Saturday November 26, 2005

Sometimes you just have to say things...

Today we went shopping with my Mom and Step-Dad to find The Brat a pair of Etnies. For those of you who are out of touch with the skateboarding culture of today's youth, Etnies are THE must have shoe for any kid serious about skateboarding. Don't ask me why, but I bet it's because they have a hell of a marketing team. The shoes were being purchased for The Brat's birthday next month but since we didn't know what size to get, we purchased them today so that she could try the shoes on.

Unfortunately the store didn't have her size in the girls shoes, so we suggested seeing if they had a boys size that would fit. We were looking at the boys shoes trying to find out how they differed from the girls shoes. That's when my Step-Dad spoke up and I couldn't help but to say the first thing that came to my mind.

Step Dad: "So what's the difference between boys and girls?"

Me: "Boys have a penis."

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Friday November 25, 2005 - Evening

It was such a buffetful day!

I had two big meals today, and my workday was like a see-saw. Parts of it were awesome and I had a complete blast, and others were so friggin’ boring that watching my fingernails grow would have been more exciting.

I went to a Chinese Buffet for lunch with two of my best friends and had a fun time. They are both very close to me, one from a long time ago and one from the recent years. It was nice to see them both together in one place. The buffet wasn’t your standard “day after Thanksgiving” meal, but I had a fun time. Chewy eggrolls though! Like chompin’ down on a roll of rubber bands! But everything else was okay.

That is, until I got back to work and had to battle the effects of “after dinner drowsiness.” Luckilly I was able to beat back the sandman and get some work finished. It's weird, but Chinese food seems to make my brain work at half-speed, but it makes my stomach work overtime.

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Friday November 25, 2005

Why must everything around me be strange?

Her Majesty found this egg in a carton that she purchased to make devilled eggs. Neither of us have ever seen anything like the deformed horror that she found. We were afraid to crack the egg, lest we unwittingly release some new and unknown horror upon the world.

I tried to take some shots from every angle, but there were just too many weird markings to shoot. The damn thing just looked downright creepy to me! Have any of you guys ever gotten an egg like this? What if it hatches out to be a basilisk, or a deformed chicken with psychic powers, or worse yet: some twisted descendant of Gary Oldman?!

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Wednesday November 23, 2005

Scarring the children for life.

Overheard at work:

Talking to a group of coworkers: "Have you ever stuffed your Thanksgiving turkey with a cornish hen and then when you begin carving it at the table, scream in disgust, "Oh my god!!! This turkey was pregnant!!!".

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Tuesday November 22, 2005

Monsters walk among us.

Late last night I had a shocking revelation that completely took me by surprise. I was reading some entries in Dimentia's blog and came across a post where she was relating a news story about six US servicemen in the Philippines who had done unspeakable things to a local girl. I was horrified that these things happened, but what bothered me even more was the fact that I had not heard of the story in our news. It is a story which no American wants to hear, but all need to hear. Even more shocking is the fact that these servicemen are protected by a "treaty" of rules set forth to govern the disciplinary actions of our troop on Philippine soil.

If enough evidence is found to bring these "men" to trial, then they should be charged and brought to trial in the Philippine court system. My sympathy goes out to the girl and her family and I hope that they know that all American servicemen are not the monsters which they encountered. It disgusts me to know that we have people who supposedly represent our way of life doing such vile things in foreign lands. Speaking as a former Marine, I hope that those "men" are punished beyond anything that they can imagine. I would like Dimentia and her friends to know however, that if these soldiers are found guilty and brought to trial in a US military trial, their punishment will not be light. Military prison is far worse punishment than any other US prison, and while prison-time cannot make up for the unspeakable acts that were allegedly done to that young Filipina, at least those found guilty will not go unpunished. Again, nothing can repair the damage that has been done to the girl, her psyche or her family and friends, and that is a horrible fact. But please understand that just as in your land, monsters walk among us Americans also, and they are just that: monsters.

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Response to November 22 post

Letters, we get letters........

Thanks for posting about what happened in our shores. It really was a despicable act but even here, there's not much news about it anymore. Our current President, Gloria-Macapagal Arroyo, doesn't want to sever her good relationship with Bush so she doesn't show her support to the Filipino victim. It's really sad but that's the way it is here in my country. You can really get away with murder if you have the right connections and a lot of money.

dementia

Monday November 21, 2005 - 9:00pm

Wish you were here! No, not really.

I survived the probing and wanted to report that my prostate is fine and doing quite well.

