll dig it up and read some of it tonight.
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Monday, August 27, 2007
We Won! We Won!
We won our ebay auction for the two backpack frames today. Operation Goat-Man can now commence!!
I got the announcement from Wendy this morning:
"YEAH FOR DEREK. I LOVE YOU! HAPPY HALLOWEEN! HOORAY FOR THE GOAT MAN. LOL"
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Sunday, August 26, 2007
Shoppping Spree!
The Kid went to Indiana with her Grandmother today so Wendy and I took it upon ourselves to go on a shopping spree. Okay, so it wasn’t really a “spree”, we just needed an excuse to go out and spend some time alone. I had a great time of course since this is the beginning of the haunting season, but I’m afraid Wendy didn’t have as much fun since she’s not really into Halloween like I am. I got a lot of things over the weekend though! 5 rubber rats, a “almost life-size” blow molded skeleton, some small skeletons that we be used as elements of the party invitations, and some other stuff that’ll help construct the “Goat-man” costume that I’m building.
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Thursday, August 23, 2007
Three Heads!
The Reverend Ed was gracious enough to send me a photo of two skulls, well one skull and one mask, to use as the basis of my "Goat-man' head!
Quoth the Reverend:
"Here's the two heads (well three I reckon with the third being for scale). Let me know if you think one of those will help you out and I'll bring it."
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Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Full Monster Jacket!
I guess I’m about to enter “Full Halloween Mode” again. I’ve been itching to start making things, and I need to get started before I run out of time. My daughter is wanting to have another Halloween party this year and it’s getting increasingly difficult to scare the kids as they get older.
Since all of them are in High School now, perhaps its time to do something a little less “in your face” that in years past. I think it might be the right time to go with more subtle, creepy scares. Things like random noises coming from the treeline every few minutes. Irregular intervals and realistic animal sounds will come into play, I think.
Right now I’m considering basing the party around the legend of the Goat-man of Iuka. I totally made him up, but I bet I can weave some sort of tale about him that will rate some goose bumps. After a few hour of the strange noises, something will happen to cause the kids to run to the vehicles and get away. And as they drive down the 100 yard lane towards the high, I’ll be there on the side of the drive in my 10’ tall Goat-Man costume, swiping at the vehicles with my menacing claws.
Some of my preliminary designs are shown on the right. The whole costume hinges on my being able to find a backpack frame that I can use to secure the costumes frame to. Anybody have a backpack frame for sale?!
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Click on the image to open a bigger image in a new window.
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KG3 and her grandma went to a “Hot Air Balloon Festival” over the weekend and she got this cool shot of the inside of one of the balloons.
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Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Last week was a crazy, crazy week! Over the past seven days, a lot of things have happened but I haven’t had time to write about them. My friend Jon left work to go back to go back to school, so our department took him out for a beer on Thursday. Here are a couple of pics from it with the obligatory group “flip off” photo of course.
Why is it so common for people to flip off the camera anyway? I guess I never really thought about it. Are we flipping off the “system”? The photographer? Father Time? Vanna White? Elvis?! Who knows. It just seems like the thing to do.
And Jon, I know that I told you I was pissed that you dumped all of your work on us, and that I hoe you have to work with smelly, fat, ugly women at your next job, but I take it all back. Well, not all of it....... I still hope the women are fat and smelly.
Why is it so common for people to flip off the camera anyway? I guess I never really thought about it. Are we flipping off the “system”? The photographer? Father Time? Vanna White? Elvis?! Who knows. It just seems like the thing to do.
Jon putting the moves on me? Nah!
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Is the Giant giving Jon his final going away present? No, Paul just wanted to finally be able to look up to Jon.
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Monday, August 20, 2007
My Immortal Pumpkins!
I’ve been spending time working on yet another halloween decoration. My Immortal Pumpkins are made from those cheap plastic candy pails that are all over the place in October. They are coming along nicely, I think. Here is a photo of them at their current stage of development. Hopefully they’ll look awesome after I get everything painted! There’ll be a full tutorial on how to make your own once I get the project finished of course.
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Saturday, August 18, 2007
I suck at Flash!
I’ve been trying to teach myself Flash today and it’s not going well. It’s not that I have doubt that I can learn the software, it’s just that I have no idea where to begin. I suck! I guess I’m going to have to find some time to spend after work or during lunches learning the program! AAARRRGH!!
I’m wanting to update the commercial side of my website. The business pages were designed back in 1995 and have essentially stayed the same since. They need a refresher and I’ve known it for a long time, so maybe it’s time to add new work samples and a cleaner, more simplified design.
I’ve told Wendy for years that I was going to drop the commercial pages from my site all together because they never really drum up business for me. But now I have a prospective client wanting a webpage designed for their factory and my pages just aren’t up to snuff. They need rebuilt, especially the pages involving web design. Most of my samples are dead links now and need updated. Who’d hire a web designer who’s webpage sucks? Well, apparently a lot of people really, since there are some god-awful webpages out there. But mine needs updated regardless.
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Friday, August 17, 2007
Where did all of the time go?
My daughter has her first day of high-school today and it’s mind boggling to me that she’s grown up so fast. It seems like yesterday that she was just a little kid. Where did the time go? I assume its like this for every parent. What amazes me is that when I was in high-school, my father was younger than I am now! It boggles the mind when you realize that the person that you always thought of as an adult was younger than the age that you are. I would like to think that by this age, my parents had everything figured out, even though right now I feel like I’m a kid trapped in an old man’s body. It doesn’t seem like it was that long ago since I was in high-school, but having a kid that age certainly puts everything in perspective!
A lot of things have happened since then. I’ve gotten married, served in the Marines, had a child, put myself and Wendy through college, worked at seven different places, made lots of friends and a few enemies, remodeled a house, went deep into debt, been in about half a dozen car wrecks, buried three grand parents, and raised one heck of a kid!
I hope she enjoys the four years to come. I know everyone has heard it before, but these will probably be the best four years of her life.
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Monday, August 13, 2007
Too much information?!
The Reverend Ed took a quick shot of this sticker for me that was outside of a restaurant today. Don't they think thats a bit inappropriate to tell people that? Deviants!!!
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There’s a lot of people out there who really degrade Apple Computer. I know that there’s an affinity for each operating systems, with people on either side of the fence. But whether you are a Mac user or a PC user, you’ve got to admit one thing about the folks at Apple, they are definitely the innovators of the computer industry. Everything from the now common GUI systems, to the thought that computers could go beyond function and also focus on their form, to the “I’s” - iMac, iTunes, iPod, and iPhone.
Well, now they’ve released the new generation of iMacs, and even though they aren’t as “cute” as their berry-colored predecessors, they are a brilliant example of clean, uncluttered design. Just look at these shots taken from Apple’s website. Crisp, sleek, and clean! No stupid nest of wires, no huge plugs hanging precariously off my desk, no extraneous peripherals hanging around like a smelly, bastard cousin on my Mother’s side of the family! No sirree! I want to keep it simple. I REALLY need a new iMac now!
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Friday, August 8, 2007
Bionic Me!
I remember watching the Bionic man on the tv when I was a kid. That guy had it made, a bionic eye that worked like a telescope, a bionic arm that could lift a car engines, and legs that let him run as fast as a car.
Through advances in science, we’re now on the verge of being able to create bionic men, cyborgs if you will. But in addition to the parts that can make us super-humaly powerful like in the tv show, we’ve also focused on lesser powerful yet equally important parts of our bodies.
If I became bonic, I’d probably get a bionic heart or something like that. People would be like “What’s your power?” and I’d be like “My heart can beat a thousand times faster than that of a normal man!”
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Thursday, August 9, 2007
New Tutorial - Easy Spiders!
I just finished completing another Halloween prop tutorial. These giant spiders only take a few minutes to make using stuff you probably already have laying around the house. And best of all, they only cost a few pennies to make! So if you like to decorate for Halloween, this is a great starter project to get your feet wet in home-made decorations. So check it out!
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Thursday, August 9, 2007
It's just procedure!
I understand the need for standard operating procedures in business. Without these rules, it would be hard to keep things uniform across all areas of a company. But just because these procedures are in place, I don't believe that they should in any way be a deal-breaker if they aren't always followed. Once you reach that point, where by not being able to follow the standard procedure, you cause a problem. Take a money lending institution for example. Right now we are having trouble with a small personal loan because I cannot provide the bank a copy of my Social Security Card. Normally it wouldn't be a big deal, but until yesterday I had no idea that it was lost. I didn't realize that is gone before because I never needed to provide anyone with a copy of it before! Why should I be required to provide anyone with the number, let alone the card itself?
Normally, I would be more sympathetic to the bank, but I can't bring myself to understand in this particular circumstance. You see, this is a new policy for the bank. A new standard policy that must be done in order to approve a loan. But realize this is the same small community bank that we have our home loan through! We've also gotten all of our car loans, loans for furniture, etc. from here with no problems or issues arising before. Don't get me wrong, the bank itself is both hospitable and we've never had any bad experiences with them. I just think that it's silly that a photocopy of a card will be a determining factor in our loan approval. What are they afraid of, me defaulting on our little loan? I'm sure they'd be able to track me down and all, especially whenever they receive our house payment. Geez..... I understand why it's standard Operating procedure, but I don't understand why rules can't be broken under certain circumstances.
