Thursday July 21, 2005

Last night Her Majesty and I rented the movie "White Noise" starring Michael Keaton. It was a good ol' fashioned horror movie, the kind without the deranged slasher hacking up college students at their prom. So no, it wasn't gross at all, but it did manage to scare the begeezus out of Her Majesty.
The whole story revolves around a man who becomes obbsessed over EVPs (electronic voice ophenomenon), a fancy term for recording voices of the dead. While the show has been exagerated in true Hollywood fashion, the EVP society is an actual "society" which thrives today. In fact, Thomas Edison had originally wanted to develop the telephone as a communication tool between the world of the living and that of the dead.

Regardless of whether you are a believer or not, you should take a couple of minutes to investigate some of the real EVPs available online. http://www.ghostpix.com is one such site. It might make you laugh, you may become scared, or it may just make you question your beliefs in what really happens after we die.



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Wednesday July 20, 2005

An actual email conversation between boss and employee:

Employee: Here you go Chief!

Supervisor: Thanks little Indian! From this day forward you will be known as Britohauntus, which means little man that fights with crayons!


Another conversation between two military veterans:

Vet #1: Would you please take the time to polish this copy that was sent from a vendor for use in our instructions?

Vet #2: You should get this back this afternoon. And once again, the 101st Airborne comes to the rescue of a Jarhead in trouble. No need to thank me, saving Jarheads is considered a sacred obligation of the Airborne.

Vet #1: Yeah. We always appreciated it when you guys would come and pick us up after we finished killing everyone.

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Tuesday July 19, 2005

THE MARINE



We all came together,
Both young and old
To fight for our freedom,
To stand and be bold.
In the midst of all evil,
We stand our ground,
And we protect our country
From all terror around.
Peace and not war,
Is what some people say.
But I'll give my life,
So you can live the American way.
I give you the right
To talk of your peace.
To stand in your groups,
and protest in our streets.
But still I fight on,
I don't bitch, I don't whine.
I'm just one of the people
Who is doing your time.
I'm harder than nails,
Stronger than any machine.
I'm the immortal soldier,
I'm a U.S. MARINE!
So stand in my shoes,
And leave from your home.
Fight for the people who hate you,
With the protests they've shown.
Fight for the stranger,
Fight for the young.
So they all may have,
The greatest freedom you've won.
Fight for the sick,
Fight for the poor
Fight for the cripple,
Who lives next door.
But when your time comes,
Do what I've done.
For if you stand up for freedom,
You'll stand when the fight's done.

By: Corporal Aaron M. Gilbert, US Marine Corps
USS SAIPAN, PERSIAN GULF



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Monday July 18, 2005

I became disgusted the other night while waiting for my daughter's softball game. Her team, The LHPDR Bombers was playing for 1st place in the tournament at 8:00 pm. We arrived an hour early, as is customry, to allow the girls to warm up before the game, and found that there was no one using the field. Our game was scheduled to begin at 8 because it was to follow the game for 3rd and 4th place. When we went to the field, The Brat's coach informed me that one of the teams who were supposed to be playing for 3rd. place refused to show up because "They were not a third place team, they were a first place team!"

What the hell kind of message does that send to the children? if you can't be the best, throw a fit and don't even try? These coaches need to be removed from their duties. The coaches should have taught those girls a life lesson, "You won't always be the best." Those kids need to face the facts that life isn't all roses and perfume. Life is a hard-soled pair of boots that will stomp you to a bloody mush time and time again. But you have to be tough enough to get back up, dust yourself off and get on with living. There is no dignity, no honor in simply giving up. Those coaches should have been removed, and when they whine and bitch about it not being fair, they should be kicked to the curb. Maybe if their own coaches themselves won't teach tose children a lesson, perhaps its time to set an example. The Brat's coach always teaches them. I don't know how many times I have heard him tell my kid to keep her head up after getting out. "There's always next time." he would say. "Keep your head up and be proud."

My daughter is proud of her team, they won both the league and the tournament this year because the coach refused to let them slump down, even when circumstances looked bleak. Its a game........ I want the girls to have fun. If all of the girls play hard and have fun, then there is no losing team.



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Saturday July 16, 2005

It finally poured down rain today. It came down like proverbial cats and dogs, the gray sky barely visible because of the horrendous downpour. Her Majesty was visiting her mother, and I was working on an art project when the rain began falling. It wasn't a minute later when The Brat burst in the front door, disappointment clearly visible on her face.

"What’s the matter?" I asked.

"It's raining so I had to come in," she said frowning.

