Decking the halls. A whole lotta' decking.

We spent about a half an hour putting up a second Christmas tree yesterday evening. Yes, I said putting one up, not taking one down. For years now, her Majesty has wanted a larger tree for our library window. Out current tree is paltry at best and looks as if a family of raccoons had nested within its branches. It takes a lot of work to get the little thing looking good.

In order to remedy our Christmas tree woes, Her Majesty set off on a post-holiday shopping excursion. She has wanted a larger, prettier tree for several years now, but being the frugal shopper that she is, has never purchased one before.

This time, she came home beaming with joy because she had finally bought a new tree. It started out at $175 but with the after Christmas sales and a handy-dandy discount card, she ended up only paying around $60 dollars. (or so she says!) She hoisted this monstrous box of artificial needles into our library and called me in to bask in its holiday glory. The box was huge! And when I say huge, I don't mean huge like a typical artificial tree box, I mean like "Hide the children, Sally Struthers is coming to dinner!" huge.

The tree itself is pre-lit and has three sections to assemble. The box says that it is easy to assemble. Yes, it says that it assembles in "three easy steps." It was easy alright, about as easy as trying to wipe a porcupines ass. The tiny synthetic needles were like little daggers sticking into your skin. And you had to stick your face deep within its branches to assemble it. A feeling akin to some type of amazon facial scarification ritual. And now you wear the mark of the great tree god! Now you are truly a man)

Once the tree was assembled and my face was pulled away from the synthetic Christmas daggers, we admired its beauty. It was a beautiful tree, I have to admit. Quite possibly the most realistic artificial tree that I have ever seen. It towered above our previous tree, which must have been feeling quite inadequate by then. It stood seven and a half feet tall and damn near four and a half feet wide.

Her Majesty: "This is going to look so beautiful in the window"

Me: "Not really, Its so tall that you won't even see the top of it from the window, or even the bottom for that matter. Hell, its so wide that people will only see a window that is completely full of green. The might not even be able to tell what it is!"

I was joking of course, but it was enough to make her begin to reconsider her purchase, which was by no means my intent.

Her Majesty: "I'll just take it back."

Me: "No, I was just kidding. Its beautiful."

Her Majesty: "No, its too tall. I'll just take it back."

Me: "No you won't. I can just unwind the pre-lit lights and cut part of the top off with some tin snips." I said, because I know damn well that anything can be fixed using tin-snips.

Her Majesty: "Okay. It sure is beautiful isn't it?"

Me: "Yes. Yes it is."

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We got them Karen!

OLONGAPO CITY, Philippines (Reuters) - Philippine prosecutors charged four U.S. Marines on Tuesday with raping a 22-year-old Filipino woman in early November but cleared two other soldiers who had also been accused.

Washington has not responded publicly to an earlier request by the Philippine foreign affairs department to transfer custody of the Marines to local authorities. A statement by the U.S. embassy, which has been holding the soldiers, made no mention of custody but said the United States would continue to cooperate with the Philippines on the case under the two countries' Visiting Forces Agreement (VFA). "The U.S. remains committed to seeing that justice is served, and looks forward to a fair and impartial process that can provide for a just outcome," the statement said. Beyond small protests, the case has caused little public outcry or anti-American sentiment in the Philippines, the only former U.S. colony in Asia and a major security ally to Washington in the region.

Read more here.

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The fact of the matter is...

A discussion about the former King of Rock and Roll that came up when one of his songs began playing n the radio.

Me: I can't believe that they still have an Elvis song in rotation on this radio station.

Unnamed Elvis fan: Well, he is the King of rock.

Me: You mean WAS the King of rock. He's dead you know.

Unnamed Elvis fan: Elvis isn't dead.

Me: Well, even if he didn’t die when they said, he’d sure as hell be dead by now. Just look at the guy.

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Unexpected outbursts!

Her Majesty and the Brat went to the grocery store today to pick up some pickles for todays lunch with my Step-Dad's family. Unbeknownst to me, they also picked up a few other items from our shopping list. The following conversation took place after I had warmed the car up and was getting ready to go to lunch at my Aunt's house.

Me: C'mon, the car is all warmed up. Lets get the hell outta' here.

