Monday, February 28, 2005

I had a reoccurring nightmare again last night. I'm walking around in a strange city while being pursued by this big, noseless creature wearing a smiley-face shirt.

No-matter where I would go, I would see a smiley face, and then the creature would somehow materialize out of it. It was a giant beast, about ten feet tall and really fast.

Leave it to me to get a fast monster instead of one of those lumbering ones like the Mummy or Frankenstien. If either of those guys were chasing me, I'd have time to run a few blocks, have a cup of coffee, play some poker, etc. before sprinting away again.

But nooooooooo! My monster has to haul-ass like a dog! The cheesy animation on the right shows you a cartoony version of my "boogey-man."

Sunday, February 27, 2005

I've been starting to kick around the idea of dropping out of the design profession for a while. And no, I'm not suffering from a case of burnout because I love what I do. I just can't imagine doing this until I am 65 or older. And for my career, its difficult to find a place who offers their designers any type of retirement benefits. If I could afford it, I imagine myself going back to school to get a teaching degree in art. Then I could get a job at a school and have a retirement, summers off, and that all-powerful symbol of job security; tenure.

It is all a pipe-dream anyway though, because I'd have to win the lottery or inherit a ton of money in order to do it. And since I don't play the lottery, nor do I have any rich uncles, I remain the designer.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

I noticed these signs have been popping up throughout the town where I work. I must have seen a dozen or so this morning on my daily commute. I'm not sure what it is for; a public elected position, a union position? Who knows!?

I wonder if it is a position at all. It would be an awesome job title don't you think?

"Hi! I'm Derek Greenwood, koester supervisior. How may I be of assistance?"

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

I just finished a new feature called "Ambiguous Safety Diagrams!" Check it out by clicking here.

And while you are at it, be sure to send a question to the Swami-Monkey!

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

That's just what we call "Pillow-Talk" Baby! - Ash.

After being together for the better part of two decades, pillow talk has evolved to the point of including some really deep and sensitive conversations. The following transcript from last night shows the thoughtfulness and tender feelings that married couples often share after spending almost half of thier lives together.

Her Majesty: "Good-night Honey."

Me: "Good-night."

Her Majesty: "I love you."

Me: "I love you too."

Her Majesty: "But you suck."

Me: "No, you suck."

Her Majesty: "No, you suck!"

Me: "No, you suck!"

Her Majesty: "No! You suck!"

Me: "No!! YOU suck!"

Her Majesty: "No I don't. I blow!"

Me: . . . . . . .

Her Majesty: "But YOU SUCK!!!"

Monday, February 21, 2005

Just in case you have been wondering, my postings have been more and more infrequent because I have been watching tons of television lately. Yep, TV. I used to watch quite a bit of television like E.R., Judging Amy, Conan O'brien, Survivor, CSI, blah-blah-blah. But that was before the bane of all television broadcasts took over my living room! Yes, I'm referring to the destroyer of all that is manly; Lifetime Network.

While I don't like the way Lifetime network has somehow infested our television, and never intend on watching its self-made movies, I do respect the network for filling a much needed void in television programming. You see, before Lifetime arrived, women never fully satiated their craving for shows about pregnant daughters, spousal abuse, extramarital affairs and date-rape. Women across the nation could be heard crying out; "We want more date-rape movies starring Nancy Mceean! Which leads me to another good factor that Lifetime provides. It may be the largest employer of washed up actors such as Merideth Baxter Birney, Sissy Spacek, and Nancy Mceean, allowing them to feed their kids.

THE HORSECOW COMETH!!!

My friend Aaron snapped this photo while we were on lunch today of the legendary Horsecow. This elusive beast had somehow managed to avoid all of our previous attempts at photographing it. Even when another friend, John, believed that he had captured an image of the equine-bovine, the photo came out blurred and unrecognizable. This makes me realize why there have never been good, clear photos of Bigfoot or the Loch ness monster, for the Horsecow manage to evade the auto-focus even when tethered to a wagon!!! Oh, the trickery that this creature can bestow is mind boggling!

