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Sunday May 28, 2006
We went and watched the new X-men movie and thought it was pretty good. There were a lot more characters in this one and it was more action packed than the first two movies. The only thing that I didn't like was how Jean kills Scott and Professor X and then is in turn, killed by Wolverine in the end. Awwwwwwwww DANG! I spoiled the whole movie again, didn't I?! BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!
On the way back from the movies we stopped and caught a rare glimpse of the Giant Rooster which guards the inner perimeter of some guys yard. look as The Brat flees for he life from the mechanical behemoth!
Also, just to clarify something for all of you readers who emailed me about the May 26 post: No, I didn't really have to go to the hospital because I jammed Lando Calrissian up my ass. It was a joke. Ol' Lando fell out of my butt all by himself after a few days.
Juuuuuust kidding.
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Sunday May 28, 2006
Letters, we get letters........
An excert from an email about the May 23 post from my bestest buddy Sioux:
"I know it's not going to be easy to say goodbye, but our friendship is one of those that we don't have to say goodbye to. It will last and last just like a bad case of herpes!"
Have a nice weekend...
Sioux "
Now do you see why I'm going to miss her so much?!
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Saturday May 27, 2006
As seen and noted on the way to work
I voted for President Bush and have no shame in admitting that I am a Republican, but when I got behind this vehicle on the way to work, I just HAD to get a shot of it..
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Friday May 26, 2006
That thing's operational!
We began playing a new game at work over the past week or so. It’s a little game that we have dubbed “Uncomfortable Silence.” It’s easy to play, all you have to do is interject something into a conversation that will stun the person or people who are talking with you.
Example:
Person One: “I had to go to the emergency room last night because my daughter had a high fever. It took forever for her to see a doctor!”
Person Two: “I know what you are saying! One time when I was a kid, my mom had to take me to the emergency room because I had stuck a Lando Calrissian action figure way up my ass!”
Person One: . . . . . . .
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Thursday May 25, 2006
Thunder and lightning
It stormed like crazy last night. I intended on working late, but got trapped in the building because it was so nasty out. Between the howling winds, tornado sirens, and lightning strikes, I decided that perhaps it would behoove me to stay inside and not venture home. I ended up working even later than I anticipated, but it was worth it because I saw something really cool! As I was looking out the window (yeah, I know shear brilliance, right?) I saw a huge bolt of lightning strike a passing car.
It was unlike anything that I had ever seen before. The air actually sizzled, and I saw a “ball of lightning”, more like an arc from a welder, strike the front of the van and remain there for a few seconds. It was wild!
The van pulled into the parking lot, the driver obviously driving a bit erratic. That’s when we discovered that the van belonged to one of our cleaning crew. She was noticeably shaken and told us that when it hit, her gauges went all haywire and the hair stood up on her arms.
That’s when we all decided that maybe it would be a good idea to wait the storm out.
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Tuesday May 23, 2006
Yesterday, my bestest friend Sioux put in her resignation at work. It's a sad time for me because Sioux and I have worked together for the better part of a decade now (Wow! A decade?!) and have become very close. It's not very common for weird people like me to find a friend who gets them, but somehow I have. Over the past seven years, I can only remember one time that I had ever been angry at her. That's a rarity indeed, as I tend to have quite the temper, or so I am told.
Sioux always gets my jokes, no matter how twisted, and always seems to be able to go one better when she wants to. Ours is a great friendship that I hope will carry on forever. So do I want her to leave? No. Am I happy for her? Hell yes, but I will miss seeing her everyday. But I have to put my personal greed aside (the greed that Her Majesty swears derives from my being an only child) because I realize that Sioux's career move is what is best for her and her family. This new position will allow her to spend more time with her son, and who could possibly blame a parent for wanting to spend more time with their children? I wish her all the best and hope that she knows that I (and everyone else who works with her) will miss her a lot.
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Monday May 22, 2006
"Really? I don't smell anything."
