I spotted this bizarre banner hanging in a church window today. Let me tell you, I have seen a lot
of Easter plays before in my life, but this is the first one where a singing Jesus levitates farm animals!

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I have heard on good authority that the "hands" found in Sigel may actually be bear paws. Poor, poor bear. I bet he has a hell of a time catching fish now.

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Late yesterday I felt this soreness on my face. It wasn't anything horrible, heck, it wasn't even as bad as a bee sting, but there was enough pain to be noticeable I felt my chin and the pain got worse. I new something was wrong. Chins don't hurt for no reason, after all. It wasn't until I looked in the mirror that I realized the full extent of what was going on inside my face. Apparently my body is attempting to birth a fully developed conjoined fetus from the center of my chin! There's no other plausible explanation. The lump is huge! Way too big to be a pimple, and who gets zits in their mid thirties anyway?

I'm not sure how large this child will be, but I will claim him as my own and name him Gregory! Yes, Gregory the chin baby. Born unto a world who did not understand nor love him. I shall raise him as my own and foster his development by reading him the works of Sartre and teaching him the proper use of grammar. Gregory the chin baby will be a pillar of society, destined for greatness, and loved by all.

Or maybe I'll just pop him in the mirror.

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Sorry to be gross, but this is too strange to pass up! Some workers got a shock when they found two severed hands in a small town near where I work. The hands were found at Deters Orchard in the town of Sigel (population of a mere 400 people). Police have no idea where the hands came from, how they got to be on that farm, or if they are even human.

I understand that people are shocked to find them and wonder where they came from. Me? Well, I'm puzzled as to why anyone would throw away a pair of perfectly good hands in the first place. But then, superfan John Schaljo pointed out that while the hands have five fingers, they have no thumbs.

No wonder someone tossed them away. What good are hands without opposable thumbs?!

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My diet seems to be going well. Although I lost most of my weight during the first few weeks, it is still slowly coming off. At least I'm still losing, right? I'd tell you the secret to my diet, but do you really want to be taking dietary advice from a 240 pound man?

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I was having lunch with Superfan John Schaljo at the park when I spotted this little scene in the gravel parking lot. It says so much about life and the contrast between young and old. Okay, so maybe not, but it was a cool shot anyway.?

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Tonight was our CCD/yellowbook reunion. For these of you who don't already know the whole messed up story, Yellowbook is the company who fired the entire company nearly two years ago. There were hundreds of us suddenly looking for jobs in our small town. Hundreds of unemployed people may not sound like much, but you have to consider that the town's population is only around 10,000. Anyway, I don't want to get into that whole discussion about those British SOB's who own the company right now. It was a business decision and luckily I have been able to land on my feet.

The reunion was a blast, but I only had the chance to stay for a few hours. Since her Majesty has asthma, she couldn't go with me to the bar where the reunion was held. So while I visited, she went shopping. I had told her that I would be ready to leave around 8pm (I got there at 6), but once everyone started showing up I wished that I could have stayed longer. Friends whom I hadn't seen in years were still arriving even as I left.

Oh well, life goes on.

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Two guys are looking at a magazine. One man shows the other an advertisement.

“What the heck is that?”

“It's electric tweezers.”

“Damn. It looks like it would tear the hair right out! Women are crazy.”

“Yeah, it looks painful.”

“I don't understand why they do that to themselves. It's not like we wouldn't f#@k them anyway.”

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I'm sitting here in the park on my lunch hour. It's still a bit chilly outside and no children are around. Right now I am watching a police K9 unit chase tennis balls and retrieve them. I snicker a bit because to the looks of me, its not the dog that needs the exercise.

Just in case any of you readers are people who I used to work with at CCD, I wanted to announce that we are having a big reunion on Saturday the 18th at the Midway. The get together starts at 6:30. It sounds like a whole lot of people are planning to attend, so it should be quite a time.
You may know that some of the core friends and I get together for dinner bi-monthly just to keep in touch, but this one on the 18th is a much bigger event. Whereas our bi-monthly dinner usually consists of 6 people, this one might include the entire company, over 100 people!

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I really don't have a whole lot going on right now. My life is pretty bland. I keep thinking over and over that I need to get off my ass and start remodelling our bathroom. It'll be an arduous undertaking because I will have to shim one of the walls nearly an inch to make it square. If I could ever get started on it, I think that it would move along. its just the getting started that is the mountain that I have to conquer.Part of my apprehention is that even after working on the house for years, I still doubt my construction abilities. I'm no carpenter. I don't even play one on tv. I trust my wood working skills about as much as I'd trust Marlon Brando with a plate of cookies.