Her Majesty: I'll be ready in a second. I have to wash all of this blood off of my hands first.

Me: Why do you have blood all over your hands?!

The Brat: She killed a man in Reno.... just to watch him die.

Me: What?!

Her Majesty: Hamburger. I was patting out hamburger.

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Strange Fortune!

This has to be one of the most bizarre fortunes ever written for a fortune cookie!

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And now a little social commentary!

Compared to most of the general public, we military veterans have an unusual degree of understanding of how the government tends to come across as cold hearted. When our servicemen die, it is a sobering, yet understandable fact that people will die. Whether in combat, or merely training, the hard truth is that accidents can happen, miscalculation can made, and deaths can be the result.

When these deaths happen, our government tends to look at it as an unpleasant necessity of military life. They tend not to become too involved, treating these deaths more as incidents that happen, instead of the death of a person. Overall, it is viewed as a loss of government property rather than the loss of a person. That's the way it must be in order for our military to function, no matter how harsh it seems to civilians.

But even when taking that fact into account, I found it disheartening to read the story from the Associated Press regarding the shooting death of a Marine by another. You would think that the government officials would have sought a better phrase to explain the death to the Marine's family. Below are some snippets of the article.

Marine Fatally Shot in Sleep
Associated Press  |  December 21, 2005
CULLMAN, Ala. - A Marine in Iraq was shot in the back of the head and killed while sleeping in his barracks, his family said it was told by the military. The Pentagon said only that the Marine died of a "non-hostile" gunshot wound.

The mother of Cpl. Adam R. Fales, 21, of Cullman, said she was frustrated in her attempts to learn more about the circumstances of Friday's shooting in Fallujah, and to bring his body home soon.

"The Marines came out to my house Saturday morning and told me my son was shot in the back of his head in his secure barracks," Glenda Fales said Tuesday in a telephone interview. "They said it was under investigation and they won't tell us anything else. We don't know if it was accidental or if somebody shot him on purpose."

The Defense Department confirmed that the Marine from Alabama was killed by a "non-hostile" gunshot in Iraq, but said the death remained under investigation.

Oh, really??? He was shot in the head and they call it a “non-hostile” gunshot wound. As opposed to a “hostile” gunshot wound to the head. Horrible, horrible wording......

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Her Majesty to the rescue!

We have a neighbor who is always out walking his dog. It's a tiny dog, some sort of miniature "yippee" dog that while small, is always tugging at the leash. This neighbor is a retired teacher from our high-school and is a generous, kind man. Over the past decade, we have become very accustomed to seeing him and his yippee dog circling our block. Yesterday when Her Majesty turned the corner coming home from work, she noticed that the little yippee dog was standing on the edge of the road. Not wanting to hurt it, she carefully turned the corner to avoid running it over. That was when she noticed the figure laying in the ditch, tethered to the dog.

She jumped out of the car and helped our neighbor up. She struggled as her 5' foot frame hoisted him up, his long body well over 6 feet in length. His hands were cold, and chilled her even through her gloves.

He explained to her that he has Parkinson's disease and that his muscles sometimes seize up not allowing him to move. Apparently, he had an attack while walking, and the miniature dog pulled hard enough to topple him into the ditch.

Her Majesty called the gentleman's wife, who came and picked him up. He was lucky that his dog was so recognizable, or my wife would have drove right past them, not noticing the man in the ditch.

And while this event seems horrible, it could have been much, much worse. If this had happened two days ago when the weather was near zero degrees, he would have surely perished. Some might call it an early Christmas Miracle.

