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Monday January 30, 2006
Sorry Jesus, my bad.
Karma came and smacked me right in the face today, reminding me that perhaps it's not a good idea to poke fun at religion. You see, today I kind of delved into an area that may be sensitive to religious folk. I questioned Sioux why we call "Good Friday" good, since it was such a tragic day for Jesus. I never meant for it to be insulting, but once I thought that I touched a nerve, I just HAD to go and play it up.
God knows all, and I'm sure that he knows that I wasn't being intentionally blasphemous. But God did smack me down a notch or two with a divine warning.
When I got home from work, I intended on doing some routine maintenance to this site. As soon as I fired up the old G4, I was greeted by the ol' "missing disk" icon. This is typically a BAD sign for a Mac user. It just might mean the loss of all of your data forever.
I began to sweat as the thought of five years of files, digital photos, freelance jobs, and this webpage would be gone in the blink of an eye. Luckilly, that amazing Doctor Norton was able to recover the disk after a few hours of nervous sweating on my part.
Was it really Jesus that made my ever faithful Mac crash? I don't know. Did I learn a lesson about poking fun at religion? Hell yes!
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Monday January 30, 2006
Derek goes anal.
My god! How anal have I become? Everyone has always told me that I am too anal when it comes to my work, but I have always laughed it off. There was an incident a few years back when I got pissy with two co-workers about hand trimming paper butterflies for a work project. They never really let me forget it because it tends to be a sort of inside joke now whenever I ask for a favor. But today, my insane anal retentive nature became unnerving obvious to me when I applied some glue stick to the corner of a post-it note that was dog-eared so that it would be flat on the page.
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Thursday January 26, 2006
Profound thought.
I had a very profound thought today, that just might be he coolest (and existential) thing that I ever said!
Find a porpoise, have a friend. Make a porpoise, and you are a god.
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Wednesday January 25, 2006
Are ejukated stoodunt winz thu spelleeng b!
We're so proud of The Brat! With only an hour and a half of in-home studying, she took 3rd place in her school spelling bee. She moves on to the next level on Saturday. I don't care what people say, the words that these kids spell can be tricky. The brat missed the word entraprenuer "entrepreneur", but made it through several other tough words.
Some sample words that are on her list that either I don't recognize or can't even pronounce without struggling: jodhpur, prevaricerate, conchiform, querulous, animadversion, draegerman, trumeau.
Now go ahead and run spell check on those words! Most of them aren't even listed in the computer's dictionary. --- Sheesh!!!
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Wednesday January 25, 2006
You will never find a more wretched hive of scum or villainy.
Me: New Orleans is a city filled with sin. Sin and voodoo. Lots of voodoo.
Tim: Yeah it is.
Sioux: It's pronounced N’aarleans.
Tim: N’aarleans?
Sioux: Yeah, N’aarleans.
Tim: Like the chronicles of N’aarleans?
Me: Yeah. It's a city filled with sin!
Tim: Really?
Me: Yes.
Tim: Truly, madly, deeply?
Me: ?!..... Did you just say....?
Tim: Yes.
Me: But isn't that......?
Tim: Yes.
Me: And aren't they......?
Tim: No.
Me: So that doesn't mean that you're...?
Tim: No.
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Tuesday January 24, 2006
Quite the conversation killer.
I love to embarrass people! I pride myself on being able to give everything some sort of sick twist whenever possible. I can't help it -- it's just the way my mind works. Sometimes it's these weird little snippets of conversation that make my day. Take today for instance, when the following conversation about a weight loss contest ended abruptly.
The Deb: Wow! I can tell that you have already lost weight just by looking at you.
Me: Yeah, I think I have lost about 8 pounds so far.
The Deb: You really should have joined one of our fitness teams. You could have won the money.
Me: Nah, I'm not really into the competitive part of it. I don't want to feel pressure to lose weight.
The Deb: But you could win all of the money.
Me: Nah! I'm only losing weight to make my "thingy" look bigger.
The Deb: .......
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Monday January 23, 2006
The cosmic joke
I locked my keys in my car at work today. It was one of those instances where you immediately know that you did something wrong. As soon as I heard the door click shut, my brain told me that I screwed up. Luckily, I had just called Her Majesty a few minutes to tell her that I love her. So I guess in that respect, I picked the perfect time to lock myself out of the car. Since she had been “buttered up” so to speak, from the call, she didn't want to castrate me when I called her again.
It's no small feat to get the keys to me as it took her almost an hour to get here and unlock my doors. But accidents happens, and she knows how half of my existence is comprised of crazy accidents. Its like some sort of cosmic joke. Like God looks down upon me and snickers as I keep stumbling through life, oblivious to the forces at work around me.