I actually dragged my ass out of bed fairly easily today (although Her Majesty may disagree — I consider any day that I am not pelted with kicks or nudges from her to be “an easy morning.”) I took my shower, made the coffee and even left for work a bit early. But about a mile into my journey, I began to smell a faint whiff of something sour. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but it was foul none the less. Was it dogshit? It smelled like it. But why would my car smell like dogshit? HOW could my car smell like dogshit?
Then it hit me. I had been picking strawberries the night before at Her Majesty’s grandmothers, and she has a giant husky who roams the yard. Husky crap! That was the putrid scent that I was smelling! So I carefully removed my left shoe as I drove down the road, carefully fishing the shoe between my pant leg and the steering wheel. Nope, no remnants of canine fecal matter there! I worked the shoe back on, twisting my foot into it.
Then I tried to check the other shoe. Now this was going to be a little trickier because I had to maintain my speed since I was sandwiched between two semis. Sure enough, I could see the remaining doggie doo stuck deep within the crevices of my shoe. And since I was already en route, I went ahead and made my commute. I knew that I needed to buy some petro once I got to town, and decided that I could clean my shoe and pump at the same time. But when I pulled into the gas station, I realized that I had forgotten my wallet!
I didn't want to look like a fool at the station, scraping crap from my shoe and then driving off, so I once again drove off toward work. The smell of shit now fully overtaking my car's interior.
Once I got to work and thoroughly examined the underside of my shoe, I knew that it was going to be difficult to clean. The feces had dried and somehow solidified to what appeared to be petrified wood. I looked around for a stick to scrape the rock solid crap from my shoe. Nothing! With no sticks in the area, I was forced to look elsewhere. What did I have that could remove hardened crap? A frantic search soon revealed my only option...... a spoon that I had in my dash from a previous lunch.
So as I dug at the crap with the glistening spoon, it became apparent that this must have been Super-Dog, because the shit actually hung on, despite my frantic scraping. Faced with this new dilemma, ingenuity came into play. I opened my trunk and removed a spray bottle of Armor All. I doused the smelly shoe with Armor All and began scraping the shoe clean. The powerful combination of Silver and interior cleaner began to wear away at the feces, until it was clean once again.
Even though the shoe appeared clean, I still noticed a lingering smell of dog crap. So I decided to let it be, if anyone around me noticed it, I would pretend that I didn't smell it and quietly giggle to myself.
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Saturday May 20, 2006
Say Cheese!
The entire family made a trip to my friend Lisa Tebbe's studio to have a portrait taken. We made a conscious decision to not dress up and to wear our normal, everyday clothes. After all, how many times have any of my family or friends seen me in a suit. It's a rarity indeed. We did want something nice however, since we haven't had a portrait taken in nearly a decade. We had a blast! Her Majesty also got a reconfirmation that my friends are weirdo's, a fact that she reminds me of regularly. I'll be sure and post some of the photos once we have them, because Lisa has an unconventional way to finish her photographs. (Click here to see what I mean.) She has a knack for capturing the personalities of her subjects, and I can't wait to see how they turn out.
As an added bonus, my bestest buddy Sioux and her family came also. And after the photo sessions, we partook in festivities involving Aeon Flux, pizza, and beer. Does it get any better? My family, friends, and pizza all in one place.
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Friday May 19, 2006
I found a really cool site that i just have to pass on. Dave Devrie is an artist who began the Monster engine, his name for the niche artwork that he discovered. His paintings are often grotesque and somewhat disturbing, but the amazing element in these surrealistic paintings is that they are all based upon children's drawings.
Dave collects crayon drawings from small children and then paints them in his own style. His works bring a creepy, yet enticing visions which explore the vast creativity that exists in all children. Check his site out here.
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Wednesday May 17, 2006
Good Morning Father Moose
We Greenwoods are a strange bunch. I've always known that my life has been a little “different” than other peoples. But being different is what makes life fun. Those of you who know me may think that I can be rather eccentric in public. But rest assured, that when there is no one around to pass judgment, I really come out of my shell.
Case in point: This morning I was having a hard time getting the Brat out of bed. She sleeps like a rock. A rock on morphine, if you can imagine that. On days like this, no traditional method of waking her up will work.
So sometimes I have to resort with a non-traditional method. So I shot her in the foot with a bb-gun.
