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Tuesday June 28, 2005 I received this email from a reader concerning the posting on last Sunday regarding the boys who threw feces at a State Trooper: "WI was just perusing your blog and came across the guy who was arrested for mob action and that reminded me of back when I was in college. At SIU the had a time when the campus closed on Halloween to prevent rioting (im sure you heard something about it) well then next Monday I went to class and the instructor told us that a member of our project group wouldn’t be with us that day because he was arrested over the weekend for “Mob Actions” (he even showed us the story in the paper). Not a big deal except for the coincidence concerning his name. The guys last name was Capone. I swear to you this story is true, and while most people I tell it to don’t find it that funny; I still laugh my self silly when I think of Capone being arrested for mob actions. Signed, JP |
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Monday June 27, 2005 The picture below was taken from Foxnews.com and it shows some of the stupidest people on the face of this planet. The pics show ta portion of the Florida coastline as taken from a helicopter. All of thse black dots on the right are sharks swimming towards the beach. The three people swimming on the upper left are, well..........dinner.
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Saturday June 25, 2005 The following information is a news story sent to my by Jon Lankow. It involves two "men" for our area who discovered a whole new level of the term stupidity! Two Charged w/Mob Action Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule |
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Friday June 24, 2005 The mercury today is expected to top one hundred degrees! Yep, I said ONE HUNDRED degrees. To quote the skankilicios Paris Hilton, "That's Hot!" We were expecting to go to the drive-in theater tonight. Yes, we still have drive-ins in Illinois! These nearly extinct gems of audio/visual enjoyment are all but forgotten in much of this gloriuos nation of ours, but as you may know, time tends to stand still in rural Illinois. We had went to the drive-in several times last year and always had a good time despite the ordeal that it becomes. Let me elaborate on what I am referring to when I say "ordeal." The trek to the Newton drive-in is no simple matter for us. A smooth drive-in experience takes more planning and operational tactics than most military strikes. It begins with Her Majesty leaving work and driving south about 15 miles to pick up the Brat. Once loaded, they embark on another drive, this one a massive 50 miles, to my place of employment. Once near, they call me to scramble my gear and await thier arrival outside of my workplace. All necessary cargo is then transferred form my vehicle to Her Majesty's. After the primary vehicle is loaded, we embark on yet another drive, this time going East about forty miles to the town known as Newton! Newton is a small midwestern town known for its Eagles and its other attractin, the Drive-In. Once we arrive in this quaint little town, we travel to a general store and purchase chips, popcorn, or other means of greasy sustanence. This whole experence allows us to arrive back at home somewhere in the vicinity of 2am. But we won't be going tonight, as it its too hot to be outside, even when the temperature drops to a chilling 87 degrees at night.
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Thursday June 23, 2005 I feel aweful today. It feels as if a rock has been bearing down upon me and I feel horrible. You see, today, I lied to one of my very best friends. It wasn't a malicious lie by any means. It was a lie with the intentions of sparing one's hurt feelings. In a way, it was a comforting lie. But it was a lie nonetheless, and I reget telling it. It all began when I was told some information by my friend regarding a past event. And since we run in the same circles, I relayed this information to a mutual friend because I knew that they would be concerned as well. No problem I thought. Until today, when I was asked to keep the event secret. Of course I agreed, knowing full well that I had already discussed the secret the day before. And now I feel ill....... I will confess. Because if you can't trust your friends, then your life is rather pathetic. Trust is important.
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Wednesday June 22, 2005 Some people believe that a persons name can dictate their personality, the way that they are percieved by others, and possibly their station in life. For example, if your name is Poindexter P. Thinkalot, you would probably grow up to be in a high paid white-collar job where yu use your brain over brawn. If your name is Vito Knucklebasche, you'll probably be a union leader who walks around carrying a steel pipe. These names may be what psychlogists refer to as self-fullfilling prophecies. Just take a look at the man below. This is an actual screen shot for the Illinois State Police Sex Offender Registry. Now, while I make no assumptions to whether this man is guilty of his charges, I do think that it is a horrible coincidence that hiss name reflects his prosecution oas a sex offender. Just read his name and then tell me that this guy wasn't destined for wrongdoing....... |
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Wednesday June 22, 2005 The challenge issued in last Thursdays post has been won by none other than Blackboard Super-fan John Schaljo. The callenge stated that I would award the first person who contacted me and correctly told where the phrase "Close your eyes Marian! Don't look at it!" was derived would win a dollar. The answer was that it is a quote from Indiana Jones in the original Raiders of the Lost Ark. It comes from the scene where Indiana and Marian are tied to a pole as the Nazis open the lid of the Ark of the Covenant. I had two correct responses on the same day, but Johns was sent to me first. Kudos to Mr. Josh Poe for being the other correct respondant. You guys are both truly geeks of the celluloid. Mr. Schaljo was awarded his dollar via four sparkling quarter dollars for his quick response. And not just any quarters, mind you, as three of them were particularly valuable because they were classic quarters. Yes, classic quarters! Embellished on the reverse with the engraving of a Bald Eagle, the true symbol of American Pride. Our National Bird, who bravely fought extinction to once again become king of the skies! Congratulations John!
