Wednesday August 31, 2005

Where is the United Nations? Where are all of the relief workers from other countries? We give millions of dollars in relief to other countries each year. Tsunami relief, famine relief, drought relief. No matter what the problem that another country has, they can count on the United States of America to hand out millions of dollars to help fix their problems. But when a disaster strikes at home, there is no foreign aid.

No donated food. No UN volunteers. No helicopters flying around to rescue trapped people. And don’t get me started on all of those people who are trapped in New Orleans.

Listen. If you are told to evacuate the entire friggin’ city, then do it. Most of those stuck on rooftops are there because they ignored the warnings and I’m sick of hearing them bitch that no one will pick them up. Hey, It was your choice to stay, so shaddup already! Our rescue workers have other important things to do, like get power back on for people who heeded the warnings. So sit down on your rooftop and wait it out like everyone else.

Wednesday August 31, 2005

I got two replies to posts from the Amazing Poe this week they are as follows:

In regards to the August 29 Post about my new beard:

As you know I dislike all hair (that’s where the government likes to hide the transmitters). But if you must draw a line of hair from one side to the other then I agree that the Franz-Josef is a much leaner look. However, be thee warned, it appears that the weight of the whiskers will pull on your nose, and thus elongating it.

In regards to the August 29 Post about gas prices and the hurricane:

Ok ha ha, I get your biting sarcasm. And I would agree with you if gas went from $1.50 a gallon, or $2.00. Gas was already inflated, and while it may not be Bushes fault, as commander in chief it is still his to answer for.

Saturday August 27, 2005

I went fishing today with two friends of mine from work, Aaron and his girlfriend Loretta. It was a lot of fun and we had the whole pond to ourselves for about the first hour or so. To give a little background on this particular pond, let me tell you that it is a very LARGE pond that is conveniently tucked away about a quarter mile in between two cornfields located in the middle of nowhere.

We thought we were going to be able to have the whole area to ourselves and did, in fact, for a few hours. But then a crappy little white car came buzzing down the dirt road and pulled over a hundred feet past us. I should have know what was about to happen as I could have sworn that Kid Rock was the passenger who met my gaze as the car drove by. It was an enlightening experience as they climbed out of the car and proceeded to drink beer at a nearby picnic table beside the pond. They were white trash to the Nth degree! It was two adult couples and a small child about 10 years old. I felt like we were watching a live Jerry Springer episode! The more beer they ingested , the louder they got, until we could hear every word that came out of their public aid fed mouths. I'm, not sure, but I imagine the whole damn family, including the 10 year old and the pet dog, had mullets.

So we continued fishing and listened to the ramblings of the drunk woman who proclaimed in a raucious voice "I know how to handle my mother f****ing alcohol!" It was an enlightening experience for Loretta however, as the drunk lady of oh-so high social stature spoke of the two things scare a man the most:

#1. When a woman asks a man what his true f***ing feelings are for a woman.

#2. When you tell that man that you are sick of his shit and that you are going to cut off his f***ing balls.

Ahhhh........ true life lessons such as these come along only once in a lifetime.

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

On August 18th, I posted how my friend Timmay was so young that he didn't always get my references to older television shows. The posting must have gotten under his skin because when I got home today this message was in my inbox.:

TS: You suck, geezer. Ok you don't really suck...that bad. You are a geezer though... And NO, I didn't say "You suck geezer!" I said, "You suck(comma) geezer!" So no misstatements when you rip me for this one on your blog! Ok bye.

Tim.

Timmay sure gets all defensive when he brings up sucking geezers, doesn't he?.

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

Everyone should know by now that I am a freak when it comes to Halloween. Each year I construct homemade props for my daughter's Halloween party. This year, the biggest prop so far has been what the Brat and I call VLAD (very large Areal Demon). Its completely homemade and has a wingspan of over eight feet. Although it isn't finished, I figured that I'd give you all a sneak peak at it since this is the project that has been taking all of my blogging time away for the past few weeks.



The first two shots show the styrofoam body and the wire armature used to construct the wings. The head is shown in place, but wasn't actually attached at the time of the photo.

These pics show a more detailed pic of the skull and the way that the wings appear after mounted to the styrofoam body.