Just kidding. What I really did was announce to her that she would be awakened by the morning call of the great North American Moose.
So the entire time that I made my coffee and prepared my lunch, our house was filled with ungodly loud “MMRAGHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOs
and BAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHMWOWS!”
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As time continued on, the calls to became longer, and louder. Eventually I walked into her room bellowing the call of our mighty moose. I bent down, putting my forehead to her head and pushed her, like a father moose encouraging his newborn to walk. After a bit more nuzzling and a few more
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Tuesday May 16, 2006
I have a confession to make. I am a litterbug. While driving home today, I rolled down the window and threw out several old receipts that I had been carrying. It seemed innocent enough, returning paper to its place of origin. "Return to your families!" I thought as the paper wafted into the woods on the sides of the roads. Ah, to bring the existence of wood pulp full cycle. "Return to your home and be merry!"
But it wasn't that easy. Immediately after my hand threw out, er....liberated the paper, a great swell of guilt came over me. I became a litterbug. I polluted the earth, mother of all life. I soiled the uh, soil of our land. It was stupid white men like me that made that Indian cry in the seventies.
I remember being a child of the seventies, when it was socially acceptable to litter. Hell, back then you couldn't drive a mile without a stray soda can or paper bag blowing over into your path. Litter was everywhere, and we liked it that way. The world was my dumpster and I had lots of trash.
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But times change, as well as attitudes toward trashing the earth. Back then it wasn't such a horrible thing to litter. As a matter of fact, it was pretty cool. Now don't give me a bunch of shit over this, because I don't typically do this sort of stuff anymore. But as a child, I remember how much fun littering was. I used to play a game with the old-style Styrofoam cups. I would roll down my window and hold the cup outside by pinching the outer rim and seeing how long I could hold the cup before the wind caught it and tore it from my fingers.
So as a child, I remember fond memories of polluting the earth, until i was taught a severe lesson in the fourth grade. I can remember the exact instance when I learned that society frowned upon litter. My mother and I were riding in a car with one of her friends. My mother was a teacher, so most of her friends were also in the education field. Here's the equation: teachers = union. union = Democrats. Democrats = liberals. Liberals = environmentalist nuts. Am I saying that all liberals are environmentalist nuts? No. But I am saying that all environmentalist nuts are liberals.
Now the friend of my Mom's, who for the sake of anonymity I'll call Mary Elizabeth, was chatting away about teacher things. As they were gabbing, I innocently rolled down the window and released the smallest of tin-foil hamburger wrappers. It was a glorious sight to behold. It flitted behind her car with all of the beauty of a rainbow as it was reflecting the summer sun. What a vision of man-made beauty!
But the lady, Mary Elizabeth, took note of my crime and proceeded to rip into me with all of the savagery of a badger. I learned all about the evils of littering that day, and how my mother should have been publicly flogged and humiliated for allowing me to perpetrate such an unspeakable act.
Because of this verbal beating, even today I felt like a criminal. And technically, I guess the act of littering makes me one. But when you think about it, litter isn't going to destroy the world. Why do we think that throwing bits of trash outside is any worse for the earth than throwing it all into one massive dump. I mean, the earth doesn't know the difference, does it? Dumps don't mean that there is less environmental contamination, just that it is a much stronger centralized contamination. And while I could argue the specifics of litter all night, let me reassure you that I don't condone littering at all.
So yes, I did litter. And yes I did feel bad about it. But there was a small part of me, buried deep within my psyche, hidden so far down that I never new that it existed. Yes, from within this crevice of my brain, a young innocent boy shouted "Screw You, Mary Elizabeth."
So litter isn't really an environmental threat so much as a cosmetic one. Who wants to see McDonalds wrappers all over the place anyway? Well, I guess the litter could be used to gauge the success of each fast food chain in some sort of twisted way.
Marketing Executive: "Look Mr. Jones, our litter outnumbers Taco Bell fifty-to-one! Yessirree, there'll be Christmas bonuses next year."
Visit here and discover the many ways that you can you help fight pollution....
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Monday May 15, 2006 - evening
Letters, we get letters........
