Tuesday April 25, 2006

Dear Internet,
Today was full of vile feelings and embarrassing events. Those of you who have talked to me recently know that I have some sort of sinus problem right now. I'm not sure what caused it, but I did spend a lot of time outdoors this weekend. So because of that, I'm going to blame my sinus infection on Aaron Zane. What does Aaron Zane have to do with nature, you ask? Why nothing, of course, but I haven't blamed anything on him for a long, long time, and the bastard doesn't even read my blog. So lets officially decree that Aaron somehow caused my sinus infection.

The doctor gave me some type of super-high potency antibiotics for it. It's called Zmax. Zmax comes in a small bottle and it is some sort of banana-cherry flavored liquid chalk which you must consume all at once. The good news is that you only need to take it once. The bad news is that it made me feel as if a troupe of Russian dancing bears were jumping on my stomach. It was one of the worst stomach aches that I've had in decades, and I refuse to take that stuff ever again. It was so painful that I couldn't sleep until about 4am this morning. It wouldn't be such a big deal if I didn't have to leave for work at 7am. So I think that this medicine should only be given to those in our community who are living on the welfare system. And even then, it should only be prescribed to those who refuse to get a job.

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Sunday April 23, 2006

I took this lil' snapshot of a bumblebee chowing down on the honeysuckle at Her Majesty's grandmother's house. The beauty of nature always amazes me in the Spring. I must have watched this little bee for a half an hour as it happily buzzed from one flower to the next. Then I killed it with a flyswatter! Damned stinging son-of-a-bitches!!!! Just kidding....

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Friday April 21, 2006

Thanks to all of you for your birthday wishes. I especially wish to show my gratitude to all of you who offered to buy me new underwear. And while these gestures were both kind and thoughtful, they were totally unnecessary. Let me assure you that I still have plenty of underwear which can aptly holster my equipment. A special thanks goes out to White Raven for sending me the link to the enormous page of thong underwear. Nothing looks better on a guy's monitor at work than an entire page of banana- hammocks when he checks his email over lunch.

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Thursday April 20, 2006

I've prattled on and on about my weight loss over the past few months and I'm sure that you are all getting sick of reading about it. I'm trying not to focus on it because I have seen so many people obsess over their weight for the past few months. As a matter of fact, I even made a point to stop weighing myself on the scale. I've known for some time that I need to go out and buy some new clothes. Hell, I even had to take a leather punch to some of my belts to add holes, but today was the last straw. I will buy new clothes soon, no matter how damn poor I am. So you could easily say that I am accustomed to poor fitting closes right now. But never had I expected to be faced with chronic "flop."

I went to work today as I always do, business casual with a pair of Dockers and my trusty leather shoes. But as the day wore on, I realized that something was different. Very different. Uncomfortably different. Let me preface the following by explaining to the female readers, the construction of male undergarments. The male underwear, briefs to be specific, contain a small opening in the front which consists of two small overlapping pieces of material. It is designed to give the male a point of access, if you will, to his uh, member. This system works fine until a pair of underwear no longer fits properly. You see, I discovered that loose underwear allows the "access door" to remain open due to the lack of tension in the material. So my day consisted of uncomfortable positioning in the "happy region" that I couldn't fix without looking like a pervert. Adjustments are necessary sometimes. They are a part of nature, just like death, tornados, and Harry Connick Jr. Sadly, nature has a way of making us uncomfortable at times.

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Wednesday April 19, 2006

Today is my 36th birthday. Sioux and Jon bought me lunch, but Deb made me wear a sombrero. It is hot outside today and I don't know why my car smells of vinegar.

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Saturday April 15, 2006

This shocking photo, smuggled out of a Korean sweat-shop shows a bullwhip wielding Easter Bunny forcing small children to decorate his eggs. While rumors of this revelation have been circulating since the early 1970's, this photo provides the proof needed for the authorities to take action. Early this morning, the FBI seized the Easter Bunny at his Texas ranch estate. Word on the street is that a special session of congress is being called to review this disturbing case.