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Tuesday June 21, 2005 Its really neat to see how your website ranks with other sites out on the net. I for one, have never submitted this site to any search engines and only appear there because the pages have been indexed through other sites that have linked to me. So it always surprises me when something strnge like this shows up in my stat-counter logs. Apparently, I got a visitor to my site because they searched for "alleric to vegetables". Thats right, alleric which was a typo on my behalf because of my loathing of spell-check. This typo gained my site a #2 rating with MSN! Incredible! But the funniest pert is the way that msn addrieviated the page content. Read the listing below and see if it makes any sense to you! Why in the hell would any sane person click on my link with a content abbreviation like that?!
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Monday June 20, 2005 You may have noticed the little comment bars appearing below some of the more recent posts. I put these in place to allow you, the readers, to give some feedback or comment upon my day to day ramblings. Remember though, anything sent to me just may show up on this website...... I also have a new contact method in addition to email. I just signed up for a Yahoo messenger account. My ID is derekgwood32. |
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Monday June 20, 2005 Vacation has been awesome this year. I have been away from work for nine consecutive days now and still have one to go. I really thought I would go stir crazy after a few days at home, but I haven't for some reason. Maybe its because I have been so busy even though I haven't been going to work. Lets review some of the many things that I've accomplished over the past nine days, shall we? First of all......................uhhhhhh. Ummmmmm, well, I guess that I really haven't done much of anything. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! But all of this aside, I think that I really am ready to go back to work now. Strange as it sounds, there are things that I kinda' miss. Like yappin' with Sioux, and...................... well, yappin' with Sioux. I guess I kinda' like giving other people shit too like Aaron, John, Jon, Tim and Ed. |
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Sunday June 19, 2005 The technology behind these new breed of cell phones literally amazes me. Not only the fact that they are now PDAs, mp3 players, and digital cameras, but even the sound quality that they possess. In the early days, these marvels of modern society offered the user a choice of about 20 ringtones. Each different, yet all reminded me of the early music of my childhood friend, the Nintendo Entertainment system. "BLEEEP, BLEEP." the piercing tones would slice through my head, alerting me that someone had called. But now!!!!! Now things are different. Now the user can be alerted by the sound of a roaring Wookie, or the powerful cuts of ACDC's Back in Black. The age of the "bleep, bleep" ringtone has passed. Her Majesty's Samsung SGH cell phone has a ton of built in ringtones. One of which, (and the one that she chose, of course) sounds incredibly like a small meowing kitten. Yes its cute. Yes it sounds real. And yes, it has caused weird reactions when it starts ringing in the middle of stores. This can cause some truly uncomfortable situations mind you. Take for instance the time that it started "meowing" right in the middle of our China Buffet restaurant. The kitten's meow growing progressively louder with each "ring" until people began to nervously look around the building, searching for "the one that got away." So choose your ringtones carefully my friends. |
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Friday June 17, 2005 I went to Olney, IL today and visited my old "mentor" Vic Connor. Vic was my first college art professor and is responsible for pushing me into this field that I love to this day. Without him to guide me along in my fledgling days, I assume that I would probably still be working in a gas station somewhere. (Not that there is anything wrong with working at a gas station, mind you. I did it for a year, myself). Amazingly, it had been almost 7 years since we had gotten together and visited. He has since retired and built a new studio behind his house. Its really nice, I'm sure it is the studio that he wished he could have had decades ago. Its full of an amazingly eclectic array of things. Animal Skulls, bits of machinery, sculptures and drawings, bits of this and that are everywhere. Its truly a feast for your eyes and could easily bring one into a sensory overload. I could have just wandered in there for hours studying the curiosities all around me. It was good to see him and to know that all has been well for he and his family. Now that the relationship has been reestablished, hopefully we can see each other more often. Maybe even get the families together for dinner. I had such a good time visiting that I am going to try and make a better effort at keeping in contact with old friends. So Ernie ol' buddy, you are next. And so are you, Mr. Benjamin Dybas!
