Tuesday February 27 , 2006

Morning Banter.

This is the conversation between me and The Kid this morning as I was leaving for work.

Me: Have fun at school! I want you to work really hard, okay?

The Brat: Okay.

Me: All I want you to do today is feed the dogs when you get home......and bring all of your grades up to an “A”.

The Brat: Okaaaay....

Me: And then you can go ahead and solve that whole world-hunger thing and, if you get time, bring about world-peace.

The Brat: Alright. Do you want me to work on raising the dead too?

Me: No. Its a nice thought honey, but I don't want to overload you.

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

Monday February 26 , 2006

Overheard at a restaurant.

A snippet of conversation overheard by Aaron and his mother while eating lunch at a diner....

"Yeah, but I'd still rather go hunting with Dick Cheney than ride in a car with Ted Kennedy."

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

Thursday February 23 , 2006

Karen Carpenter is at it again!

I had to get a new radiator put on the Bonneville yesterday. And just because it is such a ritzy stinking car, it was expensive as hell. We bought the car used with around a hundred thousand miles on it, it still thought it was really cool because it was fully loaded.

And I mean fully. Two air lumbar supports, a HUD display projected on the windshield, power seats, power sun roof, a built in air pump in the trunk, cruising and performance shift switches, an air assisted suspension system, and a super charged engine. I loved it and it kicked ass... until stuff started to brake.

You see, it had the kick-ass options that I wanted, but can't afford to fix. First the ABS system goes bad, so we take out the fuse. Then the air suspension burns out every fuse that we put in it, so now it rides like a monster truck. And when the radiator cracked and started leaking, we knew that it was going to be nothing but trouble.

Of course its not a common radiator. In fact, one store wanted $260 dollars for the thing! But it had to be fixed, so we bit the bullet and bought one. Then, upon taking the old radiator, we discover that part of it wasn't installed correctly and wont work with our new radiator. And of course, its not a piece that we can find in a salvage yard, so were going to have to buy a new one from the dealer.

Sometimes I wished I still drove that crappy old Cavalier. At least when it broke down there we're plenty of parts for it at the auto salvage.

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

Thursday February 23 , 2006

Karen Carpenter is at it again!

I had to get a new radiator put on the Bonneville yesterday. And just because it is such a ritzy stinking car, it was expensive as hell. We bought the car used with around a hundred thousand miles on it, it still thought it was really cool because it was fully loaded.

And I mean fully. Two air lumbar supports, a HUD display projected on the windshield, power seats, power sun roof, a built in air pump in the trunk, cruising and performance shift switches, an air assisted suspension system, and a super charged engine. I loved it and it kicked ass... until stuff started to brake.

You see, it had the kick-ass options that I wanted, but can't afford to fix. First the ABS system goes bad, so we take out the fuse. Then the air suspension burns out every fuse that we put in it, so now it rides like a monster truck. And when the radiator cracked and started leaking, we knew that it was going to be nothing but trouble.

Of course its not a common radiator. In fact, one store wanted $260 dollars for the thing! But it had to be fixed, so we bit the bullet and bought one. Then, upon taking the old radiator, we discover that part of it wasn't installed correctly and wont work with our new radiator. And of course, its not a piece that we can find in a salvage yard, so were going to have to buy a new one from the dealer.

Sometimes I wished I still drove that crappy old Cavalier. At least when it broke down there we're plenty of parts for it at the auto salvage.

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

Wednesday February 22 , 2006

Hacking like crazy...

I had to take my grandma to the emergency room earlier. She's had bronchitis for about a week, but it has gotten so bad that she is struggling for breath. After nearly three hours of waiting, they finally diagnosed her with pneumonia and admitted her. She couldn't inhale enough air to breathe and was turning blue and purple! It was scary as hell. Apparently the hospital is full of people with the same thing, meaning that a viral pneumonia is going around.

Lovely!

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

Tuesday February 21 , 2006

Mr. Sandman, bring me your dreams...

I went to the doctor again on Tuesday and he laid into me about my sleeping habits. Ever since I can remember, I have been a night person. Always up late and typically not worth a shit in the morning. So I am usually up until the wee hours of the morning. Through the week I try to get to bed at 1am, but its usually closer to 1:30. Then I have to make myself lay down and I listen to the radio until I can fall asleep. It’s usually around 2 or so.

It’s probably not surprising that I have a hard time waking up in the morning. I am dead to the world when I sleep. One time a branch fell through our bedroom roof and I slept through it. It even woke the neighbors up! But I slumber through it until Her Majesty kicked me awake.