The following email comment was sent in regarding my untimely absence of posting.
"WHERE ARE YOU! It has been almost 4 days and we have not herd from you except that you are in a big city wandering around drunk. Where did you go!!! AHHHHHHHHH Lights hair on fire and runs around, What will I ever do without your clever antidotes and humorous Tales. Please come back!
-Avid Reader
-Dale
Sorry Dale. While I make every attempt at posting daily, sometimes my life becomes too hectic to work on my site. I always intend on doing daily updates, but sometimes it becomes a tough decision. "Hmmmmmm, do I update my blog, or take a shower? My friends will be upset either way." So I usually choose hygiene.
Dale's letter brought something to my attention. This Blog gets between 600 to 1,000 individual hits per day and I don't have that many friends. So if you are a regular reader, drop me a line and let me know where you are, who you are, and how you found my site. If any of you want me to promote your site, send me a link and I may post it on my links page.
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Monday May 15, 2006
A friend of mine, Lynne Donaldson received the crushing news of her son's death in the service of our country. While there are no words to ease the pain, I hope that her family realizes that his life was dedicated to helping all of humanity. I only hope that Lynne can find a bit of peace in this knowledge. The knowledge that her son was a warrior who gave the ultimate sacrifice to ensure that the freedoms we American enjoy will survive. I am proud of the young man, proud in a way that only one who has served in the military can. He is a true hero, and I hope that his family can find comfort in that.
Christopher's visitation is this Thursday. It will be emotionally difficult to attend, even though I had never met the young soldier. But I go in order to show respect for the man, and out of sympathy for his mother. She is truly a wonderful woman, strong woman. God Bless you Lynne.
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The following is the initial reports from the Effingham Daily News: (Click here to visit this article in it's entirety)
Effingham County lost its first soldier last week in the U.S.-led war on terror.
U.S. Army Warrant Officer 2nd Class Christopher Brian Donaldson, 28,was one of 10 soldiers killed Friday when their CH-47 helicopter crashed in a ravine during combat operations in eastern Afghanistan. Donaldson had been attached to the 10th Mountain Division, based in Fort Drum, New York. The Associated Press reported today the helicopter had been searching a mountainous area in Kunar province along the Afghan-Pakistani border when it crashed into the ravine.
The Army reported the fatal crash was not caused by hostile fire, adding the crash occurred near a mountaintop landing site during combat operations and is being investigated. The AP added about 2,500 U.S. and Afghan soldiers are engaged in a joint military campaign in Kunar. The Army has not officially released the names of those killed in the crash.
Donaldson, who would have been 29 on May 17, was a 1995 graduate of Effingham High School. His mother, Lynn Donaldson of Effingham, said her son joined the Army in 1997 and liked it so much he planned to be a career soldier.
“This is what he loved to do,” Mrs. Donaldson said. “He really enjoyed flying.”
Donaldson had trained to be a helicopter crewman, his mother said. But after initial exposure to the aircraft and becoming a crew chief, he decided he wanted to become a pilot. As a result of that decision, Mrs. Donaldson said, Chris decided to make the military his career.
“To be accepted as a pilot, he had to make a five-year commitment,” she said. “By the time that commitment ended, he had nearly 10 years in and was going to stay at least 20 years.”
Donaldson received his wings in 2004. His mother said at the time of his death, her son served as a co-pilot on a CH-47, but was nearing enough flying time to earn status as a chief pilot. Christopher Brian Donaldson was born May 17, 1977, the son of Bill and Lynn Donaldson. Mrs. Donaldson said Chris showed leadership ability at a young age.
“He was a go-getter,” she said.
Mrs. Donaldson said two Army officers notified her of the death at about 11:30 p.m. Saturday. She added family members would be meeting with another Army representative today to make arrangements for the transport of Chris’ body back to the United States.
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Sunday May 14, 2006
As it occurs to me....
I think that a lot of pirates must be homosexual. Especially since they are known for saying “Shiver me timbers!”
When one shivers, they shake. And timber is a form of wood. So those pirates are actually telling each other to “Shake their wood.”