"So? Go out and play in the rain then! Ain't you ever played in the rain before? It's one of life’s little pleasures! Go out there and play!"

And so she did. She ran around the yard while the stinging rain continued to fall, and after about five minutes, I decided to join her. We decided to go for a walk and began running down the flooded empty streets laughing as we stomped in puddles and kicked muddy splashes at each other. It was a great time, I wish I could bottle the look on The Brat's face as we sloshed through the soggy mess. It was priceless. A once in a lifetime expression that will live in my mind forever.

We got some strange looks as we went down the streets! People in cars, and the neighbors watching the rain fall from within the comfort of the garages. No waves hello, just strange looks of curiosity as we laughed and splashed. Amazingly, the neighborhood children took notice and began to come out when they saw us, and before too long the yards were flooded with the sounds of laughing children as well as water.



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Friday July 8, 2005

Well, here I am at the park again, just gawking at the squirrels. I think the people at the picnic table behind me must think that I am crazy just sitting here pecking away at this mini-keyboard. Sorry that I haven't been posting as much as usual, but Iv'e been extremely busy over the past few weeks, with softball games and the preparation for the beginnings of The Brat's Halloween party. I know it's in October, but for such an expansive event this really is the eleventh hour. Some of the props take hours and hours (and hours) to build. So if you feel disappointed about the lack of posting and you want me to write more often, you can always volumteer to help with the party props........



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Thursday July 7, 2005

If your looking for some intelligent opinions or a few paragraphs about my going on about the bombings in Europe this morning then you are barking up the wrong tree. Here's my only statement: People of the UK, we as Americans feel horrible about this mornings tragedy. But hopefully out of this horror, our nations can once again form a tight bond in our resolve to destroy all terrorists and any who harbor or support them.

Okay, now that is over with, let me tell you about my new brilliant idea for the first ever Blackboard art contest!!!

If you have ever read the page about my friends, then you undoubtedly know that many of my friends are artists. Even better, this site is read by a myriad of other artistic folk who can (and should) participate in this contest. The fact is, that I am surrounded by a circle of very artistic, albeit strange group of people.

Ernie M., Michelle S., Aaron Z., Lisa T., Megan B., The Des, Eric & Liz G'wood, Sioux, Kim L., Rodney G'wood, Jodi J., Poe, Andra C., Ed B, Sara A., Mr. Benjamin J. Dybas, Kim O., Kathy R., Timmay S., Corey T., all of you and more should give this a shot.

The contest is easy and should be a hell of a lot of fun! The rules are fairly simple. The entries will be a sculpture honoring that brilliant friend of all who live, Mr. Albert Einstein. It may be constructed (added together) or subtractive (as in carved). As a matter of fact, about the only major stipulation is that the sculpture must be composed entirely of meat.

Yep, meat! For all of the contest details including the prize and the method of judging, click the following link .

Wednesday July 6, 2005

I found this little critter slimeing around on our trash bag this morning when I was taking the trash cans out front for pickup. I couldn't kill it because years ago The Brat once told me not to kill slugs because in her words: "Slugs are just snails without a home." When you look at them up-close like, they do have a kind of cool pattern thingy going on, don't they?



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Tuesday July 5, 2005

Silly me!!! I thought yesterday was the National Holiday, but apparently I wasn't informed of today's importance, and I was totally shocked to be caught up in a celebration of this newfound holiday.

I never heard a murmur of it on the morning news, nor did it show up in the datebook of my PDA, but it became completely apparent to me on my trip to work that today must be National Drive Like A Snail Day!

Most of you know that I have no problems with driving slow. I generally stick to the posted speed limit and allow myself plenty of time to make my appointments. But today I was driving to work and got behind an entire convoy of little old ladies in red hats.

The red hats are a social group of older ladies that get together to perform community service, have fun doing cultural activities, and apparently aid the State of Illinois in regulating traffic flow. I can't really say anything too bad about them though, as one of Her Majesties friends belongs to the group and is one of the kindest persons that we know.

But MAN do they drive slow.

Well, to tell the truth, it wasn't the fact that they were slow, or that they were travelling in a convoy that really annoyed me. No, it was the fact that they would drive 60, then 45, then 55, then 40......you get the picture. And when the lead car (the Pace Car, if you will) altered it's speed, there would be a massive chain reaction of glaring break lights in my eyes.

And so I made it to work right on time, not the standard half an hour early as usual. No big deal I thought. After all, it is circumstances like this that I actually leave early. So I just laughed it off. Until I was leaving work to go home.....