Silly, you say? Well, let me give you all of the facts. Before Her Majesty came to unlock my doors, she went home to check on The Brat. She was surprised to see her sitting on our steps in the cold evening air. Apparently, she too had become locked out. Her house keys mysteriously missing. She looked all over for them but never found them. And since she is grounded from her cellphone, she had no way of getting a hold of either of us.
There was a solution however. One that she has used time and time again when incidents such as this had befallen her. The solution is the neighbor. Our next door neighbor went to school with Her Majesty and I, and just so happens to be the Principal of The Brat’s school. Her children and our daughter have been friends since they were tadpoles, but as luck would have it, our neighbor was not home.
The cosmic joke? My neighbor wasn't home because she locked her keys in her van.
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Sunday January 22, 2006
Know when to say Uncle!
It won't be long until I become an uncle for the first time. My sister-in-law (Her Majesty's sister) is expecting her first child any time now. She and her husband live half a country away in Idaho, so I will not be able to see the lil' critter when it is born. I am very excited though because the birth of a child effects everyone in a family. It won't be long until there is a new branch in the family tree. This will also be the first time that I will be an Uncle.
Uncle. What a weird word! Say it with me --- un•cle. Uncle.
It is derived from the Latin word Unn (which means “not”) and the Greek Cull (which means “chosen”.) So as an uncle, I have not been chosen to help out with the child. Uncles are supposed to be the “fun” members of the family which egg on the children to do whatever suits their fancy. Whether it be a dip in the muddy ditch, or playing with fire, it is the Uncle’s responsibility to make sure that the children continue to cause mischief as they grow. This mischief is interpreted by the uncles as “creativity “ or “free thinking.”
So maybe I just made that whole thing up........ but hey, that's what uncles are supposed to do, right?
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Thursday January 19, 2006
These shoes are made for walking.
I started walking at night again yesterday. I'm not sure how far my new path is, but I decided not to take the same route that I had taken a few years ago when I went on my "healthy lifestyle kick". If I remember correctly, I lost about 40 lbs. last time, but I went to an extreme on my diet. I couldn't eat anything. I was miserable and my rule of thumb was: If it tastes like air, you can eat all you want. If it doesn't taste like air, then don't eat it. I think I created a HUGE spike in turkey farm production that year.
This time, I have decided that I am going to continue eating what I want, when I want, but I am going to drastically ramp up my exercise.
My typical exercise routine consists of multiple high reps of pouring coffee from my thermos and then a brisk walk from my car into my front door. So to ramp it up, I am now walking around the house and into the back door when I go home. (That's increasing my distance by 300%!). Actually, I am going to try to walk 5 miles a night. It may be a high goal for starting out, but I know that I walked over 3 last night with no problem. The only issue is time. I hate walking through the day, so I usually start my walks sometime between 10 - 11 o'clock at night. It's relaxing and I enjoy it, especially since I just bought an MP3 player and have loaded it up with about a gigabyte of the Dawn and Drew Show. (If you haven't heard of them, be sure to check their podcast out. You will laugh until you can't laugh anymore. The show in a nutshell, is a man and his wife broadcasting from their living room. But beware -- The show is not for the faint of heart or the easily offended.)
So will this new fitness regime make me live forever? I doubt it. Will it make me lose some pounds? I hope so. Will it cause mass hysteria and a revolt of the people in Libya? No. But it sure as hell made my toes blister.
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Wednesday January 18, 2006
An original, yet horrible Sci-fi movie plot.
Working Title: The Clincher
An elite group of terrorists impersonate a medical staff in order to gain the foreskin of the Presidents newborn son. Their attempt to clone the President using the DNA in the son’s foreskin goes horribly awry! Within hours, it grows to enormous size and attacks Washington. With a lust for blood, the maverick tissue devours everything in its path. Ultimately, we discover that it can be destroyed using a concentrated solvent of dishwashing detergent, Starbuck’s chocolate mocha frapacino, and the powdered bones of George Peppard.
In the end the deviant foreskin is killed, and its carcass is used to shelter the city's homeless.
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Monday January 16, 2006
Some random thoughts.
Here are a couple of random thoughts that went through my head today:
1. When the Pope takes a dump, why isn't it called pontifcation?
2. If we only use 10% of our brains, just think how messed up retarded people would be if we humans used 100%.
3. If goths are so fascinated with death, then why don't more of them kill themselves?
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Saturday January 14, 2006
Getting some answers.
I'm starting to get some submitted questionnaires from the last post. Be sure to take some time and submit your own. You can heck out submitted answers to this unique questionnaire here!