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Tuesday December 20, 2005 All fairy-tales must end. Tomorrow I become the parent of a teenager. Yes, the sweet innocent little baby, birthed and raised with love and care will be over half way out of our home. Those of you who are new parents won't understand this yet, but it seems like only yesterday that the Brat and I were finger painting, reading childrens books at bedtime, and playing with toys. Gone are the magical days filled with Santa Claus, Tooth Fairies, and egg hiding bunnies. Enter nights filled with teen angst, homework and instant messaging. Where did my little girl go? I think maybe a part of her is still there, perhaps hoping to remain somewhat of a child, yet at the same time, yearning to become an adult. I myself sometimes feel like a child, but have been tainted by the dull-gray glasses of society. My world is no longer filled with the magic of unicorns, the primal fear of the Bogeyman, nor the hope of a happily ever after. I hope the world doesn't force its bitterness on my daughter as it did to me at her age. Because we all need to believe in magic for as long as we can. My favorite magical moments: Age 3: The Brat and I planted a lock of her hair in the front yard to see if we could grow her a new sister. We checked everyday. After a week or so, we planted more in the backyard, under the moonlight to see if a new location would be better.

Age 5: When she was in kindergarten, the teacher read the class a book about a boy who captured a leprechaun in a homemade trap. She came home and assembled a trap out of a box, a stick and some rope. She went all out, even going so far as building a bed for him and painting pennies yellow to lure him into the trap. I tried to explain to her that she didn't really want a leprechaun because they didn't make good pets. I told her that they were dirty and stink, and that they couldn't be housebroken. Never the less, she fell asleep that night with the string in her hand, determined to spring the trap. When I woke up the next morning, I took the gold (pennies) and wrote a note thanking her for the bed. I signed it Conan O'brien. Before leaving for work an idea hit me. I unwrapped some tootsie rolls from our candy dish and rolled them into little "leprechaun turds". When Her Majesty woke the Brat up, she told her that she needed to clean the floor because "A leprechaun took all of the gold and then pooped on the floor!" The Brat was shocked and disgusted to learn that a leprechaun would do that! It wasn't until a year or so later before we explained the joke to her. Age 7: When The Brat became old enough to question how the tooth fairy had time to visit kids around the world every night, I explained to her that there were regional tooth fairies. One for the West coast, one for the East coast, and one for us in the Midwest. I explained to her that our tooth fairly was actually a black gentleman named Clyde. Comment on this post. Be advised that I reserve the right to post all comments for public ridicule.

Response to December 20 post

Letters, we get letters........

Aw Derek, just smile knowing that someday, she'll stop and reminisce about the same things you do... and be thankful she had such a great daddy. :)
Jody J.

Thanks Jody! I hope that you are right.

An old wives tale of science???

They always say that no two snowflakes are alike, but how can they truthfully say that? Exaclty how can they back up that statement? Has anyone actually compared every snowflake in the world? I think not!

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It's funny how aggression turns to humor sometimes.

I worked late tonight and wasn't in the greatest of moods for my commute home. I was trying to chill out by talking to a friend on my cell phone. Everything was going fine at first, but then something happened that made my blood boil!

LT: So, I've been okay, I guess.

Me: Well, I just thought I'd call to say "hi" and see how you are......Holy Shit!! I just about got side swiped by a car!

LT: Really?

Me: Yeah, it just flew over toward me! What the f@#k was she thinking?! Geeeeeez, and now she just cut me off!

LT: Really?

Me: Man, I'm gonna' follow her and kick her ass for that!

LT: Really?

Me: No. Not really!

LT: Oh?

Me: No... I'm gonna blow up her car!

LT: Really?

Me: No. Not really! Oh, but I AM going to set it on fire!

LT: Really?

Me: No. Not really! Maybe I should just pay someone to kill her!

LT: Really?

Me: No. Not really! But maybe I could pay them to beat her up!

LT: Really? Shit, I'd do that!

Me: Really?????? No. Not really. I would never pay for that.

LT: Really?

Me: No, but if someone were going to beat her up, I'd like to watch!

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Karen Carpenter is the Ghost of Christmas Past! (Y'know, the one that looks like a skeleton....)

The following email conversation took place when Sioux heard me bitching about a Christmas song (sung by Karen Carpenter) on the radio. Longtime readers will remember that it was her ghost who trashed my car last year.

Sioux: You aren't damning Karen Carpenter, are you?

Me: No! I would never do that. Especially in bad weather!!!!!1 Yikes!

Sioux: What does 1 Yikes mean?

Me: Its like “Yikes”, but with a number. Like 1 Holy Shit! I use the 1 to show emphasis, like a preemptive exclamation point. Oh -- okay, it was a typo......