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Wednesday April 12, 2006

I had an extremely embarrassing moment this morning while I was at the gas station. I was at the pump, quickly lining the pockets of some Saudi prince. The Bonneville was chugging away at the pump, like a Frat boy beer bonging on pledge week. Across for me on the next pump was a lady in a white dress and her child. She eyed me suspiciously before leaving the preteenage boy alone in the car while she went in to pay. I must look trustworthy in my business casuals because she went ahead and went into the building. She had performed the quick judgement that parents often do when decisions involve their children. She probably thought to herself "thirty something an, wedding ring, four door family car, leather shoes and khakis. He must be sure."

Let me preface the following information by reminding you that the Bonneville has nearly 250,000 miles on it, so the regular check of fluids is a must. I popped the hood and checked the oil. Sure enough, it was low so I got a quart from the trunk and prepared to add it to the engine.

At this time, it was as if the fates were once again playing a cruel joke on me, laughing from the heavens above. For some reason, the plastic cap on the oil can wouldn't come off. It had somehow managed to cling to the little plastic ring on the outside of the neck. So I left it. I knew that the Fates frown upon me and I knew that by pulling the lid free, I would inadvertently sling oil all over myself. So I decided to follow the cautious path and leave the cap dangling from the ring. Unfortunately, that damned dangling cap somehow got in the way of the neck of the can, causing a small amount of oil to spill on the engine before I could aim the oil properly. No big deal, or so I thought.

It just so happens that at that exact moment, the lady in the white dress entered the scene. The same nice lady who had judged me "okay and safe" to leave near her unattended son. The instant she walked past me, the spilled oil belched forth a huge cloud of black smoke which rolled across the gas station lot and right into her. She turned to look at me as if saying "Hmph, and I thought that you were okay." and I returned with a blank stupefied look. All I could think of was "My car usually doesn't smoke like this. I'm not white trash, really."

The lady in white got into her car, leaving me and my khakis standing amidst the eruption of smoke and burning oil.

And the fates Laughed once again.

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Wednesday April 12, 2006

I don't know if I've mentioned this or not, but I have been spending a lot of time building a page about the guys in my old Marine Corps unit. It's been very time consuming and has been eating up all of the time usually spent writing for this blog. So bear with me while I get those pages built. I'm still going to update here, but it may be less frequent than usual. Once I get the pages posted, I will link to it here if you'd like to check it out.

It's so nice out today that I want to leave work early and go fishing. But I can't because things are so friggin’ hectic in my life right now. Whenever I get really stressed, I always try to remember some words of advice that my Grandmother once told me. She said “Derek, never have sex with a duck.” I've always found her advice to be sound and every time I've had a chance to have sex with a duck, her kind words always steer me clear. Thank you Grandma.

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Sunday April 9, 2006

I drove my daughter to a birthday party held at the skating rink of a neighboring town. I drive through this town every day on my commute to work and Her Majesty actually works there, but I never really see much of it. It's a tiny town of 1500 people and is the standard mid-western small farming community. Did I mention that I grew up in this town?

So instead of driving home, I took a three hour trip down memory lane. I grew up out in the country . The woods were my playground, the creek my swimming pool and my favorite toys were my rifle and fishing pole. I drove slowly down the roads, giving the once familiar wave to the people as I passed by. Out in the country, everybody waves. It's like a courteous way to say "Hello neighbor." even if the people are strangers.

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Wednesday April 5, 2006

I'm not sure who came up with this originally, but it's way cool!!!

Today at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 in the morning, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.

That won't ever happen again.............

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Tuesday April 4, 2006

A guy at work announced that his wife was pregnant as he carried around the sonogram printout. It seems like there are little babies all around me this week. Perhaps that is what led to this strange email banter:

Me: You know what I just thought of? Remember when you were worried about going into labor and I told you that it would be okay because “even stupid people do it.” I don’t know what made me think of that...... But it's still funny.

Sioux: I remember when you would say stuff like, "You better hope that baby doesn't have fingernails 'cause it will scratch you on the way out!"

That's what friends are for.

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Tuesday April 4, 2006

A brief exchange while rushing towards the kitchen during lunch hour:

Me: “Ha! I beat you! I’m faster than you.”

Sioux: “Maybe, but you’re stupid.”

Me: “Well, you’re stupid too!”

Sioux: “But you’re stupider!”.

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So what is all of the fuss about? Why drive to St. Louis and pick up Her Majesty's sister and her husband? Aside from visiting them, we got to meet the newest addition to the family!

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