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Thursday January 12, 2006
It's not your father's questionnaire.
We've all gotten those annoying emails from friends. The ones with twenty personal questions that you are supposed to answer, then forward it on to other people for their answers. Hell, I'm guilty of it too! I admit it. I've sent those lists to friends before. But how about this new twist on the old game; here is a list of answers that you need to provide the questions to. Send me the completed list and Ill post it with others on my website. Don't worry, I won't post names unless you tell me its okay!
I'm also sending this list to my update subscribers, so hopefully I will get some replies.
Here are the answers:
1. Quantum physics
2. Hamburger or chili cheese dog.
3. No. I would never do that.
4. Probably Bradley.
5. Mercury
6. Behind the building when I was younger.
7. Probably the Exorcist
8. Carrots, with cucumbers running a close second.
9. Two dogs and a hamster
10. My cousins, on my mother's side.
11. Yes, and it scarred me for life.
12. Seventeen
13. Silver
14. Yes, and even though everyone said that it would become infected, it never did.
15. The Florida Keys
16. Put it up for later.
17. Water
18.That’d be awesome!
19. No
20. Perhaps, it depends on my mood.
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Tuesday January 10, 2006
Poor English?
Nothing picks me up in the morning quite like giant bread that is enriched with sandwiches!!!!! Yummy!!!!
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Sunday January 8, 2006
Crossing the State line.
We left our home state and crossed over into Hoosier country today. We didn't really have much of a reason, other than Her Majesty and I wanted to spend some time together. So we cruised down to Evansville to do a little shopping. It's funny how shopping changes when you have a child. Before the Brat was born, we would go shopping and come back with all kinds of goodies for ourselves. But once a child is thrown into the mix, everything changes. On today's shopping spree, I got nothing. Her Majesty ended up with a new pillow. The Brat on the other hand, came out with a shirt, a dress, a hooded sweatshirt, and a magazine! Can you tell who really rules this household???
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Sunday January 8, 2006
Ummm... No thanks, I'll pass on that one.
The Brat spotted this one in Evansville Indiana.
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Saturday January 7, 2006
Till death do us part
I work with a group of very creative people. We have designers, marketers, P.R. people, a photographer, and web developers. A new position was created that oversees all of the non-commerce web development for our company. The new guy in our area (who in all actuality has been a part of the company waaaaaaaay longer than me) mentioned something about ways to become more creative. He acted as if this might be the most challenging part of being in the group.
"Being creative is easy" I told him. " Just think like you do when we make sick jokes or dirty innuendos here at work. -- Then just remove the sickness and dirtiness."
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Friday January 6, 2006
A snail tale
From the twisted mind of The Brat!
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Wednesday January 4, 2006
The Japanese infiltration.
Because I do a lot of conceptual work for my employer. I am a constant user of Google image search. The image search has become an invaluable reference tool in my arsenal of design. Using it I can sometimes find key reference material for my art or ideas. One thing has become apparent to me in the past year or so that I have been using images search, the fact that Japanese cartoons have taken over the world!!!! Yes, these seemingly harmless cartoons are like a cancerous tumor on the internet. Their numbers rise each day and encroach upon every element of the world-wide web. My proof, you ask? My proof can be found right there inside my ol' buddy Google image search!
A few months ago I started keeping a record of my Google image searches and writing down how many pages it takes before I see one of those Japanese "big eyed" cartoon characters. It just seems like they show up no matter what you are searching for!!!! Like today I did a search for "Congrats" and within 3 pages, I ran into a Japanese cartoon. Its uncanny!!!!!
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Number of pages from "Google image search" before hitting a Japanese cartoon.
(Keywords are provided first, followed by the page number where a Japanese cartoon appeared)
Wondering 2
baffled 2
thinking over 15
Magic: 1
mysterious: 1
beach party: 5
moon dog: 2
Gidget: 1
Beach Boys: 9
Beach Party: 16
Beach dance: 1
Sphinx: 3
Cutter: 1
Vines: 1
white sharpie: 2
planarian: 4
Background: 4
Piracy: 6
Scary Background: 1
Hippie Art: 2
Flower Child: 3
Flower power: 1
War: 1
Congrats: 3
Ying-Yang: 1
Scarab: 3
first aid: 8
retro baby: 19
baby cartoon: 13
flash icon: 4
Cross art: 1
rugget cross: 10
baton twirling: 5
kid: 1
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Tuesday January 3, 2006
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Tuesday January 3, 2006
Till death do us part
Today marks my 17th wedding anniversary. Geez, I don't really feel that old, but if you count the year that we dated, Her Majesty and I has been together the same amount of time that we haven't been!!!! How scary is that?! And they said it would never last.......sheesh!
