Tuesday September 27, 2005

TV will rot your brain
The Brat came home with her first “major” civics project for school. She was struggling to learn the preamble to the constitution.

“Oh,” I said. “That’s easy! I can help you with that.”
Brat: “You can?”

Me: “Sure, it goes:

“We the people of the United States,
In order to form a more perfect union,
establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility,
provide for the common defense, promote
the general welfare and ensure the blessings
of liberty to ourselves and our posterity.
Do ordain and establish this constitution
of the United States of America.”

She looked at me in awe. “This is the man who can’t help me with my longhand division?” She seemed to be thinking. “Amazing!”

So I sat her beside me and began teaching her how to recite the preamble as if it were a flowing poem, each line’s syllables transitioning rhythmically to the next line. Eventually she got it down-pat and she could recite the entire preamble along with me. She was as excited as I have ever seen her and she couldn’t wait to tell her teacher and friends that she learned the whole thing, word for word overnight. She for a brief moment, I wasn’t the stupid dad, or overbearing parent that all teenagers seem to believe controls their life, I was that “cool, smart” dad that I was back when she was in the fifth grade.

Thank you, thank you, thank you schoolhouse rock. Even 25 years later, the effects of your songs still ripple through my life.

Monday September 26, 2005

Somber
What does it mean when the highlight of your entire day is something as mundane as your lunch hour, where you essentially sit down and do nothing? If your existence has sunk so low that you find no enjoyment in your day to day life, what do you have to look forward to? Do you set long term goals and think about reaching them? Do you really believe that time will dissolve any of the sorrow in your life? Do you try to enliven your days by doing new things, creating new experiences? Will either of these even help?

Sunday September 25, 2005

Its a very special day today for three big reasons!!!! For one, today is the day that my website has surpassed the 50,000 hits. Thats alot of hits now!!!! If I wasn't so poor, I'd take you all out and buy you dinner and drinks. But since I have no fundage, maybe I can bring you all a glass of tap water instead, okay?

The second and third reasons are that it is my youngest little brudda's birthday and the birthday of my bestest buddy Sioux! So happy birthday guys.

Friday September 23, 2005 Evening Post

I'm getting really excited about the days ahead. I received word that one of my ol' college buddies Ernie Miller is coming home for an art show in Olney
this weekend. It'll be nice to see him again. I don't think we have met since 1994. MY GOD! THAT'S 10 YEARS!!!!! Where did they go?????? It should a fun visit. Ernie is about as twisted as a person can be without being institutionalized. Wait, maybe that's where he has been all this time.....

And I also found out that another old-time friend of mine is visiting also. This other friend, Andrea, and I go waaaaaaaay back. Probably further back than any other friend that I have. I remember being around her when I was in kindergarten if that tells you anything. But eventually she and her parents moved to Florida and we lost touch.

Last year I heard that her parents had moved back to my hometown and I took a trip over to say hi. They told me that Andrea had married and was getting ready to have her first baby. Then, as so often happens in the hectic life of the American worker, we lost touch again. But last week her father called and said that she was coming to visit next week and wanted to go out to dinner. Its going to be exciting to see her again!!!!! I have wondered about her for years, and according to my best guesstimate, we haven't seen each other for 21 years!!!! What a long time reunion that should be!

Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross'd lovers take their life;
Whose misadventured piteous overthrows
Do with their death bury their parents' strife.
The fearful passage of their death-mark'd love,
And the continuance of their parents' rage,
Which, but their children's end, nought could remove,
Is now the two hours' traffic of our stage

Thursday September 22, 2005

The Amazing Poe sent this correspondence to me regarding yesterday's post:

I know we don’t see eye to eye on the President (you think he is doing a good job, while I on the other hand think he is EVIL personified), but I found this post very amusing. I don’t understand the mentality of people who stay in this situation. I’m not calling them stupid, or dumb, or lazy, or shiftless, or “evil-doers”. I just don’t understand the mind set of people who know there is a good chance of this happening, see there neighbors leave, and say “ill not let this storm force me out of my house”. But then I think what if they are the most noble of all, what if it is their very spirit that enrages Mother Nature so much that she sends storm after storm to put out the shining light that are these people. On the other hand they could just be morons. I find it interesting that when Katrina hit New Orleans many people were transported to Texas, and now Rita is heading after them. Sounds like God wants to have a word with someone.

