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Thursday, December 28, 2006
I'm a veteran so get off of my back!!!
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Thursday, December 28, 2006
A little word-play
I'm no cunning linguist (or AM I???) but words in the English language never mean what they should. Oh sure, you can point out that they are based from the old Latin texts of yesteryear, but shouldn't words be based upon more modern interpretations? I think so. Take the word "fugitive" for example. The dictionary states that the word means:
1. a person who is fleeing, from prosecution, intolerable circumstances, etc.; a runaway: a fugitive from justice; a fugitive from a dictatorial regime.
But does that really make sense? See if you agree with me that the word should be based on a modern day interpretation.
Fugitive: "Fug" is derived from the slang term "fugly", which itself is a contraction for "f@#king ugly."
The second part of the word fugitive is the "it"." Of course "it" refers to a specific thing - the subject of the word.
The final portion of fugitive is the "ive." Which obviously is a contraction for " I have."
Therefore- both logic and my linguistic analysis tells us that the word "fugitive" should be defined as: "Something that I've made f@#king ugly."
Come on! Who's with me?!
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Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Included text in a SPAM email.
Reverend Ed sent me this in regards to some SPAM that he received:
Quoth the Reverend: .........those crazy spammers, they talk like gramma did right before she yelled Bingo and beat herself to death with a circus clown.........
<snip>
An imaginative sandwich is knowingly surly. When a defendant living with the mastadon starts reminiscing about lost glory, some crank case toward a freight train daydreams.
The linguistic ball bearing satiates the paper napkin.
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Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Theft again.
Remember earlier this month when I detailed how Her Majesty and I accidentally stole a cd from Wal-Mart? Well guess what?! It happened again. And this time we didn't just lift a lone cd, but we snagged two of them!!! Of course we took them back and paid for them after we discovered them. I mean who wants to go to prison over two discounted Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas albums anyway.
It all happened the same way. I was pushing the cart, put the cd's into the front basket, then later when Wendy took over pushing the cart, she sat her purse over top of the cd's. I really don't know why an alarm didn't go off either time though. Perhaps her purse has some sort of security blocking feature. If so, the manufacturers are missing out on a huge profit by not marketing them as "Shoplifting Bags."
Well, maybe it'd be pointless to sell them because your target audience would steal the bags outright in the first place. And to top it off, you'd never know because they inherently don't set off your security. Nevermind.
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Tuesday, December 25, 2006
Who loves ya' Jesus? We do!!!
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Sunday, December 24, 2006
On shaving my mug.
Electric razors pretty much suck. I've been using one off and on now for the past 5 years and I've never experienced this "close shave" that they are always touting about. While it does shave my mug, I've never been quite satisfied with them.
It may be different with one of those $150 high-end electric razors though, since all of my experiences are from razors that hover around the $40 price range. But I severely doubt it.
Maybe they should change their slogan to be a wee-bit more truthful. Instead of claiming that they "shave as close as a blade", maybe they should just say "shaves close enough for most work situations."
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Thursday, December 21, 2006
Busier than a beaver.
Well, it's been a long time coming, but I finally got the page built commemorating my old Marine Corps unit Hotel 3/12. It doesn't look like much, but between finding the old pictures, laying the damned thing out, and trying to contact people, it has taken a long time. My hopes are to get every ones names and photos indexed so that a simple google search will drive them to the page. Hopefully it will be a sort of hub to make it easier to locate old friends, or just to read up on what everyone has been up to. You can check the page out here, but remember that it is still a work in progress.
I've also updated my Adobe Illustrator class page. So if you want to see some of the student work, click here.
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Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Today's what the f@#* award goes to:
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Tuesday, December 19, 2006
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Thursday, December 14, 2006
Back in the day.
For nearly a decade I've been looking for some of friends that served in the Marine Corps with me. It sounds strange that four short years can give you a lifetime of memories.
Memories of visiting far off strange lands. The wonder of interacting with exotic and mysterious cultures. Memories of strolling down centuries old cobblestone streets, and then throwing up on them.
Okay, so I was young and stupid in those days. What I wouldn't give to be able to see all of those places now, as an adult. It would be amazing!
But the fact of the matter is, that I WAS young and stupid. And I DID do stupid things like see the world through a stupor.
I wasn't alone though, during those times I had a side-kick (or maybe it was the other way around) named Gut (short for Guthrie). Gut was nice enough to be the single guy who took the lame-o married guy along with him when he went out. He was one of the closest friends that I made while in the Corps.
But before Desert Storm, he was transferred out of our Battery and into a self propelled unit. After his transfer I rarely saw him. Once in a while we would bump into each other on base, but it became increasingly more difficult to just "hang out."