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Monday November 21, 2005 - 12:00pm

Afternoon email conversation:

Ernie: Wow, a prostate check. Good luck.

Me: I hope he uses his finger at least......

Lisa: Maybe he will call you the next day. That's what I do.

Me: Yeah, but what happens when I run into him at wal-mart? How uncomfortable will that be? Do you think that he walks around town and subconsciously goes: "Hmmm, there's Mr. Reynolds..... I had my finger up his ass."

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Sunday November 20, 2005

Doctor Shocker!

It's been two years since I went to the doctor. I don't have to go much because I'm generally in good health. Well.... as good of health as an overweight manic depressive tobacco user with a bad heart can be! I’m rarely sick enough to go to the doctor thanks to my daily regimen of life preserving medicines and vitamins. But in order to continue receiving prescriptions for these life preserving pills, I am supposed to make an annual journey to pay the doctor to write his name on the little slip.

So the up until now the appointment has been a nuisance to me at best. That is, until my last appointment when the Doctor asked if I wanted him to check my prostate.

“Uhhhhhhh..... No” I said.

“Oh, okay. Maybe next time then.” He said with a smile as an uncomfortable silence seemed to fill the room.

It was really uncomfortable after that. Not because I am apparently the age that needs to have a prostate check, but because of the way that he said it. He spoke in a tone of voice that showed disappointment when I answered “no”. Hence my feelings of uneasiness for this year’s appointment.

So Monday afternoon, am scheduled to go in for an appointment, and this doctor will probably go in me! I shudder to think about it.

Friday November 18, 2005

Just turn on the lights please.

Apparently my posts from the other day must have been a little darker than I expected because several readers had emailed me to make sure that I was "alright". Of course I'm not alright!!! Those of you who know me in real life can testify that I am never "alright", but alway on some weird emotionaal roller coaster between mania, depression, rage and complacency. There is no "alright" for me and never has been. There is only what I feel at the moment, which can change in the beat of a heart.

This whole mood shift thing is what makes me so hard to be around sometimes. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I'm going to snap one day and go postal in a McDonalds or anything. All I'm saying is that I am one moody mother. Just because I get angry doesn't mean that I am going to go all Danny Bonneducci on people.

so am I "alright"? No, I am not alright. Am I okay with that? No, but I (as well as those who live with me) have learned to accept that this whole moodiness is part of who I am.

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Thursday November 17, 2005

What makes the measure of a man?

Everything has a lifespan. Whether you want to call it the shelf-life, half-life, or life, or even its expiration date, the fact remains that everything must come to an end. Our lives. Our relationships. Our jobs. Our milk. Our seasons. Our dreams. Everything must eventually die. As adults, we learn that all living things must eventually pass away.

But what about the immaterial things, those wispy, intangibles which exist only in our minds ad souls?

How about friendships? What causes a relationship to wither away like a neglected plant, desperately trying to cling to life? Over the past ten years, I seem to have lost almost every friend whom I once cherished in my heart. And to what, I ask. What an I doing that has driven away so many of those which I once shared so much with? Is it some innate negative energy field irradiating from my soul that seems to drive people away? Or am I so boring that my companionship becomes merely a repetitive quagmire that drags friendships down?

Surely there must be something more to this than meets the eye. Perhaps I am not supportive enough to those in my life. Or maybe the opposite; I am too smothering and controlling. Perhaps it is just me being paranoid that the fault of fallen friendships always seem to rest on my weary shoulders.

The only absolute truth is that I have become so accustomed to losing friends that I recognize the signs as they appear.

Consider these in point: Over the past two years I have lost complete contact with my best friend since childhood. A person whom I once considered to be my "brother". We have not spoken for over a year now, even though he lives less than an hour away.

Another friend who I have seen slowly slipping from my grasp is my e-friend. The story behind our friendship began when we "met" in a graphic design forum nearly half a decade ago. For five continuous years we "talked" on a daily basis, our banter ranging for the lighthearted to the serious. I revealed secrets to her that I have never trusted anyone else with. Yet for some reason last year, our letters dwindled from daily, to weekly, to monthly and now it is often months before either of us say "hi". She was a close friend and I miss her.

This year I was reunited with two long-lost friends and I hope that I can develop those friendships into what they once were, but I can already see that dream dwindling down to nothing.

I think the true measure of a man is not how much power he possesses, nor how much wealth he can amass in his lifetime. No, the true measure of a man can only be seen after he has passed on. The true measure of a man is gauged by the number of loving friends who show up at his funeral. I would like to think that mine would be many, but I will never know.