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Disturbing things that throw my whole life out of balance and drive me to the brink of psychosis: My 12 year old daughter told me that Steven Tyler, the singer for Aerosmith, was "hot."

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I saw something today that brought me back to reality and forced me to remember what it was like to be a young boy. I was driving past the local grade school when I saw a child (around 10) walking beside the school's chain link fence, On the other side of the fence was the basketball courts. The boy could have walked another 20 feet and entered the school yard via the gate, but instead, he leapt up, climbed over the fence and jumped down, falling on his butt in the process. Then he got up and ran to the ball court.

Do you remember how it felt to do that? To not take the easy way around obstacles, but rather take the more challenging, more FUN way? Its a shame that we lose the drive to do things like that as we get older. We are so conditioned to doing things in the acceptable, easy-way-out manner, that most of us lose the ability to even think about the more adventurous ways to solve problems. If we were to do these things as adults, we would be branded as eccentric, if not criminal. I am sure that if I were to scale a school yard fence, there would be a crowd of police officers there in a flash. it's too bad that we lose that exhilaration as we get older. Perhaps that is why the most extreme adults pursue things like base jumping and sky diving. Do these acts of "insanity" bring back the same feeling that we have as children?

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Wednesday, September 15, 2005

Today is Her Majesty's birthday and I am feeling rather guilty because I am not able to treat her like I would like to. You see, I am gearing up for our customer appreciation weekend at work (more on that later) and it has litterally sucked the life right out of my body. Hopefully we can get together and celebrate next weekend. I feel horrible about it, like I am letting her down on her very own special day. But such is life in the real world.

She understands and can handle the letdown, but I am sure it isn't easy on her. Hell, she should be able to handle anything! She has stayed married to me for 15 years and hasn't cracked under the stress (and there WAS stress, believe me, because I don't hold back on my craziness at home like I do at work!)
So if you're reading this Honey, I love you and happy Birthday!

Oh, and Happy Birthday to my pal Aaron Zane too! He is younger than I am by a few years, but he acts way more responsible and is a Shriner! Happy Birthday old man. May your fez be pleasantly comfortable tonight.

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Monday September 12, 2005

Me and the crew had a lot of fun today over lunch and I plan on posting more about it whenever I can find some time this week. So stay tuned for something cool. Speaking of cool, remember those pics that my friends Lisa and Courtney helped me with for The Brat's halloween party invitations? Well, here is the first draft of a concept for the invitation. No text or anything yet, just image. Let me know what you think.

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Saturday September 10, 2005

Today was movie day at the Greenwood household. The following is a list of the movies that we watched, and what I thought of them.

Hide and Seek
Overall Rating: B-
It's not scary like they propped it up to be. That little girl, whatsername, is a good actress though! Her Dad is a psychiatrist, and ends up being the killer. Oooops!!! (Awe, don't be pissed! I just saved you three dollars 'cause now you don't have to rent it!)

Kung Fu Hustle
Overall Rating: B
Fans of the old-style kung fu movies will thoroughly enjoy this pic. Its like a cross between Crouching Tiger and Dumb and Dumber. Secret: This DVD starts out with the English subtitles on but speaks Chinese. You can go into the menu and turn off the subtitles and change the language to English and have a more enjoyable time.

Million Dollar Baby
Overall Rating: A+
You MUST watch this movie! I ain't gonna say anything other than it gets you sad, happy, laughing, sad, aggressive, and stunned. All in one sitting. (If you ever get a chance, rent a girl-boxing movie called "Girl-Fight" released a few years back. It is an awesome movie also.)

Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Overall Rating: B+
I dig scary movies. This one was rather disturbing though. A good rendition of the classic of the genre. The movie rested on the performance by my brother R. Lee Ermy. Gory....but good.

Rocky Horror Picture Show
Overall Rating: A-
I've seen it a million times, but nothing is quite as funny as watching singing transvestites trying to seduce Susan Sarandon!