So after two years of friendship, we kind of just faded away and never spoke to each other again. Until today at lunch.
So I had some time to kill yesterday because of the final exam for my class and searched for gut online. I'd done it a dozen times before with no success, but I thought that I'd give it another shot. I knew what to expect, a multitude of people sharing the same name as my lost friend. Like I said, I'd tried it before and always gave up in frustration after about a half an hour or so.
But last night I had four hours to kill! After about two hours of digging through various free online searches, I had enough info to start looking for ways to eliminate the names. After narrowing the search down, I came to a lone solitary number that remained a possibility.
So today at lunch, I called the number and a nice lady confirmed that this was the “Gut” that I'd been looking for. She even gave me his cell-phone number, so I called him out of the blue. Boy was he in shock!!!
It was really good to speak to him again and catch up. I hope we can chat again and maybe even get together someday since they are only 4 or 5 hours away from us.
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Me and "Gut", back in the day! Yeah, the skinny guy in the blue is me, so shaddup already.
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Tuesday, December 12, 2006
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Monday, December 11, 2006
How to steal a cd from Wal-mart.
Okay, first let me say that this isn't really written to be a tutorial on how to lift merchandise from the retail superstore. But it is a true life account of how Wendy and I almost journeyed into the seedy underworld of shoplifters.
We'd went to Walmart the other day to try and tie up the loose ends of our Holiday shopping. We had to buy for several more people and thought that we could pick most of it up at Wal-mart. So we filled our cart with the goodies from our list. It wasn't a terribly complicated list, and was composed of both gifts and stuff that we needed for the house. A cd, some clothing, paper towels, etc.
But since our focus was on the holiday shopping, we shooped for the gifts first. Our first stop, the music section to get a country music cd for Her Majesty's grandma. We sat the cd in the front basket of the cart and went on.
It wasn't until we were unloading the cart into our car that we realized what had happened. Wendy lifted (no pun intended) her purse to find the cd resting neatly under it, concealed beneath the black leather.
We had just become criminals!!!
Not wanting to be hauled off to the hoosegow, Wendy went back inside and tried to explain what had happened, even as the old-lady door greeter tried to put a return sticker on the cd. Luckily for us, they thanked Wendy for her honesty and took our hard earned money after all.
Whew! Crisis avoided!
I didn't want to go to jail over some Willie Nelson wannabe, y'know. So if you want to go to jail, be sure to hide a bunch of cd's under your purse as you leave the store.
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Sunday, December 10, 2006
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Saturday, December 9, 2006
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Saturday, December 9, 2006
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Thursday, December 7, 2006
Keep your eye on the bell.
Just in case you are one of those people who live under a rock, let me fill you in:
Taco Meat + Ecoli = a bunch of sick people. I suppose that if you are gonna' get sick from ecoli, tat Taco bell would be just as good a place as any. You can't blame the resturant though, i'm sure that it stemms from something disgusting like a worker at the slaughterhouse taking a big dump and not washing his hands. Way to go Miguel!
But a little ecoli scare shouldn't worry anybody. I mean, look at all of the people who it hasn't killed. There are billions of us!
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Wednesday, December 6, 2006
I AM the Shocker!!!
Yes, I am the static man
It may be a fluke, but lately I've noticed a huge increase in the static electricity around me. It seems like every time I turn around I'm getting zapped!
I pet The Brat's cat. ZAP!!!
I get out of my car. ZAP!!!
I stand up from my desk at work. ZAP!!!
I fillet a donkey. ZAP!!!
Lick my neighbors windowsill. ZAP!!!
Rub vigorously against an ottoman. ZAP!!!
I just don't get it.
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Saturday, December 2, 2006
Baby Jesus loves shopaholics.
Wendy and I threw caution to the wind yesterday and went Christmas shopping. We had already taken the day off of work and decided that neither rain, snow sleet, nor hail would stop us from spending several hundreds of dollars. We were leery however, because we were supposed to get hit with the "Great Blizzard of 2006!!!" Somehow it managed to miss us even though it tromped all over the surrounding areas. Thousands upon thousands of people are still without power. I guess the Baby Jesus loves us more than the neighboring areas or something.
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Yesterday morning there was a grasshopper on my front steps. Why is that so strange? Because it's almost December and here in Illinois, that means it's damn cold. Actually we are having above average temperatures here lately. The past few days it has reached the upper 60's, amazingly out of the norm.
But a snowstorm is supposed to be coming soon, so the grasshopper is going to be in a world of hurt.
Stupid Grasshopper!
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