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Thursday June 16, 2005 Before we make the long and arduous journey home from the land known as Indiana, we always try to make a tradition of an activity which is beloved to white trash families across the tri-state. Of course I am referring to the shopping adventure known as the garage sale. Exploring the vast richness of other peoples' trash is a learned skill. I learned its secrets from my grandmother, who in turn learned it from her grandmother. (My skills are rudimentary at best however, because I was the only grandchild at the time. Eventually these skills were passed down to my cousin Courtney when she became old enough to learn). But even with my limited garage spelunking skills, I do know the most important rule of garage sales: It doesn't matter whether you will need the item or not, only that you want it, or it is priced cheaply enough. So what did we find? The Brat actually made out like a bandit and purchased a bunch of brand new hardbound "Nancy Drew Mysteries" books. Her Majesty on the other hand, found absolutely nothing. I struck gold, however with a creepy, old latex mask that I purchased for a dollar. I know, big friggin' deal to most of you, but I absolutely live for Halloween. Its my favorite holiday, and we go all out for the season. So a one dollar mask is a major find for me. I was so excited!!!! You would have thought that I had located the Ark of the Covenant right there in this chubby ladies' garage! I didn't really need the mask, but Halloween is only a 136 days away after all, and the lack of needing the mask is securely covered by the rule stated above.
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Wednesday June 15, 2005 Okay..... I've been dieing to show these pics off for a while now, and now that the new Batman movie has been released, I can FINALLY post these pictures. It was a pretty exciting day at work when we got to mess around with the new Batmobile. The Brat even had a good time checking it out, but even she didn't realize that I am secretly The BATMAN.
If I'm the Batman, then I'm the Bruce. If Tim is Robin, that makes him the Dick. Sorry Tim.
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Tuesday June 14, 2005 I just heard on the news that another one of my old high-school friends is going to prison! Geez, you'd think that by their 30's these guys would have straightened their lives out. This makes the sixth one that I can think of right off of the top of my head. Shad, Tom, Chris, Jake, Rob, and now Nick --again! Its a shame. Nick and I were close ever since the sixth grade, and I really liked him. Oh well, people dig their own graves. Here is the news report: A Louisville man was sentenced to 6-years in prison after pleading guilty to unlawful drug conspiracy. 35-year old Nick Xxxxx entered to negotiated guilty plea earlier this week. The charge stemmed from Hegel’s arrest on May 30, 2003 was involved in the production of methamphetamine and the transportation of supplies and chemicals to the location where the drug was being made.
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Sunday June 12, 2005 Well folks. I'm finally going to take a vacation from everything, including this website. I don't really have any plans besides going to visit my mom and step-dad in Indianapolis, so it should be a very relaxing week. Hopefully this whole eyeball sickness thingy won't ruin my fishing time. |
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Saturday June 11, 2005 Last week The Brat bought me a bag of chocolate covered coffee beans. I loved them and decided to take the bag wit me to work to share with my co-workers. But unbenownst to me, I had inadvertantly dropped on onto the floor mat of my car. Let me preface this with saying that it has been sweltering hot here in Illinois for the past week. Almost everyday the mercury has crept into the nineties. Well, I got a nasty surprise today when I noticed what looked like small pubble of baby crap on my floor mat. I was shocked and revolted by this glob of chocolate stuck to the rocks and twigs which regularly inhabit my floor mats. |
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Friday June 10, 2005 - Evening Post The eye doctor said that my eye is really screwed up and that if I don't take care of it, the infection could work its way behind my eye and eventually to my brain. If it reached that point it would turn into menengitus. So I just have to be reeeeeeeeeeeeeealy careful that it doesn't get worse. |
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Friday June 10, 2005 What a day so far! I awoke witha a burning sensation in my right eye this morning and was astounded to find out that my body had created its own version of Super-glue to hold my eyelids together. It was nasty! So after about five minutes woth a warm wash-cloth over my eye, i had absorbed enough moisture to open my eye the slightest bit. Eventually, I got the whole thing open and was horrified at what I saw in the mirror. Is it pink-eye, an alleric reaction to something? Who knows. I have an 8:30 appointment with the eye doctor and will give you complete update later tonight after work. In the meantime, enjoy this photo of my Quasimodo eye!