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Friday September 9, 2005

While researching online for a freelance project, I used Google Image search to look up "City Hall." I got a bunch of good pics, but the best one took me to this hilarious 404 error page!!!!

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Tuesday September 6, 2005

Yessiree, Murphy's law was in full effect today. Some of you guys might not know it, but I had an interview at 3:00 in St. Louis regarding some prospective freelance work. Hopefully this work will offset the skyrocketing price of gas and allow my daughter to have some Christmas gifts this year.

Otherwise it will be like this:

Me: "Happy Holidays Honey! I hope you like the gift that your Mom and I got you this year."

The Brat: "Oh, Daddy, thank you thank you thank you!" She exclaims gleefully while opening up the ring-box that I hand her.

Me: "You're welcome Honey! Merry Christmas!"

The Brat: "Hey, isn't this the ring that you gave mom last year?!"

Me: "Well....... ummmmm"

The Brat: "The one that you bought off of that old lady who was begging for bread in front of the gas station?! The one who smelled like cat piss and the boy's locker room?! "

Me: "Well, Honey.... you see, its been really tight this year and....."

As you can see, I truly want to avoid anything like that, and have taken it upon myself to try and earn some extra moola this year.

So, as I am always trying to be "Mister Prepared", I spent the weekend prepping my resumé and portfolio. I even set out my clothes early, nothing fancy, a pair of black dress-pants and a polo shirt. I thought that I was ready. I thought I had it under control. But ol' Murphy showed up anyway and bitch-smacked me with a vengeance.

Let me continue by saying that I had one hell of a time finding black socks the night before. Two complete drawers full of socks and underwear and not a black sock in sight. Oh, there were plenty of Michael Jackson socks in there, i.e. socks that were once black but have lost their color over time. No sir! I needed the finest black socks in the house, socks that would make the client go: "Holy Sh**!! Them is some black socks!" And after a few minutes of digging like a mole, I found a pair.

The morning started out okay. I awoke, showered and shaved, even sat down for a bowl of cereal. "Smooth," I thought, "Everything is going according to plan." After consuming my bowl of soggy cereal, I went to the Master bathroom, because, I AM the master, after all! (Just kidding hon, don't hit me again! whimper....) I began to get into my respectable designer clothes, starting with the socks. Unfortunately I must have forgotten to shut off my deadly ninja heel-knives®, because as soon as the material touched my heel it tore a hole through them like......well, like a hole. Frustrated, I went back to the sock drawer to try and locate another suitable pair of socks to stink up.

Also, I discovered that my black belt was nowhere to be found. I don't know where it had fled to, but it was not in its appropriate place. I waded through a vast sea of brown belts, but my black one was still eluding me. I searched high. I searched low. I searched in my drawers, in the closet, down the laundry chute, in the hampers, in the laundry room, I even went so far as to search in the trunk of my car (???) , but never found the belt. I searched every possible place that a belt could have conceivably migrate to, but to no avail. So I finally gave up and continued to get ready. (As a side note: This whole belt incident has reinstilled my belief in the Loch Ness monster. After all, isn't it believable that scientists could never find the elusive beast in a 400 square mile lake if I couldn't even find a belt in my 1600 square foot home?)

Once desperation had sunk its ugly claws deep into my chest, I decided that it would be faster to simply go to the store and purchase a new belt. So into the Bonneville I leapt, speeding towards the mecca of the blue collar shoppers; Wal-mart. Once inside, hands in my pockets to keep the pants from falling off of my ass, I strode directly to the belts. Quickly picking a plain black work belt, I walked directly to the checkout counter to purchase my new strip of cow-flesh. From there I had to wait behind a massive line of geriatric old ladies. Somehow, the slowness of their movements affected me, as I felt as if I had aged thirty years just standing beside them, watching them move in all of their sloth like glory. Finally I got to the checkout and presented the cashier with my Visa Platinum . "Finally," I thought ,"Things are going my way." But nooooooo ----- the cashier informed my that my card had expired back in January. Stunned with disbelief, a quick visual confirmation from the back of my card proved her correct. Damn! Reluctantly, I swiped my debit card in the machine, sweating as I hoped it would be approved. And it was. I know what you are saying: "Why were you sweating over the price of a belt.? Surely you have enough in your account for that, don't you?" And the answer is no. Hence the need for the second job.