Sioux: 7 I know.

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Remember, only 11 more days until the Christmas music stops!

Today I taught my final Adobe Illustrator class for this semester. There was a lot of talent in this class and you can check their works by clicking here. The last four images were from my most recent students.

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Tuesday December 13, 2005

"Santa ain't got no time for ya's kids! Go away!!!".

I took this pic today of Santa's workshop. I think the signs really say something about out world today, sigh.

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Tuesday December 13, 2005

I dream the weirdest shit.

Her Majesty and I were in some little dingy dive of a bar with my childhood friend Jeff Walker. We were sitting at a small round table that was covered with a thick layer of dust, dust that was heavy enough to show where our hands had rested on the table. I wasn't really into visiting because I had one hell of a sinus headache. It felt like someone had stuffed a huge wet beach towel up behind my nose. It was horrible. Jeff asked what was wrong and when I told him he introduced me to his doctor. The doctor pressed my face to the dingy table, his hand on my cheekbone as his weight kept me from turning my head. Then he took out a small wooden handled sculpting tool. You know, one of the ones with the sharpened wire loop used in ceramics to carve the clay. He slid the loped wire tool deep inside my nostril and turned it, scraping the inside of my sinus cavity. It hurt like a bitch, but I couldn't move because all of the doctors weight was pressing down on my face.

“There!” he said, withdrawing the wire tool from my nose.

I looked at it and saw the nasty mucus covered tool. It was a huge lump of tan-grayish glop about the size of a golf ball. For the first time in my dream, I could breathe clearly and my head no longer hurt. But the most disturbing thing was that within the glob of snot were two very large fly wings and assorted bloody insect appendages. I gagged in my dream and yelled “What the f@*#?!

“Oh, those are horsefly wings” the doctor said. “sometimes they crawl up your nose at night and die.”

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Saturday December 10, 2005

Excuses.

I am going to be adding some new features to the site in the near future. One of which is going to be a separate web log which will be sort of a "best of" type of thing, so if you have a favorite post be sure to email me the date and I will include it.

The weather here has been crappy. Everything looks dirty from the melting snow and casts a negative shadow on my outlook. Hopefully the creative spark will hit me and I can be back to my old rambunctious self. Yeah, I know. My posts have sucked lately. Rest assured that even as I try and write a bit everyday, sometimes I don't really feel very funny. Deal wit' it.

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Friday December 9, 2005

Shoppin' hard for Christmas bliss.

Her Majesty and I finally got the chance to go out and shop for Christmas today. Since we live way out in BFE and have no shopping outside of Wal-Mart, we drove about 75 miles to the nearest big town to shop. The interstate was fairly clear and Her Majesty ran about 65 the whole way. Yeah, that's right, she drove. You see, my wife isn't the stereotypical girlie-girl driver. She is a much better driver than I am and I'm not afraid to admit it because odds are that she's a better damn driver than you too!

We shopped all of the typical places and some that weren't so typical. Towards the end of the day we both began to get nervous. We had both been watching the totals add up and when the we reached into the hundreds of dollars, we stopped. Thank god for self control. Again, Her Majesty has much more self control than me. I would have spent my way into oblivion if left unfettered.

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Thursday December 8, 2005

Snow on the ground.

We had the first heavy snowfall of the season today. And even though there wasn't much accumulation, the funky Illinois weather soon turned the beauty of the snow into sheets of dangerous ice. To explain just how crappy my commute home was, let me say that it took an hour and a half to go 45 miles. And that was with NO traffic.

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Wednesday December 7, 2005

The legend continues.

The Schaljo countdown has begun. In a mere three days, john will be moving his ass down the road. (Literally. His new job is just down the road!) It is in his honor that I post yet more facts about the enigma that mortal men call John Schaljo.

When John was 16, he had sex with the entire cheerleading squad --- of the NFL.

John Schaljo doesn't need a posse. His Posse needs him.

The FCC was suing John Schaljo for illegally broadcasting things via the steel plate in his head. They soon dropped all of the charges after he ate 3 congressmen.

John Schaljo has his own emergency room wing at the Mayo Clinic --- because he sends so many people there.

