Friday, April 29, 2005

Seen and noted during my lunch hour.

Nothing screams sicko like a bunch of hookers wrapped in black plastic sheeting. Sounds like a scene from CSI or something.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

WOW! This site is really taken off! After checking my stat counter, I found that I have had nearly 300 hit today! that has to be my personal record so far. Whoa! Do you hear that?! That, my friends, is the sound of my ego swelling!

Monday, April 25, 2005

MORE NEW STUFF!!! See, I told you there would be more crap coming down the pipeline.

Who'd Get a Kidney: Are you a friend or coworker of mine? Check here and see if you rate one of my internal organs.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

NEW STUFF!!! I know, I haven't been updating for quite a while! Hopefully I will be able to get back in the swing of things.

Click here to check out my new article about the most creepy direct mail that I have ever gotten.

Click here to check out my new webcam gallery!!!

Friday, April 22, 2005

I took the day off from work today for some much needed R&R. It was nice to spend some quality time with myself for a change! I went fishing at this secret "Posted: No Fishing" pond and snapped this shot of the railroad tracks while I was there.

Yep, they just stop right there! I suppose you could say that I had reached the end of the line.

On a completely unrelated note, I've been getting some email feedback from readers, which for the most part is really cool. Here are some excerpts from emails containing recent comments about my site:

Absolutely MAD-FUN stuff. right up there with Howie Mandell, Julia Childs, and Kofi Annan (wait... Julia is dead!). - Thanks Dan!

I was setting here drinking beer thinking about passing out and then I saw a link I had saved for your site (between "teethless hoes turning tricks" and "I corn holed your mama" saved sites). I am really impressed with your web site. I enjoy the engaging personal approach. - Thanks Ernie, you freak!

The faux fur article isn't funny. You are sick. - Thanks Jill, you oversensitive twit.

Have a comment? Let me know what you think by contacting me here!

Thursday, April 21, 2005

I helped a gal out today at work and she said, and I quote: "Thanks Derek. You’re a real peach."

It wasn’t until later that I questioned the statement. Did she mean that as a compliment, or was she telling me that I am all round and fuzzy?!

I’m taking tomorrow off! It will be the first day that I have taken off from work since last July. I don’t have any big plans or anything. What I intend to do is drive to a secluded pond, taking with me a radio, sandwiches, three fishing poles and a 12pack of beer. Then I’ll just relax and fish. If the fish aren't biting, I’ll just sit back and listen to the radio and enjoy the solitude. But……its supposed to thunderstorm tomorrow and the temperature is going to drop from the high seventies to the low fifties. Do you understand how my life works now?!

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

My friend Lisa has been developing a weblog and photo galleries on her site. Check it out if you have time!

I inquired as to why Lisa was sniffing Courtney's butt and was told that "Its just what she does."

Monday, April 18, 2005

This has been a horrible day!!!! If I had the time, I would have gone by the pound today, just to pick out a puppy to kick! Just kidding!!!!! I like puppies, so get off my ass.

I even have two of them. Uh.......puppies that is, not asses.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Okay, so we didn't get the mother of all storms today like I was expecting. But geez.... look how nasty it looked out the window where I work! That's how it really looked out there! I didn't alter the color or anything, as a matter of fact, you can see all kinds of reflections of my office if you look close enough!

How about a rainy day poem?

Where is the unwavering ray of light
waging relentless war to stretch
from Bifrost unto the beaten earth?

When will it bathe that sunken form,
that shell of a human soul
in its spectrum of golden warmth?

An anguished sob as a tear
blends with rain when
the light was meant for another.

Monday, April 11, 2005

I drive by this Lawn Dragon every day on my way to and from work. I think it is made of old lumber saw-blades!

I don't know who's house it is, but there are two of these dragons swimming through their yard. I just think that this is a really cool lawn ornament!

I wonder if they feed them with garden gnomes???

Sunday, April 10, 2005

More sample interview questions for my friend Timay, who is interviewing for a graphic design position. These aren't from me however, they were written by Fred, the copywriter from where I work. Good luck Tim, I hope these help prepare you for the interview!