After leaving the store and returning home to don my new belt, I assembled my portfolio and resumé to head out the door. But wait........ my freshly printed resumé was nowhere to be found. I scoured the rooms like a tornado through an Oklahoma trailer park, any movable item in the household was tossed violently in my wake. Finally, I discovered the hidden resumé! It had been cowering in fear of my wrath!!!!! Actually, I had accidently set some books atop it whenever I was looking for my belt earlier.

You see, I AM my worst enemy.

Monday September 5, 2005

I just heard on the news tonight that Kuwait, (You know, the country that I fought to liberate from the tyranny of Saddam Hussien) has volunteered to donate a half-billion dollars to the United States for relief in New Orleans. That's half a B-I-L-L-I-O-N dollars. That's 500 million U.S. dollars in donations for hurricane Katrina relief! And do you know why they are doing that???? Because they are f***ing grateful. Do you know why? Because we were the ones who witnessed the horrors that were taking place in their land and had the intestinal fortitude to do something about it. We liberated them from the evil of Saddam Hussien, thats why. Take note liberals!

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Saturday September 3, 2005

Sometimes I believe that I am destined to be blind. Throughout my entire life I have had trouble with my eyes. Yes, I hear you, who hasn't right? Lots of people wear glasses and I should just quit whining about it. Well, that's not what I am talking about. When I say trouble with my eyes, I mean trouble with a capital T. Trouble like Oprah is coming over and we didn't make it to the grocery store. Trouble like a Sith Lord is coming to kick my ass. Trouble like the FBI is coming to my house to question me about Schaljo's Olsen Twins photo collection.

Lets see (see.....get it??? Get it? Bah!), Here is a small list of things that I remember going wrong with my eyes.

1. When I was in 4th grade, I threw a 50 caliber bullet (just the bullet not the casing) in the grade school gym and was watching it bounce off the rubber floors. It bounced up like a rocket and went through my glasses and hit me in the eye. --- I never claimed to be a particularly smart kid, by the way.

2. Somewhere around the 6th grade, a piece of fireworks fell into my eye while we were watching the city's fireworks display. That kinda' hurt a bit. Nothing quite like somebody dumping burning hot gunpowder residue in the ol' optical receptor.

3. In highschool I got this weird eye disease that fused my retina so that it was constantly dilated. We had to go to a specialist who told me that I would have went blind if I had waited another day. Then he proceeded to give me a steroid shot right into my friggin' eyeball!!!!

4. Earlier this year I got some ceiling tile material in my eye that could have blinded me. (See June 10th post for a picture!)

So as you can see, I thought that I had injured my eye in about every conceivable manner. Until today. Yes, today I experienced the most freakish eye injury to date. And no, I didn't scream, or cry even though it hurt like a bitch. Nor am I going to lose my vision. It was just so strange that I have to mention it here.

I had gotten up in the morning and was in the kitchen getting ready to take my daily hand full of pills. Suddenly, I felt a little tickle up in my nose. you know, the one that indicates that you should find a Kleenex fast, to avoid shooting snot rockets across the room! So I dashed to the counter and grabbed the next best thing, a paper towel. With the sneeze itching inside of me, fighting to get out, I raised the paper towel to my face.......and felt horrible pain!!! I had such a sharp pain in my left eye that the sneeze said "screw this!" and disappeared.

When I raised the paper towel to my face, the damned thing had somehow managed to slide up in between my cheek and glasses and right into my eye, cutting a nice little slit on my eyeball. I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth as Her Majesty laughed at the freak accident. As of right now, I am considering wearing full swimming goggles at all waking moments for the rest of my life.

Friday September 2, 2005

Well, I missed the one year Anniversary of this website. The whole Blackboard started way back on August 28th, in the year of our Lord, 2004. Happy Belated Birthday!!!!