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Monday January 2, 2006
I found the missing Links!
Because so many of you demanded it...... I have finally gotten around to posting some of the best links on the internet. Okay, so nobody really demanded it per se, but I thought that you might dig these sites. All of these sites are good sites to visit -- guaranteed!! So be sure to check 'em out.
Derek's Favorite Links
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| Sunday January 1, 2006
The internet is a tool of the devil!
This past year, I began keeping track of how people stumbled upon my measley little website. It's quite shocking the things that people search for, and even more alarming that my site met that search criteria. The following is a list of searches that have led people to my site. As you will notice, they are quite sporadic, and I didn't really begin checking for them regularly until November.
The information came from Statcounter, who hosts my web counter at the bottom of each page. Unfortunately, Statcounter only records the most recent 100 hits, and since I average around 1500 hits per day, I'm sure there are thousands of other strange searches that I never noticed. Regardless, enjoy and prepare to be wierded out!!!
Searches that have landed people to my website.
02-17-05 - from Alta Vista: although she was younger
02-17-05 - from: bottles highlighter blacklight
02-28-05 - from: Google: Paul Bunyun+advertising agency
03-25-05 - from: Google: Alien Fetus prop
06-23-05 - From: search.msn.com: alleric to vegetables
07-22-05 - From: search.msn.com: SHARK CAUGHT IN MA JULY 2005
07-23-05 - From Alta Vista: "sherry moon" + picture
07-23-05 - From Google: wholesale alien fetus
08-02-05 - From BellSouth.net: 3D Corpse Head
11-07-05 - From Google: how many chuck chuckwood
11-07-05 - From Google: foil tearing
11-08-05 - From Google: boondocks poster
11-08-05 - From Google: kevin bacon sandwich
11-11-05 - From Yahoo: Make your own rubber
11-13-05 - From Google: pictures that say "i am a freak"
11-13-05 - From Google: 1965 mother spankings
11-13-05 - From Google: rectal discharge
11-14-05 From Google - Nausea and Dizzyness
11-20-05 - From Google: monkeys throwing poop
11-23-05 - From Google: 1 lonely person
11-23-05 - From mysearch.myway.com: mr. goodwrench
11-23-05 - From Google: All you need to know about Prince Albert Piercings
11-27-05: From Google: how to make your head look smaller
11-28-05: From Google: warning choking hazard
11-28-05: From mywebsearch.com: super cross at Effingham, IL
11-29-05: From Google: put your face on something
11-29-05: From Yahoo: WWW.OFFICE DEPOTE
11-30-05; From Google: Mutton Chops
12-02-05: From msn search: how to make yourself throw up
12-04-05: from google: blondes extinction
12-06-05: from google: odds married same birthday
12-06-05: from google: haunted eyes follow you
12-08-05: From Google: calculating virus inactivation with chlorine
12-12-05: from Google: Monkey + subphylum
12-12-05: from MSN search: clear plastic tube
12-12-05; From Google: Jak & Daxter drawings
12-13-05: From Google: angry viking mascot with baseball bat
12-13-05: from google: how to put your hair up
12-13-05: From Yahoo Search: the green baby alien
12-13-05: From Google: "blonde research"
12-14-05: From google: Horsecow
12-14-05: From Google: bajak flux capacitator
12-14-05: From msxml.infospace.com: How to set up a Portait studio
12-14-05: From Google: who goosed the moose
12-15-05: From Google: monkeys that throw poop
12-15-05: From search.msn.com: diarrhea weight loss
12-16-05: From Google:course for alarm oj
12-23-05: From Google: school "the paddle" OR "got paddled" OR "got licks" principal OR vp OR ap OR teacher butt OR backside OR as
12-23-05: From Google: blonde intelligence theories
12-25-05: From Google: how do you build canvases
12-25-05: From Searchmsn: cures for infection
12-26-05: from google: how to make instructions
12-27-05: From google: how to create your own homeless projects
12-27-05: From Search.earthlink.net: farrah faucet
12-27-05: From Google: Star Dust Effingham
12-28-05: From Yahoo.com: decorating with snapshots
12-29-05: from google.co.nz: Redhead website fan
12-29-05: from Google: Low intelligence monkey
12-29-05: From Google: how to hide cigarettes when posting
12-29-05: From Google: fur industry missouri
12-30-05: From Google: when I blow my nose in the morning hard lumps snot
12-30-05: From Google: aaron staples
12-30-05: From search/msn.com: oily discharge from dog
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