The shot above shows VLAD after he has been assembled - minus the legs and tail.

An underneath shot, showing the fully assembled VLAD. Detailed work like paint and texture still need to be applied of course.

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

Just what kind of sicko do we have working at Wal-mart now? Super-fan John Schaljo sent in these images of a peculiar shaped fruit smile that he purchased at the local Wal-mart. These snacks were intended for his baby daughter and he and his wife were appalled to find this mutant abnormality within the bag of otherwise normal fruit snacks. Look at the huge phalls protruding from the rear of the smile! Disgusting. Is it an attempt to slowly sexualize our society? Is it some sort of sick attempt at recreating a Robert Maplethorp photo? Or something more devious, like the scientists at Great Value experimenting with Happy Smile DNA to create some unnatural , hybrid mutant?

The world may never know.

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

Timmay, my main cohort at work, is quite a bit younger than I, (22 years old -- I think). He's a very talented designer and we get along great, but sometimes I catch myself saying things that completely blow by him. Not because he is mentally challenged or anything, but because he has no point of reference for some of the things that I say because of our age difference. Most of these are in respect to popular culture of the 1970's or 80's. There is a twelve year gap of pop culture between us and I often forget that.

Sometimes I make references to television programming from the 70 and 80’s and it goes right over his head. Like today I made a reference to George Jefferson “moving on up to the sky” and he had no clue as to what I was rambling about. I think that the cable executives developed that TV Land channel to solve this problem.

Perhaps this entertainment gap that is plaguing our society is actually the cause of the ills of the western world. There were no suicide bombers when Mrs. Garrett was mentoring Tootie, Blair, Natalie, and Joe! No mailed anthrax when Fred Sanford and Grady were drinking ripple! I don’t even remember a single gang-war when Snyder and Mrs. Ramano were taking it one day at a time.

So perhaps this TV Land is what we have been lacking for the past decade. Maybe it will take us back to the peaceful decade of the 70’s and 80’s, where all the children had to worry about was the imminent death of Nuclear War, crack fiends, and AIDS. Oh, wait a minute........ nevermind.

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

NEVER, EVER, EVER start laughing when you are using the urinal.

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

Quick Note: Quite a few of you have sent in your top 5 Hollywood Hotties! There's still time for more though, so send in your list if you haven't done so already! Click here to see the results so far!

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

For some bizarre reason I awoke today at 6:30am instead of my usual Sunday 11:30am sleep schedule. So, with all of that extra time, I finally finished and posted two new additional section to my site!

One is the first posts of my "Hollywood Hotties" page that I thought of on August 10th, so if you want to see who's hot and who's not, check the page out by clicking here. If you get a chance, be sure to send in your top five, as I plan on making that a page which will be continually updated.

The second new feature is my biting expose' on the quality of water in my hometown of Flora! Believe me, its a must see. Check it out by clicking here.

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

I got this reply from Poe in regards to the "Hollywood Hotties" posting on August 10th.

"You devious bastard, you want me to write this list of the hot chicks, then when I marry number 4 on my list, you can show her that I picked 3 other girls above her. You almost had me, but I saw through your ploy! This round goes to Poe! "

Sometimes I say very, very stupid things to other people. Things that either make myself look like a blithering fool, or confirm it to those who already think that I am. This little snippet of conversation occurred today near the end of my afternoon.

Tim: Is grandstand one word or two?

Me: I think one...... Yeah, I’m pretty sure it’s one.

Tim: Okay.

Me: But then again, I ain’t the brightest tool in the shed.

That last sentence alone proved my point.

Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

A friend of mine sent me a link to the BAJAK-FLUX-CAPACITATOR ASTRAL TRAVEL TIME MACHINE that was being auctioned on ebay. (You can click the screenshot below to view the actual post.) The email quickly blossomed into the following banter:

JS: My B-day is 8/29. You guys better start bidding. Once you give it to me, I'll use it to go back into time, re-list it on ebay and pay you back.

Me: We already bought it for you six weeks from now.

JS: I'll thank you last week then..........

Me: You are......... Uh, will be......er.......were welcome.