Once I get up and moving I am fine. It’s not like I drag-ass all day or anything. I usually feel perfectly fine once I wake up, its just the becoming awake that gives me trouble.

So the doctor explained how the brain needs a certain amount of sleep to function, and that mine doesn't get enough! He pointed out that sleep deprivation is a method used to brainwash people because they can't function without proper sleep. And since my career relies on my creativity, I should make sure to get at least 8 hours of sleep.

As a result of the doctor’s comments, I am trying to get more sleep for a full week, just to test his theory. Last evening I went to bet at 10 — that’s 3.5 hours earlier that normal! But I still didn’t wake up easily, nor do I feel any more refreshed today. I guess I will continue the one week, but if I still feel the same I'm going back to my normal routine.

If I calculated correctly (and I probably didn't), here is a comparison of the two sleep habits: a 1:30am vs. a 10pm bedtime. At 1:30 I get about 3.5 hours of awake time per night. I only go to bed at this time during the work week. So that means during a 5 day week I get 17.5 more “awake hours”. Multiply that by 52 weeks/year and you get 910 hours each year. So if I would happen to live to the age of 70, my shitty sleep cycle will have allowed me to have 30,940 hours of “awake time” if I started counting this year. That's 1289.166 days, or 3.53 YEARS of time.

That's YEARS baby!

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

Monday February 20 , 2006

Only four months behind schedule.

I’ve finally gotten around to writing some tutorials omn how to create the props used for our 2005 halloween Party. Click the links below if you are into this kind of stuff.

Flame Box: making a faux flame or firepit for your yard.

Face Transplant: a creepy prop that looks like someone's face was skiined.

Old Signs: a painting method to create the illusion of decayed wood.

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

Friday February 17, 2006

And this weeks "What the F@#k Award" goes to........

I've never proclaimed myself as any type of marketing genius, so far be it from me to complain about ther peoples' ideas. But I saw this political sign on the way to work today and it completely astounded me! Does anyone in his campaign seriously believe that "Got Guv?" is a good political slogan? aside from it being a blatand rip-pff of the legendary "Got Milk" ad campaign, it just sounds stupid. If this goober doesn't have the judgement to see how rediculous these signs makes him look, then I sure as hell don't want him making any important decisions! Geez....... I just found out that he's a Republican. Silly, silly Republicans, when will we learn?!

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule

Response to February 17 post

Letters, we get letters........

Derek,

Apparently this dolt has something to do with dairy farming in the Chicago area. Thus the poor knock-off of the milk campaign. However, us downstate hillbillies don't know that and he's doing what most politicians do. Campaigning primarily for Chicago votes. Wouldn't it be nice if someone took the time to investigate the way things are south of Chicago? I know. Thats plain silly..

- Jody J.

Wednesday February 15, 2006 Oh, the delicious irony that almost was. Rough night last night. Unbeknownst to me, I inadvertently doubled up my dose of evening medicine. I didn’t realize it at first, and began my nightly walk just as I always do. It wasn’t until I was about two mile into the jaunt that the effects of “double dosing” became unnervingly apparent. Initially, I felt a little woozy almost as if I was dehydrated. It was in the lower 30’s and I trudged on however. I remember thinking that I was just past the halfway point and that I would be home in less than a half an hour. I passed up two opportunities to take a shorter route home. I should have taken them! With each passing minute, my steps became slower, my pace shorter, and I noticed that I was now staggering in a psuedo-drunk stride. I was getting dizzy, but there were no practical places to stop. I wished that I had carried the cellphone as my heart began pounding like a bass drum being thumped by a hyperactive crack addict. But onward I pushed. There was no other way now. All of my shorter routes were passed by and I HAD to make it home using my normal route. I stopped for a few seconds in the sidewalk adjacent to the funeral home. After nearly losing my balance, I started walking again. I laughed in my dizzy stupor thinking about the irony of my falling down and dieing in the funeral home lawn! I eventually made it home and sat down for a breather. It was nearly midnight. My one hour walk had somehow turned into an hour and a half adventure that I won’t soon forget. Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

Response to February 15 post

Letters, we get letters........

Damn dude! What kind of meds are you taking? LOL
I'm thinking you need to up the dosage on the Aricept! Maybe then you won't forget that you took the others.

- White Raven

Tuesday February 14, 2006

If you read this..... Happy Birthday Cody!

Monday February 13, 2006

The moral of today's story: Don't f@#k with Dick Cheney.