Look how the Horsecow stands apart from the real cattle, as if saying: "I am the Horsecow! I shall not stoop to standing in a pile of feces like you lowly cows!"

They say that a person should try to learn at least one new thing everyday. Today I learned that Sioux is a "licker", and I am a "biter". Okay, now get your minds out of the guttter because I'm talking about ice-cream cones here. After an unsatisfying dining experience at lunch (me with bean-spout sandwiches and Sioux with her patented PB&J sandwich), we decided to go for the gusto and get some ice-cream at McDonalds. It was then that we discovered the emormous rift our ice-cream consumption styles.

Apparently, Sioux has sensitive teeth because she slowly licked small swaths of ice ceam off of the center mountain of vanilla. Over and over, and over, slowly wearing away at the pile of scrumptious joy stuffed within the sugary cone. It really kind of surprised me, her sensitive teeth that is, because I always thought she was an extremely insensitive person.

Me, on the other hand, dove into the ice-cream like a starving rat in a pile of rotten corn. I quickly sank my teeth in and began devouring the ice-cream like a true carivore should. Mmmmmmmm........chomp, chomp, chomp. Carnivores don't have sensitive teeth.

Too much work these past few weeks. I don't even have time to email my friends anymore. It's kinda' depressing! I haven't even had the time to email my bestest e-pal Michelle.......

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!!!!

Monday, February 14, 2005

A discussion actually spoken during a meeting today.

The Deb (the boss): Just a reminder to you Derek; next Wednesday and Thursday I have enrolled you in some all-day classes.

The Aaron: Yeah, sensitivity training!

Me: Sensitivity training? What kind of F***ing bullshit is that?!

Luckilly everyone involved thought it was funny.

The popularity of my site seems to be ever growing as my stat-counter won't track but a few day worth of traffic anymore. Awesome!!! Last night I almost met the beginning of the end when I tried to upload my updates only to learn that I had used up all of my allotted server space! Luckilly, I was able to consult with the digital Lord of 'Puters, Rick Hickox (owner of Bspeedy.com) and he did some fast magic to give me plenty more space. Thanks Rick! I owe you one.

Wednesday, February 9, 2005

I don't know a whole lot about the Buddhist religion, but I think that I have a fair grasp on the cause and effects of what they call karma. From what I understand, karma is basically an atonement that you do in this life for misgivings that you performed in a previous life. We humans are then forced into life after life until we learn to live a harmonious, peaceful life. Once we have achieved this, we are allowed to pass on into paradise.

From what I have read, karma is gained through poor moral actions, and some actions build more karma than others. For example, kicking a dog, however vile it may be, would not collect as much karma as kicking a child (even an ugly child). I'm not sure what would happen if your target would be something evil though, like if you kicked a rapist. That might be considered good, even though you are still kicking someone. (The next time I see a rapist, I'll be sure and kick them and then check my patented karma-gauge® and let you know what happens.)

In theory, those of us who want to stick around for a few more thousand years, should be able to use these rules of karmatism (Yep, I said: karmatism. I think I just invented a new word there.) to secure a decent life for many, many incarnations. The secret is to do bad things, but not vile enough to make your next incarnation be a poor, fat lady with no legs, or something like that. Luckilly for you, I have thought of ten things that you can do each day to insure that you DO NOT pass on into paradise, but remain here on earth in another incarnation. Yes, another incarnation, but not a bad one. One that is relatively similar to the way in which we live our lives today.

The List of Daily Karmatic Practices (or, Staying Out of Paradise in Less Than 10 Minutes a Day)

1) Be condescending to someone every single day.
You don't have to talk down to everyone mind you, just find a single person who is truly inferior.

2) Lie to your Grandmother.
Make a point to call your grandmother each day and tell outrageous lies. She won't really care. Chances are that she'll forget the whole conversation by the time that she goes to bed that night anyway. Make sure that the stories are extravagant to keep her attention!! Relay stories about how your dog swallowed the remote control and was leaking radio waves out of his butt which allowed the gray aliens to home in on the distress signal that you intended for Gary Coleman.