Just for something fun, I’m going to do a thing on my website comparing everyone’s 5 hottest actresses (or actors for you gals). So I need your list! Remember, no singers, models, tv stars (or Porn stars..... Sorry, but you can’t nominate Ron Jeremy). You can email me the list by clicking here. If you are attaching photos of the stars, please try and keep each file under 30k in size. Results will be posted soon.

I think I may have skipped my upper thirties and jumped right into my middle fifties this weekend. Why? Because I found myself actively participating in the recreation of nearly all middle age men, metal detecting. It all started last night when we went to my Dad’s for a nice family dinner. After eating all of the sloppy-joes and cherry tomatoes that I could hold, we men went out to do something a little more exciting in the remaining hours of daylight. My father, grandfather and I walked though the field and began searching for buried treasure using that miracle of modern innovation; the metal detector. I knew that it wouldn’t be too terribly exciting, but its not often that I get to do anything with my father or grandfather, so that alone made the time worth a million dollars. In truth, I imagine the only person who truly got overly excited about metal detecting were those mine-sweeping guys in Vietnam, and I bet that if you took a survey you’d find very few of them who go metal detecting today!

We strapped on the headphones and swung the detectors to and fro searching for what promised to be the reward of an age-old coin. After about an hour of searching, I felt glorious achievement at the discovery of an old oil filter buried a mere three inches in the hardened dirt. What a discovery! I never even knew that the Indians used automobiles to work the land! Surely this is some kind of significant archeological finding. I mean, I have never seen any reference to any type of Native American internal combustion engine.

Now this is just a theory, but I’m almost certain that we white men must have stolen the technology and and driven the Indians away from the land! Perhaps I should send an email to the Native American Geological Society. Yes, I think that would be appropriate. After all, why should I keep this astounding discovery to myself, right?

You may not have noticed, but the handy dandy little counter at the bottom of the page finally rolled past twenty thousand! what a milestone. This site hasn't even been up for a year yet, so I think those numbers are pretty friggin' impressive.

Friday August 5, 2005

Sometimes you run into sites when you are doing searches on the internet that just make you think " What the f***??!!" And I think the following link will be one of those! Be careful if you are at work, while it's not full of swearing or porn, it is definitely strange and suggestive.

The Wall of Toys!

Thursday August 4, 2005

Today two friends of mine, Lisa Tebbe and Courtney Wittenberg volunteered to help me with the photography that I needed for The Brat's Halloween Party invitations. Together, Lisa and Court make up Photoworx Studio. It was awesome for them to do this and I think everyone had a lot of fun with it, even if we did make Courtney contort into some uncomfortable poses a time or two. I'm posting just a few of the awesome shot that these guys made for me. I haven't had a chance to mess with them or clean them up yet, but they will be amazing when it comes time to design the card. The Brat and I really appreciate you guys taking time out of your schedules for this project. So thanks, friends!!!

If you are curious to see what kind of invitation that I typically do, you can click here and view 2004's invitation.

Wednesday August 3, 2005

Sweat drips from the driver's brow as he awaits the green light. The heat from the rumbling engine bellows as he grips the steering wheel in anticipation of the green light. He steals a quick glance to the driver to his right and then slams down the accelerator as the vivid green hue signals for him to go. The car tears forward, tires spinning and squealing on the hot pavement before finally rocketing the massive metal machine down the lane and ahead of the vehicle to the right of it.

Okay, so it didn't really happen like that, but I think the dude in the van beside me thought that I was trying to race him on my trip home. His shitty little mini-van was grumbling defiantly as he continued to push the engine to keep up with me. Eventually, he went around me, no doubt feeling victorious for outrunning the Super-charged Bonneville.

The truth is, I wasn't trying to race him. I was simply trying to keep cool! According to my in-car thermometer, it reached a sweltering 92 degrees last night and the whole "race" scenario was nothing more than me trying to get going fast since my damnable air conditioning went out of my car. Since I haven't gotten the relay replaced yet, I am relying on the old 4W65MPH air conditioning system (That's 4 Windows-Down, 65 Miles Per Hour for those of you who have never heard of that expression.)

So let the van have his victory. Let him remember the day that he out-ran the "big, bad" Bonneville. Let him drink champaign and flirt with wild women in his hotel at night, I'll just be satisfied knowing that I won't be sweating in my leather seats.