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Wednesday, August 8, 2007
Do we really have to resort to name calling?!
We got this flyer in the mail yesterday! Now I know that Christians have been having trouble bringing and keeping people in the church for the past decade, but has it really resorted to this? Mary Magdela’s ho-made ice-cream...... I guess I'll give them credit for it. It got my attention!
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Tuesday, August 7, 2007
WTF?!
Alex and Ed shot these pictures of something crossing the berm behind the building where we work. They said that it was slow moving and walked like a cat and Alex swears that it was as big as a dog. We’ve all been trying to figure out what it is! It looks too fluffy to be a ground hog, but doesn’t have a snout like a dog! And the legs have a weird looking hair all over them.
Since the photos were shot from far away, Alex has also provided an eyewitness drawing of the bizarre animal, shown below.
If you have a guess or actually know what this thing is, email me. Until then, we’re going to call it the mighty Berm Sloth.
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Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Wanked!
Wow! Yet again I find myself mentioned on a podcast. This one is called BLARM and chronicals the life of Dana (aka Wankergirl) Its an eclectic look inside the mind of a twenty-something girl living in Newfoundland. It’s extremely entertaining, often funny, sometimes raunchy, and once in a while touching show. Tune in if you’re a grown-up and check her out. But don’t listen with kids around or at work! If you want to hear where she talks about me, listen download the mp3 and listen to about the last ten minutes when she reads listener mail.
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Monday, August 6, 2007
Sweating Like An Oldie
Well, it’s been abut a month since I’ve had air conditioning in my car. I’ve been able to deal with it fairly well until last week. Until then, I would drive with the windows down, ghetto-style. During lunch I would just drive to the park and set under the shade, listening to Dawn and Drew Show or the Nobodies Show on my ipod for an hour. But now I have the deadly combination of heat and allergies working against me! Not only is the temperature approaching the one-hundreds, but all of the cornfields really mess me up if the window is down. So it really becomes a question of “would I rather be drenched in sweat, or deal with a stuffy up nose and pressure in my head? It’s like asking if I’d rather eat a handfull of poop, or drink a gallon of pee! I’d rather do neither, and I don’t really know how to choose which will be the worse! Okay, maybe being hot isn’t THAT bad, but still.
Wendy has looked online for a new compressor since we’ve had trouble finding one at the salvage yards, but they’re running a few hundred dollars, and we’re flat broke right now. I keep telling myself that if I can hold out a few more weeks, it will cool down a little and I won’t have such a hard time with the heat. But who knows....
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Sunday, August 5, 2007
Freexx-R-Us
We took the kid to Hot Topic over the weekend to do a little “back to school shopping.” if you’ve never experienced the Hot Topic phenomenon, its a store that brought the goth/punk look into the mainstream. It’s full of dark t-shirts, leggings, corset-like shirts and jewelry for just about any part of the body. Our kid loves it of course, and we usually end up spending quite a few pennies in there even though she tends to be a thrifty shopper.
It’s too bad that the stores weren’t around when I was in high-school, because I would have signed my paychecks over to them. But instead of buying my freak gear at the store, I usually had to rely on making things on my own. I remember twisting my barbed wire bracelet on my own, adding the metal studs to my jacket by hand, and painting my own designs onto blank t-shirts. I was a freak back then and I freely admit it. Maybe that’s why I like the Hot Topic stores so much – it’s a store for all of the things that I wish I could have been around when I was younger.
But I did make a purchase for myself this weekend. I bought a really cool Rob Zombie T-shirt! It’s the first rock shirt that I’ve bought in about a decade, but I love the design. It reminds me of the old horror movie posters that I used to see when I was a kid, and I felt an instant affinity for the design.
But am I too old to rock-and-roll? Who cares!
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Friday, August 3, 2007
Dirty Butt
Email bannter regarding Wendy and I visiting a close friend in the hospital after she has her baby later this week:
Sioux: I just hate for people to see me when I'm feeling all shitty at the hospital.
Me: Okie Dokie! But I've seen you when you feel all shitty before, you goober!
Sioux: Not like this, a-hole.
Me: Your a-hole is going to be shitty?! Ewwwww..........
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Thursday, August 2, 2007
My Buddy!
I’m not 100% positive, but I think I’m growing a conjoined twin in my eyebrow! No really! It hurts like a mutha’ and is quickly growing a it’s own head. The scary part is that if you look at it really, really close it even looks a little like me!!!
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Wednesday, August 1, 2007
A new addition!
I’m adding a new section to my website called “Not Really Dirty!” The whole concept of the pages is dedicated to things we see that appear to be filthy, but aren’t. Right now there are about a dozen examples that will take you back to the days of fourth grade humor, when you’d giggle over words like “pussy-willow” or “cockeyed.”
“Not Really Dirty” will be a playground for the dirty minded, a showcase of examples of innuendo and interpretations. I think that you’ll enjoy it!
Like many of the pages on my site, the Not Really Dirty pages will reader driven, meaning that I encourage all of you to snap a photo and send it to me if you find your own example. If I think its worthy, I’ll post it for the enjoyment of others. (And don’t worry, you can remain anonymous if you want!) Hopefully the “Not Really Dirty” section of my site will grow to be full of hilarious examples of near-filth.
So far, the page is populated with examples that I have already posted in my blog over the past three years, but there is some funny stuff in there. So if you are relatively new to my site, there are probably things in there that you’ve never seen before. I encourage you to check it out and give me some feedback.
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Monday, September 24, 2007
Type - O.
Just to further reenforce what a graphic design geek that I really am, I passed by this tree after work and said to the other guys, "Look, it's Bodoni!"
Thank God they saw it too once I pointed it out....
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Monday, September 24, 2007
The (Corvette) Summer Whirlwind.
Wow! What a busy time I’ve had over the past two weeks. It’s been a flurry of work on several levels, primarily because of the giant Customer Appreciation party that we had at work. It’s a three day event, which doesn’t sound like much, until you consider that it brings several thousand people into my place of employment and we have seminars, special shows, and even full blown concerts for them. It’s a pretty hectic lead up to get all of the prep work finished in time, and since I work in the graphics department, It’s a stressful time for us to get all of the last minute materials in order. But it’s all over now, and I’m planning to turn al of my focus towards my daughter’s annual Halloween party and our town’s trick-or-treat night. Yaaaay focus time!
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Sunday, September 23, 2007
Judging by the cover.
Here is one of the preliminary designs for the book I am putting together. This cover will be used for the book on Interior Projects. I came up with the title “Derek Greenwood’s Hauntology 101” tonight and I think it sounds pretty cool. The image of the vampiress is taken from our 2005 Halloween party invitations,but I think it looks awesome overall. The only thing that I am worried about is that the cover doesn’t actually show any of the projects themselves. But I know people still judge a book by it’s cover, no matter what the old adage says, and I think this cover image Rocks! I think that the visual will probably help sell the book because lets face it, the majority of haunters are male and a picture of a girl will always get their attention.
I guess I’m a bit torn on the decision....... What do you think? Send me an email and give me an opinion, cause I haven’t really made a decision yet, and I’d value your input.
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Friday, September 21, 2007
Overheard Today.
I’m not really sure what this conversation was regarding, but I did hear the following phrase uttered by a gal and guy talking today:
Woman to a man: “Never underestimate the power of ice cream to a woman in heat.”
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Thursday, September 20, 2007
Mail Call.
I finally got my backpack frames in the mail! I can’t wait to get started on building the goat-man costume now, but I think it’ll be at least a week before I’ll have time to start working on it. I was excited to get them albeit a bit disappointed that while I did get two backpack frames like the ebay auction said, but only one of the frames had shoulder straps! At least I can use the frames to build my costume, but I was all hyped up to build two of them.
Which begs the question, should the old saying that “beggars can’t be choosers” be rewritten for the digital ebay auction age? Perhaps it should be rephrased for the 21st century to be “Bidders can’t be choosers.”
I just hope I can get all of these projects to come together before the party date. There is so much that I still have to accomplish! The invitations, the costume, the setting, sound effects, digital video effects, ugh....... my brain is cramping!
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Wednesday, September 19, 2007
The Reverend's Haus of Ideas.
Reverend Ed got me thinking today. You know how I get several thousand hits per day on my Halloween webpages, right? Over the past three years, I have been writing tutorials on how to hand-made various halloween projects. I spend hours upon hours writing and photographing them to post on my pages for all to see. And all of these tutorials are given out freely to anyone who wants to read them.
What I am contemplating is to rewrite all of them so that they are grammatically correct, add the original high res photographs, and compile them into ebooks to sell for $10. Each book will have 21 projects (that’s less that 50 cents per project)! Hopefully the money could go towards buying me a new computer and/or offset some of my grandiose Halloween budget. But I kinda’ feel like I’m charging for something that should be given freely – a sharing of ideas.