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Saturday May 13, 2006
BLARM is a word that you've never heard before!
In my never ending quest to find decent podcasts, I discovered the antics of Canadian girl Dana (aka Wankergirl).
Her podcasts are highly entertaining yet sometimes for adults only. The formula for her shows follow a specific order.
B - beginning
L - likes
A - alarm
R - rude
M - misc.
What will you hear on BLARM? Well, here is a small sample of content that I have heard:
Her love letter to Lloyd Dobbler (John Cussack's character) from Say Anything, and why all guys should strive to become Lloyd.
Why she loves baths so much more than showers.
Her Terminator and Predator movie marathon with her boyfriend.
So check it out here if you are a grown-up, otherwise wait until you are 17.
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Friday May 12, 2006
When it rains....
Geez. It's amazing the synchronicity of design. It never ceases to amaze me how I can go months and months without a single freelance design project, and then they roll in like the Kennedy family at an open bar event. Within the past week, I have gotten work for three brochures, one DVD case and three websites. Yes, websites. I can make pretty and functional websites when I need to. But here on the Blackboard, I don't care so much about the looks because content is king.
Amen.
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Thursday May 11, 2006
As it occurs to me....
When you're alone in an unfamiliar city, walking around drunk in the middle of the night, it's good to be poor and ugly.
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Wednesday May 10, 2006
Do it like the Krishnas!
My boss just purchased an outstanding book for me while we were attending our conference. It's called "The Culting of Brands" by Douglas Atkin. To briefly summarize the book, it is a study comparing how brands with a cult like loyalty (such as Apple, Harley Davidson, and Saturn) develop such a following with their customers. But Atkin goes much farther than that. He studied the persuasive methods that actual cults use to grab a mind control on their members and shows ways in which a business can employ these methods to develop a cult-like brand loyalty with their customers. It's kind of eerie when you begin reading it, but there is nothing sinister about it. The book primarily explains how the exploitation of primal human urges can create devoted followers. Much of the book flies in the conventional wisdom of branding, but if branding is a part of your job, as in my case, this book will definitely make you reconsider what you thought that you knew.
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Tuesday May 9, 2006
After dinner, our group went out for a bit of after-dinner socializing at a trendy Chicago bar called The Redhead Piano Bar. It was truly a cool place to hang out. A clean yet smokey place where lounge singers belted out the crooning tunes of music god like Neil Diamond and Tony Bennett. You can check out a review of the bar here.
Four men are sitting in the bar and order drinks. When the waitress returns, she sits down a martini, two beers and a fruity pink concoction with a cherry inside. She gives each man their drinks.
"Here's your martini sir, and your beers gentlemen."
She then hands the other man the pink drink.
"And here's your drink Princess. Whenever you want to take your balls out of your purse and have a real drink like the rest of the men, just let me know, okay?"
I doubt that she got a tip.!
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Monday May 8, 2006 (really Tuesday May 9, 2006)
I'm writing all of these entries on the toilet at my hotel. It's after 12am and the guy that is rooming with me is a light sleeper. Apparently I snore like a banshee, so this is my attempt at letting the guy catch a few zzzz's before the ruckus erupts from my nose. I even purchased some of those nasal strips that help you breathe better, but to no avail. If I never post again, it will be because I was smothered by my roommate's pillow.
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Monday May 8, 2006
Country Mouse in the City
One thing that I hate about being in the city is the relentless barrage of bums that seem to come out at night. These street vermin accost you at nearly ever corner, in search of either a cigarette, money for "food", or a drink. It's amazing how many of these street people there are. Even as I stand outside of my hotel, I am disturbed. This is not a low-rent hotel, mind you, but one of the top hotels in Chicago, the Palmer Hilton. It doesn't take long for the security guard to shoo the vagrants away. He does it quite tactfully, referring to them as sir or ma’am, but he drives them off nonetheless. He told me that even though they hassle the customers, that "Some of them are still good people, such as the lady who has been stranded here from Indiana for two years."
It makes me think hard about how well off my family and friends really are. We don't have to worry about where our next meal will come from, or if we will survive through the night. It has never been so painfully real that some of those who are less fortunate than ourselves have to worry about such matters. Of course, I never have been strung out on crack cocaine either!