Today started out rough. I awoke from my drunken stupor unexpectedly easily, but reeked of whiskey and cigars. It was if I had the scent of an old poker player, and the smell of my jacket nearly made me gag when I picked it up, so I wore another today.

The night before had been a blur. It consisted of cups of Crown Royal with my father-in-law and an uncle-in law. After the whiskey flowed, my recollection of the nightly events begins to wane. There was something with cigars, a discussion of tractors and a vague memory about myself skipping through a graveled parking lot. I also seem to have a vision of Patrick Swayze with a sword, and being too inebriated to play a video game.

As bad as my day began however, at least I wasn't involved in any hunting accidents, like our esteemed Vice-President did.

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

Response to February 13 post

Letters, we get letters........

I heard that when the paramedics showed up they didn’t know what to do. Out of habit they kept trying to strap down Cheney. I guess that’s one way to fix Medicare. That will teach the only guy not to mention a dyke when he is within earshot of the VP. The funniest part is that you called him “esteemed”

- Poe

Friday February 10, 2006

Goodbye Timmaaa...

My friend Tim Shouse left the company today. He and his wife will be moving to the big city this weekend where they have both accepted positions with her father's company. On one hand, I was happy for them. After all, they are newlyweds fresh from college. They have no children nor mortgage to worry about. Now is the perfect time for them to take a chance on such a life altering event. Once the kids arrive, you have roots in a community, and have invested your whole life in a home, it is damned hard to take risks!

But on the other hand, the little jerk left me high and dry at work! And to top it off, he lied to me when he told me that he would leave his black squishy-gel stress ball. You lied to me Timmaaa, and I will never forget that!!!!!

Of course I am kidding! I really liked working with Tim and doubt that anyone will ever truly be able to replace him. But he seriously didn't leave that damn ball like he promised......

So in return for the missing ball, I thought that I would share some of the finer moments of Timmaaa in pictorial form. I'm sure that you will be able to see that he was a true professional to work with.

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

Wednesday February 8 , 2006

Do I really need to title this one?

I found this ad in our local phone book. Does it creep anyone out as much as it does me? What the hell were they thinking? What are they trying to say? That they cater to giants? That the doctor is a fairy? I dunno...... but it sure is gross. Good thing its not an OBGYN clinic.

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

Tuesday February 7 , 2006 -- late

Only 265 days until Halloween...

I’ve been working really hard on my Halloween pages for the past week or so. I need to get them updated in a bad way. About 3/4 of my traffic comes from those pages, and since I am such a media whore, I have to do what I can to keep those numbers up. If you're a do-it-yourselfer and enjoy Halloween, then you might want to check out some of my new projects in the early part of next week.

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

Tuesday February 7 , 2006

Uncommon Valor.

Cheney

Our hometown installed a new memorial over Memorial Day, but it wasn't until recently that we had time to really look at it. Upon first glance, the great bronze eagle rearing its wings appears to be the focal point of the memorial. But upon closer observation, the bricks surrounding the statue take on a new, higher meaning. Not only do they serve to pave a path around the eagle, but each brick is emblazoned with the name and branch of service for those brave men who fought for our country in World War 2.

It took some searching, but The Brat was able to point out the brick that honored my Grandfather. I never met him, and in all truth, I don't know a lot about him. He died when my Mom was a child and my grandmother rarely spoke of him.

It wasn't until I borrowed the “Band of Brothers” dvd set from my friend Aaron that I learned that my Grandpa fought in WW2. The discovery was quite accidental, as I was visiting my aunt and mentioned the “Band of Brothers” show to her.

She was like, "Your Grandpa fought in WW2, He fought at the Battle of the Bulge.”

I was taken aback. How could I, his only grandson, have known so little about this man? Especially since I too had served our country in the military? I instantly gained a new admiration for this grandfather that I had never known. He fought proudly, in the midst of living hell - one of the bloodiest, yet most important battles of the entire war. And I never even knew.

I wonder if he ever spoke of his experiences, or if he held the horrors deep inside himself, protecting his loved ones from the realities of war? I will never know the answer to that question, but I am proud to honor him and the rest of our country's greatest generation.

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

Monday February 6, 2006

An uncle at last!

I'm finally an Uncle! After waiting damn near a year (okay, more like nine months), my sister-in-law Jami and her husband John decided to deliver a new little girl to the world. Her name is Alexandria Elspeth and she is one cute lil' tater. Unfortunately for us, Jami, John and Alexandria live way off in the magical land know as Idaho. So we will have to be content with getting a lot of these cute photos emailed to us......for now. Perhaps a plane ride is in order?! Maybe once Alexandia grows, she will take her rightful place besides The Brat in the quest for world domination.