But hey, even haunted house owners and mask makers are out to make money, right? That’s how our country works! Yeah, I think I’m going to do it!
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Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Corpsification 101.
Ever want to make a truly creepy Halloween decoration for under $20? Then check out my new tutorial called Corpsification 101.
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Saturday, September 14, 2007
Seen and noted.
Timmaaaa sent in this photo along with the following email!
"Sign found in a Jimmy John's Men's restroom. Rough German translation: Please piss sitting!"
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Saturday, September 14, 2007
Bring your Daughter to the Slaughter.
Timmaaaa sent in this photo along with the following email!
"Did you know you were a WWF wrestler back in the day?!"
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Friday, September 13, 2007
Proper care.
Sometimes I think that our legal system allows us to be a little lawsuit-happy. If it weren’t so easy to sue companies for frivolous things, we would have to put up with all of these crazy warning labels that tell us that coffee is hot and not to pour it on our crotch. It’s as if society as a whole slipped down a few rungs on the Darwinian ladder if you ask me.
I was reading a warning slip that was in a new no-spill drinking mug the other day and noticed how many of its instructions applied to caring for a child. Have you listened to the news lately? People have put babies in microwaves, left them unattended until they are malnourished, and the list goes on.
So maybe we need to pay a little less attention to the warning labels of our coffee mugs and focus a bit more on our children. It amazes me how the instructions for the mug also apply for taking care of a child. Here is a few of the instructions from the slip in the mug:
Recommended Care:
Wash all parts in warm soapy water only.
Hand wash only
Dishwasher may damage and greatly reduce the life of this product
Do not clean with bleach or cleansers containing chlorine
Do not overfill
Do not microwave
Do not place on stove top or other heating source
If these basic rules could be given to parents of newborns, perhaps some of these horrific “accidents” that we hear about on the news could be prevented. Should we as citizens take a stand?
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Wednesday, September 11, 2007
A case of the Mondays on Wednesday.
It was Hawaiian shirt Wednesday at work today. I shit you not, my friends!
Actually, it was the day of our big kick-off party for the upcoming customer appreciation party this weekend.
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Tuesday, September 10, 2007
A Greek God.
Ever have one of thse days where you wake up and are already in a bad mood? Well that was me today. i suppose I need to apologize to everyone who spoke to me today because I'm being a real first class jerk. It's a good thing that i'm not in a position of power, like a supervisory role at work or I'd be like "Your all FIRED! Now get the hell outta my office and leave $500 in twenties on your desk. You make me sick!"
Yeah, that'd be bad. But holy hell, what if I'd been born a Greek God or something?! Oh, those friggin Spartans would pay!!!! As bad ass as they were, they'd fall crying like little nancy-boys beneath my showers of lightning bolts and plauge of ravenous, feral chinchillas! "A plague of chinchillas on thou! No living being shall be spared from the wrath of Derekias, God of uh, chinchilla plagues! Bwa-ha-ha-haaa!!!"
Okay, so maybe I need to chill out a little bit, huh?
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Tuesday, September 10, 2007
Seen and Noted.
I snapped this photo of some graffiti during my lunch hour today. Geez... taking pics of reflective stuff through the window of a slowly moving car sure does some wicked things to a photo, huh?!
The graffiti itself is kinda' cute, if I do say so myself. No, wait-a- minute, I'm an adult now......
Graffiti is bad. It is illegal and NEVER funny.
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Monday, September 9, 2007
Sad Sacks!
Last week Captain Alex and I went to lunch at Burger King and we noticed this disturbing message printed on the bag of food.
I don't know about you guys, but I don't want anything to do with a “smell wafting from a bag”.
I didn't learn a lot from my high-school gym classes, but locker-room experience tells me that bag wafting is not a good thing, no matter what.
Yes, sports and wafting bag scents are bad.
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Saturday, September 8, 2007
Julie and John, setting in a tree...
My cousin Julie got married over the weekend. I don't know her husband John very well, but we certainly wish them the best! Here are a few shots from after the ceremony.
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Friday, September 7, 2007
Insane in the membrane!
I've been eating at the same park for about two years now and it amazes me how I've never noticed this ride before. Just look at the psychotic “prison eyes” that this duck is shooting to onlookers. Is it just me, or does Donald have a striking resemblance to Charles Manson? Creepy!
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Thursday, September 6, 2007
The Power of Punctuation!
This ED ad was scanned in from the September American Profile newspaper. This ad actually conveys the power of proper punctuation.
Just look how adding an exclamation point changes the whole meaning of the ad!
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Wednesday, September 5, 2007
As it occurs to me.....
Shouldn't the word “analyze” be synonymous with “sodomize”? Just from the root words, you'd think they'd be related, and somehow I guess they are. For instance, If you've ever been sodomized by your uncle as a kid, you'd probably need to be analyzed by a therapist later in life. Curious indeed.
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Tuesday, September 4, 2007
A message from Schaljo:
John "Super-fan" Schaljo sent me this email about a My Space user group:
Schaljo writes: What the f is this?????
My Reply: I have no idea dude, but isn't it friggin' awesome? you are such a stud!
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Sunday, September 2, 2007
Just plain gross
I did quite a bit of work on the blow-molded skeleton over the holiday weekend. I think I made it totally disgusting! I love it and can't wait to see the look on the trick-or-treaters faces when they notice these creepy corpses!! It's cool to start with something so completely lame and making it scary as hell. Here are some before and after shots.
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Wednesday, October 31, 2007
My Brokted Arm.
My arm was hurting even worse today. Wendy thought I need to get it x-rayed, but was hoping I just hurt my muscles. So after bitching and moaning all day at work, I decided to hobble into the emergency room to be looked at. And lo and behold, a mere three hours later they told me that I'd broken my arm not once, but twice.
Yessiree, I don't half-ass nothing! So they put my swollen arm into a sling with a cast soon to follow! Stay tuned foe details...
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Trick or Treat/Slip and Fall!
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Trick or treat night went off without a hitch....kind of. I actually took the day off to put out all of our yard decorations, Everything was going great at first! The cemetery was up, the skeletons and spiderwebs were out, and it was time to attach the bat to the roof. Then I fell off of the extention ladder an landed onto our concrete stepping stones.
I felt a weird, yet familiar pain in my arm, but could move it fine, albeit through gritted teeth. I looked at my palm where I'd caught myself and could see the texture of the stones in our concrete. I hobbled up and laughed at the ridiculousness of the fall. Both my left arm and leg were killing me, but I went ahead and did some last minute decorating.
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My Hand after the fall. Yep, that's the texture of our concrete embedded in my skin there.
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We had tons of kids visit us this year. I think that putting the candy at the end of our yard really made a difference. In the past, we've forced the kids to walk through the “cemetery” to get to the candy and I think it may have scared most of them off.
So we sat as the candy rapidly disappeared! It was a lot of fun, except for my arm which was hurting like all hell.
Here's a shot of the West side of our yard. (West siiiiiiide............ uh, sorry.) Everything is home made except for the Axe and the tombstone.
A shot of the East side of the yard, where almost everything is home made too.
KG3 holds a brave little lion, and a scary little Grim Reaper appeared by our tombstone.
KG3 and her friends dressed up to pass out the candy to the lil' ones..
A night shot that I lightened so that you can see the details. The ghosts and spiders still glow in the blacklight after I lightened it.
Another night shot that shows the new spotlights that we bought this year. I think they worked out pretty well!
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Monday, October 29, 2007
AOL increased my load.
I guess my site was on AOL's main page for my Halloween projects. It gave me 0ne hell of a boost in my page loads last Friday.
The great thing about it is it resulted in some new content for the following sections of my site:
A few new pics for the "What's on Your Desktop" page! Two new Backassword Questionnaires were submitted, along with some new pics of Houses With Faces! And a brand new Schaljo Sighting waaaay over in Germany even popped up.
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Saturday, October 28, 2007
Cat in a can!
Wendy sent me these pics that her friend took of a cat that got into a bit of trouble by digging through their trash. Could this be a new species of Bermsloth?
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Friday, October 27, 2007
But is it art?
I've been drawing a lot lately and since it's nearing the Halloween season, my drawings have been pretty creepy. But here they are in all of their eerie goodness. Click on a pic to see a larger version.
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Wednesday, October 25, 2007
Quite Wicked
I've been drawing quite a bit this week while Wendy and I watch television. This Wicked Witch was born from the watching the medical drama "House."
Doodle, doodle, toil and trouble. I'd better clean these inky fingers on the double.
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Wednesday, October 24, 2007
The Wisdom of Captain Alex
A brief conversation between Captain Alex and I towards the end of a day:
Me: Who do you think would win a fight between John Henry and Mohammed Ali?
Captain Alex: Hmmm....
Me: I mean Ali in his prime. Before he became all punch-drunk.