Among this sea of friends, I still feel as if I am drowning. Something is wrong, seriously wrong, and I'm not sure if I know how to fix it.

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Wednesday November 16, 2005

Something new (finally).

Remember the Super Friends cartoon from the 70's? They always had the coolest heroes and the neatest adventures of all of the Saturday morning cartoons. But did you ever ask yourself how they selected the new recruits? Would they be fair and impartial, or would they show some of the same biases that we mortal men (and women) might have? In the second installment of Talkin' in my Noggin', I allow you to slip into the secret world of a super team and see what really goes on!

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Tuesday November 15, 2005

Self Censorship.

This post was removed on May 5, 2007 so that a man's children won't stumble upon it when they Google his name. Never let it be said that I am not a swell guy. Curoius as to what I'm babbling about? Check the following link: WWMT News.

Monday November 14, 2005

An illustrated example of my 3-day transformation into a germ.

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Monday November 14, 2005

Creme De La Phlegm.

I feel as if someone were shoving a baby-bottle brush up my right nostril and using it to poke at my brain. I went to work today even though I felt bad. After all, if you're gonna' feel like shit, you might as well get paid for it, right?! I don't get it though. I don't feel like I'm gonna' Puke, nor crap myself, nor do I have snot dripping down my nose. What gives?! Why do I feel like I have been ran over by a truck if I don't have anymore symptoms?!

I do have quite a pesky dry cough however, that sometimes gives me a little phlegmy gift that I am compelled to examine. Oh, c'mon!!!!! You do it too!!!! Don't act all high and mighty around me!!! You know that you do it too!

The last one looked a little bit like Africa, and the one before it resembled a german shepherd, or maybe it was a young Richard Gere? Yay phlegm!

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Sunday November 13, 2005

Sunday afternoon marathon.

I'm sick.

No, not like "french kiss your sister" sick, I mean sick as in ill. I've parked myself on the couch and refuse to get up. Not even six full hours of the Gilmore Girls marathon has dredged me out of this miserable stupor.

You would think that a whole quarter of a day spent listening to Lorelai's incredibly fast dialogue would snap anyone out of anything.... or possibly induce a coma.

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Saturday November 12, 2005

On awaking with a long white beard.

I slept for 17 hours straight. I usually only get between 4 and 5 hours of sleep per night. What is happening to me?????

Monday November 7, 2005 - 8:30pm

Deep thought for a shallow mind.

You ever stop and think about how the world keeps on moving regardless of your role in it? How in the grand scheme of things, we are really nothing? If we died at this instant, that the birds would keep singing, the snow would still fall, our friends and family would go on? Well, you're WRONG! Dead-ass wrong. We each play an integral part in this twisted web of reality that we know. Granted, not everyone can have a gigantic impact on the human race , but we are all important. From the richest king, to the lowliest street urchin. Our actions shape what will become the future of this world. Although there are a few which play larger roles; Einstein comes to mind, Eli Whitney, Rosa Parks, Pauly Shore. We all have some sort of impact on the outcome of the world. It may be generations to pass, but our actions may very well shape our future existence. And it may be something as simple as cutting off a person on the freeway. Our single aggravating act just might cause another person to snap, the final straw of frustration. That person may go to work angry and in a fit of anger, pummel his overbearing boss. That violent outburts causes him to go to prison for assault, thus leaving his son without a father figure. That child may grow up without learning to stand up for himself, being picked on by schoolyard bullies until he has no self worth. And what if that boy was brilliant, but afraid to take chances, thus missing the opportunity to ascend to the greatness which he was slated to become, the President of the United States. One will never know how each of our singular actions is effecting our future. It is a mystery that cannot be fully contemplated nor understood. It is simply a fact, that we are our own future.

Uuurgh...... Somebody bring me a beer.

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Monday November 7, 2005 - 6:30am

I feel pretty, oh so pretty.....

I smell of flowers and baby powder. I ran out of my deodorant yesterday and neglected to buy more. So today I was forced to wear Her Majesty's deodorant because smelling pretty is better than smelling like a sweaty armpit, right?! Schaljo will want me.

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Response to November 7 post

Letters, we get letters........