But I need to finish the room sometime. It's filthy from all of the remodelling because we use the sink to clean all of the brushes from woirking on the other room. The girls call it "the Boys Room" because niether of them want to go near it. It reminds them of a dingy gas station bathroom. The truth is, it has become more of a storage area than a functioning bathroom. It's full of rubbermaid tubs, Drywall mud, gallons of paint, plaster, and god knows what else. It's basically a closet with a toilet.

But with a new sink, a straightened wall, some panelling, a new vinyl floor, and an exhaust fan, it could be nice. Sounds like a lot of work....

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Yesterday it was brought to my attention that a plan was being developed without my knowlege. Apparently, my sister-in-law and her new born baby are planning to fly here from Idaho this summer. It'll be a nice visit since none of us have been able to travel there and see the baby. Both Her Majesty and The Brat are really looking forward to the visit. Since the baby arrived, they have been talking alot on the telephone and have grown closer than they were before. So that is the awesome part.

The part that I have a problem with is that I was told that The Brat is wanting to travel back to Idaho with them by car. Its a 24 hour drive and that makes me nervous enough. Especially knowing that the kids will have to be alone in the car everytime they stop for gas, brathroom brakes, etc. So, no, I am definitely not thrilled about that. But the part that disturbs me the most is that The Brat would fly home two weeks later - alone.

I know, I know. Thousands of children fly alone each day and I have never heard of anything bad happening to them on the news or otherwise. But those are other peoples' kids. and I am talking about MY kid.The fact that she has never flown before notwithstanding, it still makes me nervous as hell. What if there were a layover, of she missed her flight. What if she gets lost in the airport and no one is there to help her? I mean, this is the same kid that we don't allow to walk across town alone, and I am supposed to be okay with her flying across the country. Am I being overprotective? I don't know.

Sitting at the table. The Brat has just told us an obvious lie about what happened to her at school in an attempt to get us worked up. She knows how to do it.... She’s good at it. And she LOVES doing it.

Her Majesty: "Um.... That’s not true! Don’t lie to us! You know where liars go don’t you?!”
The Brat: "Yep, Vegas."

We had a mini family outing on Saturday. We've both been so busy lately with our jobs and have been spending most of our free time with our grandmothers. Her grandma just moved back and its the first time she has been home since Her Majesty's grandfather has passed away. My grandma has been in the hospital with pneumonia for the past week. Needless to say, we needed some time away from home and family.

We went to the matinee and watched that new scifi/action movie called "Ultra-Violet." The girls weren't too thrilled with it. As a matter of fact, The Brat said that it was "a waste of two hours of her life." -- harsh critic for a 13 year old. I of course, loved it. Any movie that has explosions, vampires, or Mila Jovovch in tight clothes is a winner in my book. And "Ultra Violet" had all three!!!!

But aside from the movie, we went shopping and The Brat got some new curtains and a bedspread. They are solid black of course, as she is going through her punk-rock "dark period" of life. Her room is bright lavender and has a fairly border that goes around the entire room. She threw a fit to get it five years ago. She just HAD to have purple walls. But she's a teenager now, and the room is undergoing a drastic change. The baby dolls and stuffed animals have been packed away and replaced with makeup bags and electric guitars. The Jesse McCarney posters have succumb to the more powerful posters of My Chemical Romance, Good Charlotte, and Green Day. Goodbye soft flitting fairies, hello lords of f@#king darkness. She's even lobbying us for black walls, but we have to draw the line somewhere...

Response to March 2 post

Pissed-Off Letters, we get letters........

This just in from the Amazing Poe. And guess what? It's even more heated than the letter he refers to!

Usually when I write in I have a funny little quip about your posts, but this one just chaps my ass. Don't get me wrong I'm not pissed at you, I'm pissed at the sorry excuse for a person who wrote that letter. Why am I so pissed you ask? Because people like this are allowed to reproduce. I believe in God but I do not believe in a vengeful god. The people who believe that god will smite them are the same people who take the bible as fact. Oh, now you've don't it, you got me started on the bible. If the stories in the bible were fact, then the rest of human science has some explaining to do. I believe the bible was a book of fables meant to teach people right from wrong. Do I believe that people should be good? Yes. Do I believe that if we aren't good then God would flood the world to kill all the non-believers? NO. Now I'm by no means saying that nothing in the bible ever happened, but I cant stand the people who tell me that if I don't believe in the bible word for word them I'm going to spend eternity suffering in my own personal hell (which for me would be a small room with no air-conditioning and the Milkshake song playing over and over). I guess what I'm saying is live and let live. If you believe that you must worship your god every Sunday, then do it, if you believe you must pray multiple time a day while facing Mecca, then do it, and if you believe that God is Mother Nature, and to worship her you must dance naked in the rain during a full moon. Then do it (if your church is full of hot chicks I might even come “worship” with you). But what ever you believe SHUT THE F@#K UP about it. Unless I ask you about your religion don't tell me about it, and for God’s sake don't show up at my door asking of I have found Jesus! Like I said before I believe in God, I just don't believe in a petty spiteful God who kills people when it suits him. And if I'm wrong Ill know it soon after writing this letter.