Captain Alex: Well, think about it. Ali was tough, but John Henry beat a machine! A machine that was built specifically to do what he was good at, driving nails. Do you really think Mohammed Ali could beat a machine that was specifically designed to punch him in the face?
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Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Crash, Boom, Bam!
Wendy and I were awoken once again by a thunderous crash above or bedroom last night. Yes, the constant raining for the past two days had saturated our neighbors maple tree enough to bring a huge limb crashing to the earth. Well - not quite the earth, not before taking a detour anyway! The branch hit our roof, exploded into several two foot long chunks, then rained down onto our central air unit, bathing it in a coat of sludge and bark, before finally embedding itself like a knife into the ground.
The last time this happened, a branch went clear through our roof! The sad thing is that I almost expected it. The maple trees are big and old, and it has been extremely dry this season. So when I heard that it was going to rain for days on end and have high winds, I knew that something bad was going to happen.
So after the 4:15am awakening, we went outside to check out the damage. Wendy held the flashlight while I climbed up an aluminum ladder to the roof in the rain. It was slippery, wet, cold and I was only half awake. But I couldn't see any damage to the roof. Supposedly we still have a few more days of constant rain, so who knows what the future will bring.
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Monday, October 22, 2007
If I build it, they will scream.
I've been working on my Halloween costume for this year quite a bit over the past two weeks. Its starting to come together, but I'm starting to doubt whether I'll get it done in time for Halloween. I showed some preliminary designs for it a month or so ago, but the costume has since transformed from a "goat-man" to a "Grim Reaper."
According to my initial calculations, the entire suit will be roughly 10 feet tall and have a reach of about 6 feet. I'll post more photos as the project develops this week.
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Sunday, October 21, 2007
Bird of Prey
I spotted this cool looking hawk sitting on one of the tree branches that hang over my roof. I wonder if this sucker is going to thin out the squirrel population around our house.
Those fuzzy tailed rats are EVERYWHERE I tell ya!
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Saturday, October 20, 2007
Fright Fest 2007
We had our annual Halloween party for my daughter and despite my initial reservations, I think she gad a blast. As many of you know, we've always tried to go all out for her Halloween parties. They're typically full of props, scares and food. But the past two years have been smaller events.
This years party had me all stressed out. I had neglected every part of it from the planning, the set up , and the final execution. But luckily it all worked out in the end.
This seasons party began with big plans of elaborate scares involving a complicated set up about a fictional goat-man. This would have included the construction of a website, dvd invitations and a major costume construction. But neither time nor "gumption" allowed these steps to happen.
We were so behind this year that we didn't even get around to inviting people until the week of the party. The consequences of this was a lack of attendees. As a matter of fact, only one person showed up to celebrate with us. This really bummed me out, but I think that this little party ended up being more fun in the end.
But the night was beset with problems. We had intended on roasting hotdogs and smores over an open fire and watching horror movies outside. But the high winds didn't allow for a fire at first, and the VCR that I hooked up to the television crapped out right before the party started. Luckily I had left early to set things up and still had time to call Wendy. Since she was still at home, she was able to bring another VCR and things worked out fine.
I don't know why, but there was something really cool about sitting outside in the cold October air and watching a horror movie. We had the TV placed outside near the woods and the edge of a field, about 20 feet from the fire.
And even though only one of my daughters friends came to the party, it was plenty busy with grandparents and other relatives. I think the highlight of my night was watching my mother's expressions while she watched the original "Scream" movie.
It also seemed like my daughter really enjoyed it. Maybe it was because she didn't have to try and spend time with a bunch of guests, and she could just hang out with one.
Hmm.... Maybe this will be the template for all of the future parties.
Here is a shot of what little decorating we did this year. You can see the TV and VCR on the right of the photo. Not too spooky in the daylight.
The girls as they were watching the horror movie, and a close-up of the fire that I thought turned out neat.
The girls and my Mother-In-law Karen.
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Friday, October 19, 2007
False Advertising?!
Captain Alex and Reverend Ed sent in this photo of a Hotel that promises Single Person Pools...... I think,
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Wednesday, October 17, 2007
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Tuesday, October 16, 2007
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Friday, October 12, 2007
Not Yo' Libre!
Not too long ago, I got this really strange poster in the mail advertising stock photography. The poseter was cool and all, but it ad a bunch of small drawings of wrestling positions through out the design ! How bizarre!
Once you really looked at it, you couldn't help but compare these drawings to those of the Kama Sutra, the ancient Indian Sanskrit text thats widely considered the standard work on love-making.
So after being mesmerized by the strange "near erotic" drawings, Captain Alex and I decided that it was up to us to give these wrasslin' positions some names.
The result, my friends, is a page which we dubbed The Wrasslin' Sutra.
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Thursday, October 11, 2007
Phallic? Never heard of the word!
We spotted these phallic bottles in a package design magazine at work today. The product is premium tequila. I wonder what they expect to happen after a few bottles of these have been drunk. The brand-name is Asom Broso, but Alex thinks it should be "Assom Sore-oh!"
Ladies won't have any use for the tequila "worm" with these things around.
And by the way, if you haven't checked out my page called NOT REALLY DIRTY yet, you should. it's full of wierd stuff like this.
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Wednesday, October 10, 2007
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Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Letters. We get letters...
Timaa sent me an email regarding the Halloween Invitation posted on October 5th.
Quoth the Timaaa: “Your Fright Night invite (rhymes) is cool...but did the zombie guy piss himself? I mean I know scary is what we're going for here, but he shouldn't be the one scared, right?
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Monday, October 8, 2007
The #2 Sh@t Pipe!
The other day KG3 and I were working on some new Halloween decorations in our basement/workshop. While down there, she pointed out a 2” pvc pipe and asked if that was our sewer line. I told her no and showed her the actual sewer line which is made of iron. then I asked why she thought the other pvc one was the sewer line.
“Because of what it says.” she told me.
“Huh? What does it say?” I asked.
So she took me over and pointed out the pipe shown in the photo. I guess I can understand why she thought that now.
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Sunday, October 7, 2007
I Goofed!
An office conversation where I screwed up and grovelled with an IT guy for forgiveness last week: (Actual names and places have been changed to protect the innocent.)
History: We have been told repeatedly not to choke up the email systems by trying to send large files in the mail. But I'm a sucker and tried to do it anyway for once, thus choking up my inbox and freezing my email program. I was afraid that i might have messed other people up also, so I went ahead and called my screw-up in.
Me: "I tried to send something HUGE in an email earlier and it didn’t go through. I know, I know......I’m stupid for even trying. But it was like the compulsion to touch the burner after you take the macaroni off of it.
I couldn’t help it! It was like trying not to picture a goat if someone says “Don’t think about goats!”. Like running with sticks! Like drinking just one more beer!! Like eating that pizza that sat out overnight!!! Like throwing rocks at the neighbor kids!!!! Like setting that cat on fire!!!!!
Sorry if it caused any trouble."
IT Guy: "No trouble - I have measures in place to prevent goat farmers such as yourself from crippling or otherwise destroying my email servers. With these measures, I will take over the world.
Be certain to delete it from your Sent Items container, then empty the Trash, otherwise your mailbox may become listless, woozy, and lethargic, and may begin to watch soap operas."
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Saturday, October 6, 2007
Yep. That's what it says.
DJ PJ sent in this graphic that he found at the Think Geek website. I bet there were some laughs in the Geek offices that day.
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Friday, October 5, 2007
Sanity is the playground of the unimaginative.
Started working on the invitations today. I'm running really behind this year, but they are coming along quite nicely. The text is barely readable, so I know it will need to be reworked, but my illustration looks decent enough (and was quite fun to draw, actually).
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Thursday, October 4, 2007
Cricket Balls.
Geez!!! I was browsing a new graphic design site and came accross this product. I never knew such a thing existed. Who'd have thought that you could go to the store and buy a tube of cricket balls! How do they harvest those? Who ever does it must have tiny, tiny hands and a dexterity possessed by few. It must be a very small package. Think about it -- thats funny on more than one level.
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Wednesday, October 3, 2007
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Tuesday, October 2, 2007
WWECS.
I haven’t seemed to have much energy lately. I don’t know if its because I’m so worn out from work or if there’s other factors wearing me down. All I know is that I feel like I need to crash as soon as I get home. It’s a real bummer, especially with halloween coming this month. I had so many big plans for this year and they’re all falling through right now.
Maybe I need to adopt a Halloween mantra or something....... Yeah, maybe it should be WWECS! What Would Erv Copi Say?
Erv would say "Derek, you better get with it! You don't want to let the children down. Some of those kids may look back and remember this party for the rest of their lives."
You're right Erv. I need to get with it.
Who's Erv Coppi, you ask? To tell you the truth, I'm not really sure, but I assume that he was a professor at Southern Illinois University in the 1970's. You see, without even knowing it, Erv nurtured my love of Halloween and all things bizarre by hosting the "Horror Night" movies on Fridays when I was a child. Every Friday at 10:00pm, I planted myself in front of the tv with a bowl of popcorn and watched in glee at the exploits of the wolf-man, Dracula, and the Frankenstein's Monster.