And on the way home, oh boy! Let me tell you about the shitty truck that was leading the pack down route 45! First, let me say that this dude was cruising along like a one legged turtle with broken ribs. He inched down the highway at the breakneck speed of forty miles per hour, totally ignoring the long line of cars stacking up behind him. It reminded me of that crappy "snake" game on cell phones except this one had the added danger of car parts falling of in your path. It was insane!

If I had to drive this broken down old thing on the right, I'd be hell on wheels, flying around about 80 m.p.h. everywhere because I wouldn't want anyone to get a look at my face for fear of dieing of embarrassment.



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Monday July 4, 2005

Happy Birthday America!!!!!

My dad bought three 1970's style recurve bows on ebay and we were messing around shooting milk jugs on this farm today. Its been a long time since I have shot one (probably close to 15 years) and I had forgotten the pain that is induced by drawstring burn. For those of you who have never experienced this, this is when the string of the bow, along with its 50 lbs. of resistance, flies across the skin of your forearm at about 200 miles per hour. The sensation is not unlike what I imagine having your arm plunged against a cattle brand would feel like. Anyway, it only happens once and then you tend to remember to be more careful..... You can see in the photo the results on my arm. They are such pretty shades of yellow and purple, don't you think?



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Sunday July 3, 2005

Have you ever noticed how most people are apprehensive about pooping in a public restroom? Well, here are a couple of way that you can play upon those apprehension to have a little fun and create a whole lot of tension for the other person. Granted, doing these is putting yourself at risk for a all-out assault on your olfactory senses, but the results could be absolutely hilarious if you have the stomach for it. I myself have never attempted these ploys, but I just came up with them today so you'll have to experiment at your own risk. I looked up this phobia and it is called: and heres how to play up the embarrassment factor....Stall Talk: this is nothing more than a derivative of the standard small talk which itself can be intimidating for some people. The difference is that stall talk occurs when one member of the conversation is in a stall.

The method of play is simple; try to manipulate the other person. To refrain from making bathroom noises as long as possible, and keep them from coming out of the stall for fear of embarrassment The objective is to make the “crapper” as uncomfortable as possible by engaging in a personal discussion. The longer you keep them from making disgusting bathroom noises, the better. Your goal is to keep the person fearful of making “bathroom noises” , or stinking up the room while you are in the room. Here's a sample of how this version would be played:

You: “Hey! Hows it going?”

Them: “........”

You: “Sure is hot as a bitch out there, huh? I’m sweating like crazy!”

Them: “ummmmm.......yeah......”

You: " I was just telling my wife that I can’t remember the last time that it was this hot. Y’know?”

Them: "....... "

You: "And the heat really messes with my knees. I have arthritis in the left on and it feels like it swollen right now. You ever have knee problems buddy?"

Them: " ......... "

You: "Sweet Mary mother of God!!! You should see the size of this thing! Its swollen all to hell! No wonder it hurts. I suppose I better dig out that ole’ knee wrap from the closet. You ever have to work construction? It sucks! My knees are ruined forever! No? Well thats good!"

Them: "......"

You: "Jesus dude, you really know how to stink up a place, don’t you? How about giving a courtesy flush every time you drop one in, huh? Smells like a possum just crawled outta’ your ass."

And so on......



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Saturday July 2, 2005

Just who the hell reads these posts anyway? Let me know! Click the link here and let me know that you have read this. You don't have to say anything, I am just a curious little monkey.

Friday July 1, 2005

You always hear about bad timing. It happens to everyone at least once! Like saying something bad about a co-worker just as they walk up behind you, or the fact that it always seems to rain after you wash your car.

But this movies’ untimely release coincides with all of the recent shark attacks going on in Florida. It makes me wonder if it hasn’t been some marketing scheme gone horribly wrong. I can here them in the board room now:

Creative Marketing Guy: "The marketing team has developed a plan to release 50,000 sharks off of the coast of Florida . Their sudden appearance will surely make the headline on FoxNews."

Stuffed Suit: "Hmmm, very clever. But what if they start attacking swimmers?"

Creative Marketing Guy: "We've purchased a breed of sharks known as Bull-sharks. They aren't very aggressive. Besides, if they bite anyone they sharks will be in breach of contract."

Stuffed Suit: "You guys never fail to impress me, Perkins! Lets go with it!"

Creative Marketing Guy: "Just in case there would be attacks, we have changed the name of the movie slightly . It no longer named “The Adventures of Shark Boy and Legless Girl.”



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