Tune in next time folks when I tell you why people who use the phrase Melting Pot really piss me off.

- Poe

Okay Poe -- I can clearly see that you are upset. As well you should be, because I am the sorry excuse for a person who wrote that letter and just to let you know, I plan to continue reproducing (or practice producing at least)! I think you missed the whole point of the chain letter. It was written as a joke response to be sent the zealots who continually forward these things. I wrote it specifically to anger them and to get their blood boiling as the story speaks of an angry God. A vengeful, pissed off God who's ready to kick some heathen ass! This ain't your daddy's Christianity here, boy!!! It was a joke to inspire an "Oh, my God (literally) reaction from the zealots. Sorry for the misunderstanding, dude. Now, can I please start reproducing again?

Thursday March 2, 2006

The most horrible chain letter ever written!

WARNING: Good, religious people of Earth.... This post may offend you.

There are a lot of things that I do not like about the internet. Viruses and spam are bothersome, but the bane of my existence is the chain letter. The digital age has made it so easy for us to send these letters that hardly a day goes by that one doesn't end up in my mailbox. Why do people continually send these on? Is anyone actually so naive that they believe in them? Are they actually afraid that breaking the chain will bring some sort of bad fortune?

Its ridiculous! Sometimes you get them and have to read a few paragraphs before you realize that it is a chain-letter! Well, it's time to put an end to these letters, and I've always heard that you should fight fire with fire! The chain letter below starts out like nearly all of the other, but has a deviously disturbing ending. If M. Night Shyamalan were to write a chain letter, this would be it! So the next time a "friend" passes a chain letter to you, paste the letter below into an email and send it back!

WARNING: This is your second damn warning! If this offends you, then I will not take the blame for it.

----- Original Message -----
From: Rodney <mailto:kobeyrod@framed.net>
To:benhimkeka@moohee.com ; fkjones@allison.org ; alleycatz@jenson.org ; kbonnet@keeferprinting.net ; gregandjanet@redlight.org ; jttuber@blacklite.net ; baileyfarm@htctelephone.com ; ericanoland@robey.org ; draxx@longhorn.com ; suegomez@partyline.com ; turtleboy9@yahoo.com ; dr.crampy@wkcommunications.com ; pnut@dreammachine.org ; chipzahoy@keebler.com ; terminal@bcrjegdkhvhyejz.com ; pg4me@mkblvd.org ; minniecan@hotmail.com ; drella@barkerverse.org ; djsmith@rodgers.net ; cornhusker@hotmail.com ; alicej@westbendhome.net ; gogators58@gmail.com ; amishnomore@advanceweb.org ; ronaldocortez@cortez.org ; pimpmyride43@mtv.com ; papasmurf4ever@cyder.com ; dawnanddrew@showbiz.com ; madhatter@cornell.edu ; revereddbaker@flaxweb.com ; ruahoakser@digitalphilanthrophy.net

Subject: Miracles can happen

This is a true story about Melinda Wilson, the executive producer of the television show "Touched By An Angel." It was the summer of 1999 and the fields were green and beautiful in thr town of Loretto, WV. Melinda was traveling through the West Virginia countryside with her 12 year old granddaughter, Emma. They had been together for nearly three weeks, spending some rare quality time during "Touched by An Angel's" off season. The original plan was to fly Emma home, but they were having such a great time, that Melinda decided to bring her home by car. It was an adventure that they looked forward to, and they had a GREAT time. Although she loved her granddaughter dearly, Melinda was concerned about the way that she was being raised. Melinda's daughter was raised be a good Christian, but she had drifted away from her faith during her college years. Melinda was worried that her granddaughter had never found Christ, so she began relaying stories of Jesus while on the trip.

Emma enjoyed learning all about the lessons of Jesus, and her young mind soaked in all that her grandmother told her. She knew of the Lord's love and mercy, and how he sacrificed himself for our sins. They were nearly home now. The dark country roads were obscured by thick fog. Even as they approached within 100 miles of their destination, a group of deer ran in front of the car. Melinda locked up her brakes as the car skidded out of control, tumbling violently down the side of a deep ravine.

The next time Melinda woke up, she was in the hospital. Her daughter and Emma stood by her bed, holding a bouquet of flowers for her. She had little memory of what happened. She remembered the deer, and tumbling down the hill. She remembered the pain of the door being crushed onto her leg as the car rolled. She remembered the screams of her granddaughter as flame began to engulf the car. But she remember nothing else.