I am not an animal,...... I am a man! |
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Thursday June 9, 2005 I may have already mentioned in previous posts about the annoying family who is leasing the house next door. Well, to be truthful I suppose I should admit the whole family isn't annoying, just the son. The 16 year old kid is a drummer. And that's using the term lightly, believe me! But, like all good students of music, he makes sure to practice playing his instrument at least twice per day. Unfortunately for us, this usually either occurs during dinner, or in the middle of one of Her Majesty's favorite television programs. Needless to say, the drumming quickly became the bane of our existence. The funny part is the fact that The Brat has inherited my malicious frivolity, because today, she came up with a BRILLIANT idea! Each time the boy would start playing his drums, my evil little princess would open the adjacent window, leaving the blinds down, and blow on her bugle like an air raid siren. The best part is that she never really learned how to play the bugle, as she was only in band for half of a year in 5th grade, So each time the drums fired up, she would bellow out some string of sickly notes that would surely call bison into our yard. I missed it all of course, but I received a nice lecture from Her Majesty on how we should be polite to our neighbors........ |
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Wednesday June 8, 2005 I received this chain letter today in my email. It looks like I'm getting three years of bad luck from Sylvester the Cat. |
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Tuesday June 7, 2005 Sometimes you just can't win no matter what!
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Monday June 6, 2005 Today I went to a sporting good store over my lunch hour to buy The Brat some softball pants. Where do these shops find these freakazoid kids that work in there? I had a young lady help me find the pants and the whole time that she was with me, she was bouncing around like a cricket on crack! It was like she was in training for as a troupe member of Cirque de Soleil, all flipping and bouncing on her heels. I swear she was barely human. |
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Sunday June 5, 2005 We took her Majesty to see Star Wars Episode 3 today. She really, really, really, hates Anikin now. |
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Saturday June 4, 2005 I got this for a traveling circus at a little diner that I sometimes frequent. Is it just me, or does this look a little disturbing? Call me crazy, but I think sending my kid into the same place with the clown in this flyer would be the last thing that I'd want to do. I know a lot of people who have a fear of clowns, and by the looks of this dude, I'm starting to understand why. This has to be the most evil, sadistic looking circus clown that I have ever seen. He seems to be saying “ C'mon kids and come play with Uncle Slappy the Clown! Watch me make the knife dissappear in your gut. Taa-Daa!!!!” |
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Friday June 3, 2005 Nyah, nyah, nyah. Guess who got to play on the new Batmobile today?! Yep, me and The Brat! Pictures to follow in a week or so...... |
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Thursday June 2, 2005 I discovered something today that I should have realized ages ago. Some people just can’t write. Now, I realize that I’m not exactly a top notch wordsmith because my synntax sucks, as does my spelling, but at least my ramblings make sense. Sioux and I saw one of those “lost Pet” flyers today and I burst out laughing the moment that I read the first line. “Lost Inside Cat:” |
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Wednesday June 1, 2005 The Brat had a friend over for dinner today and I think we may have really grossed her out during our meal. Y’see, The Brat inherited a lot of things from her mother, but she did the the mutant gene from me that allows us to share the same twisted sense of humor. “What is that?” she asked, suspiciously eyeing the slab of meat on the plate. Now, I myself have always been uncomfortable with this term “pork steak” because the word itself is a conundrum. Pork is from swine, while steak should refer to something bovine in nature. Is this meat carved from some sort of strange genetically modified pig-cow? If not, I think that the meat industry should really rethink using the term. “Oh, c’mon,” I touted “Just chew it up. Don’t be such a sissy.” The girl was trying.... Chewing away at the nasty stuff. “Its not that bad. Just think of it like jelly.” I said “Yeah, its just like jelly” The Brat added. “ Meat Jelly” I said. “Just chew up your meat jelly and then you can have some vegetables.” The entire table lost it. |
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