Erv never let me down. He kept my weekends filled with thoughts of Universal Monsters for many years! I don't know if he's still alive, but I'd like to say "Thank you Erv!"
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Monday, October 1, 2007
Deck the Walls.
KG3 had a fun time coloring at Chile’s today. I guess you’re supposed to color a page, donate a dollar and they’d hang the drawing up on their walls at the restaurant. Lucky for me, this one didn’t get put up! Notice the comment that my daughter added to the artwork.
It’s good to know that she respects her elders and isn’t ashamed of her parents! Geez, where’d she get that twisted sense of humor.
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Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Spank no more!
A proposal is circulating around Massachusetts law-makers that would outlaw spanking as a form of disciplining a child. The law would ban spanking in all cases for children under 18 unless it is to save them from danger. Parents would even face charges of abuse or neglect if caught!
What are those bureaucrats thinking? Don't they realize that spanking is a necessary form of punishment in raising a child? Think about it, how else are you going to teach a toddler what is wrong? Will you sit them in a chair? Scold them? Children are by nature self-centered, and even a harsh scolding may not always send a stern enough message to the young.
I'm not saying that abuse should be illegal by any means, but sometimes a swift smack in the tail-end is needed. Spanking isn't just punishment – it's behavior modification. No one should punch their kid in the face, but sometimes a swift paddling is what a parent has to do to teach that unruly kid to stop trying to drink the Drano.
Kids with no fear will get out of hand! Don't believe me? Take a look at our school children! Look at what has happened to our society ever since they banned spanking in schools. Kids no longer fear their teachers or principals. Children used to look up to teachers with love, admiration, and a little bit of fear. But now that the fear is gone, children feel as if they can act out without fear of reprocussions. It's disgusting. Gee, I wonder why there weren't a rash of school shooting from 1920-1990?! Hmmm... Maybe it's because children were disciplined and fearful of what would happen to them. Food for thought.
And what about this whole “children under 18” deal? Are law-makers leaving a clause in the law so that they themselves can continue to have their sick S&M spanking sessions? I believe so, or why else would it be worded like that? Sure, spank your kid for trying to put the cat in the microwave and be fined, but soiling your adult diaper while being spanked with a riding crop from a lady wearing a latex cat-suit is just fine.
What is this world coming to?
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Tuesday, November 27, 2007
The twitch.
I'm not sure why, but I've been having a strange twitch in my eye for the past week or so. I guess I noticed it on Thursday, when the vision seemed to bounce around, like I was watching a movie through a digital camera viewer. It really sucked, but I got used to it. Originally, I was worried that I was actually having spasms in my eyeball itself, but upon staring into a little mirror like some sort of freak on display at work, I could plainly see that it was really just muscle spasms in my upper eyelid. Even so, it's annoying as all hell.
The image below is a sort-of representation of how it would look if you were to meet my glance while the spasms were occurring.
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Monday, November 26, 2007
Spousal Abuse.
Last night Wendy and I had just settled in for the night when I got a surprise. Somehow, she possesses the ability to fall asleep almost immediately upon laying down - a quasi-mystical power that I wished I possessed. My nights are usually filled with tossing, turning, more tossing, and then tossing some more. I've never been able to fall asleep quickly, excluding times when I'm relaxing in a recliner. Yes, recliners induce instant narcolepsy in me. I don't know why, but they just put me to sleep.
But I digress - once in bed, Wendy zonked out, leaving me to do my nightly ritual of shifting and tapping my feet,. My mind began to fall back into the pre-dream thoughts that I always have; I was flying on my own power above the cornfields north of our home. The wind was rushing across me as I looked down at the lights of the small farm houses that were far, far below.
I rolled over to my side, slowly drifting from the imaginary skyline into the all but real dreamland. But then it happened! WHACK!! I felt a sharp pain as Wendy hit me in the base of my skull. There was a bright flash of light in my head upon the impact as my head flopped forwards.
“What was that for?” I yelled, awaking her.
“You made me mad!” She mumbled.
“Jesus! What did I do.?! Do you mean in your dream?!” There was nothing but silence. She had already fallen sleep again.
Fast forward to today at lunch. Wendy called me on the phone while I was getting ready to go to physical therapy.
“Do you have the game 'Soul Reaver 2' do you?"
”No. I have the first one, but not the second one.”
“What about 'Legacy of Cain', or the 'Spawn' game?”
“Nope neither one of them. Hey, wait-a-minute.... are you buying me stuff just because you abused me last night?”
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Friday, November 23, 2007
Still Drawring.
Now that my arm is half-way healed, I started drawing again. I really enjoy doing it since I'd stopped almost completely for nearly a decade. Slowly but surely I think I'm starting to get the control back that I once had. Still no pencil drawings though! I almost always used to draw in pencil, but right now I'm having a blast toying with the contrast that black ink provides.
I keep intending on branching out on my subject matter, seeing as I am drawing the same kind of things that I did in 4th Grade. But then again, I'm having so much damn fun with it, I don't know if I really want to draw boring stuff.
Click an Image to see a larger version of each drawing.
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Thursday, November 22, 2007
First snowfall of the season.
It's turkey day and by coincidence, it was also the very first snow of the season here in Illinois. It was late when we got home, but I managed to shoot a couple of pics KG3 reveling in the snow.
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Wednesday, November 21, 2007
My Dad Ghandi.
Turkey day is upon us once again and it's time to give thanks for all that we have in our lives. I'm always grateful to have so many family members and friends who keep me in check throughout my life. Regardless whether its troubles resulting from my car wreck, medical issues from my broken elbow, or simply everyday things that seem to stress me out and send me to the edge of sanity, I can always count on someone to help put things in perspective for me.
When I was younger, I put my father through hell in a car wreck. We were being sued for a ton of money which we didn't have. The wreck added stress, and angst to my family, destroyed a friendship and cost an immense amount of money. But even in the face of losing everything because of his son's stupidity, my Dad looked me in the eye and told me something that I will never forget.
He simply said: "No matter what happens, they can't eat us."
It sounds silly, but the statement was as truly profound as any words ever stated by Ghandi, JFK, or Churchill. It was my Dads way of saying that no matter what happened, we would survive, and in time, prevail just as we had before.
It's been nearly 20 years since then, and look at us now. We've both remained happy and healthy after trudging through the trials and tribulations of life. So when life gets us down, we have to focus on what is important and continue to force our way along, because if you continue pushing forward through the black forest long enough, you'll eventually reach a clearing of warmth and sunshine.
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Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Seen on a recent road trip.
Timmaaaa sent in these photos from a recent road trip!
Timmaaaa says “It's stupid...but it made me laugh. The trailer had Missouri plates, so the home team cutting decals must be Canucks.”
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Tuesday, November 20, 2007
My new knee.
I think my arm is getting a little better! Every day I can bend it a just little further than before. At least I can touch my shoulder with my hand again!
Straightening my arm is another story altogether though! I still can't get it as straight as I should but hopefully that is because my elbow is still swollen. My god! I hope its just swollen and isn't going to stay this size!!!
Wendy told me the other day that it looks more like a knee than an elbow. So until things heal, I guess I'm gonna have to deal with three knees.
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Monday, November 19, 2007
Brilliant new reality TV show idea!
A hidden camera reality show where they follow the lives of paranoid schizophrenics. They could call it, “Watching You.”
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Saturday, November 17, 2007
Has Scholastic Gone Too Far?!
You can imagine my shock when I found this "Chicka Chicka Boom Boom" cassette tape among a mass of Disney tapes that KG3 used to listen to when she was a child! The tape was made in 1992 and I know that things were pretty liberal back then, but geez......... could that really be a bunch of old porno music on cassette tape? Shameful!!!
Maybe I should listen to it before I start writing my Congressman.
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Friday, November 16, 2007
Macarena of Pain!
I went to my first therapy session today. (Clarification – my first orthopedic therapy session for my arm....) Who'd have thought that you'd have to fork out $200 to let some lady crank down on your broken bones! Christ, it was like being tortured, and not in some bizarre S&M way, but in an “OWWW, that friggin’ hurts!” way.
At least they are giving me some exercises to do at home. Originally they wanted me to come in three times a week, but since our insurance doesn't cover the therapy, they sent me home with some exercises to do on my own. These exercises comprise of primarily three motions:
Bend my elbow until I cry out in pain.
Straighten my elbow until I cry out in pain.
Lift my arm until I cry out in pain.
And finally, turn my wrist over until I cry out in pain.
Yeas, it's a lot of lifting flipping and turning. It could be summed up as the “Macarena of Pain!”
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Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Freeeeeeeeeeeeedooooooooom!
I went to the doctor's office today and they went ahead and removed my cast. My arm isn't healed yet, but they said that I needed to get started with physical therapy to avoid losing some range of motion in my arm. Right now I can't bend my arm fully, nor straighten it out. And let's no even consider how turning my hand feels like a knife is being stabbed into my arm.
But hopefully everything will work out in the long run. At least I can wash the foul stench of the devil off of my arm.