Melinda asked the nurses for the name of the person who rescued them from the blazing inferno. She wanted to thank them for saving the life of her granddaughter and herself, but the nurses just gave her a smile without answering.

"They found you two on the side of the road, Mom." Her daughter spoke shakily " They don't understand how either of you could have been thrown from the car and land on top of the ravine."

Little Emma took her grandmother by her hand and leaned towards her ear. "It was Jesus, Grandma, I saw Jesus come and save us. He carried us up the hill and told me that his flock had not been lost."

Send this letter to forty friends within 2 minutes and you too will be surrounded by angels of God. If you don't love God enough to send this on, you will have denounced the Lord and will be attacked by demons from the fiery pits of hell.

Alina Silverman ignored this letter and was burned alive along with her children in a tragic house fire! Greg Burke also ignored this email and had a nervous breakdown, killing everyone in his office, and himself. His soul will burn in hell for all eternity. So if you are a god fearing person, who doesn't want to spend eternity burning in hell alongside your heathen brethren, be sure to pass this along now. Your eternal soul depends on it.

God Bless!

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Wednesday March 1, 2006

February search results are in!

Yep, it's time once again to see the freakish searches that directed people to my site. Proving once again that google is the devil and yahoo is it's little demonly cohort .

Searches that brought people to my website in February.

02-01-06: From: search.msn.com: rendering bottiglia
02-01-06: From: google: Dinky Winky
02-01-06: From: google: Necessity of Visiting Forces Agreement in the Philippines
02-01-06: From: google: lonely mothers
02-01-06: From: google: hamburger meat sculptures
02-01-06: From: google: gene simmons circa 1977
02-01-06: From: google.co.uk: meat innuendos
02-01-06: From: google.com: removing super glue off leather car seats
02-01-06: From: google: sharpie warning pages
02-01-06: From: google: wont clog pores
02-02-06: From: google: highlighter in a bottle
02-03-06: From: google: official bookshelf instructions make your own
02-03-06: From: google.co.kr: rosanne bar
02-03-06: From: google: kryptonian naming convention
02-03-06: From: google: clever marine nerd costume
02-03-06: From: google: create your face by detail
02-03-06: From: google: I have rectal discharge
02-04-06: From: xomcast.net websearch: merideth birney baxter photos
02-05-06: From: google: glue gun prop
02-06-06: From: google: stuff to put in glass jars
02-06-06: From: google: meaning of the word hiatus
02-06-06: From: google: build your own head
02-07-06: From: search.msn.com: creative ideas for all about me projects
02-08-06: From: google: carrots in your anus
02-08-06: From: google: giant terrorist arrows
02-08-06: From: google: puppy picture with creepy eyes
02-08-06: From: google: rectal discharge picture
02-08-06: From: google: aluminum hat repel alien waves
02-10-06: From: google: make your hair look cool
02-10-06: From: google: hgtv reno application
02-10-06: From: google: instructions on making jar lights
02-13-06: From: google: great chicken
02-13-06: From: google: Dating requirements
02-13-06: From: google.gr: blog "beach party" prepare
02-15-06: From: google: personal facts aristotle
02-15-06: From: google: sasquatch in illinois?
02-16-06: From: searchmsn.com: wyona ryder=stealing
02-16-06: From: google: personal facts aristotle
02-16-06: From google.co.uk/: instructions to make paper stuff
02-16-06: From google: coffee recommended dose
02-16-06: From google: planarian cartoon
02-16-06: From google: what to do about an infected picked at scab
02-16-06: From google: photo of rene dahinden
02-17-06: From google: who goosed the moose
02-16-06: From google: how to crash a pop can on your forehead
02-16-06: From yahoo: voodoo curse bird cross
02-20-06: From: yahoo: eyeball sticker
02-21-06: From: search.msn.nl: chicken little desktop teams
02-21-06: From: google: mutant hair
02-21-06: From: google: buy lucky leprechaun figure 12 inchs tall
02-21-06: From: yahoo: EFFINGHAM ILL. PORN
02-21-06: From: google: merideth baxter birney
02-20-06: From: google: crazy glue glass accident
02-24-06: From: yahoo: cool looking spiders .
02-24-06: From: google: fruition anus
02-27-06: From: yahoo: www.google.com BIG ASS ADVENTURE
02-27-06: From: google.co.nz: Super cool stuff that zane doesnt like
02-28-06: From: google: awesome questionnaires
02-28-06: From: google: dentist haliburton
02-28-06: From: google: cool dead head stuff
02-28-06: From: google: scraps the zombie

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