Wednesday June 1, 2005

The Brat had a friend over for dinner today and I think we may have really grossed her out during our meal. Y’see, The Brat inherited a lot of things from her mother, but she did the the mutant gene from me that allows us to share the same twisted sense of humor.

We all sat down at the table to eat and noticed the little girl looking downward at her plate, eyes open wide, like a scared man looking into the eyes of the Grim Reaper.

“What is that?” she asked, suspiciously eyeing the slab of meat on the plate.

“Its pork-steak.” Said Her Majesty. “ You mean you’ve never had pork steak?”

Now, I myself have always been uncomfortable with this term “pork steak” because the word itself is a conundrum. Pork is from swine, while steak should refer to something bovine in nature. Is this meat carved from some sort of strange genetically modified pig-cow? If not, I think that the meat industry should really rethink using the term.

Anyway, Her Majesty always trims the fat from the meat before cooking it, but there were still little fatty remnants in the meat. The girl obviously stuffed some in her pie-hole because she made an awful face like “ Damn! How can I spit this crap out without them seeing me?”

“You don’t like it?” inquired the Brat.

“Oh, c’mon,” I touted “Just chew it up. Don’t be such a sissy.”

The girl was trying.... Chewing away at the nasty stuff.

“Its not that bad. Just think of it like jelly.” I said

“Yeah, its just like jelly” The Brat added.

“ Meat Jelly” I said. “Just chew up your meat jelly and then you can have some vegetables.”

The entire table lost it.

Monday May 30, 2005

I got an exciting email tis weekend from Mark Butler. Who is that, you ask? Well Mark is the owner of the largest collection of Halloween project links in the entire friggin' universe. His site: The Monster Page of Halloween Links is used by thousands upon thousands of haunters, both professional and habbyists alike. It appears that Mr. Butler has chosen my Halloween section of this site to be included within his collection, and he had some fine fine things to say. Take a gander at the email.....

Derek, I'm finally about done with the Monsterlist update (watch for big announcement soon).. and I wanted to say how amazed I was with your pages..
Simple easy to do stuff that was wayyyyy cool!

I'm so glad you posted the pages, your gonna make a lot of haunters happy.

Mark

So, if you get a chance, or are interested in haunting your home for Halloween, be sure to check out Mark's site!

Friday May 27, 2005

The following photo is a picture of my Halloween costume back in 2000. This nerd costume was probably my favorite costume of all time and it was so successful that my coworkers didn't even recognize me when I showed up at my desk.

Some of you guys have already seen this photo from years back, but its so damn funny that i figured that I would share it with some of my new friends.

I'm not usually the kind of person who reads astrology, and neither is Her Majesty, be she found this on MSN and sent it to me today. I was amazed at how accurate it seemed to be.....

Virgo (Her Majesty) & Aries (Me)

Virtual opposites: The Virgo is a diligent worker, a faithful partner, and a born organizer; sparkling Aries lacks ongoing commitment but has pizzazz. He may sometimes chafe under Virgo's critical gaze. The Ram will dominate the pair, and his or her unpredictability will wreak havoc with Virgo's plans. But Virgo gives backbone to the Ram's impulses, and guides him or her with valuable advice. The alchemy of opposites forges a constructive but continually strained relationship.

Tuesday May 17, 2005

I've often been down about all of the responsibilities that I carry in my life. Not that I believe that my burden is any greater than your average American, but there are responsibilities nonetheless.

Everyday on my commute home, I pass through a small town called Hord and am greeted by the same person as I leave the tiny village. The greeter is a man, slightly older than I , who always stands or sits along the path of a Care Center's wooden ranch style fence which stretches parallel with Hwy. 45. I never learned his name but he is as much a part of the town's landscape as the dilapidated old gas station, or the small country houses nearby.

Sometimes I look at the man as a I passby in the Bonneville and I feel sorry for him. Because there he has stood, all day, everyday for at least the seven years that I have traversed this path on my commute to work. And I think to myself, wouldn't it be great to be like him? Sometimes I think that it would be a blessing, to know that all you had to do is go out and stand by the fence and watch the world go by. And because of your mental capacity, you wouldn't realize the monotony of it all, day after day, after day.

But then I think, what if he isn't mentally challenged? What if he believes that he has been blessed with some sort of misunderstood gift of sight? What if in his own mind, that he MUST stand by that fence? What if it is his duty to guard mankind from some unimaginable horror that will unfold the moment that the fence is left unattended? Could his burden be to guard that fence through rain, sleet, sun, and snow in order to protect OUR reality?

That is a burden that I would not want to have resting on my shoulders.

Monday May 16, 2005

Wow! I got a lot of responses emailed to me regarding the Yoda interview from this weekend! Here are some snippets from two of my favorite emails:

"I must admit to an egregious act of slander on my part towards your person. While perusing your site I noticed the photo interview with Yoda, and thought in my head “this man-child has finally created something so moronic that history will site it as the cause for the fall of western civilization.” But then something in side told me to give it a chance. So I did, and was suddenly laughing despite my self. It was Glorious! So I went back into my head and took a vote on whether or not I should apologies, and the yeas won by a margin 405 to 387 with 13 abstaining (libertarians!). So even though I don’t agree with the use your artistry skills to put a very funny looking fictional creature next to Master Yoda, I must say kudos to you sir for showing us there can be a use for the internet other than religious zealotry and wonderful pornography.