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Tuesday, November 14, 2007
Sometimes I wonder...
I was curious what the suicide rate was for quadriplegics today so I did a little research and found out that they have a suicide rate of 65 per 100000. This isn't anywhere near the rate that I would have expected. I would imagine that the quadriplegic people would suffer from depression so severely that the suicide percentage would be in the double digits.
So do the quadriplegics just have a better outlook on life than I do? One would hope so, or is it the fact that it might be harder to commit suicide once you've lost use of your limbs? Short of poisoning, it may be difficult to off yourself in that condition. I thought of drowning, but how could they get in the tub? Obviously they cant tie a noose or slit their wrists. I suppose they could throw themselves down a flight of stairs, but how the heck would they get up there in the first place? Hmmm...unless its an assisted suicide, I imagine its difficult for them.
So do they typically have a cheery outlook, or merely feel defeated at the hardship of committing suicide? I hope I never find out the answer.
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Monday, November 13, 2007
Sighted in the City.
KG3 had been visiting family in Indianapolis for the pat few days and she told me over the phone that "some lady with blonde hair" recognized her from the website and came up to speak with her. Almost immediately I thought of my friend Kim and her family! I thought it HAD to be someone I know to recognize my daughter out in public, and besides, Kim is the only blonde-haired lady I know with enough bravado to approach someone like that. So I emailed her to see if my assumption was correct. The following was the banter back and forth
Me: Just wondering out of curiosity..... Did you happen to see my daughter in Indianapolis over the weekend?
Kim: Heh heh heh, *wiggles her eyebrows at you* wouldn't YOU like to know. ;o).
Me: That’s what I figured! She told me over the phone and I figured it was you. Did it freak her out? Nrlolbcimh – that stands for “not really laughing out loud, but chuckling in my head.”
Kim: It was hilarious!
If I had only thought before hand what her reaction would be I could have REALLY played it up, but it only occurred to me after I spoke to her what she must be thinking!
I looked at her and thought "gee! that kid looks like KG3!"
then i looked at her again and thought...
"hey! i think that IS KG3!"
so i said "are you a greenwood?"
and she sorta jumped and looked at me like my head was on fire.
she said "yeah" kinda low like she didn't want me to hear her.
and i kinda shouta "KG3!" *giggle*
then she was REALLLL worried.
so i told her i knew you from OCC and saw her pictures on the blog etc.
i asked her if she thought i was a stalker and she admitted it had crossed her mind.
then they left really fast LOL
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Sunday, November 12, 2007
The Veteran's Memorial.
Clay County unveiled the new veteran Memorial in a celebration today. It's incredibly nice for such a small community and is way beyond what any of us expected to see.
The memorial honors citizens of Clay County who served their county regardless of branch or age. There are flags representing each of the branches of the armed forces, as well as a POW/MIA flag and of course, the flag of this great nation.
The ceremony was nice, with speakers ranging from local veterans, to state Representatives. It was cool to look out at the crowd and see veterans of all ages, from the heros of the Greatest Generation, to young men serving their country today. It isn't often that I feel comfortable listening to the National Anthem, but today I wasn't bothered at all. It isn't that I don't love hearing the anthem, mind you, its quite the contrary, in fact. Just hearing it makes me swell with pride and always seems to nearly bring tears to my eyes. And this afternoon, I knew that I wasn't alone in that feeling. I was surrounded by others who would have gladly given their life for this great nation.
I am extremely proud of my country, and regardless of past or present mistakes in foreign policies, I know that this is the greatest place in the world to call home.
I know there are some of you who will not agree with me, but the simple fact that you are ALLOWED to disagree without fear of punishment stands as a testimony of my statement. So even if you don't support the current administration, you should appreciate the fact that there are hundreds of thousands of us out there that gladly laid our lives on the line for you and your freedoms. So be sure to take a moment this week and reflect on the sacrifices that have been made to keep this country free.
Hundreds of people turned out for the ceremony!
A shot of the memorial before the flag raising and the brick commemorating my service in the USMC. I have to say thanks to my Step Mom Pat and my Dad for having my name, I really appreciate what they have done for me. It means a lot to me to be included in this memorial with the heroes who served in World War Two, Korea, and Vietnam. My Aunt Marilyn's brick is directly below mine.
Here is a shot after the flags were raised with our courthouse in the background and the bagpipe player who played the ceremony.
The Marine Corps pylon from both sides. I had never heard this quote from Ronald Reagan before, but I am proud to be included in such an organization.
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Friday, November 9, 2007
The Long Dog.
As a graphic designer, I tend to cringe when I see really poor image manipulation, and this is an example of Photoshop gone wrong!
We got this shoe ad in the mail the other day and noticed how freakishly long the dog's leg is. In fact, I don't even know if this is a real dog at all!
Perhaps it is some mutant gene splice of terrier and a giraffe......
But just for the sake of demonstration, I took the liberty of seeing just what this freak of nature would look like if it were standing on all fours. (Shown at right.)
Creepy, huh?!
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Monday, November 5, 2007
Stench of the Devil.
If you would have told me last Monday that the stench of death would invade my arm I wouldn't have believed you. But during my lunch hour, I turned on the cars air-conditioning and was blasted in the face with a smell that no man should ever have to experience. Apparently, the cars fans circulated the stench emanating from my cast!
Thank the gods that I never smelled it before, and I pray that I never smell it again. It was a scent that could peel paint. It made my eyes burn and my tongue go numb.
I think I actually experienced the devil while inhaling that scent. (Just so you know, the devil looks like Burt Reynolds and whispers with a lisp in a Nordic accent.) I never want to experience it again.
They specifically told me not to put powder or deodorant inside the cast since it would make things worse. So what options do I have? Maybe I could silicone it shut and make an air tight cast! Perhaps I could cut it open and air it out, then duct tape it closed again.
Yeah.
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Sunday, November 4, 2007
You smell something funny?
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Thursday, November 1, 2007
Scrubbing.
A conversation between Captain Alex and I :
Me: You know, ever since I hurt my arm I've really noticed how hard it is to use a single appendage. I truly don't know how one armed people can live normal lives. Geez, and just think about the poor folk with no arms! How do they live normal lives? Like, how can they even wipe their butts?
Captain Alex: I dunno.
Me: I guess they could have one of those squirrel feeder things where you press a corn cobb on a board with a nail in it. Then they could just scrub up against the cobb over and over,
Captain Alex: Okay Derek, you win. That's disgusting!!!
Me: Yeah, but not as disgusting as when they have to pull the old cobb off the nail with their teeth and put a new one on.
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Friday, December 28, 2007
Predictions.
I guess it's that time of year for me to gaze at my crystal balls and make some predictions for 2008. So here we go:
Insurance premiums go up, insurance coverage goes down.
This will be the first time in history that a Black American Presidential Candidate will lose the election, but on the bright side - he'll have come closer than any other African American ever has before.
George Bush's popularity will fall in proportionate relationship to the rising cost of oil, and rising body count in Iraq.
Unable to find any more controversial topics to exploit, Marilyn Manson will gain 250 lbs, then record an album of nihilistic rage against the evils of Fast Food.
Andy Rooney still won't die.
The Global Warming trends will continue, yet somehow I'll still get cold hands after playing video games on my Playstation 2.
Scientists will finally accept the existence of ghosts. Jesse Jackson will appoint himself as their spokes person, fight for their civil liberties, and try to reclaim decades of unclaimed social security benefits.
The Discovery Channel will air a program showing lemmings that jump off cliffs aren't really brainless. Some lemmings just have really, really bad lives and alcohol issues.
The world as we know it will end on April 4th at 4:44pm. No one will be surprised though as we will be warned by FEMA of the impending disaster on March 3rd at 3:33pm.
In an attempt boost their lagging sales, McDonald's will open a chain of seedy “massage parlors” in the Asian market. The tagline will be “We're Mclovin’ you”.
In a cruel act of fate, Casey Kasim and Dick Clark’s limosines will collide at an independent music festival. The resulting accident will leave both men deaf after they are revived by Andy Dick.
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Thursday, December 27, 2007
Out with the old and in with the new.
Sometimes it doesn't feel like I've been out of the Marine Corps for 15 years. But when I hear news like the following from Military.com, it reminds me just how much the world has evolved. The following article features a new Howitzer that is taking the place of the ones that were used when I was in the Marines.
Marines Receive New M777
Marine Corps News | Lance Cpl. Richard Bioluminescent | December 21, 2007
OKINAWA, Japan - The 31st Marine Expeditionary Unit received its first M777 Lightweight Howitzers recently on Camp Hansen as part of a Marine Corps-wide artillery upgrade.
The new Howitzer, which is scheduled to replace the M-198 Howitzers Corps-wide by 2010, is about 5,000 pounds lighter than the M-198. This difference in weight makes the new Howitzer a more mobile weapon system. Marines can transport it using an MV-22 Osprey tilt-rotor aircraft. The older howitzer weighed too much for the aircraft to transport, according to Staff Sgt. J. D. Baters, the battery gunnery sergeant for L Battery, 3rd Battalion, 12th Marine Regiment, 3rd Marine Division.