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

Friday February 3, 2006

Tonguing the teeth fantastic.

Her Majesty isn't being very cooperative with the whole Dawn and Drew invitation. In her words: “You must be crazy! Why would I want to invite two strangers into our house?” But my retort is “Strangers? Stranger than what?”

Aside from this disagreement over house guests, my tongue hurts like a mutha’ today! You might expect me to say that I burnt it on hot coffee, but I didn't. Nor did I bite it accidentally. Those are waaaaaay too common happenings for someone with my bizarre luck. My tongue injury hurt much, much worse than those, and is so strange that I can't even really understand how it happened.

It was nearly nine o'clock and I was getting ready to go for a walk. I opened my mouth wide as if to yarn and winced as the pain shot through me.

Somehow the strip of skin in the center of the underside of my tongue had become stuck between my teeth. My natural reaction of course, was to pull my tongue back into my mouth, ripping it free from its enamel bonds.

No blood, no visible damage, just enough pain to make a grizzly bear pass out. It was awful. But the strange thing is that I can't figure out how it happened. Even if I try, I'm not able to stretch my tongue far enough to snag it on my teeth again. So how did it get wedged between my teeth in the first place? It will go down in history as an unsolved mystery like the Great Sphinx, Area 51, and the success of NASCAR.

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

Thursday February 2, 2006

It's a small, small world!

I think that I've mentioned a time or two before that I am a devoted listener to a hilarious podcast called the Dawn and Drew show. During one of their shows, Drew mentioned that he his a VW bus enthusiast. As you might know, I am a graphic designer for one of the leading automotive enthusiast catalog companies and we just so happen to deal heavily with the VW market. So out of curiosity, I had a friend check to see if Drew was a customer. And lo and behold, he was! Right there before me was all of his personal contact information: address, phone number, etc. and I thought "Cool."

Don't read into this though! I'm not going to use the info to get ahold of them, but I was excited to know that the possibility existed. It's such a small world, and its weird to realize that these two "media stars" were accessible, just like anyone else.

And then the idea hit me: I wonder if they've ever attended one of our VW Funfests? And if not, I wondered if Her Majesty would allow them to stay at our house for a few days. I would still have to work through the day while they would hang out at the carshow, but afterwords we could all go out and do something.

The Dawn and Drew Show is probably the most popular podcast in the world, and that they have hundreds of thousands of fans. But something is different about them. They actually hang out with their fans, meet with them on their journeys, and look upon them as friends. They don't appear to follow the traditional "celebrity" mold at all.

I fired off a quick email to Her Majesty, asking her about her thoughts of the offer. She's not a listener (yet....) and I don't think that so will be very receptive to the idea. But maybe I can get her to listen to a few shows....... wait maybe I shouldn't do that.

If she does agree, I am going to contact them via their "business" email rather than use the information that I have access too. I realize that they have a right to privacy and I wouldn't want a stranger calling me at home like that. Luckily I'm not famous enough to be bothered at home by strangers calling, except for Verizon, Cingular, Dish Network, Visa, Mastercard, Chase Bank, some travel agency, and the Illinois Sheriff Association.

I'll keep you posted of any developments in the situation.

Wednesday February 1, 2006

January search results are in!

If any of you have any doubt that the internet is truly a tool for all that is horrible in this world, look no further than January's search results. From now on, the first post of each month will be a listing of all of the strange and bizarre searches which landed people to my website.

Searches that brought people to my website in January.

01-03-06 From Searchmsn.com: cures for finger infections
01-03-06 From Google: how to put fake hair in you hair making it look real
01-11-05:From google: clean console dashboard
01-17-05: from Google: I stomp snails
01-18-06: From Google: Afro with sideburns
01-24-06 altavista.com: glue on your face
01-24-06 google.com: does not play well with others dog shirt
01-25-06: From: Google: PROGRAM FOR LONELY MOTHERS
01-25-06: From: Google: boys size seven etnies
01-25-06: From: Google image search: karen_in_coat.jpg
01-25-06: From: Google: warp your face in a bottle
01-25-06: From: Google: monkey throwing poop
01-27-06: From: Google: hairless sasquatch
01-25-06: From: Google: coolest beard
01-25-06: From: Google: can see the blue veins through my skin in face
01-30-06: From: Yahoo: alien fetus for sale
01-30-06: From: Google: makeshift shoes
01-30-06: From: Google: put makeup own a face

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.