Wow, my first ever response to a blog.
I work in sales, and travel. One packs either the night before, thoughtfully placing all necessary items in the suitcase. Or, one packs like I do - arising late on the day of departure. Half asleep. Cramming misc. items in the small suitcase when you needed the large suitcase. Awaking the next morning in Boston, OK a little hung over - eating alone in the hotel restaurant requires that you talk to the barkeep, and keep the beer going - and find that the deodorant is still on your shelf at home, in Maine. Smelling good is 200 miles away. Or as close as either the hotel soap, or your travel toothpaste. Either one can be made into a sticky paste that will stick to your underarms, and hopefully give off a semi-pleasant odor until you get home.

Only trouble is, the paste clogs up on your underarm hairs (real men DON'T shave there) and pulls on the sensitive skin there every time you move more
than 1" at a time - which happens when you walk, talk, drive, drink coffe and eat - so you're pretty much in pain all day long. So you smell OK but you're grumpy. All for lack of aluminum chloride. Why didn't I pay more attention in chemistry class?.

Dave M - Maine (email withheld because I am a swell guy)

Dave has the solution to all of my deodorizing woes! Uhhhhh....... thanks for the tips Dave! Glad you like my site.

Sunday November 6, 2005

Spreading the disease

One of the coolest things about having so many hits over the past few weeks is the vast range of cool people who I have "met" out here in cyberspace. Two of them are listed here along with their websites if you want to take a peek. Both of them have their own blogs, also.


I got an email from Dementia with a link to her blog. If you're over 16, you should check it out at: http://www.burymeinthisdress.com

I was also contacted by John Gawler, a former jarhead and current Guardsman. He has a way cool site that gives an inside the many facets of his life: http://gawlers.yfug.org/

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Saturday November 5, 2005

Wal-mart: watch for falling undead ninja heads

We went shopping today and found some great bargains on clearance at Wal-mart All of their remaining Halloween stock was 75 percent off. Too bad that we're so damn broke right now or I would have really stocked up for next year. I did purchase two masks though, one of an undead ninja(???) and one that looks like a shrunken head. I suppose I will use them to decorate some dummies next year, or maybe even myself (another dummy?). I got the masks for about a buck fifty each -- it was just too good of a deal to pass up. Maybe I'll go there early next week to see if anything is 90 percent off or something crazy like that.

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Friday November 4, 2005

Around the world in 80 days!

Any of you who have not paid attention to the Personal P.R. campaign that I have implemented for super-fan John Schaljo should take a look at how his fame and A-OKness has spread throughout the world!!! Click here to see photos of this global phenomenon or click here to see how it all began back in September.

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Wednesday November 2, 2005

Kickin it back an hour or so.

I really hate the whole daylight savings time thing. The guy who invented it needs beaten with a big, heavy club....with spikes on it ....and poison tipped barbs. Why do we have to go around messing with everyone's sleep patterns?! Surely the whole thing is antiquated now.

Tuesday November 1, 2005

More of Derek's Stupid Movie Reviews.

Boogeyman: A++++++++
I had some misgivings about watchng this movie. The PG-13 rating alone was enough for me to have initial doubts. But once this movie began, it took me on a horror filled roller coaster ride of non-stop creepiness. The ending happens to be the worst part of the film, almost as if the writers needed to finish up the story but didn't know how to do it. but the entire show was eeriee as hell all the way through. It is BY FAR the best horror film that i have seen in the past decade. I can honestly say that this film is right up there with the Excorcist and Silence of the lambs for its chill factor.

Lords of Dogtown: A
An awesome show that I had no intention of watching, let alone enjoying. We rented it for The Brat and I ended up really liking it. The movie is a true life account of the "Z-Boys" of Zephyr skateboards and how they influenced the sport of skateboarding in its emergence in the early 1970's.

House of Wax: F
I was looking forward to this one as I am big fan of the old Vincent Price movies, of which this is supposed to be a remake. Unfortuanately, they turned a seriously creepy movie into a crappy old slasher film. This movie completely sucked!

Bewitched: D
Will Ferrel (Darren) is funny as hell, just like in all of his films, and ? (Samantha) is both spunky and sexy as Samantha. But the decent character acting just couldn't make up for the bad writing. Sorry, I really, really tried to like this fim but couldn't.

The Longest Yard: A
Adam Sandler and Chris Rock do an outstanding job of updating this classic sport comedy. While it lacked some of the adult edgieness of the original,it still came accross as a solidly good movie. The only disappointment was that they changed the best scene in the original. I'm talking about when the convict straight-arms the gaurd during the game and sets of a chain of "I think he broke his f@#*ing neck." from the onlookers.

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