Additionally, the M777 Lightweight Howitzer has the ability to fire more advanced artillery rounds. The M777 can fire an Excalibur precision-guided projectile that uses an onboard computer and global positioning system to help guide itself back onto predetermined targets if fired off course.
The M777 also boasts the same range firing capabilities as the M-198 and a Digital Fire Control System and built in radio. The new DFCS gives Marine gunners the capability to receive coordinates directly from a fire direction center and uses a global positioning system to help zero in on targets, Baters said.
With the old system, Marines have to communicate with the fire direction center through radio and use iron sights to aim at targets. By cutting down on the time field artillery cannoneers spend receiving and inputting data, they can provide direct fire support more rapidly, Baters said. The M777 is also equipped with iron sights to serve as a backup in case the digital system fails.
The M777 also has a display that allows the fire direction center to send text messages to cannoneers riding in vehicles or manning Howitzers. The M777 also reduces the amount of time it takes for cannoneers to respond to indirect fire requests, Baters said.
"When somebody requests artillery support, every second counts," Baters said. "We can have this gun ready to fire in literally three to four minutes."
Because each M777 has the equipment to communicate with the fire direction center directly, the cannoneers can cover a larger area since they no longer need to be grouped together to receive coordinates, according to Sgt. Matthew L. Higgins, a field artillery cannoneer with L Battery.
"Instead of having all our guns in one spot, we can divide them up and cover a larger area," Higgins said.
Field artillery cannoneers with L Battery, arriving from Twentynine Palms, Calif., inspected the M777s before accepting the new guns from the Camp Pendleton, Calif.- based E Battery, 2nd Bn., 11th Marines, 1st MarDiv.
The 31st MEU's artillery batteries rotate in and out about every six months to a year as part of the Unit Deployment Program on Okinawa.
Copyright 2007 Marine Corps News. All opinions expressed in this article are the author's and do not necessarily reflect those of Military.com.
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Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Vroooooooooooom.
KG3 got her student driver’s permit (aka the “white-slip”) on Friday, so we went on a couple of excursions over the holiday weekend to test her driving mettle. She did rather well, in truth, and we only had one really stressful “nail-biting” moment. I think that adults get so used to driving that we forget how stressful it was when we were learning.
It’s not until we are removed from our comfort level do we remember all of the nuances involved in driving. Nuances that we do instinctually, but are difficult to explain to a student driver. Don’t believe me? Well, lets brake down the elements of stopping at a four way stop sign and making a left hand turn:
1 – Begin braking
2 – Turn on signal .....remember to flip the lever down to go left
3 – Stop behind the stop sign
4 – Check all four lanes, if cars are present, remember the rules of right-of-way
5 – Accelerate into turn and smoothly turn the steering wheel
See?! That’s a lot of thinking for a simple left hand turn, huh? But we’ve got to work at it until it become second nature to us. Because when you think about it, a car is nothing more that a 3,000lbs death cage that moves incredibly fast. I think kids realize it when they first start learning to drive, but the realization fades away as their comfort level grows.
I think we have nearly 200 more hours of driving to go before she’ll have enough behind-the-wheel time to take her driver’s test next year. Surely she’ll be ready by then.
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Thursday, December 20, 2007
Just Plain Wrong.
I almost ran over a small dog today on my way to work. I managed to slow down just enough for the little buger to jump out of the way, but he died anyway, as luck would have it. upon dodging the Cadillac, he was slammed into by a blue mini-van. Que sara sara - or how ever you spell it.
I was relating this to Captain Alex and it reminded me of an urban legend that i heard in high school where I guy went on a drinking binge. The man swerved all the way home, drunk as all hell. After pulling his company car in the garage, he stumbled into bed and passed out. Needless to day, the guy was hung over the next day and running behind for work. he had drank so heavilly that he didn’t even remember how he got home! As he was leaving, his wife noticed that In his rush to get ready, her husband had forgotten his briefcase. So she opened the front door to meet him in the driveway as he backed out of the garage.
The man saw his wife approaching the car, and then fall to the ground. He jumped out of the car to help her and when he revived her, she pointed to the front of the car. And what the man saw was a horrible sight indeed. The body of a small girl - all broken and battered was stuck inside the grill of the car.
Captain Alex: Thats horrible.
Me: But I don’t know if it’s really true. I heard it a long time ago. Hey! That’d be a good one for MythBusters!
Captain Alex: It would?
Me: Well, not to find out if it really happened or not, but if a little girl could really ever get stuck inside a cars grill.
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Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Don't tread on me!
Upon taking a bite of my Mcdonalds cheeseburger today, I had to put it down immediately. It tasted fine, but something about it didn't feel right.! That's when I noticed this strange tire tread going across the side of the lower bun. I really don't have any idea how it got there, let alone what would have made that kind of tread print in the bread. Maybe it's time to get CSI involved.
It surely makes me question just how they kill the cows......
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Tuesday, December 18, 2007
The Strangest Card
I got the strangest Christmas card ever from Captain Alex today. It involved the tale of, and a photo of Albie the Elf. The card went as follows:
Dear Derek,
Whenever life hands you lemons and you are stressed out, remember the old tale of Albie the Elf. He only had 5 minutes, a Miller Lite, a cig, and a prayer to complete the wishes of millions of bratty-ass kids. Did poor Albie complain?.... Well, it's had to say. Albie passed out shortly after this photo was taken and he was fired due to his strange attraction to sheep and a guitar playing monkey toy (as seen in the photo). But Albie's spirit lives on this Christmas and many to come!
Merry Christmas - Alex N.
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Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Printed in the newspaper
Sioux sent me this strange ad she had to make for the newspaper where she works!
Sioux: I thought you of all people would appreciate this ad that I just made. Somebody is actually paying to put this in our paper!
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Monday, December 17, 2007
Working with the freakshow
The following was a little email banter regarding the creative department's holiday celebration.
The Deb: Alex had a great idea! How about if we have a white elephant gift exchange this week, along with a department lunch? White elephant gifts can be ANYTHING you want. It can be something you think is ugly, something you received as a gift in the past and have never used, or just something that you want to give that will add a bit of humor to the day.
Let me know if you would like to do this which day (Thursday or Friday)? Also, if we want to do a department lunch, we will have to decide where……
Reverend Ed: I suck at the whole gift thing.....but I do like to eat
Me: I like to eat sucky gifts whole! Wait, that isn't what I meant! I like to suck thing wholes! No, that's not it either. I suck at eating wholes.
This is getting worse....... Damn.
Reverend Ed: ..........that would be a way to get rid of the cursed tiki doll that has been keeping my family down for 4 generations.........
Me: I'll take it! I'll take it! I bet I could mate it with my kid's Furby doll and have one of those monster Zuni dancing dolls like in that 80’s movie. Then when the mailman shows up, I'd be like “SICK BALLS ZUNI WARRIOR! SICK BALLS!!!”
Reverend Ed: yea, the one with Karen Black......Trilogy of terror, that's what I meant........
Me: Yeah!!! Nobody else would get that .......... You're such a freak, Ed.
Reverend Ed: Freak........freak.........bald freak........pencil neck geek
Me: You smell sumptin'? Underwear streak. -------Just finishin' the poem, brother. Just finishing the poem......
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Sunday, December 16, 2007
A fungal snowman.
KG3 made salads for lunch today, and added a little holiday cheer to them as always.
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Wednesday, December 12, 2007
A public service announcement.
Just a warning to all of the guys out there: The product shown on the right is to be used for household cleaning such as counter tops, shower faucets, and mirrors! Do NOT use it to clean your body parts! Clorox is a bleaching agent and will probably burn upon contact with your hoo-hoo, joo joos, and wiener. So even though it looks remarkably like a package of wet ones/baby
wipes, it is NOT intended for cleaning your body! I know that it touts that it has an “Anti-Streak” formula – nevertheless, you should keep it as far away from your cornhole as possible.
This public service announcement has been brought to you by Derek Greenwood, purveyor of important safety information.
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Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Letters. We get letters.
The following email came from Ernie Miller, artist extraordinaire and possible future owner of one of my kidneys. Ernie sent me a message regarding the artist action figures in the December 2 post.
Derek,
I am damn happy there are no Ernie Miller action figures out there. Though the idea of you thinking of me is very heart felt and makes me feel a little dirty.
Hope you and the family are doing well. I am making stuff as usual and doing my best to infect every household in the nation with it.
Happy holidays,
Ernie
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Tuesday, December 11, 2007
ALWAYS look a gift horse in the mouth!
One of the horrible things about getting older is forgetting things that happened when you were younger. At 37, I've already noticed that people bring up things that I should remember, but can't . Is this natural for everyone? Lord, I hope so. If not, it may be due to all of those lead fishing weights that I incessantly chewed on when I was little.
Mmmmmm..... I can still taste them if I think about it. Lead tastes goooooood. But don't chew on them kids. Lead is really, really bad for you – just like masturbation!