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Sunday May 7, 2006
I'm leaving on a jet plane!
Okay, so it was really just a twin engine turbo prop, but close enough. I left home today for the big city of Chicago. The company has send me to a business conference for three days. It should be a great time. There are a lot of things which I am interested in learning this week. Hopefully it will help give a boost to my industry knowledge. The only part which I am apprehensive about is the wining and dining which goes on. In a fairly simple man with simple tastes.
At the greenwood household, we dine at the table, but more often than not, it is an informal gathering. Our meals are ground meat, canned vegetables and soda. So when I am introduced to the world of calamari, fillet mignon, and a choice of wines, I fall flat. I felt like a caveman dining in a royal palace. Did I order an entree or a side dish? What is the difference? And how big of a fool do I appear to be? When you don't want to look like a fool in front of the waiter, you know that you are out of your element. I hope I do okay. And just for the record, calamari tastes kinda' like fried mushrooms. So if anyone else in my family gets the chance... eat some squid. It ain't half bad!
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Thursday May 4, 2006
Today was my friend Lisa's birthday and we celebrated by having pizza for lunch. It was eventful for a number of reasons! To begin with, today was the second day in a row that Sioux and I celebrated a birthday by eating at the same pizza place. Don't get me wrong, the pizza is fine, but two days in a row is a sacrifice that I hope Lisa appreciates! We wouldn't have yummy pizza two days in a row for just anybody!!!
In addition, we finally got to meet Lisa's friend Kim. I was glad to meet her and had looked forward to it for some time. It's amazing that we had never met before, especially since we share so many friends. It seems like everyone that I know has met her. So now I can be like "Yeah, I know Kim! She's the most amazing singer that I've ever heard! It's like a thousand angels are giving her their voices."
That's really an outright lie, because I have never actually heard Kim sing, but that's the most common thing that I hear from others when they speak of her. It's all hearsay for me right now because she didn't burst out into song when we met. (Maybe next time, Kim???) Anyway, I really liked her and she seemed to fit right in with our twisted little group.
I debated all night as to what would be a good gift for Lisa's birthday. And after much reflection, I came up with the image at the right. A hot chick licking an orangutan!!!! Yes, I imagine that Lisa now has the distinction of being the first person ever to be blessed with such a gift. Alright, so it isn't really that great of a present, but it will sound really cool at work.
Coworker: "Hi Lisa! How was your birthday? Did you get any cool gifts?"
Lisa: "Yeah, my mom baked me a cake, and my brother got me a new cd. Oh, and my friend made a really hot chick lick an orangutan for me......"
Coworker: ..........
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Wednesday May 3, 2006
Damn Destructive Kids!
I went to Walmart today to buy some supplies for a project at work. After picking up some wire, black cord and a can of clear coat, I walked to the checkout line. Once there, there was a distinct “beep” as the checker scanned my can of clear coat. I looked at the display and it read: “Is this customer over 18?” The checker hit the “yes” button and continued to scan my other items. She noticed my puzzled look and said:
“We have to validate the age for the paint.” she said matter of factly.
“Oh,” I replied “I didn't know we had a problem with vandals clear coating the bridges around town.”
She chuckled and took my money.
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Tuesday May 2, 2006
Letters, we get letters........
The following email comment was sent in regarding the photograph taken be my friend Lisa. The sender is actually the model used in the photo, Kim.
"That IS a friggin' awesome picture....Lisa Tebbe is an extremely talented artist/photographer. It was, and always is, an honor to work with her; especially since I didn't have to do a whole lot for the photo...although getting that skull just right took a little. But after the third try, I thought it turned out pretty good. By the way, nice to meet you, Derek! "
- Kim D.
Nice to meet you too, Kim! But, please don't swerve towards my car anymore.....
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Monday May 1, 2006
Such a slacker
Well, it's the first of the month and now is the time when I usually post a list of weird searches that have landed people on my website. But since I was really busy (i.e. lazy) last month, I didn't record them!
Deal.
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