3) Think evil thoughts.
At least once per day, think a purely evil thought. Be sure not to act upon them however, as that would build up massive karma. The trick is to think it, but not do it. Consider this an exercise in mental self-restraint. For example, If you are angry with your neighbor, try picturing yourself drowning him/her in the shallow end of the birdbath. Tightly gripping their head as they gasp for much needed air. See, wasn't that nice? Just be sure not to act out on it.

4) Talk about someone behind their back.
Oh, c'mon...... do I really have to explain this one to you? You know you do it already anyway.

5) Rub your Buddha (If you know what I mean).
Rub it A LOT. Rub it well. Have someone else rub it for you if you can. I'm not sure if this will even build karma, but who really cares, right?

6) Covet, covet, covet.
If they have it, you need it.

7) Litter.
Always be sure to leave some small element of non-biodegradable material behind every day. Good littering material includes: aluminum gum wrappers, oily rags, beer bottles and the ultimate in non-biodegradable materials; styrofoam containers.

8) Scowl at small children.
This one is really easy. Simply make mean looking faces at other peoples children. Great places to do this includes grocery stores, shopping malls, and while driving through residential neighborhood. With enough practice, you may even be able to make really small children cry.

9) Don't shower until someone complains.
This one is pretty self explanatory. How do you spell bad karma? B - O - thats how.

10) Break a promise.
Thanks for lunch Sioux, I swear that I'll buy yours on Friday.

Does anyone know if they ever freed that Leonard guy? Not that I really give a damn, its just that I haven't seen anymore of those stupid "Free Leonard!" t-shirts or bumper stickers that proclaimed his innocence in quite some time.

Maybe he's free. Maybe he's dead. Maybe, just maybe nobody gives a rats ass anymore.

Do you ever wonder where those weird sayings that we have actually mean? It mystifies me as to where we derive some of them. Like, where did we get the saying "The proof is in the pudding"? No matter how you interpret that phrase, it seems disturbingly gross. Maybe I should invent one of those phrases but make sure that it relates to absolutely nothing whatsoever. That way, you'd only need a single phrase and could apply it to any situation that you wanted. Something that sounds cool but means nothing at all. I can see it now. I'd be at work and someone would try to one up me in a meeting.

Bill: "Hey Derek, why haven't you drafted that proposal yet?"

Me: "Well, you of all people should realize that its easy to hammer a nail in September, Bill."

Bill: "Oh, ....... Okay."

And then he'd shut up because he didn't want to look like a fool!

In our traditional family gathering, I went to my in-laws house tonight to watch the Super-Bowl with my father in-law and brother in-law. We always get together and drink a few brewskis, eat some snack and watch the commercials.........er... I mean the game. Unfortunately, this year the game sucked. I mean, I'm not even a big football fan and I was getting disgusted at the offense of both teams. I've seen better games at our local high school. At least when the kids do something stupid, you can brush it off as inexperience! If this year was any indication, I'll have to make sure that I drink a lot more beer in order to enjoy the game next year. I think that I've had more fun watching a potato bake.

Wednesday, February 2, 2005

Tomorrow I plan on releasing my very first "What the @#*! practical joke.The intention is to go around town and post a "Lost Pet - Reward" flyer that is commonly stapled to poles and pinned to bulletin boards. This one will be a little different however, as it seems a rather strange pet has been lost. I intend on posting at least 20 of these throughout the adjoining two counties, but am hoping that some of the readers of this blog will print out one or two and put them somewhere over this next week.

The number for "Irene" is an actual number for my unsuspecting friend Aaron. Shame on him for not reading this blog! Shame!!!

I truly wonder if these will even generate a single call. It'll be fun to find out!!! And even if they don't, I'm sure that it will get some good laughs out of people who see it. And thats what I try to do in life. Make people laugh. Oh, wait-a-minute. No I don't, I try to make money and have sex. Hey, what can I say? I'm a guy.

If you want to help me out, click here and print out a full-sized version of this flyer.

I'll be sure to post some pics if I get the chance to put the flyers up tomorrow.