John Schaljo was the REAL reason that King Kong fell off the Empire State Building.

Schaljo doesn't take a gun when he hunts for bear. They drop dead from fright.

John lost a testicle in a bar-brawl when he was nine. He was so upset that he ripped off the guys right testicle also.

John's immense hunger for salmon is the reason there are no fish in the dead sea.

Schaljo once knitted his own wool coat. The wool was taken from Mammoths.

Only John Schaljo truly knows why chocolate milk is brown.

John's droppings don't degrade for millions of years. For this reason, many aboriginal tribes seek them to construct their cities.

John once used his tapeworm as a whip to defeat a Nazi brigade during the Battle of the Bulge.


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Wednesday December 7, 2005

And this week's "What the F@#k Award" goes to........

This is a house that I drive past every day on my commute to work. I took the pic while driving by it in the Bonneville.

.

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Monday December 5, 2005

An email correspondence this morning.

The following banter regards the list of Schaljo facts posted yesterday.

Schaljo: You sure know how to make a guy feel good.

Me: Uh............... I’m not exactly sure how to reply to that. Ick!

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Monday December 5, 2005

Strange clouds o'erhead.

I took this photo of the strange cloud cover this morning on my way into work.

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Sunday December 4, 2005

Rollin', rollin', rollin'.

In case you haven't heard, Super-fan John Schaljo is leaving our place of employment for a position somewhere else. In honor of his career move, I thought it appropriate to post this list of John Schaljo facts. If you'd like to submit fact of your own, email them to me and I might post them

The blood of John Schaljo can bring things back from the dead. Unfortunately, John rarely bleeds on dead things.

Mr. Schaljo invented the toilet. To this day, it is referred to as the "john."

Stranded in a blizzard with a pregnant woman, John Schaljo delivered quintuplets with only his teeth and a zippo lighter as tools. All of the children were named John in his honor and grew to be fine ladies. Now they all serve in public offices.

John Schaljo once stumbled upon a family of sasquatch while camping. Over the weekend, he shaved them and taught them to speak Mandarin Chinese. The family now owns a fur processing plant in Bejing.

John Schaljo thwarted an alien invasion by eating the first armada and smoking their bones.

John travelled back in time and was solely responsible for our winning the war of 1812. He fought in New Orleans under the surname of "General Jackson".

A doctor tried to consult Mr. Schaljo about performing an experimental brain surgical technique. John had just returned from the war of 1812, and reflexively killed the doctor with a mind beam.

John received the name "Schaljo" after defeating a marauding band of Icelandic invaders. In English, the name "Schaljo" roughly translates to "The man who defeated a marauding band of icelandic invaders."

The mere mention of John Schaljo's name will keep biting insects away.

John Schaljo is so tough that his shadow doesn't even touch him for fear of being harmed.

Schaljo's only known weakness was a serum called murishma. In a clever ploy, John sold all of the existing serum to Keith Moon who in turn, injected it.

John has a conjoined parasitic twin inside of his colon. This twin has the power of flight, but because it is conjoined, can only fly inside of John's colon.

Schaljo once won a staring contest with the Great Sphinx. This act is commemorated on our currency with a depiction of John's eye rising above the Great Pyramid.

There can be only one true Schaljo in existence at any given time. Upon his death, a new, younger Schaljo will rise from his ashes.

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Saturday December 2, 2005

Office conversation heard yesterday, as told by penguins.

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Friday December 2, 2005

Chowin' Down.

I met several friends which worked with me at Yellowbook USA before they fired us all. It was a raw deal that I'd rather not get into right now. The good thing is that through this whole mess, some of us still get together every other month and visit over dinner. I love visiting with everyone and wish we could get together more often, but everyone has such hectic lives anymore. I count my blessings everyday because I still get to work with Sioux.

The people that went to the dinner were: (left to right) Me, Sioux, Robin, Megan, and Jennifer. Patti isn't in the pic because she was working the camera.

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Thursday December 1, 2005

Lots going on!

Sorry for not posting much. We had a death in the family and much of my time has been in preparation for the funeral. I have also been working a bit of overtime. I know these aren't good excuses for not writing. But they are the excuses that I am going to use, so there.

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