Please submit one sample of an original design. You can choose any subject, but you must use only black ink, on black paper. Be prepared to explain why your black on black design is better than a sheet of plain black paper.

I like to design in the nude. Would this offend you? Would this excite you?

If I wanted you to design in the nude, would it offend you? Would this excite you?

Would you consider painting my house an exciting design challenge?

If forced to choose, would you prefer to come to work late in the morning or leave early in the afternoon?

What is the hardest design challenge you ever faced and how did you get out of doing it?

What are your three favorite excuses for missing a deadline?

Saturday, April 9, 2005

We went to a charity basketball game tonight at the High school and watched the Sheriff Department vs. our local Police Department. The cool thing was that my "little" brother Kaleb actually got deputized by the Sheriff so that he could play on the team. I shouldn't call him "little", he may be younger than me (he's a sophomore in High-school) but he towers above me in height. I'm about 5' 10" and I think he's around 6' 4" so far.

It was a fun game to watch! Kaleb blocked smacked down A LOT of their shots. He's a pretty smooth ball player. The Sheriff's Department ended up with the win by about 10 points or so.

Friday, April 8, 2005

Today was truly a day of mixed blessings. I suppose an optimist would say that it was a grand day, but no one ever accused me of being an optimist. I should relate the good events before I wallow in pity, however.

Sioux and I went to lunch at a new coffee-house in Effingham. It was a truly artsy-fartsy restaurant, complete with drawings on the walls, fancy "faux-paper" lamps, over crowded, noisy people, and decent food. I was truly waiting for Joey and Chandler to walk in.

I ordered the turkey and swiss with a coke while Sioux (being the brave soul that she is) requested something a little more exotic that appeared to be a sandwich stuffed between two giant dog biscuits. She also ordered a glass of tea that frighteningly resembled a large cup of urine.

But you can't always go by looks, can you? Case in point; anything from Taco Bell. Taco Bell's food is absolutely delicious, but everything on their menu looks like something that the dog may have coughed up in the corner.

While we were standing in line, we saw our ol' friend Liz. Liz, for those of you who don't know, recently married Eric Greenwood (or as some call him; the Anti-Derek). She has gotten a new job and seems really happy about it, but then again, she may just be ampped up on coffee too. It was good to see her and we talked for a little while. She mentioned that they check out this site every once in a while so..... Eric, I AM going to stop by some night to visit. Really! I swear!

If one were to end the story here, it would seem that my day was quite pleasant. I mean, I ate at a new restaurant with my bestest buddy and ran into another of my close friends. Oh, but no. That wasn't the end of my day. No sir, the day was fraught with PAIN. Pain like no man should have to experience! Pain brought upon me by the evil, evil, evil Ralph Lauren.

That's right, Ralph Lauren is a bastard! You see, I have this really nice t-shirt that I can wear to work on casual Fridays. Her Majesty bought it for me and I like it, but I curse myself every time I wear it. The logo says "CHAPS", which is a fitting description for this shirt. Although chaps, ....as a verb.

The logo would be more accurate if it said "Ralph Lauren NIPPLE SHREDDER" because the damn seams are like cheese graters for your nipples!

Check out the detailed photo showing the strategically placed seams that are apparently sewn with razor wire. By the end of the workday I felt like I had just survived some kind of Chinese torture.

I pictured it like this: The Chinese officer removes the bamboo splinters from underneath my toenails, frustrated because I won't give them any information. "Very well, Mr. Greenwood. You are strong willed!" He would look at the ninja soldier beside him and say: "Very well, you leave me no choice! Shiro, bring me the nipple ripping shirt!"

At which point I would scream "Noooooooo!!!!!!!" and somehow find a way to commit suicide while tied to a chair.

Thursday, April 7, 2005

Overheard at Lunch:

Three guys and a girl sitting around talking. One speaks up and says: “It doesn't really matter what they look like right? I mean, once the lights get low enough its all the same anyway, right?”