P.S. I would be interested in obtaining this “Fleshlight“ that you promised to Mr. John Schaljo. If you could let me know where you obtained such an item, then I could see to it that your name be among the list of those who will be spared when my people return to enslave this planet."

and another....

"The force is strong with you and your longer arms! :) It was very interesting..... You must have great powers.... Have you ever done a comparison between Captain James Tiberious Kirk and Captain Jean Luc Picard? Could be a good debate! :)

I'll be thinking how lucky you are that you were able to interview Yoda. Have you been able to bang Amedala yet?"

I'll be sure to post more as they come in...

Sunday May 15, 2005

With all of the hype surrounding the new Star Wars Episode 3 coming out next week, I thought this would be the perfect time for me to try and make contact with one of my childhood heroes. You may have noticed that the Star Wars characters have been making a lot of appearances to promote the upcoming movie release. So, being a childhood fan and all, I decided that this was the right time to contact my favorite Jedi Knight. It was surprisingly easy to do. I just had my people call his people and WHAM, I got an interview.

Unfortunately, I discovered that childhood heroes aren't always what they appear to be.

You can read the photo journalistic interview here.

Saturday May 14, 2005

Well, here it is! The first ever interview conducted for my website. because this is the introductory interview, I thought it would be particularly appropriate if the first participant was none other than this sites number one fan - John Schaljo. Click here to red the interview.

Friday May 13, 2005

Overheard in a lucnch conversation at the sub-shop.

Guy #1: Do you know Alice's number? I need to let her know that we are eating here.

Guy #2: Yeah, its 3972.

Guy #1: Thanks! (begins dialing phone)

Guy#2: Y'know, if you were into numerology, youd know that it is the number for "dirty f*@#ing whore".

Thursday May 12, 2005

I’m sitting in an empty class right now. It’s the last one of the semester and all of my students have finished their final exams. As far as I know, I am expected to remain here for the next four hours in case some crisis arises like an earthquake, tsunami, or a Michael Jackson molestation. So I’ll just sit here and grade papers, surf the net, and do other professorly things.

I know that my entries have been rather lame lately, but don't give up on me. I have some real cool stuff in the works and hope to post it over the weekend.

Tuesday May 10, 2005

I have newly updated artwork from my Adobe Illustrator students. You should take a minute and check out the new work. This semester's students are featured across the bottom row. You can view them by clickng here.

Monday May 9, 2005

Why do you suppose that aliens only abduct people from farm-houses and trailer parks? I mean, does the anus of an old farmer really hold THAT much of a mystery to the extra terrestrials? Since they are so much more advanced than us, you'd think they'd have the common sense to abduct someone who has a white collar job. If I had to pick an butthole to probe, it sure wouldn't be from a sweaty old farm-hand.

Stupid, stupid aliens.

Thursday May 5, 2005

Today is 05-05-05, triple five, Cinco de Mayo de cinco, if you will.

That’s uno + uno + uno + uno + uno de mayo de cinco.

Have you ever had one of those days where you wish a lot of the people you have to deal with would commit suicide? Well today was my day! Don’t get me wrong, its not like I was going to go postal on anyone or anything like that! No, the Derek abhors violence! Plus, you could go to jail for that!!!

Oh, I just added a new section to the Fun Stuff pages called Metaphoric Connections. Be sure to check it out and see if you are a genius.

Wednesday May 4, 2005

Happy Birthday to my pal Lisa! She's the big 32 today!!!! She sure acts alot younger than she is, the old goat!!! I wonder what she got for her birthday? probably VD. Besides from eating lunch with her, my day was horrible.

I'll give you four words to describe the coupe de grace of the afternoon:

Pickles, Kleenex, Lubriderm, Pepsi! Oh wait, that was my Walmart list......... I meant to say: Keys Locked In Car.

Derek Ouuuuuut.

Tuesday May 3, 2005

This evening we loaded up the car and made the 8 mile trek to see my Dad, Step mom and my two Brudders. The Brat was real excited to go because one of Pat's horses had just given birth to a colt the night before.

The photo shows my Dad (blue hat), my uncle Jerry (white hat) and my youngest brother. There was some argument going on as to what name should be given to the awkward little thing. I think they went with "Joe", but I thought something like "Stumbles" or "Cricket" would have been more appropriate.

Even though I'm not very fond of those equestrians, I have to admit that it was kinda' fun watching the silly little thing try to run and keep its balance.

Monday, May 2, 2005

A casual pre-luch conversation on semantics:

Me: Do you have any plans for lunch today?

Friend: I have to go to the Post Office and then I think I'm gonna read a book. I've been reading a lot lately. This is my third book in a month. It's really nice :) What about you?

Me: Nothing. I don’t have any money and I didn’t bring my lunch. Maybe I’ll just stay here and dink around. Dink – a term used to describe being lazy, without saying “being lazy.”

Friend: Does this work? I am so dinky.

Me: No, dink means something different when used like that. I think it means “small” in that instance.

Friend: ...like a dinky winky?

Me: No........ I think that may be a penis. Like in “Jill kicked Jack in the dinky winky.”

Sunday, May 1, 2005

Okay, time to start this months installment of my weblog. Nothing fun or exciting to report at the moment, but be sure to check out last months archives if you missed any postings! You can get there by clicking here, or by using the link at the top of the page.