I was driving to work and something sparked an old memory from way back when I was about 10 years old. My mom and dad were still married and we lived in a tiny little farmhouse at the time. I was sitting in our living room which was decked out with brown shag carpet and burnt orange wooden shingles covering one wall. Hey, it was the seventies, and I was 10; I didn't have any say in the home décor back then! It was a summer evening and I was sitting in the big recliner in front of the television watching my kiddie crush, Julie from the Love Boat, argue with Gopher.
It was a hot summer night, and I was sweating like crazy even though the window fan was blasting air towards me. Boy Julie McCoy was pretty. Man, that Gopher was funny. Geez, it was hot in there.
And then I noticed it. Pressed deep into the shag carpet was a half full bottle of Coke on the side of the chair! My Dad had apparently forgotten to take it with him earlier! Did I mention it was a hot summer night? I was much like a hyena, a ravenous scavenger. I intended on slamming it down as quickly as I could; Before my Dad came back to lay claim to his refreshing soda. So I reached down and grabbed the bottle, quickly tipped it back and began to down the whole thing.
But then I realized something. This didn't taste right. It was awful! I tried to stop drinking, but the slimy contents kept flowing as if the fluid were actually a single mass. By the time I realized that I had drank a bottle of my Dad's chewing tobacco spit, my stomach was already lurching.
I got up and ran to my mom, but the vomit was already rising in my throat. A gloppy combination of tobacco spit and stomach acid erupted from me like a volcano. I'm not sure how many times I threw up, but it seems like I was sick for days.
I owe it to my Dad for this life lesson: If something seems too good to be true, it probably is.
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Monday, December 9, 2007
Letters. We get letters.
My mail bag was full of stuff today, so let's get to it. (And no timmaay, I didn't say my "male bag".)
First off, I got this comment from baument regarding the December 3rd post and the 'best friends' locket for Dawn and Drew.
Quoth the reverend Ed: "If a locket that says 'Best' on one side and 'Friends' on the other is combined wouldn't it be 'Bends'?"
And here's another from Ed regarding the December post:
"Interesting that you didn't get the bottle of Dickens Cider and instead you got a Dickens Cider Can."
And Timmaay sent me some mail about the December 9th post:
"Actually I think I like that Satyr drawing the best of your last few posted. You went to town on that background...you were a stippling fool!
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Sunday, December 9, 2007
My little Satyr!
Here's the newest drawing that I've finished. The Satyr is a Greek mythical beast that was half man, half goat. Since the frequented wooded areas, I tried to draw it in what would be its natural habitat.
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Saturday, December 8, 2007
Rules of the Road
KG3's birthday is quickly approaching and she is getting ready to take her Driver's Education. The State of Illinois provides the students with a "Rules of the Road" booklet to use as a study guide, but it's written rather confusing. It's been so long since I've looked over these "rules" that I'd forgotten how crazy this book is. Now I'll be the first to admit that my sentence structure can be totally messed up. I'm not the best writer by any means, but holy cow, deciphering the sentences in this driving book is like trying to put together the Da Vinci code!
I never expected it to be crystal clear though; Anyone who's ever read a government publication knows how confusing these documents are. But it wasn't until I began reading this "Rules of the Road" book did I recall just how confusing it is.
How could I ever forget the beautifully crafted sentences like this one:
Is that question even a real sentence? Or how about this one:
Why would the driver of an ambulance want to pull over to the right-hand edge and stop? Crazy!
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Friday, December 7, 2007
A big Dicken's Cider can
I picked up a couple of cans of Dicken's Cider Energy Drink the other day! What a product! The cans are HUGE!!!! Although I think it might be a women's drink when I come to think of it. I guess a woman would get more energy from having a huge Dicken's Cider than I would.
Also take note that it includes 4.8mg of Horny Goat Weed Extract!!! Geez... talk about a thankless job. I assure wouldn't want to the guy who had to extract the weed from a horny goat!
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Thursday, December 6, 2007
Doctor's orders
I went to the doctor over my lunch hour and he gave me a clean bill of health for the ol’ elbow. I guess it's healed enough that I don't need therapy anymore; which I bet some of you would argue about, but I'm talking about therapy for my elbow.
He told me to be easy with it for a month or so. When I asked him what he meant be easy he said, and I quote:
“No heavy lifting, such as trash cans, Christmas trees, or large/heavy casserole dishes. And definitely don't do anything overly repetitive like loading a dishwasher or vacuuming.”
“So is there anything that I can do?”
“Sure. The thumb and finger motions of a Sony Playstation will help build up your elbow strength over time. It wont be immediate, but after a few hundred hours you'll begin to notice a difference.”
That isn't what he said verbatim, but I think it pretty much sums it up. It's funny how the only time that Wendy didn't come with me, I got so much information from him. I guess I'll just have to buckle down and follow his advice.
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Wednesday, December 5, 2007
More Drawlings!
Here are a couple more drawings that I've been working on for the past few days. The one with the girl in the mirror completely sucks, I know. But I figured I might as well finish it even if I didn't like the way it was looking. I do like the weird bug-thingy though. I'd never tried to draw anything quite as strange as that and I'm actually happy with the way it turned out! Even though it does kind of make my skin crawl.
Click on an image if you want to see a bigger version of a drawing.
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Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Damned near inappropriate!
I was telling Captain Alex about the deals that I found over the weekend at Blick Art supply over the weekend and it led into this entirely inappropriate office conversation;
Me: Did you know that “Dick Blicks” is just called “Blick” now?
Captain Alex: Really?
Me: Yep. I don't know when the changed names, but I guess they just let go of their “Dick”.
Captain Alex: That's weird.
Me: Yeah. They're completely “Dickless” now. Even their new logo is “Dick” free!
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Tuesday, December 4, 2007
A brand new game!
An emailed conversation between Captain Alex and I:
To: Captain Alex
Subject: New game
Restaurant Names that sound like they should be in the adult movie industry! I'll go first:
Western Sizzler
The Red Lobster
Fudruckers
Long John Silver
Jack in the Box
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To: Derek
Subject: New game
Taco gringo
Texas Roadhouse
Smokey Bones
Boxza
Carlos O kelly’s
Fazolis
Crackerbarrel
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To: Captain Alex
Subject: New game
You win, you win, sheesh!!!
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Monday, December 3, 2007
Spotted in Costa Rica!
Surprise, surprise! Drew (of the beloved Dawn & Drew Show) sent me an email saying that I would “enjoy the photos” from their recent trip to Costa Rica. So I checked out their Flickr account and saw that Drew was wearing the t-shirt I sent them! Way cool!!! Both Drew and Dawn are VW bus enthusiasts I've been trying to get them to come down for the VW show that I work every year. Hopefully they'll be able to make it this year.
That way we can be bestest friends forever. I'll have a locket engraved and give them half! I don’t know if they should get the side that says “Best”, or the one that says “Friends.” Maybe I could split it in 3 sections by adding one that says “Forever.” Yeah, how cool would that be?! I heard that Dawn really likes that sorta; thing! Then they could move to a farmhouse near me and I could help them start a Chinchilla ranch.
Okay, okay – so maybe I'm going over board. But I still hope they can make it down to hang out a bit.
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Sunday, December 2, 2007
Yo Joe!
I noticed that the flyer for Blick's Art Supplies had a special sale of their Artist Action Figures. The ad said that you can choose between da Vinci or VanGogh. I wonder if there was more of a selection before the holiday season? It just seems to be a little biased to only offer two artists, don't you think? I mean, what about Picasso, Renoir, or Ernie Miller?
I bet they have cool moves like the G.I. Joe figures did! But instead of a "kung-fu grip", they'd be related to the artist. Van Gogh would have amazing "ear slicing action" and the like.
Just steer clear of the Maplethorpe figure with the "bullwhip stuffing action". It's messy; really messy.
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Saturday, December 1, 2007
Shop-a-holics Unite!
Today was the first day of our traditional “Spend all the money” Christmas shopping spree. We drove to the nearest big town which is about an hour and a half away. We took a wish-list that KG3 composed that was contained both Christmas and her birthday “dream presents.” I think we did fairly well, but one of the gifts really gave us trouble, and no matter where we looked it eluded us. I'm speaking of the Guitar Hero 2 game and controller set.
Perhaps I should explain what it is, in the event that some of you may have been out of the video game loop for a year or so. Guitar Hero actually uses a fake guitar as a controller to play classic rock-n-roll songs on the Sony Playstation. Yes, I know it sounds stupid, but it's actually quite addictive and fun.
The new version, “Guitar Hero 3” was all over the place - like scabs on a leper. But the older game which we wanted was akin to searching for the Loch Ness Monster. That is, we've heard lots of people who've seen it, but we couldn't find one no matter where we looked.
So why not get “Guitar Hero 3”? Because it requires a new gaming system – which runs about $400 itself – and that's too much dough for this poor guy to spend. We tried, but KG3 will just have to grind those Axe-solos in her dreams for now.
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