Wednesday, April 6, 2005 - 12:30am

I just noticed something bizarre! My phone number is 662-6403 and if you go by the letters for each number on the telephone, it spells "MOAN GOD". (If you make the zero an "O", since there is no letter for zero).

Tuesday, April 5, 2005 - 1:00am

A friend of mine named Tim is applying for a graphic design position where I work. He's interned there for several years and is a cinch to get the job. But even though he has been there before, he has to go through the interviewing process in order to negotiate his contract. I was thinking of some tough interview questions for him to practice on before he goes out for the real one. Here are a few:

Where did you see yourself three years ago?

Hypothetically speaking; If you had to eat Scrappy Doo and one member from the cast of Saved by the Bell, who would it be?

Which piece in your portfolio did you copy from something that you saw in a magazine? (Juuuuuuuust kiddin' Timmay!)

What kind of pressures do you see yourself putting me through if you get this position?

Who among you will not kneel before the power of Zod?

Exactly where were you last Tuesday at 8:30pm? Why not?

This position requires a great attention to detail. What detail do you think that you will have the most trouble paying attention to?

How do you intend on keeping me happy?

(2 parts:) I like to eat lunch at restaurants. How often do you think I should do that? Do you think I should eat Chinese more than Mexican?

What do you consider is your least weakest area? What is your weakest strength? Why do you feel that way?

Why are you the best candidate for this job? Elaborate in sentences without using the letter "E".

Good Luck Tim!

Monday, April 4, 2005

Hey, have you ever thought about how the meanings of words can be twisted just by the association that they get from other words? I mean, some words sound absolutely filthy even though they aren't. Now, I'm not talking about words like pussy willow, or cock-fight, those are compound words that are formed using a slang term. No, the words that I'm talking about are guilty by association. Word that are assumed to be nasty even if they aren't meant to be.

Don't believe that it happens? Then try to use the word "engorged" in casual conversation today and see what kind of looks you get!

Sunday, April 3, 2005

If anything will bring about the demise of this weblog, it will be Jax and Daxter! Who, you ask? Well, Jax is a pointy eared little guy and daxter is his little smart-mouthed anthropomorphic friend.

Actually, I shouldn't put all of the blame on them. I suppose the blame should be on me for finally breaking down and buying a Playstation 2. I love that damn little plastic gaming system. It will be the downfall of all of the productivity in my life.

If you ask me, the Sony Playstation will be the downfall of all mankind.....

Saturday, April 2, 2005

Wanna' Take A Ride In The Love Machine Baby?!

While driving home this evening from my in-laws, I got behind a slow moving Pontiac Van. It was after dinner and dark outside and I noticed a greenish haze glowing in the back window of the van. As I drew near, it became evident that it was one of those fancy-schmancy vans with the built in DVD players. I always thought that it would be cool to have one of those in the car! That way The Brat could chill out and watch TV while me and Her Majesty drove in peace and quiet. But as I caught up with the creeping vehicle, I discovered exactly what they were watching in the backseat, and it wasn't a cartoon!

I'm just guessing here, but I don't think that the passengers realized that you could see the screen through the tinted windshield at night. Otherwise they probably wouldn't have been watching a porno while driving into town. Somebody in that van must have been "getting busy." Once I noticed what it was, I had to ride closely behind to make sure that I was correct, and this wasn't a figment of my imagination! Nope! They don't do THAT in commercials, especially THERE!

Luck illy, I was able to maintain a close distance behind them so that no other cars (possibly containing someone under the age of 18) would be exposed to that kind of pervasive filth! I ended up following ---- er, staying behind them until they drove halfway through town and turned off (or maybe turned on, if you know what I mean....) Someone who I related this story to asked my why I didn't write down the plates and call the cops. Well, I didn't ever get a good look at the plates! It was dark, after all!

Monday, April 1, 2005

My best friend Sioux has been sick from work for the past two days and it sucks! I'm such a pansy! Wah, wah, wah! It just goes to show you how big of a role that your friends can play in your life.